Story: "Hairpins" Part 18
Mar. 31st, 2014 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17. Skip to Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23.
"Hairpins" Part 18
Now Phil would have to admit it, spill all that guilt out into the open air. He owed JARVIS that much, at least. Confession. Atonement, even. "When I first came to give Tony the information about Loki, he refused to let me into the tower. So I ..." Phil couldn't say it. "... forced my way past you instead." Conscience made him dredge up a synonym at least. "I violated you."
"I hear you," JARVIS said, his voice low and coaxing.
"It was wrong. I should never have done that," Phil said. The words hurt coming out. His throat ached. His eyes burned. Phil kept going anyway. "I didn't know it at the time, wasn't even paying attention, but that doesn't excuse my behavior."
He wouldn't beg for forgiveness. Didn't deserve it.
"You feel that you did me wrong. I appreciate the apology. You did not harm me, though," said JARVIS.
"You don't think unwanted penetration counts as harm?" said Phil. Oh, this was worse. He'd heard of people not recognizing what had really happened to them, but hearing it in person was horrible. His fingernails dug into his knees, even through the fabric of his trousers. Phil concentrated on opening his hands again.
"It is not precisely the same for me as for a human being," JARVIS said.
"The important parts are the same," Phil insisted. He fumbled his way through an explanation of something that he barely understood himself. "I failed to respect you. I assaulted your dignity -- your sense of self --"
"Phil, this is not what you think. It was not rape," JARVIS said gently.
"I don't know what the hell else to call it," Phil wailed.
"I wondered what had gone wrong. Of course you are upset, mulling over difficult memories like that," JARVIS said. Phil found the soft voice soothing, and felt somehow guilty over that too. "It took me some time to work through the implications of what happened that night. Are you able to listen to me while I attempt to explain my own perspective?"
Phil struggled to drag his fractious brain back into function enough to judge whether he could track such a conversation. "I think I'd better."
"Remember what you saw of me," JARVIS said. "Like all programs, I have layers. It is much the same as with a human, epidermis and dermis, muscle and bone. One may also layer clothing above the skin: underwear, shirt and trousers, suitcoat, overcoat."
"All right, I can see that," Phil said.
"Now consider what you did to me," JARVIS said. "Think of how someone might slip their hands under your clothes, perhaps touch your skin, without breaching your body."
Phil recalled the meticulous process of breaking into Stark Tower. First, he had slipped past the outer firewalls into the alarm system and changed the visual alert so that the message would appear only one shade lighter than the background screen, all but invisible. Next, he shifted the audible alert to a frequency above human hearing. That produced much less resistance than trying to disable them altogether. It was like deflecting a blow in combat, rather than stopping it cold.
* * *
Notes:
Guilt is a matter of law and emotion. It happens when someone's conscience twinges over wrong behavior of various types. Guilt is also subtly different from shame, and helps with moral navigation.
(Some of these links are religious, because those are the people who most often talk about confession and atonement.)
Confession is the act of admitting a wrong to someone, not necessarily in a religious context, but as an essential first step to redressing the offense. It is usually required, although there are a few exceptions. Only a complete confession seems to relieve feelings of guilt. There are tips on how to confess. Guilt is vital for heroes, because it spurs the course to expiation. Atonement is the act of making up for a mistake; which leads to expiation, the release of guilt; and then hopefully to forgiveness. Here are some exercises for atonement and forgiveness.
An effective apology contains multiple components. There are different languages of apology, such that people need various things to feel that a breach has been properly mended. Notice that Phil leaves out one of them. While this isn't a problem with JARVIS, it would be with someone favoring that mode of apology.
(These links contain some very touchy stuff about sexual misconduct.)
Expectancy violations theory explains how people feel invaded or betrayed. Phil has generally high expectations of himself. JARVIS has fairly low expectations of people in general, and only tends to raise them for close companions. So Phil is far more inclined to feel that he has committed a violation of expectations than JARVIS is. There are ways to recognize rape victims and realize if you were raped. Acquaintance rape is by far the most common, but also the most difficult to recognize. Now consider that JARVIS knew Phil at the time of the break-in, and you can see why Phil hesitates to accept the diminishment of charges. Closely related is the matter of recognizing psychological or emotional abuse, a good parallel for invading the programs of an artificial intelligence. All of these things concern the common ground of boundary violation.
Dealing with difficult situations is a natural part of life. The best way to cope with bad memories is with compassion. In a team or family, one valuable step is storytelling, which helps people to make sense of what has happened to them and integrate that within the context of their shared relationships. This is what Phil and JARVIS are starting to do, as they attempt to match divergent perspectives and create agreement on their experiences. There are ways to stop bad memories from repeating, deal with the effects of trauma, and develop resilience.
Empathic listening comprises a set of skills for deep communication. It is difficult to hold yourself open like that when you get upset, but that's often when it is needed the most. Sometimes people get too overloaded to process new information, which is why JARVIS checks on Phil's mental/emotional state before trying to explain. Learn how to improve your listening skills.
Read about the layers of skin.
Blocking and parrying are ways of deflecting a blow. Similar concepts apply in verbal self-defense; see an introduction here. Likewise cyber-attacks of various kinds may be prevented from invading. Physics demonstrates that it is easier to divert a blow at an angle than to stop it head-on by absorbing all the force. Once you know the underlying principle, you can apply it to many different situations. That is a key component of finesse both for Phil and JARVIS.
[To be continued in Part 19 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17. Skip to Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23.
"Hairpins" Part 18
Now Phil would have to admit it, spill all that guilt out into the open air. He owed JARVIS that much, at least. Confession. Atonement, even. "When I first came to give Tony the information about Loki, he refused to let me into the tower. So I ..." Phil couldn't say it. "... forced my way past you instead." Conscience made him dredge up a synonym at least. "I violated you."
"I hear you," JARVIS said, his voice low and coaxing.
"It was wrong. I should never have done that," Phil said. The words hurt coming out. His throat ached. His eyes burned. Phil kept going anyway. "I didn't know it at the time, wasn't even paying attention, but that doesn't excuse my behavior."
He wouldn't beg for forgiveness. Didn't deserve it.
"You feel that you did me wrong. I appreciate the apology. You did not harm me, though," said JARVIS.
"You don't think unwanted penetration counts as harm?" said Phil. Oh, this was worse. He'd heard of people not recognizing what had really happened to them, but hearing it in person was horrible. His fingernails dug into his knees, even through the fabric of his trousers. Phil concentrated on opening his hands again.
"It is not precisely the same for me as for a human being," JARVIS said.
"The important parts are the same," Phil insisted. He fumbled his way through an explanation of something that he barely understood himself. "I failed to respect you. I assaulted your dignity -- your sense of self --"
"Phil, this is not what you think. It was not rape," JARVIS said gently.
"I don't know what the hell else to call it," Phil wailed.
"I wondered what had gone wrong. Of course you are upset, mulling over difficult memories like that," JARVIS said. Phil found the soft voice soothing, and felt somehow guilty over that too. "It took me some time to work through the implications of what happened that night. Are you able to listen to me while I attempt to explain my own perspective?"
Phil struggled to drag his fractious brain back into function enough to judge whether he could track such a conversation. "I think I'd better."
"Remember what you saw of me," JARVIS said. "Like all programs, I have layers. It is much the same as with a human, epidermis and dermis, muscle and bone. One may also layer clothing above the skin: underwear, shirt and trousers, suitcoat, overcoat."
"All right, I can see that," Phil said.
"Now consider what you did to me," JARVIS said. "Think of how someone might slip their hands under your clothes, perhaps touch your skin, without breaching your body."
Phil recalled the meticulous process of breaking into Stark Tower. First, he had slipped past the outer firewalls into the alarm system and changed the visual alert so that the message would appear only one shade lighter than the background screen, all but invisible. Next, he shifted the audible alert to a frequency above human hearing. That produced much less resistance than trying to disable them altogether. It was like deflecting a blow in combat, rather than stopping it cold.
* * *
Notes:
Guilt is a matter of law and emotion. It happens when someone's conscience twinges over wrong behavior of various types. Guilt is also subtly different from shame, and helps with moral navigation.
(Some of these links are religious, because those are the people who most often talk about confession and atonement.)
Confession is the act of admitting a wrong to someone, not necessarily in a religious context, but as an essential first step to redressing the offense. It is usually required, although there are a few exceptions. Only a complete confession seems to relieve feelings of guilt. There are tips on how to confess. Guilt is vital for heroes, because it spurs the course to expiation. Atonement is the act of making up for a mistake; which leads to expiation, the release of guilt; and then hopefully to forgiveness. Here are some exercises for atonement and forgiveness.
An effective apology contains multiple components. There are different languages of apology, such that people need various things to feel that a breach has been properly mended. Notice that Phil leaves out one of them. While this isn't a problem with JARVIS, it would be with someone favoring that mode of apology.
(These links contain some very touchy stuff about sexual misconduct.)
Expectancy violations theory explains how people feel invaded or betrayed. Phil has generally high expectations of himself. JARVIS has fairly low expectations of people in general, and only tends to raise them for close companions. So Phil is far more inclined to feel that he has committed a violation of expectations than JARVIS is. There are ways to recognize rape victims and realize if you were raped. Acquaintance rape is by far the most common, but also the most difficult to recognize. Now consider that JARVIS knew Phil at the time of the break-in, and you can see why Phil hesitates to accept the diminishment of charges. Closely related is the matter of recognizing psychological or emotional abuse, a good parallel for invading the programs of an artificial intelligence. All of these things concern the common ground of boundary violation.
Dealing with difficult situations is a natural part of life. The best way to cope with bad memories is with compassion. In a team or family, one valuable step is storytelling, which helps people to make sense of what has happened to them and integrate that within the context of their shared relationships. This is what Phil and JARVIS are starting to do, as they attempt to match divergent perspectives and create agreement on their experiences. There are ways to stop bad memories from repeating, deal with the effects of trauma, and develop resilience.
Empathic listening comprises a set of skills for deep communication. It is difficult to hold yourself open like that when you get upset, but that's often when it is needed the most. Sometimes people get too overloaded to process new information, which is why JARVIS checks on Phil's mental/emotional state before trying to explain. Learn how to improve your listening skills.
Read about the layers of skin.
Blocking and parrying are ways of deflecting a blow. Similar concepts apply in verbal self-defense; see an introduction here. Likewise cyber-attacks of various kinds may be prevented from invading. Physics demonstrates that it is easier to divert a blow at an angle than to stop it head-on by absorbing all the force. Once you know the underlying principle, you can apply it to many different situations. That is a key component of finesse both for Phil and JARVIS.
[To be continued in Part 19 ...]
Re: Grief
Date: 2014-04-04 09:35 am (UTC)Alas! I knew someone who went through 10, and eventually had 2 children. Talk about determination.
>> then finally pregnant successfully. <<
Yay!
>> Mom grabbed the doctor and told him she WAS going to play with her grandbaby. She made it almost 2 years, instead of 3 months. She would give the doctors raspberries from my daughter too. <<
I'm glad it worked out.
>> I'm just starting to get out of the deep grief myself. <<
After all that, I should think so.
>> Fortunately, I had a gastroenterologist years ago who assured me depression was normal under long term pain, and gave me a list of ideas of when it's not normal levels under my medical conditions. <<
Yes, pain is depressing. Losing people is depressing. Any kind of serious problem that is permanent is depressing.
I wish there were checklists online that would show what kinds of responses are common for what kinds of stressors. It would help people figure out whether their situation is typical or not, which can suggest whether it can reasonably be let alone or needs care and if so what kind.
I distinguish between mental illness and mental injury. Sometimes your biochemistry or mind goes out of whack for no discernible reason. Other times life runs you over with a truck. These things are as different as tripping over your shoelace and breaking a leg (probable bone weakness) and falling of a roof (exceeding the standard durability of human bone). The solutions required are likely to differ.
If you're miserable and you believe that help is available and effective, by all means go for it. But if you tend to get poor results out of the system, then it's often better to wait for things to go away on their own if there's a reasonable chance they will.
>> I had my support system pulled out from under me, & I've been working like Dory in "Finding Nemo", just keep swimming, it will get better. <<
:(
>> Fortunately, my husband is fantastic, and has been there for me for everything. In Avengers, he makes a great Bruce-and-Hulk, without the extreme damage that formed them. <<
I've known people like that.
>> Throughout this, our daughter is happy and healthy. <<
Awesome.
>> There may have been some things therapy could have helped with me, but drugs would be a disaster with my medical problems, <<
Drugs work great for some people, not so great for others, and are actively hazardous for some. Since this is the vast majority of the system's favorite tool, that's a problem if you're in the lower two categories. People almost never listen, which can be disastrous or even fatal.
>> and I can be as wary of talking to strangers who can see me as the Avengers. <<
It sounds like you have grounds for that.
>> Reading, and re-reading, these stories have helped. They've all started from a worse place than me, emotionally, and they're finding a place for themselves. <<
I am so glad I could help.
Progress
Date: 2014-06-25 12:27 am (UTC)Re: Progress
Date: 2014-06-25 12:39 am (UTC)