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ysabetwordsmithHere ends "Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears." Next in the chronology is Wednesday.
This story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," "Little and Broken, but Still Good," "Byzantine Perplexities," "Up the Water Spout," "The Life of the Dead," "If They Could Just Stay Little," "Anahata," "When the Wheels Come Off," "Against His Own Shield," "Coming in from the Cold: Saturday: Building Towers," "Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Shaking Foundations," "Coming in from the Cold: Monday: Memorial Day," "What Little Boys Are Made Of," and "Rotten Fruit."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, JARVIS, Maria Hill, Daveed, Agent Smith, Agent Jones, Agent Sitwell, Dr. Samson, Rhodey, assorted new SHIELD recruits, Agent Morse, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Angst, survivor guilt, SHIELD, mental health care, facing the past, sexual harassment, uncomfortable body stuff, emotional overload, disability issues, graphic description of past torture, nightmares, nausea, amnesia, despair.
Summary: Several of the Avengers visit SHIELD for a variety of professional and personal reasons. It helps to have friends at your side while facing challenges.
Notes: Courage. Team as family. Competence. Friendship. Slow build. Emotional first aid. Nostalgia. New hobbies. Healing touch. Hurt/comfort. Games. #coulsonlives.
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
"Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears" Part 5
"I can't even recall exactly when or how I got the new arm," Bucky said. He rubbed his right hand over his left. "I just woke up and it was there. I think. But I can remember a couple times when they made major changes. Always hated that. They never told me what they were going to do to me ..."
"That's a bad practice," Bruce said. The dark look was all him, though, no glint of Hulk. "You know I'll always be open and honest with you, Bucky. You deserve the consideration, and the chance to make your own choices."
Bruce is meticulous about protecting everyone's agency, Phil thought. I think it helps him feel more secure about his own, somehow.
"Thanks," Bucky said. "Wish it was clearer, though. It's hard to feel what you're doing, with your hands spread out like that. It's like you're touching my whole arm at once, sometimes."
"I could try using my fingertips, very lightly," Bruce said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bucky said. Steve stirred behind him, but didn't protest aloud, respecting Bucky's choice.
"Just let me know what you feel," Bruce said as his soft hands shifted again.
Bucky giggled. "That tickles."
"I thought your feet weren't ticklish?" Bruce said, looking up.
"His armpits are," Steve said quietly.
"Yeah, it was just for a second, but -- here," Bucky said, pointing to a spot where his left arm joined the shoulder.
"Hmm," Bruce said thoughtfully. He moved a fingertip just below Bucky's little toe.
It took a minute, but then Bucky laughed again. "Weird how it comes and goes."
"Nerves are funny things," Bruce said. "Sometimes you can do the same thing twice in a row, and get a difference response. It's more pronounced when the nerves have been severed, even after the ends heal -- they can throw off false signals, or mixed signals, all kinds of weird results. Most amputees have issues with it now and again."
"I hate thinking of myself that way," Bucky said. He fidgeted against the couch.
Steve ran a soothing hand through his hair. "That doesn't change how I feel about you."
"I know, but sometimes I just ..." Bucky's voice dropped. "... feel like ... less."
"It's a common reaction," Bruce said. "You'll find your way through it. You don't have to do it alone, either. You've got us for backup."
"I guess," Bucky said. His eyebrows pinched together with confusion.
Bruce casually moved one hand to Bucky's right foot, stroking both together. "Let's see if we can get your two sides balanced a little better," Bruce said. "Maybe that will help the left stop sparking around."
Bucky gave a soft sound of pleasure. "S'nice."
"That's good. Relax as much as you can. You don't need to pay attention to anything, just let me work," Bruce said. He kept up the light, rhythmic motion. His voice made a soothing murmur, enough for Bucky to keep an ear on, nothing more.
Bucky hummed under his touch, then eventually went quiet again. Steve petted him from time to time. His broad hand cupped Bucky's shoulder.
"I think he fell asleep on us," Bruce said eventually.
"Yeah, it feels like it; he hasn't moved in a while," Steve said.
"You might want to grab an extra pillow while you can, before the nightmares start, in case he comes up swinging," Bruce said.
Steve stiffened. "Nightmares?"
"He's integrating sensations and memories. They don't fit quite right, because of all the crazy things that happened to him. That tends to cause nightmares," Bruce said. "I know Bucky has issues with that, since we've talked about it a little bit. You two share a bed; you must have seen it before."
"Yeah, it gets pretty bad sometimes. Usually I can ease him out of it, but I worry about him jolting awake and feeling even worse," Steve said.
"It's better that Bucky has someone with him for support," Phil said. "If you can soothe the nightmares even some of the time, that helps." He couldn't help recalling the disastrous occasion of Bucky waking up abruptly with most of his memory missing.
"How, um, how likely is it tonight?" Steve asked.
"I'd say eighty percent at least, maybe better," Bruce said. "I know it sounds awful, but this is probably good for him. Bucky needs a chance to work through things from his past. Okay, I'm no expert here, I'm not that kind of doctor, but I know enough about amputation and torture to make an educated guess."
"Oh," Steve said faintly. "I'm not, uh, doing real well with this subject area. With the train. Department X. Being crippled. Stuff." Steve's fingers drummed nervously on the arm of the couch. "I hate to leave him like this ... but I think ... maybe I should tap out."
Phil held his breath, hoping Steve would follow through on it. This was the first time Phil could recall him volunteering to hand off Bucky's care to someone else.
"I will take your place," Natasha offered, pulling away from Phil. "Bucky is my friend too. I am familiar with his nightmares."
"We can move him without waking him, right?" Bruce asked.
"Yeah, once he's out, he's out," Steve said. He tried to wriggle out from under Bucky, but it was awkward.
"Here, let me help," Bruce said, scooping Bucky toward himself.
"Thanks," Steve said. That gave him enough room to get free. He tiptoed away, the door closing softly behind him.
Natasha slipped into the warm hollow that he left behind. "I am smaller. You will need to lay Bucky in my lap," she said.
Phil brought a light blanket and some spare pillows to make a nest for Bucky and Natasha. "Use these," he said.
Then Bruce lowered Bucky carefully into place. Bucky didn't stir. "There now, that's better," Bruce said.
"Good job," Phil said.
Natasha looked down at Bucky. Her fingertips followed the curving seam of his left shoulder, then a fading scar on his bare chest. She pulled up the blanket, tucking it around him. "Sleep well," she whispered.
"We could be here a while. JARVIS, give us something quiet and pleasant to watch," Phil said.
The viewscreen flicked on, starting a documentary about cooperation among honeybees. It showed mostly fields and flowers, overlain by classical music. From time to time, closeups showed the busy bees at work. The narrator's pleasant voice described the quest for food and the distinctive 'waggle dance' that told of its location.
Tony finished his project and shut off the Starkpad. He looked over at Bruce, steepling his fingers the way they both did while thinking. "How is Bucky's sleep pattern coming along?" Tony asked.
"It's getting better," Bruce said. "He goes under real easy for me now -- well, you saw what just happened." Tony nodded. "Bucky is sleeping about every other night at this point, and in between that he lies down to rest for a few hours. He needs less, like Steve does, so I think Bucky is currently getting almost as much sleep as he needs. Ideally, I'd like to see him get three or four hours a night."
"I hate sleep. It is a ridiculously time-consuming way to recharge," Tony said. "But if it works for Bucky, eh, mileage may vary."
"It's making great progress. I think that's why he's starting to remember more and process those experiences," Bruce said.
"How does that work?" Tony said. "I thought you had to be awake for therapy."
"It's not therapy, exactly," Bruce said. "It's more like, hmm, sleep is when humans defrag their wetware." He paused, tilting his head in thought. "Maybe if you tried it from that perspective, it would help with your insomnia and sleep inertia."
The lightbulb that went on over Tony's head was so dazzling that it cast vivid shadows even in Phil's mind, as sharp and bright as the one in the toolshed. "You are brilliant," Tony breathed. "You are a genius. I love the genius that is you." He hopped up to hug Bruce goodnight. Then Tony gave a happy nod and trotted out of the room.
Phil thought about going to bed himself. It had been a long day. Bruce and Natasha could keep an eye on Bucky. Still, the loveseat was comfortable and the show soothing. Phil hated the idea of bailing out. Instead he dropped into a light doze, the way he sometimes did while snatching sleep on a mission, just skimming lightly up and down the layers of his consciousness.
The documentary ran out. Without anyone asking, JARVIS opened another. This one featured night-blooming flowers. Moths and bats wafted across the dark sky. The background music seemed to consist of nocturnes.
The first faint whimper roused Phil from his reverie. He sat up quickly.
Bucky shuddered in his cocoon of cloth. His arms and legs twitched. He looked miserable. Bruce caught his feet in warm, gentle hands. Bucky babbled something in Russian.
"Яша, вернуться ко мне," Natasha murmured. Yasha, come back to me. She said more, but Phil couldn't make out the rest of it. Her hands trailed lightly down Bucky's arms to settle over his wrists.
That way she can control him if he starts thrashing, Phil realized. He stayed back, out of immediate reach from Bucky's superpowered fists, but ready to help if needed.
Under the care of Bruce and Natasha, Bucky's soft cries of distress faded. The twitching slowly stilled. His body relaxed again. He seemed to be drifting back into a more peaceful sleep.
Then Bucky lunged upright, half-awake already. He made ominous gulping noises.
Bruce hauled him off the couch and hustled him into the bathroom. Loud retching carried through the open door.
"This happens," Natasha said quietly. Her hands balled up the blanket. "The memories make him sick of himself."
She looked so vulnerable that Phil came over to sit beside her, balancing himself on the arm of the couch. "Before, or recently?" he asked.
"Both, I think," Natasha said. She leaned against him just a little, her presence more heat than pressure. "In Russia ... it got bad, sometimes, on the longer ops. There were times he could barely eat."
No wonder he's had problems with food, Phil thought.
Phil heard water running in the bathroom. Then the two men came out, Bruce half-supporting a dazed Bucky. Bruce settled him tenderly onto the cushions next to Natasha. "Take care of him for a minute," Bruce said. "I need to get some things from the kitchen."
Bucky promptly curled into a despondent ball. "We are here," Natasha said to him. She took his left hand in hers.
Bucky pulled it free, then replaced it with his right. He shivered silently.
Phil moved to sit on the coffee table so that he could reach Bucky. Tugging the blanket loose, Phil wrapped it around Bucky again. "If you need to talk, we'll listen," he said. "If you don't want to say anything, that's okay too."
"Who are you?" Bucky whispered. "I know who I am, but I don't know any of you, or this place, and everything's ... weird ... and my head's full of, of ..."
"JARVIS, call Steve," Phil said.
"Don't," Bucky said sharply. "Don't, I can't, I don't want him to know what I've ..." His face crumpled.
"All right," Phil said. His instincts jangled a warning, because it wasn't like Bucky to hide things from Steve of all people; they practically lived in each other's pockets. Bucky's voice sounded eerily young, too.
"Don't tell Steve," Bucky said. "You have to promise ... God, I don't even know if I can trust you." He uncurled enough to rub both hands over his face. Then he stared at the left, opening and closing the fingers.
"This conversation is privacy-locked, as you wish, dating from Steve's departure from this room," JARVIS said.
"I won't tell Steve any of this, unless it turns into an emergency," Phil said. "In that case, I have no chance of keeping him out of it."
"Yeah, he's a runt, but he won't stop for nothin'. Gotta admire that," Bucky said. "Wait, no, that's ... older somehow. Steve got bigger. Shit, my head is such a mess."
"You have been through a great deal," Natasha said.
Phil and Natasha went through the introductory routine. That helped Bucky start to piece together what had happened to him. At least he was able to remember the things they told him, without needing further prompts.
Bruce came back from the kitchen with a steaming cup of tea and a plate of shortbread cookies, which he set on the coffee table. "Ginger and sugar will help once your stomach settles enough to eat something," he said, tapping the plate. "Start with the tea, though. It's chamomile, lemon balm, mallow, and hops so it'll probably put you back to sleep within an hour." Bruce paused and took a sip. "Yeah, that's cool enough." He offered the cup to Bucky.
Bucky took it and then said, "Do I know you too?"
"Wow, you lost a big chunk of memory again," Bruce said. "Okay, yes. My name is Bruce. I'm your doctor, your friend, and your teammate." He parked himself on the couch.
Bucky sipped at the tea and then mused, "You could've put in more hops. I like the sour flavor." Then he gave Bruce a nervous look.
"Yes, you kibbitz on my herbal teas. Yes, it's okay. I like feedback. We cook together too," Bruce said.
"We do?" Bucky said with a faint smile. "Not a lot of fellas cook."
"Most of us do here," Phil said, "although our skill level and recipe selection varies."
"It sounds nice," Bucky said. He wrapped both hands around the cup for comfort, then frowned. He let go with his left hand, flexing the fingers unhappily.
"Does your hand hurt?" Bruce asked, catching it in his own so he could examine the motion.
"No, it's just ... it feels wrong, to touch a warm cup and sense the shape but not the heat," Bucky said. "My hands are different and it's confusing sometimes."
"Contrast discomfort," Bruce murmured. "That's normal."
"Yeah, I need something to hold onto, something safe. I still feel like I'm falling," Bucky said. A wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows. "Why do I feel safe with you when I can't even remember you clearly? It's like seeing ghosts, all filmy and vague."
"You still remember us," Phil said. "You just can't access those memories consciously at the moment. They influence your subconscious anyway. Your memory has been cycling, so you have a different set at different times." Phil was developing a theory about that. "Your brain may be trying to help you deal with things one piece at a time, so it's not as overwhelming. What's in the front of your mind right now? What can you remember, and where are the gaps?"
"Growing up is clear. I remember the Depression, and then the war. Joining the army. I was supposed to ship out, but ... then it just goes blank," Bucky said. He took a longer drink of tea.
"Anything after that?" Phil prompted gently. Bucky's childhood shouldn't have caused the extreme reaction.
"I remember falling," Bucky whispered. "Steve almost caught me. He was too far away though. The look in his eyes when he missed, Jesus, I wish I could forget that."
"You can't work through it when you can't remember it," Phil said, "any more than you could fix an engine without being able to see what's wrong with it. It's upsetting, but you can get through it. What else?"
"I think I hit every tree on the way down. I never hurt so much in my life. Must've broken most of my ribs. Whacked my head a few times too," Bucky said. His voice hitched and dragged over the words. "My arm was the worst, though. I couldn't even feel my hand by the time I landed. The snow was so cold ... nothing after that for a while, it's another big blank." He picked up one of the cookies and nibbled on it.
"Do you remember me," Natasha asked carefully, "from before?"
"Yes," Bucky said. He lowered his head, casting shadows over his eyes. "Мне очень жаль, Наташка." I'm so sorry, Natashka.
"Я прощаю тебя," she replied. I forgive you. "Say whatever you can remember. When we speak what they ordered us to keep secret, we take away their power."
"Take back your choices," Bruce added. "That's the best way to break out of brainwashing. It's hard, but it helps."
"It is hard. I think they did things to me so I couldn't talk. There was a mask, like a muzzle, a gag ... some torture too," Bucky said, dragging the words out. "I killed people. They made me ... a tool, a weapon. They put this thing in me ..." His right fingers dug at his left shoulder. Blunt nails raked over the corrugated scar tissue. Pink lines sprang up in the wake, vivid against his pale skin. "I can remember the sound of the saw in my bones, the way it echoed all up into my head, how much it hurt."
"Be careful with yourself." Bruce reached out, gently but firmly, and peeled Bucky's grip loose before he could damage anything.
"So much blood on my hands, it seems that I'll never get clean again," Bucky said, flexing his fingers.
"You feel dirty because of what they did to you," Phil echoed.
"Every time I think about it," Bucky said. "When I forget, I feel stupid and broken. When I remember, I feel filthy and ruined."
"Red in your ledger," Natasha murmured, tilting her head back against the couch. "Mine is dripping, it's gushing with red. Sometimes it is hard for me to go on. I get very tired." Then she sat up and caught Phil's eye. "But my friends always remind me that I can write in black ink too. That accounts can be balanced, no matter how bad they look. They put the pen in my hands and tell me that the ledger of my life is mine to keep. So I am learning to write my own story."
"I killed so many, and I don't even know all their names. I can see some of the faces. Men, women." One finger circled the rim of the half-empty cup in Bucky's lap. "Alexander Litvinenko, he was the last one I can think of: former KGB, asylum in Great Britain, switched to MI5 and MI6. Polonium-210. They wanted him to know he was dying."
"Bastards," Bruce growled. "That's an ugly way to die --" Bucky flinched away. "-- no, Bucky, it wasn't your fault. Someone made you do that. Leave the guilt on them." His thumb rubbed soothing circles over Bucky's wrist. Bucky leaned against Bruce for support. He wasn't crying outright, but now and then he gave a muffled hiccup.
So that's what happened, Phil thought. It explains a lot. British authorities claimed certainty about the assassin's identity, but they never revealed a name, citing interest in a future trial. You can't take a world-famous assassin to court if you can't find him. I'll have to contact MI5 and smooth it over.
Fortunately there were protocols in place regarding offenses committed under duress. It would help that Agent Coulson had a marker he could cash for this exact circumstance. The Mafioso once used some espionage personnel in gladiatorial games. Agent Coulson and then-Agent Fury had rescued the last two of what started as a unit of ten from MI5. Her Majesty had expressed considerable gratitude for that. None of the three SHIELD assets they'd been sent to extract had survived long enough for rescue to arrive.
"It's easier when they let me use the guns," Bucky said as he took a long drink of his cooling tea. "I hate when they make me kill up close. The feel of the knife going in. Someone's throat under my ha-hands. I hate it." He shuddered.
"You hate feeling someone die. Most snipers do," Phil said. "It's different for close-combat specialists. Some of them have more trouble processing a long-distance kill."
Judging from the personality, this is pre-shipout Bucky with some of the Winter Soldier's memories, Phil thought. The idea made his skin crawl. Phil shifted just enough for his knee to press against Bucky's, a small point of comfort. No wonder he got sick.
Bucky looked at Natasha, because she specialized in contact kills. "They made me train little girls to murder people. Knives. Garrottes. Poison. Guns too, of course. You were ..." He twined a finger through her scarlet curls. "... so young."
"Older than I look, now," Natasha said, covering his hand with hers.
"Aren't we all," Bucky said on a broken note. He set down his cup with a sharp clack, shoving the plate away. He swallowed hard.
Bruce picked up Bucky's left hand again. "Focus on the present," he coached. "These are just bad memories. Those things aren't happening tonight. You're not back there. You're here with us, and you're safe now. Feel my touch." Bruce pressed on Bucky's fingertips, one at a time, then several spots on the palm.
Clever, Phil realized. Bruce figured out where the densest sensor clusters are located.
"Be in this room," Bruce said. "Find me three blue things that you see."
"Huh ... blue," Bucky said slowly. "Light on the television frame." He glanced over his shoulder. "And in the fish tank, do those count? They're kind of blue-white."
"That's good, one more," Bruce said.
"Your shoelaces," Bucky said.
Bruce wiggled his foot where the turquoise laces showed against the gray shoe. "Well done. How are you feeling?"
"Like I really, really want to stop seeing the things in my head. It's a horror flick in here," Bucky said. He picked up his plate, though, and ate another cookie.
"What about your stomach?" Bruce asked.
"Better," Bucky said. He reached for the cup, only to find it empty. He mouthed the rim, chasing the last few drops. Then he held it out to Bruce. "Could I get a refill?"
"Of course," Bruce said. He took the cup into the kitchen.
"Sorry I got sick like a raw recruit," Bucky said.
"It's okay," Phil said.
"I broke the soap dish too," Bucky said. "Bumped it with my elbow."
"Don't worry about it. We can get a new one," Phil assured him.
"But I liked that one," Bucky said. "The blue and white, I think it's pretty. My ma had one kinda like it."
The soap dish in the common bathroom was something that Steve had brought home, early on, after one of his rambles through a nearby thrift store. No wonder Bucky had gotten attached to it. "It was pretty," Phil echoed.
"I will attempt to repair it," Natasha said. "There is a technique I have been wishing to explore."
Bucky curled up one corner of his mouth. "Thanks. I know people these days mostly throw stuff away, but I hate that," he said. "I'd rather fix things. I wish it was as easy to fix myself, though."
"You'll get there," Phil said.
"I know I have to deal with this somehow, but it's just so ... terrible," Bucky said. "I don't know how to make it fit."
"I challenge you to a game of Tetris," Natasha said.
"You want to play video games at a time like this?" Bucky said, incredulous.
Just the fact that Bucky recognized the reference gave Phil hope. Bucky's mind was slowly seeping back into its usual shape.
"Sometimes it helps to integrate memories without turning them into flashbacks," Natasha said. "There are studies, with citations."
I remember those. It's worth a try, Phil thought. "Good idea," he said aloud, turning on the viewscreen.
"I'm not sure I feel like playing," Bucky said.
"You are just saying that because you know you will lose," Natasha said. The faintest hint of teasing colored her tone.
"Well, it's not fair. You've had way more practice than I have," Bucky said.
"Here you go," Bruce said, as he handed Bucky a fresh cup of tea. The fragrance was grassy and sweet. It reminded Phil of a summer meadow.
Bucky tasted it and smiled. "You put in extra hops for me."
"You asked," Bruce said. "What's not fair?"
"Natasha wants me to play Tetris, but she knows the game a lot better than I do," Bucky said.
Bruce wrapped his fingers around Bucky's right wrist, seeking the pulse point. He gave a thoughtful hum. "She has been playing it longer," Bruce said. "Also that tea you're drinking will slow down your reflexes. It soothes an upset stomach by affecting the nerves. You've probably lost a solid five percent off your reaction speed already."
Bucky grimaced. "Great," he said, but he didn't give up the cup.
"We can compensate," Phil said. "JARVIS, please adjust the Tetris program to account for the performance of the players, so they can have a more balanced competition."
"JARVIS ... that's the robot butler fella, right?" Bucky said, looking around the room.
Phil gave a sigh of relief at this further sign of Bucky's memory drifting back toward normal. He's recovering faster than the last time he lost a large amount of recall, Phil thought.
"Essentially correct, Bucky," said JARVIS. The viewscreen divided into halves, each with its own Tetris frame. "I have completed the adjustments, and you may begin at your convenience."
Natasha took out her Starkphone and set it to controller mode. "Well?" she said to Bucky.
Bucky patted his pockets until he found his own phone, frowning over it as he tried to figure out how to copy what she'd done. JARVIS activated the control screen for him. Bucky almost dropped the phone in shock. "That's, um, how did you do that?" he asked.
"As an artificial intelligence, I occupy the same layer of reality as the programs in your phone. I can take over an electronic item to assist people," JARVIS explained quietly. "You have also asked me to serve as your prosthetic memory, Bucky. Look at the screen again."
Phil saw the light flicker as the display changed, presumably bringing up Bucky's file of mnemonic notes. Bucky paged through several screens with a deft touch. At least his muscle memory is in good working order, Phil thought. He moved to the couch, squeezing in next to Bruce, to avoid blocking the main viewscreen.
"Okay," Bucky said in a lighter tone. "Give me back the control screen so I can kick Natasha's tail at Tetris." He stuffed the last cookie in his mouth and prepared to do battle.
"Game on," Natasha said, and the blocks started falling. Hers went a little faster than his.
"Looks like a gravity differential," Bruce observed, a smile quirking one side of his mouth. "That reminds me of a Rube Goldberg game I used to play, where you could fiddle with settings for the gravity and atmosphere and stuff ..."
"All versions of The Incredible Machine are available on the tower server," JARVIS said.
"I was just wondering how that would cross with Tetris," Bruce mused.
"Sir had the same idea in his teens," JARVIS said. "Open the tab for Goldberg Tetris."
Bruce grabbed the nearest Starkpad. He mulled over the menu, muttering, "Let's go to ... um ... Mars. No, wait, what's that? Hygiea? Seriously, we can play Tetris on Hygiea? I want that one instead."
"With respect, Bruce, I recommend that you begin on Mars. The conditions on Hygiea are erratic and therefore much more challenging," JARVIS pointed out.
"I don't care," Bruce said with a grin. "I just want to see what it does." He soon lost himself in the colorful display.
Phil watched them all play. Bucky managed a credible showing against Natasha. Gradually the lines of tension faded from his body. Phil noticed that Bucky's half of the screen slowed, very subtly, as his motions became more languid. Watching that made Phil yawn. Meanwhile Bruce was chuckling over the antics of Tetris in space.
Curious, Phil took out his Starkphone and thumbed through the available games. Evidently Tetris on an irregular asteroid involved blocks that fell in a wobbly path -- all the moreso if your Tetris station was set to trundle across the ground. Not to mention the presence of rockets, trampolines, and other oddities at the higher levels.
By the time Bucky's blocks seemed to fall through molasses, Phil was yawning more often. It was getting late. Idly Phil licked his fingertip and absconded with a few crumbs of shortbread left on Bucky's plate. A chip of ginger made a bright zing of contrast.
Finally Bruce called a halt to the games. "Come on," he said to Bucky. "I'll walk you to bed and put you down for the night."
"Mmmkay," Bucky said from where he drooped against Phil's shoulder.
"Up you go," Phil said as he helped position Bucky for Bruce to lift upright.
"You're stronger than you look," Bucky said, looking down at the much smaller man wrapped around him.
"Strongest," Bruce rumbled as he half-carried Bucky out of the room with easy grace.
"Thank you for helping me take care of Bucky. I am not so good at it," Natasha said. She pressed a kiss to Phil's cheek and then melted away.
"You did very well," Phil assured her. "You were gentle and kind when he needed it, then sassy when he needed that."
A fleeting smile crossed her face. "Goodnight, Phil," she said. Then she padded out of the room, silent as a cat.
Phil yawned again on his way to the elevator. Inside, he leaned against the wall. "Bed, please," he said.
"Coming up," JARVIS said. "May we discuss one last matter on the way, or are you too tired?"
"How complicated is it?" Phil asked, prodding at his level of awareness.
"Nothing sensitive, merely an observation about collectibles in regard to earlier discussions today," JARVIS said.
"I can probably scrape up enough brain for that," Phil said. His phone thrummed, and he dug it out.
"There is one piece of vaseline glass in storage, a plain bowl," JARVIS said, flicking an image onto Phil's screen. "I did not mention it to Clint, because you already offered all the Depression glass to Steve. We have no carnival glass in Clint's referenced colors of amethyst or light blue as yet. Shall I run a search for items approximating his descriptions?"
"I'm not sure exactly how Clint feels about this. He seems to have mixed associations, so I don't know how he'd respond," Phil said. He tapped a forefinger dreamily against the screen. "Run the search, but route the results to me instead of Clint.
"Agreed," JARVIS said. "Thank you for your assistance."
"You're welcome," Phil said. The elevator doors opened, letting him onto his floor. Phil put aside the concerns of the day and headed to bed.
* * *
Notes:
Traumatic memories can cause a great deal of distress. Read about emotional trauma, traumatic stress, and how to help someone through it. This manual for caregivers explains that the first step is to restore a sense of safety. After that, it helps to listen respectfully, so the survivor can process strong feelings and integrate the memories.
Oxytocin strengthens social memory of negative as well as positive things. Consider that it may be released by cuddling to take advantage of having someone to provide comfort through difficult memories.
The nightmares and subsequent vomiting are canonical for the Winter Soldier. Miserable as they are, nightmares can help integrate painful memories. Many survivors find it useful to keep a sleep diary.
(These links are gross.)
Traumatic brain injury occurs from impact to the head. Bucky's fall from the train is an extreme example. Adapting to TBI is a complex journey. It often causes emotional changes, behavior problems, memory loss, and other challenges. It affects family members as well as the survivor. There are ways to cope with TBI, interact with a TBI survivor, and help someone else with it. Understand what TBI survivors want people to know and what they find most helpful.
(These are upsetting too.)
Moral injury happens when something pushes people past their ethical boundaries, such as warfare. Consider Bucky to have multiple, compound, spiral fractures of his moral framework. Moral injuries are difficult but not impossible to treat.
Kintsukuroi is a process of repairing broken pottery with precious metals. This is one of Natasha's new hobbies. See the soap dish from the common bathroom, after Bucky broke it and Natasha fixed it.
Enjoy some Ginger Shortbread Cookies. Many people find these helpful for sensitive digestion.
Many herbs soothe the stomach, aid digestion, and promote wellness. You can buy many types of tummy tamer tea, such as chamomile and fennel or mint and lemon. Choose herbs suited to your complaints, desired goals, and taste preferences. In this case Bruce uses herbs that relax the nerves as well as easing nausea more directly: chamomile, lemon balm, mallow, and hops.
(These links are horrifying.)
Brainwashing abuses people in ways designed to change their thought patterns. Techniques range from everyday manipulation through torture to mindrape. It can be a lengthy process. Bucky has been mentally gangbanged for decades, so obviously that leaves a lot of damage. Breaking free of brainwashing is difficult and unpleasant, but possible. Grounding techniques and relaxation tools may help get through it.
(So are these.)
Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned with polonium-210. Hideous as it is, that's a true story; it seemed like the kind of thing that Department X would use the Winter Soldier for.
Tetris is a virtual stacking-sorting game which encourages the brain to think in patterns. Thus it can reduce flashbacks by helping the brain process traumatic memories. (In essence, a flashback is a 'stuck' memory.) You can play Tetris online -- useful to keep handy in case of emergencies. Check out some controls here and improve your game.
The Incredible Machine is a game series in which the player builds Rube Goldberg devices.
Asteroids are small solid bodies in space, often irregularly shaped in ways that can distort their surface gravity. Higiea is one.
Vaseline glass is a collectible with a yellow-green color tinted with uranium, which glows under ultraviolet radiation.
~MISSION ACCOMPLISHED~
This story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," "Little and Broken, but Still Good," "Byzantine Perplexities," "Up the Water Spout," "The Life of the Dead," "If They Could Just Stay Little," "Anahata," "When the Wheels Come Off," "Against His Own Shield," "Coming in from the Cold: Saturday: Building Towers," "Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Shaking Foundations," "Coming in from the Cold: Monday: Memorial Day," "What Little Boys Are Made Of," and "Rotten Fruit."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, JARVIS, Maria Hill, Daveed, Agent Smith, Agent Jones, Agent Sitwell, Dr. Samson, Rhodey, assorted new SHIELD recruits, Agent Morse, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Angst, survivor guilt, SHIELD, mental health care, facing the past, sexual harassment, uncomfortable body stuff, emotional overload, disability issues, graphic description of past torture, nightmares, nausea, amnesia, despair.
Summary: Several of the Avengers visit SHIELD for a variety of professional and personal reasons. It helps to have friends at your side while facing challenges.
Notes: Courage. Team as family. Competence. Friendship. Slow build. Emotional first aid. Nostalgia. New hobbies. Healing touch. Hurt/comfort. Games. #coulsonlives.
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
"Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears" Part 5
"I can't even recall exactly when or how I got the new arm," Bucky said. He rubbed his right hand over his left. "I just woke up and it was there. I think. But I can remember a couple times when they made major changes. Always hated that. They never told me what they were going to do to me ..."
"That's a bad practice," Bruce said. The dark look was all him, though, no glint of Hulk. "You know I'll always be open and honest with you, Bucky. You deserve the consideration, and the chance to make your own choices."
Bruce is meticulous about protecting everyone's agency, Phil thought. I think it helps him feel more secure about his own, somehow.
"Thanks," Bucky said. "Wish it was clearer, though. It's hard to feel what you're doing, with your hands spread out like that. It's like you're touching my whole arm at once, sometimes."
"I could try using my fingertips, very lightly," Bruce said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bucky said. Steve stirred behind him, but didn't protest aloud, respecting Bucky's choice.
"Just let me know what you feel," Bruce said as his soft hands shifted again.
Bucky giggled. "That tickles."
"I thought your feet weren't ticklish?" Bruce said, looking up.
"His armpits are," Steve said quietly.
"Yeah, it was just for a second, but -- here," Bucky said, pointing to a spot where his left arm joined the shoulder.
"Hmm," Bruce said thoughtfully. He moved a fingertip just below Bucky's little toe.
It took a minute, but then Bucky laughed again. "Weird how it comes and goes."
"Nerves are funny things," Bruce said. "Sometimes you can do the same thing twice in a row, and get a difference response. It's more pronounced when the nerves have been severed, even after the ends heal -- they can throw off false signals, or mixed signals, all kinds of weird results. Most amputees have issues with it now and again."
"I hate thinking of myself that way," Bucky said. He fidgeted against the couch.
Steve ran a soothing hand through his hair. "That doesn't change how I feel about you."
"I know, but sometimes I just ..." Bucky's voice dropped. "... feel like ... less."
"It's a common reaction," Bruce said. "You'll find your way through it. You don't have to do it alone, either. You've got us for backup."
"I guess," Bucky said. His eyebrows pinched together with confusion.
Bruce casually moved one hand to Bucky's right foot, stroking both together. "Let's see if we can get your two sides balanced a little better," Bruce said. "Maybe that will help the left stop sparking around."
Bucky gave a soft sound of pleasure. "S'nice."
"That's good. Relax as much as you can. You don't need to pay attention to anything, just let me work," Bruce said. He kept up the light, rhythmic motion. His voice made a soothing murmur, enough for Bucky to keep an ear on, nothing more.
Bucky hummed under his touch, then eventually went quiet again. Steve petted him from time to time. His broad hand cupped Bucky's shoulder.
"I think he fell asleep on us," Bruce said eventually.
"Yeah, it feels like it; he hasn't moved in a while," Steve said.
"You might want to grab an extra pillow while you can, before the nightmares start, in case he comes up swinging," Bruce said.
Steve stiffened. "Nightmares?"
"He's integrating sensations and memories. They don't fit quite right, because of all the crazy things that happened to him. That tends to cause nightmares," Bruce said. "I know Bucky has issues with that, since we've talked about it a little bit. You two share a bed; you must have seen it before."
"Yeah, it gets pretty bad sometimes. Usually I can ease him out of it, but I worry about him jolting awake and feeling even worse," Steve said.
"It's better that Bucky has someone with him for support," Phil said. "If you can soothe the nightmares even some of the time, that helps." He couldn't help recalling the disastrous occasion of Bucky waking up abruptly with most of his memory missing.
"How, um, how likely is it tonight?" Steve asked.
"I'd say eighty percent at least, maybe better," Bruce said. "I know it sounds awful, but this is probably good for him. Bucky needs a chance to work through things from his past. Okay, I'm no expert here, I'm not that kind of doctor, but I know enough about amputation and torture to make an educated guess."
"Oh," Steve said faintly. "I'm not, uh, doing real well with this subject area. With the train. Department X. Being crippled. Stuff." Steve's fingers drummed nervously on the arm of the couch. "I hate to leave him like this ... but I think ... maybe I should tap out."
Phil held his breath, hoping Steve would follow through on it. This was the first time Phil could recall him volunteering to hand off Bucky's care to someone else.
"I will take your place," Natasha offered, pulling away from Phil. "Bucky is my friend too. I am familiar with his nightmares."
"We can move him without waking him, right?" Bruce asked.
"Yeah, once he's out, he's out," Steve said. He tried to wriggle out from under Bucky, but it was awkward.
"Here, let me help," Bruce said, scooping Bucky toward himself.
"Thanks," Steve said. That gave him enough room to get free. He tiptoed away, the door closing softly behind him.
Natasha slipped into the warm hollow that he left behind. "I am smaller. You will need to lay Bucky in my lap," she said.
Phil brought a light blanket and some spare pillows to make a nest for Bucky and Natasha. "Use these," he said.
Then Bruce lowered Bucky carefully into place. Bucky didn't stir. "There now, that's better," Bruce said.
"Good job," Phil said.
Natasha looked down at Bucky. Her fingertips followed the curving seam of his left shoulder, then a fading scar on his bare chest. She pulled up the blanket, tucking it around him. "Sleep well," she whispered.
"We could be here a while. JARVIS, give us something quiet and pleasant to watch," Phil said.
The viewscreen flicked on, starting a documentary about cooperation among honeybees. It showed mostly fields and flowers, overlain by classical music. From time to time, closeups showed the busy bees at work. The narrator's pleasant voice described the quest for food and the distinctive 'waggle dance' that told of its location.
Tony finished his project and shut off the Starkpad. He looked over at Bruce, steepling his fingers the way they both did while thinking. "How is Bucky's sleep pattern coming along?" Tony asked.
"It's getting better," Bruce said. "He goes under real easy for me now -- well, you saw what just happened." Tony nodded. "Bucky is sleeping about every other night at this point, and in between that he lies down to rest for a few hours. He needs less, like Steve does, so I think Bucky is currently getting almost as much sleep as he needs. Ideally, I'd like to see him get three or four hours a night."
"I hate sleep. It is a ridiculously time-consuming way to recharge," Tony said. "But if it works for Bucky, eh, mileage may vary."
"It's making great progress. I think that's why he's starting to remember more and process those experiences," Bruce said.
"How does that work?" Tony said. "I thought you had to be awake for therapy."
"It's not therapy, exactly," Bruce said. "It's more like, hmm, sleep is when humans defrag their wetware." He paused, tilting his head in thought. "Maybe if you tried it from that perspective, it would help with your insomnia and sleep inertia."
The lightbulb that went on over Tony's head was so dazzling that it cast vivid shadows even in Phil's mind, as sharp and bright as the one in the toolshed. "You are brilliant," Tony breathed. "You are a genius. I love the genius that is you." He hopped up to hug Bruce goodnight. Then Tony gave a happy nod and trotted out of the room.
Phil thought about going to bed himself. It had been a long day. Bruce and Natasha could keep an eye on Bucky. Still, the loveseat was comfortable and the show soothing. Phil hated the idea of bailing out. Instead he dropped into a light doze, the way he sometimes did while snatching sleep on a mission, just skimming lightly up and down the layers of his consciousness.
The documentary ran out. Without anyone asking, JARVIS opened another. This one featured night-blooming flowers. Moths and bats wafted across the dark sky. The background music seemed to consist of nocturnes.
The first faint whimper roused Phil from his reverie. He sat up quickly.
Bucky shuddered in his cocoon of cloth. His arms and legs twitched. He looked miserable. Bruce caught his feet in warm, gentle hands. Bucky babbled something in Russian.
"Яша, вернуться ко мне," Natasha murmured. Yasha, come back to me. She said more, but Phil couldn't make out the rest of it. Her hands trailed lightly down Bucky's arms to settle over his wrists.
That way she can control him if he starts thrashing, Phil realized. He stayed back, out of immediate reach from Bucky's superpowered fists, but ready to help if needed.
Under the care of Bruce and Natasha, Bucky's soft cries of distress faded. The twitching slowly stilled. His body relaxed again. He seemed to be drifting back into a more peaceful sleep.
Then Bucky lunged upright, half-awake already. He made ominous gulping noises.
Bruce hauled him off the couch and hustled him into the bathroom. Loud retching carried through the open door.
"This happens," Natasha said quietly. Her hands balled up the blanket. "The memories make him sick of himself."
She looked so vulnerable that Phil came over to sit beside her, balancing himself on the arm of the couch. "Before, or recently?" he asked.
"Both, I think," Natasha said. She leaned against him just a little, her presence more heat than pressure. "In Russia ... it got bad, sometimes, on the longer ops. There were times he could barely eat."
No wonder he's had problems with food, Phil thought.
Phil heard water running in the bathroom. Then the two men came out, Bruce half-supporting a dazed Bucky. Bruce settled him tenderly onto the cushions next to Natasha. "Take care of him for a minute," Bruce said. "I need to get some things from the kitchen."
Bucky promptly curled into a despondent ball. "We are here," Natasha said to him. She took his left hand in hers.
Bucky pulled it free, then replaced it with his right. He shivered silently.
Phil moved to sit on the coffee table so that he could reach Bucky. Tugging the blanket loose, Phil wrapped it around Bucky again. "If you need to talk, we'll listen," he said. "If you don't want to say anything, that's okay too."
"Who are you?" Bucky whispered. "I know who I am, but I don't know any of you, or this place, and everything's ... weird ... and my head's full of, of ..."
"JARVIS, call Steve," Phil said.
"Don't," Bucky said sharply. "Don't, I can't, I don't want him to know what I've ..." His face crumpled.
"All right," Phil said. His instincts jangled a warning, because it wasn't like Bucky to hide things from Steve of all people; they practically lived in each other's pockets. Bucky's voice sounded eerily young, too.
"Don't tell Steve," Bucky said. "You have to promise ... God, I don't even know if I can trust you." He uncurled enough to rub both hands over his face. Then he stared at the left, opening and closing the fingers.
"This conversation is privacy-locked, as you wish, dating from Steve's departure from this room," JARVIS said.
"I won't tell Steve any of this, unless it turns into an emergency," Phil said. "In that case, I have no chance of keeping him out of it."
"Yeah, he's a runt, but he won't stop for nothin'. Gotta admire that," Bucky said. "Wait, no, that's ... older somehow. Steve got bigger. Shit, my head is such a mess."
"You have been through a great deal," Natasha said.
Phil and Natasha went through the introductory routine. That helped Bucky start to piece together what had happened to him. At least he was able to remember the things they told him, without needing further prompts.
Bruce came back from the kitchen with a steaming cup of tea and a plate of shortbread cookies, which he set on the coffee table. "Ginger and sugar will help once your stomach settles enough to eat something," he said, tapping the plate. "Start with the tea, though. It's chamomile, lemon balm, mallow, and hops so it'll probably put you back to sleep within an hour." Bruce paused and took a sip. "Yeah, that's cool enough." He offered the cup to Bucky.
Bucky took it and then said, "Do I know you too?"
"Wow, you lost a big chunk of memory again," Bruce said. "Okay, yes. My name is Bruce. I'm your doctor, your friend, and your teammate." He parked himself on the couch.
Bucky sipped at the tea and then mused, "You could've put in more hops. I like the sour flavor." Then he gave Bruce a nervous look.
"Yes, you kibbitz on my herbal teas. Yes, it's okay. I like feedback. We cook together too," Bruce said.
"We do?" Bucky said with a faint smile. "Not a lot of fellas cook."
"Most of us do here," Phil said, "although our skill level and recipe selection varies."
"It sounds nice," Bucky said. He wrapped both hands around the cup for comfort, then frowned. He let go with his left hand, flexing the fingers unhappily.
"Does your hand hurt?" Bruce asked, catching it in his own so he could examine the motion.
"No, it's just ... it feels wrong, to touch a warm cup and sense the shape but not the heat," Bucky said. "My hands are different and it's confusing sometimes."
"Contrast discomfort," Bruce murmured. "That's normal."
"Yeah, I need something to hold onto, something safe. I still feel like I'm falling," Bucky said. A wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows. "Why do I feel safe with you when I can't even remember you clearly? It's like seeing ghosts, all filmy and vague."
"You still remember us," Phil said. "You just can't access those memories consciously at the moment. They influence your subconscious anyway. Your memory has been cycling, so you have a different set at different times." Phil was developing a theory about that. "Your brain may be trying to help you deal with things one piece at a time, so it's not as overwhelming. What's in the front of your mind right now? What can you remember, and where are the gaps?"
"Growing up is clear. I remember the Depression, and then the war. Joining the army. I was supposed to ship out, but ... then it just goes blank," Bucky said. He took a longer drink of tea.
"Anything after that?" Phil prompted gently. Bucky's childhood shouldn't have caused the extreme reaction.
"I remember falling," Bucky whispered. "Steve almost caught me. He was too far away though. The look in his eyes when he missed, Jesus, I wish I could forget that."
"You can't work through it when you can't remember it," Phil said, "any more than you could fix an engine without being able to see what's wrong with it. It's upsetting, but you can get through it. What else?"
"I think I hit every tree on the way down. I never hurt so much in my life. Must've broken most of my ribs. Whacked my head a few times too," Bucky said. His voice hitched and dragged over the words. "My arm was the worst, though. I couldn't even feel my hand by the time I landed. The snow was so cold ... nothing after that for a while, it's another big blank." He picked up one of the cookies and nibbled on it.
"Do you remember me," Natasha asked carefully, "from before?"
"Yes," Bucky said. He lowered his head, casting shadows over his eyes. "Мне очень жаль, Наташка." I'm so sorry, Natashka.
"Я прощаю тебя," she replied. I forgive you. "Say whatever you can remember. When we speak what they ordered us to keep secret, we take away their power."
"Take back your choices," Bruce added. "That's the best way to break out of brainwashing. It's hard, but it helps."
"It is hard. I think they did things to me so I couldn't talk. There was a mask, like a muzzle, a gag ... some torture too," Bucky said, dragging the words out. "I killed people. They made me ... a tool, a weapon. They put this thing in me ..." His right fingers dug at his left shoulder. Blunt nails raked over the corrugated scar tissue. Pink lines sprang up in the wake, vivid against his pale skin. "I can remember the sound of the saw in my bones, the way it echoed all up into my head, how much it hurt."
"Be careful with yourself." Bruce reached out, gently but firmly, and peeled Bucky's grip loose before he could damage anything.
"So much blood on my hands, it seems that I'll never get clean again," Bucky said, flexing his fingers.
"You feel dirty because of what they did to you," Phil echoed.
"Every time I think about it," Bucky said. "When I forget, I feel stupid and broken. When I remember, I feel filthy and ruined."
"Red in your ledger," Natasha murmured, tilting her head back against the couch. "Mine is dripping, it's gushing with red. Sometimes it is hard for me to go on. I get very tired." Then she sat up and caught Phil's eye. "But my friends always remind me that I can write in black ink too. That accounts can be balanced, no matter how bad they look. They put the pen in my hands and tell me that the ledger of my life is mine to keep. So I am learning to write my own story."
"I killed so many, and I don't even know all their names. I can see some of the faces. Men, women." One finger circled the rim of the half-empty cup in Bucky's lap. "Alexander Litvinenko, he was the last one I can think of: former KGB, asylum in Great Britain, switched to MI5 and MI6. Polonium-210. They wanted him to know he was dying."
"Bastards," Bruce growled. "That's an ugly way to die --" Bucky flinched away. "-- no, Bucky, it wasn't your fault. Someone made you do that. Leave the guilt on them." His thumb rubbed soothing circles over Bucky's wrist. Bucky leaned against Bruce for support. He wasn't crying outright, but now and then he gave a muffled hiccup.
So that's what happened, Phil thought. It explains a lot. British authorities claimed certainty about the assassin's identity, but they never revealed a name, citing interest in a future trial. You can't take a world-famous assassin to court if you can't find him. I'll have to contact MI5 and smooth it over.
Fortunately there were protocols in place regarding offenses committed under duress. It would help that Agent Coulson had a marker he could cash for this exact circumstance. The Mafioso once used some espionage personnel in gladiatorial games. Agent Coulson and then-Agent Fury had rescued the last two of what started as a unit of ten from MI5. Her Majesty had expressed considerable gratitude for that. None of the three SHIELD assets they'd been sent to extract had survived long enough for rescue to arrive.
"It's easier when they let me use the guns," Bucky said as he took a long drink of his cooling tea. "I hate when they make me kill up close. The feel of the knife going in. Someone's throat under my ha-hands. I hate it." He shuddered.
"You hate feeling someone die. Most snipers do," Phil said. "It's different for close-combat specialists. Some of them have more trouble processing a long-distance kill."
Judging from the personality, this is pre-shipout Bucky with some of the Winter Soldier's memories, Phil thought. The idea made his skin crawl. Phil shifted just enough for his knee to press against Bucky's, a small point of comfort. No wonder he got sick.
Bucky looked at Natasha, because she specialized in contact kills. "They made me train little girls to murder people. Knives. Garrottes. Poison. Guns too, of course. You were ..." He twined a finger through her scarlet curls. "... so young."
"Older than I look, now," Natasha said, covering his hand with hers.
"Aren't we all," Bucky said on a broken note. He set down his cup with a sharp clack, shoving the plate away. He swallowed hard.
Bruce picked up Bucky's left hand again. "Focus on the present," he coached. "These are just bad memories. Those things aren't happening tonight. You're not back there. You're here with us, and you're safe now. Feel my touch." Bruce pressed on Bucky's fingertips, one at a time, then several spots on the palm.
Clever, Phil realized. Bruce figured out where the densest sensor clusters are located.
"Be in this room," Bruce said. "Find me three blue things that you see."
"Huh ... blue," Bucky said slowly. "Light on the television frame." He glanced over his shoulder. "And in the fish tank, do those count? They're kind of blue-white."
"That's good, one more," Bruce said.
"Your shoelaces," Bucky said.
Bruce wiggled his foot where the turquoise laces showed against the gray shoe. "Well done. How are you feeling?"
"Like I really, really want to stop seeing the things in my head. It's a horror flick in here," Bucky said. He picked up his plate, though, and ate another cookie.
"What about your stomach?" Bruce asked.
"Better," Bucky said. He reached for the cup, only to find it empty. He mouthed the rim, chasing the last few drops. Then he held it out to Bruce. "Could I get a refill?"
"Of course," Bruce said. He took the cup into the kitchen.
"Sorry I got sick like a raw recruit," Bucky said.
"It's okay," Phil said.
"I broke the soap dish too," Bucky said. "Bumped it with my elbow."
"Don't worry about it. We can get a new one," Phil assured him.
"But I liked that one," Bucky said. "The blue and white, I think it's pretty. My ma had one kinda like it."
The soap dish in the common bathroom was something that Steve had brought home, early on, after one of his rambles through a nearby thrift store. No wonder Bucky had gotten attached to it. "It was pretty," Phil echoed.
"I will attempt to repair it," Natasha said. "There is a technique I have been wishing to explore."
Bucky curled up one corner of his mouth. "Thanks. I know people these days mostly throw stuff away, but I hate that," he said. "I'd rather fix things. I wish it was as easy to fix myself, though."
"You'll get there," Phil said.
"I know I have to deal with this somehow, but it's just so ... terrible," Bucky said. "I don't know how to make it fit."
"I challenge you to a game of Tetris," Natasha said.
"You want to play video games at a time like this?" Bucky said, incredulous.
Just the fact that Bucky recognized the reference gave Phil hope. Bucky's mind was slowly seeping back into its usual shape.
"Sometimes it helps to integrate memories without turning them into flashbacks," Natasha said. "There are studies, with citations."
I remember those. It's worth a try, Phil thought. "Good idea," he said aloud, turning on the viewscreen.
"I'm not sure I feel like playing," Bucky said.
"You are just saying that because you know you will lose," Natasha said. The faintest hint of teasing colored her tone.
"Well, it's not fair. You've had way more practice than I have," Bucky said.
"Here you go," Bruce said, as he handed Bucky a fresh cup of tea. The fragrance was grassy and sweet. It reminded Phil of a summer meadow.
Bucky tasted it and smiled. "You put in extra hops for me."
"You asked," Bruce said. "What's not fair?"
"Natasha wants me to play Tetris, but she knows the game a lot better than I do," Bucky said.
Bruce wrapped his fingers around Bucky's right wrist, seeking the pulse point. He gave a thoughtful hum. "She has been playing it longer," Bruce said. "Also that tea you're drinking will slow down your reflexes. It soothes an upset stomach by affecting the nerves. You've probably lost a solid five percent off your reaction speed already."
Bucky grimaced. "Great," he said, but he didn't give up the cup.
"We can compensate," Phil said. "JARVIS, please adjust the Tetris program to account for the performance of the players, so they can have a more balanced competition."
"JARVIS ... that's the robot butler fella, right?" Bucky said, looking around the room.
Phil gave a sigh of relief at this further sign of Bucky's memory drifting back toward normal. He's recovering faster than the last time he lost a large amount of recall, Phil thought.
"Essentially correct, Bucky," said JARVIS. The viewscreen divided into halves, each with its own Tetris frame. "I have completed the adjustments, and you may begin at your convenience."
Natasha took out her Starkphone and set it to controller mode. "Well?" she said to Bucky.
Bucky patted his pockets until he found his own phone, frowning over it as he tried to figure out how to copy what she'd done. JARVIS activated the control screen for him. Bucky almost dropped the phone in shock. "That's, um, how did you do that?" he asked.
"As an artificial intelligence, I occupy the same layer of reality as the programs in your phone. I can take over an electronic item to assist people," JARVIS explained quietly. "You have also asked me to serve as your prosthetic memory, Bucky. Look at the screen again."
Phil saw the light flicker as the display changed, presumably bringing up Bucky's file of mnemonic notes. Bucky paged through several screens with a deft touch. At least his muscle memory is in good working order, Phil thought. He moved to the couch, squeezing in next to Bruce, to avoid blocking the main viewscreen.
"Okay," Bucky said in a lighter tone. "Give me back the control screen so I can kick Natasha's tail at Tetris." He stuffed the last cookie in his mouth and prepared to do battle.
"Game on," Natasha said, and the blocks started falling. Hers went a little faster than his.
"Looks like a gravity differential," Bruce observed, a smile quirking one side of his mouth. "That reminds me of a Rube Goldberg game I used to play, where you could fiddle with settings for the gravity and atmosphere and stuff ..."
"All versions of The Incredible Machine are available on the tower server," JARVIS said.
"I was just wondering how that would cross with Tetris," Bruce mused.
"Sir had the same idea in his teens," JARVIS said. "Open the tab for Goldberg Tetris."
Bruce grabbed the nearest Starkpad. He mulled over the menu, muttering, "Let's go to ... um ... Mars. No, wait, what's that? Hygiea? Seriously, we can play Tetris on Hygiea? I want that one instead."
"With respect, Bruce, I recommend that you begin on Mars. The conditions on Hygiea are erratic and therefore much more challenging," JARVIS pointed out.
"I don't care," Bruce said with a grin. "I just want to see what it does." He soon lost himself in the colorful display.
Phil watched them all play. Bucky managed a credible showing against Natasha. Gradually the lines of tension faded from his body. Phil noticed that Bucky's half of the screen slowed, very subtly, as his motions became more languid. Watching that made Phil yawn. Meanwhile Bruce was chuckling over the antics of Tetris in space.
Curious, Phil took out his Starkphone and thumbed through the available games. Evidently Tetris on an irregular asteroid involved blocks that fell in a wobbly path -- all the moreso if your Tetris station was set to trundle across the ground. Not to mention the presence of rockets, trampolines, and other oddities at the higher levels.
By the time Bucky's blocks seemed to fall through molasses, Phil was yawning more often. It was getting late. Idly Phil licked his fingertip and absconded with a few crumbs of shortbread left on Bucky's plate. A chip of ginger made a bright zing of contrast.
Finally Bruce called a halt to the games. "Come on," he said to Bucky. "I'll walk you to bed and put you down for the night."
"Mmmkay," Bucky said from where he drooped against Phil's shoulder.
"Up you go," Phil said as he helped position Bucky for Bruce to lift upright.
"You're stronger than you look," Bucky said, looking down at the much smaller man wrapped around him.
"Strongest," Bruce rumbled as he half-carried Bucky out of the room with easy grace.
"Thank you for helping me take care of Bucky. I am not so good at it," Natasha said. She pressed a kiss to Phil's cheek and then melted away.
"You did very well," Phil assured her. "You were gentle and kind when he needed it, then sassy when he needed that."
A fleeting smile crossed her face. "Goodnight, Phil," she said. Then she padded out of the room, silent as a cat.
Phil yawned again on his way to the elevator. Inside, he leaned against the wall. "Bed, please," he said.
"Coming up," JARVIS said. "May we discuss one last matter on the way, or are you too tired?"
"How complicated is it?" Phil asked, prodding at his level of awareness.
"Nothing sensitive, merely an observation about collectibles in regard to earlier discussions today," JARVIS said.
"I can probably scrape up enough brain for that," Phil said. His phone thrummed, and he dug it out.
"There is one piece of vaseline glass in storage, a plain bowl," JARVIS said, flicking an image onto Phil's screen. "I did not mention it to Clint, because you already offered all the Depression glass to Steve. We have no carnival glass in Clint's referenced colors of amethyst or light blue as yet. Shall I run a search for items approximating his descriptions?"
"I'm not sure exactly how Clint feels about this. He seems to have mixed associations, so I don't know how he'd respond," Phil said. He tapped a forefinger dreamily against the screen. "Run the search, but route the results to me instead of Clint.
"Agreed," JARVIS said. "Thank you for your assistance."
"You're welcome," Phil said. The elevator doors opened, letting him onto his floor. Phil put aside the concerns of the day and headed to bed.
* * *
Notes:
Traumatic memories can cause a great deal of distress. Read about emotional trauma, traumatic stress, and how to help someone through it. This manual for caregivers explains that the first step is to restore a sense of safety. After that, it helps to listen respectfully, so the survivor can process strong feelings and integrate the memories.
Oxytocin strengthens social memory of negative as well as positive things. Consider that it may be released by cuddling to take advantage of having someone to provide comfort through difficult memories.
The nightmares and subsequent vomiting are canonical for the Winter Soldier. Miserable as they are, nightmares can help integrate painful memories. Many survivors find it useful to keep a sleep diary.
(These links are gross.)
Traumatic brain injury occurs from impact to the head. Bucky's fall from the train is an extreme example. Adapting to TBI is a complex journey. It often causes emotional changes, behavior problems, memory loss, and other challenges. It affects family members as well as the survivor. There are ways to cope with TBI, interact with a TBI survivor, and help someone else with it. Understand what TBI survivors want people to know and what they find most helpful.
(These are upsetting too.)
Moral injury happens when something pushes people past their ethical boundaries, such as warfare. Consider Bucky to have multiple, compound, spiral fractures of his moral framework. Moral injuries are difficult but not impossible to treat.
Kintsukuroi is a process of repairing broken pottery with precious metals. This is one of Natasha's new hobbies. See the soap dish from the common bathroom, after Bucky broke it and Natasha fixed it.
Enjoy some Ginger Shortbread Cookies. Many people find these helpful for sensitive digestion.
Many herbs soothe the stomach, aid digestion, and promote wellness. You can buy many types of tummy tamer tea, such as chamomile and fennel or mint and lemon. Choose herbs suited to your complaints, desired goals, and taste preferences. In this case Bruce uses herbs that relax the nerves as well as easing nausea more directly: chamomile, lemon balm, mallow, and hops.
(These links are horrifying.)
Brainwashing abuses people in ways designed to change their thought patterns. Techniques range from everyday manipulation through torture to mindrape. It can be a lengthy process. Bucky has been mentally gangbanged for decades, so obviously that leaves a lot of damage. Breaking free of brainwashing is difficult and unpleasant, but possible. Grounding techniques and relaxation tools may help get through it.
(So are these.)
Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned with polonium-210. Hideous as it is, that's a true story; it seemed like the kind of thing that Department X would use the Winter Soldier for.
Tetris is a virtual stacking-sorting game which encourages the brain to think in patterns. Thus it can reduce flashbacks by helping the brain process traumatic memories. (In essence, a flashback is a 'stuck' memory.) You can play Tetris online -- useful to keep handy in case of emergencies. Check out some controls here and improve your game.
The Incredible Machine is a game series in which the player builds Rube Goldberg devices.
Asteroids are small solid bodies in space, often irregularly shaped in ways that can distort their surface gravity. Higiea is one.
Vaseline glass is a collectible with a yellow-green color tinted with uranium, which glows under ultraviolet radiation.
~MISSION ACCOMPLISHED~
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 02:54 am (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2016-11-05 03:03 am (UTC)That's why I introduced it earlier. It seemed perfect for her, and the team.
>>Thank you for posting this, it's such a pleasure to read.<<
I'm happy to hear that.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 04:28 am (UTC)I do have one question, though, that I hope you won't mind answering; it's not a criticism, just a curiosity: why did you choose to have Agent Morse be the one to sexually harass (and possibly assault) Clint? I mean, I know Clint and Bobbi have romantic and sexual history in canon; I'm just wondering if there's something I'm missing about her as a character that led you to this characterization.
Thoughts
Date: 2016-11-05 04:42 am (UTC)Yay!
>> It had a lot of stuff I really enjoyed: JARVIS helping Clint deal with both what Agent Morse did and the unfortunate aftermath (filling out the forms); <<
Yeah, that was rough on everyone.
>> all the stuff with the historical glass items; <<
There will be more of this in the future.
>> everyone dealing with being uncomfortable and making choices about how to deal with that; <<
I think they're getting better at it, though.
>> Tony's reaction to Bruce's suggestion about sleep; <<
Tony's sleep patterns have been fluctuating since the other Avengers moved into the Tower. It's disconcerting for him, but ultimately healthier than before, and this is a very helpful piece of that puzzle.
>> Natasha's first foray into kintsukuroi; and, to be perfectly honest, probably a few things I'm not even thinking of right now! <<
\o/
>>I do have one question, though, that I hope you won't mind answering; it's not a criticism, just a curiosity: why did you choose to have Agent Morse be the one to sexually harass (and possibly assault) Clint? I mean, I know Clint and Bobbi have romantic and sexual history in canon; I'm just wondering if there's something I'm missing about her as a character that led you to this characterization.<<
Variously because:
* She did have a romatnic/sexual history with Clint in canon, but this Clint is ace. The contact is there, but not the affinity, in this setting.
* Also in canon she's kind of a mess. (Who isn't?) There are implications of some ugly stuff, with and without Clint.
* Marvel has established that SHIELD tends to run on "might makes right." I've nerfed that somewhat in this series, but not the temptation for it. She wants him and thinks that justifies simply taking whatever she wants from him. Just like men usually do to women.
* In fanfic, some characters tend to come out better than in canon, others worse. So this relationship is not reciprocated, and it leaves her looking like a jerk. You can also see hints that she's messing around with augmenting herself, and that's something else which has appeared in some versions of canon.
I hope this helps.
I SAW THAT
Date: 2016-11-05 04:42 am (UTC)HI HULK!!!!
that was BEAUTIFUL and nobody noticed! :D :D :D :D (Hulk is tricksy and smart and lovely *pats him*)
Oh Bucky but at least the defraging seems to be helping and he let people be in his space even though he didn't quite know who they were yet!
GO BRUCES BRILLIANT BRAIN! Hopefully his analogies help Tony out!
WOOO STEVE! Good job tapping out! \0/
*ahem* This chapter was both difficult and encouraging, thank you master Tolkien for teaching ysabet the ways of the hurt/comfort ratchet machine
Re: I SAW THAT
Date: 2016-11-05 04:52 am (UTC)HI HULK!!!! <<
:D Go you!
>> that was BEAUTIFUL and nobody noticed! :D :D :D :D (Hulk is tricksy and smart and lovely *pats him*) <<
People don't seem to notice Hulk unless he shifts all the way into Front and thus changes shape. In other words, people see only what they expect to see. But it has always been canon that Bruce-and-Hulk are epic refugees who are all but impossible to find. So Hulk is canonically sneaky. There are places in canon where I think he is lurking, or subtly doing things that even Bruce doesn't realize are Hulk's idea.
For all that Bruce bitches about how much Hulk has wrecked their life, Hulk is exquisitely gentle of Bruce's space now.
>> Oh Bucky but at least the defraging seems to be helping and he let people be in his space even though he didn't quite know who they were yet! <<
Memory is a mysterious thing. It has many layers. In Bucky's case, some are more damaged than others. That means sometimes he can feel related to his teamfamily without remembering why. This has its seeds in canon -- the best assassin in the world, yet he didn't quite kill Black Widow or Captain America. Repeatedly. Something in there, some remnant of Bucky, was pulling the Winter Soldier just that little bit off-target.
The healing process is miserable, but Bucky is actually making great progress.
>> GO BRUCES BRILLIANT BRAIN! Hopefully his analogies help Tony out! <<
Yes, this is very helpful for Tony. You'll get to see the results in the "Wednesday" story eventually.
>> WOOO STEVE! Good job tapping out! \0/ <<
It's the first time Steve has protected himself and admitted that he can't take care of Bucky alone. It wouldn't be good for either of them. So this is a very necessary step in both of their recovery.
>> *ahem* This chapter was both difficult and encouraging, <<
Yay! That's what I hoped for.
>> thank you master Tolkien for teaching ysabet the ways of the hurt/comfort ratchet machine <<
I'll just fly that little kite to the Great Con in the Sky. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 10:16 am (UTC)/Embli
Thank you!
Date: 2016-11-05 08:26 pm (UTC)It's great progress for him.
>> And Bucky was really great at dealing with things! <<
He is a resilient fellow. Even HYDRA and Department X could break him only if they kept hurting him all the time. As soon as they lost access, Bucky started to heal.
>> And Natasha and Bruce and Phil and the tea and the soap dish and Tetris and YAY! 😊 <<
I'm glad you enjoyed this so much. I had fun with the little concrete details.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 11:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 08:53 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2016-11-05 09:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 06:31 pm (UTC)I love love love the detail about Bruce's shoelaces, remembering how his shoelaces looked earlier in this series!
Beth
You're welcome!
Date: 2016-11-05 09:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-05 07:50 pm (UTC)Thank you
Date: 2016-11-06 02:26 am (UTC)-Erulisse
Re: Thank you
Date: 2016-11-06 02:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-06 07:15 am (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2016-11-06 07:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-06 09:08 am (UTC)I really liked how Bruce presented sleep to Tony. I hope it helps. Sometimes all it takes is a new way of looking at something your struggling with to help. With patients who have trouble with eating/lack of appetite the thing I've found that works the most is telling them that their body is like a car and they need to put fuel in it for it to run properly.
I felt so bad for Bucky. Waking up like that, with that kind of reaction to a nightmare is rough. Glad he was able to get down something to help sooth his stomach, and that even though he was distressed he was able to give input on what he was consuming and have adjustments made. I like that even though he couldn't remember the team, he was still able to retain his trust of them. The game as a distraction was awesome.
Were there some hints of Hulk? Bruce saying he's the strongest sounded distinctly Hulk-like. Which is a nice thought, that Hulk gets to help too.
Thoughts
Date: 2016-11-06 09:30 am (UTC)Yay!
>> Caregiver strain can be tricky and it not only shows progress on his part, but how much he knows he can rely on his team. It was so good to see here. <<
Sooth. They are good people, and good for each other.
>> I really liked how Bruce presented sleep to Tony. I hope it helps. Sometimes all it takes is a new way of looking at something your struggling with to help. <<
Yes, it's helping. Tony's sleep pattern is evolving in the new context, and he doesn't know enough about bodies to understand it. Bruce knows more, so he can help, when Tony listens.
>> With patients who have trouble with eating/lack of appetite the thing I've found that works the most is telling them that their body is like a car and they need to put fuel in it for it to run properly. <<
Yeah, that's what I do with mine, when my appetite is being unpredictable. I try not to go more than a few hours without eating something.
>> I felt so bad for Bucky. Waking up like that, with that kind of reaction to a nightmare is rough. <<
He's had a very tough time. Phil is right, though; you can't process what you can't remember. As miserable as it is, Bucky needs to go through the rough stuff in order to heal. Falling asleep on people, and the nightmares, are actually signs that he's learning to trust his team. Even if he can't always feel it consciously due to the recent damage, his subconscious remembers what trust feels like and when it is appropriate.
>> Glad he was able to get down something to help sooth his stomach, and that even though he was distressed he was able to give input on what he was consuming and have adjustments made. <<
Bruce is good at that sort of thing, and by now Bucky's had a few examples of what happens when he doesn't listen to the good doctor. Bucky is quite determined never to make that mistake again. So they've had enough conversations about Bucky's food issues that Bruce can do the thinking for him when Bucky's mind and/or appetite are out of order, and Bucky can go along with it, and that usually works. Go team!
>> I like that even though he couldn't remember the team, he was still able to retain his trust of them. The game as a distraction was awesome. <<
Sooth. The game helps take Bucky's mind off the pain, but it also helps his brain sort out what's happening. You'll get to see the results of that later.
>> Were there some hints of Hulk? Bruce saying he's the strongest sounded distinctly Hulk-like. Which is a nice thought, that Hulk gets to help too. <<
Yes! :D You're the second person to spot Hulk sneaking around the edges of that scene. Bruce's base strength honestly is higher than it used to be, but what he hasn't noticed is that Hulk sometimes helps with the heavy lifting.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-07 12:09 am (UTC)And I'm so proud of Steve for tapping out, knowing he's at his limit, hitting his own triggers, and letting Natasha take over for tonight.
And love the way Bruce phrases sleep to suddenly make Tony see it in a whole new useful light and run off to try it.
And everyone relaxing using Tetris was a really cute way to calm down after the tenseness of Bucky's nightmare, and horrible past. I seriously even felt calmer just from reading it, not even playing my self.
And I caught Hulk poking his head up! Love that, it makes sense Hulk can see and hear other wise he wouldn't know when he's needed to come out fully, not he's stalking to talk a bit too and help out using Bruce's body.
Thank you!
Date: 2016-11-07 03:13 am (UTC)Yay!
>> Bucky has come so far. Bruce used to have to hard core drug him with strong herbal teas, or "trick him" into falling asleep with meditation after days of not sleeping, now a little gentle touching and he's out like a light. <<
Bucky is close to what will become a normal sleep pattern for him. He's sleeping about every other night, six to eight hours. Three to four every night would be better.
Hops is probably a moderate sleep aid, it's not as heavy as something like valerian but it's got some real pull. A bonus is that Bucky, like many beer drinkers, really likes the flavor. While the current formula would be rated moderate to strong by most companies selling herbal teas, that's comparing it to featherweight blends like Sleepytime. It's nowhere near as potent as pouring half a cup of Nightstick into a samovar.
Much of what has changed is the trust level, along with Bucky's body healing from all the chemical manipulation. For all he's still skittish at times, he has calmed down a lot, and the hardcore hypervigilance is way down. That means, it's easier for Bucky to relax now, and once he starts doing that, he can feel how tired he is. So he conks right out. It also helps that Bruce is learning what works for Bucky, and that Bucky wants to get better badly enough to follow Bruce's lead.
>> And even with the nightmares, and waking up blank again, he still trusts the team instinctively and starts to remember things with a tiny bit of prompting. <<
Sooth. You can see how much Bucky's memory is beginning to heal, just from the recovery time. He still feels crippled, but it's down into handicap range now. He can function almost-normally most of the time, as long as he stays in familiar territory. He's starting to make brief forays outside, but you can tell that it costs him -- he's exhausted and falls right into nightmares. But it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be, so that's good.
>> And I'm so proud of Steve for tapping out, knowing he's at his limit, hitting his own triggers, and letting Natasha take over for tonight. <<
Yay! It's a huge step for him. Bucky is too much for anyone to handle 24/7 and he needs different skills at different times. In this case, if Steve had stuck around, he would've fallen apart at the same time Bucky did. Natasha, Bruce, and Phil made a much better crew for this occasion. I expect that Bucky has told Steve some stuff about what's happened to him, but I sincerely doubt that he has spilled his guts like he just did, because Steve is such a bleeding heart and Bucky hates making him cry. When your past is that fucked up, you need friends or therapists who can take the weight and not crumple.
>> And love the way Bruce phrases sleep to suddenly make Tony see it in a whole new useful light and run off to try it. <<
Bruce is very good at that, when people listen to him.
>> And everyone relaxing using Tetris was a really cute way to calm down after the tenseness of Bucky's nightmare, and horrible past. I seriously even felt calmer just from reading it, not even playing my self.<<
I'm glad that worked. I write the hurt/comfort very deliberately, and it's meant to be vicarious cuddles for the reader too. So thanks for the vote of confidence.
>> And I caught Hulk poking his head up! <<
:D I think you're the fourth person to spot him in this scene.
>> Love that, it makes sense Hulk can see and hear other wise he wouldn't know when he's needed to come out fully, not he's stalking to talk a bit too and help out using Bruce's body. <<
Exactly. In order for Hulk to function as Bruce's backup, Hulk needs some awareness of what's going on. When Bruce is relatively relaxed, he doesn't block the view as much as when he's deliberately trying to stifle Hulk. So Hulk can observe much more now than he used to, which makes it easier for him to slip forward just enough to say a few words or pick up something. He's learning to be gentle with Bruce.
Yay new chapters!
Re: Yay new chapters!
Date: 2016-11-07 06:51 pm (UTC)I do have more written, whenever I have time to post it.
>> Poor Bucky. But I am glad to see everyone making strides in taking care of themselves. <<
Sooth. He's come a long way; everyone has.
>> I hope to see more of Clint's situation at Shield improve. <<
There will be more bits and pieces of this later.
>> And was that Hulk peeking out to help take care of Bucky. <<
Yes. I think you're the fifth person to notice that. :D
>> Thank you for the new tale.<<
You're welcome!
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-07 10:41 pm (UTC)Kintsukori for Natasha and Bucky!
Thoughts
Date: 2016-11-08 02:29 am (UTC)Yay! :D
>> Hulk talking, Steve tapping out, Bucky dealing with nightmares, all of it. <<
So much progress.
>> Kintsukori for Natasha and Bucky! <<
That's really a metaphor for this whole series -- taking the broken things and making them whole and beautiful again, without hiding the fact that they were once broken.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-07 11:49 pm (UTC)~A
Yay!
Date: 2016-11-08 02:31 am (UTC)So GLAD you wrote more!!!!
Date: 2016-11-08 08:56 pm (UTC)I love your characterizations, the hulk hints slipping through. Love the interplay between characters and especially the real world research and recs.
One of your comments says that you want it to be virtual cuddles for readers ( the h/c) and your stories are ALWAYS that for me. My bad day reading. Thank you.
Minor point - your Russian declensions are not quite right. Computer translated? If you want I can fix it - I'm Russian born so fluent. I've noticed it in other stories too and can find any issues if you would like.
Looking forward to reading more!
Regina
Re: So GLAD you wrote more!!!!
Date: 2016-11-29 03:02 am (UTC)Thank you! I have more, just haven't had time to post.
>> I love your characterizations, the hulk hints slipping through. Love the interplay between characters and especially the real world research and recs. <<
Yay! Hulk is definitely starting to peek out more. I do my best to support the writing with good references.
>> One of your comments says that you want it to be virtual cuddles for readers ( the h/c) and your stories are ALWAYS that for me. My bad day reading. Thank you. <<
I'm glad I could help.
>> Minor point - your Russian declensions are not quite right. Computer translated? If you want I can fix it - I'm Russian born so fluent. I've noticed it in other stories too and can find any issues if you would like.<<
Some of it is computer translated, some is copied from other online sources such as lists of Russian sayings or songs or whatnot. I have a few years of Russian classes, so I can read Cyrillic and catch some errors, but not everything -- and it's fanfic, so I haven't done the kind of heavy-duty cross-checking I would if it were for pay. Feedback is welcome, including corrections of Russian. Thanks!
>> Looking forward to reading more! <<
I actually did another side-story on request this month, which will get posted eventually when I have time.
Re: So GLAD you wrote more!!!!
Date: 2016-12-08 03:47 am (UTC)And since you don't mind I'll post any issues w Russian I see as I reread the stories.
And your fact checking is seriously giving me writing goals to follow. The solid background really enhances the stories and that's something I plan to emulate.
Re: So GLAD you wrote more!!!!
Date: 2016-12-08 03:59 am (UTC)Don't miss the freebie from this week's fishbowl. "Keep the Homefires Burning" is pure unadulterated fluff.
>> And since you don't mind I'll post any issues w Russian I see as I reread the stories. <<
Thank you!
>> And your fact checking is seriously giving me writing goals to follow. The solid background really enhances the stories and that's something I plan to emulate. <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service. It does make the writing take a bit longer, but saves me time fixing mistakes after the fact. It's especially helpful in speculative stories, where I use concrete details to anchor the events with a plausible foundation. Good for teaching life skills, too, I have people reading my stuff for that. :D I suggest that you start by adding one or two footnotes to a story. Another option is to use an article or photo as a reference. I have so many characters and settings in some series, I could never keep them straight without reference images.
Thank you
Date: 2016-11-16 06:36 am (UTC)I was glad to see you handled a difficult topic most people don't see men being harassed by women sexually to really be an issue, and it can be just as stressful and even ultimately dangerous as the other way around. I love how you went into how Clint felt, as many men in that situation, that he should be able to handle it himself.It was wonderful to see Phil and Jarvis talk him through how they could help and why he deserved for it to stop.
thank you so much for this wonderful series I continue to enjoy it thoroughly.
Re: Thank you
Date: 2016-11-16 06:50 am (UTC)Yay!
> You put so many things into this fic, Bucky's recovery Steve's feelings, and so many others.<<
I'm happy to hear that.
>> I was glad to see you handled a difficult topic most people don't see men being harassed by women sexually to really be an issue, and it can be just as stressful and even ultimately dangerous as the other way around.<<
It really bugs me when shows portray that and it's all wink-wink, nudge-nudge. >_< Men don't like being harassed any more than women do, but they're told that men always want sex, so sometimes they wonder what's wrong with them, or hide it because it makes them feel less like a real man.
>> I love how you went into how Clint felt, as many men in that situation, that he should be able to handle it himself.It was wonderful to see Phil and Jarvis talk him through how they could help and why he deserved for it to stop.<<
Support makes all the difference.
>>thank you so much for this wonderful series I continue to enjoy it thoroughly.<<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-21 11:04 pm (UTC)This is SO GOOD. I want to see Natasha's finished product, and I want to see Bucky wake up and REMEMBER THINGS. (On that note--something that can pull me out of a flashback is remembering what happened next. Maybe focusing on the memory of him being recaptured would help him anchor? I know it can't be a pleasant one, but there has to be at least one moment where he woke up and knew he was safe.)
Right in the feels
Date: 2016-12-19 06:25 am (UTC)Re: Right in the feels
Date: 2016-12-19 06:40 am (UTC):D There is more written, I just haven't had time to post it.
>> I just love the beautiful team dynamic you have set up here, how they all fit so beautifully as a family. I cannot express how much I love all of this. You put so much thought and consideration into every piece that I am left awestruck and speechless. <<
Wow. Thank you!
>> Has anyone done a word count and compared it to any Famous Book because the sheer amount of what you have done here is staggering. <<
Not that I know of. AO3 does word counts, and most of the series is posted there ... 364,756
Holy crap, I had no idea this had gotten so long! This may be the biggest thing I've written. Well, that or Polychrome Heroics which I have no feasible way to measure. I've got a fan compiling the threads, though, so I'll be able to run a word count on Officer Pink soon.
>> Please never stop. The work you do is impressive and so very necessary for the world.<<
I can't fix the world, but I can show people what it would look like fixed. Maybe that will help move in the right direction.
>> Most days I ignore canon and accept this as reality, which it truly is better than (don't get me wrong, I love canon, I simply love this more).<<
Aww, shucks. I am flattered that you like this more than the original!
>> Thank you for this pure and utter masterpiece of perfection. Now, pardon me as I go reread this in it's entirety for the umpteenth time.<<
\o/ I love hearing that it's so rereadable.
Russian
Date: 2017-04-06 08:38 am (UTC)Instead of вернутся it should be Вернись. The first is more 'to return' while you want the ordering form of the word. Just a conjugation thing.
Names. Natashka is fine as a nickname tone. If you want a softer diminutive of the name its more Наташенька. More affectionate, less playful.
Regina
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-09 02:51 am (UTC)Also: I hope Clint doesn't have to keep worrying about Morse! >:| "No." shouldn't be a hard answer to take.
And Natasha and Bucky play off each other so well~ Not to mention mean games of Tetris. ;)
Thoughts
Date: 2019-01-10 04:05 am (UTC)Thank you!
>> JARVIS' mirroring skills are something that struck me in particular as relevant - I keep using them in my journal roleplay tags <<
Go you!
Also, that goes back all the way to Talking Eliza, which with just a little improvement becomes an excellent user interface for emotional support and insight. Even the dumb version works surprisingly well. Add intelligence to the mirroring tool, and well, JARVIS is fucking brilliant sometimes.
>> (particularly when playing Nita Callahan - over at
If you like the Young Wizards, check out LOL_HEROES.
>> and I was worrying that it was an annoying or unrealistic tic. Good to know that's not what's happening! ^^; <<
Most people like being listened to. Some find it annoying, but not a lot.
>> Also: I hope Clint doesn't have to keep worrying about Morse! >:| "No." shouldn't be a hard answer to take. <<
They're spies. If they took no for an answer very often, they'd be out of a job. When the nature of your work requires people to do things that are often considered unethical, you wind up having a real hard time getting people who are just cagey enough to do the work but not total fuckwads. In this regard it was sadly plausible to wind up with Secretly Hydra In Every Last Department.
So yes, Morse is likely to remain a problem, although the Avengers do not have infinite patience with that shit.
>> And Natasha and Bucky play off each other so well~ Not to mention mean games of Tetris. ;) <<
Yay! I'm glad you liked that.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2019-01-11 01:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-10 10:57 pm (UTC)