Story: "Am I Not" Part 5
May. 14th, 2014 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
Here ends "Am I Not." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Next up, tomorrow I'm going to offer a story inspired by Norse mythology, about Loki and Odin, in exchange for audience interaction. After that, we'll switch back to Love Is For Children with "Blended."
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
"Am I Not" Part 5
Loki had used the staff to secure their service. He had used it shamelessly, because it was all he had. Loki wished for men to desire him as their lord, to follow him, to admire him. If they would not of their own accord, why then he would make them.
But he was ashamed, in the end, wasn't he? Ashamed that he could not hold the kind of court that Thor could, forever cast in his brother's shadow while followers flocked to Thor like geese when a baker flings bread. Instead all of Loki's efforts failed, as usual.
Trapped, waiting for his captors to come and snatch him up again -- Loki could do nothing to stop it. His whole world would pay the price for his folly. No one would believe him if he tried to warn them. They never did. Sometimes Loki wondered why he wasted his breath.
Hope, I suppose, he said to himself. But then that went over the edge of the Bifröst, did it not?
Still Loki could not help himself. He would think of something. He had to. There was nobody else to do it. He could not let Asgard fall to the machinations of the Other, not without at least trying to save it. Even if it had never truly been his home, it was dear to his mother. For her sake he would dare even failure.
With a sigh, Loki turned his attention to the books she had left for him. They were old, and dusty, held together more by preservation spells than by ancient leather. The scent of his mother's magic clung to them like perfume. Loki picked up the uppermost volume and pressed his cheek against it, trying to capture the fleeting impression of her fingers upon the cover. He brushed the dust away, and the title glittered silver in elvish runes.
His mother had introduced him to the magic of the Ljósálfar when he was no more than a stripling. Challenging as it was, it had captivated his attention more than most of Asgard's offerings on the topic. That had led to his mad adventures among the uppermost twigs of Yggdrasil. But surely this was a mistake, Frigga could not have meant --
Loki caught his breath.
Do the work your tutors have left for you ...
If he could use the things she had sent to him, books and flasks and brazier and all, so very innocuous, so plausibly deniable, except that he had never needed the whole of a sorcerer's workspace when the best of his power lay beneath his own skin, such that these few tidbits meant far more than they seemed in his hands. If he could take advantage of the time he was given to study, months or years or however long it took. If he could find out what had been done to him. If he could find a way to undo it. Then he would have a chance, and by the Norns he would take it, whatever the cost.
Loki was nothing, if not his mother's son. This he could do.
... and then you may go play.
* * *
Notes:
Many people want to be liked, but it's better to be yourself. People may also want to be respected or admired. There are ways to stop seeking approval. Loki craves affirmation from other people because he got too little of it growing up, and starving people do crazy things sometimes.
There are many definitions of shame. It can turn toxic, and shame-based people suffer a lot of problems. Know how to overcome shame. The most important thing here is Loki's honesty with himself: admitting that what he did to Clint and Eric was disgraceful, did not meet his needs, and only made him feel worse. So Loki isn't likely to repeat that mistake.
False love can be toxic. Understand how to distinguish between healthy real love and harmful false love. What feelings the staff created in Clint and Eric were artificial, and therefore unsatisfying. What Clint, Eric, and Loki felt about each other on their own was muddied by the manipulation but still genuine, and will remain for them to deal with later.
Hope is sweet when present and bitter when lost. There are ways to overcome hopelessness, including particular advice for different types of it. Loki's suicide attempt was spurred by a loss of hope when Odin made it clear that nothing Loki did would ever be good enough.
The Ljósálfar or light elves appear in Norse mythology and Marvel canon. They are associated with magic, including the ability to pass through doors or travel the branches of Yggdrasil. Given that Loki and Frigga have magic, but Asgard seems to look down on such things, it's likely that at least some of their knowledge comes from places where people respect it more. Here's a good essay about their use of magic in Thor 2: The Dark World.
Plausible deniability originally had political connotations. In certain subcultures, however -- kink and Paganism among them -- it refers instead to the use of ordinary objects for ulterior purposes. A wooden spoon makes a fine whapping toy; a candle is equally useful for blackouts or rituals. In this case, Loki's cell is full of stuff that any sorcerer could use for spellcasting, but which the battle-minded Asgardian guards would never recognize as any kind of credible threat. In essence, Frigga slipped him a nail file in a cake that nobody would look for. You don't give a master sorcerer books unless you want to stage a jailbreak. How do we know it's Frigga? Nobody else gives a fuck about Loki and all the other cells were barren. The goodies had to come from her.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
Here ends "Am I Not." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Next up, tomorrow I'm going to offer a story inspired by Norse mythology, about Loki and Odin, in exchange for audience interaction. After that, we'll switch back to Love Is For Children with "Blended."
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
"Am I Not" Part 5
Loki had used the staff to secure their service. He had used it shamelessly, because it was all he had. Loki wished for men to desire him as their lord, to follow him, to admire him. If they would not of their own accord, why then he would make them.
But he was ashamed, in the end, wasn't he? Ashamed that he could not hold the kind of court that Thor could, forever cast in his brother's shadow while followers flocked to Thor like geese when a baker flings bread. Instead all of Loki's efforts failed, as usual.
Trapped, waiting for his captors to come and snatch him up again -- Loki could do nothing to stop it. His whole world would pay the price for his folly. No one would believe him if he tried to warn them. They never did. Sometimes Loki wondered why he wasted his breath.
Hope, I suppose, he said to himself. But then that went over the edge of the Bifröst, did it not?
Still Loki could not help himself. He would think of something. He had to. There was nobody else to do it. He could not let Asgard fall to the machinations of the Other, not without at least trying to save it. Even if it had never truly been his home, it was dear to his mother. For her sake he would dare even failure.
With a sigh, Loki turned his attention to the books she had left for him. They were old, and dusty, held together more by preservation spells than by ancient leather. The scent of his mother's magic clung to them like perfume. Loki picked up the uppermost volume and pressed his cheek against it, trying to capture the fleeting impression of her fingers upon the cover. He brushed the dust away, and the title glittered silver in elvish runes.
His mother had introduced him to the magic of the Ljósálfar when he was no more than a stripling. Challenging as it was, it had captivated his attention more than most of Asgard's offerings on the topic. That had led to his mad adventures among the uppermost twigs of Yggdrasil. But surely this was a mistake, Frigga could not have meant --
Loki caught his breath.
Do the work your tutors have left for you ...
If he could use the things she had sent to him, books and flasks and brazier and all, so very innocuous, so plausibly deniable, except that he had never needed the whole of a sorcerer's workspace when the best of his power lay beneath his own skin, such that these few tidbits meant far more than they seemed in his hands. If he could take advantage of the time he was given to study, months or years or however long it took. If he could find out what had been done to him. If he could find a way to undo it. Then he would have a chance, and by the Norns he would take it, whatever the cost.
Loki was nothing, if not his mother's son. This he could do.
... and then you may go play.
* * *
Notes:
Many people want to be liked, but it's better to be yourself. People may also want to be respected or admired. There are ways to stop seeking approval. Loki craves affirmation from other people because he got too little of it growing up, and starving people do crazy things sometimes.
There are many definitions of shame. It can turn toxic, and shame-based people suffer a lot of problems. Know how to overcome shame. The most important thing here is Loki's honesty with himself: admitting that what he did to Clint and Eric was disgraceful, did not meet his needs, and only made him feel worse. So Loki isn't likely to repeat that mistake.
False love can be toxic. Understand how to distinguish between healthy real love and harmful false love. What feelings the staff created in Clint and Eric were artificial, and therefore unsatisfying. What Clint, Eric, and Loki felt about each other on their own was muddied by the manipulation but still genuine, and will remain for them to deal with later.
Hope is sweet when present and bitter when lost. There are ways to overcome hopelessness, including particular advice for different types of it. Loki's suicide attempt was spurred by a loss of hope when Odin made it clear that nothing Loki did would ever be good enough.
The Ljósálfar or light elves appear in Norse mythology and Marvel canon. They are associated with magic, including the ability to pass through doors or travel the branches of Yggdrasil. Given that Loki and Frigga have magic, but Asgard seems to look down on such things, it's likely that at least some of their knowledge comes from places where people respect it more. Here's a good essay about their use of magic in Thor 2: The Dark World.
Plausible deniability originally had political connotations. In certain subcultures, however -- kink and Paganism among them -- it refers instead to the use of ordinary objects for ulterior purposes. A wooden spoon makes a fine whapping toy; a candle is equally useful for blackouts or rituals. In this case, Loki's cell is full of stuff that any sorcerer could use for spellcasting, but which the battle-minded Asgardian guards would never recognize as any kind of credible threat. In essence, Frigga slipped him a nail file in a cake that nobody would look for. You don't give a master sorcerer books unless you want to stage a jailbreak. How do we know it's Frigga? Nobody else gives a fuck about Loki and all the other cells were barren. The goodies had to come from her.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
(no subject)
Date: 2014-05-14 07:38 pm (UTC)Good for Loki, being honest with himself. I do hope he and Thor get to join Game Night, but that's going to involve some serious ouch with Clint. On the other hand - his wanting them to desire him, to desire to serve him - that's a note that rings true and clear, and I wonder how Phil in particular will react to that, since it isn't an ingredient anyone else really seems to bring to the mix.
I'd be very interested in the potential sparks between that element of Loki, and the Avengers whose expression of affection revolves around service. It could so easily be toxic - but if it weren't, it'd be beautiful.
Even if not, this peek into Loki and Frigga in this universe has been very satisfying. I love your portrayal of her as intelligent, sneaky, and still in hotter waters than she can handle alone.
Thank you!
Date: 2014-05-17 05:28 am (UTC)Yes, it does. Some stories in this series are fluff, but this is one of the edgier stories. Marvel really set up the dysfunctional family dynamics in Asgard.
>> (I like it! But I also like your habit of warning All The Things.) <<
I'm glad I could help.
>> Good for Loki, being honest with himself. <<
In some ways, he really does know himself, despite what Frigga said. (And sheesh, way to throw rocks from a big glass house, lady.) But there are places he has some awful blind spots. Loki has, at this point, clarified a lot of his feelings about Clint and Eric.
>> I do hope he and Thor get to join Game Night, <<
That's the plan, if I have time to carry the series that far.
>> but that's going to involve some serious ouch with Clint. <<
Yes, it will. Clint is still hurting from what happened between them, but unlike Loki, he has the advantage of a great support network. So Clint is making terrific progress on this topic. By the time Loki arrives, Clint is going to be waaayyy ahead.
That changes the dynamic between them from what is usually rendered in fanfic; almost everything is some flavor of "Clint tries to or actually does kill Loki for mindraping him," "Loki abuses Clint all over again," or "Clint wanted it all along and everything is fine." So there is very little about them working through the mess they've made of each other, really dealing with what you do when your fucked up childhood has made you hurt someone you care about -- which applies to both of them, because remember, Clint was fighting even though some of what Loki offered did appeal to him.
>> On the other hand - his wanting them to desire him, to desire to serve him - that's a note that rings true and clear, <<
I'm glad that works for you. I think it's a vital part of Loki's personality. He craves respect and he wants people of his own, not just sloppy seconds from Thor. What he really wants -- personal servants, friends, and colleagues -- is hidden under what he claims to want, ruling Midgard.
>> and I wonder how Phil in particular will react to that, since it isn't an ingredient anyone else really seems to bring to the mix. <<
Phil wants what is best for the team as a whole and for the members as individuals. In order for Clint and Thor to heal, they need to repair their relationships with Loki. The potential conflict of loyalties can be resolved if Loki can be brought all the way into the teamfamily instead of hanging off the edge and dragging it out of balance like he is now. They can't just abandon Loki; cut him, Clint and Thor both bleed. It helps that Clint's subordinate relationship to Phil and Loki is different, so they're not directly competing for him. But it's still going to be very sticky for a while.
>> I'd be very interested in the potential sparks between that element of Loki, and the Avengers whose expression of affection revolves around service. It could so easily be toxic - but if it weren't, it'd be beautiful. <<
The toxic aspect comes from the fact that Loki both craves and resists having anyone take care of him. Look how he fights with Frigga when she is honestly trying to help him (however mangled by her relationship with Odin). Loki was able to do it with Clint because Clint was under his control. Accepting that kind of intimacy from anyone else will be difficult, even if he needs it, perhaps especially if he needs it.
Bruce is going to be worried as hell about Loki, because Loki is so obviously broken and Bruce is such a nannyhammer. Steve doesn't like bullies, and most of the people in Loki's life -- including Thor -- regularly bullied him. Which is going to drag Bucky in too, because he's the one who gave Steve that imprint in the first place. So that's going to mess up whatever progress Thor has made in merging with the team.
The real tangle is with Phil and Clint, though, because Loki and Clint touched minds. That creates an extremely intimate connection that tends to spill over memories. So now Clint sees Thor partially through Loki's memories; and Loki sees Phil partly through Clint's memories. Loki's instincts will be screaming that nobody can be trusted, while Clint's memories will be urging him to lean on Phil, especially when Phil is trying to take care of him. Conversely Clint still has his awareness of what Loki wants and needs, and a desire to serve, because Clint is a follower at heart and Loki chose him. But Clint is also touchy as hell on the topic of mind control and without the staff holding him steady, he is going to wobble like fuck, trying desperately not to want what he wants and know what he knows.
And Natasha, who hates Loki, is going to chop his heart to dogmeat because in Clint's memories she is his sister.
>> Even if not, this peek into Loki and Frigga in this universe has been very satisfying. <<
Yay! I'm happy to hear that.
>> I love your portrayal of her as intelligent, sneaky, and still in hotter waters than she can handle alone. <<
No matter how powerful you are, there's always something beyond your ability to solve completely. Domestic abuse is a hellish nightmare, especially when people around you are going, "Why doesn't she hit back? Why doesn't she just leave?" But it's never that simple.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-01 12:56 am (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-01 07:29 pm (UTC)It takes a strong person to survive all the crap he's come through, to know what he wants and pursue that. In The Avengers Clint was overwhelmed by a superior force; it happens. He still tends to blame himself for what happened, but he's getting better now that folks around him are pointing out how it wasn't his fault. (Some of the asshats in SHIELD are a different story.) Admitting that he enjoyed some of the interactions with Loki is going to be a lot harder.
>> Followship is a dangerous urge to have sometimes, because people assume they can take advantage of you; I feel sometimes like I'm balancing a tightrope between my desire to follow and serve a good leader and not wanting to be taken advantage of or seen as weak, and it's not something I enjoy. <<
It can be very challenging. Of course, leadership has its pitfalls too. I've written about this in "Balancing Powers."
One reason I want to explore this thread with Clint and Loki is to look at how a healthy relationship develops between follower and leader -- even if it got started in a pretty fucked-up way.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-01 07:49 pm (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-02 03:39 am (UTC)That's true too. People routinely underestimate Hawkeye and Black Widow for that reason. But neither of them will tolerate a handler they dislike. Barton bucks them off with balls and sass, Romanova with creepy threats or sexual wiles, but it works. They're a good fit with Coulson precisely because he knows manipulation himself, and because he respects his assets.
And that's how Loki slipped through Hawkeye's inner armor. The staff was only about power. Hawkeye's been rolled before, in various ways; he could've dealt with that. What knocked him so totally off-balance was that Loki treated him as a valued ally instead of like livestock. Think about their dialog:
Loki: "What did it show you?"
Hawkeye: "My next target."
Loki: "What do you need?"
Hawkeye: "A distraction and an eyeball."
Loki asked what he saw, what he needed, and then just did that.
Which puts him in a subset of exactly two, Coulson being the other person who values Hawkeye that much. Loki has an edge in that he picked Hawkeye out of a roomful of people. Coulson has an edge in that Hawkeye serves him willingly. It's a hell of a tangle in there, and it hurts, and that's why Clint couldn't sleep properly for several months after the Battle of Manhattan.
>> I love the article! <<
Thank you!
>> And I can't wait to see Clint and Loki interacting again. <<
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-02 03:44 am (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-02 06:15 am (UTC)Sorry to hear about the shitty leaders.
>> especially since it was pretty clear *Loki* was as enslaved as the others (his eyes should be green, not blue--I'm amazed Thor missed that, but he only saw Loki's eyes close-up on the mountain, and it was pretty dark, so maybe that was it). <<
True. Loki looked like hell when he landed: sweaty, swaying on his feet, dark shadows under his eyes, erratic behavior, etc. That pretty well screams "torture victim" in context even before the scene with them mind-raping him through the staff. Another clue is the moment of relief right after Loki claims Hawkeye: because a mental connection with someone else spreads out the shock. Hawkeye was fresh, trained in withstanding torture, and fucking stubborn. So he was able to shore up Loki's efforts to stay upright.
>> Loki has potential to naturally be a good leader, which makes it even more painful for Clint. <<
Exactly. Clint sees everything, and he sees better from a distance. Looking across the realms at Loki's family? With an abusive father and love/hate brotherly relationship? So much pain. So much resonance.
>> Being a natural follower means you deal with shitty 'leaders' all. The. Time. Experiencing a good leader *that* way? *shudders* <<
Ghastly, yes. It's like how rape is worse if the victim has an orgasm. (Also something Clint has survived, and that parallel isn't helping.)
>> I'll be amazed if he ever forgives Loki, even though I wish he could so he can experience that again. <<
I wouldn't bring them back together from this angle if I didn't mean to heal the breach. They both want it, and that is what makes it possible. They're willing to do the work. It'll just be harder for Loki because Clint is way ahead of him on personal growth.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-02 02:39 pm (UTC)...someone did *what* to Clint? *readies baseball bat* If only I could break te fourth wall...
XD I can't wait!
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-15 01:17 am (UTC)Also true.
>> And oh, jeeze, Clint is going to have Words for Odin, if he ever meets him... <<
Oh, Clint will have more than words, if I have time to write that far. He can be a very subtle man when he wants to be, and a devastating enemy. He will go quite far in pursuit of his goals, often in directions nobody expects. Now consider how Clint is going to feel about Sleipnir, with Loki's memories in his head.
>> ...someone did *what* to Clint? *readies baseball bat* If only I could break te fourth wall... <<
It's one of the easiest ways to break an enemy operative, especially if you're short on time and/or you don't want to risk killing them. Or if someone gets captured by assholes they may just do it for fun and dominance, as men do in prisons.
Of course, the bad guys don't know that Clint has already survived a lifetime of abuse, most of it physical rather than sexual, but he knows all the tricks. It's not like they'd live to regret their mistakes once Black Widow and/or Agent Coulson catch up to them.
>> XD I can't wait! <<
Yay!
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-15 02:01 am (UTC)I dearly hope they got to meet their end via Black Widow.