How Couples Meet

[ysabetwordsmith]

There used to be many ways to meet a potential lifepartner; now it's almost all online.  This poses many problems, including but not limited to:

* People who dislike, can't use, or can't afford a computer are almost completely shut out of dating.

* Meeting online loses body language, and crucially for mate selection, personal scent.

* Most online venues are designed for fast interactions, not slow ones.  Serious relationships benefit from slow development and suffer from speeding.

* It's almost completely useless for some orientations, such as demisexual or demiromantic folks, which rely on building a close relationship before feelings of lust or romance may develop.

That doesn't mean you can't make friends or fall in love online.  For some people, the pros may outweigh the cons.  But making that major of a change in just 20 years seems like begging for trouble.

Comments

[cmcmck]

Mine was a chance meeting.

At the opera- there's romantic! :o)

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Mine was a chance meeting at a Renaissance faire.

I note that "while pursuing common interests" didn't even make the list. 0_o

[thewayne]

People who dislike, can't use, or can't afford a computer or smart phone are almost completely shut out of dating.

FTFY.

My wife and I met online on a dating web site 21 years ago next month. We lived 500 miles apart, but her work schedule and my job being convenient for telecommuting made that pretty much a non-issue.

[(Anonymous)]

I would challenge that denisexual point. I'm demi and online actually works better for me than in person - I met both my two loves online. What it meant was that I had to sort through an insane number of people and find the ones that actually put a good character description rather than just a paragraph, and then had to see if they were open to writing to each other for a while before meeting. If they rushed to meet, it doesnt work bc I'm demi so I don't know them enough to want to bother meeting up. But my partner and I spent about four hours a day writing to each other the first two weeks and I was half in live before I laid eyes on him. I find that writing to each other helps me get that emotional connection as I get to know someone. Problem of course is that most alloromantics want to meet immediately and don't want to spend weeks to months writing to each other. Which I get, looks are important for them, they need to see a person to get that spark etc. But just meeting a person for one date does nothing for me and tends to rush the pace of dating faster than I like. Three in person dates is not enough for me to be interested. But three weeks of writing every day, proper writing not just hi/bye create a much deeper knowledge of a person. So I think online has it's challenges, but can work as well or better than in person for demis.

Hmm ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Thanks for the extra perspective. I've only heard demis complain about online dating before. I'm glad it worked for you.

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> People who dislike, can't use, or can't afford a computer or smart phone are almost completely shut out of dating.<<

I meant computers in general, not just desktops, but yes, smartphones too.

>>My wife and I met online on a dating web site 21 years ago next month. We lived 500 miles apart, but her work schedule and my job being convenient for telecommuting made that pretty much a non-issue.MM

Lucky you.

[a_natural_beauty]

My boyfriend and I met on Okcupid many years ago - when it was quite a different website. But after we broke up we were still able to stay in touch somewhat and almost three years ago started dating again. It's been going nicely since.

[see_also_friend]

People who can afford computers may have their own methods of finding partners, like how prostitution and queer bars/clubs existed outside of the traditional courtship scene for, well, probably as long as weve had courtship, cities and booze.

Meeting online also removes a lot of oppertunity for bias on appearance, etc. YMMV on whether a specific person likes it, and it may indeed be good to meet in person before actually getting engaged or something, but overall online can show off someone's mind and values in ways a single coffee date might miss.

If people use the tools to filter out potential partners, they could correspond elsewhere. Or just put down 'I'd like to get to know you before becoming serious' in their profile. So yeah, potential issue, but it could be worked around.



Misc:

I'd suggest that maybe the problem is less the tools than how people use them.

Specifically, theres a theory somewhere that if you go somewhere looking to leave with a date, your results may frequently be meh, but if you go someplace fun with compatible people you might have a suprise, and at the very least you can have a fun evening by yourself. Applying that to cyberspace might work.

Dating sites are like matchmakers, but I am not sure they offer the same level if experience as a human professional. They also dont seem to offer the same level of 'I vouch for this person' that youd get with being connected by some sort of community network (which can be /vital/ for women and other minorities to feel safe.)

Dating sites might be a good way to filter out incompatible people in ways that might be difficult in RL random encounters. Think people who need a partner with a shared niche interest, who have a religious or cultural set of requirements, or heck are just plain choosy.

...and I'm reminded of the NCIS episode where the workaholic points out she works 6 days out of 7, so where else is she supposed to find someone than at work...? And then Gibbs responds with "Church." [Though I'd substitute 'church's with 'personal activity/hobby of your choice.'

[fred_mouse]

important detail to notice in that graph: it stops in 2020.