My Article on Isaac Bonewits' Website

[ysabetwordsmith]

Today someone tipped me that Isaac Bonewits reprinted something of mine on his website.  "When Three Is Not a Crowd: Polyamory as a Responsible Lifestyle" grew out of a panel I did with some friends at a science fiction convention, and the recommended reading list is included.  I just think it's cool that, on a site consisting mostly of stuff that Isaac and Phaedra wrote, he thought something of mine was worth featuring.

Comments

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

it's nice that his site's still up! (he died last year.)

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

Phaedra is keeping the website largely as Isaac left it at his final update last year.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad she's keeping up the web-site. And that is a wonderful article. I theoretically believe in Poly and *am* poly by nature but I've been so badly burned that I think I'm done with it. It's a shame but, unless the perfect partner who also is poly comes into my life, I'm just too tired and damaged to keep very hopeful about it.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>>I'm so glad she's keeping up the web-site. And that is a wonderful article.<<

Thank you!

>>I theoretically believe in Poly and *am* poly by nature but I've been so badly burned that I think I'm done with it. It's a shame but, unless the perfect partner who also is poly comes into my life, I'm just too tired and damaged to keep very hopeful about it.<<

I can sympathize. Bad experiences can easily make people reluctant to venture into remotely similar circumstances.

In my observation, however, polyamory has no higher failure rate than two-person marriage, or friendship, or family ties in general. Human beings have inherent, countervailing drives to care for each other and to screw people over. It depends more on the individuals involved, and their ethics and social skills, than their configuration.

I've seen a bunch of poly families, all kinds of couples, and assorted other family or social structures come together and stay or fall apart. I think my highest cynicism level is with teamwork, based on my experiences, which add up to other people are unreliable and marginally competent more often than not. The potential for social wreckage manifests the moment you add people to any situation.

Re: Thoughts

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness yes, I agree with that; it's definitely the individuals involved. As I have possibly mentioned before, my ex simply refused to make any rules for our poly life because he didn't want to be limited. He thought he completely understood poly but really, really didn't. The reason he finally gave for not setting any rules was that he "couldn't think of anything I could do that would hurt him." It was at that point that the counselor and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes and pretty much gave up. He was the only one in his relationship which simply doesn't work in any configuration at all, poly or monogamous.

I will not hide who and what I am but it's hard enough to find someone who is compatible. I do know some wonderfully functional and loving poly families and it always takes teamwork and lots and lots of candid communication.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> As I have possibly mentioned before, my ex simply refused to make any rules for our poly life because he didn't want to be limited. <<

Um, that's not polyamory. That's fucking around. Polyamory has agreements between partners just like monogamy does; they simply have more diverse possible parameters. Without agreements, that's barely even a relationship except for the length and depth of contact.

>>I will not hide who and what I am but it's hard enough to find someone who is compatible.<<

Sooth.

>> I do know some wonderfully functional and loving poly families and it always takes teamwork and lots and lots of candid communication.<<

Yeah, the way I put it is this: polyfolk don't have a sex fetish, they have a communication fetish.

Re: Thoughts

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY!