Emotional Intimacy Question: Family

[ysabetwordsmith]

Folks have mentioned an interest in questions and conversations that make them think. So I've decided to offer more of those. I'm starting with this list.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

* Quite close and warm with my partner and parents.  Not so much with other relatives.

* Yes.  I'm almost the only person I know with two reasonably functional parents.  We may have had our ups and downs -- all families do -- but we stuck it out and stuck by each other.

Comments

[caera_ash]

My parents have been separated most of my life, they aren't very close to each other, both parents have issues with their families, so not very close to extended family. But,
I am very close and warm with my twin, both parents, (and the rest of my dad's household). Too scared of my little sister to be close to her.
My childhood was much happier seeming than most people's. Sometimes I missed people, but I always knew I was loved.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm glad that you have some family that you feel close to.

[arlie]

My half sisters and I try to stay in contact. We have biweekly phone calls, and occassional visits. But while I don't know what an average looks like, probably low connection for people not actively avoiding each other. 3000 miles of geographical seperation, and 3 or 4 time zones, don't help at all. But moving 3000 miles away from my mother was a big win for me (see below).

I have a long term roomate who counts as family to me, even though we've never had a romantic/sexual relationship. (I don't think I quite count as family to her, for that reason.)

My mom and my foster father both drank too much. Fortunately(?) I was well into high school - or even university - before this got really bad. Mom's collection of issues were problems before this, and got much much worse after they seperated in my first year at university. Dad (technically my step father) was a mostly silent presence, reading something or other, but we loved him, and knew we could rely on him. Mom was more involved with me than with my half siblings, perhaps because she still had the spoons to deal with ordinary parental support things. But the household was a bit wacky, and I didn't know it.

My maternal grandparents were the strong reliable presence. I loved them wholeheartedly, and trusted them - no erratic responses that had nothing to do with whatever I had done, and overall kind and supportive, at least within their idea of how things should be. Unfortunately, my grandfather died when I was 10 or so, after an unpleasant couple of years (cancer).

I never really clicked with my father's relatives.

And I have no memories of my birth father, or either lot of paternal grandparents. I think my stepfather's father (and my birth father) were the only ones I ever actually met.

Was I happy? Not really, but not all that unhappy either. I didn't know how crazy mom was, and most of the overt symptoms in my childhood were "just" depression. OTOH, spending a year in foster care at the age of 6 or so, really wasn't great, even though my sisters were with me.

I'm told all this made me the "avoidant" type in terms of attachment. Very self sufficient, for good and ill both. But not very trusting. I expect people to go away, or sometimes to regard me as a resource to be (ab)used. Growing up with undiagnosed Asperger's would have soethign to do with that too.

[Edit: oops - this was supposed to be a top level comment, not a response to caera_ash.]

Alas!

[ysabetwordsmith]

That situation sucks.

It's not just family that creates that pattern, though. My immediate family is usually quite reliable. It's everyone else who tends to treat me like a nuisance until they want favors. As I am not a superhero, I tend to respond to such favor-begging with, "Go fuck yourselves."