Story: "Hairpins" Part 16
Mar. 26th, 2014 12:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15. Skip to Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21.
WARNING: In this chapter begins a major meltdown as Phil thinks back over past interactions and the implications of JARVIS being a person. Highlight to read the blacked-out section above, if you haven't already. The intense part continues for several chapters. Please make sure you're in safe headspace and environment before deciding whether to read onward.
"Hairpins" Part 16
"How about grays?" JARVIS suggested, changing the display of pajamas.
"Promising," Phil said as he poked at the offerings. "Lose the black-and-white ones." Several images blinked out. "Tone down the color contrast." More images disappeared. "Look for things with soft, wide stripes. Nothing too loud or busy." Fresh pictures appeared. JARVIS flicked a few of them toward the top. Phil chose a medium gray banded with white.
"That looks good," JARVIS said. "It has a nice foggy effect."
Phil moved the two selections to the upper left of the screen. Then he brushed away the unwanted ones and used the space to open an order form. Given Bruce's tendency to scruff around in clothes too large for him, Phil picked out a design with plenty of room. Soon he requested one set of pajamas in each fabric.
"He'll be like one of those geckos at the zoo that nobody can ever find," Phil said with a chuckle.
"Perhaps so," JARVIS said. He put up two old surveillance photos of Bruce, one in brown and one in gray. Neither showed a clear view. "It is often difficult to find him or get close to him. He knows how to hide from cameras."
"Not without reason," Phil said sadly. He had spent a lot of time watching various members of his team. He'd had to shoot Clint in order to slow him down enough to make first contact, which required a lot of trustbuilding before the damaged archer could really bond with him. Then Clint had brought in Natasha much the same way. Phil had found and lost Bruce repeatedly over the years. Coaxing him to fit into a team would be a delicate process. Even getting within reach of Tony required deft footwork and usually a round of diligent hacking.
Just like that, a memory of bringing Tony into the Avengers slid down Phil's spine like a shard of ice. Phil had first tried to reach him through ordinary channels, and when Tony blew him off, Phil had then overridden the protocols to break in.
Protocols that weren't just programs.
JARVIS was a person.
Phil had hacked a person.
The Starkpad slipped from his suddenly numb fingers to land in his lap. His heart hammered. The edges of the world dimmed and faded. Someone was calling his name, from very far away, but Phil could hardly hear it over the sea-roar of guilt surging in his ears. He curled up, doubling over his knees in a vain effort to keep control.
"Phil? Are you all right?"
JARVIS had denied him entrance, and Phil had forced his way in anyhow. Phil was a master hacker. He didn't have to take 'no' for an answer. He could reach in and write his own 'yes' wherever he wanted. It had been a challenge, but he had met it. The realization was dizzying. The breach of integrity took his breath away.
"... hear me, please respond ..."
Phil remembered the towering firewalls of code that he had breached. He remembered the sense of triumph when he finally penetrated the Stark Industries security, and the inkling of something far greater that shimmered just out of reach. At the time he had felt only satisfaction and admiration. Now those submerged under a wash of shame.
* * *
Notes:
Read about the symbolism of the color gray and see Bruce's gray pajamas.
Men may wear baggy clothes out of indifference or ignorance. Women often do it to hide their bodies, either because they think they look bad or wish to avoid unwelcome attention. Bruce does it to hide, as armor, as camouflage, to leave room for Hulk, and because shopping second-hand makes it hard to find a precise fit. There are tips for buying clothes that fit.
Trust is a vital foundation for human interactions. It is more difficult among strangers or people who have hurt each other. Trust is essential in personal relationships and especially in therapeutic ones. There have even been studies on trust done with a robot. Understand how to earn the trust of your friends, and how to repair trust after betrayal. Trustbuilding is a gradual process that requires time. There are trustbuilding exercises which can help, and should be presented in order from easy ones that ask little of people through ones that require increasing amounts of trust. Forcing people to rely on each other with no established baseline of safety is more likely to undermine trust than build it.
Hackers can break into any computer, for positive or negative reasons. Some of them have ethics relating to the sanctity of knowledge. Some focus on doing no damage, or at least minimizing necessary damage. In this context, Phil is a gray hat: breaking into places he's not welcome, but doing so for valid reasons and with the least possible harm. Learn about how to become a hacker. Of course, there's a world of difference between hacking a mindless computer and hacking an artificial intelligence.
Roboethics must consider the question of whether robots and other artificial intelligences should have rights, and why; and if so, which rights. Robots also interact with the rights of humans. Fundamental to this discussion are the right to life and the right to personal integrity of mind and body. It is the latter which Phil violated by reprogramming JARVIS without consent, and which makes Phil upset with himself. (This next link is downright disturbing.) Studies have been done which indicate that humans can bond with robots and become reluctant to harm them, even when the interactive programming is pretty rudimentary. There is already an American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Robots. Logically in this series, Tony would have his fingers all up in that pie.
What happens to Phil is partway between a panic attack and a flashback. A panic attack has symptoms relating to acute anxiety over present safety. There are ways to help someone through a panic attack. A flashback entails reliving (in part or in whole) a past experience as if it is happening right now. It has symptoms relating to entrapment and dissociation. Understand how to help a person having a flashback and support them. There are also ways to cope with flashbacks of your own or even stop a flashback. In this case, Phil is not trapped in a memory, but rather is floored by the implications of his past actions in light of newly discovered information. This creates an intense emotional overload, leading to partial dissociation from physical awareness, which takes a few minutes for him to process enough to regain control of his body.dreamwriteremmy pointed out that the trope term for this is Heroic Blue Screen of Death.
Shame is an emotion resulting from failure to live up to personal or other standards. It can teach, but it can also harm. Know how to let go of shame.
[To be continued in Part 17 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15. Skip to Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21.
WARNING: In this chapter begins a major meltdown as Phil thinks back over past interactions and the implications of JARVIS being a person. Highlight to read the blacked-out section above, if you haven't already. The intense part continues for several chapters. Please make sure you're in safe headspace and environment before deciding whether to read onward.
"Hairpins" Part 16
"How about grays?" JARVIS suggested, changing the display of pajamas.
"Promising," Phil said as he poked at the offerings. "Lose the black-and-white ones." Several images blinked out. "Tone down the color contrast." More images disappeared. "Look for things with soft, wide stripes. Nothing too loud or busy." Fresh pictures appeared. JARVIS flicked a few of them toward the top. Phil chose a medium gray banded with white.
"That looks good," JARVIS said. "It has a nice foggy effect."
Phil moved the two selections to the upper left of the screen. Then he brushed away the unwanted ones and used the space to open an order form. Given Bruce's tendency to scruff around in clothes too large for him, Phil picked out a design with plenty of room. Soon he requested one set of pajamas in each fabric.
"He'll be like one of those geckos at the zoo that nobody can ever find," Phil said with a chuckle.
"Perhaps so," JARVIS said. He put up two old surveillance photos of Bruce, one in brown and one in gray. Neither showed a clear view. "It is often difficult to find him or get close to him. He knows how to hide from cameras."
"Not without reason," Phil said sadly. He had spent a lot of time watching various members of his team. He'd had to shoot Clint in order to slow him down enough to make first contact, which required a lot of trustbuilding before the damaged archer could really bond with him. Then Clint had brought in Natasha much the same way. Phil had found and lost Bruce repeatedly over the years. Coaxing him to fit into a team would be a delicate process. Even getting within reach of Tony required deft footwork and usually a round of diligent hacking.
Just like that, a memory of bringing Tony into the Avengers slid down Phil's spine like a shard of ice. Phil had first tried to reach him through ordinary channels, and when Tony blew him off, Phil had then overridden the protocols to break in.
Protocols that weren't just programs.
JARVIS was a person.
Phil had hacked a person.
The Starkpad slipped from his suddenly numb fingers to land in his lap. His heart hammered. The edges of the world dimmed and faded. Someone was calling his name, from very far away, but Phil could hardly hear it over the sea-roar of guilt surging in his ears. He curled up, doubling over his knees in a vain effort to keep control.
"Phil? Are you all right?"
JARVIS had denied him entrance, and Phil had forced his way in anyhow. Phil was a master hacker. He didn't have to take 'no' for an answer. He could reach in and write his own 'yes' wherever he wanted. It had been a challenge, but he had met it. The realization was dizzying. The breach of integrity took his breath away.
"... hear me, please respond ..."
Phil remembered the towering firewalls of code that he had breached. He remembered the sense of triumph when he finally penetrated the Stark Industries security, and the inkling of something far greater that shimmered just out of reach. At the time he had felt only satisfaction and admiration. Now those submerged under a wash of shame.
* * *
Notes:
Read about the symbolism of the color gray and see Bruce's gray pajamas.
Men may wear baggy clothes out of indifference or ignorance. Women often do it to hide their bodies, either because they think they look bad or wish to avoid unwelcome attention. Bruce does it to hide, as armor, as camouflage, to leave room for Hulk, and because shopping second-hand makes it hard to find a precise fit. There are tips for buying clothes that fit.
Trust is a vital foundation for human interactions. It is more difficult among strangers or people who have hurt each other. Trust is essential in personal relationships and especially in therapeutic ones. There have even been studies on trust done with a robot. Understand how to earn the trust of your friends, and how to repair trust after betrayal. Trustbuilding is a gradual process that requires time. There are trustbuilding exercises which can help, and should be presented in order from easy ones that ask little of people through ones that require increasing amounts of trust. Forcing people to rely on each other with no established baseline of safety is more likely to undermine trust than build it.
Hackers can break into any computer, for positive or negative reasons. Some of them have ethics relating to the sanctity of knowledge. Some focus on doing no damage, or at least minimizing necessary damage. In this context, Phil is a gray hat: breaking into places he's not welcome, but doing so for valid reasons and with the least possible harm. Learn about how to become a hacker. Of course, there's a world of difference between hacking a mindless computer and hacking an artificial intelligence.
Roboethics must consider the question of whether robots and other artificial intelligences should have rights, and why; and if so, which rights. Robots also interact with the rights of humans. Fundamental to this discussion are the right to life and the right to personal integrity of mind and body. It is the latter which Phil violated by reprogramming JARVIS without consent, and which makes Phil upset with himself. (This next link is downright disturbing.) Studies have been done which indicate that humans can bond with robots and become reluctant to harm them, even when the interactive programming is pretty rudimentary. There is already an American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Robots. Logically in this series, Tony would have his fingers all up in that pie.
What happens to Phil is partway between a panic attack and a flashback. A panic attack has symptoms relating to acute anxiety over present safety. There are ways to help someone through a panic attack. A flashback entails reliving (in part or in whole) a past experience as if it is happening right now. It has symptoms relating to entrapment and dissociation. Understand how to help a person having a flashback and support them. There are also ways to cope with flashbacks of your own or even stop a flashback. In this case, Phil is not trapped in a memory, but rather is floored by the implications of his past actions in light of newly discovered information. This creates an intense emotional overload, leading to partial dissociation from physical awareness, which takes a few minutes for him to process enough to regain control of his body.
dreamwriteremmy pointed out that the trope term for this is Heroic Blue Screen of Death.Shame is an emotion resulting from failure to live up to personal or other standards. It can teach, but it can also harm. Know how to let go of shame.
[To be continued in Part 17 ...]
Ack!
Date: 2014-03-26 09:35 am (UTC)For now, poor Phil. Poor JARVIS, because he's got no idea why Phil is freaking out and that's terrifying, too. But this will get fixed because you always fix it and I friggin' love you for it. Update soon! <3
~RageQueen
Re: Ack!
Date: 2014-04-13 07:18 pm (UTC)That's okay. Read it however works for you.
>> I'm so excited that you're still writing in this universe and I absolutely LOVE it. <3 <<
Yay! I'm happy to hear that.
>> For now, poor Phil. Poor JARVIS, because he's got no idea why Phil is freaking out and that's terrifying, too. <<
Yes. It's always worse when something goes wrong and you have no idea what or why. Phil was blindsided by the realization but at least has a handle on what ran him over. JARVIS has no clue until Phil recovers enough to explain aloud. So all JARVIS can do is default to the standard flashback-care routine, which actually is a great routine and does help. But it's still nerve-wracking.
>> But this will get fixed because you always fix it and I friggin' love you for it. Update soon! <3 <<
I appreciate the vote of confidence. For what it's worth, the story currently updates on Monday-Wednesday-Friday.