ysabetwordsmith | Emotional Intimacy Question: Family

From:

My parents have been separated most of my life, they aren't very close to each other, both parents have issues with their families, so not very close to extended family. But,
I am very close and warm with my twin, both parents, (and the rest of my dad's household). Too scared of my little sister to be close to her.
My childhood was much happier seeming than most people's. Sometimes I missed people, but I always knew I was loved.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I'm glad that you have some family that you feel close to.

From:

arlie

My half sisters and I try to stay in contact. We have biweekly phone calls, and occassional visits. But while I don't know what an average looks like, probably low connection for people not actively avoiding each other. 3000 miles of geographical seperation, and 3 or 4 time zones, don't help at all. But moving 3000 miles away from my mother was a big win for me (see below).

I have a long term roomate who counts as family to me, even though we've never had a romantic/sexual relationship. (I don't think I quite count as family to her, for that reason.)

My mom and my foster father both drank too much. Fortunately(?) I was well into high school - or even university - before this got really bad. Mom's collection of issues were problems before this, and got much much worse after they seperated in my first year at university. Dad (technically my step father) was a mostly silent presence, reading something or other, but we loved him, and knew we could rely on him. Mom was more involved with me than with my half siblings, perhaps because she still had the spoons to deal with ordinary parental support things. But the household was a bit wacky, and I didn't know it.

My maternal grandparents were the strong reliable presence. I loved them wholeheartedly, and trusted them - no erratic responses that had nothing to do with whatever I had done, and overall kind and supportive, at least within their idea of how things should be. Unfortunately, my grandfather died when I was 10 or so, after an unpleasant couple of years (cancer).

I never really clicked with my father's relatives.

And I have no memories of my birth father, or either lot of paternal grandparents. I think my stepfather's father (and my birth father) were the only ones I ever actually met.

Was I happy? Not really, but not all that unhappy either. I didn't know how crazy mom was, and most of the overt symptoms in my childhood were "just" depression. OTOH, spending a year in foster care at the age of 6 or so, really wasn't great, even though my sisters were with me.

I'm told all this made me the "avoidant" type in terms of attachment. Very self sufficient, for good and ill both. But not very trusting. I expect people to go away, or sometimes to regard me as a resource to be (ab)used. Growing up with undiagnosed Asperger's would have soethign to do with that too.

[Edit: oops - this was supposed to be a top level comment, not a response to caera_ash.]

Edited Date: 2018-07-20 03:39 pm (UTC)

From:

ysabetwordsmith

That situation sucks.

It's not just family that creates that pattern, though. My immediate family is usually quite reliable. It's everyone else who tends to treat me like a nuisance until they want favors. As I am not a superhero, I tend to respond to such favor-begging with, "Go fuck yourselves."

From:

kaixo

My family isn't that close. But it's one of the things of being raised in a developing country, is that you're always looking outward, especially in terms of migration. Growing up, my brothers and I were close, but when two of us left home (me to Europe and him to the US), it ruptured a bit. My brother in the US and myself are close in that we can just fall into easy conversation when we talk, whereas with the other two, not so much.

I'm Virgo, so I can't say that I'm close or warm with anyone.

With regards to my childhood- yeah, I guess? I mean, I was close to my brothers, and I enjoyed my summers and school to an extent growing up. There are things one could wishes my parents did do, but ehhh, it could have been a lot worse.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Thank you for sharing the effects of spreading a family across multiple countries.

From:

torc87

Mine is all over the spectrum. Close and warm and yet not at all, and at times far too hot and maybe too close.

My father and his side are simpler. Warm but not close. He stayed in a different country when I was a kid and I barely know my half sister. Warm when we meet, much as we can be when we different sharply on our beliefs about life and people. Warm, but not close, not truly a huge part of each other's lives. Texting/calls every few weeks level of close.

I don't think they are close even among themselves though. My father works too much to get close w my sister and his marital relationship is .... tradition, more than emotion. I don't get the sense he is close to his brother or mother either, though warm in an 'my responsibility' type way.

I consider my mother's side more family type family. Relatives stopped being close or warm after my great grandparents died but at least I know them, grew up w them.

My grandfather and stepfather aren't warm as such, conversations tend to peter out easily. Close in that they are there, were part of the household growing up, are people I see regularly now. Not emotionally close or open though. Cultural maybe? Or not. I was closer w my stepfather as a kid but things got complicated when I grew up. I don't think they are emotionally open or very close w anyone though. Not from the side I can see, at least.

My mother and sister and I are the warm verging on too hot and too close part of the spectrum. Warm and close but tending to blow up into loud sudden fights, so close minor issues sting more and it's all suddenly too hot. Too explosive. My age compared to my sister is closer to the age my mother was when she had me and the roles got blurred a bit, tangled more than is really a good idea. Too close.

Still, everyone counts family as important and wants to stay close, which is a lot.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I can see how the hot-cold running relatives could make life complicated!

From:

la_samtyr

I don't have any family left since my parents have both passed away. Single, never married, no kids. Luckily, I have my rl cousins and my cyber-family, in addition to my beloved furkids.

My childhood was great, up until I "grew boobs." Then everything more or less went downhill and never really improved much.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

My grandparents were fine with me being genderqueer, until signs of puberty arrived. Then suddenly they wanted me to turn into a girl. What the actual fuck? >_< Look, I know it walks like a duck, but this is STILL A SWAN, people.

From:

elinox

Yay someone else who had an idealic childhood!

Both of my parents were happily married for 42 years and I remember having a very happy childhood thanks to their hard work and love.

But of everyone I know in real life, mine is the only one with such a happy, picturesque past.

From:

stardreamer

My childhood was okay -- no better and no worse than anything I knew about among my friends -- but there was little contact with any extended family. My father's family lived all over the US and he didn't seem to be on close terms with any of them; my mother's family was all clustered around Nashville, a day's drive away, and we only saw them once a year on summer vacation.

When I started getting old enough to develop my own opinions and interests was when things started going to shit. By the time I was in high school, I would not call my relationship with either of my parents "close and warm"; it was always painfully obvious that they found me wanting in any number of ways, and things went downhill from there.

Fortunately, I found science fiction fandom and the SCA in college, and that gave me access to family-of-choice with people who didn't think everything I did was wrong or inadequate. Which, in turn, exacerbated the problems with my parents; the contrast between the way they treated me and the way other people did widened what had been a small fracture into a yawning chasm.

Although I was able to maintain contact with my parents until they died, after my early 20s it was never deeper than surface-level; I pretty much shut them out of my life because that cut down so drastically on the number of arguments I had with them. My now-ex and his family, and my friends in fandom and the SCA, filled that gap. These days it's my current partner and my friends. I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

From:

redsixwing

My mother's side of the family is much closer than my father's. She and her sisters are still each other's confidants and friends. I'm much closer to one aunt than the other.

My father's side is a miserable collection of estrangements and secrets. I'm not close to him, and my desire to stay out of his bizarre circle of meanness has compromised relationships with the family members who are closer.

I wasn't a happy child, mostly thanks to bullying at school and at home, and a total lack of emotional skills that continued well into early adulthood. I still think I was happier than a lot of people - my love of the outdoors, long walks, and animals are all traceable directly back to the advantages I had as a loner kid in the countryside.

From:

curiosity

*Loner country kid solidarity fistbump*

From:

redsixwing

*solidarity fistbump!*

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>My father's side is a miserable collection of estrangements and secrets.<<

That sucks. :(

>>I still think I was happier than a lot of people - my love of the outdoors, long walks, and animals are all traceable directly back to the advantages I had as a loner kid in the countryside.<<

Another happy loner country kid here. :D

From:

redsixwing

Here's to loner country kids. :D The internet makes it so much easier to /be/ this way.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Compatible people are so rare, I thought there weren't any growing up. I was 16 before I met anyone with enough in common to be friends rather than acquaintances.

From:

redsixwing

I'm glad you found some eventually.

I had a similar experience, and while 15 years later I'm still hanging with the same two people, it's because they're /really excellent people./

From:

cmcmck

It's nice to know someone with functional parents, I have to admit!

From:

curiosity

My dad is the youngest of 15. That entire side of the family is comprised of abusive, alcoholic racists.

My mom is the oldest of 6. That side of the family is comprised of bi-polar/narcissist alcoholics. With some hoarding thrown in for flavor.

I grew up next to my uncle's pig farm, we being the poor relations, and started working at the age of 6. We didn't have water in the winter or shoes in the summer. My parents drank their paychecks and my siblings and I ate a lot of grass and field corn. We spent a lot of time scrounging for food in the woods or stealing chicken eggs from my uncle's coop and eating them raw. There wasn't a day I wasn't covered in bruises except the two weeks each summer we went to my (mom's mom) grandma's house.

They are all close to each other in a variety of toxic, dysfunctional ways and pride themselves on being a family unless they are beating the mushy insides out of each other.

I am the hateful, ungrateful black sheep because I left and didn't look back.

I am fine with this.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>My dad is the youngest of 15. That entire side of the family is comprised of abusive, alcoholic racists.

My mom is the oldest of 6. That side of the family is comprised of bi-polar/narcissist alcoholics. With some hoarding thrown in for flavor.<<

What a mess. >_<

>>I am the hateful, ungrateful black sheep because I left and didn't look back.

I am fine with this.<<

Here's your medal.

From:

curiosity

Thank you. I shall treasure it always. *grins*

From:

gatheringrivers

I am the hateful, ungrateful black sheep because I left and didn't look back.

I am fine with this.

Good job and congrats!

From:

curiosity

Thank you. :D

From:

redsixwing

Adding to the chorus: well done, you.

From:

curiosity

Thanks. This is a good post. I like knowing not everyone had a shit time.

From:

arlie

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to grow up this way.

From:

curiosity

It was not fun. But it's all good. No worries.

From:

mama_kestrel

Nuclear family - well.

That was Mom, Dad, and me. It wasn't normal, and it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know anything else. We moved just about annually (sometimes more often) courtesy of Dad's job. So I was always the new kid, in addition to being the smallest physically and the smartest, and never learned how to make friends. That meant that I really didn't have the families of my friends for comparison. The exception was the family who lived across the street the one place we stayed for 3 solid years, who became lifelong friends. But Mom has never understood boundaries, least of all mine, and Dad was manic depressive and undiagnosed until I was in my late 20s, which is when I walked out and said I wasn't visiting again until he had his outbursts under control. He finally went to Cleveland Clinic at that point.

The grandparents I knew were my maternal grandparents. Grandma was amazing, and more than anyone else, I patterned myself after her. My grandfather had no use for women, and was not backward about saying so. I am the oldest of the cousins, but the extended family did not consider me a "real adult" until I married. I was the first woman in the family to graduate college, let alone get a couple of graduate degrees. I also married outside the faith. I broke all sorts of molds, and have never been forgiven for it. So once my grandparents died, I basically haven't heard from that part of the family since.

I barely knew, or know, my dad's family. I don't know exactly what happened there, except in broad outline. My dad spoke to his father, usually in Yiddish, once a week. We saw Zayde and all the cousins a couple of times a year. But Dad would not stay in his father's home, nor accept anything from his father. I don't know those cousins either.

I found a family who took me to their hearts without restraint or reservation in my husband's family. They're wonderful. I have been very lucky, and learned a lot about how a family can operate over the 33 years I've known them. And I've gathered family of choice around myself. I seem to have a knack for that. I have lots of people to love, and who love me. It's all good.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>That was Mom, Dad, and me. It wasn't normal, and it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know anything else. <<

What a mess. :(

>>The exception was the family who lived across the street the one place we stayed for 3 solid years, who became lifelong friends.<<

That's good.

>>the extended family did not consider me a "real adult" until I married.<<

My extended family still don't treat me as an adult, or indeed, anyone of importance at all. They claim to want me around, but they sure don't act like it. I avoid them as much as I can.

>> I found a family who took me to their hearts without restraint or reservation in my husband's family. <<

Yay!

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