Poem: "Grow into a Scary Place"
Oct. 8th, 2017 11:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem came out of the October 3, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from heartsinger. It also fills the "forced body modification" square in my 6-16-17 card for the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hc_bingo fest and the "creepy" square in my 10-1-17 card for the Fall Festival bingo. This poem has been sponsored by janetmiles. It belongs to the series Polychrome Heroics.
Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to the read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes extreme stress, innate and unwelcome body changes, reference to a past metabolic disorder, dysphoria, frustration, ineffective therapy, seeking a new therapist, talking about feelings, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Grow into a Scary Place"
Marge Kover is flickering.
She has been flickering
for three years now, and
it shows no sign of stopping.
If she could go back
and change everything,
she would; she'd rather keep
the severe metabolic disorder
that sent her into the treatment
which left her with superpowers.
But she hasn't manifested time travel,
so she's stuck with the results.
Dysphoria isn't supposed to change.
At least, not like this anyway.
Not one month cat ears,
the next prehensile tail,
the next sex characteristics,
the next telekinesis,
the next height.
The sheer stress of
waking up in a body that
is not always the same
isn't meant to exist.
But it does.
It's like a bad outfit that
she can't take off because
the zipper is jammed.
It's a pebble in her shoe
and a thorn in her side.
Some days she can ignore it.
Other days, she wakes up and
it's just there, right in her face
and she can't get away from it.
It's trying to shove horns into a hat
or her tail down the leg of her pants,
and all the parts that don't fit make her
want to scream and puke and disappear.
It's trying to study when everything
around her is jittering and jiggling
like the butterflies in her stomach,
or when the lights flicker on and off
in time with her electrical influence.
She can't get a handle on any of her "gifts"
because they never stick around long enough
for her to practice and learn what works.
Sometimes, one of them repeats and
she can make a little progress,
but not often, not enough.
Marge never knows when her body
is going to grow into a scary place,
never feels like it belongs to her.
It's creepy and it's awful.
She hates it and she fears it,
because it's not the body she wants,
but she can't ever escape from it.
Maybe she'll outgrow it, someday,
but then again maybe she won't.
Maybe someone will love her
despite her aberrations,
but maybe they won't.
Maybe it doesn't make
sense why she feels this way,
but she stills feels it,
and it hurts.
When Marge starts
feeling like her life is
something to be endured,
she decides that it's time
to get some real help.
The therapist that her parents
picked out is nice but knows
nothing about superpowers,
and the school counselor
is worse than useless.
So Marge goes to the library
and does her own research.
She's good at that, because
she's used to living in her head.
Eventually she finds Soup to Nuts
and talks her parents into setting up
a therapy session with Dr. G.
He's the first person who really
seems to understand how she feels,
and he gives her a name for it.
Transmorphic dysphoria.
It happens to shapeshifters
who can't control their changes
and feel like their body doesn't fit or
doesn't really belong to them anymore,
as well as to people who change once
but then hate what they're stuck with.
He also assures her that a year is
only the average timespan for flickering.
It can be shorter or longer than that.
Maybe she'll still grow out of this.
Maybe she'll stay this way forever.
Either way, though, now Marge
has a name for what she feels, so
she can talk about it, and that
makes it a little less scary.
* * *
Notes:
Marge Kover -- Originally she had fair skin, brown eyes, and long dark hair. Now everything is subject to change without notice. She hates feeling like she has no control over her body and it doesn't fit right, so she escapes into her head as much as she can. This has made her an excellent student and a serious bookworm. She is sixteen, between her sophomore and junior years of high school.
Origin: As a teen, she got treatment for a serious metabolic disorder, aimed at changing her body from large and unweildy to something smaller and safer. She lost a great deal of weight, but then started flickering -- and it hasn't ever stopped, even though that was three years ago.
Uniform: She only wears loose, stretchy clothes just in case she flickers into a totally different shape. She prefers dark colors to minimize attracting attention.
Qualities: Expert (+4) High School Student, Good (+2) Bookworm, Good (+2) Sympathetic
Poor (-2) Transmorphic Dysphoria
Transmorphic Dysphoria is a condition that can afflict shapeshifters who feel like their body doesn't fit or doesn't belong to them because it keeps changing, or people who shift from one form to another and get stuck with something that makes them unhappy.
Powers: Poor (-2) Extended Flickering
Motivation: Make it stooooop.
* * *
"If you’ve never had body dysphoria, let me explain a little bit about how it makes me feel and why I have it. Body dysphoria feels like the worst-fitting outfit you’ve ever put together, but you can never take it off. Or sometimes it’s more like a pebble in your shoe, or a belt that digs into your side, or a tiny thing that is just noticeable enough to throw your day off. Some days I wake up and it’s just there. Some days it’s because I tried to fit my not-so-masculine body into my masculine clothes, and the parts that didn’t fit made me want to scream and disappear and puke up all my guts at the same time. It can grow into a scary place where I don’t know if my body belongs to me, and I feel like I’ve been detached from something essential and am about to wash out to sea. Maybe a picture makes me hate and fear the body I don’t have because it’s not the body I wish I had. Maybe I think that the someone I desire won’t desire me because I don’t look like all the handsome cisgendered men they probably grew up loving. Maybe it doesn’t make sense why I feel these things, but I still feel them and they still hurt, darn it."
-- Kate
Flickering is one form of superpower development, most often seen in young people, involving manifestations that appear and then disappear quickly. Different episodes may display the same ability consistently, related abilities within a field, or wildly diverse ones. None of this means that the person will "keep" any particular ability, although the more often one appears, the more likely it will become permanent. The intermittent pattern makes it difficult to identify and control any ability. Usually one or more abilities will stretch out for longer periods of time until the final manifestation becomes clear.
Dysphoria is a feeling that something is desperately out of place. There are various ways to treat it, chiefly divided between trying to changing your emotions or trying to change the thing that bothers you. Suggestions for coping with it generally relate to gender dysphoria or body dysmorphic disorder, but there are other kinds. In Terramagne, superpowers can cause transmorphic dysphoria due to innate or imposed changes. Read about how to support someone with dysphoria.
Help-seeking behavior spans a range of actions intended to obtain assistance with a problem. A variety of barriers may stand in the way, more so in local-America than Terramagne-America. Almost everything online about therapy for teens relates to coping with teens who don't want therapy. This is because L-American therapy is erratic in accessibility, quality, and safety. Meanwhile over in Terramagne, Marge knows other teens who have found it useful after a death in the family or other upset. So she's open to the idea, can discern between useful and useless offerings, and when the available therapy isn't good enough, she goes looking for something better. Here is a flow chart about recognizing problems and seeking help. There are ways that caregivers can lower barriers and encourage help-seeking behavior. Basically make sure that you are competent, people know what you offer, your services are accessible and affordable, they don't come with significant risks or other negative consequences, and you can demonstrate their effectiveness.
Talking about feelings is an essential life skill which offers many benefits. This is especially crucial in therapy. You can learn how to identify and express your emotions.
heartsinger. It also fills the "forced body modification" square in my 6-16-17 card for the hc_bingo fest and the "creepy" square in my 10-1-17 card for the Fall Festival bingo. This poem has been sponsored by janetmiles. It belongs to the series Polychrome Heroics.Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to the read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes extreme stress, innate and unwelcome body changes, reference to a past metabolic disorder, dysphoria, frustration, ineffective therapy, seeking a new therapist, talking about feelings, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Grow into a Scary Place"
Marge Kover is flickering.
She has been flickering
for three years now, and
it shows no sign of stopping.
If she could go back
and change everything,
she would; she'd rather keep
the severe metabolic disorder
that sent her into the treatment
which left her with superpowers.
But she hasn't manifested time travel,
so she's stuck with the results.
Dysphoria isn't supposed to change.
At least, not like this anyway.
Not one month cat ears,
the next prehensile tail,
the next sex characteristics,
the next telekinesis,
the next height.
The sheer stress of
waking up in a body that
is not always the same
isn't meant to exist.
But it does.
It's like a bad outfit that
she can't take off because
the zipper is jammed.
It's a pebble in her shoe
and a thorn in her side.
Some days she can ignore it.
Other days, she wakes up and
it's just there, right in her face
and she can't get away from it.
It's trying to shove horns into a hat
or her tail down the leg of her pants,
and all the parts that don't fit make her
want to scream and puke and disappear.
It's trying to study when everything
around her is jittering and jiggling
like the butterflies in her stomach,
or when the lights flicker on and off
in time with her electrical influence.
She can't get a handle on any of her "gifts"
because they never stick around long enough
for her to practice and learn what works.
Sometimes, one of them repeats and
she can make a little progress,
but not often, not enough.
Marge never knows when her body
is going to grow into a scary place,
never feels like it belongs to her.
It's creepy and it's awful.
She hates it and she fears it,
because it's not the body she wants,
but she can't ever escape from it.
Maybe she'll outgrow it, someday,
but then again maybe she won't.
Maybe someone will love her
despite her aberrations,
but maybe they won't.
Maybe it doesn't make
sense why she feels this way,
but she stills feels it,
and it hurts.
When Marge starts
feeling like her life is
something to be endured,
she decides that it's time
to get some real help.
The therapist that her parents
picked out is nice but knows
nothing about superpowers,
and the school counselor
is worse than useless.
So Marge goes to the library
and does her own research.
She's good at that, because
she's used to living in her head.
Eventually she finds Soup to Nuts
and talks her parents into setting up
a therapy session with Dr. G.
He's the first person who really
seems to understand how she feels,
and he gives her a name for it.
Transmorphic dysphoria.
It happens to shapeshifters
who can't control their changes
and feel like their body doesn't fit or
doesn't really belong to them anymore,
as well as to people who change once
but then hate what they're stuck with.
He also assures her that a year is
only the average timespan for flickering.
It can be shorter or longer than that.
Maybe she'll still grow out of this.
Maybe she'll stay this way forever.
Either way, though, now Marge
has a name for what she feels, so
she can talk about it, and that
makes it a little less scary.
* * *
Notes:
Marge Kover -- Originally she had fair skin, brown eyes, and long dark hair. Now everything is subject to change without notice. She hates feeling like she has no control over her body and it doesn't fit right, so she escapes into her head as much as she can. This has made her an excellent student and a serious bookworm. She is sixteen, between her sophomore and junior years of high school.
Origin: As a teen, she got treatment for a serious metabolic disorder, aimed at changing her body from large and unweildy to something smaller and safer. She lost a great deal of weight, but then started flickering -- and it hasn't ever stopped, even though that was three years ago.
Uniform: She only wears loose, stretchy clothes just in case she flickers into a totally different shape. She prefers dark colors to minimize attracting attention.
Qualities: Expert (+4) High School Student, Good (+2) Bookworm, Good (+2) Sympathetic
Poor (-2) Transmorphic Dysphoria
Transmorphic Dysphoria is a condition that can afflict shapeshifters who feel like their body doesn't fit or doesn't belong to them because it keeps changing, or people who shift from one form to another and get stuck with something that makes them unhappy.
Powers: Poor (-2) Extended Flickering
Motivation: Make it stooooop.
* * *
"If you’ve never had body dysphoria, let me explain a little bit about how it makes me feel and why I have it. Body dysphoria feels like the worst-fitting outfit you’ve ever put together, but you can never take it off. Or sometimes it’s more like a pebble in your shoe, or a belt that digs into your side, or a tiny thing that is just noticeable enough to throw your day off. Some days I wake up and it’s just there. Some days it’s because I tried to fit my not-so-masculine body into my masculine clothes, and the parts that didn’t fit made me want to scream and disappear and puke up all my guts at the same time. It can grow into a scary place where I don’t know if my body belongs to me, and I feel like I’ve been detached from something essential and am about to wash out to sea. Maybe a picture makes me hate and fear the body I don’t have because it’s not the body I wish I had. Maybe I think that the someone I desire won’t desire me because I don’t look like all the handsome cisgendered men they probably grew up loving. Maybe it doesn’t make sense why I feel these things, but I still feel them and they still hurt, darn it."
-- Kate
Flickering is one form of superpower development, most often seen in young people, involving manifestations that appear and then disappear quickly. Different episodes may display the same ability consistently, related abilities within a field, or wildly diverse ones. None of this means that the person will "keep" any particular ability, although the more often one appears, the more likely it will become permanent. The intermittent pattern makes it difficult to identify and control any ability. Usually one or more abilities will stretch out for longer periods of time until the final manifestation becomes clear.
Dysphoria is a feeling that something is desperately out of place. There are various ways to treat it, chiefly divided between trying to changing your emotions or trying to change the thing that bothers you. Suggestions for coping with it generally relate to gender dysphoria or body dysmorphic disorder, but there are other kinds. In Terramagne, superpowers can cause transmorphic dysphoria due to innate or imposed changes. Read about how to support someone with dysphoria.
Help-seeking behavior spans a range of actions intended to obtain assistance with a problem. A variety of barriers may stand in the way, more so in local-America than Terramagne-America. Almost everything online about therapy for teens relates to coping with teens who don't want therapy. This is because L-American therapy is erratic in accessibility, quality, and safety. Meanwhile over in Terramagne, Marge knows other teens who have found it useful after a death in the family or other upset. So she's open to the idea, can discern between useful and useless offerings, and when the available therapy isn't good enough, she goes looking for something better. Here is a flow chart about recognizing problems and seeking help. There are ways that caregivers can lower barriers and encourage help-seeking behavior. Basically make sure that you are competent, people know what you offer, your services are accessible and affordable, they don't come with significant risks or other negative consequences, and you can demonstrate their effectiveness.
Talking about feelings is an essential life skill which offers many benefits. This is especially crucial in therapy. You can learn how to identify and express your emotions.
Wow
Date: 2017-10-10 08:01 am (UTC)Re: Wow
Date: 2017-10-10 08:18 am (UTC)Yay! I do have a handful of donors who routinely sponsor stuff prompted by other people.
>> It's funny. The exact opposite circumstance from the one I described, but exactly the same problem: lack of control.<<
Yeah, it's the lack of control that really hurts.
link
Date: 2021-09-28 05:02 pm (UTC)