Poem: "Not a Destination, But a Process"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This poem is spillover from the March 5, 2024 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from fuzzyred and chanter1944. It also fills the "Day Job" square in my 3-1-24 card for the National Crafting Month Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. It follows "Conscious of the Injustice" so read that first or this won't make much sense.


"Not a Destination, But a Process"


Liberty could hardly
believe her luck.

She had just gotten
into Omaha when she
met someone who had
helped her get a day job.

Shiv was a little weird,
sure, but he was solid --
and he didn't try to grab
her anywhere rude, so
that was even better.

Liberty was starting off as
an all-purpose cleaning girl,
since she already knew how
to mop and wash dishes.

That'd earn minimum wage,
which was enough to afford
a decent apartment, if she
could get some fake ID.

Meanwhile, Liberty was
set to couchsurf with
one of the waitresses.

She wouldn't be stuck with
cleanup work forever, though,
not if she wanted to learn more.

Cook had offered to teach her
actual cooking skills -- not just
recipes, but things like how
to use a knife so the slices
came out all the same size.

Liberty had pounced on that,
because job skills were valuable.

Right now, Shiv was showing her
how to fold napkins for the tables.

He had a binder with pictures of
the finished folds and lists of steps.

"See, napkins are cheap, and it don't
cost anything to fold 'em fancy, but it
makes the place look nicer," Shiv said.
"So we got the easy ones for every day,
the fancy ones for stuff like weddings,
and then all of the holiday styles."

"Bunny ears," Liberty said,
tracing the shape on the page.

"Yeah, them's for Easter,"
Shiv said. "We got flowers
too, and watermelon for
Juneteenth, a turkey for
Thanksgiving, and so on."

Liberty had to admit that they
looked cute, even if she wasn't
sure that she could fold them.

Then Shiv's head popped up,
and Liberty heard footsteps.

Coming toward them was
was a mousy-looking white guy
dressed in a woman's sweater
embroidered with sunflowers
and poppies, daisies and yarrow.

It even had a bunch of pudgy bees,
their tiny wings done in some sort
of shimmery thread that made it
look like they could really fly.

It was the silliest thing that
Liberty had ever seen, but
she wanted to touch it anyway.

Shiv bounded over and rubbed
himself along it like a big ol' cat.
"Hey, Dr. G," he said, grinning.

"Hello, Shiv," said Dr. G.
"Boss White thought that
someone here could use
a sympathetic ear."

"Ah yeah, Liberty's had
a bit of a hard time just
getting here," Shiv said.
"You want some space?"

"That would be nice, if
Liberty feels comfortable
with me," said Dr. G.

"It's a public place,"
Liberty said, shrugging.
"Sit down if you'd like."

"Thank you for the invitation,"
Dr. G said, and sat down at
the booth where they'd been
practicing the napkin folds.

"I'll go help Cook," Shiv said,
and skittered off to the kitchen.

"Boss White mentioned that
you've got your head in a bit
of a tangle," said Dr. G.

"Well, that's what he said,
and he's a telepath, so I guess
he should know," said Liberty.
"I don't feel any different, though."

"Do you ever feel like you want
to do one thing, but find yourself
doing another?" asked Dr. G.

"Yeah, sometimes," said Liberty.
"Doesn't it happen to everyone?"

"Possibly so," said Dr. G.
"What do you think about it?"

Liberty snorted. "That you're
another silly head-shrinker like
the guy at the community center."

"That's part of my job," said Dr. G.
"Can you think of anything that
you might like some help with?"

"Maybe fitting in here," she said,
tapping her fingers on the table.
"It's a mixed group, and I haven't
worked with white people a lot,
but I really need this job."

"Diversity skills," said Dr. G.
"Useful to know, applicable in
any career, and you couldn't have
picked a better place to learn them."

He popped open his briefcase
and passed her a few pages.

"These are some activities that
can help you stretch yourself and
learn more about other people,"
said Dr. G. "Start with fun ones,
and it will be easier to grow."

Liberty looked at the list.
Visit an art show from
another culture. Listen to
music in a foreign language.
Eat at an ethnic restaurant.
Read a book set far away.

"Really? This counts?"
she said. "It's not much."

"It's a start," said Dr. G.
"Don't overwhelm yourself."

"It's just ..." Liberty picked at
the corner of a page. "Boss White
made it sound like I'm kind of a mess."

"He saw some things inside you that
worried him," said Dr. G. "Ideally,
we'd like for a mindhealer to take
a look. Trouble is, neither of us
know one suited to this case. So,
I'm starting with simpler methods
that I already have in hand."

"And that'll work?" said Liberty.

"Whether it does or not, it will
tell us something useful about
the inside of your head," said Dr. G.

He pulled out a few more pages
and offered them to Liberty.

"These can help you think about
your beliefs and values," he said.
"You might find places where you
want something, but feel as if
you're getting pulled up short."

Liberty wrinkled her nose. "It
looks like homework," she said.

"It can be," said Dr. G. "Maybe
something more visual would appeal?"

Next he pulled out a colorful page
that made her more curious,
and text that explained it.

"A pie chart?" Liberty said,
leaning over to look at it.

She realized that the labels
were all about different parts of
her life and how they worked.

"Oh!" She tapped one of
the wedges. "I got a job!"

"Congratulations," said Dr. G.
"How do you feel about that?"

"Really great," said Liberty.
"I'm so proud of myself. I wasn't
sure I could get a decent job,
but I did. Cook even offered
to teach me some kitchen skills!"

"That's quite an accomplishment,"
said Dr. G. "That sounds like
your career section is doing
well. If you wish, you can think
about other parts of your life
and how well they stand up,
or what you'd like to improve."

Liberty looked at the pie chart
again. Family was a mess but
she didn't want to poke at it.
Romance didn't interest her.

Fun, well, she had a bunch
of new things to try out now.
Finances should be good
since she just got a job, and
social, sure, she had met
people who didn't suck.

"Yeah, I can work with this,"
she said. "You really think
this will get me to okay?

"Mental health is
not a destination, but
a process," said Dr. G.
"It’s about how you drive,
not where you’re going."

"I can't drive either,"
Liberty pointed out.

Dr. G chuckled. "That's
all right, it's another thing
you can learn if you like."

"Maybe I should start with
a bus pass," said Liberty.
"That's a lot easier to earn."

"An excellent goal," said Dr. G.
"That covers your transportation.
You have a job and income already.
Perhaps a fun goal and a practical one?"

"Cook's going to teach me knife skills,"
Liberty reminded him. She looked at
the pages again. "I could try eating
at an ethnic restaurant. It's gotta
be good to know the competition."

Dr. G made some notes on a page
of his own. "That's a plan," he said.
"I'll drop by here in a week or so, and
you can tell me about your adventures."

"Okay," said Liberty. "I think I'd like it.
I don't know many folks here yet."

"Then it's a deal," Dr. G said,
and so they shook on it.

* * *

Notes:

This poem is long, so its notes appear elsewhere.

Comments

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

That does match Graham's taste in sweaters.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

It's also useful if you need to distract someone who is freaking out, and that includes yourself:
- jewelry or cloth with natural variation
- fabric with soothing texture (soft, stretchy, fuzzy, plushy)
- little sparklies
- things that move a little bit, or appear to.
- Bracelets are good for fiddling with or handing to other people.)
- For an auditiory component, an angel bell might be good (but that might not be Graham's style.)

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

He really seems to focus on soft, fuzzy, colorful, and the kind of whimsical pattern that makes him look harmless.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

I also observe that his fashion sense is unusual/unexpected enough that people get distracted for a few seconds upon seeing it the first time. And /that/ gives him an opening to interact with someone who might otherwise skip to being angry, panicky, etc...

You can see in the poem, Liberty is distracted right up until Shiv does his affectionate greeting which marks Dr G as a friendly, so she doesnt have time to get mad about the white stranger man in her new workspace.

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I also observe that his fashion sense is unusual/unexpected enough that people get distracted for a few seconds upon seeing it the first time. And /that/ gives him an opening to interact with someone who might otherwise skip to being angry, panicky, etc... <<

Exactly. It bumps people off their habitual track a bit.

>> You can see in the poem, Liberty is distracted right up until Shiv does his affectionate greeting which marks Dr G as a friendly, <<

So cute. <3

>> so she doesnt have time to get mad about the white stranger man in her new workspace.<<

If you actually pay attention, Graham doesn't really act white in terms of body language. He doesn't have Shiv's specifically black imprint, because that kid is a chocolate pie if ever was, but still very little like whitebread American. The Fins are a cultural hodgepodge laid over an Irish base.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

>>If you actually pay attention, Graham doesn't really act white in terms of body language.<<

He still has a white-seeming meatsuit, and it isn't impossible that Liberty might have been jumpy about that.

What is whitefolk body language anyway?

>>He doesn't have Shiv's specifically black imprint, because that kid is a chocolate pie if ever was, but still very little like whitebread American. The Fins are a cultural hodgepodge laid over an Irish base.

...now I'm wondering if I have standard whitefolk body language.

I seem to be more prosocial and less, hnn, individually aggressive than the standard? Though my gender might skew that a bit. I definitely give of 'quiet' and 'nonthreatening' a lot.

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> He still has a white-seeming meatsuit, and it isn't impossible that Liberty might have been jumpy about that.<<

That's what I would expect. If you look at his skin color alone, it's plausible. But black threat assessment of white people needs to be much more comprehensive than that. White people with aggressive body language are much more hazardous than those with nonthreatening body language.

>> What is whitefolk body language anyway? <<

Part is dominance, as described above. Part is just the mishmash of signals that make up the expression of a given culture, like how Italians wave their hands a lot.

One example in particular: when I'm in a store run by and for black people, I keep an eye on other customers. If one approaches me as they work their way along an aisle, I back off and shop a different section. It's their store, so I consider them to be priority shoppers. This gets double-takes because white people just don't do that.

Another is that, in an African restaurant, if there is fufu available I use it as silverware. I learned this custom in a Nigerian restaurant because I found goat on the menu and squealed and ordered it. The waiter showed us how to pinch off bits of fufu and use that to pick up bites of other food. I'm guessing he figured that light-skinned people who ordered goat would be interested in African table manners. Conversely in an Asian restaurant I prefer chopsticks, and I've gotten double-takes when I switch hands. Most white people don't pick up cultural customs from others.

The Finns are syncretic like that, and after decades of doing so, their aggregate imprint is very different from conventional white American.

>> ...now I'm wondering if I have standard whitefolk body language.<<

My money is on not, because you've mentioned hanging out with diverse people, and you don't assume yours is the One True Way. It leads to picking up little bits of courtesy. So for instance, I would bet that if you see a pile of shoes beside someone's front door, you will kick off your shoes there. Most white people wouldn't even notice.

>> I seem to be more prosocial and less, hnn, individually aggressive than the standard? Though my gender might skew that a bit. I definitely give of 'quiet' and 'nonthreatening' a lot. <<

A woman doing that may get a second look; a man doing it, as with Dr. G, is conspicuous. But I would bet you notice things like if someone's culture doesn't allow male/female touching among nonrelatives, and that does stick out for women.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

>>But black threat assessment of white people needs to be much more comprehensive than that. White people with aggressive body language are much more hazardous than those with nonthreatening body language.<<

Which translates fairly unchanged to gender-binary and aggressive men (and a whole bunch of other examples too.)

>>...like how Italians wave their hands a lot.<<

I might do this one a bit. But I've also picked up mapping stuff with my hands from sign languages.

>>Another is that, in an African restaurant, if there is fufu available I use it as silverware. <<

Fufu is that bread or grain something used to pick up the food, right? I think I saw a TV show where they were eating it once...I've done this with bread (naan maybe?) and Middle Eastern cuisine.

>>I'm guessing he figured that light-skinned people who ordered goat would be interested in African table manners.<<

I learned from people doing the whole Hospitality Ritual. Which is very confusing for an American, the first time someone tries it on you. If neither participant has dealt with that culture clash before, it just kind of...loops? And you both get more stressed/confused.

>>Conversely in an Asian restaurant I prefer chopsticks, and I've gotten double-takes when I switch hands.<<

I taught myself to use chopsticks because I wanted to...so while I have the technical skill I might be missing some of the etiquette.

>>My money is on not, because you've mentioned hanging out with diverse people, and you don't assume yours is the One True Way. It leads to picking up little bits of courtesy.<<

I've had 'pick up novel good/useful things' as part of my thought process since at least high school, and I know I have some etiquette and safety downloads for a few groups I am not a member of. Most of it is stuff I’ve picked up because of social relationships, but sometimes I’ll get things ‘just in case’ or because I was curious.

>>So for instance, I would bet that if you see a pile of shoes beside someone's front door, you will kick off your shoes there. Most white people wouldn't even notice.<<

Actually, the last time I ran into this I asked what they wanted me to do...and also suggested they might want to store their shoes someplace they wouldn't become spiritually unclean*. They took my suggestion!
*According to their culture/religion, which I have a higher-than-average familiarity for an outsider.

>>A woman doing that may get a second look;...<<

Also consider who is looking and what the context is. My communal-prosociality will stand out positively to people who trend more communal than L-America average (but average jerks might think I’m a pushover). My lack of dominance-posturing will stand out (for example) to people observing how I interact with kids, and also to the kids themselves, but would be less noticeable to most mainstream adults (especially if they’re older than me).

Men are expected to be dominant always, women are expected to be dominant selectively, and in either case a break to the pattern is noticeable. I guess there’s just more time for men to break the pattern.

>>... a man doing it, as with Dr. G, is conspicuous.<<

I observe that I tend to notice subculture-compatible traits in people I meet. So if I ran into, say, Drew Finn at a party I’d notice his general personality and his behavior to be highly familiar and relevant.

>>But I would bet you notice things like if someone's culture doesn't allow male/female touching among nonrelatives, and that does stick out for women.<<

Well, if I don't want men to grab me, I shouldn't grab them either, just as a general rule.

Alternately "don't hug/touch anybody from a different culture without asking first" is a useful starting rule. And there's also the cross-cultural etiquette of defaulting to the comfort level of the most reserved person in the group.

I do have 'don't hug unrelated men' as a permanent rule for one culture, and its generally a safe default for cross-cultural stuff. I don't know if I'd intuit it quickly from an entirely new culture, but I know if I am dealing with a different culture proxemics issues are a potential problem (and cause of seemingly odd behavior). And if you run into a new situation or aren't sure, you can politely ask.

Also, even in cross-cultural situations where I know someone well, I will still try to confirm that new things (not just touch) are okay. Rules for anything in human cultures can be very highly contextual, and sometimes people just plain feel differently about stuff.

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Fufu is that bread or grain something used to pick up the food, right? I think I saw a TV show where they were eating it once...I've done this with bread (naan maybe?) and Middle Eastern cuisine.<<

Yes, it's kind of like edible playdough, usually made from cassava and/or yam.

>>I taught myself to use chopsticks because I wanted to...so while I have the technical skill I might be missing some of the etiquette.<<

Don't use them to point at people or objects. Don't put them down on the table; if there is no chopstick rest, lay them across your plate. Don't stick them upright in food, especially rice, as this tells the spirits that the food is for them. And that's most of what I know.

>>I've had 'pick up novel good/useful things' as part of my thought process since at least high school, and I know I have some etiquette and safety downloads for a few groups I am not a member of. Most of it is stuff I’ve picked up because of social relationships, but sometimes I’ll get things ‘just in case’ or because I was curious.<<

Always a worthwhile approach.

>> Actually, the last time I ran into this I asked what they wanted me to do...and also suggested they might want to store their shoes someplace they wouldn't become spiritually unclean*. They took my suggestion!
*According to their culture/religion, which I have a higher-than-average familiarity for an outsider.<<

You are so awesome.

Yeah, some people have a special mat or rack for storing shoes. In a mosque, they're not supposed to be on the floor so there is a cubbie rack or shelf.

>> Also consider who is looking and what the context is. <<

Yep. If I don't crowd black people in an African store, they give me these little sidelong glances like wondering what I am up to. But hell, it's their store, I'm just visiting.

>>I observe that I tend to notice subculture-compatible traits in people I meet. So if I ran into, say, Drew Finn at a party I’d notice his general personality and his behavior to be highly familiar and relevant.<<

Yeah, me too.

>>Alternately "don't hug/touch anybody from a different culture without asking first" is a useful starting rule. And there's also the cross-cultural etiquette of defaulting to the comfort level of the most reserved person in the group.<<

Well reasoned.

A much less obvious one mostly practiced by linguists: when talking with someone from another culture, park your toes and let them stand where they feel comfortable. Different cultures range from right on top of each other to more than an arm's length away.

>>Rules for anything in human cultures can be very highly contextual, and sometimes people just plain feel differently about stuff.<<

Also different things matter in different places, like water in a desert.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

>>A much less obvious one mostly practiced by linguists: when talking with someone from another culture, park your toes and let them stand where they feel comfortable. Different cultures range from right on top of each other to more than an arm's length away.<<

It's good to have different tools. That one is good for nonverbally testing what the other person's preference is - useful if you are unfamiliar with that culture, unable to speak with the other person, or if you are unsure if someone's personal space bubble has just changed.

In cases where I am in my own culture and familiar with the other [usually closer-up] culture, I could probably put up with the friendly-vs-too-close! dichotomy for awhile, but If I am seeing the person frequently, I will try to figure out how to communicate that I/Americans usually need more space somehow. (I have used mime mixed with one or two words to do this in the past.)

If I were in a closer-up culture, I'd probably put up with the incursions on my space most of the time (and schedule time to decompress), but again, if interacting with the same person regularly (as in, having an ongoing relationship), I might try to mention that occasionally need American-personal-space for a few minutes.

>>Also different things matter in different places, like water in a desert.<<

Different cultures value stuff differently, as do different people. And sometimes the rules fluctuate in ways that are not intuitive looking from the outside. Water may be valued differently in the wet and dry seasons, someone may be more or less willing to talk depending on company or time of day, etc

Re: Liberty

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>It's good to have different tools. That one is good for nonverbally testing what the other person's preference is - useful if you are unfamiliar with that culture, unable to speak with the other person, or if you are unsure if someone's personal space bubble has just changed.<<

True.

>>In cases where I am in my own culture and familiar with the other [usually closer-up] culture, I could probably put up with the friendly-vs-too-close! dichotomy for awhile, but If I am seeing the person frequently, I will try to figure out how to communicate that I/Americans usually need more space somehow. <<

That's logical.

>>Different cultures value stuff differently, as do different people. And sometimes the rules fluctuate in ways that are not intuitive looking from the outside. Water may be valued differently in the wet and dry seasons, someone may be more or less willing to talk depending on company or time of day, etc<<

Or just in context of someone's mood.

Re: Liberty

[see_also_friend]

That's it, there are so many rules, not all of them are obvious or even noticeable, they change frequently, and you don't know which ones are in play without experience.