Story: "Birthday Girl" (Part 13 of 18)

[ysabetwordsmith]

This story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," and "Coming Around."

Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse. Current environment is safe.
Summary: Doombots crash a beautiful spring day in the park. The Avengers clean up the mess. This includes Natasha's rather confused longing for something she never had: a birthday party.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. Friendship. Confusion. Hulk is a genius too. Fluff. Making up for lost time. Birthday. Cultural traditions. Games. Gifts. Cake. The cake is never a lie! Tickling. Trust issues. Safety and security. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Personal growth. Family of choice.

Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12.  Skip to Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18.


"Birthday Girl" Part 13


Phil silently noticed that, although she passed close to them, Natka never pounced at Tony or Bruce. She only grabbed for Steve, Clint, and Betty who had no negative associations with her approaching them.

In the end, Natka caught Betty. The game then reset with Betty as the cat. They played until everyone had a chance to be the cat, although it took even Steve quite a long time to catch Natka and conclude the last round.

Far more startling was that, when Steve did catch her, he flickered his fingers over her ribs -- and she laughed.

"What did you do to me?" Natka demanded as she sprang away, almost tripping over her floppy shoes.

"I just tickled you," Steve said, his eyes wide. "Should I not? Some people used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe. So I won't do it if you don't like it. That would be mean. But Bucky was always gentle with me and then it was fun. Does it bother you?"

"Does it bother -- you can't tickle me because I am not ticklish!" Natka said. "That was trained out of me years ago."

Phil knew that was true. Spies learned to master their bodies, even down to things that were typically reflexive, such as blushes and tickles. What is going on here? Phil wondered.

"Well ... I thought I tickled you," Steve said dubiously. "At least, you laughed when I tried. Did you do that just to humor me?"

She shook her head, red curls flying. "No, it felt, I don't know how it felt. I just had to laugh."

"That's tickling," Steve said.

"But how?" Natka asked. She sounded completely lost.

Steve reached out, slowly so she could move away if she chose. She did not move. Natka let him trail a fingertip down the underside of her arm. She giggled. "Like that," Steve said.

The tension had gone out of her slender body. I wonder ... Phil mused as he watched Natka and Steve together. If she feels altogether safe, if she trusts him with her entire body, that might just make it possible for him to slip past the conditioning. That had all kinds of potential, because there were layers of it that nobody had managed to break before; not controls, but things that she was simply unable to allow herself or anyone else to do.

"Natka," Phil said gently, "do you trust Steve?"

"Of course," she said. Without hesitation. Without thought.

"There you have it," Phil said. "I think that Steve touches something in you that no one else has yet. You let your guard down enough that he can tickle you."

"Oh," Natka said in a wondering tone. "Oh, he broke through ..." She turned to Steve. "Try again? Somewhere new?"

"Sure," Steve said. He curled a finger under the soft hollow of her jaw, moved just so, and --

-- laughter, high and carefree as a child.

It was an unexpected discovery, all the more precious for its novelty. Phil watched them play until Natka collapsed, breathless, onto the carpet. Steve stretched out beside her, his breathing slow and even, her hand falling into his grasp. The other "little ones" gathered around, poking and teasing at each other. They told stories about tickling people or being tickled. Gradually they all calmed down again.

* * *

Notes:

Trust issues can complicate any relationship, not just romantic ones. In this case, Natka has difficulty with body-trust because of her history with the Red Room. Steve does exactly the right thing by talking through what just happened and gently coaxing her to try something new. There are tips for building trust in general.

Tickling is a peculiar social and physiological reaction that is not fully understood. It figures into interactions among all the great apes. Meditation and other techniques are sometimes used to stop being ticklish, which some people can achieve and others can't. In order to be tickled, the brain must be able to distinguish between playfulness and a real attack. Therefore, being ticklish at a certain person's hands can be a sign of body-trust.  Some people enjoy it; some hate it; and some are ambivalent, alternating based on context.  Done wrong, tickling can be abusive.  There are instructions to explore tickling as a positive interaction. Tickling is a good way to practice trust and boundaries. There are tickle games that many people enjoy playing.


[To be continued in Part 14 ... ]

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Awww Natka trusts Steve enough to be tickled...this just melted me completely :) so good to hear her red room training is being undone slowly but surely in all the right places

ITS SO FLUFFY!!! :D (couldn't resist I love these updates thank you) <3

[(Anonymous)]

--Siren

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Awww Natka trusts Steve enough to be tickled...this just melted me completely :) <<

Yay! I'm glad it worked for you.

>> so good to hear her red room training is being undone slowly but surely in all the right places <<

Yes. SHIELD could break the remnants of the control conditioning but not the personality sculpting. It just takes longer to reshape beliefs and thought patterns. So while she could learn not to hit every person who touched her, it remained a matter of endurance rather than enjoyment. Actually responding in a more typical human manner has taken much longer to start happening.

>> ITS SO FLUFFY!!! :D (couldn't resist I love these updates thank you) <3 <<

Light and fluffy, with a chewy center. ;)

[sherza]

Yeah, this is me wishing I could shut off my most ticklish spot. It gets *annoying*. That said, the idea that people CAN do that boggles my mind ... and makes me want to cry just a little bit, because holy fucking shit.

Yeah, really wanting to kick the Red Room's ass right now. Brb. *cuddles Nat, then runs like hell*

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Yeah, this is me wishing I could shut off my most ticklish spot. It gets *annoying*. <<

I can to some extent, and for exactly the same reasons as described in the notes: if it's an attack, my reflexes shift. But I usually get to the point of pulling away or hitting the assailant before the ticklishness dies off completely.

>>That said, the idea that people CAN do that boggles my mind ... and makes me want to cry just a little bit, because holy fucking shit.<<

Yeah, I figure that the training to shut down or control reflexive things like tickling and blushing would have been among the most dire. And once you've messed with that stuff, it really doesn't want to go back to regular mode.

>>Yeah, really wanting to kick the Red Room's ass right now. Brb.<<

I'm glad that I've managed to create that much enmity for offscreen villains!

>> *cuddles Nat, then runs like hell* <<

And here you were boggling at me over Wolverine. I'd rather not get too close to Natasha. Hot to look at, but so is a fire.

Re: Thoughts

[sherza]

>>I'm glad that I've managed to create that much enmity for offscreen villains!<<

Heh, it's not all your doing, though you've expanded a few points that I didn't think of. It's the bad side of having a vivid imagination, because as vague as the comics, cartoons, etc are about what Natasha (and Wolverine) went through at the hands of their tormentors, my brain fills in the blanks with some really horrible stuff, because if someone is willing to (in Wolverine's case) put metal on someone's bones ... there really isn't anything they *won't* do. And the implications of that just ... sort of make me want to shoot the assholes in the face.

>>And here you were boggling at me over Wolverine. I'd rather not get too close to Natasha. Hot to look at, but so is a fire.<<

Power of association. I don't HAVE any negative associations with kick-ass, aggressive women like Natasha, so I wouldn't be as leery of her. Respectful as hell of her ability to kick my ass without even trying (hence running like hell after hugging), but not actually leery/afraid. Whereas with Wolverine ... even knowing he's a good guy (one of the best good guys, really) ... that temper of his, and his very dominant personality would have me keeping well clear of him.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Heh, it's not all your doing, though you've expanded a few points that I didn't think of. <<

That's one of the things I enjoy, digging into subtle implications.

>> It's the bad side of having a vivid imagination, because as vague as the comics, cartoons, etc are about what Natasha (and Wolverine) went through at the hands of their tormentors, my brain fills in the blanks with some really horrible stuff, because if someone is willing to (in Wolverine's case) put metal on someone's bones ... there really isn't anything they *won't* do.<<

True. Of course, in my case, I've also read a great deal of history and other topics that have filled me in on how far people have gone. Let's say it tends to bounce me out of carelessly written horror, torture, or hell scenes because I wind up thinking, "I've read worse."

>> And the implications of that just ... sort of make me want to shoot the assholes in the face. <<

I'll have to think about opportunities to hurt more bad guys. I've gone light on that in this series because it's not really the core focus, but using it as occasional stress-relief is still an option.

>>Power of association.<<

Fair enough.

[gingicat]

Wow, I forgot how much I hate tickling till I read this. Good on Steve for remembering (belatedly) to check that it was consensual.

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Wow, I forgot how much I hate tickling till I read this.<<

It does vary; some people like it while others hate it.

>> Good on Steve for remembering (belatedly) to check that it was consensual. <<

I don't think it has occurred to Steve that tickling could be perceived as an attack by some people, unto itself. This is a case of lived experience, where his rule for polite tickling is based on stopping if asked.

[antivol.livejournal.com]

Very interesting, I didn't know you could be trained to not feel tickled, but it makes sense. Love Steve for checking that Natasha is okay with it and not forcing it on her - it's not always as funny as some people think it is. It's awesome that Natasha is now able to switch off her mental shield (that she wasn't aware she had!) with Steve and people she trusts. Great chapter, thanks!

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Very interesting, I didn't know you could be trained to not feel tickled, but it makes sense.<<

It's possible but not common. Probably more people attempt it than succeed.

>> Love Steve for checking that Natasha is okay with it and not forcing it on her - it's not always as funny as some people think it is. <<

Agreed, tickling can be an attack. The interesting thing about Natasha? If she perceived it as an attack, it wouldn't work. She can only be tickled by someone she trusts, and only so far as it feels safe to her instincts.

>>It's awesome that Natasha is now able to switch off her mental shield (that she wasn't aware she had!) with Steve and people she trusts. Great chapter, thanks!<<

That shield is probably still functioning at a subconscious level of control, rather than conscious -- although with practice she might be able to control it on purpose. But that would require her to think about it in a lot more detail, and I wouldn't be surprised to see her quietly freak out over how much trust she really has developed now.

[(Anonymous)]

So, I started reading this on AO3, and just now caught up. You are amazing. Aside from the pure adorable, which I do love, you have made me cry more times than I can count. You have a way of hitting my trigger spots in good ways, if that makes any sense. So I get reduced to a trembling ball of nerves, but it helps. As someone who dissociated at a very early age (more schizophrenia than DID) I find Bruce and Hulk's story particularly touching, and, like everything else in these stories, very well done. Thank you so much.
GwaithGweneth

You're welcome!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>So, I started reading this on AO3, and just now caught up. You are amazing.<<

Yay! That's good to hear.

>> Aside from the pure adorable, which I do love, you have made me cry more times than I can count. You have a way of hitting my trigger spots in good ways, if that makes any sense. So I get reduced to a trembling ball of nerves, but it helps. <<

I'm glad I could help, then. This series seems to have a cathartic effect for some people, soothing for others.

>> As someone who dissociated at a very early age (more schizophrenia than DID) I find Bruce and Hulk's story particularly touching, and, like everything else in these stories, very well done. Thank you so much. <<

I really appreciate the feedback from someone with relevant experience. It's very helpful to hear that I'm portraying things in a plausible manner. There will be more about Bruce-and-Hulk in future stories; I want to continue exploring their multiplicity.

[kitty11chan.livejournal.com]

Note: do not tickle people with tactile defensiveness; we tend to find it extremely unpleasant & usually try to attack the person as a result. *winces* It took forever for certain family members to get that.

Just so you know, I just read through all of this because I lost patience in waiting for you to upload the rest on AO3.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Note: do not tickle people with tactile defensiveness; we tend to find it extremely unpleasant & usually try to attack the person as a result.<<

True.

Natka's defenses are beginning to shift as she gets to where she can actually trust people, not just rely on them. Some of the other team members have various flavors of psychological touch aversion, and none of them are really safe to sneak up on.

I think Steve is good enough at reading body language that he wouldn't intrude where unwelcome. And he can definitely take "stop" for an answer.

>> *winces* It took forever for certain family members to get that. <<

Some people are severely clue-impaired. :/

>>Just so you know, I just read through all of this because I lost patience in waiting for you to upload the rest on AO3.<<

Yay! I'm glad you're enjoying the series so much. There will be more.

[thnidu]

Adorable!

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm glad you liked it.

Barks

[draggon_flye.livejournal.com]

I, like everyone else, love that Natka can trust Steve enough to be tickled. It definitely has something to do with trust, but I think there's another layer too. She is Natka here, not Natasha. Yes, they are both her, but in many ways they are distinctly different aspects of her identity. Natka is younger and far more innocent. In some ways, she is the aspect of Natasha's personality that pre-dates the Red Room and all her spy training. As such Natka can access things that Natasha, as the adult, no longer can. They are neither as separate nor distinct as Bruce-and-Hulk, but there is still an element of difference there, just as Tony Carter is different from Tony Stark and Flip is different from Phil.

Re: Barks

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>I, like everyone else, love that Natka can trust Steve enough to be tickled. <<

Yay! I'm glad this worked out so well.

>>It definitely has something to do with trust, but I think there's another layer too. She is Natka here, not Natasha. <<

A very astute observation.

>> Yes, they are both her, but in many ways they are distinctly different aspects of her identity. Natka is younger and far more innocent. In some ways, she is the aspect of Natasha's personality that pre-dates the Red Room and all her spy training. As such Natka can access things that Natasha, as the adult, no longer can.<<

That's true. Natasha is very good at compartmentalizing different identities; it's part of her job as a spy. It's also part of what keeps her even functionally sane. *ponder* And it really, really complicates her relationship with her teammates -- especially Tony and Bruce-and-Hulk. There's a lot of dissociation going on there. But it also means that the hidden parts of Natasha can find a way out through Natka.

>> They are neither as separate nor distinct as Bruce-and-Hulk, but there is still an element of difference there, just as Tony Carter is different from Tony Stark and Flip is different from Phil. <<

Yes, exactly. I try very hard to write the characters as different in their adult and child modes, yet still recognizable as the same person.

It makes me wonder, a little, who else might be able to tickle Natka. Uncle Phil could, I think, but that's likely it at this stage. Clint and Tony are too much the pranksters; Bruce-and-Hulk are gaining ground but not fully trusted yet; Betty is too new.

I suspect that Natasha as an adult isn't ticklish yet, but might be able to get there now that she has an idea of what it feels like. It's something that she and Steve might work on together, if it occurs to them as a private teambuilding activity.

[(Anonymous)]

This is skeptic7. I love this chapter, they are all so careful with each other. Natya doesn't bounce on those who might be afraid of the Black Widow, and Steve tickles once gently and then checks to see how Natya reacts. Its so heart warming that STeve remembers when tickles could be an attack and not fun.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>This is skeptic7. I love this chapter, they are all so careful with each other.<<

Yay! I'm glad this worked for you.

>> Natya doesn't bounce on those who might be afraid of the Black Widow, <<

I think Natasha doesn't always remember that, but Natka does. It's a slow learning process.

>>and Steve tickles once gently and then checks to see how Natya reacts. Its so heart warming that STeve remembers when tickles could be an attack and not fun.<<

Yes. Steve's experience with tickling colors how he approaches other people. He doesn't think of it inherently as an attack, as some people do; he thinks of it as something fun that only becomes a problem if someone doesn't stop when asked. So that's why he tickles first, and then pulls back when Natka reacts strangely. She doesn't even have to tell him to stop -- he's watching her reaction closely enough to notice immediately that something's off and try to figure out what.

Re: Tickling

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

When I was little, my dad pulled me and my sibs into a tickle fight... But he wouldn't stop when I said no, stop, and when I crawled away to get a rest, he dragged me back in.

That one episode killed my tickle reflex for *decades*. Tickling, it's a huge trust thing for me too. I guess I'm realizing now that I really didn't get touched enough as a child and adolescent, and gentle touch was even more rare. I'm forever grateful for my first boyfriend, who did understand, and employ, copious amounts of kind, gentle, loving touch.

Time for me to find more gentle touch in my life, even with Spousetacular being a cuddle bug like he is, it's not enough.

Re: Tickling

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> When I was little, my dad pulled me and my sibs into a tickle fight... But he wouldn't stop when I said no, stop, and when I crawled away to get a rest, he dragged me back in. <<

That is one of the commonest and subtlest forms of abuse. People often don't recognize it as such. But it trains children that other people can do things to their bodies without their permission, and it doesn't matter if they say no. They're often told they like it, if they were laughing, and then that undermines their trust in their own feelings. Which is just a filthy thing to do all around.

Bruce has this issue. It's why he warns people not to tickle him, because he kicks out against it.

>> That one episode killed my tickle reflex for *decades*. <<

That's really sad.

>> Tickling, it's a huge trust thing for me too. <<

Yeah, that tends to happen if people are abused that way.

>> I guess I'm realizing now that I really didn't get touched enough as a child and adolescent, and gentle touch was even more rare. <<

How awful. That can leave people starving for healthy touch.

>> I'm forever grateful for my first boyfriend, who did understand, and employ, copious amounts of kind, gentle, loving touch. <<

That's good to hear.

>> Time for me to find more gentle touch in my life, even with Spousetacular being a cuddle bug like he is, it's not enough. <<

I recommend The Cuddle Sutra. Another good option is basic massage. I also wrote an exploration of nonsexual intimacies that you might find useful.

[(Anonymous)]

I actually have trained myself not to be ticklish, at least to certain people. Some people mean well, but can't tickle at all. So, I know it can be done. I also know that getting tickled by the right person/people, those who are good at it, can be delightful.

Helga

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>I actually have trained myself not to be ticklish, at least to certain people. Some people mean well, but can't tickle at all. So, I know it can be done. <<

It's really useful to have someone chime in with that experience.

>>I also know that getting tickled by the right person/people, those who are good at it, can be delightful. <<

Also true.