How to Put the Bottom Rungs on Sexuality
Dec. 11th, 2020 04:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithI was talking about this with a friend, and figured that other folks might appreciate the resources. For reference, I do actually have college training as a gender scholar, although I've learned a lot more since then. Also, these are the VERY bottom rungs that often get left out, before going into any actual sexytimes, and then people wonder why things so often go awry. Put the bottom rungs on the ladder. Make sure you feel comfortable with bottom rungs before attempting higher rungs.
Self-compassion is a fundamental skill for loving yourself, treating yourself gently, and appreciating your body.
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
Meditation comes in many styles. Among the more useful for sexual pleasure goals are the body scan and lovingkindness. Meditation is tremendously powerful. It takes time, but it doesn't have to take a lot of time all at once. Meditating for 5 minutes a day will help significantly with many issues.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-meditation-2795927
https://buffer.com/resources/how-meditation-affects-your-brain/
https://www.headspace.com/meditation/techniques
http://coping.us/images/Meeting_1_Body_Scan.pdf
https://www.mindful.org/this-loving-kindness-meditation-is-a-radical-act-of-love/
Positive affirmations can be helpful in many goals. The key is you have to find something you believe or it won't work. This can take some digging.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201901/positive-affirmations-11-keys-affirmations-work
https://icebreakerideas.com/list-of-positive-affirmations/
https://www.lifehack.org/515761/the-power-positive-affirmations
The above is just one form of healthy self-talk, which is worth exploring further, because it helps you get through the hard parts. Use this to get rid of bad tape about your body, sex, feelings, etc.
https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-use-positive-self-talk-for-stress-relief-3144816
https://www.stressreliefcenter.com/relaxation-room/11-tips-for-healthy-self-talk/
https://nickwignall.com/cognitive-restructuring/
Body awareness is a necessary precursor for physical pleasure. It's about knowledge and perception. You have to pay attention to your body and be open to what it is feeling before you can figure out what it likes or dislikes and how to enjoy the good stuff. If you cannot find your body and connect with it, then attempting to stimulate it will have little or no effect. This can be challenging for survivors of neglect or abuse. So start with the simplest part, awareness, before trying to do anything with it.
https://positivepsychology.com/body-mind-integration-attention-training/
Body image is closely related to body awareness, dealing with how you see your body and how you feel about it. Here the first step is finding just one thing that you like about your body.
https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/infosheet/body-image-self-esteem-and-mental-health
https://www.thedailymeal.com/healthy-eating/appreciate-your-body-right-now-gallery
https://corinnedobbas.com/25-things-i-do-to-love-my-body-and-how-you-can-too/
Body positivity is about appreciating diversity of form and function, living with the body you have, and resiting the temptation to body-shame your own or other bodies. It's a principle, not just a feeling.
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/related/importance-of-body-positivity/
https://positivepsychology.com/positive-body-image/
https://www.girlboss.com/read/how-to-be-more-body-positive
Feeling safe is important before you try to do things that are more challenging. Take time to create a secure foundation first.
https://fosteringperspectives.org/fpv17n2/psychological-safety.html
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/06/coping-with-change-feeling-safe-as-a-trauma-survivor/
https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9792622.html
When you feel ready to start thinking about what you like or dislike, how you want to talk about your body, where your boundaries are, etc. then this page has some useful worksheets. The first one deals with how you feel about what you're into and whether it's safe, which includes thinking about why you might feel ashamed of it and how to work through that.
https://web.archive.org/web/20160621222923/https://compassionaterevolt.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/mhm-15-greetings-from-austin/
You can also explore sex and sex positivity before trying to apply any of that to yourself. Same with romance, sensual-platonic activities, and so on. There are jillions of things people like to do with their bodies and their minds for pleasurable stimulation. You can probably find some you'd love, even if your past experiences were unfulfilling or worse.
Those are bottom rungs you can reach and feel while standing on the ground. It is best to get familiar with things like this before attempting to climb on them and reach higher.
As a general rule, stretch your limits slowly and gently. Find the edge of your comfort zone, take one step farther, and then step back. You don't want to rupture anything, it's hard to fix.
Self-compassion is a fundamental skill for loving yourself, treating yourself gently, and appreciating your body.
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
Meditation comes in many styles. Among the more useful for sexual pleasure goals are the body scan and lovingkindness. Meditation is tremendously powerful. It takes time, but it doesn't have to take a lot of time all at once. Meditating for 5 minutes a day will help significantly with many issues.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-meditation-2795927
https://buffer.com/resources/how-meditation-affects-your-brain/
https://www.headspace.com/meditation/techniques
http://coping.us/images/Meeting_1_Body_Scan.pdf
https://www.mindful.org/this-loving-kindness-meditation-is-a-radical-act-of-love/
Positive affirmations can be helpful in many goals. The key is you have to find something you believe or it won't work. This can take some digging.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201901/positive-affirmations-11-keys-affirmations-work
https://icebreakerideas.com/list-of-positive-affirmations/
https://www.lifehack.org/515761/the-power-positive-affirmations
The above is just one form of healthy self-talk, which is worth exploring further, because it helps you get through the hard parts. Use this to get rid of bad tape about your body, sex, feelings, etc.
https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-use-positive-self-talk-for-stress-relief-3144816
https://www.stressreliefcenter.com/relaxation-room/11-tips-for-healthy-self-talk/
https://nickwignall.com/cognitive-restructuring/
Body awareness is a necessary precursor for physical pleasure. It's about knowledge and perception. You have to pay attention to your body and be open to what it is feeling before you can figure out what it likes or dislikes and how to enjoy the good stuff. If you cannot find your body and connect with it, then attempting to stimulate it will have little or no effect. This can be challenging for survivors of neglect or abuse. So start with the simplest part, awareness, before trying to do anything with it.
https://positivepsychology.com/body-mind-integration-attention-training/
Body image is closely related to body awareness, dealing with how you see your body and how you feel about it. Here the first step is finding just one thing that you like about your body.
https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/infosheet/body-image-self-esteem-and-mental-health
https://www.thedailymeal.com/healthy-eating/appreciate-your-body-right-now-gallery
https://corinnedobbas.com/25-things-i-do-to-love-my-body-and-how-you-can-too/
Body positivity is about appreciating diversity of form and function, living with the body you have, and resiting the temptation to body-shame your own or other bodies. It's a principle, not just a feeling.
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/related/importance-of-body-positivity/
https://positivepsychology.com/positive-body-image/
https://www.girlboss.com/read/how-to-be-more-body-positive
Feeling safe is important before you try to do things that are more challenging. Take time to create a secure foundation first.
https://fosteringperspectives.org/fpv17n2/psychological-safety.html
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/06/coping-with-change-feeling-safe-as-a-trauma-survivor/
https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9792622.html
When you feel ready to start thinking about what you like or dislike, how you want to talk about your body, where your boundaries are, etc. then this page has some useful worksheets. The first one deals with how you feel about what you're into and whether it's safe, which includes thinking about why you might feel ashamed of it and how to work through that.
https://web.archive.org/web/20160621222923/https://compassionaterevolt.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/mhm-15-greetings-from-austin/
You can also explore sex and sex positivity before trying to apply any of that to yourself. Same with romance, sensual-platonic activities, and so on. There are jillions of things people like to do with their bodies and their minds for pleasurable stimulation. You can probably find some you'd love, even if your past experiences were unfulfilling or worse.
Those are bottom rungs you can reach and feel while standing on the ground. It is best to get familiar with things like this before attempting to climb on them and reach higher.
As a general rule, stretch your limits slowly and gently. Find the edge of your comfort zone, take one step farther, and then step back. You don't want to rupture anything, it's hard to fix.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-11 02:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-11 03:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-11 04:53 pm (UTC)Growing up the only examples of "kinky" or "gay" people were pretty much all bad guys and the impression you'd get was that either meant you were a potential serial killer or something.
And I've commented before that having Myra Breckenridge as the *only* commonly known example of someone who was trans had.
Your aren't going to explore your interests if you think they mean you are sick. Or at best, you'll do so furtively and be ashamed of yourself.
Oh yeah Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex (but were afraid to ask) didn't do sexual minorities any favors either.
gender
Date: 2020-12-13 01:05 am (UTC)one interesting thing about this list is that it essentially requires that you do your gender work first because step one is to be reasonably comfortable in your body
Re: gender
Date: 2020-12-13 02:19 am (UTC)In any case, thinking ahead and making an effort to map out possibilities and preferences is likely to produce better results than fumbling blindly as most people do.