Story: "Am I Not" Part 2
May. 7th, 2014 02:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1. Skip to Part 4, Part 5.
"Am I Not" Part 2
"My actions," Loki said, letting the bitterness seep out like poison. Was there ever so vain and useless a thing in all the realms as Loki's actions? "Let us recount whose actions began the war between Asgard and Jotunheim. That would be King Bor. We should further consider whose actions led to me growing up in the wrong realm, raised on tales to make me despise my own kind as monsters. That would be King Odin." His mouth gave a wry quirk. "If we are handing out blame, I seem to have come late to the party. There is little left but crumbs for me. As usual."
"Your father --"
"He is not my father!" Loki shouted. The pain of it tore at him even now.
"Then am I not your mother?" she countered, her voice as gentle and unwelcome as worried fingertips upon a sunburn.
Loki hurt so much that he just wanted to hit back. He wanted someone else to hurt as much as he did. So he cooled his voice to indifference and replied, "You are not."
"Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself," Frigga said. Her eyes glinted in the harsh light, rimmed silver by tears even as she smiled at him.
He had made her weep. For him. Oh, surely Loki was the vilest creature that ever lived! They were right to call him a monster. Look what he had done to the only person who loved him, not in spite of what he was, but because of it. He knew it was all false, and yet he had no strength to resist being taken in by it just the same.
"I am a fool," Loki muttered, dropping his gaze to the toes of his boots. They were scuffed and dusty, as disreputable as the rest of him.
"The question is, my son, whether you will remain one," Frigga said. "I bid you recall what I said to you when you were very young, and we quarreled over how you were to spend your time."
Loki could not help but remember. Do the work your tutors have left for you, and then you may go play. Frigga had said it over and over again. Loki had learned, eventually, that if he did the work briskly enough he could get outside while there was yet daylight left for exploring the gardens. Thor never did learn, and Loki would not leave him, so perforce they both stayed inside more days than not. In time Loki had come to love the books for their own sake. They held no savor for him now, though.
Frigga took a step toward him, holding out her hands. Even knowing, Loki found himself stepping into her reach. The moment their fingers touched, her magic flared along his, shocking as storm-sparks. The illusion frayed away into a roil of golden motes that faded from the air.
Loki was left with naught but his own thoughts for company. Sometimes he hated them, always yowling and scratching at him, wild as barn cats.
Please, don't make things worse ...
Define 'worse.'
* * *
Notes:
Loki lacks agency, which can be described in various ways as having influence over one's own actions and their outcomes. Therefore he has little or no sense of ownership or responsibility for what he does. People typically develop agency during adolescence; that hasn't happened due to Loki's dysfunctional family life. Agency is also a primary requirement for heroes in literature; it expresses their power to impact the plotlines.
Abusive men parent badly. Paternal child abuse may include shaming, blaming, belittling, invalidation, objectification, intimidation, raging, self-aggrandizement, and unreliability. Think about how Odin appears in canon.
Verbal abuse spans a wide range of hurtful words. Abusers speak in destructive ways: name-calling, breaking intimacy, playing word games, insulting people you care about, mocking your ideas, disregarding your needs, threatening you, etc. Yet they also deny this is abuse, especially insisting that the victim "made them do it." This can amount to brainwashing the victim. It is possible for abusers to change, but only with great effort. There are ways to prevent emotional abuse.
Scapegoating is when one person is singled out as the black sheep of a dysfunctional family. This is often the person who tells uncomfortable truths or refuses to submit to the abuse. Dysfunctional rules and roles can be very rigid, and scapegoating is very harmful. Nevertheless there are ways to escape.
Loki: [about Odin] He is not my father!
Frigga: So I am not your mother?
[pause]
Loki: You are not.
-- Thor 2
Hurting people hurt people, especially the ones they love. They do this for a lot of reasons, but it can rebound on them. This is an issue in bullying. There ways to resist the temptation to lash out, and to help others who are hurting without putting yourself at risk.
Family rejection is a serious problem. Children who grow up rejected may later reject their parents. This can be helpful in the case of abusive parenting. There are ways to cope with an abusive or otherwise terrible father.
Other-awareness is a useful relationship skill. You can add insight to observations of behavior. Loki gets most of his from situational awareness. Here's an exercise to improve other-awareness.
Self-awareness is the reciprocal skill for personal growth. Know how to develop self-awareness.
Self-hatred or self-loathing shows deep damage to the psyche, causing self-destructive patterns. Loki has a lot of internalized racism. There are ways of healing self-hate.
Self-blame is a form of emotional abuse or self-bullying. In particular, Loki's self-talk is extremely negative. Children are especially vulnerable to developing self-blame if they are constantly condemned. This makes change difficult. Learn how to stop blaming yourself.
Parents can help children learn good homework skills. There are tips for children and teens too. Plan a homework schedule. Notice how Loki's interests evolve over time.
Intrusive thoughts can get in the way of more constructive action. Know how to interrupt obsessive thinking.
Frigga: Please, don't make things worse...
Loki: Define 'worse.'
-- Thor 2
In cases of child abuse, the nonoffending parent may have a conflicted relationship with the children. Frigga loves her sons, but she failed to protect them from an abusive father. Mothers sometimes support paternal abuse even if they do not participate in it, such as urging children to behave so they won't get punished. (This never works; nobody can be perfect enough to please an abuser. Even Thor couldn't do it, and he's a god.) The accommodation of child abuse is a widespread social problem, not limited to the sexual abuse discussed in that link. Consider that Loki's criticism of Odin is dismissed due to Loki's "own" misbehavior. Adults often fail to protect children in tragic ways.
Abusers make excuses to blame their victims. However, other people also tend to excuse domestic abusers and accommodate child abusers, choosing to blame the victims also. The abuser always works from an advantaged positions so that the victim must work uphill in order to make anyone believe them.
[To be continued in Part 3 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1. Skip to Part 4, Part 5.
"Am I Not" Part 2
"My actions," Loki said, letting the bitterness seep out like poison. Was there ever so vain and useless a thing in all the realms as Loki's actions? "Let us recount whose actions began the war between Asgard and Jotunheim. That would be King Bor. We should further consider whose actions led to me growing up in the wrong realm, raised on tales to make me despise my own kind as monsters. That would be King Odin." His mouth gave a wry quirk. "If we are handing out blame, I seem to have come late to the party. There is little left but crumbs for me. As usual."
"Your father --"
"He is not my father!" Loki shouted. The pain of it tore at him even now.
"Then am I not your mother?" she countered, her voice as gentle and unwelcome as worried fingertips upon a sunburn.
Loki hurt so much that he just wanted to hit back. He wanted someone else to hurt as much as he did. So he cooled his voice to indifference and replied, "You are not."
"Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself," Frigga said. Her eyes glinted in the harsh light, rimmed silver by tears even as she smiled at him.
He had made her weep. For him. Oh, surely Loki was the vilest creature that ever lived! They were right to call him a monster. Look what he had done to the only person who loved him, not in spite of what he was, but because of it. He knew it was all false, and yet he had no strength to resist being taken in by it just the same.
"I am a fool," Loki muttered, dropping his gaze to the toes of his boots. They were scuffed and dusty, as disreputable as the rest of him.
"The question is, my son, whether you will remain one," Frigga said. "I bid you recall what I said to you when you were very young, and we quarreled over how you were to spend your time."
Loki could not help but remember. Do the work your tutors have left for you, and then you may go play. Frigga had said it over and over again. Loki had learned, eventually, that if he did the work briskly enough he could get outside while there was yet daylight left for exploring the gardens. Thor never did learn, and Loki would not leave him, so perforce they both stayed inside more days than not. In time Loki had come to love the books for their own sake. They held no savor for him now, though.
Frigga took a step toward him, holding out her hands. Even knowing, Loki found himself stepping into her reach. The moment their fingers touched, her magic flared along his, shocking as storm-sparks. The illusion frayed away into a roil of golden motes that faded from the air.
Loki was left with naught but his own thoughts for company. Sometimes he hated them, always yowling and scratching at him, wild as barn cats.
Please, don't make things worse ...
Define 'worse.'
* * *
Notes:
Loki lacks agency, which can be described in various ways as having influence over one's own actions and their outcomes. Therefore he has little or no sense of ownership or responsibility for what he does. People typically develop agency during adolescence; that hasn't happened due to Loki's dysfunctional family life. Agency is also a primary requirement for heroes in literature; it expresses their power to impact the plotlines.
Abusive men parent badly. Paternal child abuse may include shaming, blaming, belittling, invalidation, objectification, intimidation, raging, self-aggrandizement, and unreliability. Think about how Odin appears in canon.
Verbal abuse spans a wide range of hurtful words. Abusers speak in destructive ways: name-calling, breaking intimacy, playing word games, insulting people you care about, mocking your ideas, disregarding your needs, threatening you, etc. Yet they also deny this is abuse, especially insisting that the victim "made them do it." This can amount to brainwashing the victim. It is possible for abusers to change, but only with great effort. There are ways to prevent emotional abuse.
Scapegoating is when one person is singled out as the black sheep of a dysfunctional family. This is often the person who tells uncomfortable truths or refuses to submit to the abuse. Dysfunctional rules and roles can be very rigid, and scapegoating is very harmful. Nevertheless there are ways to escape.
Loki: [about Odin] He is not my father!
Frigga: So I am not your mother?
[pause]
Loki: You are not.
-- Thor 2
Hurting people hurt people, especially the ones they love. They do this for a lot of reasons, but it can rebound on them. This is an issue in bullying. There ways to resist the temptation to lash out, and to help others who are hurting without putting yourself at risk.
Family rejection is a serious problem. Children who grow up rejected may later reject their parents. This can be helpful in the case of abusive parenting. There are ways to cope with an abusive or otherwise terrible father.
Other-awareness is a useful relationship skill. You can add insight to observations of behavior. Loki gets most of his from situational awareness. Here's an exercise to improve other-awareness.
Self-awareness is the reciprocal skill for personal growth. Know how to develop self-awareness.
Self-hatred or self-loathing shows deep damage to the psyche, causing self-destructive patterns. Loki has a lot of internalized racism. There are ways of healing self-hate.
Self-blame is a form of emotional abuse or self-bullying. In particular, Loki's self-talk is extremely negative. Children are especially vulnerable to developing self-blame if they are constantly condemned. This makes change difficult. Learn how to stop blaming yourself.
Parents can help children learn good homework skills. There are tips for children and teens too. Plan a homework schedule. Notice how Loki's interests evolve over time.
Intrusive thoughts can get in the way of more constructive action. Know how to interrupt obsessive thinking.
Frigga: Please, don't make things worse...
Loki: Define 'worse.'
-- Thor 2
In cases of child abuse, the nonoffending parent may have a conflicted relationship with the children. Frigga loves her sons, but she failed to protect them from an abusive father. Mothers sometimes support paternal abuse even if they do not participate in it, such as urging children to behave so they won't get punished. (This never works; nobody can be perfect enough to please an abuser. Even Thor couldn't do it, and he's a god.) The accommodation of child abuse is a widespread social problem, not limited to the sexual abuse discussed in that link. Consider that Loki's criticism of Odin is dismissed due to Loki's "own" misbehavior. Adults often fail to protect children in tragic ways.
Abusers make excuses to blame their victims. However, other people also tend to excuse domestic abusers and accommodate child abusers, choosing to blame the victims also. The abuser always works from an advantaged positions so that the victim must work uphill in order to make anyone believe them.
[To be continued in Part 3 ...]
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-07 05:50 pm (UTC)Challenging to write, also.
>> But Loki needs to actually do what he's thinking about-- define 'WORSE'. <<
Possibly so. I think Frigga may be right about Loki's intrapersonal skills, though.
See, this is why I need to wrap up other plotlines before adding the brothers Odinson. After the Avengers have taught Bruce how to see himself clearly, they'll have solid groundwork for teaching Loki the same thing.
What would be worse for Loki? Well, this Odin seems not to have a taste for humping little boys. That could be worse. Other than that, I'm running short on ideas.
>> Sometimes, following that trail of "either/or" statements to their ultimate ends (and there will be quite a tree of them, given the way he's thinking) will HELP. Will tell him that, really, what he's losing is an illusion, and Loki NEVER used illusions for their own sake. <<
That's true. I think a lot of Loki's difficulty right now is realizing how much of his life was a damned lie. It's no wonder he feels like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, disowning Thor and Frigga. After all, they didn't protect him.
>> Thanks for posting. <<
You're welcome.
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-07 06:17 pm (UTC)But, specifically, Loki really needs to not just "define worse" in terms of Odin. "Worse" in comparison to the way the other Asgardians treated him, will probably show that they wouldn't have been much different if he'd been blue, naked and strumming a harp in the courtyard. Seriously. He didn't conform, therefore he was the butt of the joke, et cetera-- the DEGREE of his nonconformity was the only real secret.
And a few of the more HONEST Asgardians would've accepted him as an Other-worthy-of-respect IF they'd both recognized him as a CHILD -they didn't tend to, even when THOR was given the same courtesy- and as someone fighting with the tools he used best. Specifically, Vanaheim fights differently, but they aren't treated with the same level of disdain that Loki was. Why, again and again, is HE the only exception, the only one not worthy of basic consideration?
It smacks of a systematically abusive culture for ALL nonconformity, in some ways. Sif got a /lot/ of crap for wanting to fight with the men, not just be a female warrior, and the two WERE different things. Yet Marvel whitewashed all of that. ONLY Loki is portrayed as Other, even by the Warriors Three.
Tiresome, and in some ways difficult to deal with calmly.
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-10 04:58 am (UTC)Or else there could be a very unpleasant altercation between Bruce and Hulk. They see Loki differently. Hulk is the one who beat up Loki, but Bruce probably has a worse opinion of him.
>> brought up by people who abused him while claiming to 'love' him. So yes, more work for Bruce before the Asgardians get to join in. <<
Yeah, Loki is going to bring all the triggers for the folks who grew up in abusive families. Bruce-and-Hulk probably had the most sheer violence. Tony shares much the same daddy issues.
The hell of it with Loki and Clint is, they understand each other now, and regardless of how much they hurt each other they are still going to feel that pull. It's what underlies all the hatefic about the two of them, which I admit, can be fun. In this series, though, Clint has do so much personal work already that he is just nowhere near the same place Loki left him, so that's going have a huge impact on how they interact.
>> But, specifically, Loki really needs to not just "define worse" in terms of Odin. "Worse" in comparison to the way the other Asgardians treated him, will probably show that they wouldn't have been much different if he'd been blue, naked and strumming a harp in the courtyard. Seriously. <<
That's true too. I'm not liking their so-called shiny culture much.
>> He didn't conform, therefore he was the butt of the joke, et cetera-- the DEGREE of his nonconformity was the only real secret. <<
Everyone always knew Loki was different, strange, other. They just didn't understand most of why. But the frost giants have no standing in Asgard, so that would've been a huge difference. Odin might have brought him back as a servant, but not a son.
>> And a few of the more HONEST Asgardians would've accepted him as an Other-worthy-of-respect <<
I doubt it. The frost giants are presented as monsters. The chance is not zero, because after all there were white Southerners who helped slaves escape, but it's a very slim chance.
>> IF they'd both recognized him as a CHILD -they didn't tend to, even when THOR was given the same courtesy- and as someone fighting with the tools he used best. <<
Yes, that's a problem.
>> Specifically, Vanaheim fights differently, but they aren't treated with the same level of disdain that Loki was. Why, again and again, is HE the only exception, the only one not worthy of basic consideration? <<
Because he was forced to try fitting into the Asgardian mold, for which Loki is not suited at all well.
>> It smacks of a systematically abusive culture for ALL nonconformity, in some ways. <<
Likely so. Some people write Asgard as sexually lax, others very strict. I lean toward strict because of how they address gender roles.
>> Sif got a /lot/ of crap for wanting to fight with the men, not just be a female warrior, and the two WERE different things. Yet Marvel whitewashed all of that. ONLY Loki is portrayed as Other, even by the Warriors Three. <<
It's not entirely whitewashed, because they did mention it. You can tell from Thor's speech that men tend to take credit for women's accomplishments. Sif still has to correct him -- and this is allegedly her friend.
They're all shitty friends to each other, actually.
>> Tiresome, and in some ways difficult to deal with calmly. <<
Agreed.
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-07 08:40 pm (UTC)Snake? Chains? Dead children?
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-07 10:55 pm (UTC)Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-08 12:02 am (UTC)Slepnir, yes, which implies underage rape, child abuse (two different kids- Slepnir AND Loki), enslavement, animal abuse and MORE.
Re: Define 'worse'
Date: 2014-05-10 04:36 am (UTC)True. I'm keeping Sleipnir, who appeared in the movieverse already, but probably not the others.
>> Slepnir, yes, which implies underage rape, child abuse (two different kids- Slepnir AND Loki), enslavement, animal abuse and MORE. <<
Exactly. Estimating Loki's developmental age around 16 now, my guess would be 12-14 when Sleipnir was conceived.
What. The actual. FUCK. Odin?