ysabetwordsmith | Story: "Birthday Girl" (Part 7 of 18)

This story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," and "Coming Around."

Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse. Current environment is safe.
Summary: Doombots crash a beautiful spring day in the park. The Avengers clean up the mess. This includes Natasha's rather confused longing for something she never had: a birthday party.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. Friendship. Confusion. Hulk is a genius too. Fluff. Making up for lost time. Birthday. Cultural traditions. Games. Gifts. Cake. The cake is never a lie! Tickling. Trust issues. Safety and security. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Personal growth. Family of choice.

Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6. Skip to Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18.

"Birthday Girl" Part 7

Comfort food would help soothe everyone. Phil had actually studied that, years ago. He knew the emotional effects of something familiar, something with pleasant associations. He knew the physical effects of warm rich food, the link between scent and memory, the subtle touch of fat and sugar and nutrients. Eating chili was almost a ritual unto itself: filling the bowl, feeling the dry crackers crumble under his fingertips, pushing them carefully under the surface with the back of the spoon. He savored the first bite, deep meaty flavor with bright spices and the white prickle of salt. Phil smiled and sat back to watch the movie.

To no one's surprise, Steve and Bruce fell asleep before the end. Phil quietly fetched some blankets and tucked them in. Neither of the men stirred under his gentle touch. Phil was taking the dishes to the sink when Natasha came up behind him.

"I think about it sometimes," she said as if continuing a conversation they'd been having aloud all along. "I want it sometimes. What they have. A life as nobody, instead of Black Widow. A chance to be happy."

Phil turned around. Natasha was clinging to the doorframe, her face pale and pinched. Her eyes glimmered in the dimmed light. "I can't give you that, though I would if I could, if it's what you truly wanted," Phil said. "I hope that I can give you a chance to be Black Widow and be happy."

"Do you think it's terribly pathetic of me? I made mistakes today," said Natasha. A single tear spilled over to trickle down her cheek.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Natasha. You're not pathetic. You're human, and I prefer you that way," Phil said.

"Remember what I told you about the difference between the good guys and the bad guys? They fight because they like it. We fight because we care about people. Let's keep it that way."

"Yes, sir," she said softly.

"Besides, your cooperative skills have improved a great deal," Phil said. "Teamwork in general is better now. You're not working alone anymore. Yes, keeping track of other people will cost you a bit of reaction speed. It also means you can coordinate attacks for greater effect, and if something goes wrong, you have people to cover for you. That's what teammates are for."

Natasha nodded. "I was terrible at that when we first worked together," she said. "I had worked with a partner before, but it was always ... I had to think about it all the time."

"Now it comes more naturally," Phil observed. "That can be disconcerting until you get used to it."

"I don't want just any old day," Natasha said in an abrupt switchback of topic. "If I'm going to claim a birthday, I want it to mean something."

"Pick any meaningful day you want," Phil said. "The day you escaped from the Red Room? The anniversary of the Avengers forming?"

"How about the day I brought you in?" Clint said quietly, stepping into the kitchen with them. "That's coming up next week."

* * *

Notes:

Comfort food comprises a broad range of things that people eat when they're feeling down. The physical and chemical qualities of the food have a soothing effect. You can find recipes for comfort food online.

Natasha thinks of herself as abnormal and other people as normal. She believes that normal people are basically innocent of the violence that dominates her life, and are therefore happier. Comparisons wreck self-esteem. "Other people are happier than me" is one of the major misconceptions of life. There are steps for cultivating happiness. Even the idea of "normal" is debatable, and it's culturally subjective. It helps to accept yourself.

Making mistakes is a natural part of life. Unfortunately, people often blame themselves for things that aren't their fault, or blame themselves out of proportion to the nature of the mistake. Survivors of abuse are especially prone to this because abusers heap blame on their victims. Then the self-blame causes further problems. There are steps to self-acceptance and tips for dealing with mistakes.

Phil raises questions about why people become heroes or become villains, and what influences them to cross the line.

[To be continued in Part 8 ...]

Current Mood: busy

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From: (Anonymous)

This was quite the update for me. Although I love all of your updates, this is the first that has brought me back to happy memories with the mention of comfort food. Thank you for bringing me back to such a happy place :')

So glad that Natasha finally let Agent Coulson/Uncle Phil in on what was bothering her. Now they can finally help her get through it. Another amazing update, thanks!

--Siren

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>This was quite the update for me.<<

Yay!

>> Although I love all of your updates, this is the first that has brought me back to happy memories with the mention of comfort food. Thank you for bringing me back to such a happy place :') <<

That's the goal with this series, touching on happy memories of home and comfort. I often use sensory details to pull the audience in. I'm glad it worked for you.

There will be more comfort food in the future. We've seen the Avengers cooking before, but it has taken them a while to get their domestic act together. They're also still learning what each other's favorites are, and what will cheer up a particular person when they're feeling down.

>>So glad that Natasha finally let Agent Coulson/Uncle Phil in on what was bothering her. Now they can finally help her get through it.<<

Natasha can't work through her feelings quickly. She has to concentrate just to figure out what she is feeling because so much of her emotional self is simply numb from training and torture. And then once she identifies a feeling, she doesn't know what to do with it, because that wasn't part of her training.

Phil and Clint have been trying to make up for that, but it's taken Natasha a long time to be able to open up even with them. Some of what's happening now, with the team, is actually a result of groundwork that Phil and Clint been laying since she came to them. So this story is a big step forward for her, even though on the outside it's just a few days with a typical mission and a new birthday party. It's bigger on the inside.

>> Another amazing update, thanks! <<

*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service!

From:

pinkhairedharry

I really want to hug them all.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I'm glad that I've made them so appealing.

I think most of the Avengers are huggable at this point if approached properly. Natasha still has to resist the first thought of "approach --> KILL" so probably not a good idea.

From:

gingicat

Does Natasha not remember her birthdate, or does she feel that it would feel like an arbitrary date now?

Here's another comfort food recipes link:
http://goodeatsfanpage.com/GEFP/index.htm

Edited (Misspelling) Date: 2013-04-29 10:09 am (UTC)

From:

draggon_flye.livejournal.com

I doubt she remembers it or much of anything from her actual childhood. She was subjected to an intense program of brainwashing and depersonalization aimed at destroying any trace of her former self, which would include all her memories of the time before. I think that's partly why Natka is so reserved. She doesn't know how to be a child.

To me, it's encouraging that she wants to pick a significant date for her birthday. She's actively choosing to take those milestones back.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>I doubt she remembers it or much of anything from her actual childhood.<<

Natasha has a very little bit of memory from before the Red Room, but not much.

>> She was subjected to an intense program of brainwashing and depersonalization aimed at destroying any trace of her former self, which would include all her memories of the time before.<<

There are also pieces missing from later, some deliberate, others less so.

>> I think that's partly why Natka is so reserved. She doesn't know how to be a child. <<

Precisely. Natasha didn't have a chance to develop an emotional self. So what she has is rudimentary, liable to register subconsciously more than consciously, and difficult for her to interpret even if she does recognize it. She tends to be emotionally numb a lot and it's hard to get past that. She can feel basic emotions like fear, anger, sorrow, happiness, etc. but not as much or as often as ordinary people would.

Of course, the more Natasha spends time with other people and works on teambuilding exercises, the more stuff starts coming loose. Even with the overt controls broken, her personality was packed down so tight that it has taken a long time to start unfolding. Some of the things she's discovering now are lessons that most people encounter as small children. So that's awkward -- except for the fact that she's with a team most of whom also did not get ordinary chances early in life. Most of the stuff they're learning, they're learning together.

>>To me, it's encouraging that she wants to pick a significant date for her birthday. She's actively choosing to take those milestones back.<<

Yes, that's how I see it. Natasha is making good progress, even if it's a bumpy ride sometimes. She's actually starting to reach out, not just accept what's offered.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>Does Natasha not remember her birthdate, or does she feel that it would feel like an arbitrary date now?<<

She does not remember the date. The Red Room kidnapped her from her family very young, and tried to erase everything about her. So she has vague memories of being happy and having a family, a few individual fragments like the wedding cake, and the original kidnapping. And that's about it. Much of her early life is just a blank. That's another reason for her emotional numbness and confusion; she doesn't have much life experience to build on, outside of espionage work.

It's about on part with past-life memories, and that's pretty much how she views it -- another life, another person, someone she was once but is no more. Someone the Red Room killed to make way for Black Widow.

>>Here's another comfort food recipes link:
http://goodeatsfanpage.com/GEFP/index.htm<<

Cool! Thanks for sharing.

From:

pheylan

I am still really enjoying this series. I like how you present the problem and then have Phil and the team work it out.

Comfort food is one of those things that I can intellectually understand, but don't grok at all. I actually have the opposite problem - when I'm depressed or upset, the last thing I want is food. I wonder if it's because we had such a wide variety of food in our house as I was growing up (Texan/Puerto Rican and both parents were good cooks) that no specific taste reminds me of home.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>I am still really enjoying this series.<<

I'm happy to hear that.

>>I like how you present the problem and then have Phil and the team work it out.<<

That's a major pattern here. Everyone has past damage, and sometimes new challenges come up. They have to find a way to cope and recharge or they'd come apart at the seams.

>>Comfort food is one of those things that I can intellectually understand, but don't grok at all. I actually have the opposite problem - when I'm depressed or upset, the last thing I want is food.<<

I have less of a connection to comfort food than average, because my body is cranky in ways that make food not so comforting. But some things still connect for me. I'm very fond of hot chocolate or tea on a cold wet day, for instance.

From: (Anonymous)

I like Steve and Bruce falling asleep in the group, knowing that they are safe there -- as opposed to looking for a hidden closet because there is no one to trust.
Natasha is the sort who wants to think things over and then talk to Phil quietly, not emote in the larger group. At least she doesn't think its futile or useless to try to surround herself with missed experiences -- a birthday party with friends coming to celebrate especially with her.
Oh this is skeptic7 -- waves again at author.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>I like Steve and Bruce falling asleep in the group, knowing that they are safe there -- as opposed to looking for a hidden closet because there is no one to trust.<<

Steve is by far the most open of the Avengers. It's relatively easy for him to make friends and trust people. He can be very private about some things, but he's more inclined to ask for help or comfort than most of the others and also more inclined to want company when he feels low.

Bruce started out hiding in his lab or his own floor most of the time. He is gradually starting to open up and realize that these particular people don't want to hurt him and will in fact help if he doesn't beat them off with a stick. The more the other Avengers learn about how wrecked he used to be after a transformation, when even now it's still unpleasant, the worse they feel about his previous habit of crawling into a hole afterwards. He's not getting away with that again. While still grudging about accepting help for his own sake, he's fairly easy to manipulate for the sake of someone else.

I suspect Steve was killing two birds with one stone, wanting company for himself and wanting to coax Bruce into it too. Just because Steve was racked out on the couch this time, doesn't mean he quit looking after Bruce. I have to wonder if that'll happen again. It's working; Bruce has come far enough to relax in company, at least sometimes.

>>Natasha is the sort who wants to think things over and then talk to Phil quietly, not emote in the larger group.<<

Yes. She puts a lot of thought into what happens inside her head, because that's the only way for her to figure any of it out. She has very little tactile sense of what's happening. She doesn't like to make a scene and rarely wants to be noticed, so quiet conversations work for her.

Bruce tends to live in his head, but at least he's got Hulk to handle the feeling side of things, and some of that spills over. Bruce is invested, sometimes too much so, in remaining calm.

Tony thinks, because like Bruce he's very much of an intellectual -- but he usually doesn't think ahead with his emotions. There's almost no filter between thought and action for Tony. He lives out loud, slops emotions all over the place, so people forget that he can be very subtle and deceiving if he wants to be.

>> At least she doesn't think its futile or useless to try to surround herself with missed experiences -- a birthday party with friends coming to celebrate especially with her. <<

That's relatively new. Natasha is beginning to explore the gaps in her experience. She might not see the point, but she's learning that sometimes other people can explain or demonstrate it for her, and then she can get it. Which requires a tremendous amount of trust on her part, and that's a major theme once the party starts.

>>Oh this is skeptic7 -- waves again at author.<<

*happy wave* Thanks for signing the message so I know who you are. I'm pleased by how many folks are regular commenters on this story.

From:

antivol.livejournal.com

I really like that head on approach from Natasha. It proves how strong she really is, to be able to face these new feelings, aknowledge them, admit her fears and reach for what she feels she could have. She's not sure of anything but she's not afraid to try. I like that she's allowing herself to be a little more vulnerable, like she's taking back her life and feelings from what the Red Room tried to steal.
Loved this chapter, thanks for sharing!

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>I really like that head on approach from Natasha.<<

Outside of the spy stuff, she can actually be very direct. I think she didn't learn many of the social maneuvers that people usually do, and doesn't see much point in dancing around a topic. She'll hide things that she doesn't want to deal with -- but once she decides to deal, she tends to level like a bulldozer.

>>It proves how strong she really is, to be able to face these new feelings, acknowledge them, admit her fears and reach for what she feels she could have.<<

True. *ponder* I wonder if watch her is helping Bruce learn about the importance of facing things head-on and sorting through emotions rather than fobbing them off on someone else.

>>She's not sure of anything but she's not afraid to try.<<

Yes. It helps that Phil is patient enough to introduce new things one at a time, and not push her too fast.

>> I like that she's allowing herself to be a little more vulnerable, like she's taking back her life and feelings from what the Red Room tried to steal. <<

That's the core of the party sequence.

>>Loved this chapter, thanks for sharing!<<

Yay! That's good to hear.

From: (Anonymous)

I love that Clint made the suggestion I had in my head. Sort of a re-birth day.

-Wynjara

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I'm glad that matched up for you.

All of the Avengers have major before-and-after moments in their lives, so it seemed like something they could relate to.

From:

labelleizzy.livejournal.com

Agreed. Also that Clint can come up behind Natasha and not get eviscerated. :-)

And that HE remembered the day.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> Agreed. Also that Clint can come up behind Natasha and not get eviscerated. :-) <<

They trust each other in ways they don't trust anyone else. I think it's like considering the other person an extension of their own body in some regards. Always safe, always reliable.

You can see why they freaked out so deeply over what Loki did to Clint.

>> And that HE remembered the day. <<

None of them will ever forget that. It changed their lives.

From:

justarandomperson

Can I just say that I love how you put links and descriptions in an author's note at the bottom? It's really helpful information and I think it's amazing that you take the time to find so many links that may help someone who needs them.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Here you're getting the benefit of my dayjob experience -- I've written a ton of nonfiction on alternative spirituality, living in community, environmental issues, gender studies, all kinds of stuff. It usually doesn't take me long to find a few good links. Once in a while, though, there isn't much written on a topic or most of it sucks, so I have to dig harder. Then I figure, if it's a challenge even for me to find something usable, many folks wouldn't be able to do it at all. So I'll put the extra effort in if it's important.

I've got several projects that tend to have links, especially my poetic series set in historic cultures. With Love Is For Children, I started out with just a few, and people loved them, so it's a feature I've expanded based on audience interest. That's one of the cool things about doing different projects -- they develop their own audience and style.

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Story: "Birthday Girl" (Part 7 of 18)

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