Healthy Vulnerability
May. 3rd, 2013 01:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithAs part of the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
three_weeks_for_dw project (running April 25-May 15), I'm posting some content just to Dreamwidth. This is a good opportunity to seek new readers for your blog and new blogs to read, and to recommend stuff you enjoy on other people's blogs to help them make new connections too. Previously we discussed "Skin Hunger," "Touch Aversion," "Primates Need Touch," "Self-Soothing and Self-Control," "Compassion and Gentleness," "Creating Safe Space," and "Building Trust." Skip ahead to "Coping with Emotional Drop."
Healthy Vulnerability
Vulnerability refers to openness and risk-taking in relationships. There is always a chance of getting hurt, yet without taking that chance, close bonds are difficult or impossible to form. Vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with trust in connecting one person to another.
Other emotions may cover up vulnerability, such as anger or indifference. It is related to fear, and people generally try to avoid fear. In particular, they doubt their own worth. So choosing to be vulnerable in a relationship also means trusting that you are worth taking a chance on, and that the other person will not take advantage of you.
Despite the negative connotations, there is value in vulnerability. It is a gateway to intimacy. It's important that people in a relationship be equally vulnerable to each other. If one is exposed and another not, or less so, then that creates a power imbalance which can distort the relationship.
People may get caught up in the idea of rejection and abandonment, and thus shy away from potential vulnerability, especially abuse survivors. It is difficult to balance vulnerability and trust after an abusive relationship. Watch for signs of trust issues in vulnerable moments. Pay attention to how much and what kind of trust is offered. There are steps for acknowledging the harm done and overcoming it. It's important to balance openness and safety.
Experiencing vulnerability and openness can lead to an emotional drop afterwards. This is most often called "sub drop" from its appearance in the kink community, but it can occur after sensual or other intimate scenes that are not heavy BDSM. A related concept is "con drop," the letdown after a convention when you've spent all weekend with like-minded people and must then return to mundane life. The effects can also apply to the dominant partner in a scene, or for that matter, anyone after an intense emotional experience. The aftercare is similar, shoring up a person's physical and mental stability. Be alert for this possibility in yourself and others if you are doing emotional work, and be prepared to take care of the drop if it happens.
How do you perceive vulnerability? What are some of its pros and cons? How have you approached vulnerable times in a relationship?
three_weeks_for_dw project (running April 25-May 15), I'm posting some content just to Dreamwidth. This is a good opportunity to seek new readers for your blog and new blogs to read, and to recommend stuff you enjoy on other people's blogs to help them make new connections too. Previously we discussed "Skin Hunger," "Touch Aversion," "Primates Need Touch," "Self-Soothing and Self-Control," "Compassion and Gentleness," "Creating Safe Space," and "Building Trust." Skip ahead to "Coping with Emotional Drop."Healthy Vulnerability
Vulnerability refers to openness and risk-taking in relationships. There is always a chance of getting hurt, yet without taking that chance, close bonds are difficult or impossible to form. Vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with trust in connecting one person to another.
Other emotions may cover up vulnerability, such as anger or indifference. It is related to fear, and people generally try to avoid fear. In particular, they doubt their own worth. So choosing to be vulnerable in a relationship also means trusting that you are worth taking a chance on, and that the other person will not take advantage of you.
Despite the negative connotations, there is value in vulnerability. It is a gateway to intimacy. It's important that people in a relationship be equally vulnerable to each other. If one is exposed and another not, or less so, then that creates a power imbalance which can distort the relationship.
People may get caught up in the idea of rejection and abandonment, and thus shy away from potential vulnerability, especially abuse survivors. It is difficult to balance vulnerability and trust after an abusive relationship. Watch for signs of trust issues in vulnerable moments. Pay attention to how much and what kind of trust is offered. There are steps for acknowledging the harm done and overcoming it. It's important to balance openness and safety.
Experiencing vulnerability and openness can lead to an emotional drop afterwards. This is most often called "sub drop" from its appearance in the kink community, but it can occur after sensual or other intimate scenes that are not heavy BDSM. A related concept is "con drop," the letdown after a convention when you've spent all weekend with like-minded people and must then return to mundane life. The effects can also apply to the dominant partner in a scene, or for that matter, anyone after an intense emotional experience. The aftercare is similar, shoring up a person's physical and mental stability. Be alert for this possibility in yourself and others if you are doing emotional work, and be prepared to take care of the drop if it happens.
How do you perceive vulnerability? What are some of its pros and cons? How have you approached vulnerable times in a relationship?
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-03 08:16 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-05-03 08:29 pm (UTC)It is a very widely known experience. Based on my observations, I suspect a majority of convention attendees have experienced it, and many do so every time. Not everyone does, though.
>> Suddenly I have a word for that experience, instead of "oh whoops it is post-convention time, I must now mope for a week." Rock on. <<
The term is less known than the experience. It probably drifted over from "sub drop" by way of the kink community.
Hmm, and they didn't bother to modify the aftercare instructions because the only instructions I could find were kink-flavored, which isn't optimum for handling any other kind of drop. The details can bother people who aren't in that community.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-04 12:23 am (UTC)Thoughts
Date: 2013-05-04 02:35 am (UTC)It is real, and it is fairly common.
>> It was always suggested, and thus I always figured, that it was just my own set of issues making me miserable after conventions. Ha, take that, I'm not so messed up as everyone thought! <<
Look for the pattern. Sometimes things are individual, but other times they are contextual and collective. They may even be both at once. It's easy to cover up a larger dynamic by saying, "Oh, it's just you/me." That's especially true if people don't talk to others with the same experience. Happily the internet is cutting down on that tendency and allowing people to find others with similar experiences.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-04 12:15 am (UTC)Related to the above, a heartfelt thank you for including the info on dropping after nonsexual emotional work. You know why.
You're welcome!
Date: 2013-05-04 02:22 am (UTC)I'm glad I could help.
>>As someone who's been known to pair her own vulnerability with a side of righteous (or not so righteous, depending) anger, deliberate intellect or both at once... yeah, this particular post applies to me in quite a few ways.<<
Working with emotions is a lot like untangling yarn. 1) Stop yanking on it. 2) Trace the strands. 3) Tease them apart. 4) You may need to find a sharp point to use as a knot-pick.
>>Related to the above, a heartfelt thank you for including the info on dropping after nonsexual emotional work. You know why. <<
I finally decided that since the only material on coping with emotional drop was kinky, there really needed to be a topic-neutral version, so I wrote that as an extra installment.
Re: You're welcome!
Date: 2013-05-24 01:52 pm (UTC)OMG this is genius! So true when I think about it ... and I am very good at untangling yarn, so it's a metaphor that really resonates.
I am thinking about what you said about vulnerability being a power thing that should be equal, or mostly equal, between partners. I feel like the severity of my physical disabilities means that it's almost impossible for the vulnerability/power of any relationship to be anywhere close to equal in many important ways ... so now I wonder if the fact that I have issues with trust/vulnerability in close relationships is related to that??
Re: You're welcome!
Date: 2013-05-26 12:55 am (UTC)I'm glad I could help. I actually picked this up from one of my characters. Two people were having a serious conflict. She handed them a tangle of two different yarns and let them yank on it. Then she told them to untangle it. Took a while, but it helped.
>> I feel like the severity of my physical disabilities means that it's almost impossible for the vulnerability/power of any relationship to be anywhere close to equal in many important ways ... <<
Well, consider that there are many types of power and vulnerability. Some are more malleable than others. There may not be much you can do about the physical limitations. However, other things are independent from that. Financial power, social power, dominance and submission, those are all separate. They may be related -- it's harder for a disabled person to make money and gain financial power, and it may be harder to gain social influence, but some still manage.
You might find it useful to look around and list all the different kinds of power you can identify. Then consider how much of each you have, and whether you'd be comfortable having more, and if so how you might get it.
>>so now I wonder if the fact that I have issues with trust/vulnerability in close relationships is related to that??<<
That's possible. Consider whether people in your relationships tend to support you in developing as much agency and influence as you possibly can, or not, or actively interfere with that. You might think about exploring power exchange in your personal life, if you're currently in a healthy relationship or looking for on. If not, maybe seek other opportunities where you could be in charge and practice the positive use of power. It's much harder to control and mistreat someone who understands how influence works.
I'm very familiar with a wide variety of power dynamics, so if you'd like to keep exploring this, we can.