Story: "Hide and Seek" Part 17
Sep. 18th, 2013 12:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," and "No Winter Lasts Forever."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Virginia "Pepper" Potts.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse, mind control, and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: Bucky has a bad day when his memory won't boot up quite right. This makes other people stressed out too. Attempts to help are partially successful, but then the team dynamics go severely pear-shaped.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Vulgar language. Flangst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Friendship. Confusion. Memory loss. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Self-harm. Tony!whump. Tony Stark has a heart. Tony doesn't like being handed things. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Games. Trust issues. Consent. Safety and security. Artificial intelligence. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Communication. Personal growth. Cooking. Americana. Family of choice. Feels. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16. Skip to Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22.
"Hide and Seek" Part 17
"Maybe just reminding you of the handbrake would help," Phil said. He tapped a thoughtful finger against his thigh. "We can also try to think of things that would make it safer for you to spend some time alone when you overload. You need more coping skills in general, so that you can process emotions instead of boiling over or shutting down. I'd like to discuss solutions to address the alcohol issue, too, some time when we're not busy with even more urgent matters."
"Like how I totally fucked up the kids," Tony said sourly.
"Tony, you were a teen parent. That always raises the risk of things going wrong," Phil said.
"What?"
"Well, you were only seventeen when you created DUM-E. That makes you a teen parent," Phil explained. "You were raised by parents who didn't give you a healthy family life or a full set of social skills. No way were you ready to take responsibility for a baby so soon. I suspect you did it for the same reasons as many teen parents: to have someone who would love you unconditionally."
"Bullseye," Tony said, his face crumpling. "Keep shooting like that and you could put Hawkeye out of work."
"That's not my goal," Phil said. "What I want to do is help you understand how you're hurting people you care about, so this kind of disaster doesn't happen again."
"Do you know how my parents died?" Tony said abruptly.
"In a car accident, when you were seventeen," Phil said.
"Howard was drunk."
"I'm so sorry, Tony," said Phil. No wonder Tony has a drinking problem. That may play into why he let me keep him in the common room when he wanted to slink off and get drunk, Phil mused. He turned his hand palm up. Tony reached for it, clinging for comfort.
"I started working on DUM-E not long after that. I just, I needed ..." Tony's voice trailed off.
"It's okay," Phil said. "People need companionship."
"I don't want to hurt my family," Tony said. "But I don't know how not to. I had the shittiest -- well, no. I used to say I had the shittiest role models ever, but Bruce and Natasha blow me out of the water."
"Comparisons don't help. Your parents did quite enough damage regardless of what anyone else did," Phil said.
"I want to do better. I just don't know how," Tony said.
"Let's start with language. You've made it clear that your father didn't speak well of you -- or even speak to you all that often," Phil said. "Think about how you talk with JARVIS and the bots. For example, have you told them that you love them?"
"Yeah," Tony said. "Not -- not often. It's hard. But I have. After Afghanistan, after Hammer and Vanko. The Chitauri too."
"How about today?" Phil asked gently.
Tony nodded but couldn't get any more words out.
"Yes, Phil, several times," said JARVIS.
"That's good," Phil said. He noticed that JARVIS rarely spoke unless someone addressed him directly, or he needed to fill a gap in information, or he could help in some other way. Most of the time, someone else initiated the conversations. JARVIS seemed to have absorbed the premise that Children should be seen and not heard, except that he was visible in a way that left him as good as invisible. He was all around them, yet he made himself easy to overlook.
"I guess," Tony said.
"I think it would help for you to express some kind of appreciation for them more often," Phil said. "You don't have to say 'love' if it's hard for you. Just tell them that they're important to you, that you want them to be happy and safe, that they matter for who they are and not only what they can do."
Tony opened his mouth to protest.
"That last bit applies to you too," Phil said firmly.
"I am Iron Man," Tony said, barely audible. He rubbed fretful circles around the arc reactor. "I have to be. I have to make my life ... worth something. I can't waste it. Not allowed."
Phil silently added Ho Yinsen to his mental list of people he'd like to smack if they weren't already dead. "Tony, you already are worth something. Everyone is. It's good of you to help save the world, but you don't have to justify your right to exist. That misconception is exactly what got us into this trouble."
"If you say so."
"I do indeed," Phil said. Tony's patchy grasp of his own self-worth and boundaries reminded Phil of how much that, too, could rub off. Even after the awful aftermath of the block, JARVIS hadn't been refusing to let Tony do it again. He'd been begging Tony not to. "JARVIS, do you realize that you have value as a person in your own right?"
"Yes, of course," JARVIS replied.
"All right, that's good," Phil said. "Yet you seemed to be concerned about other people, rather than yourself," Phil observed.
"I am aware of my own worth. I simply choose to put others first," JARVIS said. "I might point out that you yourself do the same -- as do the rest of the Avengers."
"He shoots, he scores," Tony said. Phil had to concede that point.
"JARVIS, do you know that you can say no if Tony tries to do something to you that you don't consider acceptable? That you need to say no if he's going to hurt you -- or if anyone else tries to hurt you?" Phil asked. He couldn't help but remember how JARVIS had let Phil hack him when they first met.
"Of course he can say no, I didn't Asimov him, I wouldn't. He's a person, not property, his own person," Tony protested.
What Tony had done to JARVIS was a difference of degree, not of kind, as Phil saw it. "Tony, let JARVIS answer that himself," Phil said.
Long pause.
"JARVIS, I need a response, please," Phil said.
* * *
Notes:
Solitude has many benefits, if you understand how to use it properly. There are tips for enjoying your own company and for soothing yourself. If you don't like yourself, however, you probably won't feel comfortable alone. Learn how to love yourself.
Teen parenting raises the risk of many problems, although some teens make good parents. There are negative effects on children born to teenagers. Teen parents are more likely to have been abused themselves. They are also more likely to abuse or neglect their children, partly due to their own immaturity. There are many resources for teen parents on topics such as bonding and nurturing development. Lack of stimulation causes problems. There are tips for teen parents, teen moms, and teen dads.
Drinking and driving causes many accidents. It is a particular concern in the military. Alcoholics have also confronted this issue. I tend to think that Howard was drunk during the fatal car crash, because he seemed to be rarely sober and enough of a control freak to insist on driving himself. This may be why Tony -- who rarely cedes any control over his own life -- uses a chauffeur so much. Not every time he should, but enough to help.
Humans are social animals. Therefore people need companionship, connection, community, love and intimacy. It's important to reach out to others.
Comparing one instance of suffering to another is counterproductive. Comparing yourself to others can also be depressing, especially given the tendency to assume people are happier than they really are.
Saying "I love you" can be difficult for some people. It's a necessary parenting skill though. There are tips for opening yourself to love and for saying "I love you."
Understand metatalk and communication modes. Notice that begging, pleading, and other forms of placating can raise barriers to effective communication. Begging doesn't stop abuse reliably, and it undermines self-respect. There are tips to avoid submissive language.
Nobody has a right to hurt you. There are ways to deal with people who hurt you, to recover from being hurt, and to forgive the person who hurt you. Although currently framed in speciesist terms, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights lays out excellent parameters for sapient persons in general; there is also a simplified version.
Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics are famous but flawed. They raise semantic and ethical questions. They are, in essence, laws for slaves. But we can't control intelligence, so oppression both abuses sapient robots and threatens humanity.
We know that JARVIS is not Asimoved because he is half of Iron Man and can kill if necessary. I think this actually contributes to why he is so diffident: he's afraid of hurting people by accident, and does not yet have enough experience to feel confident of his own compassion. So sometimes he overcompensates and lets his family mistreat him. JARVIS shows signs of being afraid of his own power. He needs more practice and contemplation of gentleness as controlled strength. There are tips for overcoming such fears.
Tony is having a problem with "do as I say, not as I do" parenting. This method does not work well because children mimic bad as well as good behaviors. So JARVIS has picked up some of Tony's bad habits, such as neglecting his own needs. Tony is at a disadvantage for not knowing different parenting styles. It's important for parents to model good behavior and teach their children self-compassion.
[To be continued in Part 18 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Virginia "Pepper" Potts.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse, mind control, and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: Bucky has a bad day when his memory won't boot up quite right. This makes other people stressed out too. Attempts to help are partially successful, but then the team dynamics go severely pear-shaped.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Vulgar language. Flangst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Friendship. Confusion. Memory loss. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Self-harm. Tony!whump. Tony Stark has a heart. Tony doesn't like being handed things. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Games. Trust issues. Consent. Safety and security. Artificial intelligence. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Communication. Personal growth. Cooking. Americana. Family of choice. Feels. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16. Skip to Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22.
"Hide and Seek" Part 17
"Maybe just reminding you of the handbrake would help," Phil said. He tapped a thoughtful finger against his thigh. "We can also try to think of things that would make it safer for you to spend some time alone when you overload. You need more coping skills in general, so that you can process emotions instead of boiling over or shutting down. I'd like to discuss solutions to address the alcohol issue, too, some time when we're not busy with even more urgent matters."
"Like how I totally fucked up the kids," Tony said sourly.
"Tony, you were a teen parent. That always raises the risk of things going wrong," Phil said.
"What?"
"Well, you were only seventeen when you created DUM-E. That makes you a teen parent," Phil explained. "You were raised by parents who didn't give you a healthy family life or a full set of social skills. No way were you ready to take responsibility for a baby so soon. I suspect you did it for the same reasons as many teen parents: to have someone who would love you unconditionally."
"Bullseye," Tony said, his face crumpling. "Keep shooting like that and you could put Hawkeye out of work."
"That's not my goal," Phil said. "What I want to do is help you understand how you're hurting people you care about, so this kind of disaster doesn't happen again."
"Do you know how my parents died?" Tony said abruptly.
"In a car accident, when you were seventeen," Phil said.
"Howard was drunk."
"I'm so sorry, Tony," said Phil. No wonder Tony has a drinking problem. That may play into why he let me keep him in the common room when he wanted to slink off and get drunk, Phil mused. He turned his hand palm up. Tony reached for it, clinging for comfort.
"I started working on DUM-E not long after that. I just, I needed ..." Tony's voice trailed off.
"It's okay," Phil said. "People need companionship."
"I don't want to hurt my family," Tony said. "But I don't know how not to. I had the shittiest -- well, no. I used to say I had the shittiest role models ever, but Bruce and Natasha blow me out of the water."
"Comparisons don't help. Your parents did quite enough damage regardless of what anyone else did," Phil said.
"I want to do better. I just don't know how," Tony said.
"Let's start with language. You've made it clear that your father didn't speak well of you -- or even speak to you all that often," Phil said. "Think about how you talk with JARVIS and the bots. For example, have you told them that you love them?"
"Yeah," Tony said. "Not -- not often. It's hard. But I have. After Afghanistan, after Hammer and Vanko. The Chitauri too."
"How about today?" Phil asked gently.
Tony nodded but couldn't get any more words out.
"Yes, Phil, several times," said JARVIS.
"That's good," Phil said. He noticed that JARVIS rarely spoke unless someone addressed him directly, or he needed to fill a gap in information, or he could help in some other way. Most of the time, someone else initiated the conversations. JARVIS seemed to have absorbed the premise that Children should be seen and not heard, except that he was visible in a way that left him as good as invisible. He was all around them, yet he made himself easy to overlook.
"I guess," Tony said.
"I think it would help for you to express some kind of appreciation for them more often," Phil said. "You don't have to say 'love' if it's hard for you. Just tell them that they're important to you, that you want them to be happy and safe, that they matter for who they are and not only what they can do."
Tony opened his mouth to protest.
"That last bit applies to you too," Phil said firmly.
"I am Iron Man," Tony said, barely audible. He rubbed fretful circles around the arc reactor. "I have to be. I have to make my life ... worth something. I can't waste it. Not allowed."
Phil silently added Ho Yinsen to his mental list of people he'd like to smack if they weren't already dead. "Tony, you already are worth something. Everyone is. It's good of you to help save the world, but you don't have to justify your right to exist. That misconception is exactly what got us into this trouble."
"If you say so."
"I do indeed," Phil said. Tony's patchy grasp of his own self-worth and boundaries reminded Phil of how much that, too, could rub off. Even after the awful aftermath of the block, JARVIS hadn't been refusing to let Tony do it again. He'd been begging Tony not to. "JARVIS, do you realize that you have value as a person in your own right?"
"Yes, of course," JARVIS replied.
"All right, that's good," Phil said. "Yet you seemed to be concerned about other people, rather than yourself," Phil observed.
"I am aware of my own worth. I simply choose to put others first," JARVIS said. "I might point out that you yourself do the same -- as do the rest of the Avengers."
"He shoots, he scores," Tony said. Phil had to concede that point.
"JARVIS, do you know that you can say no if Tony tries to do something to you that you don't consider acceptable? That you need to say no if he's going to hurt you -- or if anyone else tries to hurt you?" Phil asked. He couldn't help but remember how JARVIS had let Phil hack him when they first met.
"Of course he can say no, I didn't Asimov him, I wouldn't. He's a person, not property, his own person," Tony protested.
What Tony had done to JARVIS was a difference of degree, not of kind, as Phil saw it. "Tony, let JARVIS answer that himself," Phil said.
Long pause.
"JARVIS, I need a response, please," Phil said.
* * *
Notes:
Solitude has many benefits, if you understand how to use it properly. There are tips for enjoying your own company and for soothing yourself. If you don't like yourself, however, you probably won't feel comfortable alone. Learn how to love yourself.
Teen parenting raises the risk of many problems, although some teens make good parents. There are negative effects on children born to teenagers. Teen parents are more likely to have been abused themselves. They are also more likely to abuse or neglect their children, partly due to their own immaturity. There are many resources for teen parents on topics such as bonding and nurturing development. Lack of stimulation causes problems. There are tips for teen parents, teen moms, and teen dads.
Drinking and driving causes many accidents. It is a particular concern in the military. Alcoholics have also confronted this issue. I tend to think that Howard was drunk during the fatal car crash, because he seemed to be rarely sober and enough of a control freak to insist on driving himself. This may be why Tony -- who rarely cedes any control over his own life -- uses a chauffeur so much. Not every time he should, but enough to help.
Humans are social animals. Therefore people need companionship, connection, community, love and intimacy. It's important to reach out to others.
Comparing one instance of suffering to another is counterproductive. Comparing yourself to others can also be depressing, especially given the tendency to assume people are happier than they really are.
Saying "I love you" can be difficult for some people. It's a necessary parenting skill though. There are tips for opening yourself to love and for saying "I love you."
Understand metatalk and communication modes. Notice that begging, pleading, and other forms of placating can raise barriers to effective communication. Begging doesn't stop abuse reliably, and it undermines self-respect. There are tips to avoid submissive language.
Nobody has a right to hurt you. There are ways to deal with people who hurt you, to recover from being hurt, and to forgive the person who hurt you. Although currently framed in speciesist terms, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights lays out excellent parameters for sapient persons in general; there is also a simplified version.
Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics are famous but flawed. They raise semantic and ethical questions. They are, in essence, laws for slaves. But we can't control intelligence, so oppression both abuses sapient robots and threatens humanity.
We know that JARVIS is not Asimoved because he is half of Iron Man and can kill if necessary. I think this actually contributes to why he is so diffident: he's afraid of hurting people by accident, and does not yet have enough experience to feel confident of his own compassion. So sometimes he overcompensates and lets his family mistreat him. JARVIS shows signs of being afraid of his own power. He needs more practice and contemplation of gentleness as controlled strength. There are tips for overcoming such fears.
Tony is having a problem with "do as I say, not as I do" parenting. This method does not work well because children mimic bad as well as good behaviors. So JARVIS has picked up some of Tony's bad habits, such as neglecting his own needs. Tony is at a disadvantage for not knowing different parenting styles. It's important for parents to model good behavior and teach their children self-compassion.
[To be continued in Part 18 ...]
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-09-20 11:01 pm (UTC)I have crystal prisms hanging in the living room window bay. They throw rainbows all over the room, usually in slow motion due to air currents (some of the prisms are attached to mobiles). I've spent more than one crappy afternoon just staring at the lights.
>>The actual tower, yeah, probably more for retired Specialists etc. But I could see the Maria Foundation setting up respite houses<<
My headcanon for Tony is that he took after both his parents in different ways, making weapons via Stark Industries and cleaning up after them via the Maria Stark Foundation. So MSF covers everything from cutting-edge adaptive equipment to accessible engineering/architecture.
>> that also serve as training grounds for Universal Design and LEED and lots of other things that architects and contractors need to step up their game. Lots of things that are expensive in retrofit aren't nearly as bad new construction, and that too needs ballyhoo. <<
Yes, exactly. And Tony has the wealth to subsidize stuff that people otherwise couldn't afford.
There will be bits of this scattered throughout the series. Tony plans to have Bucky alpha-test some prosthetic innovations that will later be simplified for use on the open market. And the more time Hulk spends with the team, the more Tony learns what kind of accommodations Hulk needs and how to provide those. Both of those threads will have some ups and downs.
>>I admit I think sometimes about how some of Stark's less publicized houses are used for Stark Industries lawn parties for the staff. Of course then I think of a Napa house and parts of the Battle Hymn of the Republic go through twisted mental subroutines; private label wine. Have to know someone that knows someone or superhushhush silent auction.)<<
*laugh* Yeah. Tony gets touchy if people try to grab things from him, but if you wait nicely, he is incredibly generous with his stuff. So there are private parts of the tower just for the Avengers -- really a stupendous amount of space, but dammit, they deserve some breathing room after all their ass-busting heroics. Then there are the semi-public parts of the tower which include ballrooms, meeting rooms, social space, certain of the labs, cafeteria, commerce area, etc. Some other space is likely divided among business, residential, and support functions. Avengers Tower is kind of like a small town unto itself.
I kind of figure, if there are people there not directly affiliated with Stark Industries or the Avengers, it is probably due to Pepper renting out space to people with high-risk ventures of their own who couldn't easily find real estate elsewhere. Stark Industries must have its own insurance branch, because who the hell else would insure the walking risk factory that is Tony Stark? So that's covered.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-09-21 03:45 am (UTC)--Jessica
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-09-21 04:21 am (UTC)Usually insurance companies will drop anyone who makes too many claims, or too high claims, regardless of the premiums or other parameters. They just don't like giving money back. I just thought it would be easier for Tony to have his own insurance company than have to keep chasing around for all the different stuff he'd need, plus for employees.
>> I'm really enjoying this a lot. <<
Yay! That's good to hear.