Hard Things
Jan. 3rd, 2018 04:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithLife is full of things which are hard or tedious or otherwise unpleasant that need doing anyhow. They help make the world go 'round, they improve skills, and they boost your sense of self-respect. But doing them still kinda sucks. It's all the more difficult to do those things when nobody appreciates it. Happily, blogging allows us to share our accomplishments and pat each other on the back.
What are some of the hard things you've done recently? What are some hard things you haven't gotten to yet, but need to do?
What are some of the hard things you've done recently? What are some hard things you haven't gotten to yet, but need to do?
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 12:14 pm (UTC)It gets a little easier every time, but it's still a bit triggery some days. Especially since it came flat out of nowhere.
Realizing he now can't be around to help me clean/take me out to do things, etc...realizing that he was only two people I regularly have contact with, and I'm now down to only one, and it sucks because I still have no way ()Without spending insane amounts of money I don't yet have) to get out and meet folks.
I'm trying not to let it depress me/(And with Jay included, us) but it's really hard some days.
-Fallon~
Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 07:05 pm (UTC)I thought about whether to mention any of that to the police, but well, if it was me I wouldn't view them as a resource, just a hazard to be got rid of as quickly as possible.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 08:05 pm (UTC)Especially when you have to talk to a male detective about what happened. I mean I guess it's unavoidable, but it's still not fun to do.
-Fallon~
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 08:19 pm (UTC)It's not just hard on the victims, it's shoddy police work, because obviously if victims feel really uneasy with an officer they won't be willing or able to provide as much detail about the crime, which undermines police effectiveness. Good police care about this, hence the current trend to improve training and offer soft interview rooms in the better departments.
I'm sorry things are going so hard for you. If you can think of anything that would help from your long-distance friends, let us know. Even if it's just saying "That was a dick move he made."
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 08:22 pm (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 08:37 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you found a trauma center that helped! Many areas now have something like that, and the more focused training can make a big difference.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 11:16 pm (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-03 11:27 pm (UTC)We really need better trauma-informed care. I mean seriously, I am better at this than many professionals, and health care is one of my worst subjects. *shaaaaaame*
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 04:47 am (UTC)That said, I'm glad you had a traumna center that was that awesome.
-Fallon~
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-05 06:25 pm (UTC)sorry you had a rough[er] than necessary time of it.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 04:45 am (UTC)He sexual assaulted me, including nonconsensual king (Tying with cloths). Also, pulling the cords from the modem and removing my cell phone, which was charging at the side of my bed. All of whicyh I found out later, after he had realized what he did, and got out of dodge per my request. It was...I was definitely glad same said choice-family came in that same night.
...
Thing is, it came out of nowhere. This was the same guy I've been talking about off and on who would come over and help me clean my house; bought me a lot of the things I have around my houst (Apple TV's the two TV's I have upstairs and down; would taqke me to see movies, etc)...so I have no idea where the hel it came from. This was the same guy who helped raise Jay out of body...and was pretty much like a father/uncle figure to him (Alongside Anthony who is now his boss.)
We'd been dating for little under a month when he did this...and I was so thrown (He came up when I was half asleep) that it took prompting from some of my choice-family to even think of calling the police. ... as it was, it wasn't until after we got back from our last day of class (We had a final that day, and on the way home, promptly lost our shit on an Open Door bus. *(Which we *never* do, by the way.) that we did it.
...
So yeah, there's that.
(One of the people in the VA called him dangerous which I have a hard time seeing him as-I won't have him (I blocked him) over ever again though; I can't be in the same space as someone who could lose that type of control again. I like what one of the other women (A different one thanwho took me to the interview yesterday_) who said that someone who takes away my choices like that is someone I don't want to be around; she didn't call him dangerous. Not like the other one: "He's dangerous, I'm going ot be your mommy for a minute." ... Let me wrap my mind around the fact that a guy I've known for ten years, and a guy I was coming around to **maybe* spending the rest of my time with did this...then I might see him as a bit more "dangerous" than I first thought.
Oh, BTW? Visually impaired with anought site to see large print.
-Fallon~
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 05:35 am (UTC)I'm sorry to hear that. If you want someone to talk with, I'm here. This is one area where I actually have some training -- years ago, but it was pretty good gender-interaction and survivor support stuff. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. People do vary whether talking helps, or makes them feel worse.
>> He sexual assaulted me, including nonconsensual king (Tying with cloths). Also, pulling the cords from the modem and removing my cell phone, which was charging at the side of my bed. All of whicyh I found out later, after he had realized what he did, and got out of dodge per my request. It was...I was definitely glad same said choice-family came in that same night. <<
That sounds very disturbing. But pulling the cords -- he'll have a hard time arguing that things just "got a little out of hand" with something so obviously premeditated.
>> Thing is, it came out of nowhere. This was the same guy I've been talking about off and on who would come over and help me clean my house; bought me a lot of the things I have around my houst (Apple TV's the two TV's I have upstairs and down; would taqke me to see movies, etc)...so I have no idea where the hel it came from. This was the same guy who helped raise Jay out of body...and was pretty much like a father/uncle figure to him (Alongside Anthony who is now his boss.) <<
That's going to be hard to replace -- which may be why he did it.
What have you read about trust building vs. victim-grooming? Because the stages are quite similar, right up until the dishonest person reveals his true nature. What makes me think of this is that you were already rather isolated, in need of friends who could help you get out more, do stuff, and generally be more functional. To a predator in search of a victim, that can look like an opportunity, and some of them are eerily good at hiding their nature.
>> We'd been dating for little under a month when he did this...and I was so thrown (He came up when I was half asleep)<<
Yikes.
>> that it took prompting from some of my choice-family to even think of calling the police. ... <<
At least you have good family.
>> as it was, it wasn't until after we got back from our last day of class (We had a final that day, and on the way home, promptly lost our shit on an Open Door bus. *(Which we *never* do, by the way.) that we did it. <<
:( Well, that can happen after assault. Acute stress reaction is common for a few days to a week. Don't worry about that, even if the effects are pretty rough for a little while, as long as it's not dangerous. If it feels like it's lasting longer than it should, it's getting worse, or it interferes with everyday activity then that might be into the acute stress disorder range. Not all sources distinguish between the two, but some do, and I feel it's essential to emphasize that most people will be freaked for at least a few days after that kind of upset. It's normal and much of it often fades on its own, although sexual assault can also bring up the kind of issues that benefit from therapy. Try to give yourself time to feel what you feel before trying to figure out if it "means" anything. If you're worried about going out again, consider carrying an emergency number for a family member who knows what just happened, in case you have a similar reaction. It's manageable, however inconvenient.
>> (One of the people in the VA called him dangerous which I have a hard time seeing him as-I won't have him (I blocked him) over ever again though; I can't be in the same space as someone who could lose that type of control again.<<
Ahhh. That goes with the rest of the clues. Once somebody has been mistreated, they tend to develop very good radar for identifying other threats of the same type. Sometimes it is just a "vibe" but other times they can point out specific actions or phrases of concern. You can always ask.
>> I like what one of the other women (A different one thanwho took me to the interview yesterday_) who said that someone who takes away my choices like that is someone I don't want to be around; she didn't call him dangerous.<<
That's generally a red flag, yes.
>> Not like the other one: "He's dangerous, I'm going ot be your mommy for a minute." <<
Gah. Even if she's right, that's awful pushy.
>> Let me wrap my mind around the fact that a guy I've known for ten years, and a guy I was coming around to **maybe* spending the rest of my time with did this...then I might see him as a bit more "dangerous" than I first thought. <<
Hence why I tend to point out particular items of concern if I can. "Jane, did you notice that Bob keeps himself between us and the door? He's acting cute about it now, but it might not stay cute."
>> Oh, BTW? Visually impaired with anought site to see large print. <<
That makes everything more fraught.
I'm sorry all this happened. You deserve better.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 03:53 pm (UTC)Not much, actually. o____o
"Because the stages are quite similar, right up until the dishonest person reveals his true
nature. What makes me think of this is that you were already rather isolated, in need of friends who could help you get out more, do stuff, and generally
be more functional. To a predator in search of a victim, that can look like an opportunity, and some of them are eerily good at hiding their nature."
So I see now. o___o
"At least you have good family."
They're awesome fammly. THey are most likely the reason my acute stress reaction didn't turn into anything much more than mild triggers-and didn't turn into a PTSR and/or PTSD.
"If it feels like it's lasting longer than it should, it's getting worse, or it interferes with
everyday activity then that might be into the acute stress disorder range. "
It's close-and some days I wonder, but it hasn't lasted all day yet, and i'm able to function around it, if just, so I'm thinking I might need therapy, I just need to find someone who takes my ensurrence, or I need to find things to do that flip my brain to something else, which helps a lot. I'm glad you differentiate, because even people in my own system were wondering when it went from the acute stress reaction to the disorder area, and are keeping an eye on that for me. The others in Jay's crew especially...which is nice.
"Gah. Even if she's right, that's awful pushy."
It is...and I was starting to pull away because of that. I mean...I already have a mommy; and she's already freaked; I don't need on pushing things on me that my mind can't handle yet.
Thank you. :)
-Fallon~
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 09:09 pm (UTC)(You may want someone you trust to be with or near you when you read these, because the comparison can be overwhelming if you recognize things in retrospect.)
Okay, this is trust-building and this is victim-grooming. They both involve doing nice things for someone and moving through layers of intimacy. The difference lies in plain old honesty: A trustworthy person has your best interest at heart, and really means to do nice things. A predator has his own interest at heart, and does nice things to bait a trap. It can be difficult to distinguish, especially for folks who have not encountered both versions to contrast them.
>>They're awesome fammly. THey are most likely the reason my acute stress reaction didn't turn into anything much more than mild triggers-and didn't turn into a PTSR and/or PTSD.<<
Yes, family support makes a huge difference. I am so glad you have that.
>> It's close-and some days I wonder, but it hasn't lasted all day yet, and i'm able to function around it, if just, <<
Remember that it takes time for people to settle down after a big shock. That's true for anything deeply disturbing, whether a death in the family or an assault. It's scary and awful and overwhelming, sometimes for days. But people are resilient, and most do recover on their own or with just a little help. If you'd gotten hit by a car, would you expect to be fine immediately after? Probably not.
Here is a big batch of self-care links that I made:
http://ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com/4256227.html
This is my emotional first aid list:
https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/10976564.html
>> so I'm thinking I might need therapy, I just need to find someone who takes my ensurrence, <<
Support groups for sexual assault are among the most common, usually free or cheap. Some of the same organizations that run those also offer individual counseling. Understand that emotional first aid can help, but if done badly, can make matters worse. In particular, don't let people force you do talk about things before you feel ready. In the interest of supporting your choices ...
I searched for Indianapolis sexual assault support groups and found this place that offers free support groups and counseling:
https://www.familiesfirstindiana.org/sexual-assault-counseling-and-advocacy
This page for abuse survivors also covers sexual assault and lists phone numbers for various types of help:
http://www.naasca.org/Groups-Services/INDIANA.pdf
RAINN has a page where you can type in your zip code to get a listing of local providers:
https://centers.rainn.org/
Ideally, seek support from other survivors. They tend to have a better grasp on what helps, what doesn't, and what makes matters worse. At minimum, try to find trauma informed care.
https://www.samhsa.gov/nctic/trauma-interventions
http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course073.php
http://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/publications-products/creating-trauma-informed-services-tipsheet-series-for-advocates/
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Survivor-Tips-for-Therapists-Dealing-with-Trauma.html
>> or I need to find things to do that flip my brain to something else, which helps a lot. <<
Okay, great, you're onto something. That's distraction, one of the major groups of coping skills. Like numbing and dissociating, it's how the brain helps itself when life hurts too much to bear. Ideally, it helps people get through the acute phase of distress after trauma. The most crucial thing to realize is that the human brain, like other information storage devices, can EITHER record new data or play back old data. It cannot do both at once. So if you make it concentrate on something new, then it cannot simultaneously flood you with memories of the assault. That's why humans have distraction. When the intensity begins to fade, then it becomes easier to deal with what happened in a rational way. Distraction is not a good long-term solution but it can get you through the worst part.
Among the most useful distractions is any kind of stacking-sorting game such as Tetris.
http://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2017-03-28-tetris-used-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/tetris-shown-to-lessen-ptsd-and-flashbacks/
If you can't sort things visually, then think about how you do sort things, such as spatially or tangibly. The best nonvisual analog of Tetris I can think of is a baby block sorter, preferably the kind with lots of shapes and holes on all sides of the box. Line up the shapes and put them into the box through the holes as fast as you can. These toys are cheap and common.
There are also toys actually based on Tetris, such as Ketamino or Tetrius. There is a Tetris game with a vertical frame but I doubt it'd work nonvisually, and there are cheaper ways to get blocks. These things more expensive in general compared to toddler toys.
This list of distraction techniques is sorted by feelings/needs and then lists ideas for addressing each one. It is designed for people who self-harm but anyone with those feelings may find it helpful.
http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/distraction-techniques-pm-2.pdf
This general list is bundled into types of distraction:
https://www.wikihow.com/Distract-Yourself-from-Things-You-Don%27t-Want-to-Think-About
Here is a list of coping skills, many of which are distractions:
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx
Later on, distraction can also help you manage when you deal with what happened. On a bus is not a good time. With a friend at home, or with a therapist or support group in an office, are much safer times. If you're not already experienced at meditating, learning to bring up and push down issues at will can take some practice.
However, you have ulterior skills! This works a lot like switching front. In fact, many multiple survivors find that one or a few of their headmates are best at handling what happened. Sometimes that means processing it, other times just functioning through the pain. In any case, your established skills at changing your focus or mode of awareness should help you get a handle on other versions. Use what you have. Think cautiously about who to share this with, but use it yourself.
If distraction is working for you right now, then it's probably what you need. By implication, your mind isn't ready to deal with the assault yet, which means that prying into it too early could be very bad. If you feel like talking, then talk; if not, don't.
What you probably need right now in addition to the distraction, which prevents you from ruminating on what happened, are coping skills to address the symptoms of acute stress reaction. If your executive skills are wrecked, write things down or use a phone app to help you remember what to do next. If you're worried about melting down in a public place and having strangers pester you, get a friend or relative on speed-dial and let them handle explanations or talk you out of a tight spot. If you get flashes of feeling too hot or too cold, dress in layers so you can easily take off or put on something. It can be very hard to think of solutions when you're stressed, so this is something that other folks can help with.
>>I'm glad you differentiate, because even people in my own system were wondering when it went from the acute stress reaction to the disorder area, and are keeping an eye on that for me. The others in Jay's crew especially...which is nice.<<
Symptoms that are serious enough to suggest acute stress disorder:
* fainting more than once
* your heart/lungs misbehaving so badly you wind up in the emergency room
* wanting to hurt yourself
* wanting to hurt someone else
* being unable to do your activities of daily living for several days in a row
If it turns into that much of an emergency, sometimes it means the body has gotten "stuck" in physical panic mode. There are temporary medications that can shut down that stress response. Recommended mental treatment includes cognitive-behavioral therapy, but that's iffy during the acute phase. It does work great on bad tape like "this is all my fault," but it's not very good for feelings and acute stress is mostly a big ball of emotions.
Because reactions tend to change very rapidly during the first month after trauma, it can be helpful to track them in some way. You might try journaling or just jotting down what you do and feel each day. Use any method that works for you. This has several immediate benefits:
* It gives your mind a specific time to think about the trauma. At other times you can tell yourself, "We'll deal with this during the evening writeup."
* If you are getting better, as most people do, it will give you concrete evidence of that.
* If you don't get better or get worse, it will show that too, which will help you decide when to seek additional help; and it will also help your therapist understand the development of your issues.
I wrote a safety tracker to help people measure their physical and emotional safety:
https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9792622.html
There is a poster with sliders for measuring trauma which I mentioned on my blog.
Understand that PTSD is fundamentally a sorting error. The brain gets stuck on a bad thing and can't file the memory properly, so it keeps interrupting other activities. Therefore, once the acute phase begins to fade and you feel ready to work with thoughts and feelings, any kind of narrative therapy can help. Do it yourself or find a counselor, both ways work. Narrative therapy spans a wide range of techniques that help you grasp your life story. It can be actual storytelling, dress-up play, making a trauma scrapbook, turning your history into a cartoon strip, whatever works for you.
I compiled a lot of resources for trauma scrapbooking in Turq's poem "Together We Have It All." Most of those are visual, but you could have a sighted friend help you decide which pages would help you, then turn those into another format such as Braille. Also, scrapbooking supplies are rich in texture -- there are many pages with dots, wrinkles, rough glitter, etc. even before you get to embellishments like buttons or ribbon. A tactile scrapbook could give you something to hold onto, whether you use it to record events, your feelings, the scary stuff, how people helped, or any combination of those. Many visual markers will work in a scrapbook, especially a Spot-n-Line Pen which someone could use to make shapes on a printed page tangible for you.
Ideally, look for a mix of solutions you can do alone or with someone else, depending on mood. Sometimes you won't feel like dealing with anyone else. Sometimes you won't want to be alone. Other people around you probably feel frustrated and helpless right now. Doing things together, or setting up tools so you can do something for yourself, will give them a constructive way to aid the healing process and make them feel better, in addition to making a practical improvement for you.
>> It is...and I was starting to pull away because of that. I mean...I already have a mommy; and she's already freaked; I don't need on pushing things on me that my mind can't handle yet. <<
Very prudent of you.
>> Thank you. :) <<
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 10:05 pm (UTC)Most of these I remember, but I'm glad I have them in one place again, plus the support group deal, and I didn't really think about the scrap booking thing, so than,k you for that. :)
I'm just awake from a nap, so I'll most likely pick through the rest of this later when I'm not hungry enough for my stomach to eat itself. LOL
Thank you again, very much. :)
-Fallon~
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-01-04 11:11 pm (UTC)About three weeks. That's useful to know. This is a good time to think about your progress. (You don't have answer any of this out loud, just to yourself.) How much of a mess were you the first week? Do you feel better, the same, or worse now? After a few weeks, most people will still have some rough days but should see clear progress compared to the immediate aftermath of the trauma. What still needs work? Do you have ideas for fixing it yourself or do you want help with it?
By the way, watch out for the one-month anniversary, that's hard on most folks. Try to have someone you trust with you on Jan. 14, and don't push yourself too hard that day.
>> And there are still days where I just...don't want to do anything except sit and refresh DW looking for fiction <<
Okay, some thoughts here:
1) If there are occasional days when you have no energy, that's okay. Everyone does sometimes, and trauma survivors do more than average. It might help you to mark them on a calendar so that you can tell whether they are getting farther apart, staying the same distance, or closer. If the bad days are clustering a lot, that's not so good.
2) When you feel like crap, self-soothing techniques such as comfort reading are a very prudent use of your time. If you were bleeding, you'd put a bandage on it, right? This is like that, only for your feelings. If all you can do that day is plug the leak, well, at least you've stopped it from getting worse. Times I've been on deadline when I was sick, sometimes I would write a paragraph of article, read something sweet, write another paragraph, and repeat.
3) Here are some tips from depressed people on how to get out of bed when you have no energy. They generalize well to traumatic lethargy too -- especially "be depressed outside."
>> Which I'm all caught up on the current series...I keep forgetting that I can read back through LIFC because I'm not there.<<
Yes, LIFC is extremely popular as comfort reading.
>> Most of these I remember, but I'm glad I have them in one place again, plus the support group deal,<<
Yay! Speaking of things in one place, you might want to make (or have someone make for you) an emotional first aid kit.
>> and I didn't really think about the scrap booking thing, so than,k you for that. :) <<
You're welcome. It appears in a few references for trauma survivors, but not a lot yet. Over in Terramagne it's a standard technique that is widely recommended after a trauma, often under a heading like "Choose a narrative technique that resonates with you." If this appeals and you need a hand with it, I can help you find ideas. A drawback of scrapbooking is that most references are visual, until you get into the embellishments aisle at a store.
>> I'm just awake from a nap, so I'll most likely pick through the rest of this later when I'm not hungry enough for my stomach to eat itself. LOL <<
Okay, great. That reminds me, here's a list of self-care steps for when you feel awful. Eating regularly is on there.
>> Thank you again, very much. :) <<
*hugs offered* I'm glad I could help. Trauma sucks, but knowledge makes it suck a little less.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 03:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 04:29 pm (UTC)I hope he continues to recover well.
-Fallon~
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 07:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 06:02 pm (UTC)Interview for a position that may be a bridge too far, but the working conditions are dreamy... This on Thursday at lunch...
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 06:09 pm (UTC)I hope you feel better soon, and that the position works out for you!
-Fallon~
Good luck!
Date: 2018-01-03 06:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 08:24 pm (UTC)Well ...
Date: 2018-01-03 08:34 pm (UTC)For practical considerations, choose a writing implement that's not too sharp and won't stain, in case of turbulence, and a notebook. Tablet computers or laptops, even if allowed, aren't their best in iffy circumstances. Pencil and paper are more robust.
If the light is bad, look overhead. A decent plane often has a little ball-joint light over each seat which you can point at your work.
Re: Well ...
Date: 2018-01-03 11:20 pm (UTC)thanks for the info.
Re: Well ...
Date: 2018-01-03 11:26 pm (UTC)Notably, do not wear long sleeves of light color if you'll be switching between a left-right and a right-left script. Airlines don't really allow hygiene supplies anymore but remember to wash your hands afterwards. You are very likely to get pencil or ink on your hands, unless you are also ambidextrous and remember to use the hand that you won't be dragging through what you've already written.
Re: Well ...
Date: 2018-01-05 06:28 pm (UTC):::wan smile:::
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 09:48 pm (UTC)Also, repetitive vacuuming and laundry on account of fleas. Never again, if I can help it....
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-03 10:05 pm (UTC)The blue Dawn dish soap kills fleas on contact without being a big risk to household animals. If you have a Swiffer sweeper, put a bit of it in the formula and do all the hard floors to keep them safe from the critters. Handwashing laundry in it might be a bit more difficult, but that soap works wonders.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-04 07:13 am (UTC)- Tom
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-04 01:34 pm (UTC)I do have a swiffer, but only the dry wiper - not the stick with the liquid reservoir.
I've got a laundry soap with citronella in it, that I've been using at a rate of about 6x the normal amount per load.
Well ...
Date: 2018-01-04 07:25 pm (UTC)