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ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," "Little and Broken, but Still Good," "Byzantine Perplexities," "Up the Water Spout," "The Life of the Dead," "If They Could Just Stay Little," "Anahata," "When the Wheels Come Off," "Against His Own Shield," "Coming in from the Cold: Saturday: Building Towers," "Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Shaking Foundations," "Coming in from the Cold: Monday: Memorial Day," "Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears," "What Little Boys Are Made Of," "Rotten Fruit," "Keep the Homefires Burning," and "Their Old Familiar Carols Play."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Sam Wilson, JARVIS, DUM-E, U, Butterfingers
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Food issues, religion, past alcohol abuse, sparring, minor injury, insecurity, nonsexual ageplay, tactile issues, forgiveness, games, PTSD, boundary issues, HYDRA, teamwork, SHIELD, laboratory, messy medical details, facing the past, memory issues, frustration, interpersonal dynamics, emotional challenges, past abuse, and other angst.
Summary: Phil manages the household as Tony takes Steve and Bucky to a baseball game, and later spars with Betty and Bruce. Later that day, Bruce helps Bucky figure out some things about his body.
Notes: Team as family. Competence. Friendship. Comfort food. Emotional first aid. Nostalgia. Hot tub. Protectiveness. Hurt/comfort. Science. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. Skip to Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13.
Warning: This post involves some messy medical details and references to unpleasant past experiences for Bucky and Bruce. If this is touchy territory for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Coming in from the Cold: Thursday: Digging for Answers" Part 8
Bucky looked at the screen, tapped it a few times, and then laughed. "I'm supposed to hit cartoon gophers with a mallet?"
"As fast as you can," Bruce said as he picked up the carton.
Bucky's fingers moved in a blur. "I sure hope you can keep up with me, JARVIS," he teased.
"Do not worry," JARVIS said. "I am capable of processing the reaction speed of all living organisms I have encountered so far. If you reach the technological limitations of the hardware available, there is a standard bounty set by Stark Industries."
"Even if I -- I play with my off hand?" Bucky said, wiggling his metal fingers.
"The bounty concerns the performance of the technology itself, not the methods used to exceed its capacity," JARVIS said.
Bucky got so engrossed in the game that he paid no attention to the occasional clink of glass and metal or the whir of machinery as Bruce puttered around in the background. Bucky's score climbed steadily. The tablet thumped and squeaked under his touch. A faint smile curled his lips.
Bucky seems to be doing well -- better than I expected, Phil mused. Bruce is good at helping people feel secure.
When Bruce came back, he waited politely for Bucky to finish the current round before holding out a hand for the tablet. "Let's see what you've got."
"Is it ... is it any good?" Bucky asked.
"Oh yes," Bruce said. "Look, here's human average, these are some scores from fighter pilots and racecar drivers, then here's Steve. Now compare your scores. They're faster than unmodified humans, but not quite as fast as Steve."
"Still a freak," Bucky said softly. He drooped in place.
"No, you're not," Bruce said in a firm tone. "Here, I've got some numbers from the kids at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Some of them have truly superhuman speed. Hank and I don't let them get away with calling themselves 'freaks' either."
"Do you think of Steve as a freak?" Phil asked.
That brought Bucky's head right up, mouth set and eyes flashing, ready for a fight. "He is not a freak!" Bucky snapped.
"Then neither are you," Phil said.
"Sorry," said Bucky. He looked away. "I guess I'm a bit jumpy right now."
"Do you want to stop, or keep going?" Bruce asked him. "It's your choice."
Bucky's metal fingers drummed against the counter. "What's up next?"
"If you're willing to give up a little blood, we could learn a lot from that," Bruce said. "Different tests take different amounts, so compare what you want to learn and what you feel like you can spare." He tapped a few commands into the tablet and the screen filled with columns of text.
"Like what?" Bucky asked, leaning over to look.
"I'll show you my work narrowing down the options," Bruce said. "This is the whole list of tests. First we drop everything for demographics you don't fit, like women."
Bucky snickered. Even Phil smiled.
"Next we take out all the tests looking for the cause of specific complaints," Bruce said. He scrolled up and down to show Bucky how much shorter the list had gotten.
"That still looks like a lot," Bucky said.
"Now subtract most of the stuff that SHIELD already did -- which by the way, they should not have done, they had no right to do that without your informed consent. It was immoral and illegal," Bruce grumbled.
Bucky shrugged. "I'm used to it."
"SHIELD is really starting to make me angry," Bruce said.
Phil swept his gaze over Bruce's skin, but it was all pink. Apparently this anger belonged to Bruce, not to Hulk. "You have valid reason to object. You're welcome to file complaints. I'll countersign as needed," Phil offered.
"Actually, we can do better than that," said JARVIS. "Bucky, if you retroactively deny consent for what SHIELD did, I can remove the stolen data from their possession. I considered doing so earlier, but I wished to get your input first. Since they lost most of their interest in the project after your departure, it did not seem urgent. Do you wish your medical records removed from SHIELD databases?"
"Yeah ... wipe 'em," Bucky said through his teeth. "You can keep a copy for yourself. You, I trust with it."
"What about Dr. Banner, or the rest of the team?" JARVIS said delicately. "It would help for you to set the access protocols on these files."
"I trust the doc too," Bucky said. His face crumpled. "Could I ... could I say that other teammates can read it if they really need to, but not just to play with?"
"Yes, of course," JARVIS said. "Menu up."
Bucky's Starkphone chirped for attention. He looked at it, scrolled through a few things, then tapped on the screen. "Thanks, JARVIS," he said with sigh of relief. "That really helps."
"You're welcome," JARVIS replied. "I am happy that I could resolve something for you."
Bucky turned back to Bruce. "We can go back to the list now."
The Starkpad flickered in Bruce's hands. "Give me a minute to skim the new material," he said. "A few of these we may consider redoing. See, we want to look at your metabolism, hormone levels, what your body is doing right now. You can bet some of that has changed since you left SHIELD -- you were pretty messed up when you first got here."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "That was awful." His fingers drifted over the screen. "Didn't we go over some of this before, when we were talking about my arm?"
"Healing and immune factors, yes," Bruce said as he highlighted several items.
"Do those," Bucky said. "Tony's making great progress with the prototype, and I want this hunk of junk off me as soon as possible."
"Let me sort what's left by probable usefulness and amount of blood required," Bruce said. The screen divided in half. "Get your phone and set up a yes-no-maybe stack there."
With help from JARVIS, the sorting process went quickly. Bucky wavered from time to time, but always regained his focus. Bruce murmured quiet encouragement and advice.
Finally Bucky said, "So we can do all this with three, yeah?"
"Three vials, yes. That's a nice stack of information, without putting too much of a burden on your body. Super-soldier or not, you still have to replace lost blood, and your body is busy enough already just trying to fix the previous damage," said Bruce.
"I'm glad I don't remember SHIELD all that clearly," said Bucky. "It's just bits and pieces."
"Sometimes not remembering is a relief," Bruce said. He set down the tablet and collected supplies. "Okay, roll up your right sleeve for me."
All of Bucky's muscles tensed at once. Metal squealed as his left hand clenched around the edge of the chair.
"Whoa, hey, take it easy," Bruce said. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."
"I have to know," Bucky gritted. "I just hate this, is all."
Phil wondered what had set him on edge so abruptly. It couldn't be the anticipation of pain, or at least, not that alone. Bucky's pain tolerance was so ludicriously overdeveloped that it was dangerous. More than once, he had injured himself and neither noticed nor cared.
"I know the feeling," Bruce said. "You bending that chair until it tips you onto the floor is not helping, though." He reached out and tenderly uncurled Bucky's metal fingers from the rim. "Let me find you something safer to hold onto."
"I'm fine," Bucky said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bruce said, rummaging in a drawer.
Phil kept a close eye on Bucky. The shallow wavers in personality were getting deeper. "We could take a break if you need to," Phil said.
"I need to get through this." Bucky rolled up his sleeve with jerky motions.
"Here, hold onto these," Bruce said. He tucked a red ball into Bucky's right hand and a green one into the left.
"Why do they feel so different?" Bucky asked as he kneaded first one and then the other.
"Well, that one's mine," Bruce said as he pointed to the green ball, "and the other one is Tony's."
They must have different densities, Phil guessed. Tony's would be at blacksmith level, while Bruce's has to stand up to pre-Hulk surges of strength.
"Yours is way stiffer," Bucky said.
"I need it that way," Bruce said. He laid one hand over Bucky's bare forearm. Bucky flinched. Bruce waited for him to settle, then began stroking over the soft skin, giving Bucky a chance to get used to the touch. "Now, how about you tell me what has you so rattled. I can't fix a problem if I don't know what's wrong."
"Nothing to fix." Bucky's flesh shoulder lifted and dropped. "I just ... got a lot of bad memories."
"Don't we all," Bruce murmured.
Bucky snorted. "I doubt that even yours would stand up to mine."
"If only," Bruce said. "Did you know that Hulk's skin is impenetrable to most types of attack? One time we were held captive, someone decided to try getting through it with a mining drill. You know, the kind with a diamond bit?"
Bucky's jaw dropped. "That's insane."
"Oh yes. It ended very badly," Bruce said.
Attacking a traumatized giant with a drill was bound to go horribly wrong, Phil thought. That little detail hadn't made it into any of the reports he'd read. No wonder Hulk used to be so panicky.
"They might as well have tried attacking a tank with an ice pick," Bucky said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bruce said. Somehow he'd gotten Bucky's hand turned palm up and a scrunchy thing snugged above the elbow, all without another word of protest from Bucky. "Since we've agreed on having experienced the nadir of bedside manner, would you like to give mine a try? I'm not asking you to trust me here. I'm asking you to test me. Then you'll know how good I am, and whether my skill meets your standards or not. If not, you can always pick someone else next time."
Bucky's gaze dropped to where Bruce's fingers trailed lightly over his forearm. "Yeah. It's just ... everything's such a muddle, in my head. I keep ... losing track of where I am, when, who ..." His fist clenched around the red ball, knuckles paling with the pressure. The ball dimpled slightly and then sprang back. "What they did to me, how much it hurt ..."
"Well, it's always going to sting a little bit," Bruce said, "but if you work with me, I can reduce the discomfort to a bare minimum. There are three parts to this equation, really. My equipment, which is top-notch. My skill, which is capable, and you can judge that for yourself. Your anticipation, which is the real problem here."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "Not your fault HYDRA already fucked me up."
"You are not fucked up, you just need more careful handling than you've gotten before," said Bruce. "There are two main options for dealing with anticipatory stress. One is to work fast enough to get ahead of it. That's not an option right now, nor is it a good idea when working with jumpy people. The other is to calm you down first, to get through that negative anticipation."
"I need to know what you're doing, so I can hold myself back from hitting you," Bucky said.
"You're not going to hit me."
"I've lost count how many medtechs I've hit," Bucky said, shaking his head. The green ball squeaked as his thumb slipped over the surface, squeezing hard. "It's why they always start by strapping me down."
"Then we can help by making this different," Bruce said. "You're not bound, so --"
"Yeah, um ... Phil should probably scoot back," said Bucky, giving him an anxious look. "I don't want to hurt anyone."
That was a relief.
"All right," Phil said as he moved his chair farther away. "Reach for me." Bucky stretched out his left arm, and Phil measured the distance by extending his own until their hands barely touched. "That should do it."
"See, we can fix things when we know what to change," Bruce said. His voice had dropped into that soft, lulling range. "All you have to do is tell us what you need."
"Some kind of anchor," Bucky said. "I feel like I'm ... not really here, not even real."
Phil used his Starkpad to bring up a few references. That sounds like depersonalization and derealization, he thought. Natasha has similar problems sometimes. I wonder if any of that relates to their shared experiences. Then he recalled that Steve sometimes felt adrift in modern time and had an iffy relationship with his body. Bruce-and-Hulk had some dissociative symptoms, which were related, plus their own unique body issues. Some sort of body dysphoria may be a common point. Perhaps it has to do with the Serum, as well as their experiences. Then again, Steve had been fine before the train and the ice; Bruce-and-Hulk were closer than they realized. Oh, who knows what ...
* * *
Notes:
Reaction time games come in various types, such as Whack the Gopher. Here is another set of reflex games.
Freak is a pejorative term for people who are different, such as mutants. It also ties into negative views of disability. Over time, these views have changed somewhat, so Bucky's perspective is worse than contemporary ones; but there's still a long way to go. This also shows Bucky's low sense of self-worth.
Consent and privacy are key issues for the Avengers. Bucky's wish to restrict his medical records on a need-to-know basis reveals that at least some of his personal boundaries are starting to recover. Since JARVIS basically is the internet, it's no trouble for him to remove information that SHIELD is not permitted to have.
Hand exercisers come in a range of density, typically scaled to ordinary human strength. The Avengers made some that are more durable and more difficult to compress, to account for their higher strength levels. In addition to the usual hand exercises, these things also help in any situation that makes people want to clench their fists. Squeezing an object is just as satisfying, and avoids breaking anything or cutting through skin with fingernails. This is especially useful for a team where several members can bend metal with their bare hands.
Hulk is the movie with the drill scene. While it is not wholly canonical for the purpose of this series, I have incorporated several aspects of it -- and this nonsense is clearly typical of what people do if they catch Bruce-and-Hulk.
Stress comes in several varieties, which respond to different solutions. Anticipatory stress comes before a dreaded event. This hooks into PTSD because hypervigilance makes the brain predict that an approaching event will resemble past trauma, hence the panicky reaction. Validation is crucial for taking the situation seriously and not blowing off someone's concerns. Relaxation techniques can reduce the stress level. Supportive friends help a lot. Among the most important solutions in the case of trauma-related stress is to make things as different as possible. This helps the mind stay anchored in the here-and-now instead of getting lost in past horrors.
[To be continued in Part 9 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Sam Wilson, JARVIS, DUM-E, U, Butterfingers
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Food issues, religion, past alcohol abuse, sparring, minor injury, insecurity, nonsexual ageplay, tactile issues, forgiveness, games, PTSD, boundary issues, HYDRA, teamwork, SHIELD, laboratory, messy medical details, facing the past, memory issues, frustration, interpersonal dynamics, emotional challenges, past abuse, and other angst.
Summary: Phil manages the household as Tony takes Steve and Bucky to a baseball game, and later spars with Betty and Bruce. Later that day, Bruce helps Bucky figure out some things about his body.
Notes: Team as family. Competence. Friendship. Comfort food. Emotional first aid. Nostalgia. Hot tub. Protectiveness. Hurt/comfort. Science. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. Skip to Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13.
Warning: This post involves some messy medical details and references to unpleasant past experiences for Bucky and Bruce. If this is touchy territory for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Coming in from the Cold: Thursday: Digging for Answers" Part 8
Bucky looked at the screen, tapped it a few times, and then laughed. "I'm supposed to hit cartoon gophers with a mallet?"
"As fast as you can," Bruce said as he picked up the carton.
Bucky's fingers moved in a blur. "I sure hope you can keep up with me, JARVIS," he teased.
"Do not worry," JARVIS said. "I am capable of processing the reaction speed of all living organisms I have encountered so far. If you reach the technological limitations of the hardware available, there is a standard bounty set by Stark Industries."
"Even if I -- I play with my off hand?" Bucky said, wiggling his metal fingers.
"The bounty concerns the performance of the technology itself, not the methods used to exceed its capacity," JARVIS said.
Bucky got so engrossed in the game that he paid no attention to the occasional clink of glass and metal or the whir of machinery as Bruce puttered around in the background. Bucky's score climbed steadily. The tablet thumped and squeaked under his touch. A faint smile curled his lips.
Bucky seems to be doing well -- better than I expected, Phil mused. Bruce is good at helping people feel secure.
When Bruce came back, he waited politely for Bucky to finish the current round before holding out a hand for the tablet. "Let's see what you've got."
"Is it ... is it any good?" Bucky asked.
"Oh yes," Bruce said. "Look, here's human average, these are some scores from fighter pilots and racecar drivers, then here's Steve. Now compare your scores. They're faster than unmodified humans, but not quite as fast as Steve."
"Still a freak," Bucky said softly. He drooped in place.
"No, you're not," Bruce said in a firm tone. "Here, I've got some numbers from the kids at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Some of them have truly superhuman speed. Hank and I don't let them get away with calling themselves 'freaks' either."
"Do you think of Steve as a freak?" Phil asked.
That brought Bucky's head right up, mouth set and eyes flashing, ready for a fight. "He is not a freak!" Bucky snapped.
"Then neither are you," Phil said.
"Sorry," said Bucky. He looked away. "I guess I'm a bit jumpy right now."
"Do you want to stop, or keep going?" Bruce asked him. "It's your choice."
Bucky's metal fingers drummed against the counter. "What's up next?"
"If you're willing to give up a little blood, we could learn a lot from that," Bruce said. "Different tests take different amounts, so compare what you want to learn and what you feel like you can spare." He tapped a few commands into the tablet and the screen filled with columns of text.
"Like what?" Bucky asked, leaning over to look.
"I'll show you my work narrowing down the options," Bruce said. "This is the whole list of tests. First we drop everything for demographics you don't fit, like women."
Bucky snickered. Even Phil smiled.
"Next we take out all the tests looking for the cause of specific complaints," Bruce said. He scrolled up and down to show Bucky how much shorter the list had gotten.
"That still looks like a lot," Bucky said.
"Now subtract most of the stuff that SHIELD already did -- which by the way, they should not have done, they had no right to do that without your informed consent. It was immoral and illegal," Bruce grumbled.
Bucky shrugged. "I'm used to it."
"SHIELD is really starting to make me angry," Bruce said.
Phil swept his gaze over Bruce's skin, but it was all pink. Apparently this anger belonged to Bruce, not to Hulk. "You have valid reason to object. You're welcome to file complaints. I'll countersign as needed," Phil offered.
"Actually, we can do better than that," said JARVIS. "Bucky, if you retroactively deny consent for what SHIELD did, I can remove the stolen data from their possession. I considered doing so earlier, but I wished to get your input first. Since they lost most of their interest in the project after your departure, it did not seem urgent. Do you wish your medical records removed from SHIELD databases?"
"Yeah ... wipe 'em," Bucky said through his teeth. "You can keep a copy for yourself. You, I trust with it."
"What about Dr. Banner, or the rest of the team?" JARVIS said delicately. "It would help for you to set the access protocols on these files."
"I trust the doc too," Bucky said. His face crumpled. "Could I ... could I say that other teammates can read it if they really need to, but not just to play with?"
"Yes, of course," JARVIS said. "Menu up."
Bucky's Starkphone chirped for attention. He looked at it, scrolled through a few things, then tapped on the screen. "Thanks, JARVIS," he said with sigh of relief. "That really helps."
"You're welcome," JARVIS replied. "I am happy that I could resolve something for you."
Bucky turned back to Bruce. "We can go back to the list now."
The Starkpad flickered in Bruce's hands. "Give me a minute to skim the new material," he said. "A few of these we may consider redoing. See, we want to look at your metabolism, hormone levels, what your body is doing right now. You can bet some of that has changed since you left SHIELD -- you were pretty messed up when you first got here."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "That was awful." His fingers drifted over the screen. "Didn't we go over some of this before, when we were talking about my arm?"
"Healing and immune factors, yes," Bruce said as he highlighted several items.
"Do those," Bucky said. "Tony's making great progress with the prototype, and I want this hunk of junk off me as soon as possible."
"Let me sort what's left by probable usefulness and amount of blood required," Bruce said. The screen divided in half. "Get your phone and set up a yes-no-maybe stack there."
With help from JARVIS, the sorting process went quickly. Bucky wavered from time to time, but always regained his focus. Bruce murmured quiet encouragement and advice.
Finally Bucky said, "So we can do all this with three, yeah?"
"Three vials, yes. That's a nice stack of information, without putting too much of a burden on your body. Super-soldier or not, you still have to replace lost blood, and your body is busy enough already just trying to fix the previous damage," said Bruce.
"I'm glad I don't remember SHIELD all that clearly," said Bucky. "It's just bits and pieces."
"Sometimes not remembering is a relief," Bruce said. He set down the tablet and collected supplies. "Okay, roll up your right sleeve for me."
All of Bucky's muscles tensed at once. Metal squealed as his left hand clenched around the edge of the chair.
"Whoa, hey, take it easy," Bruce said. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."
"I have to know," Bucky gritted. "I just hate this, is all."
Phil wondered what had set him on edge so abruptly. It couldn't be the anticipation of pain, or at least, not that alone. Bucky's pain tolerance was so ludicriously overdeveloped that it was dangerous. More than once, he had injured himself and neither noticed nor cared.
"I know the feeling," Bruce said. "You bending that chair until it tips you onto the floor is not helping, though." He reached out and tenderly uncurled Bucky's metal fingers from the rim. "Let me find you something safer to hold onto."
"I'm fine," Bucky said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bruce said, rummaging in a drawer.
Phil kept a close eye on Bucky. The shallow wavers in personality were getting deeper. "We could take a break if you need to," Phil said.
"I need to get through this." Bucky rolled up his sleeve with jerky motions.
"Here, hold onto these," Bruce said. He tucked a red ball into Bucky's right hand and a green one into the left.
"Why do they feel so different?" Bucky asked as he kneaded first one and then the other.
"Well, that one's mine," Bruce said as he pointed to the green ball, "and the other one is Tony's."
They must have different densities, Phil guessed. Tony's would be at blacksmith level, while Bruce's has to stand up to pre-Hulk surges of strength.
"Yours is way stiffer," Bucky said.
"I need it that way," Bruce said. He laid one hand over Bucky's bare forearm. Bucky flinched. Bruce waited for him to settle, then began stroking over the soft skin, giving Bucky a chance to get used to the touch. "Now, how about you tell me what has you so rattled. I can't fix a problem if I don't know what's wrong."
"Nothing to fix." Bucky's flesh shoulder lifted and dropped. "I just ... got a lot of bad memories."
"Don't we all," Bruce murmured.
Bucky snorted. "I doubt that even yours would stand up to mine."
"If only," Bruce said. "Did you know that Hulk's skin is impenetrable to most types of attack? One time we were held captive, someone decided to try getting through it with a mining drill. You know, the kind with a diamond bit?"
Bucky's jaw dropped. "That's insane."
"Oh yes. It ended very badly," Bruce said.
Attacking a traumatized giant with a drill was bound to go horribly wrong, Phil thought. That little detail hadn't made it into any of the reports he'd read. No wonder Hulk used to be so panicky.
"They might as well have tried attacking a tank with an ice pick," Bucky said.
"Mmm-hmm," Bruce said. Somehow he'd gotten Bucky's hand turned palm up and a scrunchy thing snugged above the elbow, all without another word of protest from Bucky. "Since we've agreed on having experienced the nadir of bedside manner, would you like to give mine a try? I'm not asking you to trust me here. I'm asking you to test me. Then you'll know how good I am, and whether my skill meets your standards or not. If not, you can always pick someone else next time."
Bucky's gaze dropped to where Bruce's fingers trailed lightly over his forearm. "Yeah. It's just ... everything's such a muddle, in my head. I keep ... losing track of where I am, when, who ..." His fist clenched around the red ball, knuckles paling with the pressure. The ball dimpled slightly and then sprang back. "What they did to me, how much it hurt ..."
"Well, it's always going to sting a little bit," Bruce said, "but if you work with me, I can reduce the discomfort to a bare minimum. There are three parts to this equation, really. My equipment, which is top-notch. My skill, which is capable, and you can judge that for yourself. Your anticipation, which is the real problem here."
"Yeah," Bucky said. "Not your fault HYDRA already fucked me up."
"You are not fucked up, you just need more careful handling than you've gotten before," said Bruce. "There are two main options for dealing with anticipatory stress. One is to work fast enough to get ahead of it. That's not an option right now, nor is it a good idea when working with jumpy people. The other is to calm you down first, to get through that negative anticipation."
"I need to know what you're doing, so I can hold myself back from hitting you," Bucky said.
"You're not going to hit me."
"I've lost count how many medtechs I've hit," Bucky said, shaking his head. The green ball squeaked as his thumb slipped over the surface, squeezing hard. "It's why they always start by strapping me down."
"Then we can help by making this different," Bruce said. "You're not bound, so --"
"Yeah, um ... Phil should probably scoot back," said Bucky, giving him an anxious look. "I don't want to hurt anyone."
That was a relief.
"All right," Phil said as he moved his chair farther away. "Reach for me." Bucky stretched out his left arm, and Phil measured the distance by extending his own until their hands barely touched. "That should do it."
"See, we can fix things when we know what to change," Bruce said. His voice had dropped into that soft, lulling range. "All you have to do is tell us what you need."
"Some kind of anchor," Bucky said. "I feel like I'm ... not really here, not even real."
Phil used his Starkpad to bring up a few references. That sounds like depersonalization and derealization, he thought. Natasha has similar problems sometimes. I wonder if any of that relates to their shared experiences. Then he recalled that Steve sometimes felt adrift in modern time and had an iffy relationship with his body. Bruce-and-Hulk had some dissociative symptoms, which were related, plus their own unique body issues. Some sort of body dysphoria may be a common point. Perhaps it has to do with the Serum, as well as their experiences. Then again, Steve had been fine before the train and the ice; Bruce-and-Hulk were closer than they realized. Oh, who knows what ...
* * *
Notes:
Reaction time games come in various types, such as Whack the Gopher. Here is another set of reflex games.
Freak is a pejorative term for people who are different, such as mutants. It also ties into negative views of disability. Over time, these views have changed somewhat, so Bucky's perspective is worse than contemporary ones; but there's still a long way to go. This also shows Bucky's low sense of self-worth.
Consent and privacy are key issues for the Avengers. Bucky's wish to restrict his medical records on a need-to-know basis reveals that at least some of his personal boundaries are starting to recover. Since JARVIS basically is the internet, it's no trouble for him to remove information that SHIELD is not permitted to have.
Hand exercisers come in a range of density, typically scaled to ordinary human strength. The Avengers made some that are more durable and more difficult to compress, to account for their higher strength levels. In addition to the usual hand exercises, these things also help in any situation that makes people want to clench their fists. Squeezing an object is just as satisfying, and avoids breaking anything or cutting through skin with fingernails. This is especially useful for a team where several members can bend metal with their bare hands.
Hulk is the movie with the drill scene. While it is not wholly canonical for the purpose of this series, I have incorporated several aspects of it -- and this nonsense is clearly typical of what people do if they catch Bruce-and-Hulk.
Stress comes in several varieties, which respond to different solutions. Anticipatory stress comes before a dreaded event. This hooks into PTSD because hypervigilance makes the brain predict that an approaching event will resemble past trauma, hence the panicky reaction. Validation is crucial for taking the situation seriously and not blowing off someone's concerns. Relaxation techniques can reduce the stress level. Supportive friends help a lot. Among the most important solutions in the case of trauma-related stress is to make things as different as possible. This helps the mind stay anchored in the here-and-now instead of getting lost in past horrors.
[To be continued in Part 9 ...]
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 02:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 03:45 am (UTC)But I Do. Not. Look. So, yeah. I grok. Empathies.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 04:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 06:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 06:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 06:22 am (UTC)Yes ...
Date: 2017-11-30 06:58 am (UTC)Re: Yes ...
Date: 2017-11-30 07:00 am (UTC)(mel-blanc) Neeeyeahhhh, what's up, Duck? (/mel-blanc)
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:21 am (UTC)I used to really have a thing about needles. Learning to give myself an IM injection (fairly *deep* IM at that) cured a big chunk of it. Having to give myself insulin shots got rid of the rest.
I *still* don't watch blood draws. I probably could, but why tempt fate?
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:13 pm (UTC)And I don't look either.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 03:24 am (UTC)I love that even though you're mostly using an MCU continuity unlike the movies you have the flexibility to also incorporate X-Men/mutant stuff... because *relevant*.
Also - kinda random side-note. I had never gotten into comic books because my brain has trouble processing them (especially big panels with lots of dialogue - is confusing for brain) but I got hold of the comics app from Comixology and.... it has a guided reading mode. That shows you one frame at a time. Or parts of a larger frame. And it's *amazing* for me. So... now I'm on the second volume of The Runaways. And yeah. I'm excited so I'm babbling.... >.>
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 03:54 am (UTC)Wasn't there a major buy-out recently that finally gets all Marvel's stuff under one roof?
As for us here... that's one of the things that's so wonderful about this space, is that it really doesn't make one bit of difference if we're NT (though I couldn't tell you anyone who *is* NT, not that it's any of my bidness), NV, NA (Hi!), single consciousness, multiple systems, human, otherkin, or freakin alt-gender tentacle monster (Hi, Tim!), we are all welcome here as long as Wheaton's Law prevails.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 04:21 am (UTC)I seem to remember some talk about that, re: MCU but I don't recall details or whether the deal was finalized. If so, that would be /amazing/.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 11:26 am (UTC)Aww ...
Date: 2017-11-30 12:12 pm (UTC)Shucks, now you're gonna make me blush. :D
Re: Aww ...
Date: 2017-11-30 03:17 pm (UTC)Wheaton's Law
Date: 2017-11-30 05:22 pm (UTC)Re: Wheaton's Law
Date: 2017-11-30 08:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 03:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:25 pm (UTC)Definition of bate:
1 : to reduce the force or intensity of : restrain · waited with bated breath
(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-06 05:27 am (UTC)don't forget the EMLA cream
Date: 2017-11-30 04:12 am (UTC)Re: don't forget the EMLA cream
Date: 2017-11-30 04:38 am (UTC)Re: don't forget the EMLA cream
Date: 2017-11-30 05:26 am (UTC)So I assume that it depends more than a bit on where you live.
Ask at your local pharmacy, and if you *can* get it, just remember to use it with care. Pain responses are there for a reason.
Re: don't forget the EMLA cream
Date: 2017-11-30 06:21 am (UTC)Re: don't forget the EMLA cream
Date: 2017-11-30 11:55 am (UTC)Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 04:53 am (UTC)Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 05:10 am (UTC)Agreed, and one or the other of us may have written that with him too. Especially with Shiv, who they're trying to teach how to test people because he often doesn't -- Shiv tends to assume the worst. I think the most consistent test I've seen him do is that when he walks into a house where he'll be staying, he looks for the first fragile thing in reach and breaks it to see how people will respond. Habit from his foster days, and it set in early enough that it's lasted even though distrust has become his standard mode.
I wish Dr. G was real too. *wist* Or even that more people followed his professional standards of respecting his clients.
>> I loved seeing Bruce gentle, capable, and confident. <<
:D He is consistently gentle; it takes a lot to provoke him into aggression. He is highly capable. Confidence ... seems to come out most often when Dr. Banner is taking care of something. On personal matters he's more diffident. But he's trying to nerf that a bit to avoid putting pressure on Bucky, so the tone here is different than, say, that scene where Bucky had the awful caffeine crash.
>> There is NEVER enough of that in the official MCU movies.<<
Sadly so. On the bright side, that means less competition for us. There is so much to be written in superpower literature that the mainstream just has no interest in. That's my favorite stuff. :D
Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 06:18 am (UTC)I think the one that got me - and I don't remember who did it - was the one where they taught the Hogwarts' houses to *respect each other*... and instead of DA being *just* Gryffindors it was *all of them*, and they *kicked ass*, and some Major Character Death *did not happen*...
That and the marching out of the Warden. Oh, ye gods and little fishies, PRICELESS. I wanna see a
*real*L-America cuff'n'stuff like that before I die. Please. Soon.Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 06:36 am (UTC)It's obvious to anyone who knows either psychology or elemental magic that for best results one needed a team consisting of members from all four Houses.
>> That and the marching out of the Warden. Oh, ye gods and little fishies, PRICELESS. <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
A key difference between L-America and T-America is that L-America protects its bad cops, resulting in widespread corruption; whereas T-America fires them, which keeps the problem to a minimum. T-America wants to make clear that certain things are unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Because they understand that if you abuse criminals, you're not teaching them right and wrong, you're just reinforcing might makes right. T-America is trying to get that bad idea out of Shiv's head, so they take a very dim view of the warden and certain guards trampling his boundaries. How's he ever going to learn to treat other people decently if nobody ever handles him with respect? You can nag all the livelong day and only make people stubborner; it's modeling that can actually influence behavior. Shiv has seen any number of people get away with mayhem, and doesn't much care about arrests ... but that walk of shame sure made an impression on him.
>> I wanna see a *real* L-America cuff'n'stuff like that before I die. Please. Soon. <<
If only.
Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 10:06 am (UTC)Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 10:17 am (UTC)Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 11:32 am (UTC)Re: Trust versus test
Date: 2017-11-30 11:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:41 am (UTC)Yes ...
Date: 2017-11-30 06:45 am (UTC)What I enjoy exploring most is the question of how much his traumatic past has influenced him, and how much he can change when put into a healthier situation. Since Bruce and Hulk share a genius brain, and Bruce is intellectual while Hulk is intuitive, I write Hulk as an emotional genius. Now that he's in a safer place with people who treat him nicely, Hulk is able to distinguish better between friend and foe, and he has more opportunities to learn more than just fighting. So the gentle side shows more.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 10:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 12:28 pm (UTC)Loved the idea of the stress balls, and I noticed they were colour coded. Tony really likes red, but I wonder, does Bruce really like green, or does he just associate the colour with Hulk?
I also noticed how protective Bucky was of Steve being called a freak, but so ready to take that label to himself without even a whimper.
I wonder what they will use as an anchor for Bucky. I wonder if music from the 30's or 40's would help, or make things worse.
Zelofheda
Thoughts
Date: 2017-12-01 01:14 am (UTC)I think I may have touched on this, but not necessarily in detail yet. I have a few notes for some future examples.
>> Loved the idea of the stress balls, and I noticed they were colour coded. Tony really likes red, but I wonder, does Bruce really like green, or does he just associate the colour with Hulk? <<
For Tony, it's a genuine favorite. For Bruce, green is his danger-color due to association with Hulk. For Hulk, bright colors like green and purple are appealing. Bruce gravitates toward soft neutrals like medium browns and grays, although if you watch closely, you'll see him in blues and purples sometimes. Tony will put him in aubergine if Bruce will let him get away with that, because it's a classy color and Bruce wears it well. But that's pushing his edge of tolerance for anything eye-catching.
>> I also noticed how protective Bucky was of Steve being called a freak, but so ready to take that label to himself without even a whimper. <<
Absolutely. Steve is the same way. When it comes to disability and related issues, their attitudes are bitched to hell because of when they grew up. Each of them will accept that bent perspective as valid for himself, but neither will tolerate it when applied to his brother. It's a problem, not a life-wrecking one, but not good for them. They've gotten better at mimicking modern mores, but I think that's all surface polish. Look deeper, and Bucky still thinks of himself as a cripple and Steve still thinks of himself as a half-dead runt. That kind of deep body image is difficult to fix.
>> I wonder what they will use as an anchor for Bucky. I wonder if music from the 30's or 40's would help, or make things worse. <<
Both, depending on his mood and the tune. Same with Steve. Sometimes the familiar motifs help stabilize them, other times it just hurts. Sometimes the future is awesome (year-round oranges! microwave ovens!) but often it's overwhelming. So they both have to move back and forth in attempt to stay comfortable enough to handle everyday life in a situation that neither is really equipped for.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-11-30 05:35 pm (UTC)I like this so much. Heh: I have something close to this. I like being able to provide people with useful information. I call it being an infonexus.
«"Yeah," Bucky said. "Not your fault HYDRA already fucked me up."
"You are not fucked up, you just need more careful handling than you've gotten before," said Bruce.»
So right, and so well handled.
(no subject)
Date: 2026-03-04 01:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-05 05:10 am (UTC)Well ...
Date: 2019-02-05 05:21 am (UTC)Ethan has a devil of a time convincing Turq to keep his eyes open -- even pointed at the ceiling -- and not dissociate. Because no matter how bad the present is, the past is a hell of a lot worse. The moment Turq pulls away from the present, he falls into the past. It's a mess. The instinct to withdraw from unpleasant things is just too strong for most people to override, at least without a lot of practice.
With Bucky, he also has a tendency to ignore things that would normally be painful or distressing. So that's another complication.
Re: Well ...
Date: 2019-02-06 03:32 am (UTC)Re: Well ...
Date: 2019-02-06 03:59 am (UTC)