Story: "Coming Around" (Part 13 of 14)
Apr. 21st, 2013 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," and "Splash."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Bruce Banner, Hulk.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child/domestic abuse. Current environment is safe.
Summary: Phil shows Bruce the cute pictures of the team helping Hulk clean up after the bilgesnipe fight. Bruce finds the whole idea more confusing than pleasing.
Notes: Teamwork. Friendship. Flangst. Hurt/comfort. Dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Trust issues. Safety and security. ALL THE FEELS. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Personal growth. Family of choice.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12.
"Coming Around" Part 13
"Well, I disagree," Phil said. "I refuse to abandon you when you don't feel well. You know how Clint and Natasha say I fuss over them too. I take my responsibility for my assets very seriously."
"You do fuss over Clint and Natasha. I'm amazed they let you live to tell the tale," Bruce said. Phil wasn't surprised by that comparison. Like Bruce, Clint and Natasha had mostly negative experiences with human contact. They associated being vulnerable with being hurt, not being taken care of, by the other people in their lives.
"As their handler, I'm entitled to take a few liberties they wouldn't ordinarily allow," Phil said. That had required a great deal of patience and coaxing before it got anywhere at all. They'd made considerable progress, though, and game night helped even more. Phil would get through to Bruce too. The scientist just needed someone to teach him how to be as gentle with himselves as with others.
"Lucky you," Bruce said. He rolled his head in slow motion, then his shoulders, attempting to stretch out a cramp somewhere. Bruce tried so desperately to do the right things, and that took a toll on him. Phil disliked seeing him in pain. Bruce could be so skittish, though. When offering comfort, it was best to ease into it, starting with light peripheral touches and then moving inward. Bruce had stopped trying brush Phil's fingers off his hands and arms, so he might be ready to accept further contact. Bruce shifted in bed, seeking a more comfortable position.
"You're more tense than you're letting on, aren't you," Phil murmured. Bruce was probably more tired, too; the miserable discussion had worn him out. He needed something sweeter to take his mind off it. Phil slipped a hand behind Bruce's neck. "Here, lie back, let me see what I can do."
Phil remembered what Betty had said previously about Bruce's tendency to store tension just above his shoulderblades. It correlated with resistance and with the weight of responsibility. Phil pressed thumb and fingers carefully against the taut muscles. Sure enough, Bruce melted into his touch with a soft whimper of relief. The skin hunger was almost as strong for Bruce as it was for Hulk and for Clint; he was just wary of contact and shy about pursuing his own needs. Once Bruce gave in, though, he tended to surrender himself to the experience. Phil settled him tenderly into the deep pile of feather pillows.
"S'nice," Bruce said, his voice blurring. "Better'n before ... oh, there ..."
"That's good," Phil said. Under his hands the tension gradually uncoiled, muscles starting to relax. "You go right ahead and enjoy yourself." Every time Bruce gave in to the coaxing and let himself be coddled even a little bit, Phil tried to make it as pleasant as possible for him. It would take time to establish new, positive associations. The conditioning worked, though, and Phil would make the time for it. Bruce deserved that consideration, even if he didn't believe it.
* * *
Notes:
Being vulnerable is a natural part of life and an important aspect of intimacy. Abuse complicates this by associating vulnerability with abandonment and harm. It is difficult to rebuild trust after an abusive relationship. Survivors need to work through their trust issues. Pay attention to the scale of trust. There are tips for learning to trust after abuse and tips on strengthening trust.
It's important to be gentle with yourself. Some people are far more compassionate toward others than toward themselves. Fortunately there are ways to be gentle with yourself. This is especially vital in dealing with your own pain or other setbacks.
Emotional stress can cause physical problems. People tend to store emotions in particular places. Consider where tension collects in the body. Seek ways to release the stored tension.
Skin hunger is a need for positive touch. Some people feel it more strongly than others. Some are more comfortable asking for the skin contact they need. Pay attention to what people need, not just what they say.
Notice that Phil uses positive reinforcement almost exclusively: a subtle pattern of following desired behavior with something pleasant. This works well with children. It also works for abused pets, or any other creature for whom harsh punishment has created many negative associations.
EDIT 4/21/13: Antivol recommends the article "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." It's an excellent example of conditioning as an animal training technique applied to human relationships.
[To be concluded in Part 14 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Bruce Banner, Hulk.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child/domestic abuse. Current environment is safe.
Summary: Phil shows Bruce the cute pictures of the team helping Hulk clean up after the bilgesnipe fight. Bruce finds the whole idea more confusing than pleasing.
Notes: Teamwork. Friendship. Flangst. Hurt/comfort. Dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Trust issues. Safety and security. ALL THE FEELS. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Personal growth. Family of choice.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12.
"Coming Around" Part 13
"Well, I disagree," Phil said. "I refuse to abandon you when you don't feel well. You know how Clint and Natasha say I fuss over them too. I take my responsibility for my assets very seriously."
"You do fuss over Clint and Natasha. I'm amazed they let you live to tell the tale," Bruce said. Phil wasn't surprised by that comparison. Like Bruce, Clint and Natasha had mostly negative experiences with human contact. They associated being vulnerable with being hurt, not being taken care of, by the other people in their lives.
"As their handler, I'm entitled to take a few liberties they wouldn't ordinarily allow," Phil said. That had required a great deal of patience and coaxing before it got anywhere at all. They'd made considerable progress, though, and game night helped even more. Phil would get through to Bruce too. The scientist just needed someone to teach him how to be as gentle with himselves as with others.
"Lucky you," Bruce said. He rolled his head in slow motion, then his shoulders, attempting to stretch out a cramp somewhere. Bruce tried so desperately to do the right things, and that took a toll on him. Phil disliked seeing him in pain. Bruce could be so skittish, though. When offering comfort, it was best to ease into it, starting with light peripheral touches and then moving inward. Bruce had stopped trying brush Phil's fingers off his hands and arms, so he might be ready to accept further contact. Bruce shifted in bed, seeking a more comfortable position.
"You're more tense than you're letting on, aren't you," Phil murmured. Bruce was probably more tired, too; the miserable discussion had worn him out. He needed something sweeter to take his mind off it. Phil slipped a hand behind Bruce's neck. "Here, lie back, let me see what I can do."
Phil remembered what Betty had said previously about Bruce's tendency to store tension just above his shoulderblades. It correlated with resistance and with the weight of responsibility. Phil pressed thumb and fingers carefully against the taut muscles. Sure enough, Bruce melted into his touch with a soft whimper of relief. The skin hunger was almost as strong for Bruce as it was for Hulk and for Clint; he was just wary of contact and shy about pursuing his own needs. Once Bruce gave in, though, he tended to surrender himself to the experience. Phil settled him tenderly into the deep pile of feather pillows.
"S'nice," Bruce said, his voice blurring. "Better'n before ... oh, there ..."
"That's good," Phil said. Under his hands the tension gradually uncoiled, muscles starting to relax. "You go right ahead and enjoy yourself." Every time Bruce gave in to the coaxing and let himself be coddled even a little bit, Phil tried to make it as pleasant as possible for him. It would take time to establish new, positive associations. The conditioning worked, though, and Phil would make the time for it. Bruce deserved that consideration, even if he didn't believe it.
* * *
Notes:
Being vulnerable is a natural part of life and an important aspect of intimacy. Abuse complicates this by associating vulnerability with abandonment and harm. It is difficult to rebuild trust after an abusive relationship. Survivors need to work through their trust issues. Pay attention to the scale of trust. There are tips for learning to trust after abuse and tips on strengthening trust.
It's important to be gentle with yourself. Some people are far more compassionate toward others than toward themselves. Fortunately there are ways to be gentle with yourself. This is especially vital in dealing with your own pain or other setbacks.
Emotional stress can cause physical problems. People tend to store emotions in particular places. Consider where tension collects in the body. Seek ways to release the stored tension.
Skin hunger is a need for positive touch. Some people feel it more strongly than others. Some are more comfortable asking for the skin contact they need. Pay attention to what people need, not just what they say.
Notice that Phil uses positive reinforcement almost exclusively: a subtle pattern of following desired behavior with something pleasant. This works well with children. It also works for abused pets, or any other creature for whom harsh punishment has created many negative associations.
EDIT 4/21/13: Antivol recommends the article "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." It's an excellent example of conditioning as an animal training technique applied to human relationships.
[To be concluded in Part 14 ...]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 06:08 am (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-04-21 06:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 06:58 am (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-04-21 09:39 pm (UTC)True in the beginning, but he's also teaching them how to do that with each other. Compare how they ripped into each other during The Avengers and how they interact now; they are much more accepting of their teammates. The real challenge most of them have is with self-acceptance, and in some cases, expressing themselves.
>> I've grown so attached to his character, I just look to him for when they need help and have no doubt he'll do the right thing. <<
Yay! I'm glad that Phil is so appealing. I try to write him as a good role model here.
>> Thank you for developing his character like this and for the update :) <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of assistance!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 12:02 pm (UTC)Thoughts
Date: 2013-04-22 03:34 am (UTC)It is a lot of weight, but he's not carrying it alone. Phil has the team to look after him in return, as demonstrated in "Turnabout Is Fair Play." He also has Betty growing into a pretty good handler. Even JARVIS helps take care of Phil and reminds him to take care of himself.
I will try to catch more of the moments when other people do things for Phil, though. That's worth keeping an eye on. Thanks for the catch.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 04:06 pm (UTC)It's just one of my many problems but I just want you to know that these stories are helping me a lot and I will come back to them and your links as I'm ready to work on things. It almost feels like a fictional guide to overcoming your past. Thank you so much for sharing.
-Mariposaluna
+1
Date: 2013-04-21 06:02 pm (UTC)Re: +1
Date: 2013-04-22 08:06 am (UTC)Thoughts
Date: 2013-04-22 05:53 am (UTC)I'm glad to hear that! I like writing things that are helpful as well as enjoyable. This series seems to touch people in that way.
>> I'm finally commenting because your link above on "ways to release" really gave me some food for thought. <<
Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback.
>> I've been practicing yoga on and off, from videos, for years and I really like it. However, I've never been able to keep up with it. Between what you've posted in your stories before and that link I can now see what the problem is. Yoga makes me very happy and its hard for me to accept being happy. <<
That can happen, yes. First there's the general challenge of dealing with emotions you aren't accustomed to; happiness can feel confusing, threatening, or treacherous if you're not used to it. Second there's the added challenge of unfamiliar energy, because yoga strengthens the body's energy along with the muscles. If you're not expecting that, it can be very disorienting and feel like you're spinning out of control. So it's a good idea to take things slowly.
There are grounding mudras that might help, and the acceptance mudra is good for creating a receptive state.
>>Now that I see some link, physically & emotionally, I think I can start to work through it and start up again.<<
That's good to hear!
An effective approach is to seek out your boundaries. Go right up to the edge of where you feel comfortable. Take one step further. Then pull back into your comfort zone and relax. Over time, that makes the boundary expand outward, slowly and safely. The risk of overloading yourself is a lot lower than if you try to do too much all at once.
>> It's just one of my many problems but I just want you to know that these stories are helping me a lot and I will come back to them and your links as I'm ready to work on things. <<
I am so happy to hear that! I love hearing when something I've written has helped people.
>> It almost feels like a fictional guide to overcoming your past. Thank you so much for sharing. <<
You are most welcome. And yes, this series is meant for that.
It's not the first nor the last thing I've written along those lines. If you like the fluffy family side of it, you might also enjoy Hart's Farm. If you like the grittier psychological or practical stuff, consider Path of the Paladins and One God's Story of Mid-Life Crisis. Most of the core themes in my fanfic also appear in my original writing, so if you enjoy the underlying concepts then you can usually find more of whatever is floating your boat.
>> -Mariposaluna <<
Also, I love your name. I recognized "mariposa" as butterfly and "luna" from the name of a moth. So then I wondered if "mariposa" doubled for "moth" ... and it does. Luna moth. Awesome. It's a favorite species -- I saw one in our yard, once.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-04-23 12:16 am (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-04-23 12:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 04:57 pm (UTC)Wow!
Date: 2013-04-22 06:51 am (UTC)I am now fascinating by the hedgehog dilemma. So many of the Avengers are afraid of opening up because every time they have, they've gotten hurt from it.
Bruce is still the best fit though. I find it ironic that Hulk, whose power would usually make him the defensive spines, is much better at opening up and letting people in, once he's got people around who are worth it. Whereas Bruce, who seems soft and squishy, is mightily inclined to curl the fuck up and stay that way regardless of context. I actually used a sowbug analogy for him somewhere. It is just incredibly hard to convince Bruce to uncurl even a little bit. Poor guy.
>> Nice to see him get a little tlc, for once! <<
Bruce really, really needs it but does not want to admit that. He's getting better though.
>> Thanks for the chapter! <<
You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 05:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 05:20 pm (UTC)http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html
Thank you!
Date: 2013-04-22 03:51 am (UTC)Also, it's a good way to underline how Phil tends to ignore most of the outrageous behavior from the Avengers instead of picking fights over it like some people do. He has a very low-key approach. Even when Phil intervenes to stop something inappropriate, he does it in a calm and quiet manner. That's helpful when dealing with a bunch of folks who have a history with abusive punishments one way or another.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-12-13 08:30 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2013-04-22 03:16 am (UTC)It's okay, I love comments! Feedback is candy. Post as much as you want. You're among my more savvy commenters; I enjoy hearing from you.
>> I just reread your links, and thought about something I read a few years ago. It was about positive reinforcement for animals, applied to life partners (in the text it was husbands). It was hilarious, but also interesting, and I've been trying to use it ever since with my kid and my students. (My cat absolutely doesn't respond to anything good or bad...) <<
It's a good guideline. Two of my favorites are:
"Make it easy to do the right thing and hard to do the wrong thing." (Animal Handling)
"Find a way to make it do what you want it to do while letting it do what it wants to do." (Engineering)
>> I'll try to find the link again, but first, going to read yours! <<
I'm glad you're enjoying my links.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 07:14 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2013-04-22 08:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-21 09:13 pm (UTC)Wow!
Date: 2013-04-22 08:45 am (UTC)Much as I love the resonance in this series, I'm a bit disconcerted by how much my audience matches a bunch of mangled superheroes. That probably says something about my life too, but I have no idea what.
The Greeks had a word for it.
Date: 2013-04-21 09:34 pm (UTC)Re: The Greeks had a word for it.
Date: 2013-04-21 09:47 pm (UTC)Very cool, thanks for sharing!
>> It occurred to me sometime last night that "Phil" is the stem of φιλία 'friendly love, affection, friendship'. <<
Yes, and it fits beautifully in this context. "Phil" is short for "Phillip" meaning "horse-lover." And Uncle Phil is the hero-whisperer, so that works.
When I'm choosing character names, sometimes they just come to me, but often I pick them for the meaning. So if you look up character names in my writing, you'll find a lot of eastereggs.
Re: The Greeks had a word for it.
Date: 2013-04-21 11:37 pm (UTC)That's what I had in mind in mentioning it.
Great! I'm not familiar with the recent Avengers canon, so I assumed that Phil was a canon character.
(BTW, though "Phillip" is one spelling of the name, the etymon is φίλιππος fílippos with double "π", not double "l". – Just a little onomastic fillip from the Doctor.)
Re: The Greeks had a word for it.
Date: 2013-04-22 12:11 am (UTC)He is canon. Phil Coulson appears in The Avengers movie and some of the others. In this case the name is a happy coincidence. Elsewhere in my writing, I do things like that deliberately.
>> (BTW, though "Phillip" is one spelling of the name, the etymon is φίλιππος fílippos with double "π", not double "l". – Just a little onomastic fillip from the Doctor.) <<
Fascinating! Thanks for sharing.