Poem: "With a Tender Hand"
Dec. 1st, 2017 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the September 5, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from mama_kestrel and chanter_greenie. It also fills the "closer" square in my 12-1-16 card for the iPod Shuffle Music Fest. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
"With a Tender Hand"
Kincade sat in Ambrose's office,
waiting for his head to stop spinning,
so that Ambrose could give it another yank
and send it twirling off like a top again.
The counselor had been more than willing
to mediate between Kincade and Draven,
and even managed to break through
the teen's sullen resistance to get
a grudging apology out of him.
Draven hadn't wanted anything
from Kincade, and hadn't offered
anything in return, preferring to sit out
for a while rather than put in the work
to earn points and buy back his privileges
to socialize with the other inmates.
Ambrose simply suggested that,
since Kincade had made extra work
for Dr. Bloch in cleaning up after the fight,
a day volunteering in the infirmary
would be appropriate restitution.
Kincade had signed off on that,
but the idea of just sidestepping
an obstacle left him reeling.
He had no idea how Ambrose did that.
It was like scrapping with Asian guys
who ducked and danced and were
practically impossible to hit.
Yet it never mattered how dazed
Kincade was after listening to Ambrose,
or how long it took him to sweep up
the shattered fragments of his wits.
The counselor always waited patiently
and never interrupted him. It helped
Kincade put himself back together.
They had been sitting silently
for at least half an hour before
Kincade finally managed to say,
"So, uh, Warden Lincoln told me
to talk with you about my relationship
with Sanquez. He said you could help."
"I hope so," Ambrose said. "What
would you like my help with? Did
the two of you get into a fight?"
"Not really," Kincade said. "Well,
Sanquez kind of blew a gasket when
he found out about my plan to stay
together by getting myself locked up
longer, but that's not what started this."
"I'm listening," Ambrose said, and
he was, he was always listening.
He could suck things right out of you,
like pulling poison out of a wound.
Sometimes Kincade really appreciated
that, and other times it made him
uncomfortable, not so much with
Ambrose as with himself.
"Lincoln said that you could
give me good advice because
you have a relationship like this
yourself," Kincade said.
Ambrose chuckled. "I'm not
sure I'd compare me and Garry
to you and Sanquez, but we do
have a queerplatonic relationship."
"How to you make it ... work?"
Kincade wondered. "I mean,
I heard enough about marriage
to have some idea, but that's not us,
and I don't know how to sort out
the advice that'll carry over."
"Let your relationship be what it is,"
Ambrose said. "Don't try to make it fit
anyone else's pattern. What works for
a married couple might or might not work
for you and Sanquez. The same is true
about what works for me and Garry.
You need to find your own way."
"But Lincoln said I had to talk to you
about it," Kincade protested. "He didn't
think we had the right skills and stuff."
"Well, that's his opinion. He's not in
this relationship, though," said Ambrose.
"What do you think about it?"
"I think ... he might be right,"
Kincade said. "Everything is
changing now, and that's hard
to handle. I know Sanquez and I
care about each other, but we didn't
grow up easy. We're missing stuff."
"I'm sure you would benefit from
assessing your life skills and filling in
whatever gaps you find," Ambrose said.
"You have the most important part
in perfect working order, though."
"What's that?" Kincade said,
trying to think of any part
in his life that was perfect.
"Love," Ambrose said warmly.
Just the word made Kincade
want to squirm away from it,
let alone the tone, sweet and
golden like heated honey.
"I don't know about that,"
Kincade hedged, fidgeting.
"I do. It's quite plain to see,"
Ambrose said. "Our life is love,
and peace, and tenderness."
"That doesn't sound much like me,
let alone Sanquez," said Kincade.
"We're pretty rough guys at heart."
"You were. You are not now, and that
is because of each other," said Ambrose.
"Love is bearing one with another, and
forgiving one another, and not laying
accusations one against another, but
helping one another up with a tender hand.”
Kincade shivered. This was what made
Ambrose so utterly terrifying at times.
He could pull your heart right out of
your chest and make you look at it.
The hell of it was, Ambrose was right.
Kincade wasn't as tough as he used to be,
and he knew it, and he knew that Sanquez
was the cause of it. He didn't put any blame
on Sanquez, though. It was his own fault
for falling in love and going soft.
When Kincade came to the prison,
he had been shriveled and bitter inside.
They had squabbled for a while, because
Kincade was young and stupid at the time,
but then Sanquez had held out a hand and
Kincade had taken it and everything changed.
Somehow Sanquez had broken him open and
reached through all the careful defenses Kincade
had built to keep the world from hurting him.
Ambrose had said it: Sanquez had made him
tender, made him vulnerable, and nothing
that Kincade could do would ever
repair that breach in his armor.
Kincade had forgotten how
to be tender with anyone, until
Sanquez had reminded him.
Now it had come full circle,
because Kincade wasn't just
sensitive inside himself, he also
wanted to be tender with Sanquez.
That was, in fact, why Kincade had
gotten into a fight in the first place.
It wasn't only about wanting to be with
Sanquez, which he did; it was also
about wanting to be there for him.
Was that love? Maybe it was.
Kincade was so fucked.
Through the whole thought process,
Ambrose sat patiently and waited for
Kincade to work through it. He smiled
a little but did not speak, content to let
Kincade proceed at his own pace.
It felt weird to be trusted to figure out
his own life and what to do with it, but
Ambrose never failed to respect that.
"It's hard to talk about this, or even
to think about it," Kincade admitted.
"Then you may consider working on
your communication skills," Ambrose said.
"Every relationship needs plenty of those.
You could practice listening and speaking,
first with a teacher, then each other."
Kincade thought about that, trying
to remember the list of offered classes.
"There's a class on communication in couples,
and one on speaking skills, but I haven't
seen any classes about listening."
"I tend to do those privately at first,"
Ambrose said. "It's difficult to teach
listening skills in a group, unless students
already have a strong foundation, and
most people here do not. If you're
interested, I'm happy to help."
Kincade wondered if the kind
of listening that Ambrose did
could really be taught.
Then he decided that he
didn't care, because he liked
the idea of practicing with Sanquez,
whether they got any better or not.
Just spending time together gave him
a warm shivery feeling, and he was
secretly excited by the thought of
sharing more intimacy, even if all
they did was sit in silence.
It wasn't at all like the arousal
that Kincade felt when thinking
about a sexy lady, but it held
a similar level of anticipation.
"Yeah, sign me up," he said,
leaning forward to reach
for Ambrose's computer.
So they worked out a time when
Kincade could come for listening lessons.
"We'll start with basic skills, and then if
you want to learn more, I'll teach you some of
the advanced skills that Friends use, and offer
a group session," Ambrose offered. "I can also
teach advanced speaking skills, if the basic class
doesn't cover everything you want to learn."
"That sounds good," Kincade said.
"What about everyday stuff, though?
Does it feel different with a housemate
than it would with a husband?"
"I don't know," Ambrose said.
"I've never had a husband in
the sexual sense. I suspect
some things would be the same,
while others would be different."
"Like what?" Kincade asked.
"So far, Sanquez and I get along
great, but Lincoln got me thinking
about how things will change after
we get out. We won't have guards
telling us what to do and where to go
most of the time, which means we'll
have to figure that out for ourselves."
"You might start with sharing chores,"
Ambrose said. "Every home requires
a certain amount of upkeep. Ideally,
the members of a family share the work
according to their interests and abilities,
in more-or-less equal amounts."
"Makes sense, I guess," said Kincade.
"So what's different or the same about it?"
"Well, two men living together don't
have the cultural baggage telling them
to divide things a certain way," said Ambrose.
"It will be entirely up to you who does what."
Kincade thought that if they got a small place,
then it wouldn't be too jarring a change from
the suite they shared with several other inmates.
"An apartment shouldn't need too much work,"
he said, thinking out loud. "We could manage."
"Speaking of apartments, think about whether
you want one bedroom or two," Ambrose said.
"Spouses usually share a bed. Housemates
usually have separate bedrooms. Garry and
I have two beds in the same bedroom. We
like to listen to each other breathing."
"After all this time sharing a cell,
I'm not sure whether I could even
sleep alone," Kincade confessed.
The thought of sleeping
without Sanquez nearby
made him feel cold.
"Then you two should
definitely discuss that,"
Ambrose advised.
"Can I get your notes or
something?" Kincade said.
It would be much easier
to discuss sensitive issues if
he could point to a list and say,
"I was told to cover these topics."
Sanquez would go along with it
in hopes of avoiding a repetition
of Kincade's dumbass idea
to extend his sentence.
"Listening skills, speaking skills,
household chores, and bed space,"
Ambrose said as he filled out a form.
"I think this is enough to start with."
He printed off the page and
handed a copy to Kincade.
"Thank you," Kincade said.
"I'll go over this with Sanquez
and let you know what he thinks."
He was getting closer to release,
which was scary, but he'd learn
how to handle that, somehow.
He would be getting closer
to Sanquez, too, which made
all the stress totally worth it.
Kincade looked forward to that.
In a way, he was even getting
closer to Ambrose, who would be
spending extra time with Kincade
to teach him relevant skills.
"You're welcome," Ambrose said.
"I'm glad that I could help you. We'll
touch base later to check your progress."
When Kincade stood up, Ambrose
cupped his shoulder with a tender hand.
It was enough to make Kincade flinch
just a little. He wasn't used to being
touched. It didn't hurt, it was just ...
sensitive, like pressing over a nerve.
He could have moved away, but he didn't.
Normal people touched each other.
He should try to get back to that.
Ambrose didn't squeeze or push or pull,
just held the contact, light and flat,
letting Kincade get used to it.
The warmth of his hand
soaked through Kincade's shirt,
the way that Sanquez had
gotten under his skin.
There was no going back
to the barricade he used to have.
The brash and bitter street tough had
grown into a companionable man.
Sanquez had opened him up, and
he would always have that tender spot
where someone could reach in and touch him.
Kincade was learning to be okay with that.
* * *
Notes:
“Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness; and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another; but praying one for another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.”
– Isaac Penington
Making amends is more concrete than merely making apologies. It is better done directly, but when this is unfeasible, it can be done indirectly. In Terramagne-America, the legal system relies a great deal on penumbra restitution, because victims often want nothing to do with perpetrators. So the perpetrators pay their debt to society by doing something of use to the same category of people they harmed. Ideally, the penalty should connect to the crime in some way, rather than being arbitrary.
Everyone struggles sometimes, and a sympathetic friend or counselor can help. Understand how to handle other people's difficult emotions. Be prepared to sit with their pain and validate it. Even if you cannot fix the source of their pain, you can provide a nonanxious presence so that at least they are not alone with it.
Love makes people vulnerable, and strong, at the same time. Even guarded people can fall in love, but they often do it differently. Here are some ideas on building relationships that last.
A key part of counseling entails guiding people to solve their own problems. That means, in order to make their choices meaningful, sometimes you have to let them fail. Here are some ways to help people solve their own problems. These principles are vital to client-centered therapy.
Communication skills form the foundation of a healthy relationship. Learn good communication for happy living.
Quaker Silence includes the skill of listening for the "still small voice." The first guy in the video really reminds me of Ambrose. When people practice listening to God instead of nagging him, the effects can be really dramatic. You can develop listening skills for activism and compassion. Here is an exercise for powerful listening. Quaker dialog also has its own unique style.
Quaker speaking includes a gentle approach that follows a particular guideline in worship. A related concept, English-prime, drops "to be" and thus avoids arguments over the "isness" of things. To improve your speaking skills, consider the sound, ideas, and process. It helps to use I-messages and three-part messages.
In this scene, the proposal to practice communication skills has Kincade thinking of what is often called intellectual foreplay. For some people, the intimacy is exciting but not sexual. This often happens for asexual people, but it can also happen for sexual people in a nonsexual relationship. You can practice intellectual foreplay with your partner using these questions.
Vulnerability relates to different soft spots for different people. While helpful in hostile conditions, it can cause problems under more favorable ones. Vulnerability can be a sign of strength instead of weakness, and it aids intimacy. In this instance, Kincade has come far enough to accept vulnerability with a very limited number of people, but he is not comfortable with it yet. There are ways to build rapport, to be more vulnerable in relationships, and to feel comfortable with vulnerability.
Relationship skills include a wide range of everyday tasks. Among these is dividing chores so you don't kill each other. Here are some thoughts on sharing a bedroom. In general, sharing a household requires a healthy relationship.
The prison makes liberal use of forms and worksheets to show the process of organizing ideas and solving problems. Most people eventually learn how to do most of this stuff in their heads, and only resort to paperwork for complex issues. Most criminals have not yet learned many of these skills, and so showing the work on paper helps them to understand it better. Here Ambrose is listening to Kincade flounder over some very complex issues, so Ambrose helps him pick out a few things to work on -- which if successful will make addressing other parts easier -- and then make an action plan detailing specific steps to take. Later on, they'll reconnect to discuss how well the plan worked and what to do next. The followup reference comes from health care (very much like T-American style) but it generalizes well to other contexts.
Skin hunger is the human need for healthy touch. Conversely, touch aversion can develop for various reasons -- one of which is simply that if people aren't touched very often, it becomes unfamiliar and therefore may feel uncomfortable. This can cause serious health problems in prisons for inmates isolated from other human beings. Terramagne-America does better by providing a Healthy Touch program, sports and other communal activities, and a staged release process. However, the amount of touch that inmates get is still a lot lower than average, and that has an impact.
mama_kestrel and chanter_greenie. It also fills the "closer" square in my 12-1-16 card for the iPod Shuffle Music Fest. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series."With a Tender Hand"
Kincade sat in Ambrose's office,
waiting for his head to stop spinning,
so that Ambrose could give it another yank
and send it twirling off like a top again.
The counselor had been more than willing
to mediate between Kincade and Draven,
and even managed to break through
the teen's sullen resistance to get
a grudging apology out of him.
Draven hadn't wanted anything
from Kincade, and hadn't offered
anything in return, preferring to sit out
for a while rather than put in the work
to earn points and buy back his privileges
to socialize with the other inmates.
Ambrose simply suggested that,
since Kincade had made extra work
for Dr. Bloch in cleaning up after the fight,
a day volunteering in the infirmary
would be appropriate restitution.
Kincade had signed off on that,
but the idea of just sidestepping
an obstacle left him reeling.
He had no idea how Ambrose did that.
It was like scrapping with Asian guys
who ducked and danced and were
practically impossible to hit.
Yet it never mattered how dazed
Kincade was after listening to Ambrose,
or how long it took him to sweep up
the shattered fragments of his wits.
The counselor always waited patiently
and never interrupted him. It helped
Kincade put himself back together.
They had been sitting silently
for at least half an hour before
Kincade finally managed to say,
"So, uh, Warden Lincoln told me
to talk with you about my relationship
with Sanquez. He said you could help."
"I hope so," Ambrose said. "What
would you like my help with? Did
the two of you get into a fight?"
"Not really," Kincade said. "Well,
Sanquez kind of blew a gasket when
he found out about my plan to stay
together by getting myself locked up
longer, but that's not what started this."
"I'm listening," Ambrose said, and
he was, he was always listening.
He could suck things right out of you,
like pulling poison out of a wound.
Sometimes Kincade really appreciated
that, and other times it made him
uncomfortable, not so much with
Ambrose as with himself.
"Lincoln said that you could
give me good advice because
you have a relationship like this
yourself," Kincade said.
Ambrose chuckled. "I'm not
sure I'd compare me and Garry
to you and Sanquez, but we do
have a queerplatonic relationship."
"How to you make it ... work?"
Kincade wondered. "I mean,
I heard enough about marriage
to have some idea, but that's not us,
and I don't know how to sort out
the advice that'll carry over."
"Let your relationship be what it is,"
Ambrose said. "Don't try to make it fit
anyone else's pattern. What works for
a married couple might or might not work
for you and Sanquez. The same is true
about what works for me and Garry.
You need to find your own way."
"But Lincoln said I had to talk to you
about it," Kincade protested. "He didn't
think we had the right skills and stuff."
"Well, that's his opinion. He's not in
this relationship, though," said Ambrose.
"What do you think about it?"
"I think ... he might be right,"
Kincade said. "Everything is
changing now, and that's hard
to handle. I know Sanquez and I
care about each other, but we didn't
grow up easy. We're missing stuff."
"I'm sure you would benefit from
assessing your life skills and filling in
whatever gaps you find," Ambrose said.
"You have the most important part
in perfect working order, though."
"What's that?" Kincade said,
trying to think of any part
in his life that was perfect.
"Love," Ambrose said warmly.
Just the word made Kincade
want to squirm away from it,
let alone the tone, sweet and
golden like heated honey.
"I don't know about that,"
Kincade hedged, fidgeting.
"I do. It's quite plain to see,"
Ambrose said. "Our life is love,
and peace, and tenderness."
"That doesn't sound much like me,
let alone Sanquez," said Kincade.
"We're pretty rough guys at heart."
"You were. You are not now, and that
is because of each other," said Ambrose.
"Love is bearing one with another, and
forgiving one another, and not laying
accusations one against another, but
helping one another up with a tender hand.”
Kincade shivered. This was what made
Ambrose so utterly terrifying at times.
He could pull your heart right out of
your chest and make you look at it.
The hell of it was, Ambrose was right.
Kincade wasn't as tough as he used to be,
and he knew it, and he knew that Sanquez
was the cause of it. He didn't put any blame
on Sanquez, though. It was his own fault
for falling in love and going soft.
When Kincade came to the prison,
he had been shriveled and bitter inside.
They had squabbled for a while, because
Kincade was young and stupid at the time,
but then Sanquez had held out a hand and
Kincade had taken it and everything changed.
Somehow Sanquez had broken him open and
reached through all the careful defenses Kincade
had built to keep the world from hurting him.
Ambrose had said it: Sanquez had made him
tender, made him vulnerable, and nothing
that Kincade could do would ever
repair that breach in his armor.
Kincade had forgotten how
to be tender with anyone, until
Sanquez had reminded him.
Now it had come full circle,
because Kincade wasn't just
sensitive inside himself, he also
wanted to be tender with Sanquez.
That was, in fact, why Kincade had
gotten into a fight in the first place.
It wasn't only about wanting to be with
Sanquez, which he did; it was also
about wanting to be there for him.
Was that love? Maybe it was.
Kincade was so fucked.
Through the whole thought process,
Ambrose sat patiently and waited for
Kincade to work through it. He smiled
a little but did not speak, content to let
Kincade proceed at his own pace.
It felt weird to be trusted to figure out
his own life and what to do with it, but
Ambrose never failed to respect that.
"It's hard to talk about this, or even
to think about it," Kincade admitted.
"Then you may consider working on
your communication skills," Ambrose said.
"Every relationship needs plenty of those.
You could practice listening and speaking,
first with a teacher, then each other."
Kincade thought about that, trying
to remember the list of offered classes.
"There's a class on communication in couples,
and one on speaking skills, but I haven't
seen any classes about listening."
"I tend to do those privately at first,"
Ambrose said. "It's difficult to teach
listening skills in a group, unless students
already have a strong foundation, and
most people here do not. If you're
interested, I'm happy to help."
Kincade wondered if the kind
of listening that Ambrose did
could really be taught.
Then he decided that he
didn't care, because he liked
the idea of practicing with Sanquez,
whether they got any better or not.
Just spending time together gave him
a warm shivery feeling, and he was
secretly excited by the thought of
sharing more intimacy, even if all
they did was sit in silence.
It wasn't at all like the arousal
that Kincade felt when thinking
about a sexy lady, but it held
a similar level of anticipation.
"Yeah, sign me up," he said,
leaning forward to reach
for Ambrose's computer.
So they worked out a time when
Kincade could come for listening lessons.
"We'll start with basic skills, and then if
you want to learn more, I'll teach you some of
the advanced skills that Friends use, and offer
a group session," Ambrose offered. "I can also
teach advanced speaking skills, if the basic class
doesn't cover everything you want to learn."
"That sounds good," Kincade said.
"What about everyday stuff, though?
Does it feel different with a housemate
than it would with a husband?"
"I don't know," Ambrose said.
"I've never had a husband in
the sexual sense. I suspect
some things would be the same,
while others would be different."
"Like what?" Kincade asked.
"So far, Sanquez and I get along
great, but Lincoln got me thinking
about how things will change after
we get out. We won't have guards
telling us what to do and where to go
most of the time, which means we'll
have to figure that out for ourselves."
"You might start with sharing chores,"
Ambrose said. "Every home requires
a certain amount of upkeep. Ideally,
the members of a family share the work
according to their interests and abilities,
in more-or-less equal amounts."
"Makes sense, I guess," said Kincade.
"So what's different or the same about it?"
"Well, two men living together don't
have the cultural baggage telling them
to divide things a certain way," said Ambrose.
"It will be entirely up to you who does what."
Kincade thought that if they got a small place,
then it wouldn't be too jarring a change from
the suite they shared with several other inmates.
"An apartment shouldn't need too much work,"
he said, thinking out loud. "We could manage."
"Speaking of apartments, think about whether
you want one bedroom or two," Ambrose said.
"Spouses usually share a bed. Housemates
usually have separate bedrooms. Garry and
I have two beds in the same bedroom. We
like to listen to each other breathing."
"After all this time sharing a cell,
I'm not sure whether I could even
sleep alone," Kincade confessed.
The thought of sleeping
without Sanquez nearby
made him feel cold.
"Then you two should
definitely discuss that,"
Ambrose advised.
"Can I get your notes or
something?" Kincade said.
It would be much easier
to discuss sensitive issues if
he could point to a list and say,
"I was told to cover these topics."
Sanquez would go along with it
in hopes of avoiding a repetition
of Kincade's dumbass idea
to extend his sentence.
"Listening skills, speaking skills,
household chores, and bed space,"
Ambrose said as he filled out a form.
"I think this is enough to start with."
He printed off the page and
handed a copy to Kincade.
"Thank you," Kincade said.
"I'll go over this with Sanquez
and let you know what he thinks."
He was getting closer to release,
which was scary, but he'd learn
how to handle that, somehow.
He would be getting closer
to Sanquez, too, which made
all the stress totally worth it.
Kincade looked forward to that.
In a way, he was even getting
closer to Ambrose, who would be
spending extra time with Kincade
to teach him relevant skills.
"You're welcome," Ambrose said.
"I'm glad that I could help you. We'll
touch base later to check your progress."
When Kincade stood up, Ambrose
cupped his shoulder with a tender hand.
It was enough to make Kincade flinch
just a little. He wasn't used to being
touched. It didn't hurt, it was just ...
sensitive, like pressing over a nerve.
He could have moved away, but he didn't.
Normal people touched each other.
He should try to get back to that.
Ambrose didn't squeeze or push or pull,
just held the contact, light and flat,
letting Kincade get used to it.
The warmth of his hand
soaked through Kincade's shirt,
the way that Sanquez had
gotten under his skin.
There was no going back
to the barricade he used to have.
The brash and bitter street tough had
grown into a companionable man.
Sanquez had opened him up, and
he would always have that tender spot
where someone could reach in and touch him.
Kincade was learning to be okay with that.
* * *
Notes:
“Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness; and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another; but praying one for another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.”
– Isaac Penington
Making amends is more concrete than merely making apologies. It is better done directly, but when this is unfeasible, it can be done indirectly. In Terramagne-America, the legal system relies a great deal on penumbra restitution, because victims often want nothing to do with perpetrators. So the perpetrators pay their debt to society by doing something of use to the same category of people they harmed. Ideally, the penalty should connect to the crime in some way, rather than being arbitrary.
Everyone struggles sometimes, and a sympathetic friend or counselor can help. Understand how to handle other people's difficult emotions. Be prepared to sit with their pain and validate it. Even if you cannot fix the source of their pain, you can provide a nonanxious presence so that at least they are not alone with it.
Love makes people vulnerable, and strong, at the same time. Even guarded people can fall in love, but they often do it differently. Here are some ideas on building relationships that last.
A key part of counseling entails guiding people to solve their own problems. That means, in order to make their choices meaningful, sometimes you have to let them fail. Here are some ways to help people solve their own problems. These principles are vital to client-centered therapy.
Communication skills form the foundation of a healthy relationship. Learn good communication for happy living.
Quaker Silence includes the skill of listening for the "still small voice." The first guy in the video really reminds me of Ambrose. When people practice listening to God instead of nagging him, the effects can be really dramatic. You can develop listening skills for activism and compassion. Here is an exercise for powerful listening. Quaker dialog also has its own unique style.
Quaker speaking includes a gentle approach that follows a particular guideline in worship. A related concept, English-prime, drops "to be" and thus avoids arguments over the "isness" of things. To improve your speaking skills, consider the sound, ideas, and process. It helps to use I-messages and three-part messages.
In this scene, the proposal to practice communication skills has Kincade thinking of what is often called intellectual foreplay. For some people, the intimacy is exciting but not sexual. This often happens for asexual people, but it can also happen for sexual people in a nonsexual relationship. You can practice intellectual foreplay with your partner using these questions.
Vulnerability relates to different soft spots for different people. While helpful in hostile conditions, it can cause problems under more favorable ones. Vulnerability can be a sign of strength instead of weakness, and it aids intimacy. In this instance, Kincade has come far enough to accept vulnerability with a very limited number of people, but he is not comfortable with it yet. There are ways to build rapport, to be more vulnerable in relationships, and to feel comfortable with vulnerability.
Relationship skills include a wide range of everyday tasks. Among these is dividing chores so you don't kill each other. Here are some thoughts on sharing a bedroom. In general, sharing a household requires a healthy relationship.
The prison makes liberal use of forms and worksheets to show the process of organizing ideas and solving problems. Most people eventually learn how to do most of this stuff in their heads, and only resort to paperwork for complex issues. Most criminals have not yet learned many of these skills, and so showing the work on paper helps them to understand it better. Here Ambrose is listening to Kincade flounder over some very complex issues, so Ambrose helps him pick out a few things to work on -- which if successful will make addressing other parts easier -- and then make an action plan detailing specific steps to take. Later on, they'll reconnect to discuss how well the plan worked and what to do next. The followup reference comes from health care (very much like T-American style) but it generalizes well to other contexts.
Skin hunger is the human need for healthy touch. Conversely, touch aversion can develop for various reasons -- one of which is simply that if people aren't touched very often, it becomes unfamiliar and therefore may feel uncomfortable. This can cause serious health problems in prisons for inmates isolated from other human beings. Terramagne-America does better by providing a Healthy Touch program, sports and other communal activities, and a staged release process. However, the amount of touch that inmates get is still a lot lower than average, and that has an impact.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-02 04:30 am (UTC)*squish*
Thank you!
Date: 2017-12-02 04:34 am (UTC)*squish*
(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-02 05:07 am (UTC)I like that you show the inmates dealing with good results by reacting to bad disruption, yet moving towards the good when they can. You do it with Shiv too. I think it's just that almost everyone in Terramagne understands that functional people in general are more fun and useful than nonfunctional ones, and when there's a chance to go from nonfunctional to functional, they encourage it, regardless of where they stand on the cape spectrum. (black cape to white, soup to nary, it's a full 2d plane spectrum, not a 1d line spectrum.)
Thoughts
Date: 2017-12-02 10:29 am (UTC)Sadly so.
>> It's a form of change, and as my cats have taught me, change is bad. Results of change may be good, but all change disrupts, and disruption is bad. The math of disruption vs benefit is always a question when you face a change.<<
Well said.
>> Sometimes it's not worth it and sometimes it is, but you have to decide that. It's not automatically a yes. <<
That's a vital point. I think most people don't realize it's a choice that needs to be made mindfully, they just get swept away, one way or the other.
>> I like that you show the inmates dealing with good results by reacting to bad disruption, yet moving towards the good when they can. You do it with Shiv too. <<
Yay! They have their challenges, but they are learning to reach out for available resources.
>> I think it's just that almost everyone in Terramagne understands that functional people in general are more fun and useful than nonfunctional ones, and when there's a chance to go from nonfunctional to functional, they encourage it, regardless of where they stand on the cape spectrum. (black cape to white, soup to nary, it's a full 2d plane spectrum, not a 1d line spectrum.) <<
Nailed it. For supervillains, it's often business sense -- their job is easier if people are functional than dysfunctional.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-05 05:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-02 05:28 am (UTC)The conditions in T-America seem much more supportive of *becoming* vulnerable. It's good for characters like Kincade, Shiv, Turq... I still can't help but wince when I think of breaches like those opening when the environment *isn't* safe for that - objectively or subjectively - but it's happening anyway. From personal and secondhand experiences, having barriers start coming down when you're not ready for it is *scary*. Once they start falling they don't stop easily, those cracks don't completely patch up, and the tension is almost worse when there's still a *need* to keep them up. It sounds like Kincade has a support network through Sanquez and whatever continuing help he gets after release, and he's leaning into it rather than pulling away... But I would still worry for him.
Yes ...
Date: 2017-12-02 10:26 am (UTC)That's true.
>> It's good for characters like Kincade, Shiv, Turq... <<
It really is.
>> I still can't help but wince when I think of breaches like those opening when the environment *isn't* safe for that - objectively or subjectively - but it's happening anyway. <<
Yeah, that sucks. :(
>> From personal and secondhand experiences, having barriers start coming down when you're not ready for it is *scary*. <<
True. Even if it's safe, many people aren't ready when it happens -- Shiv wasn't, and it terrifies him. You saw how fast he rabbited on Gray, and Gray is a brilliant top.
>> Once they start falling they don't stop easily, those cracks don't completely patch up, and the tension is almost worse when there's still a *need* to keep them up.<<
Painfully true.
>> It sounds like Kincade has a support network through Sanquez and whatever continuing help he gets after release, and he's leaning into it rather than pulling away... <<
Yes, he does.
>> But I would still worry for him. <<
Well, it's bound to be a bumpy ride in some ways. There's no coming out of prison after that long and landing easy. I think Kincade and Sanquez will do all right, though. They're following the steps, and that helps a lot.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-03-08 01:02 am (UTC)<3<3<3
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-21 09:21 pm (UTC)of listening that Ambrose did
could really be taught.
Then he decided that he
didn't care, because he liked
the idea of practicing with Sanquez,
whether they got any better or not.<<
Excuse me, I'm dying at how sweet that is.
Yay!
Date: 2020-04-21 09:49 pm (UTC)Yes, I wrote badass gangster zucchini. Just because they're Big Guys in prison doesn't mean they can't fall in love. And they even have a queerplatonic mentor who can help them sort through the very real challenges they face.