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ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk," and "kintsukuroi."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Nick Fury
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Minor character death. Bullying. Fighting. Suicide attempt (minor character).
Summary: This is the story of how a little boy named Flip grows up to save the world a lot.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. Accidents. Emotional whump. Disability. Sibling relationship. Nonsexual love. Parentification. Manipulation. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Protection. Caregiving. Competence. Toys and games. Comic books. Fixing things. Martial arts. Gentleness. Trust. Role models. Military. BAMF Phil Coulson.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2. Skip to Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8.
"Little and Broken, but Still Good" Part 3
One day after Flip finishes dust mopping the floor, he goes on to dust the furniture. It's not that much harder. He knows where to find the dust cloths and how to work the spray can of furniture polish. The can says Keep away from children but Flip knows better than to get it on his face. All his teachers say he is very smart for his age.
Flip sprays a little polish on the cloth. He wipes down the kitchen table and chairs. The golden wood gleams in the sun and the room smells like lemons, the way it used to.
"Flip, sweetie, you don't have to do all that," his mother says as she leans against the doorframe. "You're just a little boy. You should spend your time studying and playing."
"I want to help," Flip says, lifting his chin. "This is my family. You and Alexa are all I have left. We have to help each other. I know I'm only little and can't do much, but I want to do something. It's no fun playing by myself, especially if Alexa isn't feeling well and you're so tired from trying to do everything alone. We need each other."
Flip's mother hugs him tight. "Okay," she says. "We'll make a list of chores, and you can take on a few extra ones. You still have to keep up with your schoolwork, though, and I want you to get some playtime too. We can negotiate the details and see what works out. What kinds of things would you like to add?"
"I want to do next things," Flip says. He has a list in his head, and recites it carefully. "I already empty the dishwasher. I could probably load it. I fold the laundry. I could start washing it. I can make salad. I want to learn some real recipes, maybe something easy like cookies or scrambled eggs."
Mom raises her eyebrows. "Those are very good ideas. I'm proud of you, Flip, it sounds like you really put some thought into this."
"I don't want to mess up and just make things worse. I want to find things that I can really do to help," Flip says. "I know there's all kinds of stuff you're doing for Alexa that I can't, and the nurse comes to do the stuff that you can't. But if I do the easiest things, then you don't have to. You'll have more time for other things, and maybe you won't fall asleep on the couch so much."
"Okay, sweetie," Mom says. "I'm sure you'll be a big help."
Flip learns to do a few new chores. He also learns something amazing: when he helps other people, he doesn't feel quite so sad anymore. He feels useful again. He feels like he can make things just a little bit better. So he starts watching, all the time, for things to do and ways to take care of people.
The next thing he suggests, for playtime, is visiting the park on Saturday mornings. This gets everyone out of the house, encourages Alexa to try some of the simple playground equipment, and gives Flip a chance to play with other kids. It becomes a new family tradition.
Mom still falls asleep on the couch, but not as often. Flip doesn't mind. He covers her with the afghan and goes to start the laundry. The washing machine makes quiet sounds that are good for sleeping.
* * *
Notes:
With careful planning of the environment, children can do many things for themselves. Chores may be divided by child age to offer developmentally appropriate challenges. Understand that children may develop mental and physical skills faster in some areas and slower in others.
Uplifting scents such as lemon can help ease depression.
Children naturally want to help. However, they also require time to learn and play. There are ways to raise children who want to help others. Flip switches into this mode quickly, which suggests that his family already did things like this.
Cooking with kids is a natural part of family life, teaching an essential life skill. Know which kitchen tasks are appropriate for which age ranges. Peanut Butter Cookies and Scrambled Eggs are among the easiest recipes to learn.
Parentification can occur when a child takes on adult responsibilities, such as caring for an unwell family member. Most studies focus on the negative effects, such as loss of childhood; but there can be positive effects too, such as development of nurturing skills. Sometimes this kind of situation really breaks people. Other times, you get an adult who goes into caring professions -- a nurse, a teacher, or SHIELD's Mightiest Handler. Know how to heal the damage from parentification.
[To be continued in Part 4 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Nick Fury
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Minor character death. Bullying. Fighting. Suicide attempt (minor character).
Summary: This is the story of how a little boy named Flip grows up to save the world a lot.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. Accidents. Emotional whump. Disability. Sibling relationship. Nonsexual love. Parentification. Manipulation. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Protection. Caregiving. Competence. Toys and games. Comic books. Fixing things. Martial arts. Gentleness. Trust. Role models. Military. BAMF Phil Coulson.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2. Skip to Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8.
"Little and Broken, but Still Good" Part 3
One day after Flip finishes dust mopping the floor, he goes on to dust the furniture. It's not that much harder. He knows where to find the dust cloths and how to work the spray can of furniture polish. The can says Keep away from children but Flip knows better than to get it on his face. All his teachers say he is very smart for his age.
Flip sprays a little polish on the cloth. He wipes down the kitchen table and chairs. The golden wood gleams in the sun and the room smells like lemons, the way it used to.
"Flip, sweetie, you don't have to do all that," his mother says as she leans against the doorframe. "You're just a little boy. You should spend your time studying and playing."
"I want to help," Flip says, lifting his chin. "This is my family. You and Alexa are all I have left. We have to help each other. I know I'm only little and can't do much, but I want to do something. It's no fun playing by myself, especially if Alexa isn't feeling well and you're so tired from trying to do everything alone. We need each other."
Flip's mother hugs him tight. "Okay," she says. "We'll make a list of chores, and you can take on a few extra ones. You still have to keep up with your schoolwork, though, and I want you to get some playtime too. We can negotiate the details and see what works out. What kinds of things would you like to add?"
"I want to do next things," Flip says. He has a list in his head, and recites it carefully. "I already empty the dishwasher. I could probably load it. I fold the laundry. I could start washing it. I can make salad. I want to learn some real recipes, maybe something easy like cookies or scrambled eggs."
Mom raises her eyebrows. "Those are very good ideas. I'm proud of you, Flip, it sounds like you really put some thought into this."
"I don't want to mess up and just make things worse. I want to find things that I can really do to help," Flip says. "I know there's all kinds of stuff you're doing for Alexa that I can't, and the nurse comes to do the stuff that you can't. But if I do the easiest things, then you don't have to. You'll have more time for other things, and maybe you won't fall asleep on the couch so much."
"Okay, sweetie," Mom says. "I'm sure you'll be a big help."
Flip learns to do a few new chores. He also learns something amazing: when he helps other people, he doesn't feel quite so sad anymore. He feels useful again. He feels like he can make things just a little bit better. So he starts watching, all the time, for things to do and ways to take care of people.
The next thing he suggests, for playtime, is visiting the park on Saturday mornings. This gets everyone out of the house, encourages Alexa to try some of the simple playground equipment, and gives Flip a chance to play with other kids. It becomes a new family tradition.
Mom still falls asleep on the couch, but not as often. Flip doesn't mind. He covers her with the afghan and goes to start the laundry. The washing machine makes quiet sounds that are good for sleeping.
* * *
Notes:
With careful planning of the environment, children can do many things for themselves. Chores may be divided by child age to offer developmentally appropriate challenges. Understand that children may develop mental and physical skills faster in some areas and slower in others.
Uplifting scents such as lemon can help ease depression.
Children naturally want to help. However, they also require time to learn and play. There are ways to raise children who want to help others. Flip switches into this mode quickly, which suggests that his family already did things like this.
Cooking with kids is a natural part of family life, teaching an essential life skill. Know which kitchen tasks are appropriate for which age ranges. Peanut Butter Cookies and Scrambled Eggs are among the easiest recipes to learn.
Parentification can occur when a child takes on adult responsibilities, such as caring for an unwell family member. Most studies focus on the negative effects, such as loss of childhood; but there can be positive effects too, such as development of nurturing skills. Sometimes this kind of situation really breaks people. Other times, you get an adult who goes into caring professions -- a nurse, a teacher, or SHIELD's Mightiest Handler. Know how to heal the damage from parentification.
[To be continued in Part 4 ...]
(no subject)
Date: 2014-06-04 07:02 am (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2014-06-04 07:11 am (UTC)I was reading adult books at least by the time I was six, and capable of cooking a complete meal at ... maybe tenish? That was my 4H project one year. But I still suck at a lot of housework.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-09-03 02:22 am (UTC)Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-09-03 02:30 am (UTC)But thanks for trying.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-09-03 02:40 am (UTC)For me, what has worked has been cleaning up my spirit, which then causes me to prefer a cleaner living space and having better living habits in general. But I still focus on a few important things, like clean bedsheets so I feel good when I'm in bed, and a clean toilet and shower so I don't feel dirty after using them. Struggling with dishes, though, since I tend to only wash what I need due to stress pains.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-09-03 02:45 am (UTC)Attitude is all!
Date: 2014-06-04 01:14 pm (UTC)I met my best friend when we were twelve. Her parents had organized the kitchen from YEARS ago, putting the everyday dishes in the BASE cupboard next to the sink, including a single row of stacked glasses. Tupperware and mugs went into the cupboard over the sink, and the cupboard analogous to our "dish cupboard" was for Corningware oven/microwave dishes. Casserole dishes and the like.
Silverware in both cases were in the drawer to the left of the sink.
In her family, the kids began helping to set the table at around two. "You put the plates here, I'll do the silverware," and later the younger child got "plates" and "glasses" while the older was learning how to set out the European Simple Lunch setting. And they DID IT, easily and effortlessly as they tied their shoes, because they'd been HELPED to learn in an environment which encouraged their interaction.
Long, but it makes the same point Flip did: we're in this together, as a family. And I love him classifying the tasks as "next things". BRILLIANT!
Re: Attitude is all!
Date: 2014-06-06 05:39 am (UTC)Yes. I think if something needed correcting, she'd phrase it like, "Let's touch this up together."
>> A way to illustrate the differences between parenting styles is very simple: Where do you keep your everyday dishes? My family kept them in a high cupboard, next to the cupboard for mugs and glasses over the sink. <<
A lot of ours were high up, but there were always some I could reach -- in particular, plastic or sturdy ceramic was more accessible than more delicate glass.
The first science experiment I can remember was when I was about two. Mom was trying to teach me not to throw or drop things. I was still studying gravity and wanted to know what would happen if I threw a glass. So she got an old, chipped glass and let me throw it on the floor. It broke. She explained that we had to be careful with the dishes or they'd break and we wouldn't have any. That made perfect sense to me. Then we cleaned up the mess.
>> I met my best friend when we were twelve. Her parents had organized the kitchen from YEARS ago, putting the everyday dishes in the BASE cupboard next to the sink, including a single row of stacked glasses. <<
Clever.
>> In her family, the kids began helping to set the table at around two. "You put the plates here, I'll do the silverware," and later the younger child got "plates" and "glasses" while the older was learning how to set out the European Simple Lunch setting. <<
That's a good plan.
>> And they DID IT, easily and effortlessly as they tied their shoes, because they'd been HELPED to learn in an environment which encouraged their interaction. <<
Yes, exactly. Amish kids get that kind of education, and by the time they are 12-13 years old, they already know all the tasks needed to function as an adult in their community. If you teach kids to do things and gives them responsibilities, they build a meaningful life and are much less likely to get into trouble.
>> Long, but it makes the same point Flip did: we're in this together, as a family. <<
Sooth.
>> And I love him classifying the tasks as "next things". BRILLIANT! <<
Flip thinks organizationally. Some people just do that. There are kids who adore those sorting puzzles where you put shapes into holes.
Re: Attitude is all!
Date: 2017-01-02 06:12 pm (UTC)Re: Attitude is all!
Date: 2014-09-03 02:27 am (UTC)I wonder what my apartment would look like if I were organizing it for children instead of only myself?
Re: Attitude is all!
Date: 2014-09-15 12:29 am (UTC)I've learned, when buying things, to think: Where will I put this?
Still Good
Date: 2014-06-04 01:40 pm (UTC)I find it interesting that she often sleeps on the couch. I guess that must be a common grief coping mechanism. Dad and I camped out in the living room for over a week together after Mom died. He hated the idea of sleeping in their bed. Honestly, I think one of the main reasons he finally did go back is so that I would go back to my room. I didn't want to leave him alone in the living room. It was comforting to share sleeping space. I didn't realize that other people did it too. (slept in the living room while dealing with grief, I mean)
Sincerely,
Firstar28
Re: Still Good
Date: 2014-06-04 04:59 pm (UTC)Re: Still Good
Date: 2014-06-07 03:56 am (UTC)Re: Still Good
Date: 2014-06-06 05:51 am (UTC)Yay! That's what I'm aiming for.
>> I really like his mom. You can tell that he inherited a lot from her. <<
Heh. Yeah. You'll see more of this later in the story. His mother is awesome.
>> I find it interesting that she often sleeps on the couch. I guess that must be a common grief coping mechanism. <<
It can be, yes. I suspect that part may be subconscious for her. Another significant part is that she wears herself out, sits down "for a minute" to rest, and winds up falling asleep.
>> Dad and I camped out in the living room for over a week together after Mom died. He hated the idea of sleeping in their bed. Honestly, I think one of the main reasons he finally did go back is so that I would go back to my room. I didn't want to leave him alone in the living room. <<
Wow. Thank you for sharing.
>> It was comforting to share sleeping space. I didn't realize that other people did it too. (slept in the living room while dealing with grief, I mean) <<
Yes, it is comforting, and that's why many people do it. It's not a good idea to leave someone all alone when they are grieving. One way to support someone is to ask if they want company. You don't have to "do" anything, just be there.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-06-04 02:45 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2014-06-24 09:38 pm (UTC)Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-06-25 12:36 pm (UTC)I was thinking more along the lines of emotionally precocious. You make him believably so, not least because you make clear that there's a reasonable passage of time between each insight.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-06-25 05:27 pm (UTC)Okay, that makes sense.
>> You make him believably so, not least because you make clear that there's a reasonable passage of time between each insight. <<
I try to do that, yes, and show some of the learning process.
Ace-fan
Date: 2014-06-04 02:51 pm (UTC)It's also great how they're making new family traditions to cope with the changes. I like the concept of building good things out of the rubble of their shattered world. So very much better than struggling to get back to "before", which only leaves people more depressed.
Like others reading here, I really appreciate how you're showing the good sides of "parentification", while not ignoring the struggles. I think sometimes people are so concerned with "Letting children be children" that they forget that childhood is not a static thing. It's GROWTH and change, and a gradual increase in responsibility and agency. Coming to some of that faster than your peers can have bad effects, but ALSO good ones.
Particularly what I like about this story is how much emotion is shown, not told. If that makes sense. Basically, there's more in what Flip *does* and what he notices happening or not happening after the crash (showing what he prioritises). I find that draws me into the story more than just being told in detail a character's emotional response to everything.
Re: Ace-fan
Date: 2014-06-07 04:03 am (UTC)Yes, it is.
>> I really love how Flip thought through the things he could do to help, and especially that him mom LET him do the extra chores. <<
He has a very methodical mind, and Flip turns to chores because his mother has already taught him to help with housework, so it stands to reason she would allow him to expand that a little.
>> It's so much harder to see someone struggling with too much, but have all your efforts at assistance be rebuffed. <<
Too true.
>> It's also great how they're making new family traditions to cope with the changes. I like the concept of building good things out of the rubble of their shattered world. So very much better than struggling to get back to "before", which only leaves people more depressed. <<
Yes. Rebuilding is an essential life skill. Not everyone learns it. The fact that Flip got a lot of early practice in this will later help make Phil into SHIELD's Mightiest Handler.
>> Like others reading here, I really appreciate how you're showing the good sides of "parentification", while not ignoring the struggles. <<
I'm glad that works for you! The more I study this topic, and hear from my readers, the more unhappy I become about the unbalanced coverage online. Of course, a lot of things are first discovered because something has gone wrong. But I think we really need to examine how and why some people find parentification a useful thing, rather than a hurtful thing. The background situations happen a LOT so it would be very valuable to know how to handle those in positive rather than negative ways.
>> I think sometimes people are so concerned with "Letting children be children" that they forget that childhood is not a static thing. It's GROWTH and change, and a gradual increase in responsibility and agency. Coming to some of that faster than your peers can have bad effects, but ALSO good ones. <<
I agree. If children do not get increasing responsibility, then it doesn't develop properly and you wind up with teenagers or young adults who don't want to do anything. You can't stifle stuff and still have it work. You have got to let it develop when the drive turns on.
>> Particularly what I like about this story is how much emotion is shown, not told. If that makes sense. Basically, there's more in what Flip *does* and what he notices happening or not happening after the crash (showing what he prioritises). <<
Yes. At this age, Flip still feels more than he thinks, despite an innate tendency to live in his head. And Alexa is far more feeling than thinking now.
>> I find that draws me into the story more than just being told in detail a character's emotional response to everything. <<
Some of my characters and stories run far more to telling than others. Some are heavily showing because the characters just don't think about internal stuff in a conscious way very much.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-06-06 08:44 am (UTC)Aww...
Date: 2014-06-07 02:40 am (UTC)