![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk," and "kintsukuroi."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Nick Fury
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Minor character death. Bullying. Fighting. Suicide attempt (minor character).
Summary: This is the story of how a little boy named Flip grows up to save the world a lot.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. Accidents. Emotional whump. Disability. Sibling relationship. Nonsexual love. Parentification. Manipulation. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Protection. Caregiving. Competence. Toys and games. Comic books. Fixing things. Martial arts. Gentleness. Trust. Role models. Military. BAMF Phil Coulson.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21. Skip to Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27.
"Little and Broken, but Still Good" Part 22
"I don't get it," Phil says. He picks at a loose thread on his pants. They're getting old. He needs a new pair, but there isn't a lot of money for clothes. His family isn't poor, they just have to be ... careful. Phil sits on his hand. The pants will last longer if he stops pulling the threads out.
"All right, I'll unpack a little more," Dr. Harmon says. "Now I know your karate teacher has taught you a lot about self-control and responsibility, because a martial artist turns his body into a weapon. You're doing the same with your mind." He tapped a finger against his head. "You wind up knowing some very sensitive things, Phil. If you aren't careful how you use that information, you're going to hurt people when you don't mean to, or more than you mean to."
"Yeah," Phil says. "I didn't intend it to go that far, but I've seen Patrick do so much awful stuff to people, I guess I lost track of how he could get hurt too."
"Well, sometimes when people go around making trouble, it builds up, like tinder on a forest floor, until one spark can start a wildfire. A response that seems all out of proportion to the incident at hand may in fact be perfectly logical considering everything that has come before it. That's why it's important to clean things up as you go along," Dr. Harmon says.
"What can I do about that?" Phil asks. "I don't really want to ... start forest fires."
"I recommend that you go back over your old karate philosophy exercises, and redo them for how you speak rather than how you hit," Dr. Harmon says.
"So that's my punishment?" Phil asks.
"No, that's your assignment," Dr. Harmon says. "We don't do punishments here, remember, because ...?"
"Punishment just hurts, it doesn't teach. People can't do better until they learn better," Phil says softly. "I fucked up, Dr. Harmon. I really, really fucked up this time. I know that."
"Then it's up to you to figure out what you need to do in order to make up for it as best you can, and make sure you don't repeat the same mistake," Dr. Harmon says.
So Phil does his homework, and he's appalled at how badly he has managed his mental offense and defense skills, just because he never looked at them quite the same way as his physical skills. He searches for a scale of appropriate use of force in verbal confrontations, but can't find anything. Instead he takes the time to sketch out a potential version.
The next thing Phil does is begin studying suicide. He feels certain that there must have been signs of Patrick having serious difficulties. Phil just missed them -- either because he didn't know what to look for, or he was only interested in avoiding the bully, or some combination. It's a lot easier to stop a pebble than a whole rockslide. So Phil learns the signs, and some common stress factors, and how to talk with a troubled person. He gets a training manual from a teen helpline so that he can study how to become a volunteer counselor.
Phil writes apologies to both Patrick and Burt. He doesn't visit Patrick in the hospital, because he knows the other boy hates him, but he does send along a copy of Pigskins on Pluto #7 that Patrick has been missing from his collection. Neither of the older boys responds, but that isn't the point.
Phil does the right thing because it's right, not because he expects anyone to praise him for it. This time, he's pretty sure that is what Captain America would do. But he can't help wondering if Captain America ever got someone almost killed.
* * *
Notes:
Good karate ethics will include virtues, not just fighting techniques. Some worksheets appear in this discussion of martial arts philosophy. Mental karate is a way to translate the principles of martial arts into other areas. A thoughtful sensei might also direct attention to social skills, a personal code of ethics, right and wrong chains of events, ethical dilemmas, and ethical decision-making. If you only teach people to hit each other, that's exactly what they'll do. A complete martial arts education also teaches when and why to fight -- and when and how not to.
A basic principle of positive discipline is that "discipline teaches, punishment hurts." Punishment has a lot of drawbacks. Discipline adapts to age, and includes more options, such as natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence of hurting someone is that you tend to feel bad about it; a logical consequence is doing extra work to figure out what you could have done better so it doesn't happen again. This is one of the places where Phil learns which techniques really influence behavior and which don't.
It's good to know some signs of suicidal behavior. However, there are deeper concerns about society and suicide, with regard to making sure people's lives are actually livable. If you just trap someone in a miserable situation because their death would make you feel bad, then you're not helping them, you're torturing them. Society has a responsibility to maintain its citizens in decent health and comfort, and to provide assistance in solving problems rather than merely condemning people for having problems.
Doing what's right is a fundamental aspect of ethics. Integrity means doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do, not because of anyone else's approval or disapproval. There are different principles and questions to help identify what's right. Role models also provide guidance, and there are ways to tell if you've chosen an ethical role model. Moral reasoning may be mapped along levels and stages; some people, like Steve Rogers and Phil Coulson, progress through them quite briskly and cap out the scale at an early age. Most people never get that far, and doing so is another sign of heroic character. There are tips on how to stop seeking approval and how to make ethical decisions.
[To be continued in Part 23 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Nick Fury
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Minor character death. Bullying. Fighting. Suicide attempt (minor character).
Summary: This is the story of how a little boy named Flip grows up to save the world a lot.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. Accidents. Emotional whump. Disability. Sibling relationship. Nonsexual love. Parentification. Manipulation. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Protection. Caregiving. Competence. Toys and games. Comic books. Fixing things. Martial arts. Gentleness. Trust. Role models. Military. BAMF Phil Coulson.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21. Skip to Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27.
"Little and Broken, but Still Good" Part 22
"I don't get it," Phil says. He picks at a loose thread on his pants. They're getting old. He needs a new pair, but there isn't a lot of money for clothes. His family isn't poor, they just have to be ... careful. Phil sits on his hand. The pants will last longer if he stops pulling the threads out.
"All right, I'll unpack a little more," Dr. Harmon says. "Now I know your karate teacher has taught you a lot about self-control and responsibility, because a martial artist turns his body into a weapon. You're doing the same with your mind." He tapped a finger against his head. "You wind up knowing some very sensitive things, Phil. If you aren't careful how you use that information, you're going to hurt people when you don't mean to, or more than you mean to."
"Yeah," Phil says. "I didn't intend it to go that far, but I've seen Patrick do so much awful stuff to people, I guess I lost track of how he could get hurt too."
"Well, sometimes when people go around making trouble, it builds up, like tinder on a forest floor, until one spark can start a wildfire. A response that seems all out of proportion to the incident at hand may in fact be perfectly logical considering everything that has come before it. That's why it's important to clean things up as you go along," Dr. Harmon says.
"What can I do about that?" Phil asks. "I don't really want to ... start forest fires."
"I recommend that you go back over your old karate philosophy exercises, and redo them for how you speak rather than how you hit," Dr. Harmon says.
"So that's my punishment?" Phil asks.
"No, that's your assignment," Dr. Harmon says. "We don't do punishments here, remember, because ...?"
"Punishment just hurts, it doesn't teach. People can't do better until they learn better," Phil says softly. "I fucked up, Dr. Harmon. I really, really fucked up this time. I know that."
"Then it's up to you to figure out what you need to do in order to make up for it as best you can, and make sure you don't repeat the same mistake," Dr. Harmon says.
So Phil does his homework, and he's appalled at how badly he has managed his mental offense and defense skills, just because he never looked at them quite the same way as his physical skills. He searches for a scale of appropriate use of force in verbal confrontations, but can't find anything. Instead he takes the time to sketch out a potential version.
The next thing Phil does is begin studying suicide. He feels certain that there must have been signs of Patrick having serious difficulties. Phil just missed them -- either because he didn't know what to look for, or he was only interested in avoiding the bully, or some combination. It's a lot easier to stop a pebble than a whole rockslide. So Phil learns the signs, and some common stress factors, and how to talk with a troubled person. He gets a training manual from a teen helpline so that he can study how to become a volunteer counselor.
Phil writes apologies to both Patrick and Burt. He doesn't visit Patrick in the hospital, because he knows the other boy hates him, but he does send along a copy of Pigskins on Pluto #7 that Patrick has been missing from his collection. Neither of the older boys responds, but that isn't the point.
Phil does the right thing because it's right, not because he expects anyone to praise him for it. This time, he's pretty sure that is what Captain America would do. But he can't help wondering if Captain America ever got someone almost killed.
* * *
Notes:
Good karate ethics will include virtues, not just fighting techniques. Some worksheets appear in this discussion of martial arts philosophy. Mental karate is a way to translate the principles of martial arts into other areas. A thoughtful sensei might also direct attention to social skills, a personal code of ethics, right and wrong chains of events, ethical dilemmas, and ethical decision-making. If you only teach people to hit each other, that's exactly what they'll do. A complete martial arts education also teaches when and why to fight -- and when and how not to.
A basic principle of positive discipline is that "discipline teaches, punishment hurts." Punishment has a lot of drawbacks. Discipline adapts to age, and includes more options, such as natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence of hurting someone is that you tend to feel bad about it; a logical consequence is doing extra work to figure out what you could have done better so it doesn't happen again. This is one of the places where Phil learns which techniques really influence behavior and which don't.
It's good to know some signs of suicidal behavior. However, there are deeper concerns about society and suicide, with regard to making sure people's lives are actually livable. If you just trap someone in a miserable situation because their death would make you feel bad, then you're not helping them, you're torturing them. Society has a responsibility to maintain its citizens in decent health and comfort, and to provide assistance in solving problems rather than merely condemning people for having problems.
Doing what's right is a fundamental aspect of ethics. Integrity means doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do, not because of anyone else's approval or disapproval. There are different principles and questions to help identify what's right. Role models also provide guidance, and there are ways to tell if you've chosen an ethical role model. Moral reasoning may be mapped along levels and stages; some people, like Steve Rogers and Phil Coulson, progress through them quite briskly and cap out the scale at an early age. Most people never get that far, and doing so is another sign of heroic character. There are tips on how to stop seeking approval and how to make ethical decisions.
[To be continued in Part 23 ...]
(no subject)
Date: 2014-07-21 06:20 am (UTC)Aww...
Date: 2014-07-21 06:28 am (UTC)This is why we need heroes.
Are you reading my mind?
Date: 2014-07-21 06:29 am (UTC)Phil is quite possibly overreaching, but who knows what skills he's ready to take on at fifteen or sixteen better than he does? I love that he's /trying/ so hard.
Re: Are you reading my mind?
Date: 2014-07-21 06:37 am (UTC)Well, we have been on the same wavelength for months. I'm pretty sure I remembered to tell you it was likely.
>> Phil doesn't quite have the /experience/ he needs, and this is the first time he's re-framed his 'people skills' as having the equivalent of "weapon of mass destruction" capabilities. <<
Sooth. That can be disconcerting when you realized you've been waving it around.
>> But the other thing I'd imagined was a definite, tangible apology element. <<
It's something almost never shown in canon, except for Tony's pathetic, earnest, hopelessly inept floundering with Pepper. Who is not moved by it. I'd like to see more of people making an honest effort to fix their mistakes -- even if, like here, it doesn't work out.
>> Phil is quite possibly overreaching, but who knows what skills he's ready to take on at fifteen or sixteen better than he does? I love that he's /trying/ so hard. <<
1) Phil has a pretty good grasp of his own abilities. If he finds the material too challenging for his current capacity, he'll set it aside to revisit later.
2) There really are teen crisis lines staffed by teenagers, so young people will have someone to talk with who understands them. Can you imagine a better person for that job than Phil? What, if any, skills is he missing that another teen might plausibly have?
Re: Are you reading my mind?
Date: 2014-07-21 02:32 pm (UTC)Re: Are you reading my mind?
Date: 2014-07-21 07:36 pm (UTC)Here is one example:
http://teenlineonline.org/about/volunteer/
Most seem to offer thorough training, and presumably adult backup in case the teen counselors get in over their heads.
Looking back at scenes in Thor and The Avengers ... I think Phil realized something was desperately wrong with Thor and Loki, and was trying simultaneously to do damage control on that while containing the larger incidents. It worked better with Thor than with Loki, but then Loki wasn't the decider in the latter case.
>> It makes brilliant sense, and I can /absolutely/ see Phil excelling at the job. <<
Yay!
>> Are there any centers like that locally for him, or is he working off information he or Dr. H. found? <<
Possibly not in his home town, but probably within driving distance. Some helplines also have a call-forwarding function so that you can work from home, once you complete the training.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-08-06 02:54 am (UTC)thanks for the resources you include in your AN's. You're like Dr. Harmon's file cabinet!
=D
Thank you!
Date: 2014-08-28 10:13 pm (UTC)Go for it. Those things can be very enlightening.
>> thanks for the resources you include in your AN's. You're like Dr. Harmon's file cabinet! <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
Mind is art
Date: 2014-09-05 02:13 am (UTC)After reading this chapter, I think I can summarize the "Love Is For Children" series as martial arts training for compassion. And you know what that makes you, Ysabet. Should I start calling you Sensei now, or later? ;)
Re: Mind is art
Date: 2014-09-08 05:27 am (UTC)Okay, that makes sense.
>> And you know what that makes you, Ysabet. Should I start calling you Sensei now, or later? ;) <<
0_o *boggle*
For some reason, that one is ringing up like "hero" does. Even if I look at the actions objectively, it feels weird to think of applying it to myself.
But I'm pretty sure this is one of those arguments I'd lose, so I won't quibble over it.
It's funny, the only title I feel fully comfortable with is Professor. That one fits me like a glove.
Re: Mind is art
Date: 2023-06-22 06:09 am (UTC)Re: Mind is art
Date: 2023-06-22 06:39 am (UTC)I know that Sensei literally means "teacher" but the connotations are so different. Americans don't have the same sense of reverence.