Touch Aversion

[ysabetwordsmith]

As part of the three_weeks_for_dw project (running April 25-May 15), I'm posting some content just to Dreamwidth. This is a good opportunity to seek new readers for your blog and new blogs to read, and to recommend stuff you enjoy on other people's blogs to help them make new connections too. Previously we discussed "Skin Hunger."  Continue to later sections: "Primates Need Touch," "Self-Soothing and Self-Control," "Compassion and Gentleness," "Creating Safe Space," "Building Trust," "Healthy Vulnerability," "Coping with Emotional Drop."


"Touch Aversion"

Touch aversion is the counterpoint to skin hunger. Some people prefer to abstain from physical contact with other people. This is also known as chiraptophobia, touch avoidance, or tactile defensiveness. It can be considered a subtype of sensory defensiveness. There is a quiz to explore whether you have touch aversion.


Causes may be psychological, physical, or both. Autistic people may dislike touching due to hypersensitivity or difficulty filtering out sensations. Premature birth is also associated with touch aversion. Child abuse often leaves survivors resistant to physical contact; other traumatic experiences such as rape may do the same. Pregnant women sometimes do not want to be touched, although this usually fades after childbirth.  Chronic pain and other illnesses can turn mild contact into agony.   Someone may resist having one body part touched, but feel okay about others.

Some people may wish to overcome touch aversion, others not. Frequently relatives desire or demand physical contact -- not just spouses, but also parents of tactile-defensive children. It's not a good idea to harass anyone on this point. However, gradual introduction of loving touch can make progress toward finding mutually agreeable forms of contact. Therapy techniques such as anchoring can help overcome touch aversion.

There's a useful saying that sometimes appears in PTSD discussions: "You don't have to eat the eggplant." That means if something bothers you a lot, but comes up rarely, you can just skip it. Things that come up frequently, or are necessary for some reason, may justify the amount of work required to tolerate them. Do a cost-effectiveness assessment. Think about how much time, effort, and expense would be required to get over a particular hangup vs. what you would gain by being able to do that thing with less upset. Then work on the issue(s) that will give you the best bang for your buck. It's up to you whether touching, or certain types of touching, are worth doing or not.

In my research of this topic, I found this interesting snippet about positive portrayals of touch-averse characters. In my research of this topic, I found this interesting snippet about positive portrayals of touch-averse characters. I must admit, I've seen almost none of those anywhere. The Eldritch characters by M.C.A. Hogarth include a few examples; they're touch-telempaths. If I look at my own work, I can identify at least one: Solvig in Hart's Farm. If you read "After Dark," that's typical of her interactions with other people; she rarely seems to touch more than minimally and briefly. Solvig is asexual, aromantic, and reserved in general. She dresses in very sober, modest clothing by choice. She has close positive relationships; she just isn't a physically demonstrative person.

So I'm curious: would folks like to see more coverage of characters who are touch-averse and not otherwise a complete mess?

* * * 

Read two Torn World poems featuring touch aversion: "Stinging Like Nettles" and "Wandering the Heights."

Comments

[busaikko]

Hm... that quiz didn't work well for me. I don't find touch repulsive or vulgar, but I have to know and trust the person doing the touching. For example, the thought of any "opposite-sex person" throwing an arm around me makes my shoulders go up defensively, but not if it was my dad or brother or kid. The way the quiz was phrased made it seem like the authors disapproved of touch aversion (the phrase "I find your touch vulgar" is quite insulting, and the actual feeling, for me, is more "your touch makes me feel nervous"). I scored 62/90 but I think I'd have done differently if the questions were phrased stranger/trusted person.

John Sheppard in Stargate:Atlantis is a character who is easy to read as touch averse. He stiffens up in hugs, knew his best friend for two seasons before giving her an awkward hand-pat, and seems much more at ease practicing martial arts. He is able to manage social interactions (handshakes, being hugged by his ex-wife at his dad's funeral) but it's obvious it doesn't come easily. But he has a circle of close friends, and with them he can accept and give touch (comforting a friend in mourning). It's never outright stated that he's touch averse, but it's obvious and still he has good friends who care for him. So I think he's a positive portrayal.

[raze]

Interesting question you post at the end. I am on the fence as someone with severe touch aversion; on one hand, I'm sure there are people out there who come from an environment where their aversion was better respected and were thus able to grow up with a healthier mind set about it. On the other hand, virtually every person I know with touch aversion has found it to be incredibly difficult and traumatic when it comes to navigating social situations and consequently DO tend to be a bit of a mess - especially if touch has been forced on them or if they've forced it on themselves. So I suppose, as with any characters, I'd like a broader spectrum. I want to see portrayals of people who accept and are untroubled by their touch aversion, and I want to see people it challenges and upsets tremendously.

What I'd like to see more of, perhaps more importantly to me, is people with touch aversion being treated RESPECTFULLY in fiction - not having touch forced on them, not being treated like damaged and flawed, and not being magically fucked out of their problems by someone with a nice smile and a big cock. The sex and/or true love fixes EVERYTHING trope annoys the shit out of me here as much as it does anywhere else because for many of us it's so dishonest. I am married, more or less happily, and my touch aversion didn't poof out of existence for the right person. It's a challenge, often a heartbreaking and frustrating one, we deal with every day.

[serpentine]

The protagonist in the story I'm working on has some level of touch aversion and while he is a bit of a mess, the story is also focused on him working on his issues (the ones that aren't necessarily touch related) rather than leaving them unfixed. He will probably continue to have issues with being touched except for touch from those whom he trusts. His relationship with his wife is defintely more nonsexual than not to be honest and involves a lot of snuggling as the main contact between the two. However, it took him some time to be able to get to that point.

(This may also be a case of me writing what I know, so.)

Helpful terminology

[syntaxofthings]

Thank you for this series! I've had a hard time recently figuring out this need I've been feeling for touch, but not sure what to do with it. Now I have the right words to describe what I've been feeling: I've been feeling skin hunger, but it's hard to do anything about because I am also touch averse. Yes, I can and will give my friends hugs when I see them, but when I need some touch, I feel awkward asking for it, and I do my utmost to avoid touching strangers and acquaintances.

On the other hand, I'm very comfortable with professional massages. At least I have that (expensive) way to try and counteract my skin hunger.

[sylvaine]

Thank you for writing this - touch aversion is not really a thing I have ever heard much of (and I really should have - honestly, what is with society and ignoring basic needs of people not-exactly-like-the-mainstream?!) and it really helps me understand some of my friends better. I mentioned previously that we were a pretty touchy-feely bunch in high school - well, not all of us, and I never quite understood that, or really respected it. I feel kind of guilty about that now.^^;;;

ETA: Also, re: whether I'd like to see more positive portrayals of touch-averse people in fiction, yes, definitely! Just like I want to see more portrayals of non-sexual touching. And non-touching intimacy. And pretty much anything that doesn't fit the mainstream models for how people are allowed to act and be.

[(Anonymous)]

I found this entry all these years later, and it makes me think. Other than touch telempaths like Spock, or a character like Rogue who would hurt or kill someone, the only non-powered touch averse characters right off the top of my head other than those mentioned are Tony Stark and Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang. Hmm. -kellyc