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ysabetwordsmithThese are the notes for "Beyond Any Other Emotional Pain."
"The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."
-- Heather Brewer
Intentional neighboring helps people think of themselves and others as capable, by emphasizing an exchange of favors rather than forcing people with special needs to take charity. This is much healthier for elders, people with disabilities, and other vulnerable residents.
(These links are intense.)
Safety depends on knowing how to identify a dangerous person who is concealing weapons. Watch for the signs of hidden weapons.
(So are these.)
The most common advice is don't resist a crime, do whatever the criminal demands. To do this is to acknowledge the criminal as dominant without a fight, and to place your safety in the hands of someone who already plans to hurt you. This is stupid, ineffective, and ruinous to civilization. It is vital to analyze the situation and formulate an appropriate response. Most importantly, never follow an attacker to another location: this drastically raises your chance of dying. Resistance reduces the rates of completed robbery, rape, and other crime; and violent resistance is the most effective of all. Most crooks are looking for easy meat. This means that Shiv's preference for saying no at knifepoint is statistically valid as a successful way to avoid further victimization. Conversely, nonforceful methods like pleading or crying do not reduce completion of crimes and may even increase the chance of completion. These submissive behaviors assure the attacker that he has correctly selected a victim who will do whatever he wants. Fighting back works the vast majority of the time, and rarely if ever increases injury. Even if not successful in stopping the crime, resistance lowers the trauma; traumatic stress is primarily caused by feeling helpless, and people who don't feel helpless are better able to cope with the experience.
Wrongful death applies in situations where someone's action or inaction had lethal results that should not have happened, such as a dispatcher not sending medical aid promptly. In local-America, state laws vary regarding who can sue for wrongful death, often limited to immediate family. Terramagne-America tends to allow wider options, but in such cases the person or organization bringing the suit may not always be a potential beneficiary of the settlement. So for instance, the dispatch center or hospital might be able to sue the dispatcher for causing a preventable death, but they would only be able to recoup losses directly attributable to that incident (e.g. the cost of the cause-of-death investigation) and most damages would go into a victim restitution fund.
(These links are harsh.)
Moral injury occurs when someone transgresses their own and/or society's expectations of decent behavior. Although often mentioned in regard to military service, it can happen in a wide range of areas. Sometimes spiritual communities can help with moral repair. Read about the clinical indications and mental treatment. There are actually two paths for recovery from moral injury: adjust your moral framework (if you have gained greater understanding that enlightens useful changes) or adjust your behavior (if you fell short of parameters you wish to keep). Shiv faces a serious challenge to his moral and ethical standards. He has to decide whether he did the wrong thing, and should incorporate new perspectives as part of his own framework; or he did the right thing, and he prefers to keep his framework as it stands. This will help him answer the question of what he should do in future emergencies: how much force to use, and who if anyone to inform of the incident. I could not find instructions on self-care for healing moral injuries. However, the basics overlap strongly with advice for becoming a moral, ethical, or generally good person. It may help to develop a personal code of ethics, or if you already have one, revisit it and update if necessary.
While I found few resources addressing the damage of injuring or killing someone in self-defense, I did find this website on accidental death/injury. It suggests some ways of coping with responsibility and moral injury, and how to pursue post-traumatic growth. Although Shiv is not directly responsible for the deaths, he feels responsible because he incapacitated the attackers so they could not defend themselves from subsequent threats.
(Some of this stuff is tense and controversial.)
Anyone can go nonverbal under enough stress. This is because 1) too much stress or stimulation can overload the brain's ability to process things, and 2) the survival circuit predates the logical circuit and can cut off access to higher functions. Understand how to handle going nonverbal, and be aware of bad handling to avoid or counter. Especially remember that a nonverbal person has all the same rights as a verbal person. Here the Finns are doing their best to support and protect Shiv, including with nonverbal communication.
Disappointment in society can have severe impacts. Know how to deal with disappointment.
Keeping secrets is a complex issue. Disclosure has benefits, but also risks which explain why people keep secrets in the first place. Secrets and lies have their own advantages, but can be hazardous to health. Understand whether to tell, when to tell, and how to tell a secret. It's also important to know how to keep a secret. In this case, keeping the secret would've been bad within a tight-knit Family where things would be likely to pop out later, but would've worked better given the distance between Clan Finn and the Marionettes. The disclosure did more damage here, due to the difference in context.
(These links are distressing.)
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Trust building is an important part of growing up and forming relationships. Rebuilding trust is necessary for sustainable relationships, because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and you need ways of regaining trust in each other. It will take a lot of work to repair the relationship between Clan Finn and the Marionettes -- let alone between Shiv and society.
Personal boundaries come in different types. Ideally, people understand how to set and maintain boundaries which are flexible and semi-permeable. Child abuse damages boundaries, causing many problems that can linger into adulthood. Survivors often struggle with setting appropriate boundaries. Shiv's awareness and handling of his boundaries is erratic at best, because people have violated his so often that he barely knows where they should go. Right now he's having a hard time communicating his boundaries because he's so freaked out he can barely speak, which devolves into smacking people and kicking things. Here's a more detailed exploration of boundaries and psychology.
(These links are intense, sometimes graphic and controversial.)
Self-harm can happen for many reasons. Shiv does it because he likes sharp things, and pain, and bloodplay. It also has practical benefits in terms of grounding and pressure relief. Self-injury is one way to accomplish that, but it has drawbacks. It can also isolate people, especially if others around them react badly to discovery or disclosure of it. Conversely, some people self-injure in groups. Sharing with others who self-harm can offer support and make people feel less alone with their issues. The Hurt Yourself Less Workbook was designed by and for people who hurt themselves and want to reduce it.
(These links are graphic. No likie, no readie.)
Not everyone who cuts actually wants to stop, or considers it a problem. Plenty of people have a cutting fetish, which is not pathological unto itself. It's your body; you can do what you want with it, even if other people dislike that. Bloodplay is edgy stuff, but following proper precautions makes it reasonably safe. Here Shiv realizes that it's not a viable option right now because his hands are shaking. In particular, education is essential. Here is a detailed discussion of knife play and its variations, a reasonable parallel for Shiv's preferences.
(These links are intense.)
Killing someone tends to cause mental problems, as seen in soldiers, even if the death was in self-defense or otherwise justified. Veterans and gang members often have a hard time with conventional therapy, because their experiences are so far outside the everyday events. Unsurprisingly, veterans prefer to seek help from caregivers with military experience. Often mentoring or peer counseling work better than conventional therapy. In light of this, Dr. G feels unqualified to help Shiv with the moral injury of contributing to deaths, and instead suggests calling people who are better qualified, which works. I could not find much about working through this sort of problem, and honestly, it most often is handled like this from one veteran or gang member to another. I did find a discussion about the importance of forgiveness after killing.
"The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."
-- Heather Brewer
Intentional neighboring helps people think of themselves and others as capable, by emphasizing an exchange of favors rather than forcing people with special needs to take charity. This is much healthier for elders, people with disabilities, and other vulnerable residents.
(These links are intense.)
Safety depends on knowing how to identify a dangerous person who is concealing weapons. Watch for the signs of hidden weapons.
(So are these.)
The most common advice is don't resist a crime, do whatever the criminal demands. To do this is to acknowledge the criminal as dominant without a fight, and to place your safety in the hands of someone who already plans to hurt you. This is stupid, ineffective, and ruinous to civilization. It is vital to analyze the situation and formulate an appropriate response. Most importantly, never follow an attacker to another location: this drastically raises your chance of dying. Resistance reduces the rates of completed robbery, rape, and other crime; and violent resistance is the most effective of all. Most crooks are looking for easy meat. This means that Shiv's preference for saying no at knifepoint is statistically valid as a successful way to avoid further victimization. Conversely, nonforceful methods like pleading or crying do not reduce completion of crimes and may even increase the chance of completion. These submissive behaviors assure the attacker that he has correctly selected a victim who will do whatever he wants. Fighting back works the vast majority of the time, and rarely if ever increases injury. Even if not successful in stopping the crime, resistance lowers the trauma; traumatic stress is primarily caused by feeling helpless, and people who don't feel helpless are better able to cope with the experience.
Wrongful death applies in situations where someone's action or inaction had lethal results that should not have happened, such as a dispatcher not sending medical aid promptly. In local-America, state laws vary regarding who can sue for wrongful death, often limited to immediate family. Terramagne-America tends to allow wider options, but in such cases the person or organization bringing the suit may not always be a potential beneficiary of the settlement. So for instance, the dispatch center or hospital might be able to sue the dispatcher for causing a preventable death, but they would only be able to recoup losses directly attributable to that incident (e.g. the cost of the cause-of-death investigation) and most damages would go into a victim restitution fund.
(These links are harsh.)
Moral injury occurs when someone transgresses their own and/or society's expectations of decent behavior. Although often mentioned in regard to military service, it can happen in a wide range of areas. Sometimes spiritual communities can help with moral repair. Read about the clinical indications and mental treatment. There are actually two paths for recovery from moral injury: adjust your moral framework (if you have gained greater understanding that enlightens useful changes) or adjust your behavior (if you fell short of parameters you wish to keep). Shiv faces a serious challenge to his moral and ethical standards. He has to decide whether he did the wrong thing, and should incorporate new perspectives as part of his own framework; or he did the right thing, and he prefers to keep his framework as it stands. This will help him answer the question of what he should do in future emergencies: how much force to use, and who if anyone to inform of the incident. I could not find instructions on self-care for healing moral injuries. However, the basics overlap strongly with advice for becoming a moral, ethical, or generally good person. It may help to develop a personal code of ethics, or if you already have one, revisit it and update if necessary.
While I found few resources addressing the damage of injuring or killing someone in self-defense, I did find this website on accidental death/injury. It suggests some ways of coping with responsibility and moral injury, and how to pursue post-traumatic growth. Although Shiv is not directly responsible for the deaths, he feels responsible because he incapacitated the attackers so they could not defend themselves from subsequent threats.
(Some of this stuff is tense and controversial.)
Anyone can go nonverbal under enough stress. This is because 1) too much stress or stimulation can overload the brain's ability to process things, and 2) the survival circuit predates the logical circuit and can cut off access to higher functions. Understand how to handle going nonverbal, and be aware of bad handling to avoid or counter. Especially remember that a nonverbal person has all the same rights as a verbal person. Here the Finns are doing their best to support and protect Shiv, including with nonverbal communication.
Disappointment in society can have severe impacts. Know how to deal with disappointment.
Keeping secrets is a complex issue. Disclosure has benefits, but also risks which explain why people keep secrets in the first place. Secrets and lies have their own advantages, but can be hazardous to health. Understand whether to tell, when to tell, and how to tell a secret. It's also important to know how to keep a secret. In this case, keeping the secret would've been bad within a tight-knit Family where things would be likely to pop out later, but would've worked better given the distance between Clan Finn and the Marionettes. The disclosure did more damage here, due to the difference in context.
(These links are distressing.)
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Trust building is an important part of growing up and forming relationships. Rebuilding trust is necessary for sustainable relationships, because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and you need ways of regaining trust in each other. It will take a lot of work to repair the relationship between Clan Finn and the Marionettes -- let alone between Shiv and society.
Personal boundaries come in different types. Ideally, people understand how to set and maintain boundaries which are flexible and semi-permeable. Child abuse damages boundaries, causing many problems that can linger into adulthood. Survivors often struggle with setting appropriate boundaries. Shiv's awareness and handling of his boundaries is erratic at best, because people have violated his so often that he barely knows where they should go. Right now he's having a hard time communicating his boundaries because he's so freaked out he can barely speak, which devolves into smacking people and kicking things. Here's a more detailed exploration of boundaries and psychology.
(These links are intense, sometimes graphic and controversial.)
Self-harm can happen for many reasons. Shiv does it because he likes sharp things, and pain, and bloodplay. It also has practical benefits in terms of grounding and pressure relief. Self-injury is one way to accomplish that, but it has drawbacks. It can also isolate people, especially if others around them react badly to discovery or disclosure of it. Conversely, some people self-injure in groups. Sharing with others who self-harm can offer support and make people feel less alone with their issues. The Hurt Yourself Less Workbook was designed by and for people who hurt themselves and want to reduce it.
(These links are graphic. No likie, no readie.)
Not everyone who cuts actually wants to stop, or considers it a problem. Plenty of people have a cutting fetish, which is not pathological unto itself. It's your body; you can do what you want with it, even if other people dislike that. Bloodplay is edgy stuff, but following proper precautions makes it reasonably safe. Here Shiv realizes that it's not a viable option right now because his hands are shaking. In particular, education is essential. Here is a detailed discussion of knife play and its variations, a reasonable parallel for Shiv's preferences.
(These links are intense.)
Killing someone tends to cause mental problems, as seen in soldiers, even if the death was in self-defense or otherwise justified. Veterans and gang members often have a hard time with conventional therapy, because their experiences are so far outside the everyday events. Unsurprisingly, veterans prefer to seek help from caregivers with military experience. Often mentoring or peer counseling work better than conventional therapy. In light of this, Dr. G feels unqualified to help Shiv with the moral injury of contributing to deaths, and instead suggests calling people who are better qualified, which works. I could not find much about working through this sort of problem, and honestly, it most often is handled like this from one veteran or gang member to another. I did find a discussion about the importance of forgiveness after killing.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-28 05:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-28 12:20 pm (UTC)So I thought about it and I've been saying "Can't complain" instead.
Which often gets a laugh!
I have felt the way you do about small talk! I feel you!