Story: "Hide and Seek" Part 11
Sep. 4th, 2013 02:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," and "No Winter Lasts Forever."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Virginia "Pepper" Potts.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse, mind control, and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: Bucky has a bad day when his memory won't boot up quite right. This makes other people stressed out too. Attempts to help are partially successful, but then the team dynamics go severely pear-shaped.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Vulgar language. Flangst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Friendship. Confusion. Memory loss. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Self-harm. Tony!whump. Tony Stark has a heart. Tony doesn't like being handed things. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Games. Trust issues. Consent. Safety and security. Artificial intelligence. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Communication. Personal growth. Cooking. Americana. Family of choice. Feels. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10. Skip to Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16.
"Hide and Seek" Part 11
It hadn't occurred to Phil -- and obviously, not to Tony either -- that JARVIS could have been hurt. They were used to thinking of him as invulnerable, but that wasn't quite true. Phil had called for the team to report any injuries and nobody had done so. All right, sometimes his people hid things, but they had mostly gotten out of that habit now that they trusted each other more. Having Bruce helped a lot, on top of everyone else's first aid training. They were learning to seek help when they needed it. Surely Tony must serve the same purpose for JARVIS. Yet this happened anyhow.
JARVIS, this is so not a good thing, Phil thought. They had gone thought this enough with the other team members; he hadn't been expecting it from the AI, who tended to run on logic. Why wouldn't you tell us something was wrong? What variables could you have possibly plugged into your equations to make that conclusion?
Then the possible answers to those questions began seeping through Phil's consciousness. Suddenly he found it difficult to breathe. His muscles locked with the heightening tension. Tony wasn't the only one who completely fucked up things with JARVIS. Some handler I turn out to be, Phil thought acidly.
Phil needed to calm down. The situation wasn't an emergency, not right now. Losing control wouldn't help anything. Phil knew this. He wiped his clammy palms against his trousers. He struggled to dredge up some of the exercises for tranquility, but they spilled through his mental fingers. Nothing seemed to help.
Phil's emotions still sloshed and roiled within him. The lingering worry over Tony mingled with fresh fear for JARVIS and a large wave of self-disgust at his own mishandling of the situation. His heart hammered against his ribs. He had to calm himself somehow, had to stop this.
He couldn't calm down. Radio silence had a tendency to affect him that way. There was no way to work the problem, to talk it out and resolve it. In an emergency, he could hold himself together anyway by brute force of will, but without that brace he felt himself slipping. After yesterday, it was just too much.
Phil just wanted someone to lean on for a few minutes, someone who wouldn't add to the stress. An island of calm in a sea of upset.
He opened his mouth to ask JARVIS where Bruce was, and then stopped himself with an inner wince. He fumbled his Starkphone out to call instead. The device felt strange and unfamiliar in his clumsy hand, the whole world gone distant except for the churn of his emotions. Finally the call went through.
"Hello, Bruce, it's Phil," he said. Phil's voice wavered despite his efforts to keep it level.
"Phil, what's wrong? You sound terrible," Bruce said.
"We just found out that JARVIS damaged his own code while trying to find Tony yesterday," Phil said. "Tony says he can fix it, went down to his lab. It's just. I'm -- I'm coming unglued up here."
"Okay, Phil, take it easy. I'm in the yoga room. Do you want to come down here, or do you need me to come to you?" Bruce said.
"Yoga room sounds good. I'll be there soon," Phil said.
"All right. If you're not here in ten minutes, I'll come looking for you," Bruce said.
Phil shoved the phone back in his pocket and headed for the elevator. It felt wrong to run the thing on push-buttons and backup systems, without JARVIS there. The hush was oppressive. Flat emptiness where a friend's voice should be. His ribcage clenched around his lungs.
Phil let himself into the yoga room. Bruce met him right at the door. Phil grabbed him in a desperate hug, as if he could absorb the other man's calm by soaking it through his skin.
Bruce wrapped himself around Phil. Just that contact helped. Phil felt Bruce's hand close around his wrist, gentle fingertips seeking the pulse. Phil melted against him, reassured by the show of concern. He could hear the slow beat of Bruce's heart under his cheek, feel the steady whisper of breath over his skin. Bruce's arm curled around Phil's waist, one hand rubbing at the small of his back. The frantic feeling began to ease.
"We know Tony," said Bruce. "If he says that JARVIS will be okay, then it's true. This isn't like you, Phil. Can you tell me what threw you off balance so badly?"
"He wouldn't talk to me," Phil rasped. "JARVIS. This happened yesterday." It was hard to get the words out. Phil paused to catch his breath.
"Yesterday was rough on everyone," Bruce said. "It took Betty a while to put me back together. Let me guess, you didn't turn to anyone for support, so when this new issue with JARVIS popped up, that pushed you right over the edge."
Phil nodded, his cheek rubbing against Bruce's shoulder. "Bad enough that he hurt himself, but all right, it's not much different than breaking your own hand to get out of cuffs so you can rescue a teammate. We've all done things like that. But ..."
"I'm listening," Bruce assured him.
"What gets me is this. He hid from us. I called for a team check-in and he didn't say anything. If we'd known, we could have addressed it then instead of leaving him injured all night," Phil said. It was getting easier to talk. The emotions weren't any less harsh, but at least now he could breathe around them.
"That's a bad habit," Bruce agreed. "No wonder you're upset."
Phil shook his head. "It's more than that," he said. "It's my fault really. JARVIS never has tended to answer check-ins like that, but I thought he would -- I thought he'd at least tell Tony if he got hurt somehow. He's just so hard to injure, I didn't think about it much, and I should have. It's my job to monitor the team. I should have insisted that JARVIS call in just like everyone else." Phil's fingers kneaded fitfully against the soft cotton of Bruce's top.
* * *
Notes:
Clear communication is an important foundation of relationships. Understand how to express your needs.
Panic attacks or anxiety attacks share a cluster of symptoms. Both peak within a few minutes. Panic attacks tend to be more overwhelming and more abstract. Anxiety attacks are not quite as bad and may fixate on a specific trigger or just be undifferentiated fear. There are ways to cope with the fear. Phil doesn't lose his cool in a crisis, but he's more vulnerable afterwards.
Some people find it difficult to ask for help. Follow the steps for making a request. It takes practice; the Avengers are still learning, and not all at the same speed.
[To be continued in Part 12 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Virginia "Pepper" Potts.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse, mind control, and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: Bucky has a bad day when his memory won't boot up quite right. This makes other people stressed out too. Attempts to help are partially successful, but then the team dynamics go severely pear-shaped.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Vulgar language. Flangst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Friendship. Confusion. Memory loss. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Self-harm. Tony!whump. Tony Stark has a heart. Tony doesn't like being handed things. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Games. Trust issues. Consent. Safety and security. Artificial intelligence. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Communication. Personal growth. Cooking. Americana. Family of choice. Feels. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10. Skip to Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16.
"Hide and Seek" Part 11
It hadn't occurred to Phil -- and obviously, not to Tony either -- that JARVIS could have been hurt. They were used to thinking of him as invulnerable, but that wasn't quite true. Phil had called for the team to report any injuries and nobody had done so. All right, sometimes his people hid things, but they had mostly gotten out of that habit now that they trusted each other more. Having Bruce helped a lot, on top of everyone else's first aid training. They were learning to seek help when they needed it. Surely Tony must serve the same purpose for JARVIS. Yet this happened anyhow.
JARVIS, this is so not a good thing, Phil thought. They had gone thought this enough with the other team members; he hadn't been expecting it from the AI, who tended to run on logic. Why wouldn't you tell us something was wrong? What variables could you have possibly plugged into your equations to make that conclusion?
Then the possible answers to those questions began seeping through Phil's consciousness. Suddenly he found it difficult to breathe. His muscles locked with the heightening tension. Tony wasn't the only one who completely fucked up things with JARVIS. Some handler I turn out to be, Phil thought acidly.
Phil needed to calm down. The situation wasn't an emergency, not right now. Losing control wouldn't help anything. Phil knew this. He wiped his clammy palms against his trousers. He struggled to dredge up some of the exercises for tranquility, but they spilled through his mental fingers. Nothing seemed to help.
Phil's emotions still sloshed and roiled within him. The lingering worry over Tony mingled with fresh fear for JARVIS and a large wave of self-disgust at his own mishandling of the situation. His heart hammered against his ribs. He had to calm himself somehow, had to stop this.
He couldn't calm down. Radio silence had a tendency to affect him that way. There was no way to work the problem, to talk it out and resolve it. In an emergency, he could hold himself together anyway by brute force of will, but without that brace he felt himself slipping. After yesterday, it was just too much.
Phil just wanted someone to lean on for a few minutes, someone who wouldn't add to the stress. An island of calm in a sea of upset.
He opened his mouth to ask JARVIS where Bruce was, and then stopped himself with an inner wince. He fumbled his Starkphone out to call instead. The device felt strange and unfamiliar in his clumsy hand, the whole world gone distant except for the churn of his emotions. Finally the call went through.
"Hello, Bruce, it's Phil," he said. Phil's voice wavered despite his efforts to keep it level.
"Phil, what's wrong? You sound terrible," Bruce said.
"We just found out that JARVIS damaged his own code while trying to find Tony yesterday," Phil said. "Tony says he can fix it, went down to his lab. It's just. I'm -- I'm coming unglued up here."
"Okay, Phil, take it easy. I'm in the yoga room. Do you want to come down here, or do you need me to come to you?" Bruce said.
"Yoga room sounds good. I'll be there soon," Phil said.
"All right. If you're not here in ten minutes, I'll come looking for you," Bruce said.
Phil shoved the phone back in his pocket and headed for the elevator. It felt wrong to run the thing on push-buttons and backup systems, without JARVIS there. The hush was oppressive. Flat emptiness where a friend's voice should be. His ribcage clenched around his lungs.
Phil let himself into the yoga room. Bruce met him right at the door. Phil grabbed him in a desperate hug, as if he could absorb the other man's calm by soaking it through his skin.
Bruce wrapped himself around Phil. Just that contact helped. Phil felt Bruce's hand close around his wrist, gentle fingertips seeking the pulse. Phil melted against him, reassured by the show of concern. He could hear the slow beat of Bruce's heart under his cheek, feel the steady whisper of breath over his skin. Bruce's arm curled around Phil's waist, one hand rubbing at the small of his back. The frantic feeling began to ease.
"We know Tony," said Bruce. "If he says that JARVIS will be okay, then it's true. This isn't like you, Phil. Can you tell me what threw you off balance so badly?"
"He wouldn't talk to me," Phil rasped. "JARVIS. This happened yesterday." It was hard to get the words out. Phil paused to catch his breath.
"Yesterday was rough on everyone," Bruce said. "It took Betty a while to put me back together. Let me guess, you didn't turn to anyone for support, so when this new issue with JARVIS popped up, that pushed you right over the edge."
Phil nodded, his cheek rubbing against Bruce's shoulder. "Bad enough that he hurt himself, but all right, it's not much different than breaking your own hand to get out of cuffs so you can rescue a teammate. We've all done things like that. But ..."
"I'm listening," Bruce assured him.
"What gets me is this. He hid from us. I called for a team check-in and he didn't say anything. If we'd known, we could have addressed it then instead of leaving him injured all night," Phil said. It was getting easier to talk. The emotions weren't any less harsh, but at least now he could breathe around them.
"That's a bad habit," Bruce agreed. "No wonder you're upset."
Phil shook his head. "It's more than that," he said. "It's my fault really. JARVIS never has tended to answer check-ins like that, but I thought he would -- I thought he'd at least tell Tony if he got hurt somehow. He's just so hard to injure, I didn't think about it much, and I should have. It's my job to monitor the team. I should have insisted that JARVIS call in just like everyone else." Phil's fingers kneaded fitfully against the soft cotton of Bruce's top.
* * *
Notes:
Clear communication is an important foundation of relationships. Understand how to express your needs.
Panic attacks or anxiety attacks share a cluster of symptoms. Both peak within a few minutes. Panic attacks tend to be more overwhelming and more abstract. Anxiety attacks are not quite as bad and may fixate on a specific trigger or just be undifferentiated fear. There are ways to cope with the fear. Phil doesn't lose his cool in a crisis, but he's more vulnerable afterwards.
Some people find it difficult to ask for help. Follow the steps for making a request. It takes practice; the Avengers are still learning, and not all at the same speed.
[To be continued in Part 12 ...]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-04 09:49 am (UTC)I'm glad that he knows which team member to pick.
Yes...
Date: 2013-09-04 10:03 am (UTC)No matter how badass you are, everyone has a breaking point. Wearing yourself out the night before and then getting blindsided by a new issue the next morning will flatten most people.
>> I'm glad that he knows which team member to pick. <<
It's a little tiffy, because Bruce was upset the night before, but has had opportunities to recover and is showing good in the morning. Steve would also have been well placed to reassemble Phil, though he was caught up in the previous fracas too. Phil goes for Bruce as the most soothing person available, and Phil has seen Bruce handle Bucky -- which just watching on the security feed nearly had Phil zoning out over his desk. So that's the best match, and Bruce immediately cues in on Phil's upset, which means Bruce is well set to deal with him. As long as Bruce has his feet under him, he's really solid support.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-04 10:02 am (UTC)*recalls movie*
Oh, right, everyone... ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-04 10:44 am (UTC)Oops. Woke the dogs. Guess I'd better get up, then....
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-04 08:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-06 12:56 pm (UTC)Steve's really good at presenting himself as stable. I think it's good for Bruce to be just as dependable as Steve.
Yes...
Date: 2013-09-06 06:46 pm (UTC)I think that's why Steve fights so hard to be the one taking care of Bucky, even though there are other people who can help and Steve seriously needs a break occasionally to process his own feelings on the matter. There was just so much pressure built up, with Steve wishing that things could have gone differently, that he holds onto the opportunity with both hands. It's really hard on him to let go even a little and allow other people to help Bucky too. And himself, when Steve overdoes it.
>>Steve's really good at presenting himself as stable. I think it's good for Bruce to be just as dependable as Steve.<<
*laugh* Oh, if Bruce could hear you say that! He doesn't think of himself as dependable at all, even though he wishes he could be. He thinks of himself as inherently unreliable because of Hulk. Bruce does not realize how important he has become to the team as a source of calm and caring, how much people choose to rely on him -- and Hulk too.
He has what he yearns for, if he would only let himself see it.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2013-09-07 04:07 am (UTC)Re: Yes...
Date: 2013-09-07 05:27 am (UTC)Yeah, Bruce is easy as the Cowardly Lion...
>> (Tony keeps saying he doesn't have a heart. <<
...and of course Tony is the Tin Man.
>> I've not figured out just who and what are the Scarecrow analogue. <<
Maybe Clint? He seems the most prone to feeling inadequate next to the science genius types.
>> Yeah, it's Steve's sketchbook he was chasing, not Toto...) <<
I see Steve as Dorothy too. Also Betty.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2013-09-07 06:29 am (UTC)Part of me wants to see Steve and another WoO memed military man interact. Yes, Jack O'Neill. (And I don't for a minute think those flying monkeys were as offhand of a comment as Fury made them almost seem.)
Of course, Steve's likely yet to see it with his 'new' full-color vision.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2013-09-07 06:40 am (UTC)Yeah, mine is piecemeal.
>> Part of me wants to see Steve and another WoO memed military man interact. Yes, Jack O'Neill. (And I don't for a minute think those flying monkeys were as offhand of a comment as Fury made them almost seem.) <<
*laugh* That could be amusing.
>> Of course, Steve's likely yet to see it with his 'new' full-color vision. <<
I may catch the team watching this movie at some point.
Yes...
Date: 2013-09-06 10:51 pm (UTC)Bruce has the stability he does because he's done a lot of work. He started out with a lot of self-soothing skills from his abusive childhood. This has advantages (if upset, he can calm himself) and disadvantages (if hurt, he's liable to go pet himself in a corner instead of asking for help). Then after the lab accident, Bruce needed to expand his coping skills into more heavy-duty stuff to manage Hulk. So he can share that with other people as needed.
Betty is mostly mellow because she went through therapy to deal with the shit from her father. So she has a thorough set of coping skills and has done the personality work to fix most of what Daddy fucked up. But she is still her father's daughter, and when provoked -- usually if someone threatens Bruce-and-Hulk these days -- she can turn into a little pink ragemonster capable of dishing out some truly brutal hurtness.
Yes...
Date: 2013-09-07 02:00 am (UTC)I think one of the most extraordinary things about Bruce, especially in this iteration, is how gentle he is at heart. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate; but he never seems to take that last step. He harbors a level of resignation and learned helplessness that I don't think is healthy, but it does less damage than if he had turned truly vicious. Hulk doesn't hit first, he only hits back. Even Loki had to hit him in a few emotional soft spots before Hulk decided to flog him through the floor.
Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-04 11:39 am (UTC)And Phil.
At least Bruce has one part of that covered.
But... how do you hug an intangible AI? Or what's analogous? Interesting thought.
Re: Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-04 12:23 pm (UTC)Re: Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-07 09:26 am (UTC)Re: Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-04 08:35 pm (UTC)I dunno, he has to have a physical core server somewhere, even if he can remotely control any other system. It just makes sense he'd have a very well protected core he could retreat into and shut down the connections in the event of a hack on his system. [or several cores probably, multiple backups in widely dispersed locations].
so yeah, it's probably well hidden in a vault, but JARVIS would have a body you could hug..
Re: Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-18 10:04 am (UTC)Distributed servers, yes.
>>so yeah, it's probably well hidden in a vault, but JARVIS would have a body you could hug.<<
Well, no, that's like a brain; it has minimal sensitivity.
The huggable part of JARVIS is the bodyware he uses to interact with people: bits of the tower that move or have sensors, the suit, etc. Bucky and Phil have started out by petting the nearest piece of hardware or wall, and as time goes on, they're shifting more toward touchpads and other things with two-way feedback. It's a learning process for everyone.
Re: Heartbreaking, and lovely
Date: 2013-09-07 09:15 am (UTC)And Phil. <<
They are all about the hugs.
>> At least Bruce has one part of that covered. <<
He's good at that.
>> But... how do you hug an intangible AI? Or what's analogous? Interesting thought. <<
That's actually in my notes for later in the series. You'll get an inkling of why, once Phil and JARVIS get into their discussion of what went wrong. There are at least two ways, one of which I'm saving for later.
But one is obvious: JARVIS has physical presence, so can be touched like anyone else with a body, he just has different sensory input. He has audio and visual pickups throughout the tower. But he also has tactile input in some places, like pressure sensor strips along the edges of doors and drawers to prevent people from getting mashed. There are touchscreens for data display and identification purposes. He has control of various assembly/disassembly equipment -- literally wraps himself around Tony via the suit every time they join as Iron Man. It took JARVIS a while to learn how to handle that gently, but he and Tony have the hang of it now. So hugging or touching for comfort is just a matter of reaching out to any of his tactile contact points.
I think that Bucky is the first person other than Tony who really makes a habit of petting JARVIS. But it's starting to spread.
Can I just say how delighted I am that my audience is fond enough of JARVIS as a person to think about adapting comfort gestures to his personal idiom? You folks are awesome, inclusive darlings.
phil
Date: 2013-09-04 12:55 pm (UTC)I think there may be a self-image conflict going on here. Phil sees Jarvis as a full member of the team, for lack of a better word, another "person". However, I'm not sure JARVIS sees himself quite the same way. I don't think JARVIS sees himself as equally important.
Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-04 12:56 pm (UTC)Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-04 02:15 pm (UTC)"It hadn't occurred to Phil -- and obviously, not to Tony either -- that JARVIS could have been hurt. They were used to thinking of him as invulnerable…"
Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 07:03 am (UTC)"It hadn't occurred to Phil -- and obviously, not to Tony either -- that JARVIS could have been hurt. They were used to thinking of him as invulnerable…" <<
Yes, exactly. JARVIS can be hurt, but not as easily or in the same ways as other members of the team. It's kind of like what happens with Hulk. They don't like people shooting at him, but most of that will never do more than piss him off, so they don't respond the same as when people shoot at Hawkeye.
Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 07:07 am (UTC)("Dammit, Boss, you shoulda been asleep three hours ago and you ain't even SHOWERED yet!"
[Sigh.] "Yeah. Thanks, Loiosh.")
Lay-tah.
Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 07:15 am (UTC)Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 07:00 am (UTC)Oh yeah.
>> I think there may be a self-image conflict going on here. Phil sees Jarvis as a full member of the team, for lack of a better word, another "person". <<
JARVIS is a person, and within the Avengers, half of Iron Man. Phil is protective of his people, and the more he gets to know JARVIS, the more that extends to him.
>> However, I'm not sure JARVIS sees himself quite the same way. I don't think JARVIS sees himself as equally important. <<
He doesn't, quite. JARVIS does see himself as a person. However, he's a butler and a security guard at heart, then a superhero later; it is his nature to put other people's needs first. He knows that humans perceive damage differently than he does, so he bumps them up the priority queue and himself down.
What JARVIS isn't factoring in is how other people feel about him.
Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 01:03 pm (UTC)Re: phil
Date: 2013-09-06 07:22 pm (UTC)To some extent, yes. JARVIS understands that he is a person and has worth, just doesn't grasp all the implications of that yet. Considering how many people have tried to kill Tony, and how tenuous is the safety that JARVIS has in obscurity, insecurity is not an unreasonable result.
>>that stems from thinking his worth is contingent on what he can do for others.<<
Service is part of JARVIS through and through. It's not just what he was made for but what he was made of, modeled after one of the few people who ever gave a damn about Tony. What JARVIS needs is to get a bit healthier and more connected nuance of that nature. He's not going to let go of it.
>> (Scowls at Howard's father. Perhaps it's better that Tony coded young, when he had fewer subroutines of his own?) <<
Yeah, let's hear it for Howard Stark's A+ grandparenting. 0_o
There are ups and downs to Tony coding so young, which actually come up in discussion later. Fewer subroutines, yes, but also much less experience. He's made progress since then.
Re: phil
Date: 2022-06-28 07:29 pm (UTC)Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-04 08:15 pm (UTC)I love and relate to how strong Coulson is and how he is able to help his team and take care of them.
I love that you put warnings at the beginnings of chapters.
I didn't expect to need a 'Coulson needs help and gets it' warning.
The moment he realized he needed help and knew who to call to get it I broke down with the realization that I don't know who I'd call to feel that accepted and safe. I didn't even realize I was crying until he made it to Bruce. I have that "some [friend] I turned out to be" feeling so often.
Your stories give me the hope that I can have all they have someday.
Thank you for that.
Re: Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-06 05:09 am (UTC)I'm delighted to hear that.
>> I love how you write about the Avengers' relationships and interactions. <<
*happydance*
>> I love that Clint is a relatable, loved, and accepted asexual character for me to really identify with. I love everything about everything. <<
I'm keeping an eye out for more opportunities to touch on that. It doesn't come up often, because Clint is comfortable with his orientation and the other Avengers don't bug him about it. But sometimes it tints how he interacts with people.
>> I love and relate to how strong Coulson is and how he is able to help his team and take care of them. <<
Sooth. He's very determined to support them.
>> I love that you put warnings at the beginnings of chapters. <<
For the most part, the warnings are storywide because a majority of the touchy stuff is widespread (like Bucky's memory problems). But if there's one spot of something I know is an issue, like self-harm, I'll warn extra for that. I want people to be able to make informed choices about their reading.
>> I didn't expect to need a 'Coulson needs help and gets it' warning. <<
Huh ... I wonder how many people that would affect. Probably not a small number, judging from what I've seen folks talking about. Just asking for help is hard, and accepting it is hard; I've linked to articles about that. So reading about it could logically be intense too.
>> The moment he realized he needed help and knew who to call to get it I broke down with the realization that I don't know who I'd call to feel that accepted and safe. <<
Wow, ouch. *hugs available* Most of my closest friends live in other states or countries, so I can sympathize.
>> I didn't even realize I was crying until he made it to Bruce. <<
Sometimes it really helps to have someone to put the pieces back together.
>> I have that "some [friend] I turned out to be" feeling so often. <<
That's an easy pitfall to make. One thing that both Phil and Tony are doing wrong is aiming criticism at themselves, their nature or role, rather than at specific actions that turned out badly.
>> Your stories give me the hope that I can have all they have someday. <<
I hope so too.
>> Thank you for that. <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
By the way, you'll want to brace yourself for the next chapter too, which I'm about to post. Bruce gets more hands-on about soothing Phil.
Re: Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-07 12:21 am (UTC)Me too! Thanks for articulating this.
Re: Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-09 07:59 am (UTC)Re: Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-09 02:07 pm (UTC)Re: Chapter really struck a cord with me
Date: 2013-09-09 08:52 pm (UTC)I'm sorry if it's distracting.
>> Then I remind myself that a) I'm reading fanfic about superheroes, and b) maybe there are people out there who can pull off that sort of interaction, and I should try to be less cynical. <<
Consider that for every human trait, there is a range of intensity from low to high. Most people fall in the middle, but there are always a few at the far ends. I write Phil to be as supportive as Steve is strong. Phil's insight into people is as apt as Clint's targeting sight. They're on a level.
Now if you sort through a large enough mass of people, you will find a few who can do amazing things. The Dalai Lama is an impressive high mark for compassion and tolerance. I've known folks with epic facilitation skills. Figure that SHIELD can draw from the whole world and keeps an eye out for the exceptional.
Of course, I'm fudging a little. Phil in canon often seems indifferent to people's suffering. Fury rubs off on him. But it's also canon that the Avengers follow Phil anyway. My way of rationalizing these discrepancies is to say that Phil can be swayed by Fury's shortcuts or authority in a crisis, but is more alert to the damage done after the fact and will make efforts to fix it and find methods that work better, once he gets to know people more.
Bruce is a hero for his compassion as well as his brains and Hulk's power. He's very sweet and gentle inside. He doesn't know how to turn that on himself, so it all radiates outward to other people. He doesn't realize this part ... but he's giving other people what he wants, even if he feels awkward about it when people try to reflect that back to him.
The Avengers tend to be nonjudgmental partly because they want acceptance for themselves, but also because after you've seen the damage that condemnation can do and you've seen an extreme variety of traits ... you just stop bothering about the ones that harm nobody. Aliens have invaded the Earth; what the heck difference does it make that Clint never wants to have sex? HYDRA continues the ubermensch/untermensch attitude of the Nazis; let's us not screw the same pooch. Bucky's mental injuries require extra accommodation; people have to be careful about Tony's arc reactor and Natasha's blunted affect and everyone's PTSD.
When you treat other people as you wish to be treated, it tends to come back to you.
None of these characters are perfect; they all have strengths and weaknesses. They are valiant people trying to make the world a better place, and a home for each other.
I do understand that things like this can seem implausible or startling though. I've had people come out to me as queer or trans or whatever, and I'll say something like "Congratulations" or "It's good to hear that you know yourself so well," and sometimes they just fall apart because everyone else they've told has wigged out somehow, and it's just a nonissue for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-05 12:05 am (UTC):)
Well...
Date: 2013-09-05 12:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-05 06:29 am (UTC)Poor Phil and Jarvis, but neat chapter, thanks!
Thoughts
Date: 2013-09-09 09:08 am (UTC)It's always nerve-wracking when a friend is hurt, and so much worse if you feel like it's (even partly) your fault.
>> And I'm glad he has Bruce to go to for help. <<
Sooth. Bruce may not understand his own emotions very well yet, but his compassion and acceptance make him very helpful in dealing with other people's feelings. Plus he's so used to facing Hulk's epic tantrums, nobody else's have much effect on him unless he feels personally threatened.
>> I think that Phil doesn't know enough about Jarvis's programming (only Tony does, right?) <<
Yes, that's true. It's canon that Phil has been inside JARVIS at least to some degree; he must have, in order to reach Tony at the beginning of The Avengers. It is implied, though not stated outright, that JARVIS is pretty different from other hardware and software; Starktech is elite, Tony is a genius, and I'm treating that as "JARVIS is written in proprietary code." But JARVIS can interface with other tech, so there have to be layers of him that would be comprehensible to other programmers/hackers. Anyone who can hack Starktech -- even when JARVIS is "letting" him -- must be a worldclass hacker. That level of talent would sense something about JARVIS, even if Phil doesn't understand the magnitude and can't see the details yet. And Phil is thinking about that now.
>> and therefore can't really guess what Jarvis needs, Jarvis is a very unusual person! <<
Yes, exactly. Phil is holding himself to a very high standard as a handler, which is fine -- except that he's not accounting for the fact that not everyone on his team is human-standard but most of his training is for conventional humans. When you consider the modified humans, and JARVIS, and Thor, the variations in their needs and capacities and habits will necessarily cause complications.
Plus, not even JARVIS fully understands what all of his needs are. He's the first of his kind; much is new and will not be seen until encountered. Tony certainly doesn't understand it all; hell, he can barely figure out his own needs. The best they can do is observe, guess based on similar examples, and deal with whatever comes up in an attentive manner.
>> Also, I feel like maybe Phil identifies a little with Jarvis, <<
More than a little, although they are just starting to realize how deep the connection is getting. Phil freaked when he first realized that JARVIS wasn't just a fancy program but was actually a person. Phil's head went straight to "hacking = rape." JARVIS explained that it didn't go that far, which made Phil feel only somewhat better, and Phil has been extra careful with him ever since. That was the point when they started to become friends -- although it was actually Phil's actions prior that set the ball rolling, because JARVIS doesn't drop hairpins for just anybody. Phil made him feel that it would be safe to reveal himself and that Phil was worth knowing, worth the risk. I don't think Phil realizes yet what a compliment that was.
>> they're both dedicated to monitoring, managing and protecting the others and they both don't think about themselves before it's too late and they crash... <<
Yes, precisely. They have a lot in common. *ponder* JARVIS is really the only bifocal member of the team, both superhero and handler. Phil and Betty are both capable of handling themselves in a fight, but their preference is to place themselves behind the lines as support crew, not on the front. The other Avengers are front line assets.
>> And that would also explain why Phil hasn't insisted to have Jarvis report like the others, the same way Phil didn't check on his own status. It's not like they don't matter, but they think they can deal... <<
The water that fish don't see. Forgetting to count your own feet. Yes, they understand their own worth; they just tend to put everyone else's ahead of it, and overestimate their own endurance sometimes. Handlers and heroes, gotta love 'em.
>> Poor Phil and Jarvis, but neat chapter, thanks! <<
I'm glad you enjoyed this so much. They do have friends to put them back together, so all will be well.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-11-11 10:31 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-11-12 05:59 am (UTC)He really is a wreck right now.
>> I really like the Bruce acknowledges that Betty helped him deal with the night before and that Phil didn't get help so JARVIS' injury pushed him over the edge. <<
Exactly. It's hard for the Avengers to learn how to lean on each other, because most of them are used to having to rely on themselves. So it didn't occur to Phil that he should probably get some emotional support after such a stressful day. Bruce is a little better at turning to Betty now.
>> Panic attacks suck <<
Yea, verily. A lot of people have those occasionally. It's not common for Phil. Some of the other Avengers have more of an issue here.
>> and I'm glad Phil can think of who to go to for support while he finds himself falling apart. <<
Bruce is becoming the team's go-to guy for a lot of things, especially emotional regulation. That's good because it gets their needs met and helps him feel useful.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-03-16 04:32 am (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2014-03-16 04:43 am (UTC)