Poem: "The Basic Source of Peace"
Nov. 23rd, 2021 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem was written outside the regular prompt calls. It fills the "safety" square in my 10-1-21 card for the Fall Festival Bingo. It has been sponsored by a pool with ng_moonmoth. This poem belongs to the Rutledge thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. It comes after "Fall into Despair," "Leave Behind Their Shadows," and "A Matter of Balance."
"The Basic Source of Peace"
[Monday, May 5, 2014]
Ahzan found Family Business Rest
to be a valuable refuge after
the upheavals in his life.
Hasra still screamed
most of the time, but
here Ahzan could walk
through the halls without
causing trouble, because
the hotel had few guests
other than the refugees.
Besides, he had company
more nights than not.
Yusuf Saeed and others
with young children also
walked to soothe them.
Bazyar Daber Ja'far had
nightmares, and slipped out
of the room to keep from
waking up his son Hadis.
Nafih Khalaf had all sorts
of sleep disturbances, from
insomnia to nightmares, and
also left his suite so as to avoid
bothering his sister Shakila.
So it was no wonder that
Ahzan clung to the hotel and
only went out when he had to
for appointments or other errands.
Finally Yusuf had insisted on taking
Hasra out Ahzan's hands, being
an experienced father himself,
then gently but firmly pushed
Ahzan out of the hotel.
"You need to go outside,"
Yusuf said. "I will watch Hasra
for a few hours. It will be nice
to tend a baby who wants attention."
His own children were glum and
quiet, having lost their mother and
older siblings, not liking his new wife.
"Do not come back until after dark!"
So Ahzan was left to wander
around Rutledge in search
of some other sanctuary.
The parks were pretty
but they felt too exposed.
The library was quiet,
but Ahzan struggled
to focus on reading for
more than a few minutes.
He wasn't hungry enough
to stop at a restaurant, having
eaten before he left the hotel.
Instead he drifted around
downtown, looking in windows
and trying to make sense of shops
that sometimes sold things he
had never even heard of.
Then a cheerful yellow building
caught his eye. The Peace Store,
read the sign over its door, with
a symbol that resembled a rocket.
Curious, Ahzan stopped to take
a closer look at the window display.
There were mannequins dressed
in colorful clothes above a scattering
of unfamiliar statuettes and knickknacks.
A slab of dark wood was inscribed with,
If you're looking for a sign, this is it.
Under that were several small paintings,
one with a necklace hanging on its frame.
Another sign taped to the window had
the word Muslim in it, which snagged
his attention. Reading carefully, Ahzan
figured out it as offering some support.
This sign is how you'll know me.
It had the same rocket-thing as
the store sign, with a safety pin.
Ahzan wasn't sure how a store
could sell peace, but since he
needed it desperately, he went in.
The air smelled like some sort
of incense, a warm spicy scent.
The front room was long and narrow,
filled with racks of clothes and shelves
of strange-looking decorations.
Overhead, looping script covered
part of the wall. Ahzan stared at it
for several minutes before realizing
that he was trying to read it backwards.
With a sigh, he found the English start
of it and read, Imagine all the people
living life in peace ... John Lennon.
The quote made his heart kick in
his chest. He wasn't sure how
to imagine something like that.
It was so alien in his experience.
He wanted it, though, urgently.
Ahzan ventured deeper into
the store and came to a counter.
Behind it stood a young man with
shaggy brown hair falling over
his pleasant face. Tattoos
decorated both of his arms.
He wore a patchwork jacket
and pants. The peace sign was
not a pendant but a T-shirt done
in radiant colors, with a safety pin
threaded through the cloth above it.
"Welcome to the Peace Store,"
he said. "My name is Kshanti."
"I'm Ahzan," he said. "It helps
if you speak slowly. My English
is ... I'm still working on it."
"No problem, man, I'm mellow,"
said Kshanti. "What brings you here?
You don't seem like our usual sort."
"A friend threw me out," Ahzan said.
Kshanti looked alarmed, so Ahzan
hastened to explain, "He told me
I needed go outside, walk around."
"Oh, okay, that makes more sense,"
said Kshanti. "I was worried for a bit."
"Yusuf is a good man. He worries too,"
said Ahzan. "So I walked around town
until I saw your sign. That made me
wonder how a store could sell peace."
Kshanti shook his head. "Nah, we
don't sell peace, we sell tools that
help people make it. Peace isn't
something you can buy, or find.
It's something you have to build."
"I don't understand?" Ahzan said.
"Peace comes from skills. You
have to put the pieces together,"
Kshanti said. "Like how you
could buy wood and hammer
and nails to build a chair."
Once the hotel had pulled in
several porters to help assemble
a set of wooden chairs. They
had come in pieces to be
put together with screws.
"I've made chairs before,"
said Ahzan. "I don't know
if I could make peace too,
but I wish that I could."
He looked around, puzzled
by the unfamiliar objects, and
uncertain how to use them
in constructing peace.
"Would you like a tour?"
Kshanti offered. "There's
nobody else in here now,
so I've got nothing to do."
"Yes, please," said Ahzan.
"The front room has most of
our hippie decorations and
some clothes," said Kshanti.
"Then farther back we have --"
Ahzan stopped, mesmerized
by glass tubes filled with
glowing, moving liquids
in two different colors.
"Oh, those are lava lamps,"
said Kshanti. "They're full of
colored oil and melted wax.
People find them soothing."
Ahzan didn't really have
much room to put things,
but ... maybe someday.
"More clothing back here,"
Kshanti said, beckoning.
Ahzan looked around, then
picked up a pink onesie with
a peace symbol for Hasra.
"This seems nice," he said.
"Oh hey, you got a new baby?"
Kshanti said. "Congratulations."
Grief fell on Ahzan with a sudden,
crushing weight. "Hasra is all I
have left," he whispered. "None
of the others survived the escape."
"Man, that is harsh," Kshanti said,
draping a gentle arm around him.
"Let me know if you wanna talk. I've
come through some pretty rough times,
nothing like a war zone, but I know
what it's like to leave everything
behind because it's killing you."
Ahzan shook himself. Dwelling
on the past did no good at all.
"I'm still looking for peace,"
he said. "Show me more?"
"Yeah, the next room is
good for that," said Kshanti.
"Check out our yoga stuff."
Stylized artwork covered
the walls. Several racks
held loose clothes, cushions,
and mats rolled into cylinders.
Shelves offered a variety of
jewelry, figurines, and books.
Ahzan looked at the pictures
of people bending their bodies
into bizarre shapes and he
wondered what that had
to do with creating peace.
The room after that was
crammed with books and
kits for different kinds of
peacework and activism.
Ahzan didn't think that would
be much help unless there
were picture books. It was
hard for him to read English.
The room of meditation tools
had books all along one wall.
Another held oils and incense
along with their various burners.
Shorter shelves under a window
held statues, bowls, and bells.
Underneath were colorful rugs
and piles of floor cushions.
Ahzan should probably get
a prayer rug, but honestly,
he just hadn't felt much like
praying since his family died.
"Listen," said Kshanti. He
picked up bowl and rubbed it
with a stick until it started humming.
Ahzan's eyes widened. "That's
beautiful," he said. It sounded
like it was coming from everywhere
and nowhere all at the same time.
"Now listen for the point when
sound ends and silence begins,"
Kshanti said as he stopped rubbing.
The hum faded away, slowly, and
Ahzan followed it with his ears
until he lost the last faint traces
under the sound of birds outside.
"It's soothing, but ..." He looked at
the price tag, then shook his head.
"Yeah, they're not cheap," Kshanti said.
"But there are other singing bowl options."
He showed Ahzan his phone. "We have
a website that lists apps you can download
on mindfulness, meditation, and relaxation.
Some of them have singing bowl sounds."
"Thank you," Ahzan said, noting the address.
"You show people things for free? Doesn't
that hurt the business for your store?"
"Nah, man, if people find us useful
then they come back when they've
got money to spend," said Kshanti.
Ahzan could grasp that. He found
the store itself relaxing. Just being
here was unwinding muscles that
had been strung tight for months.
His gaze swept over a row of
wall hangings with quotes on
them. They were short enough
to read easily, even for him.
He was especially fond of
one, True Meaning of Peace.
The last few lines gave him hope:
Since the basic source of peace and
happiness is one's own mental attitude,
it is worthwhile adopting means
to develop it in a positive way.
It wasn't expensive, and it would
hang on the wall so it wouldn't take
too much space in his hotel suite.
Ahzan picked up a boxed one.
"I'm glad that you found something,
bro," Kshanti said, smiling at him.
The Head Room didn't appeal
to Ahzan, since he didn't smoke
anything, and the Art Spot was
of little use as he didn't do crafts.
There was a Craft Room where
people could make things, and
beyond that, a Tea Room with
commercial and local blends.
One wall even had dried herbs
in dozens of jars for mixing up
custom blends, along with tools.
Ahzan wasn't sure why anyone
would want a teapot shaped like
a bear, but it was interesting to see.
"This is the Crane Room," said Kshanti.
He brushed the strings of paper birds
hung all over it. "People can come in
here to sit and talk through things."
"Does that work?" Ahzan wondered.
"If they're regulars, yeah, they have
good peace skills so it works great,"
said Kshanti. "If they're tourists or
whatnot and we shoo them back here
because they're arguing ... eh, maybe."
"Peace skills?" said Ahzan. "Like
not hitting or throwing things?"
Or bombing a city to gravel.
"Glad you asked," Kshanti said,
grinning at him. "The Circle Room
is our space for classes, workshops,
and other group activities. Here's
a copy of our May schedule for you."
He handed Ahzan a page crowded
with text on both sides of the paper.
"This month we're focusing on
peace studies and mindfulness."
Ahzan looked around the room.
It had mismatched couches and
chairs with nature art on the walls.
A piano stood in one corner.
It was ... peaceful, and full
of interesting possibilities.
He peered at the schedule.
Unfortunately, he had missed
Introduction to Peace Studies,
but this weekend would be
The Path to Pacifism, and
he definitely wanted to catch
Peaceful Parenting Skills later.
On the back side of the page,
Introduction to Meditation
was next week. He could
try that and, if it helped him
feel more peaceful, maybe
consider the later classes.
"Thank you," said Ahzan.
"I'd like to try some of these."
"I'm happy I could help, man,
you look like you could use
a break," said Kshanti.
The store still felt good,
but Ahzan had seen it now,
and he really ought to let
Kshanti get back to work.
"Ring up my purchases,
please?" he said, lifting them.
"Sure thing, come on up to
the register," said Kshanti.
There he talked Ahzan
through the process and
counted out the change
slowly enough to follow.
The purchases went
into a paper bag with
a peace symbol on it.
"You want one of these
too?" Kshanti asked,
holding up a card with
a safety pin and pendant.
Ahzan wasn't sure if he
could make a safe space
for others, but he was
sure he wanted peace.
He could always hang
the thing on his wall.
"Yes, please," he said,
and Kshanti dropped
that in the bag as well.
"Peace out, dude,"
said Kshanti. "I hope
to see you again soon."
It wasn't "Ma'aasalaama,"
but Ahzan found he didn't care.
He liked "Peace out, dude," just fine.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes will appear separately.
ng_moonmoth. This poem belongs to the Rutledge thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. It comes after "Fall into Despair," "Leave Behind Their Shadows," and "A Matter of Balance.""The Basic Source of Peace"
[Monday, May 5, 2014]
Ahzan found Family Business Rest
to be a valuable refuge after
the upheavals in his life.
Hasra still screamed
most of the time, but
here Ahzan could walk
through the halls without
causing trouble, because
the hotel had few guests
other than the refugees.
Besides, he had company
more nights than not.
Yusuf Saeed and others
with young children also
walked to soothe them.
Bazyar Daber Ja'far had
nightmares, and slipped out
of the room to keep from
waking up his son Hadis.
Nafih Khalaf had all sorts
of sleep disturbances, from
insomnia to nightmares, and
also left his suite so as to avoid
bothering his sister Shakila.
So it was no wonder that
Ahzan clung to the hotel and
only went out when he had to
for appointments or other errands.
Finally Yusuf had insisted on taking
Hasra out Ahzan's hands, being
an experienced father himself,
then gently but firmly pushed
Ahzan out of the hotel.
"You need to go outside,"
Yusuf said. "I will watch Hasra
for a few hours. It will be nice
to tend a baby who wants attention."
His own children were glum and
quiet, having lost their mother and
older siblings, not liking his new wife.
"Do not come back until after dark!"
So Ahzan was left to wander
around Rutledge in search
of some other sanctuary.
The parks were pretty
but they felt too exposed.
The library was quiet,
but Ahzan struggled
to focus on reading for
more than a few minutes.
He wasn't hungry enough
to stop at a restaurant, having
eaten before he left the hotel.
Instead he drifted around
downtown, looking in windows
and trying to make sense of shops
that sometimes sold things he
had never even heard of.
Then a cheerful yellow building
caught his eye. The Peace Store,
read the sign over its door, with
a symbol that resembled a rocket.
Curious, Ahzan stopped to take
a closer look at the window display.
There were mannequins dressed
in colorful clothes above a scattering
of unfamiliar statuettes and knickknacks.
A slab of dark wood was inscribed with,
If you're looking for a sign, this is it.
Under that were several small paintings,
one with a necklace hanging on its frame.
Another sign taped to the window had
the word Muslim in it, which snagged
his attention. Reading carefully, Ahzan
figured out it as offering some support.
This sign is how you'll know me.
It had the same rocket-thing as
the store sign, with a safety pin.
Ahzan wasn't sure how a store
could sell peace, but since he
needed it desperately, he went in.
The air smelled like some sort
of incense, a warm spicy scent.
The front room was long and narrow,
filled with racks of clothes and shelves
of strange-looking decorations.
Overhead, looping script covered
part of the wall. Ahzan stared at it
for several minutes before realizing
that he was trying to read it backwards.
With a sigh, he found the English start
of it and read, Imagine all the people
living life in peace ... John Lennon.
The quote made his heart kick in
his chest. He wasn't sure how
to imagine something like that.
It was so alien in his experience.
He wanted it, though, urgently.
Ahzan ventured deeper into
the store and came to a counter.
Behind it stood a young man with
shaggy brown hair falling over
his pleasant face. Tattoos
decorated both of his arms.
He wore a patchwork jacket
and pants. The peace sign was
not a pendant but a T-shirt done
in radiant colors, with a safety pin
threaded through the cloth above it.
"Welcome to the Peace Store,"
he said. "My name is Kshanti."
"I'm Ahzan," he said. "It helps
if you speak slowly. My English
is ... I'm still working on it."
"No problem, man, I'm mellow,"
said Kshanti. "What brings you here?
You don't seem like our usual sort."
"A friend threw me out," Ahzan said.
Kshanti looked alarmed, so Ahzan
hastened to explain, "He told me
I needed go outside, walk around."
"Oh, okay, that makes more sense,"
said Kshanti. "I was worried for a bit."
"Yusuf is a good man. He worries too,"
said Ahzan. "So I walked around town
until I saw your sign. That made me
wonder how a store could sell peace."
Kshanti shook his head. "Nah, we
don't sell peace, we sell tools that
help people make it. Peace isn't
something you can buy, or find.
It's something you have to build."
"I don't understand?" Ahzan said.
"Peace comes from skills. You
have to put the pieces together,"
Kshanti said. "Like how you
could buy wood and hammer
and nails to build a chair."
Once the hotel had pulled in
several porters to help assemble
a set of wooden chairs. They
had come in pieces to be
put together with screws.
"I've made chairs before,"
said Ahzan. "I don't know
if I could make peace too,
but I wish that I could."
He looked around, puzzled
by the unfamiliar objects, and
uncertain how to use them
in constructing peace.
"Would you like a tour?"
Kshanti offered. "There's
nobody else in here now,
so I've got nothing to do."
"Yes, please," said Ahzan.
"The front room has most of
our hippie decorations and
some clothes," said Kshanti.
"Then farther back we have --"
Ahzan stopped, mesmerized
by glass tubes filled with
glowing, moving liquids
in two different colors.
"Oh, those are lava lamps,"
said Kshanti. "They're full of
colored oil and melted wax.
People find them soothing."
Ahzan didn't really have
much room to put things,
but ... maybe someday.
"More clothing back here,"
Kshanti said, beckoning.
Ahzan looked around, then
picked up a pink onesie with
a peace symbol for Hasra.
"This seems nice," he said.
"Oh hey, you got a new baby?"
Kshanti said. "Congratulations."
Grief fell on Ahzan with a sudden,
crushing weight. "Hasra is all I
have left," he whispered. "None
of the others survived the escape."
"Man, that is harsh," Kshanti said,
draping a gentle arm around him.
"Let me know if you wanna talk. I've
come through some pretty rough times,
nothing like a war zone, but I know
what it's like to leave everything
behind because it's killing you."
Ahzan shook himself. Dwelling
on the past did no good at all.
"I'm still looking for peace,"
he said. "Show me more?"
"Yeah, the next room is
good for that," said Kshanti.
"Check out our yoga stuff."
Stylized artwork covered
the walls. Several racks
held loose clothes, cushions,
and mats rolled into cylinders.
Shelves offered a variety of
jewelry, figurines, and books.
Ahzan looked at the pictures
of people bending their bodies
into bizarre shapes and he
wondered what that had
to do with creating peace.
The room after that was
crammed with books and
kits for different kinds of
peacework and activism.
Ahzan didn't think that would
be much help unless there
were picture books. It was
hard for him to read English.
The room of meditation tools
had books all along one wall.
Another held oils and incense
along with their various burners.
Shorter shelves under a window
held statues, bowls, and bells.
Underneath were colorful rugs
and piles of floor cushions.
Ahzan should probably get
a prayer rug, but honestly,
he just hadn't felt much like
praying since his family died.
"Listen," said Kshanti. He
picked up bowl and rubbed it
with a stick until it started humming.
Ahzan's eyes widened. "That's
beautiful," he said. It sounded
like it was coming from everywhere
and nowhere all at the same time.
"Now listen for the point when
sound ends and silence begins,"
Kshanti said as he stopped rubbing.
The hum faded away, slowly, and
Ahzan followed it with his ears
until he lost the last faint traces
under the sound of birds outside.
"It's soothing, but ..." He looked at
the price tag, then shook his head.
"Yeah, they're not cheap," Kshanti said.
"But there are other singing bowl options."
He showed Ahzan his phone. "We have
a website that lists apps you can download
on mindfulness, meditation, and relaxation.
Some of them have singing bowl sounds."
"Thank you," Ahzan said, noting the address.
"You show people things for free? Doesn't
that hurt the business for your store?"
"Nah, man, if people find us useful
then they come back when they've
got money to spend," said Kshanti.
Ahzan could grasp that. He found
the store itself relaxing. Just being
here was unwinding muscles that
had been strung tight for months.
His gaze swept over a row of
wall hangings with quotes on
them. They were short enough
to read easily, even for him.
He was especially fond of
one, True Meaning of Peace.
The last few lines gave him hope:
Since the basic source of peace and
happiness is one's own mental attitude,
it is worthwhile adopting means
to develop it in a positive way.
It wasn't expensive, and it would
hang on the wall so it wouldn't take
too much space in his hotel suite.
Ahzan picked up a boxed one.
"I'm glad that you found something,
bro," Kshanti said, smiling at him.
The Head Room didn't appeal
to Ahzan, since he didn't smoke
anything, and the Art Spot was
of little use as he didn't do crafts.
There was a Craft Room where
people could make things, and
beyond that, a Tea Room with
commercial and local blends.
One wall even had dried herbs
in dozens of jars for mixing up
custom blends, along with tools.
Ahzan wasn't sure why anyone
would want a teapot shaped like
a bear, but it was interesting to see.
"This is the Crane Room," said Kshanti.
He brushed the strings of paper birds
hung all over it. "People can come in
here to sit and talk through things."
"Does that work?" Ahzan wondered.
"If they're regulars, yeah, they have
good peace skills so it works great,"
said Kshanti. "If they're tourists or
whatnot and we shoo them back here
because they're arguing ... eh, maybe."
"Peace skills?" said Ahzan. "Like
not hitting or throwing things?"
Or bombing a city to gravel.
"Glad you asked," Kshanti said,
grinning at him. "The Circle Room
is our space for classes, workshops,
and other group activities. Here's
a copy of our May schedule for you."
He handed Ahzan a page crowded
with text on both sides of the paper.
"This month we're focusing on
peace studies and mindfulness."
Ahzan looked around the room.
It had mismatched couches and
chairs with nature art on the walls.
A piano stood in one corner.
It was ... peaceful, and full
of interesting possibilities.
He peered at the schedule.
Unfortunately, he had missed
Introduction to Peace Studies,
but this weekend would be
The Path to Pacifism, and
he definitely wanted to catch
Peaceful Parenting Skills later.
On the back side of the page,
Introduction to Meditation
was next week. He could
try that and, if it helped him
feel more peaceful, maybe
consider the later classes.
"Thank you," said Ahzan.
"I'd like to try some of these."
"I'm happy I could help, man,
you look like you could use
a break," said Kshanti.
The store still felt good,
but Ahzan had seen it now,
and he really ought to let
Kshanti get back to work.
"Ring up my purchases,
please?" he said, lifting them.
"Sure thing, come on up to
the register," said Kshanti.
There he talked Ahzan
through the process and
counted out the change
slowly enough to follow.
The purchases went
into a paper bag with
a peace symbol on it.
"You want one of these
too?" Kshanti asked,
holding up a card with
a safety pin and pendant.
Ahzan wasn't sure if he
could make a safe space
for others, but he was
sure he wanted peace.
He could always hang
the thing on his wall.
"Yes, please," he said,
and Kshanti dropped
that in the bag as well.
"Peace out, dude,"
said Kshanti. "I hope
to see you again soon."
It wasn't "Ma'aasalaama,"
but Ahzan found he didn't care.
He liked "Peace out, dude," just fine.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes will appear separately.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-24 04:43 am (UTC)of it...<<
I think I once had someone comment that I write Arabic backwards. Technically, I'm copying it, so I could write it upside-down if I wanted!
>>Kshanti looked alarmed, so Ahzan
hastened to explain...<<
Yeah, odd miscommunications like that happen sometimes. I think the funniest I've gotten are accidentally being propositioned, and an instance of my clarifying question freaking out a bystander.
>>"Man, that is harsh," Kshanti said,
draping a gentle arm around him.<<
Is anyone in town having problems with cultural differences in personal space / cuddling? I don't recall it being mentioned much, but I'd expect that to come up occasionally...
>>"Let me know if you wanna talk.<<
I hope they've got EFA training and suppourt for the helpers... you're never really prepared for the first time someone, very calmly sits you down and explains the horrible things they survived. Or very casually mentions a traumatic even as an aside/context in a conversation about something else.
Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-24 06:34 am (UTC)It's easier to copy in the same direction a language is written, because of how the strokes flow and that changes the lay of the pigment. But it's not required. You don't even have to be literate if you have a sharp eye.
>>Yeah, odd miscommunications like that happen sometimes. I think the funniest I've gotten are accidentally being propositioned, and an instance of my clarifying question freaking out a bystander.<<
LOL
>> Is anyone in town having problems with cultural differences in personal space / cuddling? I don't recall it being mentioned much, but I'd expect that to come up occasionally... <<
It has probably happened a few times, but Rutledge made a point of sharing cross-cultural information about etiquette. Same-gender contact is mostly okay, but people need to be pretty careful about cross-gender contact or even interaction in some cases. And it doesn't help that they have, at minimum, Muslim, Christian, and Druze refugees all lumped together.
>> I hope they've got EFA training and suppourt for the helpers... <<
The Peace Store is one place with very well trained staff. It's a business, but its main purpose isn't to make money; it's there to teach peace skills. So the employees know lots of coping skills like meditation and radical acceptance, along with how to help folks create peace. They're much better equipped for this than average, even for Terramagne. Look at their class list. That'd be the equivalent of a college major if you took them all.
>> you're never really prepared for the first time someone, very calmly sits you down and explains the horrible things they survived. Or very casually mentions a traumatic even as an aside/context in a conversation about something else.<<
Yeah, that can get messy. But Kshanti has already dealt with some pretty heavy shit of his own, so he has built up good coping skills. It might be distressing to hear about, but I think he'll be able to handle it without freaking out.
Of course, he'll probably go home and moan to the older hippies, "This world is fuuuucked uuuuup." The older hippies who survived the Vietnam era, yeah, they know that. It's why they made a commune for peacework.
By all means, prompt for more if you'd like to extend this arc. December's fishbowl theme will be "acts of kindness" so that's a match.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-24 01:05 pm (UTC)I cannot read Arabic. At best, I can recognize one or two letters as "Hey, that's a letter!"
I've also accidentally convinced people I'm literate, by reading Arabic that has English pronunciation.
And I'm usually using a ballpoint pen on paper, copying from printed text. No more complicated than forging a signature (which for the record, I have never done.)
>>It has probably happened a few times, but Rutledge made a point of sharing cross-cultural information about etiquette. Same-gender contact is mostly okay,...<<
Smart of them. I've seen same-gender cuddling as a way to reduce stress (that was a really bad day for everyone) but I don't think I've seen an American offer same-gender cuddling to calm someone down. (Admittedly, if we're using purely workplace-context rules instead of social ones, that would explain it.)
>>Yeah, that can get messy. But Kshanti has already dealt with some pretty heavy shit of his own, so he has built up good coping skills. It might be distressing to hear about, but I think he'll be able to handle it without freaking out.<<
Might depend on personality too. I had to kludge my experiences from elsewhere to make useful responses.
Calming presence and emotional labor I learned from osmosis. How to deal with traumatic revelations O taught myself from articles, just in case, because I am one of the demographics that can reasonably expect to survive/clean up thise sorts of messes. Just wasn't expecting warzone and genocide level ones...)
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-25 08:40 pm (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-25 09:39 pm (UTC)Of course, the location also matters: local-Americans are toward the touch-averse end of the spectrum. French people hang all over each other.
More complicated, some Americans have gotten even more touch-averse due to abuse issues, which have always been there -- mostly higher-ranked men touching lower-ranked women in "socially acceptable" ways that the women still don't want.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-25 11:58 pm (UTC)Overall we were less formal than a traditional office* but more so than a purely social situation.
I think some of the staff/volunteers from other cultures would might have done consensual culturally-appropriate casual touch with clients once or twice, and a lot of the clients were rather cuddly with each other until they recalibrated to American norms.
To be fair, most traditional offices don't involve:
- teaching people how to talk about things like childbirth
- having to tell people 'don't say/do that, it's rude' as part of the job
- routinely having small kids running around
- having to reorganize your schedule based on a crisis or a bill or # of staff/clients or someone having an emotional thing, or ....
And we all mostly got along.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 12:09 am (UTC)That makes it challenging because people will have such diverse ideas of what is appropriate when and with whom.
>>I think some of the staff/volunteers from other cultures would might have done consensual culturally-appropriate casual touch with clients once or twice, and a lot of the clients were rather cuddly with each other until they recalibrated to American norms.<<
That makes sense. For comparison, T-America is more touch-friendly than L-America, and hippies tend to be more cuddly in general.
>>To be fair, most traditional offices don't involve:<<
True, although that's much more typical of social service jobs like battered women support or homeless shelters.
>>And we all mostly got along.<<
Then you did as well as could be expected.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 04:11 am (UTC)If the base rule is "try not to make others uncomftorable" that's a good starting point.
We would, occasionally and unintentionally, do minorly annoying things by each other's standards (think getting in people's space b/c proxemics).
There were a few bigger/serious instances, but the folks in charge were usually good about stepping in if someone felt hurt, and you wouldn't have to interact with the person after if you didn't want to.
Notes:
- If someone's body language suddenly goes from cheerful/relaxed to reserved, fearful or agressive that is a warning sign, and you back off.
- If someone keeps dodging a question, or giving a reflective response, they may not be comfortable discussing the topic.
- Theres a friendly-agressive tone, the "I demand you come have fun" tone. If someone is interrogating or inviting in this tone, check if the other participants need backup.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 04:39 am (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 04:47 am (UTC)Agreed.
>> We would, occasionally and unintentionally, do minorly annoying things by each other's standards (think getting in people's space b/c proxemics). <<
That's normal in any group, though more common in a mixed group where people are less familiar with each other's parameters.
>> There were a few bigger/serious instances, but the folks in charge were usually good about stepping in if someone felt hurt, and you wouldn't have to interact with the person after if you didn't want to. <<
Key point: not having to interact with the person. Much damage is done when incompatible people can't avoid each other, all the more so if one has power over the other. I consider it a very risky bottleneck any time there's only one person to teach a class or handle certain paperwork. It invites abuse, which then leaves the organization open to lawsuits.
In fact, choice in general matters a lot for avoiding conflicts.
>> - If someone's body language suddenly goes from cheerful/relaxed to reserved, fearful or agressive that is a warning sign, and you back off. <<
Ideally, people in helping professions need extra education in body language to catch things like this, and business parameters that direct them to back off instead of bullying people.
>> - If someone keeps dodging a question, or giving a reflective response, they may not be comfortable discussing the topic. <<
Sadly all the references I've seen are about how to force people to give up information they don't want to. Nobody seems to think it advisable to make interviews culturally appropriate or respectful. And then they wonder why people "don't want help."
>> - Theres a friendly-agressive tone, the "I demand you come have fun" tone. If someone is interrogating or inviting in this tone, check if the other participants need backup. <<
... and avoid that person, because that shit is not okay. If it's a demand, it's not fun, it's work; like an office "party."
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 05:18 am (UTC)Amen to that.
The two cases, the people involved might be in the same building or (large) room, but wouldn't be required to interact or be alone with each other.
One case was a joke that...really wasn't (and the languague barrier did not help).
The other - I'm pretty sure it was a bad case of incompatible needs/personalities (possibly mixed with a bit of a culture clash).
>>I consider it a very risky bottleneck any time there's only one person to teach a class or handle certain paperwork.<<
One of the advantages of having several volunteers is we could switch off depending on resources, compatible personalities, individual knowledge / experience etc.
Plus we didn't have to derail the whole class just because one person needed help figuring out his electric bill...
>>Ideally, people in helping professions need extra education in body language to catch things like this, and business parameters that direct them to back off instead of bullying people.<<
Complicating this, some cultures, demographics and people have very subtle body language.
I just had a discussion with someone today, and one of the chief complaints was that the other person cannot tell when my temper is fraying. (To me, repeating "Don't do X" twice is a clear warning.)
>>Sadly all the references I've seen are about how to force people to give up information they don't want to. Nobody seems to think it advisable to make interviews culturally appropriate or respectful. And then they wonder why people "don't want help."<<
I only recognized the pattern after running into it several times myself (and admittedly, not always handling it gracefully).
Usually [and especially in cross-cultural situations] if you don't get the expected response 1x, 2x, it's a good idea to step back and check what's going on.
>>... and avoid that person, because that shit is not okay. If it's a demand, it's not fun, it's work; like an office "party."<<
Two of the three 'serious issues' I recall involved someone using that tone. And no, they did not get what they wanted in the end.
People get to choose who they're comfortable working with, and people get to choose how they are or are not going to pray.
One can have Opinions, but one does not get to enforce those Opinions on others.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 05:41 am (UTC)See now, that works just fine as long as both agree to ignore each other and someone else is available for whatever needs doing. It's a skill I wish more people had. I can do it, if the other person stays out of my way -- but I won't tolerate being picked on.
>>One of the advantages of having several volunteers is we could switch off depending on resources, compatible personalities, individual knowledge / experience etc.<<
Very good, and also a reason for cross-training.
This reminds me, one of the biggest problems that Rutledge has is almost all the refugees come from broken families. The lucky ones have two parents and their children. But almost nobody has the set of relatives needed for normal social interactions in Muslim culture -- a man needs a female relative to meet with another woman, and a woman needs a male relative to meet with another man. Women and men are both generally happier if they have same-sex relatives and friends to hang out with, go shopping, etc. So lots of people are desperately lonely but don't have what they need to connect. Some are trying to splice back together by adopting other refugees, mostly the solitary elders. It's just a mess. But it's only come up a few times; I caught an example because Labib had picked up a solitary grandmother.
>> Complicating this, some cultures, demographics and people have very subtle body language.<<
True. A person with subtle body language can usually read loud body language, but the reverse is rarely true.
>> I just had a discussion with someone today, and one of the chief complaints was that the other person cannot tell when my temper is fraying. (To me, repeating "Don't do X" twice is a clear warning.)<<
Yeah.
I find that things unsaid cause the most problems. Frex, in Japan people don't say "no" because it's rude. But their oblique phrases to mean no are taken as encouragement by American businessmen. In some places, I think Korea is one, touching a person's head is so rude that it can't be mentioned even to tell people not to do it -- thus perpetuating the problem. Multiple Native American tribes have a rule that you can't correct an older person for any reason, which is a blighted nuisance if that older person is trying to learn the language.
>>I only recognized the pattern after running into it several times myself (and admittedly, not always handling it gracefully).
Usually [and especially in cross-cultural situations] if you don't get the expected response 1x, 2x, it's a good idea to step back and check what's going on.<<
I agree. You really have to be good at reading people. Me, I'm too much of a bulldozer to be good at that sort of skill, but I can still admire it.
>> People get to choose who they're comfortable working with, and people get to choose how they are or are not going to pray.<<
That's good.
>> One can have Opinions, but one does not get to enforce those Opinions on others.<<
That makes for a better world. Here, it doesn't matter whether it's religion, clothes, food -- everyone seems to feel entitled to force themselves on other people. And I feel like I don't want to be around assholes.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 07:26 pm (UTC)It was never targeted malice, so we could keep an eye out for recurring problems, or keep an eye on people who might tend to get a bit too helpy, and we also never had to break up a fistfight or smuggle someone out a side door (hallelujah for that!)
It helped that the group of regulars was small enough that we could track who didn't get along. Or who did: one new student spoke and really enjoyed a second language that was the native language of one of out volunteers (Me: "Oh, I should introduce you to Volunteer, she speaks X, too!"), and our volunteer was delighted to be greeted in her native language by the new student.
>>So lots of people are desperately lonely but don't have what they need to connect. Some are trying to splice back together by adopting other refugees, mostly the solitary elders. It's just a mess. But it's only come up a few times; I caught an example because Labib had picked up a solitary grandmother.<<
It might be interesting if they start adopting locals, too. I think there are some bonds and proto-bonds that could go that way, and it mightn't be as unusual in T-America. (I think Ahzan could quite realistically end up getting adopted into the local counterculture community, for example.)
I remember that the 'arraigning a chaperone' rule is very relaxing, as it cuts out a great deal of stress and risk assessment and emotional labor on my part. Although its not 100% - I've had people be fine with me driving them places without a chaperone, and I think there were one or two cases where "my kids are here" got counted as sufficient. Not sure what was assimilation, improvisation, familiarity, or necessity but [shrug], social rules are complicated.
I also remember that my initial automatic reaction to people calling me 'Sister' as a sign of friendship/affection was to explain that I'm not a nun. I looked it up later, and found out that brother/sister is an affectionate way to refer to dear friends in Middle Eastern culture. (Now I basically treat it as an Affectionate Nickname whenever it comes up.)
To make it more interesting, there was a nonzero possibility that nuns would be around (religious organization), and we did have one nun who was volunteering for awhile. And people have actually mistaken me for a nun in separate context. (My religion does not have a monastic tradition, but apparently my taste in clothes can come off as 'traditionally religious?')
>>I find that things unsaid cause the most problems.<<
Complicating this, it isn't just cross-cultural, it is often cross-status [class and gender and race and socioeconomic standing and...], where the lower-status person is not supposed to inconvenience a higher-ranked conversation partner with messy emotions or annoy them by saying no. So you get:
- the guy complaining that a woman always says "I don't know" instead of yes/no,
- the "Nobody complained before/I ain't listening to no rioters" dichotomy,
- and far too many instances of problems caused because retail workers are not allowed to say no (i.e. the classic "Must be done by 10pm, but cannot tell customers we are closed / shoo them out even if they stay until 1am, but why weren't you gone by 10:30?")
And yes, these are all real examples.
Plus, I recall a story where I (ex-retail worker) had to explain to somebody that when the receptionist says "Well, I don't think there's a rule against it" she probably means "Please for the love of X do not come into the building during a health crisis just to be sociable" but can't actually say that because customer service. (Person did not go along to be sociable.)
>>I agree. You really have to be good at reading people. Me, I'm too much of a bulldozer to be good at that sort of skill, but I can still admire it.<<
A thought: From what I can tell, you are good with science stuff and identifying social patterns, so would it work to think of it as a science experiment, or a play, where if someone goes off script or you get an unexpected result twice in a row that means "stop and analyze"?
Myself, I sometimes tend to think of it as and 'error message' : if you're getting bad (or incorrect, or unexpected) data out, check the data you're putting in, and the formulas you are using. Or a barrier: if you walk into an unexpected surface, stop and check if the door is open or closed.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 03:26 pm (UTC)Actually a mixed group presents a specific advantage that more... mono-composite (?) groups lack: you know that people are going to disagree and you know that the disagreements are not malicious or character flaws, and you expect to have to work through it.
Someone crowds you / keeps dodging away or flat-out runs and hides? Different proxemics. Someone treats a pet like a child? It's not that they're a raging eccentric, it's just a cultural difference. Mismatch between different 'offer to feed the guest rituals'? Not malice or unfriendliness, and once you learn that it tones down to "whose ettiquite-set are we using today?" Someone drops an n-word or equivalent outside appropriate context, and its probably a misunderstanding which should be cleared up calmly (but it's also fine to be upset or hand the problem off if it smacked into your old emotional injuries).
Basically, there is more of a default effort toward understanding each other and making each other feel safe.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-27 11:13 am (UTC)That's true. It is easier if the group has any training or skills in multicultural dynamics.
>>Someone crowds you / keeps dodging away or flat-out runs and hides? Different proxemics.<<
LOL yes, nothing's funnier than a Japanese and a Russian trying to talk.
The best trick for proxemics I know, I got from a science fiction novel, Hellspark. Look for a line on the floor, plant your toes on that, and stay put -- let the other person set the proxemics to their comfort level. Because if you know what proxemics are, you can to a significant extent compensate for the instinctive urge to move. A person who doesn't know about them can't do that.
>>Someone drops an n-word or equivalent outside appropriate context, and its probably a misunderstanding which should be cleared up calmly (but it's also fine to be upset or hand the problem off if it smacked into your old emotional injuries).<<
It can be difficult if not impossible to learn from books what is or is not socially acceptable.
>> Basically, there is more of a default effort toward understanding each other and making each other feel safe. <<
\o/
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-27 09:11 pm (UTC)<<
We had a few really basic rules, and once or twice had talks to address specific issues, but we didn't really have 'cultural sensitivity training' per se.
>>LOL yes, nothing's funnier than a Japanese and a Russian trying to talk.<<
American introvert adult doing something that is /absolutely fascinating/ to a large group of Middle Eastern kids. I ended up running off and hiding for a few minutes, and when I came back, I actually had a personal space bubble, rather than being squished from all sides (well, except the furniture I was pushed up against).
I've explained personal space by:
[standing at American distance ~2-3ft]
"America, sadiki!" :)
[holding hand at Middle Eastern distance ~6in]
"Your country sadiki," :)
"America la sadiki" >:(
[sometimes + slightly defensive/angry posture]
sadiki = my friend, la = no
(Phonetic writing b/c I can't read/write Arabic.)
Usually after that, if I remind someone again about personal space (sometimes with a bit of playfully 'irritable/grumpy' body language, like a scowl), they'll often laugh and step back.
Disclaimer: Humor/silliness can be useful in relationships (and for relieving tension), but one should always be careful to be sure that everyone feels safe and is enjoying it. Also, I am fairly physically unimposing; if I were built like a football player, I'd probably have to do something else, like fake crying.
>>The best trick for proxemics I know, I got from a science fiction novel, Hellspark. Look for a line on the floor, plant your toes on that, and stay put -- let the other person set the proxemics to their comfort level. Because if you know what proxemics are, you can to a significant extent compensate for the instinctive urge to move. A person who doesn't know about them can't do that.<<
I may have to borrow that to explain personal space (especially) across the gender divide. Accidentally scaring someone is much worse than just coming across as a Friendly Foreigner, or non-foreign friendly stranger, for that matter. (I am still impressed by the American dude who parsed that my personal space bubble had unexpectedly expanded just from my body language - and it only took him about 5 minutes. Verrry impressive!)
>>It can be difficult if not impossible to learn from books what is or is not socially acceptable.<<
That specific one wasn't from books, that was a hazard of picking up social stuff 'in the wild' from people with different demographics. (Side note: If you can choose a teacher, it may be good to consider choosinf one who matches your demographics, if possible and feasible within whatever restrictions you've got.)
And there was a whole discussion on how to explain effectively before explaining because the rules change depending on gender / age / geography / upbringing / relationship-of-participants, and there are other uses for the term that are totally innocuous. (Which now reminds me of a story I read, where the alien started learning a human language, but didn't try speaking it right away, because he knew that a slight change in inflection or pronunciation could change the meaning completely - and his trying to speak at all might be insulting.)
That was still better than an example I ran across in college which ended up with someone asking me for medical advice after being attacked for using an even worse term. (I am not a doctor!) That one freaked me out enough (even though I wasn't present for the incident itself) that I am now very careful not to casually swear around folks learning my language, and somewhat overreact to the possibility of a repeat.
Speaking of the books though, you are right - a lot of stuff that is written down is how the educated and powerful people perceive it. So. Thake direct vs. non-direct cultures like America and Japan. The books say that Americans are direct, and the Japanese are...deflective? roundabout? Whatever you call it.
Apply that generalization to Americans, and it looks true - until you stop interacting with the powerful people - the men, the customers, the people with more privilige. Women will commonly have deflective responses because emotional labor, customer service workers are often outright forbidden from saying no even if it is the only true answer, and less privileged people are often supposed to graciously accept 'help' and advice that ranges from useless to outright harmful.
Seriously, look at the 'hinting that we are about to close' routines practiced by restaurant workers, or the 'hinting about what you want' behaviors practiced by many women, and they match up pretty well, I think, with 'hinting' behaviors in deflective cultures.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-11-24 11:54 am (UTC)We've got a few shops like that in Leeds, which considering how stressful big cities are, and the number of students attending Leeds Uni, it's kinda necessary.
Yay!
Date: 2021-11-24 12:02 pm (UTC)