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ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Unworthy," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Duende," "Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," "Little and Broken, but Still Good," "Byzantine Perplexities," "Up the Water Spout," "The Life of the Dead," "What It Means to Me," "If They Could Just Stay Little," "Anahata," "When the Wheels Come Off," "Against His Own Shield," "Coming in from the Cold: Saturday: Building Towers," "Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Shaking Foundations," "Coming in from the Cold: Monday: Memorial Day," "Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears," "Coming in from the Cold: Wednesday: Coping Techniques," "Coming in from the Cold: Thursday: Digging for Answers," "Coming in from the Cold: Friday: Bug Hunt," "Coming in from the Cold: Saturday: Revisiting the Past," "What Little Boys Are Made Of," "Rotten Fruit," "Trying to Find Prui," "Life in Quicktime," "Sunday Dinner," "Cafuné," "Fatherboards and Other F-words," "The Artists Among Us," "Keep the Homefires Burning," "Their Old Familiar Carols Play," "Fluffy," "A Leg Up," "Wabbit Season," and "A Painful Process."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Clint Barton, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Jasper Sitwell, James Rhodes, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Hulk.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Guns, Food, Bugs & Insects, Triggers, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Hurt/Comfort.
Summary: Phil, Steve, Bucky, and Clint visit SHIELD to work with the new recruits. Later that evening, an unexpected trigger throws Bucky into a panic attack.
Notes: Teamwork, Training, Games, Carrying, No Sex, Intimacy, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Friendship, Team as Family, Avengers Family, Food, #coulsonlives.
Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12.
"Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Thanks for Taking Care of Me, Tiny" Part 8
Hulk stroked a finger over Bucky's left shoulder and down toward his elbow. He pulled his hand back and rubbed his fingers together, frowning. "Bad," he said.
"You can feel that?" Phil asked, startled. "Tony says he can, a little bit. There's some kind of power source; we still don't know much about it."
"Hulk know. Bad like spear. Not same, close. Full of anger," Hulk said.
"Loki's spear," Phil said. "Bruce picked it up, on the Helicarrier. We think it made people more prone to fighting. Bruce said that he's always angry, though. How could you tell the difference?"
"Not own anger," Hulk said. "Taste different. Like spoiled honey."
The last phrase plucked sharply at Phil's memory. Spoiled honey he knew from his study of poisons, because it could carry botulism. Something sweet, turned foul. Something that should heal, turned to harm, he mused. Phil wondered how much of that Hulk knew, how much he meant, what he was really saying about the still-mysterious energy buried in Bucky's metal arm. I'll have to take this up with Tony, and Bruce too once he comes back.
They all hovered around Bucky, Hulk and Steve at his head and feet, Phil beside him where he'd pushed the coffee table out of the way to make room.. Bucky was still crying, just quieter now.
Steve looked like someone was slowly pulling his heart out through his ribs. Phil felt about the same. Trauma reactions always hurt.
Oddly, Hulk looked concerned but calm. His face was larger, more rough-hewn where Bruce was softer, but the expression was much the same as when Bruce took care of an injured teammate. There was a solidity to Hulk that Phil hadn't seen before, an outgrowth of glimpses that Phil had noticed when Hulk reached out to the other Avengers. This was just ... more, deeper.
Phil sat quietly and watched Hulk work. Maybe it was something Hulk had learned from Dr. Samson, or even Betty. The gentle petting and soft words reminded Phil of how Betty talked about handling Hulk, but some of Hulk's actions seemed more precisely tuned to addressing severe trauma. Phil didn't think it was carryover from Bruce, because Bruce had marginal people skills. Wherever Hulk had gotten his, they were better, and they were improving rapidly. There weren't many people who could handle a panicky supersoldier without anyone getting injured.
Eventually, Hulk's rumbling reassurances must have gotten through. Bucky wound down and stopped crying.
Steve slipped away for a minute, then came back with a wet washcloth. He handed it over. Bucky washed his face, then pressed the cloth over his eyes. Hiding from them, or perhaps, from himself. Finally he gave it back to Steve, who took it to the laundry hamper in the bathroom.
Bucky still wouldn't look at any of them, though, wouldn't meet their eyes. Shame rolled off him in waves.
Hulk patted him gently on the shoulder. "Bucky? Feeling?"
"Not dead yet," Bucky croaked. "I don't -- I don't remember everything that just -- happened." His voice wavered and cracked. "Did I -- did I hurt anyone?"
"No. Hulk come, keep everyone safe," he said.
"Oh. That's good," said Bucky. "God, I'm such a wreck. I'm not even safe around my own people."
"Not Bucky fault," Hulk said.
"Yeah right, somebody else shoved Bruce into a wall," Bucky said.
"Bucky do, Bucky not choose," Hulk said.
That startled Bucky out of his self-recrimination. "What?" he said.
"Bad people hurt Bucky before. Make trigger. Something remind Bucky of bad things now -- smash!" Hulk said. "Not Bucky fault."
"I guess, maybe," said Bucky.
"Hulk know triggers. Hulk know smash too," he said. "Long time, everyone hurt Hulk. If Hulk out, always smash. Better now. Hulk have friends. Eat food. Tell stories."
"Yeah, I heard about some of that," Bucky said.
"Hulk get better. Bucky get better too," said Hulk.
"If they don't kick me out for being too violent," Bucky said, looking down.
Hulk tucked a huge finger under Bucky's chin and gently tilted his face up. "Hulk smash lots. Team not kick Hulk. Bucky smash little bit. Team not kick Bucky."
"You said it, big guy," Steve added. "We're not kicking anyone out, even people who get upset and smash things sometimes. We've all done it."
"Really?" Bucky said.
"I kill heavy bags," Steve said.
"I might possibly have set fire to an offending file cabinet once," Phil said, and rubbed his mouth. He'd been younger and more volatile then. There had been extenuating circumstances. But still, it was an embarrassing memory.
"Huh," Bucky said. "That's kind of encouraging, in a way. If it lasts."
"We won't let you down," Steve promised. "I'm with you to the end of the line."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "I'm glad. I shouldn't be, but I'm glad."
"No 'should' about it, Bucky, it just is what it is. Family." Steve gave a crooked smile. "I'd rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world."
Phil nodded. "You're part of our team, Bucky. We're here for you."
The support seemed to be helping. Bucky looked a little less wrecked than he had. He still had trouble finding his voice, though. Sometimes he stalled out in the middle of a sentence, or opened his mouth without saying anything.
"Bucky?" Hulk prompted, petting his hair gently.
"I guess I just wanted to say, thanks for taking care of me, tiny," said Bucky.
"Welcome," Hulk said. Then he chuffed. "Hulk not tiny."
Bucky gave a lopsided smile. "Neither's Steve anymore, and I still call him runt. It's a family joke. What, you never had any of those?"
Hulk shrugged and looked away. "Family bad."
"Well then you need a better family, with jokes -- tiny," said Bucky.
"Better now. Hulk be tiny for Bucky," the giant agreed.
* * *
Notes:
Honey doesn't actually spoil because of its antimicrobial qualities. However, it can carry inactive botulism spores, which under certain circumstances may cause problems.
(These links are sad.)
Post-traumatic stress comes from surviving horrific events. Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder, aka Compound-PTSD, comes from experiencing not a single disaster but a series of them or a period of extended abuse. PDSD can be harder to treat if the person never had an experience of being safe or getting help, or if times of safety repeatedly fell back into awfulness again. All survivors of mad science torture should be presumed to have PDSD until they can be assessed individually, and should receive trauma-informed care. Understand how to help someone with traumatic stress.
(These links are touchy.)
The core of trauma-informed care is asking "What happened to you?" instead of "What is wrong with you?" This forms the basis of the principles and practices. There are instructions for supporting trauma survivors and working through your own trauma. First responders typically have workplace procedures to minimize the risk of developing PTSD.
Some people, especially veterans with traumatic stress, have intense fear of hurting others. This causes unhealthy levels of anxiety, but the common recommendation of exposure therapy can make matters worse. Obviously, that would be a disaster for Bucky. O_O Fortunately, there are other options. A much gentler version is counterconditioning, where you approach a trigger only as far as you still feel comfortable and then apply copious positive input. That breaks down the previous negative associations, without the high-risk, high-stress aspects of exposure therapy. Trying to avoid any distressing thought is difficult; the "no mind" approach is the hardest form of meditation. But replacing unwelcome thoughts with something desirable is much easier! For example, meditations on lovingkindness increase positive emotions and actions. This isn't woo; this is do-it-yourself brain rewiring that makes measurable changes. Compare these brain images of novice and expert meditators for evidence. If you worry about whether you are a good person, you can perform good deeds, and then your goodness will be a demonstration of fact, not a belief. If you want to be virtuous, then get a list of virtues and work on practicing each of them for a day, a week, or whatever. To do is to be.
Self-blame is a form of internalized emotional abuse, common among survivors of abuse or other trauma. Bucky's traumatic past has left him with a tendency to blame himself. Follow the steps to let go of self-blame.
Abandonment comes in many forms, and can cause serious issues. Having survived mad science torture, Bucky worries that people will dump him for being too dangerous or bothersome. This is a problem, and it is not going to go away quickly just because he's in a better situation now, because the present grates against the past. On the bright side, you couldn't pry Steve away from him with a crowbar, so at least it's a baseless fear. Understand how to overcome the fear of abandonment.
Nicknames can enhance bonding.
[To be continued in Part 9 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Clint Barton, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Jasper Sitwell, James Rhodes, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Hulk.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Guns, Food, Bugs & Insects, Triggers, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Hurt/Comfort.
Summary: Phil, Steve, Bucky, and Clint visit SHIELD to work with the new recruits. Later that evening, an unexpected trigger throws Bucky into a panic attack.
Notes: Teamwork, Training, Games, Carrying, No Sex, Intimacy, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Friendship, Team as Family, Avengers Family, Food, #coulsonlives.
Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12.
"Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Thanks for Taking Care of Me, Tiny" Part 8
Hulk stroked a finger over Bucky's left shoulder and down toward his elbow. He pulled his hand back and rubbed his fingers together, frowning. "Bad," he said.
"You can feel that?" Phil asked, startled. "Tony says he can, a little bit. There's some kind of power source; we still don't know much about it."
"Hulk know. Bad like spear. Not same, close. Full of anger," Hulk said.
"Loki's spear," Phil said. "Bruce picked it up, on the Helicarrier. We think it made people more prone to fighting. Bruce said that he's always angry, though. How could you tell the difference?"
"Not own anger," Hulk said. "Taste different. Like spoiled honey."
The last phrase plucked sharply at Phil's memory. Spoiled honey he knew from his study of poisons, because it could carry botulism. Something sweet, turned foul. Something that should heal, turned to harm, he mused. Phil wondered how much of that Hulk knew, how much he meant, what he was really saying about the still-mysterious energy buried in Bucky's metal arm. I'll have to take this up with Tony, and Bruce too once he comes back.
They all hovered around Bucky, Hulk and Steve at his head and feet, Phil beside him where he'd pushed the coffee table out of the way to make room.. Bucky was still crying, just quieter now.
Steve looked like someone was slowly pulling his heart out through his ribs. Phil felt about the same. Trauma reactions always hurt.
Oddly, Hulk looked concerned but calm. His face was larger, more rough-hewn where Bruce was softer, but the expression was much the same as when Bruce took care of an injured teammate. There was a solidity to Hulk that Phil hadn't seen before, an outgrowth of glimpses that Phil had noticed when Hulk reached out to the other Avengers. This was just ... more, deeper.
Phil sat quietly and watched Hulk work. Maybe it was something Hulk had learned from Dr. Samson, or even Betty. The gentle petting and soft words reminded Phil of how Betty talked about handling Hulk, but some of Hulk's actions seemed more precisely tuned to addressing severe trauma. Phil didn't think it was carryover from Bruce, because Bruce had marginal people skills. Wherever Hulk had gotten his, they were better, and they were improving rapidly. There weren't many people who could handle a panicky supersoldier without anyone getting injured.
Eventually, Hulk's rumbling reassurances must have gotten through. Bucky wound down and stopped crying.
Steve slipped away for a minute, then came back with a wet washcloth. He handed it over. Bucky washed his face, then pressed the cloth over his eyes. Hiding from them, or perhaps, from himself. Finally he gave it back to Steve, who took it to the laundry hamper in the bathroom.
Bucky still wouldn't look at any of them, though, wouldn't meet their eyes. Shame rolled off him in waves.
Hulk patted him gently on the shoulder. "Bucky? Feeling?"
"Not dead yet," Bucky croaked. "I don't -- I don't remember everything that just -- happened." His voice wavered and cracked. "Did I -- did I hurt anyone?"
"No. Hulk come, keep everyone safe," he said.
"Oh. That's good," said Bucky. "God, I'm such a wreck. I'm not even safe around my own people."
"Not Bucky fault," Hulk said.
"Yeah right, somebody else shoved Bruce into a wall," Bucky said.
"Bucky do, Bucky not choose," Hulk said.
That startled Bucky out of his self-recrimination. "What?" he said.
"Bad people hurt Bucky before. Make trigger. Something remind Bucky of bad things now -- smash!" Hulk said. "Not Bucky fault."
"I guess, maybe," said Bucky.
"Hulk know triggers. Hulk know smash too," he said. "Long time, everyone hurt Hulk. If Hulk out, always smash. Better now. Hulk have friends. Eat food. Tell stories."
"Yeah, I heard about some of that," Bucky said.
"Hulk get better. Bucky get better too," said Hulk.
"If they don't kick me out for being too violent," Bucky said, looking down.
Hulk tucked a huge finger under Bucky's chin and gently tilted his face up. "Hulk smash lots. Team not kick Hulk. Bucky smash little bit. Team not kick Bucky."
"You said it, big guy," Steve added. "We're not kicking anyone out, even people who get upset and smash things sometimes. We've all done it."
"Really?" Bucky said.
"I kill heavy bags," Steve said.
"I might possibly have set fire to an offending file cabinet once," Phil said, and rubbed his mouth. He'd been younger and more volatile then. There had been extenuating circumstances. But still, it was an embarrassing memory.
"Huh," Bucky said. "That's kind of encouraging, in a way. If it lasts."
"We won't let you down," Steve promised. "I'm with you to the end of the line."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "I'm glad. I shouldn't be, but I'm glad."
"No 'should' about it, Bucky, it just is what it is. Family." Steve gave a crooked smile. "I'd rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world."
Phil nodded. "You're part of our team, Bucky. We're here for you."
The support seemed to be helping. Bucky looked a little less wrecked than he had. He still had trouble finding his voice, though. Sometimes he stalled out in the middle of a sentence, or opened his mouth without saying anything.
"Bucky?" Hulk prompted, petting his hair gently.
"I guess I just wanted to say, thanks for taking care of me, tiny," said Bucky.
"Welcome," Hulk said. Then he chuffed. "Hulk not tiny."
Bucky gave a lopsided smile. "Neither's Steve anymore, and I still call him runt. It's a family joke. What, you never had any of those?"
Hulk shrugged and looked away. "Family bad."
"Well then you need a better family, with jokes -- tiny," said Bucky.
"Better now. Hulk be tiny for Bucky," the giant agreed.
* * *
Notes:
Honey doesn't actually spoil because of its antimicrobial qualities. However, it can carry inactive botulism spores, which under certain circumstances may cause problems.
(These links are sad.)
Post-traumatic stress comes from surviving horrific events. Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder, aka Compound-PTSD, comes from experiencing not a single disaster but a series of them or a period of extended abuse. PDSD can be harder to treat if the person never had an experience of being safe or getting help, or if times of safety repeatedly fell back into awfulness again. All survivors of mad science torture should be presumed to have PDSD until they can be assessed individually, and should receive trauma-informed care. Understand how to help someone with traumatic stress.
(These links are touchy.)
The core of trauma-informed care is asking "What happened to you?" instead of "What is wrong with you?" This forms the basis of the principles and practices. There are instructions for supporting trauma survivors and working through your own trauma. First responders typically have workplace procedures to minimize the risk of developing PTSD.
Some people, especially veterans with traumatic stress, have intense fear of hurting others. This causes unhealthy levels of anxiety, but the common recommendation of exposure therapy can make matters worse. Obviously, that would be a disaster for Bucky. O_O Fortunately, there are other options. A much gentler version is counterconditioning, where you approach a trigger only as far as you still feel comfortable and then apply copious positive input. That breaks down the previous negative associations, without the high-risk, high-stress aspects of exposure therapy. Trying to avoid any distressing thought is difficult; the "no mind" approach is the hardest form of meditation. But replacing unwelcome thoughts with something desirable is much easier! For example, meditations on lovingkindness increase positive emotions and actions. This isn't woo; this is do-it-yourself brain rewiring that makes measurable changes. Compare these brain images of novice and expert meditators for evidence. If you worry about whether you are a good person, you can perform good deeds, and then your goodness will be a demonstration of fact, not a belief. If you want to be virtuous, then get a list of virtues and work on practicing each of them for a day, a week, or whatever. To do is to be.
Self-blame is a form of internalized emotional abuse, common among survivors of abuse or other trauma. Bucky's traumatic past has left him with a tendency to blame himself. Follow the steps to let go of self-blame.
Abandonment comes in many forms, and can cause serious issues. Having survived mad science torture, Bucky worries that people will dump him for being too dangerous or bothersome. This is a problem, and it is not going to go away quickly just because he's in a better situation now, because the present grates against the past. On the bright side, you couldn't pry Steve away from him with a crowbar, so at least it's a baseless fear. Understand how to overcome the fear of abandonment.
Nicknames can enhance bonding.
[To be continued in Part 9 ...]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-13 04:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-13 01:46 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2020-04-13 09:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-13 03:37 pm (UTC)Yes ...
Date: 2020-04-13 09:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-13 09:09 pm (UTC)Well ...
Date: 2020-04-13 10:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-14 02:23 pm (UTC)I hope I get more time to read tomorrow. (Edit: this refused to post in a timely manner, so it's now tomorrow and I do indeed have more time to read~!)
Yes ...
Date: 2020-04-14 08:14 pm (UTC)