ysabetwordsmith | Hard Things

From:

Therapy. Because assault stuff we didn't get to in Indiana.

My therapist is win. SHe...actually explains things. The workings behind *why* thoughts are the way they are. For us, mechanics help. A lot.

It's why we like your articles. "Oh hey, the wetware is messed up? Here's why, here's how to fix it. Oh, that's not working this time? Well then try this."

T: Oh you're thinking like this? QWell ges what, that's normal (Insert cycle here) Counter it with (insert skills.)

...

Or: "So you're doing this, what skills did you just use/are you using?"

...

Still, I'ma need starbucks after this trip. (And I'll have it thanks to a gift card.)

-moving. Finances. Overdrawn again. I'm really worried that that's going to affect my being able to leave this situation. I'm still working on loss mitagation, and I'm also afraid that I won't get everything in in time to save things.

I'm behind on both HOA and mortgage by larg amounts.

But....the expectations here are just...unrealistic. I can't.

And I get this 'Hell no' feeling when I think about going back to Indiana. Which I know why. But if They don't want me back there, than They need to find me the money (Which is in the 4 figures) to keep me here, because at this point I feel I may *have* to go back there so FHA things can work. And it has to be *gguaranteed*. As much as I love IM; most of their events are in Cleveland, and I have no real way of tetting there when they pop up at short notice.

I do appreciate Their trying, but something needs to happen if Indiana isn't an option in *Their* minds.

Ug.

(I'm managing to not completely break, but let me tell you, this is taking both good and not so good coping skills.)

Edited (clarifiers) Date: 2020-01-15 02:31 pm (UTC)

From:

readera

Therapy is hard work. & Unrealistic expectations suck. :(

From:

we_are_spc

yeah it is. And yeah they do.

...

And I'm in a bad day. Brain wise. blurg. I did laundry yesterday, and hung it all up. Usually I don't mind dishes, but today I don't want to do them. At all.

-T~

From:

readera

Ugh bad brain days suck. Sorry you are dealing with that. I'm not having a great one myself. I cant get my anxiety to stop screaming at me

From:

we_are_spc

Mine's depression. I have no motivation.

All I want to do after I did the dishes and ate lunch was go back to bed. I'm drinking water instead, and it's helping some. So that's a thing.

-T~

From:

readera

Oof. I get that. Hopefully you feel better soon. * offers internet brownies

From:

we_are_spc

Now I want real ones. LOL

omnomnom!

-T~

From:

readera

These are the ones I made recently. Not sure if you want them enough to do more dishes tho. 😄

https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/chewy-fudgy-homemade-brownies/

From:

we_are_spc

Guuuh.

*needs a teleporter so I can get there when you make these next time.*

-T~

From:

readera

Lol true. I would be happy you make you some, if you could get here. 💗💗

From:

we_are_spc

You win.

I am now praying for an influx of funds as well; person who was supposed to pay me is late by a week, and now the overdrawing is happening again. :/

-T~

From:

readera

😳 best wishes with that. Money troubles are stressful.

From:

we_are_spc

<3

From:

readera

💖

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> My therapist is win. SHe...actually explains things. The workings behind *why* thoughts are the way they are. For us, mechanics help. A lot.<<

Yay! I'm glad you found a therapist who really helps.

Yes, I find the mechanics useful also. It's hard to fix things if you don't know how they work. You need to know how they work and what goes wrong, in order to decide which repair to use or how to troubleshoot if it doesn't work.

>>It's why we like your articles. "Oh hey, the wetware is messed up? Here's why, here's how to fix it. Oh, that's not working this time? Well then try this."<<

I'm happy to help.

>> But....the expectations here are just...unrealistic. I can't. <<

Bummer.

>>And I get this 'Hell no' feeling when I think about going back to Indiana.<<

I agree, at least insofar as going back to your birth family. They might mean well, but they don't see to be doing a great job of helping you fledge successfully. :/

From:

we_are_spc

And a lot of them are back there. Granted the one I had there was pretty chill, but she's also a gossip to some degree. She's not the one I'd go to first if I didn't want the mother to know what was up.

Then...then I'd better start thinking hard for a job in Cuyahoga county, otherwise the 'hell no' may well be a likely possibility. Because being here isn't.

...

At least not in the longterm.

-T~

From:

ysabetwordsmith

A vigorous job search seems prudent. Consider that even if you can't get your first choice of a job type, any job good enough to pay living expenses would get you in the right neighborhood, where it would then be much easier and cheaper to search for a better one there.

From:

we_are_spc

Yep.

Although, I've had three interviews (Two coming up this week are included in that) in my field since I started actively looking in Cuyahoga county. That's the most I've had since the job search started.

-T~

From:

wispfox

I am currently working retail to help make ends meet while I continue to try to get into the UX field. I am... not an extrovert. I like people, which helps, but working retail makes me even less available to people outside of work than I already was, especially in the winter.

I've got a week off right now, and I needed it so badly. It is nice to have a break from constantly job hunting, but *sigh*.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

That sucks. I hope you find a job better suited to you.

From:

readera

Work is using all my time and spoons. The pay is awesome but i can't keep going like this. I dont have enough spoons/time to take care of my household or look for new work. 😒😵

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I hope you find a better job soon.

From:

readera

Me too. Thanks :)

From:

jtthomas

Recording this album through the haze of dysphoria (and winter illness, to which I am quite susceptible). But progress is being made.

Semester's about to start as well, and I'm taking 20 credits, so that'll be... something.

From:

cmcmck

Slaps the dysphoric haze.

Hugs.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I took 18 credits once and decided never to do that again.

From:

jtthomas

It's effectively 18 credits with 4 hours of choir a week. I know all the professors pretty well, other than my acting teacher, and it's doable, though definitely hard. (Full list is Women in the Middle Ages, Shakespeare as Literature, Race & Rupture in 1920s American Literature, Foundations of Theatrical Design, Acting II, University Choir, and a music/honors directed study that's just writing 1 song a week toward a musical I'm working on.) That lets me graduate this semester instead of a year from now, so I'll take it.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Okay, more doable than if it were all heavy-duty classes. They sound interesting!

From:

jtthomas

Definitely more interesting than most universities. My freshman year, I had a class on how to navigate the city and where all the good restaurants are. Last semester, I was in a no-math science class about radiation. (Even the lab was minimal math, more just how to make a spreadsheet do the math for us by inputting words.)

The school honors program is solid, too: go to one event of your choice each semester outside of your major and take 8 total honors level classes, at least one of which is an independent study or thesis. I had Honors Tudor and Stuart England, Honors Leadership, Ethics, and Art, Honors Shakespeare and Power... and now the Race and Rupture class. Honors classes get to be whatever the professors want.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

That all sounds uncommonly useful.

:D Feel free to prompt about such things for rebuilding the Technical Institute of New Journeys in Turq's thread.

From:

kellan_the_tabby

Today I pulled my van VERY CLOSE to the side of the tinker's wagon, then climbed up the driver's side door to the roof, & then used THAT to get up on top of the tinker's wagon so I could start putting on the roof.

... I am slightly afraid of heights.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

That's not an unreasonable concern at the bottom of a gravity well.

From:

kellan_the_tabby

If I could work on it in microgravity but with sufficient air, I'd already be done.

As it was I got in about half an hour's work, came back down, & by the time I'd stopped shaking it was getting on towards dark.

It's gonna be a job done in SMALL stages.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Yes, but you're facing it with great courage. Go you!

From:

kellan_the_tabby

I AM MIGHTY

also kinda dumbassed

I still maintain it's safer to work from the van roof than from up on a ladder though.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I think the van roof sounds much safer too.

From:

zeeth_kyrah

At the top of a gravity well, looking down on a planet, I get scared (what if something de-orbits me?). Down where there's something to sit on or swim in, I'm usually much better off even though the view is more limited. I just barely handled the Saint Louis Arch the year my family went. And apparently that's the kind of experience people usually have in a space elevator...

From:

mama_kestrel

I need to find my way out of the hole I've crawled into. That's hard because it means I need to talk. (I know, for those who know me that sounds incredible, but there it is.) I'm reluctant to talk about what's going on in my life because I don't want to embarrass my mom or make her look bad, but, well, that's what's going on in my life. (Short version: the woman wouldn't know a boundary if it fell on her head, and while the dementia has exacerbated that, it's far from a new problem.) So I'm trying to build or find a ladder, and for all the times I've done that for other people, I don't know how to do it for myself.

And I think I'd best hit post before I delete the whole thing.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> I need to find my way out of the hole I've crawled into.<<

I wish you luck with that.

>> That's hard because it means I need to talk. (I know, for those who know me that sounds incredible, but there it is.) <<

Some things are just hard to talk about.

>>I'm reluctant to talk about what's going on in my life because I don't want to embarrass my mom or make her look bad, but, well, that's what's going on in my life. (Short version: the woman wouldn't know a boundary if it fell on her head, and while the dementia has exacerbated that, it's far from a new problem.) <<

:(

>> So I'm trying to build or find a ladder, and for all the times I've done that for other people, I don't know how to do it for myself.<<

It's harder when you are the one caught in the flash flood.

>> And I think I'd best hit post before I delete the whole thing.<<

Well, it's progress. The whole point of Hard Things is to give people a reasonably safe place to vent. Sometimes we might be able to help. Other times we just nod and go, "Yeah, that sucks."

There's a lot of advice about self-care for caregivers. The problem is, it's all obvious and if it were feasible to do those things then people wouldn't be burning out in the first place. They burn out because they have more demands than resources and the only "help" offered usually consists of unhelpful advice rather than "Here is $500" or "Here is free adult daycare" or even "How about I come over and do some housework so you can sit down for a few minutes."

From:

mama_kestrel

"How about I come over and do some housework so you can sit down for a few minutes."

Or come over and chat with her for an hour, so that I am not her sole source of amusement. Or better still, set a time, pick up her and her walker, and take her shopping or to lunch without me. If it's someone else's schedule, she'll be ready in time. It's only with the family she runs on Mommy Standard Time.

Why yes, I am frustrated.

I know no one can solve this. I know the only way through is one day at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time. But I have spent most of my adult life fighting to keep her from taking over my life...and now here we are.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>Or come over and chat with her for an hour, so that I am not her sole source of amusement. Or better still, set a time, pick up her and her walker, and take her shopping or to lunch without me.<<

Those are excellent ideas. I will keep them in mind the next time someone asks how they can help a caregiver friend or relative. I haven't seen them on lists before. Probably because they are hard.

>> If it's someone else's schedule, she'll be ready in time. It's only with the family she runs on Mommy Standard Time.<<

0_o That's ... awful. I think I'll leave it at that.

>>I know no one can solve this. I know the only way through is one day at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time. But I have spent most of my adult life fighting to keep her from taking over my life...and now here we are.<<

Sounds like Hell on Earth.

From:

pronker

Update from Sunday's phone call from place of worship: Office Lady there expressly asked that I tell Spouse not to come to Thursday class any longer due to his incontinence and Depends not holding all of it in. She suggested online courses. He decided to go anyway and plans to bring a cushion tonight that I made for him in case he leaks. (Another elderly man, since deceased, always brought a cushion so Spouse sees precedent.) Office Lady exchanged phone #'s with me and requested that I text when he is coming and if he is clean or not. I regret giving her my cell # and saying she could text back and forth. I am on guard with her.

Their side is that the $50 chairs continuing to be ruined (because they will not clean them but declare them soiled and "dishonoring the house of prayer" and thus require replacement) is unfair to them because Office Lady says "he's had plenty of chances to change since November 2019 at her first phone call and people don't want to come anymore because of him".

His side is that he wishes to attend any activity, loves the place despite all because he's attended 20 years, and resents being singled out in spite of his unsocial odor and occasional behavior (he can get aggressive with his walker involving anybody in his way when he needs to get someplace, such as the bathroom or simply moving through the crowd. He never hits anybody but looks very intense and that can intimidate.)

My side is that I want him to go there as much as he can.

The setting is a private home that is regularly crowded with wall to wall people Main Worship Day, a line for getting food from the buffet tables on this day's free lunch, and hours long religious services and classes that he loves. I've been to them numerous times throughout twenty years and find the place claustrophobic, although others find them "family like" and "bustling, in a good way." I can see both points of view. There are many children around for him to tell stories to and he enjoys singing. He can be charming and offers interesting stories.

Best case scenario is that Worship Leader allows him to enter for the class tonight and accepts his cushion for both class and Main Worship Day. Acceptable case scenario is that he is rejected for Thursdays and allowed to come on Main Worship Day. Less acceptable case scenario is that Worship Leader insists that he curtail his stays on Main Worship Day to perhaps 2 hours. Absolute worst case is that they call the cops on him because he was asked not to come, with the corollary of his arrest.

My most uncharitable thought: right before New Year's, they called him for a donation and he said no, but he would sponsor a lunch in February, approximate cost $200.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.<<

That does sound hard.

>>Office Lady there expressly asked that I tell Spouse<<

Office Lady needs to find a backbone and tell him herself, not force you into the middle of a disagreement between other people.

>>He decided to go anyway and plans to bring a cushion tonight that I made for him in case he leaks. (Another elderly man, since deceased, always brought a cushion so Spouse sees precedent.)<<

A reasonable accommodation.

>> Office Lady exchanged phone #'s with me and requested that I text when he is coming and if he is clean or not.<<

See above re: not your responsibility to manage someone else's life.

>> I regret giving her my cell # and saying she could text back and forth. I am on guard with her.<<

You could:

1) tell her not to do that anymore
2) ignore her when she does it
3) block her if she keeps bothering you
4) file a complaint with the phone company
5) change your number.

Those all have various costs and consequences.

>> Their side is that the $50 chairs continuing to be ruined (because they will not clean them but declare them soiled and "dishonoring the house of prayer" and thus require replacement) is unfair to them <<

This much is true. However, he could simply bring his own chair, preferably a cast plastic indoor-outdoor chair that is easy to clean.

>> because Office Lady says "he's had plenty of chances to change since November 2019 at her first phone call <<

This presupposes change is possible. With a physical problem, it typically is not, which makes that particular point unreasonable.

>> and people don't want to come anymore because of him". <<

This is their most compelling argument. Who gets excluded? If one person causes multiple other people not to come, it is better to exclude one person than many.

>> His side is that he wishes to attend any activity, loves the place despite all because he's attended 20 years,<<

Reasonable.

>> and resents being singled out in spite of his unsocial odor and occasional behavior <<

Valid if other people with similar issues have been or were previously permitted to participate where he is asked to leave.

>> My side is that I want him to go there as much as he can. <<

Logical.

>> The setting is a private home that is regularly crowded with wall to wall people Main Worship Day, a line for getting food from the buffet tables on this day's free lunch, and hours long religious services and classes that he loves. I've been to them numerous times throughout twenty years and find the place claustrophobic, although others find them "family like" and "bustling, in a good way." I can see both points of view. <<

Yeah, it wouldn't be my idea of a good time, but if others like it that's fine for them.

>> There are many children around for him to tell stories to and he enjoys singing. He can be charming and offers interesting stories. <<

Consider whether there are other places that he could meet some of his needs.

Also it sounds like people are holding a public event in a venue that is not really equipped for it, and that is causing some of the accessibility issues. On this point, you may wish to consult local rules regarding what can or can't be done in a private home and what the accessibility standards are. For example, do they have an adult changing facilities available, or if not is there one very nearby? Religious institutions have some exemptions from many laws -- but not if they are taking any government money, so that's another angle to check.

>>Absolute worst case is that they call the cops on him because he was asked not to come, with the corollary of his arrest.<<

Or possible death, since America's law all comes down to "obey or die."

>>My most uncharitable thought: right before New Year's, they called him for a donation and he said no, but he would sponsor a lunch in February, approximate cost $200.<<

As this seems to be an ongoing problem, it was very wrong of them to do that. They do not get to reject someone on one hand and demand favors on the other. Either he is or is not a part of the community.

Did anyone offer to visit with him at home, divide or move an event that sounds overgrown for its space, or add events more accommodating to members with special needs? I'm going to guess not.

It's a difficult situation to be sure, but there are ways to cut it down to size, if people wanted to do that. It sounds like they would rather not. They may or may not have a legal right to discriminate in this manner. But they do have a moral right to take care of longstanding community members.

If they continue to be cruel and dismissive, you have an opportunity to hit back if you wish: simply point out to everyone else that membership is not actually based on faith and sincerity, but based on being pleasing to the authorities and whether you can do anything for them. How long will it be until the other members become inconvenient as they get old, or even as other challenges arise? A "faith" community that ditches people in need is worse than useless.

From:

pronker

guess not. Not a thing I foresee them doing; various congregants have visited here at the house throughout 20 years but not one for religious purposes. He had a friend for the last 5 years, Friend moved away in '18 and maybe 1x yearly visits the congregation and then visits the house. Office Lady suggesting online courses is typical.

The part about folks not wanting to come anymore since he is such a regular pillar re attendance is something to for them to consider seriously, truly. Another Office Lady said once, "It's a place of worship and also a business," well that's true as it gets. I'm fairly sure they do not receive government funding.

Spouse loves this place and when another weekly event got dismissed 2 months back after 7 years' standing to make the weeklies 2x rather than 3x, he was disappointed. Now if it goes to Main Worship Day attendance only, he'll require a period of adjustment but not as much as if he's banned from attending altogether. I am worried about his spiraling into depression.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> Not a thing I foresee them doing; various congregants have visited here at the house throughout 20 years but not one for religious purposes. He had a friend for the last 5 years, Friend moved away in '18 and maybe 1x yearly visits the congregation and then visits the house. Office Lady suggesting online courses is typical. <<

You might want to talk to them about that. What do they claim their group is FOR anyhow? Is it to make money? To worship? To hang out? To minister to a community? Somewhere they ought to have bylaws or a mission statement specifying that. Some congregations have a committee or the like that makes sure all members -- even the shut-ins -- get regular contact. Online courses are useful for information but less so for socializing.

>> "It's a place of worship and also a business," <<

Those two things are often in disagreement. It's important to know which takes priority when they conflict. This sounds like what you have is really more of a business and social club with religious trappings.

>> I am worried about his spiraling into depression.<<

That's quite likely. Many old people become depressed, often because their situation is depressing. On top of the physical ills, they are often ostracized or abused. Look at all the social brouhaha about how dangerous loneliness is. Most of it basically blames lonely people for being lonely. But what do you do when nobody wants you around? Old people are often forced out of public life. Businesses refuse to permit them in, or require a doctor's approval -- which denies them the right to make their own decisions and live a free life. Well, it's better to be alone than be with abusers or people who obviously don't want you around. Having a supportive community is a luxury that many people are denied. Of course many of them get depressed. It's an ugly type of emotional starvation.

Spiritual work is often HARD work. It means dealing with people who are a pain in the ass, because those are the kinds of people who need that care the most. If people approach this as a business -- which is inherently self-serving -- then those needs won't get met. Very few want to do the hard work of interacting with those who are difficult, and so lots of people wind up being isolated.

That's only going to get worse as families continue to shrink, jobs get even less reliable, and churches lose members. If the churches are now also being run more as businesses ... that's an additional factor undermining contact.

You might look around to see if there are other classes, activities, social groups, etc. that might appeal to him. It wouldn't be the same as one he's been with for years, but it might be better than nothing. Or have more accommodating people.

From:

pronker

Or have more accommodating people. I've given this some thought; there is a more formal, larger venue in the same denomination that is farther away but still workable. He's attended a few functions there, doesn't agree with their core practices, and yet if it's this or nothing, he might choose to relocate on a regular basis. Thursday night went as usual; upon return, Spouse stated "if Worship Leader had an animus with me, he's not going to bring it up in front of others in the class." True enough. Today we'll see if the extra attention Spouse has paid to his cleanliness continues. I plan to text Office Lady right after Spouse leaves for the service and gauge her response before taking any action blocking, etc.

Very few want to do the hard work of interacting with those who are difficult, and so lots of people wind up being isolated. Boy howdy, it sure is. The group is filled with elders who are vital, non-handicapped, and amenable to physical activity. Beside the deceased man who had used a cushion in the ten years I knew him, there was a now deceased lady who towed her oxygen cart each time to services, bless her heart. Nobody attending now has a readily apparent disability except Spouse.

I may have given the wrong impression about the place. It's a private home bought especially for religious services and it's across the street from Worship Leader's home where he lives with his family so there's no handicapped ramp or other accommodations that official places have.

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