Story: "Up the Water Spout" Part 14
Sep. 29th, 2014 12:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," and "Little and Broken, but Still Good."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Natasha Romanova, Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Betty Ross, Bucky Barnes.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mention of human trafficking and nonconsensual drug use. Slightly offstage sexual violence. Dubcon/Noncon.
Summary: Sometimes the Black Widow needs to hunt, and sometimes she needs help settling her personality afterwards. Uncle Phil arranges an extra ageplay session.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. BAMF!Black Widow. Black Widow is creepy. Spiders. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Caregiving. Competence. Girl stuff. Toys and games. Gentleness. Trust. #coulsonlives
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13. Skip to Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19.
"Up the Water Spout" Part 14
The next day, Natasha slipped into Phil's office and took a chair in front of his desk. "I have been thinking about my last mission," she said.
Phil flicked an icon on his desktop to tighten the security. "I'm listening."
"I do not know how to deal with this, wanting things that I should not want, things that are so terrible," Natasha said. "It was not so bad before, when I could not feel things very clearly. The more attention I pay to my emotions, the sharper they get. It makes me feel ... unclean."
"Plenty of people have dark urges," Phil pointed out. "That includes other people on this team. Tony's drinking problem for example, or Bruce-and-Hulk with violent anger."
Natasha huffed softly. "True. They cope, but not always well," she said. "I try. I do not know how well I am doing."
"Much better now, than when you first came in from the cold," Phil assured her. "Better this month than a year ago."
"Doing new things still makes me uneasy, especially things I know so little about," Natasha admitted.
Phil recalled how deadly the Red Room's training had been, with brutal penalties for even the smallest failures. More girls had died than survived it. "You really have made fantastic progress, even if it doesn't feel that way to you," Phil said. "It's just ... like when you get frostbite, and the feeling starts to come back, so it hurts. The damage was already there, you simply couldn't feel it. But you have to warm up to heal it."
"I suppose," Natasha said. "Playing helps. It feels nice to be able to make mistakes, to be bad at doing something, and get encouragement instead of punishment. I thought that game night was silly at first, but you were trying so hard to make us a team, I was willing to do anything you asked. I did not expect it to work. Instead, it has changed ... everything. Changed me, in ways I could not imagine."
"Good changes, I hope you'll agree," Phil said.
"I think so. Yes." Natasha tilted her head. "Everything good in me is there because you put it in, or Clint."
"No, we just helped you uncover what the Red Room tried to bury," Phil said gently. "It was always a part of you, or else you never would have escaped in the first place."
"Pretty to think so."
"I know so," Phil said. "It's just a matter of dusting off the foundation so we can build something better on it. You can be whatever you choose to be, Natasha. You don't have to be what they told you to be. It does take time to clear that much rubble, though."
"What more can I do?" Natasha asked.
"You can come to me for a private play session any time you need it," Phil said. "You can look for other opportunities, especially new ones. It's a matter of extending the positive parts of your life until they crowd out the negative ones. You got that spider puppet on your own -- that was very clever. I'm proud of you for taking the initiative like that. Can you think of anything you'd like to explore?"
* * *
Notes:
Bad behavior and trauma can make people feel dirty. However, everyone has a dark side, and we need it. There are ways to deal with that inner darkness.
New things can be scary and hard. This is especially true for abused children driven into perfectionism. Know how to stretch your comfort zone safely.
Accepting changes can also be challenging. There are many different types of change that you can make in your life. Know how to help people accept change, face changes in your life, or make improvements in yourself.
[To be continued in Part 15 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Natasha Romanova, Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Betty Ross, Bucky Barnes.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mention of human trafficking and nonconsensual drug use. Slightly offstage sexual violence. Dubcon/Noncon.
Summary: Sometimes the Black Widow needs to hunt, and sometimes she needs help settling her personality afterwards. Uncle Phil arranges an extra ageplay session.
Notes: Hurt/comfort. Family. Fluff and angst. BAMF!Black Widow. Black Widow is creepy. Spiders. Coping skills. Asking for help and getting it. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Caregiving. Competence. Girl stuff. Toys and games. Gentleness. Trust. #coulsonlives
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13. Skip to Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19.
"Up the Water Spout" Part 14
The next day, Natasha slipped into Phil's office and took a chair in front of his desk. "I have been thinking about my last mission," she said.
Phil flicked an icon on his desktop to tighten the security. "I'm listening."
"I do not know how to deal with this, wanting things that I should not want, things that are so terrible," Natasha said. "It was not so bad before, when I could not feel things very clearly. The more attention I pay to my emotions, the sharper they get. It makes me feel ... unclean."
"Plenty of people have dark urges," Phil pointed out. "That includes other people on this team. Tony's drinking problem for example, or Bruce-and-Hulk with violent anger."
Natasha huffed softly. "True. They cope, but not always well," she said. "I try. I do not know how well I am doing."
"Much better now, than when you first came in from the cold," Phil assured her. "Better this month than a year ago."
"Doing new things still makes me uneasy, especially things I know so little about," Natasha admitted.
Phil recalled how deadly the Red Room's training had been, with brutal penalties for even the smallest failures. More girls had died than survived it. "You really have made fantastic progress, even if it doesn't feel that way to you," Phil said. "It's just ... like when you get frostbite, and the feeling starts to come back, so it hurts. The damage was already there, you simply couldn't feel it. But you have to warm up to heal it."
"I suppose," Natasha said. "Playing helps. It feels nice to be able to make mistakes, to be bad at doing something, and get encouragement instead of punishment. I thought that game night was silly at first, but you were trying so hard to make us a team, I was willing to do anything you asked. I did not expect it to work. Instead, it has changed ... everything. Changed me, in ways I could not imagine."
"Good changes, I hope you'll agree," Phil said.
"I think so. Yes." Natasha tilted her head. "Everything good in me is there because you put it in, or Clint."
"No, we just helped you uncover what the Red Room tried to bury," Phil said gently. "It was always a part of you, or else you never would have escaped in the first place."
"Pretty to think so."
"I know so," Phil said. "It's just a matter of dusting off the foundation so we can build something better on it. You can be whatever you choose to be, Natasha. You don't have to be what they told you to be. It does take time to clear that much rubble, though."
"What more can I do?" Natasha asked.
"You can come to me for a private play session any time you need it," Phil said. "You can look for other opportunities, especially new ones. It's a matter of extending the positive parts of your life until they crowd out the negative ones. You got that spider puppet on your own -- that was very clever. I'm proud of you for taking the initiative like that. Can you think of anything you'd like to explore?"
* * *
Notes:
Bad behavior and trauma can make people feel dirty. However, everyone has a dark side, and we need it. There are ways to deal with that inner darkness.
New things can be scary and hard. This is especially true for abused children driven into perfectionism. Know how to stretch your comfort zone safely.
Accepting changes can also be challenging. There are many different types of change that you can make in your life. Know how to help people accept change, face changes in your life, or make improvements in yourself.
[To be continued in Part 15 ...]
Natasha checking in
Date: 2014-09-29 05:40 am (UTC)Have I mentioned how much the Red Room organizers and sadists need to be put through a Rube Goldberg torment thought up by Torquemada and the Joker, equally?
But you make this tiny, tiny change in her previous patterns into the /real/ and /amazing/ improvement that it is. You show that she's /learning/ to look, learning to /feel/, and learning that mistakes don't have to be horrible.
Re: Natasha checking in
Date: 2014-09-29 05:57 am (UTC)Yes, it is. She's learning to shift some things up and down the levels of her awareness. She can feel more as Natka, but comprehend more as Natasha.
>> She's understanding more of what is left /beneath/ the Red Room's horrors and enforced terror. Perfectionism to the nth degree, with death as /the/ punishment for the slightest failure. <<
Sooth. It's difficult to get through all that, let alone make changes.
>> Have I mentioned how much the Red Room organizers and sadists need to be put through a Rube Goldberg torment thought up by Torquemada and the Joker, equally? <<
Oh yeah. That's a popular stance. Hence why the Department X dude, as an ally of the Red Room, got a shield to the pelvis instead of just getting bonked gently on the head, at the beginning of "No Winter Lasts Forever."
>> But you make this tiny, tiny change in her previous patterns into the /real/ and /amazing/ improvement that it is. You show that she's /learning/ to look, learning to /feel/, and learning that mistakes don't have to be horrible. <<
I'm glad that comes through.
The hell of it is, I actually know several people who survived levels of abuse on par with the Avengers, though not the same in detail. I know that sometimes it is an amazing accomplishment just to be alive and walking and talking, that getting out of bed can take epic amounts of effort, that emotions and memories get lost in the mud ... and yet people do still survive and strive to fix what's broken. They make progress. Those tiny accomplishments are worth celebrating.
Phil and Clint have spent years laying the groundwork for this, and Natasha has slogged through it mostly on faith in them, seeing very little progress other than that she's great at her job, doesn't kill her own teammates, and has slowly learned to trust them a little. But now more things are coming to the surface, which is wonderful.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-09-29 01:23 pm (UTC)It's a song called Superheroes by The Script. I feel like the lyrics really fit this story and the team in general.
Here's a link to the lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/script/superheroes.html
-ER
Lyrics
Date: 2014-09-29 03:23 pm (UTC)Re: Lyrics
Date: 2014-10-01 06:08 am (UTC)Wow!
Date: 2014-10-01 06:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-09-29 04:28 pm (UTC)This massaged me with truth. (I don't want to say it hit me, because it wasn't a painful thud, but it was a strong touch that caused relaxation.)
Thank you!
Date: 2014-09-30 02:29 am (UTC)I'm glad you found it so moving.