A Bad Take on Going Nonverbal
Apr. 17th, 2019 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmith(Trigger warning for mishandling of disabilities and twisted assumptions.)
While looking for something else, I stumbled across this helpy article on people who go nonverbal sometimes. It's horribly intolerant, and reminds me of when Deaf people were abused for using sign language because hearing people demanded speech from them. It just pissed me off, so I decided to kick the skeletons out of the closet.
The underlying assumptions are heinous:
* Only verbal speech is acceptable as human. Nothing else works or is permissible.
* You don't have a right to choose the mode of communication that works for you.
* It doesn't matter how painful, terrifying, or exhausting speech may be for you. Other people can demand it of you whenever they want and you have no right to refuse no matter how horrible it is.
* Speech is a requirement for participating in society. If you can't speak, or prefer not to, you are unwelcome and unworthy.
* If you can't speak, or choose not to, you're broken and not a whole person. There is something wrong with you.
* Human rights are only for people who speak on demand.
* Other people have no obligation to communicate with you. They can ignore all your efforts.
* Other people's desires are more important than your needs. You have no social status. You're just there to make other people happy.
* All people who go nonverbal have the same feelings about it and must be forced into compliance because they don't have a right to their feelings or choices about whether and how to communicate.
* There is no exit plan for treatment other than speaking on demand. Everyone who can speak sometimes must be forced to speak on demand and has the potential to perform as required. If they haven't submitted to the demands, they're not done with treatment, instead of unable to perform.
And that is what leads directly to people with disabilities becoming anxious or depressed, because they are tormented; to isolating themselves, because nobody wants to be with abusive assholes; and to police murdering people who are unable to perform speech on demand because they are mute, Deaf, otherwise disabled, don't know English, injured, ill, or otherwise impaired. It's a load of heinous bullshit. It's EVIL. It's never going to get better if people don't call it out and say Fuck That Noise.
So, here's a better approach:
* Everyone goes nonverbal sometimes. Human brains exist in layers, and speech is in the outer sapient layer -- the inner primal layers are nonverbal. That means under enough stress, the speech centers shut down partially or totally as all resources get rerouted to survival. It's just that most people experience this very rarely, while a few people experience it much more often, and some people simply have less consistent connections within their brain. Those who experience it rarely should think about when they have, and realize the nonverbal person may be in that much stress on a frequent basis, so compassion is called for.
* Speech is useful, but communication is more important. Use whatever mode of communication works for you. It is okay if that means different modes at different times.
* There are many choices for nonverbal communication. These include sign language, writing, text messages or chat programs, speech synthesizers, communication boards, point cards, and more. All of these have been used by people with speech obstacles. Experts can assist people in finding a comfortable and effective communication mode. There is nothing wrong using these options.
* If it bothers you that sometimes you go nonverbal, and you want to extend your ability to speak, then by all means do so. You have a right to help and to be treated with respect in pursuit of a solution. Some people can get over going nonverbal, others can't. So take a baseline of your mental and physical health before you start treatment, track changes over time, and make an exit plan in case treatment makes you worse instead of better. You might need a different treatment or your condition could be unfixable. If you have a child who goes nonverbal, apply the same principle of making sure that treatment doesn't make things worse instead of better.
* Going nonverbal can be a huge pain in the ass, but it is one of those disabilities that is almost entirely social, not innate. It can be worked around if people are willing to quit pushing, back off, and accommodate alternative communication. When other people help instead of making it more of an obstacle, then it is much less disabling. Also, for the many folks whose mutism is triggered by stress, lowering the pressure tends to reduce the frequency and duration of flareups.
* Everyone deserves kindness and respect, regardless of whether they can speak or not. You are human and you have human rights.
* People who knowingly hurt you are doing something wrong. If that happens, try to find better people to be with. If harmful people say they love you or are helping you, they are either lying, mistaken, or inept.
* Real friends and family will help you, not hurt you. They will try to accommodate your needs and desires, in balance with their own, even if those change sometimes. Things may not always work out, but good people will do their best for you and pay attention to your communication.
* Share inclusive stories about people who speak rarely if at all, or go nonverbal at times, and are still accepted by their friends.dialecticdreamer has at least two of them, Mariset and Matthew. I have Novalie who is routinely nonverbal, and some other characters in An Army of One with very different speech patterns. Shiv occasionally goes nonverbal due to age regression or stress, and is fairly fluent with other nonverbal people. Want more? Ask us during any relevant prompt call. If you've seen Penn & Teller live or on television, you may have noticed that Teller customarily performs without speaking -- and is quite eloquent with his nonverbal communication. That's an artistic choice, and it works for him; we need to see examples like this.
* I have more resources about going nonverbal here.
To all my friends who sometimes go nonverbal: I'm sorry your mind/body bails on you sometimes. I still like you and want you to be around as much as you feel comfortable doing so. You don't have to communicate when you don't feel up to it, even online -- it's totally fine to lurk, or to copy-paste things you need to say often instead of typing them out. Take care of yourself. You matter.
While looking for something else, I stumbled across this helpy article on people who go nonverbal sometimes. It's horribly intolerant, and reminds me of when Deaf people were abused for using sign language because hearing people demanded speech from them. It just pissed me off, so I decided to kick the skeletons out of the closet.
The underlying assumptions are heinous:
* Only verbal speech is acceptable as human. Nothing else works or is permissible.
* You don't have a right to choose the mode of communication that works for you.
* It doesn't matter how painful, terrifying, or exhausting speech may be for you. Other people can demand it of you whenever they want and you have no right to refuse no matter how horrible it is.
* Speech is a requirement for participating in society. If you can't speak, or prefer not to, you are unwelcome and unworthy.
* If you can't speak, or choose not to, you're broken and not a whole person. There is something wrong with you.
* Human rights are only for people who speak on demand.
* Other people have no obligation to communicate with you. They can ignore all your efforts.
* Other people's desires are more important than your needs. You have no social status. You're just there to make other people happy.
* All people who go nonverbal have the same feelings about it and must be forced into compliance because they don't have a right to their feelings or choices about whether and how to communicate.
* There is no exit plan for treatment other than speaking on demand. Everyone who can speak sometimes must be forced to speak on demand and has the potential to perform as required. If they haven't submitted to the demands, they're not done with treatment, instead of unable to perform.
And that is what leads directly to people with disabilities becoming anxious or depressed, because they are tormented; to isolating themselves, because nobody wants to be with abusive assholes; and to police murdering people who are unable to perform speech on demand because they are mute, Deaf, otherwise disabled, don't know English, injured, ill, or otherwise impaired. It's a load of heinous bullshit. It's EVIL. It's never going to get better if people don't call it out and say Fuck That Noise.
So, here's a better approach:
* Everyone goes nonverbal sometimes. Human brains exist in layers, and speech is in the outer sapient layer -- the inner primal layers are nonverbal. That means under enough stress, the speech centers shut down partially or totally as all resources get rerouted to survival. It's just that most people experience this very rarely, while a few people experience it much more often, and some people simply have less consistent connections within their brain. Those who experience it rarely should think about when they have, and realize the nonverbal person may be in that much stress on a frequent basis, so compassion is called for.
* Speech is useful, but communication is more important. Use whatever mode of communication works for you. It is okay if that means different modes at different times.
* There are many choices for nonverbal communication. These include sign language, writing, text messages or chat programs, speech synthesizers, communication boards, point cards, and more. All of these have been used by people with speech obstacles. Experts can assist people in finding a comfortable and effective communication mode. There is nothing wrong using these options.
* If it bothers you that sometimes you go nonverbal, and you want to extend your ability to speak, then by all means do so. You have a right to help and to be treated with respect in pursuit of a solution. Some people can get over going nonverbal, others can't. So take a baseline of your mental and physical health before you start treatment, track changes over time, and make an exit plan in case treatment makes you worse instead of better. You might need a different treatment or your condition could be unfixable. If you have a child who goes nonverbal, apply the same principle of making sure that treatment doesn't make things worse instead of better.
* Going nonverbal can be a huge pain in the ass, but it is one of those disabilities that is almost entirely social, not innate. It can be worked around if people are willing to quit pushing, back off, and accommodate alternative communication. When other people help instead of making it more of an obstacle, then it is much less disabling. Also, for the many folks whose mutism is triggered by stress, lowering the pressure tends to reduce the frequency and duration of flareups.
* Everyone deserves kindness and respect, regardless of whether they can speak or not. You are human and you have human rights.
* People who knowingly hurt you are doing something wrong. If that happens, try to find better people to be with. If harmful people say they love you or are helping you, they are either lying, mistaken, or inept.
* Real friends and family will help you, not hurt you. They will try to accommodate your needs and desires, in balance with their own, even if those change sometimes. Things may not always work out, but good people will do their best for you and pay attention to your communication.
* Share inclusive stories about people who speak rarely if at all, or go nonverbal at times, and are still accepted by their friends.
dialecticdreamer has at least two of them, Mariset and Matthew. I have Novalie who is routinely nonverbal, and some other characters in An Army of One with very different speech patterns. Shiv occasionally goes nonverbal due to age regression or stress, and is fairly fluent with other nonverbal people. Want more? Ask us during any relevant prompt call. If you've seen Penn & Teller live or on television, you may have noticed that Teller customarily performs without speaking -- and is quite eloquent with his nonverbal communication. That's an artistic choice, and it works for him; we need to see examples like this.* I have more resources about going nonverbal here.
To all my friends who sometimes go nonverbal: I'm sorry your mind/body bails on you sometimes. I still like you and want you to be around as much as you feel comfortable doing so. You don't have to communicate when you don't feel up to it, even online -- it's totally fine to lurk, or to copy-paste things you need to say often instead of typing them out. Take care of yourself. You matter.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-17 07:09 pm (UTC)Yes ...
Date: 2019-04-17 07:17 pm (UTC)It's hard to write things properly when the "official" sources consist of crap like that. >_< I'm lucky to have such a diverse audience.
I figure if I point out what's wrong with these things, maybe more people will do better.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-17 07:20 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2019-04-18 12:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-17 11:22 pm (UTC)I sometimes go non-verbal because I just can't get the words to flow. When I am pushed to talk *right now* the words either don't come out right or they come out in the wrong order.
Because of how my family reacts sometimes, I retreat to my own space a lot because even though it is lonely as hell and feels dark at times, it's better than being judged or treated like I'm doing it for the attention or that I am faking my reactions.
This!!
Date: 2019-04-18 12:37 am (UTC)Re: This!!
Date: 2019-04-18 02:04 am (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2019-04-18 02:38 am (UTC)*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
>> I sometimes go non-verbal because I just can't get the words to flow.<<
That sucks.
>> When I am pushed to talk *right now* the words either don't come out right or they come out in the wrong order.<<
Yeah, pushing makes it worse. First, take the weight off. Wait to calm down. Then work on solutions.
It's a case where advance directives can help a lot, because then people don't need much if any communication from you.
>> Because of how my family reacts sometimes, I retreat to my own space a lot because even though it is lonely as hell and feels dark at times, it's better than being judged or treated like I'm doing it for the attention or that I am faking my reactions.<<
That sucks. However, you're right that withdrawing is preferable to being abused. If people make a problem worse, that is not helpful and they are not treating you right. Do your best to find people who will love you the way you are, respect your needs, and follow your guidelines when something goes wrong.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-18 12:53 am (UTC)I can access text communication before spoken, at my worst, and I have therefore silently verbally monologued to my friends when needing a translator.
That the phrasing makes nonverbal and mutism as synonymous, just mocks my extremely high vocabulary that I can't speak or pronounce properly under stress. I will never have a sole proprietorship or use fiery aloud, because that vowel combination with an r nearby is usually mispronounced by me. The stuttering was helped by the speech therapist, that vowel combo pronunciation isn't northeastern USA correct, and I still have difficulty with verb forms and agreement.
How genius am I to score 163 as IQ in 1984 and 7th grade with fairly even math and verbal abilities at the time?!? Autistic genius pretty much sums it up, I think.
Thoughts
Date: 2019-04-18 01:55 am (UTC)I wanted a word that was extremely negative without also being filthy, and that would alert people to the type of problem featured.
>> It's so ALL THE DEITIES angering for being so cheerful about torturing people.<<
Yeah. The problem I see with so much therapeutic abuse is that people do not understand that it is torture. That things which do not hurt them personally, such as speaking or making eye contact or remaining silent or being bored, can be agonizing or exhausting for someone else. It's a lived experience problem, and those are very hard to fix.
>>I believe YANKing Harley Quinn's hammer and smashing those types might be the only unspoken communication that those people might understand. <<
That's exactly how people go from whining and pulling away, to throwing things or running away, to biting and kicking, to berserk frenzy. Because those in power over them don't have to take no for an answer, and won't take no for an answer, and keep hurting them. Well, naturally when people are being abused they fight back to stop it. So if you see a person who is constantly fighting like that, ask what the bloody buggering fuck people are doing to torture them. O_O
>> I can access text communication before spoken, at my worst, and I have therefore silently verbally monologued to my friends when needing a translator. <<
It's good that you have a workaround.
>>That the phrasing makes nonverbal and mutism as synonymous, just mocks my extremely high vocabulary that I can't speak or pronounce properly under stress.<<
That sucks. :(
There are a lot of different things that often get lumped together -- the physical inability to speak (e.g. damaged vocal cords), psychological inability to speak (e.g. going nonverbal under stress), and a psychological issue resonating down to cause a physical effect (as when the sudden inability to speak comes with a choking sensation).
>>The stuttering was helped by the speech therapist,<<
That's good.
>>How genius am I to score 163 as IQ in 1984 and 7th grade with fairly even math and verbal abilities at the time?!? Autistic genius pretty much sums it up, I think.<<
Genius you. \o/
(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-18 04:27 pm (UTC)-A Harley Quinn who happened to see this and pop into front to reply.
Aww ...
Date: 2019-04-18 05:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-18 08:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-18 01:36 am (UTC)Yay!
Date: 2019-04-18 03:12 am (UTC)>=(
Date: 2019-04-19 04:13 am (UTC)The sense I got from it is that they are using a hammer. They see the problem as a nail sticking out of the wood, so obviously you need a hammer to fix it. Hammer isn't working? Get a bigger hammer. Eventually one will work.
This is wrong on so many levels. You can't solve a problem from a close-minded view point. Your hammer won't always work. Sometimes you need an allen key instead. This is not a one-size fits all problem; therefore there is not a one-size fits all solution.
Each person is individual and deserves to be valued for who they are. Don't want to speak today? Great. Can you point or nod for me instead? No? Ok, give me some time to think of another way. Or shoo me away and you can have some time to regroup if that's needed.
The theme I've noticed in a lot of articles about divergent people is "They are different! We must make them the same!" Which is just stupid. Being different is ok; there's nothing wrong with it. Offer *useful* help, so that those who would like it can access it, otherwise, leave them alone and do your best to meet them half way for accomodations. The work shouldn't fall all on one party, and the one that has an easier time making accomodations should make more of an effort to do so.
*Climbs down off the soap box to go flail some more.*
People like this make my head hurt. I want to shake them until they see sense.
Re: >=(
Date: 2019-04-19 04:46 am (UTC)I'm sorry it upset you so much.
>>The sense I got from it is that they are using a hammer. They see the problem as a nail sticking out of the wood, so obviously you need a hammer to fix it. Hammer isn't working? Get a bigger hammer. Eventually one will work.<<
"... if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway." Which is very much how society feels about people with disabilities. >_<
>>This is wrong on so many levels.<<
I agree.
>> You can't solve a problem from a close-minded view point. Your hammer won't always work. Sometimes you need an allen key instead. This is not a one-size fits all problem; therefore there is not a one-size fits all solution. <<
I've heard people describe different reasons why they go nonverbal. I have, on rare occasions, experienced several myself -- and all over those would be worsened, not improved, by increasing outside pressure to speak. One of them is extremely dangerous to meddle with.
>>Each person is individual and deserves to be valued for who they are. Don't want to speak today? Great. Can you point or nod for me instead? No? Ok, give me some time to think of another way. Or shoo me away and you can have some time to regroup if that's needed.<<
Much more sensible. I think one of the most basic things to determine for advance directives is whether the person usually needs company or solitude to recover. For me it's solitude, for some others it's company.
"First, do no harm" is a really great starting point that nobody seems to use anymore.
>> The theme I've noticed in a lot of articles about divergent people is "They are different! We must make them the same!" Which is just stupid. <<
That's the foundation of ABA therapy, which is monstrously abusive. It basically amounts to killing someone you don't like -- everything that makes them displeasing, that makes them who they are -- and replacing them with a more pleasing persona. *shudder*
>> Being different is ok; there's nothing wrong with it.<<
That's a value statement. I share it. Society parrots it but does not really believe it or act as if it is true. Difference is attacked, often violently. And then they wonder why society has such a problem with violence all over the place.
>> Offer *useful* help, so that those who would like it can access it, otherwise, leave them alone and do your best to meet them half way for accomodations.<<
A big problem is that whenever the client is not also the buyer, the caregiver will aim to please the buyer, not help the client. But therapy should always be aimed at meeting the client's goals to help them be more comfortable, happy, balanced, successful, etc. Just forcing them to be pleasing -- which is the main goal of most therapy -- is the opposite of help, and why so many people later avoid therapy if they have the power to do so.
>> The work shouldn't fall all on one party, and the one that has an easier time making accomodations should make more of an effort to do so. <<
Agreed.
There's a fascinating science fiction novel about a planet where all the people have some sort of mental disorder. And their society has evolved to respect every one of those. Their etiquette defines who gets their way in any situation based on those respective needs, and it works. I always wished the author had gone into more detail than just a few examples, because we desperately need something like that.
You don't have the right to demand that people behave as if they have a disability when they don't; that's not reasonable. But most accommodations are reasonable and should be granted. If it is mentally or physically painful for someone to speak, others do not have a right to demand it, but should defer to some other mode.
>>People like this make my head hurt. I want to shake them until they see sense.<<
I just want to curse them with the disability they're abusing.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-04-23 03:08 am (UTC)Reading the comments to your post really opened my mind to all the subtleties of this issue, all the endless ways human minds function.
Thoughts
Date: 2019-04-23 04:47 am (UTC)Okay ...
>> I get thoughts āwholeā, very visual, non-linear, like a piece of artwork with multiple foci. <<
Ahh ... that sounds like you might be a visual native. It can be very difficult to translate that into words, if you don't think first in words. Some people don't. If you look at the nine intelligences, one of those is visual-spatial. It's very different from linguistic intelligence that uses words.
>> When I absolutely have to āput things into spoken wordsā I frequently flail because I am unable to determine which thread of the tapestry to pull first. I tend to jump all over the subject, forget to focus on the most important point, and go off on unimportant side pathways. <<
That's what I was talking about when I said that people can go nonverbal for different reasons. It can be emotional overload, stress, a brain malfunction -- or in your case, trying to translate nonverbal thoughts into verbal expression. Most of the therapy would do fuckall good for that, it isn't designed to fix that problem.
*ponder* You might look at art interpretation, though, which is all about translating images into text. Not just a description of the images but the meaning of them.
>> Writing is much easier. <<
That's interesting. Because you can go at your own pace and see what you already said, or some other reason(s)?
>> Reading the comments to your post really opened my mind to all the subtleties of this issue, all the endless ways human minds function.<<
Yay! I'm glad I could help.