Poem: "Your Pain, Your Greatest Ally"
Dec. 5th, 2016 08:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem came out of the March 1, 2016 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from eseme. It also fills the "need" square in my 2-29-16 card for the Villain Bingo fest, and the "trust and vows" square in my 10-1-15 card for the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trope_bingo fest. This poem has been selected in an audience poll as the free perk for the half-price sale in Shiv selling out. It belongs to the Damask thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to read the warning, some of which are spoilers. It features discussion of self-harm, discussion of tattoos, conflict inside a multiple system, BDSM, complaints about no-harm contracts in therapy, more positive exploration of play contracts in kink, poor communication among headmates, practical challenges of being a multiple system, secrets, discussion of marks, nonsexual kink play, therapeutic use of BDSM to process prior trauma, consensual use of superpowers in kink, horrible memories, but at least they're getting sorted now, Keane crying, heavy-duty hurt/comfort, anxiety about the future, problematic management of communal resources, Clarity throwing a tantrum, epic scapegoating, rude mention of masturbation, Clarity reaping the consequences of alienating Keane, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Your Pain, Your Greatest Ally"
Keane
I know that my headmates
have a point about self-harm;
it's risky and messy and there
has to be a better way of
getting the job done.
The tattoo is safer, and
I think it's beautiful, but
they hate that too.
So I keep looking for
other alternatives, and
one day I discover the ad
in the Urbanburg Enquirer.
------------------------------------------------------
Shadowplay Parlor of Pain & Pleasure
Do you need help dealing with
the darkness within yourself?
Come explore your physical and
emotional limits with Shadowplay!
Bondage * Discipline * Domination
** Intense Sensation a Specialty **
------------------------------------------------------
Oddly enough, there is no
contact information provided.
I search online and find nothing.
Then I try surfing the shadow net,
and the website pops right up.
The prices seem reasonable
compared to similar services --
which is to say expensive, but
not entirely out of reach.
There is a pain play contract
which lays out the kinds of things
that will or won't happen in a session,
depending on the customer's tastes.
I can't help remembering
the stupid "No Harm Contract"
that Clarity and Clement brought
home from the Student Health Clinic.
All it does it make me feel worse
about who I am and what I do.
I was born to deal with damage,
and no piece of paper is going
to get in the way of that.
They can put it in the binder,
but they can't make me sign it.
But the Shadowplay contract
is a whole different story.
It's customizable -- I can say
what I want and what I don't want
and what I'm not sure about yet
but would like to try out.
I can list things that upset me
(telepathy) and what helps with them
(hurt me enough that I can hang onto
front until I calm down).
It's equal -- it has spaces
for the top to fill in information
about their health and needs also.
I run my fingers over the screen
and admit that I want this.
Clarity
When I go to make out
the grocery list and plan time
for a shopping trip, I notice that
there's a chunk of Saturday
that just says "Reserved."
We have to be so careful.
We have to block out our time,
write down all our future plans,
just to have a chance at
living six lives in one body
without a catastrophe.
I ask around, but nobody admits
to making that entry, and
so I just leave it there.
We still lose time occasionally,
and I can't afford to mess up
an appointment or activity
that might be important
just because I don't know
what it might be about.
Keane
The address takes me to
an alley, inconspicuous
and surprisingly clean.
A nondescript back door
opens onto a set of cellar steps
going down and around through
a rounded brick tunnel.
The basement foyer has
handsome furniture done in
black lacquer or leather and
chandeliers overhead.
Shadowplay herself is quiet and
confident, dressed in black leather
with a little domino mask.
She shows me the equipment room,
which has a little space for activities,
and then the play room, which has
a lot more space and special furniture.
There is even a bedroom for aftercare.
She sits me down and we fill out
the contract together, or try to.
"There's something you're
not telling me," she observes.
"I can't yet," I say, because
some secrets aren't mine to tell.
This could be over before
it even begins.
"I won't turn you away,"
she assures me. "This just
limits some of what we can do.
Don't worry about it -- trust takes
time to build. If you enjoy yourself,
you can come back another time,
tell me more, and we'll do more."
This feels right in a way that
all the pushy worksheets and
student counseling never have.
Something in me wants
to trust her. Something in me
wants to take my sweet time
learning how to trust her.
"You like pain, but you
haven't mentioned much
about your erotic interests,"
says Shadowplay.
"I'm not really in it for
the sex stuff," I admit.
"Plain top and bottom
sensation play, rather than
sexual or domination games?"
she asks, leaning forward.
"Yes," I say, and that fits.
"You're processing something,"
she guesses. "The pain helps you."
"It really does," I say, "but there are ...
people who don't understand, and
that makes it harder. I tried getting
a tattoo, but that, uh, didn't go over
well at all. So I'm still searching."
"What about marks?" she asks.
"I'd love to, but ... people would freak,"
I say. The idea of visible souvenirs
appeals to me in ways that I can't
describe in so many words.
"How about minimal marks for
our first session," says Shadowplay.
"That's what I recommend anyway.
I can't promise no marks, but I'll
do my best to reduce the chance."
"Okay," I say, and we fill in
the last few details before signing.
Then Shadowplay lays out
some toys on a sheet for me:
three different floggers, a riding crop,
a coiled whip, and something that
looks like a long leather switch.
"Choose three," she says.
I take the suede flogger
and the riding crop, then
hesitate between the whip
and the leather switch.
The whip looks exciting,
but also scary, so I leave it
for another time and pick up
the switch instead.
"Now pick your position,"
Shadowplay says, waving
a hand at the play room with
its fascinating furniture.
There's an X-cross propped against
the wall, and a couple of weird thrones,
but what grabs my attention is a bench
with thick padding that looks
incredibly comfortable.
"Will this work?" I say, running
a hand over it. The red leather feels
almost alive under my touch.
"Yes," says Shadowplay, and
pats the surface. "Now, take off
your clothes and lie down."
There's no sauce or sneer in
the way she says it, none of that
dominatrix stuff that some people like.
She's just a guide, showing me
what to do, and I do it.
The bench is even more comfortable
than it looks -- memory foam
under the leather, perhaps.
"This is amazing," I say.
"Do you want a blindfold?"
she asks. "It can help intensify
sensations, so that you feel
more with less force."
"Yes, please," I say.
Her voice drops to a whisper.
"Silk, leather, or superpower?"
Goosebumps race across my skin,
even though the room is warm.
"Superpower," I reply.
One hand covers my eyes,
and I can feel her energy
shiver through me.
It makes my headmates stir, and
I bite my lip to block them out.
When Shadowplay lifts her hand,
I can't see anything, the world
black as the inside of a cave.
I must have gasped or tensed,
because she presses a hand to
my shoulder and says, "Give
yourself a minute to adjust.
If it doesn't settle, I can take
it off the moment that you
say Yellow or Red."
The weight of her hand
holds me down, pressing me
into the bench, and that's enough
to ground me. "Green," I say.
"Good," says Shadowplay.
"We'll start light, with the flogger.
If you're playing for sensation,
especially for emotional work,
it's best to go down slowly."
Slow it is, soft strokes of suede
flopping against my back,
my butt, and my thighs.
The heat builds gradually
as the texture of the leather
begins to drag against my skin.
Shadowplay leans into it
a little more, and I can feel
the first sting starting to creep
into the edges of my awareness.
The slap of the flogger against
my skin seems louder in the darkness.
When a slow burn has spread evenly
over me, Shadowplay lays aside
the flogger and says, "Crop next."
This toy leaves little spatters of pain
sprinkled across my butt and thighs.
She taps it lightly at first, just
a small snap like a rubber band,
pattering back and forth.
Then she picks up the pace.
The riding crop thwacks into me
with a brisk swish-slap!
I can feel things in my head
starting to move, to shift position,
so that I can put them into order.
The memories of Mindflare are
in there somewhere, jumbled and
broken from the way that he
cut us apart one by one.
Clarity is always saying that
we have to think of the future,
but I can't focus on the future
until I've taken care of the past.
The pain isn't something I want,
it's something I need, as much
as Ham needs to protect us
or Mira needs to hide.
"Harder," I say, and Shadowplay
gives me what I ask for, even as
my breath quickens and I start
to grunt under the heavier blows.
It's the recent events that come clear
first, things that we couldn't sort out
among us and so they got tumbled in
with the disorganized memories, and
I swear this is part of why we lose time:
fighting with each other over who is
holding front, or dropping memories
because nobody wants to touch them.
It's working, though, and I slot away
the heartaches, the insults of my headmates.
"You're crying," says Shadowplay.
"Do you want to keep going, or
do you need a breather?"
"Need to cry," I say. "Keep going."
"Last toy is the switch replacer,"
she says, and hits me with it.
This is nothing like the others.
This pain is bright and burning,
like a line of lightning streaking
across the length of my ass.
I yell, and then realize
that she hasn't hit me again.
"Green," I manage to gasp.
She lays down another blazing blow,
and then more, striping my whole butt
faster and faster with strokes of fire.
Soon I can remember what it was like
when Mindflare made us out of Maisie,
and it's like digging my hands into
broken glass but at least now I can
concentrate on it, the pain like a key
to open the past and an anchor
to keep me in control so that
nobody can interrupt me.
I am sobbing into the soft leather,
my voice giving the pain a place to go,
and I notice that Shadowplay has
paused, her hand stroking my back.
"Pay attention to what you feel,"
she coaches. "Sorrow can show you
truth and teach you compassion. Keep
your heart open, and feel what you feel.
If you let it in, then your pain can
become your greatest ally."
Her words sink into me like
rainwater into dry soil.
This is what I've been trying
to tell everyone, that pain is an ally
to be welcomed, not an enemy
to be fought off at every turn.
This is what gives me the strength
to deal with the things that nobody else
can seem to face -- because I don't try
to fight it, I open to it, and let it
flow through me instead.
Shadowplay squeezes my hand,
and yeah, I remember that too,
it's one of the check-in signals.
Still it takes me a long minute
to find my hand and flex it
to let her know I'm okay.
The memories are starting
to stiffen up, though, and I
manage to say, "Hit me again,
just a little more, I'm almost done."
Well, not all the way done, but
as close as I can get today. Even I
can only take so much pain at once.
There's a tangle of feelings wrapped
around our origin, like barbed wire, with
the death of Maisie and the agonizing mess
that it has made of her -- our -- family life.
Gently I reach into it and begin unrolling
the twisted wire, laying it out and then
wrapping it around a spool in neat turns.
It will have to be dealt with later, of course,
in considerably more detail, but at least
I can start putting it in some kind of order.
Grief over Maisie's death.
Confusion over what followed.
Guilt at all the lies and deceit
required to keep us safe.
Needs, caught up in the feelings --
Ham's desperate insistence of manhood,
Clement's yearning for another healer,
Maze's aching desire to tell someone,
anyone, what happened to Maisie.
We're not ready yet, but we'll have to be,
someday, if we want to have a future,
because family is more about trust
than about vows, which is just
one more thing broken now.
I'm bawling on the bench again,
and Shadowplay soothes me through it,
her hands rubbing gentle circles on my back.
"Cry it out," she urges. "I don't know what
the matter is, but it sure sounds big.
Get out as much of it as you can."
It helps, more than I can say,
just to hear someone assure me that
it's okay to cry, that it's a good thing,
and not try to shut me up or push me
back into my headroom so that
they don't have to listen to it.
Shadowplay is willing to stay with me
in this place, to keep me company
in my pain, and that is a precious gift,
far more potent than her superpower.
When my sobs start to die down
to occasional whimpers and hiccups,
she passes her hand over my eyes
and suddenly I can see again.
"There you go," she says
as I blink in the dim lighting
that somehow seems bright.
Shadowplay pulls a bottle
of lotion from somewhere
under the bench and begins
smoothing it over my skin.
"I didn't hit you as hard as you
probably feel like I did," she says.
"You might have a few spots come up,
but I don't think there's much bruising.
Do pay attention to it, though, so that
you can tell me if you decide to come back."
"I'll try," I say, although I can't promise
because there's no telling when I'll be
able to front again or whether Clement
will haul off and heal anything he finds.
"Do you want to stretch out on the bed
for a while?" Shadowplay offers.
"I can't," I say, shaking my head
with regret. "I don't dare fall asleep."
The last thing she needs is one of
my headmates waking up in a dungeon.
They don't need to be pissed at both of us.
"All right, it's up to you," she says,
and lets me loll on the bench until
I feel like I can sit up without falling.
"Thank you," I say sincerely.
"This session helped me a lot."
"You're welcome," says Shadowplay.
"Come back whenever you can."
I hope so, but I know it's a long shot.
Clarity
"WHAT in the FUCK?"
I shout, looking at
the checkbook.
Somebody went and
spent a hundred bucks
on something marked
"expressive therapy."
I bail out of front and
storm into the living room
inside our headspace.
"I demand an explanation
for this right now!" I say,
waving the memory of
our battered budget
like a battle flag.
"I did it," Keane says
from the couch corner.
"You hated the tattoo,
and you won't shut up
about self-injury, so I
hired some help."
Fuming, I turn on him
and say, "You what?
Blew a hundred bucks
on some kind of mistress?
Why the hell can't you just
masturbate in your bedroom
the way Ham does?"
"Whoa, leave me out of this,"
Ham says, raising his hands
to fend off my temper.
"I am outta here."
I watch him flee, and
the others look little better.
Keane is always causing problems.
"Now look what you've done,"
I tell him, pointing to the budget.
"I have to clean up the mess
that you've just made."
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience,"
says Keane. "I needed the release --
and you don't like it whenever I try
to take care of my needs alone. I
thought hiring help would be safer."
I throw up my hands in despair.
I hate disorganization, and
some of my headmates are
a simmering crockpot of chaos.
"Fine. Whatever," I say.
"Just stay out of my hair
while I try to figure out how
to keep the outstanding checks
from bouncing and costing us
even more money."
"Okay," Keane says quietly,
and his bedroom door
clicks shut behind him.
I turn my attention back to front,
shaking the body out of its daze, then
plunk down hard in the desk chair
so I can start sorting things out.
My tush twinges unpleasantly
and I stand right back up,
trying to rub it away.
But Keane doesn't come out
to deal with the pain.
Well ... drat.
* * *
Notes:
Shadowplay (Delonda Barros) -- She has dusky skin, brown eyes, and long straight black hair. She is mixed race including black and Hispanic. Bullied because of her superpowers, she dropped out of high school and sought work that did not require a degree. Shadowplay discovered a talent for kink play and turned that into a successful career. She lives in Urbanburg, where she works as a professional dominatrix.
Origin: She developed pityriasis alba as a tween, and sought medical attention for the rash and pale spots they left behind. A new medication being tried out for cases of hypopigmentation created an unusual reaction which left her with superpowers.
Uniform: On duty, she dresses in sexy black krevel and dexflan. Off duty, she still likes black but also ivory or a Mexican palette of colors.
Qualities: Master (+6) Trustworthy, Expert (+4) Dominatrix, Expert (+4) Emotional Intelligence, Good (+2) Intimacy Skills, Good (+2) Leathercrafts, Good (+2) Strength
Poor (-2) High School Dropout
Powers: Average (0) Shadow Powers
Motivation: To help people deal with the darkness within.
* * *
"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom."
-- Rumi
Self-harm can happen for many reasons. In Keane's case, he needs pain to fuel his superpowers, hold onto front, and do some crucial headwork. Self-injury is one way to accomplish that, but it has drawbacks. The Hurt Yourself Less Workbook was designed by and for people who hurt themselves and want to reduce it.
Self-harm is challenging but not impossible to manage. The use of no-harm contracts in therapy has raised serious concerns, because it can make matters worse. Often it imposes on a relationship that doesn't exit yet, and thereby prevents the formation of a supportive relationship between therapist and client. It also demands that people solve their own problems before they are permitted any help for their problems! The results of this can be disastrous. It happens less often in Terramagne-America than in local-America, but it still happens; Cassandra has mentioned running afoul of this therapeutic abuse, and sure enough, it made her feel worse.
Some people use contracts for kink. These facilitate discussion of desires and plans, thus maximizing the chance of safe fun. Here is a checklist of activities and a sample contract.
BDSM has multiple benefits, and people may explore it for different reasons. There are beginner tips for doms, tops, submissives, and bottoms. See text and cartoon lists of safety tips. It is important that everyone understand endorphin levels and aftercare.
This is the entrance to the dungeon. Stairs lead down to the couch in the entryway. See the equipment room, play room, and bedroom. These are the kink toys offered to Keane for his first scene.
Submitting to pain is part of kink for most people who take the receptive role, although some people have other goals. Processing pain can be done in negative ways (which blunt the sensation) or positive ways (which don't). Learning these techniques makes it easier to access the benefits of pain play. Some factors can still interfere with pain processing, which makes it difficult to enjoy a scene. Bottoms often seek to skirt the edge of what they can handle.
Traumatic stress can cause a spectrum of effects ranging from acute stress reaction (a normal response that fades after a few days) through acute stress disorder (a "stuck" crisis state that lasts up to a month), PTSD (a "stuck" crisis state lasting more than one month), to PDSD (a "stuck" crisis state involving repeated traumatic experiences over time). In this case, Damask have traumatic stress, but not a disorder, because the problems are troubling but not debilitating and are getting better over time as the headmates work through them. This does not make it okay to ignore the problems, which are liable to get worse if left untended. PTSD is fundamentally a failure of processing that happens inside the brain. When the mind cannot file traumatic memories properly, then they don't integrate into experience, which disrupts the ability to recognize context. The events get "stuck" in a processing loop within the mind, which turns those memories into triggers that cause flashbacks. Some new therapies focus on the body as a way to "unstick" those memories and thus heal the mind. That's exactly what Keane is doing, only instead of conventional therapy, he's hiring someone to beat him in order to knock things loose so he can put them away properly. This works, and he's not the only person it works for.
Difficult emotions are challenging, but accepting them is necessary for good mental health. Mindfulness offers steps to work with them, and that involves learning to sit with painful feelings. Here Keane uses physical pain to achieve catharsis, which relieves pressure and can facilitate sorting processes in the mind. Many people who are into BDSM appreciate it for this reason, in addition to or instead of the erotic aspects. It's just a way of kicking the brain machine until it starts working.
Ideally, you should also understand how to handle other people's difficult emotions. Be prepared to sit with their pain and validate it. Remind them that it's okay to cry, everyone does it, and it helps. Even if you cannot fix the source of their pain, you can provide a nonanxious presence so that at least they are not alone with it.
BDSM can help people heal in many ways. It has been used in therapeutic contexts. Finding this type of therapy is a little easier in T-America than in L-America, but it's still not prevalent. Due to the context of trust and psychological awareness, kink can be useful in recovering from rape and other types of trauma. Keane finds it very soothing and supportive after his experiences with kidnapping, mindrape, and let's not forget his headmates picking on him all the time.
Lotion is advised as aftercare for the skin following a play session. Gentle touch also contributes to emotional aftercare, assisting the bottom in the return to everyday headspace.
Conflict is a natural and necessary part of family life, households, and other relationships. It has a range of healthy to unhealthy forms. Know the signs of fighting dirty. Keane's headmates resort to a lot of dirty tricks; in particular, this is the first time we see Clarity (who is typically calm) throwing a fit. Healthy relationships require that people fight fair. Learn how to improve communication, reduce family arguments, and mediate between relatives when necessary.
Scapegoating is a psychological process in which one person or headmate takes on the burden of everyone's problems. In multiple personalities, the system scapegoat serves this purpose. Keane is not bad, it's just that he deals with a lot of dark stuff, his methods bug the other headmates, and they really don't appreciate yet how much good he's doing. Scapegoating is particularly common in cases of bereavement, which relates to what happened with Maisie getting chopped into several pieces. There are ways to overcome the scapegoat role.
House rules are how the members of a multiple system maintain internal discipline. Almost every system establishes House Rule #1: Do Not Harm the Body. This supports both survival and convincing other people to tolerate the system rather than locking them up as a threat. However, it undermines many forms of self-expression such as kink and body modification; and it puts tremendous pressure on headmates who manifest (often communal) trauma through destructive habits. Everyone else crapping on Keane about this is not helping. Trying to be someone you're not is life-destroying. They need to sit down together and discuss how he can meet his needs in acceptable ways.
eseme. It also fills the "need" square in my 2-29-16 card for the Villain Bingo fest, and the "trust and vows" square in my 10-1-15 card for the trope_bingo fest. This poem has been selected in an audience poll as the free perk for the half-price sale in Shiv selling out. It belongs to the Damask thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to read the warning, some of which are spoilers. It features discussion of self-harm, discussion of tattoos, conflict inside a multiple system, BDSM, complaints about no-harm contracts in therapy, more positive exploration of play contracts in kink, poor communication among headmates, practical challenges of being a multiple system, secrets, discussion of marks, nonsexual kink play, therapeutic use of BDSM to process prior trauma, consensual use of superpowers in kink, horrible memories, but at least they're getting sorted now, Keane crying, heavy-duty hurt/comfort, anxiety about the future, problematic management of communal resources, Clarity throwing a tantrum, epic scapegoating, rude mention of masturbation, Clarity reaping the consequences of alienating Keane, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Your Pain, Your Greatest Ally"
Keane
I know that my headmates
have a point about self-harm;
it's risky and messy and there
has to be a better way of
getting the job done.
The tattoo is safer, and
I think it's beautiful, but
they hate that too.
So I keep looking for
other alternatives, and
one day I discover the ad
in the Urbanburg Enquirer.
------------------------------------------------------
Shadowplay Parlor of Pain & Pleasure
Do you need help dealing with
the darkness within yourself?
Come explore your physical and
emotional limits with Shadowplay!
Bondage * Discipline * Domination
** Intense Sensation a Specialty **
------------------------------------------------------
Oddly enough, there is no
contact information provided.
I search online and find nothing.
Then I try surfing the shadow net,
and the website pops right up.
The prices seem reasonable
compared to similar services --
which is to say expensive, but
not entirely out of reach.
There is a pain play contract
which lays out the kinds of things
that will or won't happen in a session,
depending on the customer's tastes.
I can't help remembering
the stupid "No Harm Contract"
that Clarity and Clement brought
home from the Student Health Clinic.
All it does it make me feel worse
about who I am and what I do.
I was born to deal with damage,
and no piece of paper is going
to get in the way of that.
They can put it in the binder,
but they can't make me sign it.
But the Shadowplay contract
is a whole different story.
It's customizable -- I can say
what I want and what I don't want
and what I'm not sure about yet
but would like to try out.
I can list things that upset me
(telepathy) and what helps with them
(hurt me enough that I can hang onto
front until I calm down).
It's equal -- it has spaces
for the top to fill in information
about their health and needs also.
I run my fingers over the screen
and admit that I want this.
Clarity
When I go to make out
the grocery list and plan time
for a shopping trip, I notice that
there's a chunk of Saturday
that just says "Reserved."
We have to be so careful.
We have to block out our time,
write down all our future plans,
just to have a chance at
living six lives in one body
without a catastrophe.
I ask around, but nobody admits
to making that entry, and
so I just leave it there.
We still lose time occasionally,
and I can't afford to mess up
an appointment or activity
that might be important
just because I don't know
what it might be about.
Keane
The address takes me to
an alley, inconspicuous
and surprisingly clean.
A nondescript back door
opens onto a set of cellar steps
going down and around through
a rounded brick tunnel.
The basement foyer has
handsome furniture done in
black lacquer or leather and
chandeliers overhead.
Shadowplay herself is quiet and
confident, dressed in black leather
with a little domino mask.
She shows me the equipment room,
which has a little space for activities,
and then the play room, which has
a lot more space and special furniture.
There is even a bedroom for aftercare.
She sits me down and we fill out
the contract together, or try to.
"There's something you're
not telling me," she observes.
"I can't yet," I say, because
some secrets aren't mine to tell.
This could be over before
it even begins.
"I won't turn you away,"
she assures me. "This just
limits some of what we can do.
Don't worry about it -- trust takes
time to build. If you enjoy yourself,
you can come back another time,
tell me more, and we'll do more."
This feels right in a way that
all the pushy worksheets and
student counseling never have.
Something in me wants
to trust her. Something in me
wants to take my sweet time
learning how to trust her.
"You like pain, but you
haven't mentioned much
about your erotic interests,"
says Shadowplay.
"I'm not really in it for
the sex stuff," I admit.
"Plain top and bottom
sensation play, rather than
sexual or domination games?"
she asks, leaning forward.
"Yes," I say, and that fits.
"You're processing something,"
she guesses. "The pain helps you."
"It really does," I say, "but there are ...
people who don't understand, and
that makes it harder. I tried getting
a tattoo, but that, uh, didn't go over
well at all. So I'm still searching."
"What about marks?" she asks.
"I'd love to, but ... people would freak,"
I say. The idea of visible souvenirs
appeals to me in ways that I can't
describe in so many words.
"How about minimal marks for
our first session," says Shadowplay.
"That's what I recommend anyway.
I can't promise no marks, but I'll
do my best to reduce the chance."
"Okay," I say, and we fill in
the last few details before signing.
Then Shadowplay lays out
some toys on a sheet for me:
three different floggers, a riding crop,
a coiled whip, and something that
looks like a long leather switch.
"Choose three," she says.
I take the suede flogger
and the riding crop, then
hesitate between the whip
and the leather switch.
The whip looks exciting,
but also scary, so I leave it
for another time and pick up
the switch instead.
"Now pick your position,"
Shadowplay says, waving
a hand at the play room with
its fascinating furniture.
There's an X-cross propped against
the wall, and a couple of weird thrones,
but what grabs my attention is a bench
with thick padding that looks
incredibly comfortable.
"Will this work?" I say, running
a hand over it. The red leather feels
almost alive under my touch.
"Yes," says Shadowplay, and
pats the surface. "Now, take off
your clothes and lie down."
There's no sauce or sneer in
the way she says it, none of that
dominatrix stuff that some people like.
She's just a guide, showing me
what to do, and I do it.
The bench is even more comfortable
than it looks -- memory foam
under the leather, perhaps.
"This is amazing," I say.
"Do you want a blindfold?"
she asks. "It can help intensify
sensations, so that you feel
more with less force."
"Yes, please," I say.
Her voice drops to a whisper.
"Silk, leather, or superpower?"
Goosebumps race across my skin,
even though the room is warm.
"Superpower," I reply.
One hand covers my eyes,
and I can feel her energy
shiver through me.
It makes my headmates stir, and
I bite my lip to block them out.
When Shadowplay lifts her hand,
I can't see anything, the world
black as the inside of a cave.
I must have gasped or tensed,
because she presses a hand to
my shoulder and says, "Give
yourself a minute to adjust.
If it doesn't settle, I can take
it off the moment that you
say Yellow or Red."
The weight of her hand
holds me down, pressing me
into the bench, and that's enough
to ground me. "Green," I say.
"Good," says Shadowplay.
"We'll start light, with the flogger.
If you're playing for sensation,
especially for emotional work,
it's best to go down slowly."
Slow it is, soft strokes of suede
flopping against my back,
my butt, and my thighs.
The heat builds gradually
as the texture of the leather
begins to drag against my skin.
Shadowplay leans into it
a little more, and I can feel
the first sting starting to creep
into the edges of my awareness.
The slap of the flogger against
my skin seems louder in the darkness.
When a slow burn has spread evenly
over me, Shadowplay lays aside
the flogger and says, "Crop next."
This toy leaves little spatters of pain
sprinkled across my butt and thighs.
She taps it lightly at first, just
a small snap like a rubber band,
pattering back and forth.
Then she picks up the pace.
The riding crop thwacks into me
with a brisk swish-slap!
I can feel things in my head
starting to move, to shift position,
so that I can put them into order.
The memories of Mindflare are
in there somewhere, jumbled and
broken from the way that he
cut us apart one by one.
Clarity is always saying that
we have to think of the future,
but I can't focus on the future
until I've taken care of the past.
The pain isn't something I want,
it's something I need, as much
as Ham needs to protect us
or Mira needs to hide.
"Harder," I say, and Shadowplay
gives me what I ask for, even as
my breath quickens and I start
to grunt under the heavier blows.
It's the recent events that come clear
first, things that we couldn't sort out
among us and so they got tumbled in
with the disorganized memories, and
I swear this is part of why we lose time:
fighting with each other over who is
holding front, or dropping memories
because nobody wants to touch them.
It's working, though, and I slot away
the heartaches, the insults of my headmates.
"You're crying," says Shadowplay.
"Do you want to keep going, or
do you need a breather?"
"Need to cry," I say. "Keep going."
"Last toy is the switch replacer,"
she says, and hits me with it.
This is nothing like the others.
This pain is bright and burning,
like a line of lightning streaking
across the length of my ass.
I yell, and then realize
that she hasn't hit me again.
"Green," I manage to gasp.
She lays down another blazing blow,
and then more, striping my whole butt
faster and faster with strokes of fire.
Soon I can remember what it was like
when Mindflare made us out of Maisie,
and it's like digging my hands into
broken glass but at least now I can
concentrate on it, the pain like a key
to open the past and an anchor
to keep me in control so that
nobody can interrupt me.
I am sobbing into the soft leather,
my voice giving the pain a place to go,
and I notice that Shadowplay has
paused, her hand stroking my back.
"Pay attention to what you feel,"
she coaches. "Sorrow can show you
truth and teach you compassion. Keep
your heart open, and feel what you feel.
If you let it in, then your pain can
become your greatest ally."
Her words sink into me like
rainwater into dry soil.
This is what I've been trying
to tell everyone, that pain is an ally
to be welcomed, not an enemy
to be fought off at every turn.
This is what gives me the strength
to deal with the things that nobody else
can seem to face -- because I don't try
to fight it, I open to it, and let it
flow through me instead.
Shadowplay squeezes my hand,
and yeah, I remember that too,
it's one of the check-in signals.
Still it takes me a long minute
to find my hand and flex it
to let her know I'm okay.
The memories are starting
to stiffen up, though, and I
manage to say, "Hit me again,
just a little more, I'm almost done."
Well, not all the way done, but
as close as I can get today. Even I
can only take so much pain at once.
There's a tangle of feelings wrapped
around our origin, like barbed wire, with
the death of Maisie and the agonizing mess
that it has made of her -- our -- family life.
Gently I reach into it and begin unrolling
the twisted wire, laying it out and then
wrapping it around a spool in neat turns.
It will have to be dealt with later, of course,
in considerably more detail, but at least
I can start putting it in some kind of order.
Grief over Maisie's death.
Confusion over what followed.
Guilt at all the lies and deceit
required to keep us safe.
Needs, caught up in the feelings --
Ham's desperate insistence of manhood,
Clement's yearning for another healer,
Maze's aching desire to tell someone,
anyone, what happened to Maisie.
We're not ready yet, but we'll have to be,
someday, if we want to have a future,
because family is more about trust
than about vows, which is just
one more thing broken now.
I'm bawling on the bench again,
and Shadowplay soothes me through it,
her hands rubbing gentle circles on my back.
"Cry it out," she urges. "I don't know what
the matter is, but it sure sounds big.
Get out as much of it as you can."
It helps, more than I can say,
just to hear someone assure me that
it's okay to cry, that it's a good thing,
and not try to shut me up or push me
back into my headroom so that
they don't have to listen to it.
Shadowplay is willing to stay with me
in this place, to keep me company
in my pain, and that is a precious gift,
far more potent than her superpower.
When my sobs start to die down
to occasional whimpers and hiccups,
she passes her hand over my eyes
and suddenly I can see again.
"There you go," she says
as I blink in the dim lighting
that somehow seems bright.
Shadowplay pulls a bottle
of lotion from somewhere
under the bench and begins
smoothing it over my skin.
"I didn't hit you as hard as you
probably feel like I did," she says.
"You might have a few spots come up,
but I don't think there's much bruising.
Do pay attention to it, though, so that
you can tell me if you decide to come back."
"I'll try," I say, although I can't promise
because there's no telling when I'll be
able to front again or whether Clement
will haul off and heal anything he finds.
"Do you want to stretch out on the bed
for a while?" Shadowplay offers.
"I can't," I say, shaking my head
with regret. "I don't dare fall asleep."
The last thing she needs is one of
my headmates waking up in a dungeon.
They don't need to be pissed at both of us.
"All right, it's up to you," she says,
and lets me loll on the bench until
I feel like I can sit up without falling.
"Thank you," I say sincerely.
"This session helped me a lot."
"You're welcome," says Shadowplay.
"Come back whenever you can."
I hope so, but I know it's a long shot.
Clarity
"WHAT in the FUCK?"
I shout, looking at
the checkbook.
Somebody went and
spent a hundred bucks
on something marked
"expressive therapy."
I bail out of front and
storm into the living room
inside our headspace.
"I demand an explanation
for this right now!" I say,
waving the memory of
our battered budget
like a battle flag.
"I did it," Keane says
from the couch corner.
"You hated the tattoo,
and you won't shut up
about self-injury, so I
hired some help."
Fuming, I turn on him
and say, "You what?
Blew a hundred bucks
on some kind of mistress?
Why the hell can't you just
masturbate in your bedroom
the way Ham does?"
"Whoa, leave me out of this,"
Ham says, raising his hands
to fend off my temper.
"I am outta here."
I watch him flee, and
the others look little better.
Keane is always causing problems.
"Now look what you've done,"
I tell him, pointing to the budget.
"I have to clean up the mess
that you've just made."
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience,"
says Keane. "I needed the release --
and you don't like it whenever I try
to take care of my needs alone. I
thought hiring help would be safer."
I throw up my hands in despair.
I hate disorganization, and
some of my headmates are
a simmering crockpot of chaos.
"Fine. Whatever," I say.
"Just stay out of my hair
while I try to figure out how
to keep the outstanding checks
from bouncing and costing us
even more money."
"Okay," Keane says quietly,
and his bedroom door
clicks shut behind him.
I turn my attention back to front,
shaking the body out of its daze, then
plunk down hard in the desk chair
so I can start sorting things out.
My tush twinges unpleasantly
and I stand right back up,
trying to rub it away.
But Keane doesn't come out
to deal with the pain.
Well ... drat.
* * *
Notes:
Shadowplay (Delonda Barros) -- She has dusky skin, brown eyes, and long straight black hair. She is mixed race including black and Hispanic. Bullied because of her superpowers, she dropped out of high school and sought work that did not require a degree. Shadowplay discovered a talent for kink play and turned that into a successful career. She lives in Urbanburg, where she works as a professional dominatrix.
Origin: She developed pityriasis alba as a tween, and sought medical attention for the rash and pale spots they left behind. A new medication being tried out for cases of hypopigmentation created an unusual reaction which left her with superpowers.
Uniform: On duty, she dresses in sexy black krevel and dexflan. Off duty, she still likes black but also ivory or a Mexican palette of colors.
Qualities: Master (+6) Trustworthy, Expert (+4) Dominatrix, Expert (+4) Emotional Intelligence, Good (+2) Intimacy Skills, Good (+2) Leathercrafts, Good (+2) Strength
Poor (-2) High School Dropout
Powers: Average (0) Shadow Powers
Motivation: To help people deal with the darkness within.
* * *
"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom."
-- Rumi
Self-harm can happen for many reasons. In Keane's case, he needs pain to fuel his superpowers, hold onto front, and do some crucial headwork. Self-injury is one way to accomplish that, but it has drawbacks. The Hurt Yourself Less Workbook was designed by and for people who hurt themselves and want to reduce it.
Self-harm is challenging but not impossible to manage. The use of no-harm contracts in therapy has raised serious concerns, because it can make matters worse. Often it imposes on a relationship that doesn't exit yet, and thereby prevents the formation of a supportive relationship between therapist and client. It also demands that people solve their own problems before they are permitted any help for their problems! The results of this can be disastrous. It happens less often in Terramagne-America than in local-America, but it still happens; Cassandra has mentioned running afoul of this therapeutic abuse, and sure enough, it made her feel worse.
Some people use contracts for kink. These facilitate discussion of desires and plans, thus maximizing the chance of safe fun. Here is a checklist of activities and a sample contract.
BDSM has multiple benefits, and people may explore it for different reasons. There are beginner tips for doms, tops, submissives, and bottoms. See text and cartoon lists of safety tips. It is important that everyone understand endorphin levels and aftercare.
This is the entrance to the dungeon. Stairs lead down to the couch in the entryway. See the equipment room, play room, and bedroom. These are the kink toys offered to Keane for his first scene.
Submitting to pain is part of kink for most people who take the receptive role, although some people have other goals. Processing pain can be done in negative ways (which blunt the sensation) or positive ways (which don't). Learning these techniques makes it easier to access the benefits of pain play. Some factors can still interfere with pain processing, which makes it difficult to enjoy a scene. Bottoms often seek to skirt the edge of what they can handle.
Traumatic stress can cause a spectrum of effects ranging from acute stress reaction (a normal response that fades after a few days) through acute stress disorder (a "stuck" crisis state that lasts up to a month), PTSD (a "stuck" crisis state lasting more than one month), to PDSD (a "stuck" crisis state involving repeated traumatic experiences over time). In this case, Damask have traumatic stress, but not a disorder, because the problems are troubling but not debilitating and are getting better over time as the headmates work through them. This does not make it okay to ignore the problems, which are liable to get worse if left untended. PTSD is fundamentally a failure of processing that happens inside the brain. When the mind cannot file traumatic memories properly, then they don't integrate into experience, which disrupts the ability to recognize context. The events get "stuck" in a processing loop within the mind, which turns those memories into triggers that cause flashbacks. Some new therapies focus on the body as a way to "unstick" those memories and thus heal the mind. That's exactly what Keane is doing, only instead of conventional therapy, he's hiring someone to beat him in order to knock things loose so he can put them away properly. This works, and he's not the only person it works for.
Difficult emotions are challenging, but accepting them is necessary for good mental health. Mindfulness offers steps to work with them, and that involves learning to sit with painful feelings. Here Keane uses physical pain to achieve catharsis, which relieves pressure and can facilitate sorting processes in the mind. Many people who are into BDSM appreciate it for this reason, in addition to or instead of the erotic aspects. It's just a way of kicking the brain machine until it starts working.
Ideally, you should also understand how to handle other people's difficult emotions. Be prepared to sit with their pain and validate it. Remind them that it's okay to cry, everyone does it, and it helps. Even if you cannot fix the source of their pain, you can provide a nonanxious presence so that at least they are not alone with it.
BDSM can help people heal in many ways. It has been used in therapeutic contexts. Finding this type of therapy is a little easier in T-America than in L-America, but it's still not prevalent. Due to the context of trust and psychological awareness, kink can be useful in recovering from rape and other types of trauma. Keane finds it very soothing and supportive after his experiences with kidnapping, mindrape, and let's not forget his headmates picking on him all the time.
Lotion is advised as aftercare for the skin following a play session. Gentle touch also contributes to emotional aftercare, assisting the bottom in the return to everyday headspace.
Conflict is a natural and necessary part of family life, households, and other relationships. It has a range of healthy to unhealthy forms. Know the signs of fighting dirty. Keane's headmates resort to a lot of dirty tricks; in particular, this is the first time we see Clarity (who is typically calm) throwing a fit. Healthy relationships require that people fight fair. Learn how to improve communication, reduce family arguments, and mediate between relatives when necessary.
Scapegoating is a psychological process in which one person or headmate takes on the burden of everyone's problems. In multiple personalities, the system scapegoat serves this purpose. Keane is not bad, it's just that he deals with a lot of dark stuff, his methods bug the other headmates, and they really don't appreciate yet how much good he's doing. Scapegoating is particularly common in cases of bereavement, which relates to what happened with Maisie getting chopped into several pieces. There are ways to overcome the scapegoat role.
House rules are how the members of a multiple system maintain internal discipline. Almost every system establishes House Rule #1: Do Not Harm the Body. This supports both survival and convincing other people to tolerate the system rather than locking them up as a threat. However, it undermines many forms of self-expression such as kink and body modification; and it puts tremendous pressure on headmates who manifest (often communal) trauma through destructive habits. Everyone else crapping on Keane about this is not helping. Trying to be someone you're not is life-destroying. They need to sit down together and discuss how he can meet his needs in acceptable ways.
grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 06:10 am (UTC)Re: grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 06:14 am (UTC)For many of the same reasons people usually ignore a scapegoat:
* His behavior annoys them.
* They don't want to deal with their own shit, and blaming him is easier.
* They don't realize how much good he is doing, or how much harm they are doing.
Now add in the fact that none of the headmates are whole people, not because they're "fragments" but because Maisie got sliced into six new people, each of whom had some but not all of her knowledge and skills. That means they don't have a complete set of people skills and problem-solving techniques, so they're making a lot of mistakes due to those lacks.
>> he's going to get worse id they don't try and listen when he talks <<
No shit. This is why they need therapy. Dr. G can help a lot. And one of the first things he'll have to do is find a crowbar to pull everyone's head out of their ass on this issue.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 07:17 am (UTC)I loved the kinky bits, and I really REALLY love Shadowplay, Clarity dropping Keane on his head made me mad, though I can see why 100 dollars disappearing from a limited budget without anyone saying anything would be upsetting and frustrating, it probably wouldn't have gotten to that point if at least one of the other headmates had taken the time to actually LISTEN to Keane over the SI issue instead of just all flipping their lids and ganging up on him, there are ways to make SI less risky... but I think Keane NEEDED the aftercare just as much as the kink so, yeah.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 08:10 am (UTC)Sooth.
>> though part of me worries that Keane will just curl up in his head room and refuse to come out before they're going to notice they have a problem. <<
I don't think he will, because he has shown considerable determination in trying different solutions. Curl up for a while, yes. But if Clarity fell down the stairs, Keane would have the body before they hit the landing.
>> I wonder how Dr. G or anyone really will be able to get them to the point of trust where they can even *admit* they need some help let alone *commit* to help...that should be interesting! <<
Well, they've gotten far enough to talk with him. They do know that their current situation is not good, that they're not doing well enough at fixing it, and they like the idea of getting help. It's just hard to get past the fear of things going wrong.
>> I loved the kinky bits, and I really REALLY love Shadowplay, <<
Yay! She is fun to write.
>> Clarity dropping Keane on his head made me mad,
though I can see why 100 dollars disappearing from a limited budget without anyone saying anything would be upsetting and frustrating, <<
Yes, it's a problem, and that is not the first or fifteenth time that multiplicity has borked their bank account. That's very frustrating for Clarity and problematic for everyone. It's not deliberate on anyone's part, though; they just haven't learned to cooperate well enough yet.
Clarity's expression of this feeling was way out of line. It just made a bad situation worse, especially because when someone that calm throws a tantrum, it blindsides everyone.
>> it probably wouldn't have gotten to that point if at least one of the other headmates had taken the time to actually LISTEN to Keane over the SI issue instead of just all flipping their lids and ganging up on him, <<
Absolutely true. They need to improve their communication skills. They also need to learn about self-injury and how to cope with it better.
>> there are ways to make SI less risky... <<
There's no reason people can't do bloodsports if they enjoy that. It is frankly safer and more honest than what they usually do, which is stuff like extreme skateboarding where you could break your neck when what you subconsciously want is a few scrapes. What Keane really wants is the pain, though; he's not as specifically focused on blood as Shiv. It is much easier to achieve pain safely, compared to actual bloodsports. Keane's current solution is ideal. It's just a matter of convincing his headmates of that.
>> but I think Keane NEEDED the aftercare just as much as the kink so, yeah. <<
Absolutely. That's unlikely to change. He needs someone to take care of him, because he's normally the one cleaning up after everyone else.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 01:04 am (UTC)>>none of the headmates are whole people<<
>>because Maisie got sliced into six new people, each of whom had some but not all of her knowledge and skills. That means they don't have a complete set of people skills and problem-solving techniques, so they're making a lot of mistakes due to those lacks.<<
Could you explain your reasoning there?
I don't understand how not having those skills would make them not-whole people, because those are acquired skills for a lot of people and if they *are* separate from Maisie then there isn't a lot of reason to expect them to have those skills developed, regardless of sharing Maisie's body or some of her knowledge/memories.
IMO, the loss would put them at the level of a kid who hasn't developed those skills yet, or an adult who never learned them well or lost them for whatever reason, and in any of those situations they wouldn't be considered less of person for lacking those skillsets.
That aside, it's made a ton of people extremely uncomfortable that you're qualifying them as people, but not whole people, for reasons related to audience-perceptions of body-sharing groups along with ethics of qualifying personhood that I really don't want/have time to wordwall you with.
The rest of your story lines and comments have led people to believe you're good with respecting others and their experiences (along with personhood), so hopefully this is just an oversight or really big misunderstanding. Either way, I thought it'd be better to ask.
- Crow
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 02:01 am (UTC)Okay ...
>> Could you explain your reasoning there?
I don't understand how not having those skills would make them not-whole people, because those are acquired skills for a lot of people and if they *are* separate from Maisie then there isn't a lot of reason to expect them to have those skills developed, regardless of sharing Maisie's body or some of her knowledge/memories. <<
It's not the lack of this or that skill set; they each have a different mix. It's that Mindflare took one person, Maisie, and sliced her into a bunch of smaller pieces, plus a sizable chunk of his own energy (has the Frangible weakness) and their new superpowers as well. So each of the headmates had, at the time of that incident, 1/6th-and-a-bit of the life resources that an average college student would have. That level of trauma is one reason it took them a while to start discovering each other.
On the bright side, minds -- like bodies -- do regenerate. Each of the headmates has pursued their own interests and thus developed new skills. Erm, just realized I haven't updated their character sheet, I should do that sometime. They'll wind up filling in many of the same skills Maisie had, but not necessarily in the same way. Dr. G and Heron have also encouraged them to do some crosstraining, i.e. make sure everyone has basic self-defense so they don't screw up Ham's job, and basic first aid so they don't screw up Clement's. That will help give them common ground as a group, in addition to their individual skills.
>>IMO, the loss would put them at the level of a kid who hasn't developed those skills yet, or an adult who never learned them well or lost them for whatever reason, and in any of those situations they wouldn't be considered less of person for lacking those skillsets.<<
Closer to an adult who had them and lost them. You can see the headmates tripping over stuff they don't have, that Maisie had, and it bothers them sometimes. But again, the reference to not being whole comes from their origin story. A child who hadn't learned the skills yet probably wouldn't feel less than whole, unless adults described it that way (a problem with some disabilities). Adults who lose skills often feel less than whole. Coping with that, and relearning the skill or finding something else to do, are part of the process of adapting to an acquired disability. Over in Shiv's thread, Ragno lost a hand and is struggling with this. He'll get through and eventually quit thinking that way.
There are different aspects of wholeness here: the mass of energy that makes up a person (which is what Mindflare sliced apart), a person's feeling of identity (which none of the headmates feel whole regarding, but that will change over time), and social perception of wholeness or personhood (which they don't actually seem to have problems with, as nobody is mistreating them, although it's something they worry about). Each of these poses its own challenges, not least because English is not the best language for discussing nonphysical things or types of psychological existence.
>>That aside, it's made a ton of people extremely uncomfortable that you're qualifying them as people, but not whole people, for reasons related to audience-perceptions of body-sharing groups along with ethics of qualifying personhood that I really don't want/have time to wordwall you with.<<
Not sure if you meant for me to skip this too, but I suspect it may bring up another aspect of wholeness, which is there's a difference between the body/mind, that may or may not have all the parts considered standard for a human; and personhood as a legal and social concept. Someone who's lost their legs no longer has a whole body. That doesn't make them less of a person, although some bigots will act like it does. And if you stifle people because you don't consider them important enough, that prevents the kind of "whole person" growth that psychologists like to talk about, which is not good.
That brings us back around to the headmates feeling off-balance because their origin divided one person's worth of resources among six and the shapes aren't even. However, this is something they could fix, much the way a college student might ordinarily look at a developmental chart and map their progress in each area. Ham got a lot of the physical skills, Maze got a lot of the interpersonal skills, so they could work on relearning what they didn't get in the split. Not having one area doesn't make you a nonperson, but it can make your life uncomfortable, which is why people often want to change that.
It's kind of like starfish regeneration. If a predator bites off part of a starfish, the starfish is not whole, but it is still a starfish. Should it survive the attack, the starfish can regrow a lost arm -- and a lost arm can regrow a whole starfish! In this case, the headmates are in the position of needing to regrow the rest of the starfish. That doesn't always happen evenly.
Wholeness, identity, body image, how people are treated socially or legally -- these are very controversial issues in mental and physical disability. People have very different theories, perspectives, and experiences. What I was aiming for here in talking about the headmates not being whole people, but being different from what the multiple community calls fragments (who tend to have one specific function and not grow beyond it), relates to the more literal part of the origin story. But it does touch on feelings of loss that most people experience after a major trauma, and then it's hard to get away from society's bad habit of treating imperfections as grounds for abusing people. 0_o
>>The rest of your story lines and comments have led people to believe you're good with respecting others and their experiences (along with personhood), so hopefully this is just an oversight or really big misunderstanding. Either way, I thought it'd be better to ask.<<
I seem to do well most of the time. That doesn't mean it's always perfect or nobody will disagree with it.
Can you think of a better way to describe the result of superpowers slicing one mind into six who now feel awkward about what they can and can't do?
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 06:42 am (UTC)It's been known since the time of Seneca at least that catharsis is good for the soul. Whether that comes intellectually or physically is ... kinda up to the individual. Frankly, it took me rather a long while to get from goody-two-shoes to being comfortable with a limited amount IRL and seriously enjoying the reading of some pretty intense scenes.... though I will admit the best part of this scene for me got the reaction "Yeah, she seriously knows her aftercare, doesn't she?"
Damask have a serious trust problem. This is gonna be a lot of hard work, and .... aha. They don't trust anyone else either, much less each other. That's gonna be the trick, is finding someone that they can *all* come to trust, as a mediator.
... which I am realising is *why* I'm comfortable reading scenes like this. Yeah, it's intense... but just as Keane trusted Shadowplay to bring him out the other side, so do I trust Ysabet (and a few other authors, at least one of whom is probably reading this) to bring *me* out the other side of the story.
Trust is key. If they don't find it *reasonably* soon, I don't like where that will take them. (At least Mallory has Heron, now that Damask have kinda dropped out of her storyline.) Thankfully, T-America isn't quite so bad about letting people fall through the cracks... but you still have to reach for it.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2016-12-06 07:51 am (UTC)They seem to be, yes. Ham might be up for things like wallsex, and Clement would probably enjoy sensation play, but I think Keane got most or all of the masochism. That's kind of sad, because most of them wish to be seen and nothing gives you 100% of someone's attention like bottoming.
>> It's been known since the time of Seneca at least that catharsis is good for the soul. Whether that comes intellectually or physically is ... kinda up to the individual.<<
True.
>> Frankly, it took me rather a long while to get from goody-two-shoes to being comfortable with a limited amount IRL and seriously enjoying the reading of some pretty intense scenes.... though I will admit the best part of this scene for me got the reaction "Yeah, she seriously knows her aftercare, doesn't she?" <<
I love writing detailed aftercare scenes, because they're excellent for vicarious care of readers who can't get the personal time they really need. Also I wanted to show how a good dom handles a scene, after the way Lupe Hedone dropped Gray on his head.
>> Damask have a serious trust problem. <<
They do. I think that's a combination of missing important skills due to the division, and the trauma itself damaging their boundaries.
>> This is gonna be a lot of hard work, and .... aha. <<
Yes it is.
>> They don't trust anyone else either, much less each other. That's gonna be the trick, is finding someone that they can *all* come to trust, as a mediator. <<
They do trust other people, not just in the ways they need.
They have a household that functions well above college-standard here, and probably a little above average even in T-America. So for instance, they trust their housemates to do the chores most of the time, cook meals without lighting the kitchen on fire, pay the rent on time, and not break into anyone's room.
Maisie's family is healthy and trustworthy, with no more than a normal amount of peskiness; it's the shame and pain and confusion surrounding the trauma that makes Damask feel they can't talk with their relatives. Okay, they're hesitating because they know people will freak out over the news of Maisie's death; that's inevitable. But it doesn't make the family untrustworthy, just human.
The problems Damask are having:
They can't trust each other. This is not just due to a shortage of people skills, but also because other missing skills make them less reliable, and the multiplicity just compounds that. They won't be able to trust each other fully until they can shore up their skills enough to stop hurting each other and screwing up each other's lives.
They're having a hard time trusting people who want to help them, because of the trauma making them twitchy, but also because their first attempt reaching out after the immediate crisis passed was a complete disaster. They're not just afraid of someone handling it badly; they're afraid of hurting someone else. That makes it hard for them to let Heron in. Dr. G is easier precisely because he is doing it long-distance.
>> ... which I am realising is *why* I'm comfortable reading scenes like this. Yeah, it's intense... but just as Keane trusted Shadowplay to bring him out the other side, so do I trust Ysabet (and a few other authors, at least one of whom is probably reading this) to bring *me* out the other side of the story. <<
I am honored.
>> Trust is key. <<
Sooth.
>> If they don't find it *reasonably* soon, I don't like where that will take them. <<
They are making progress. They're just stepping all over each other while doing that.
>> (At least Mallory has Heron, now that Damask have kinda dropped out of her storyline.) <<
I think Damask are trying to avoid disrupting that very delicate development, thus staying out of the way some of the time.
>> Thankfully, T-America isn't quite so bad about letting people fall through the cracks... but you still have to reach for it. <<
Which is a problem if people have learned not to do that. T-America does have more resources to find people and let them know help is available, but it's less inclined to force "help" on anyone short of emergencies. They've had too many examples like what happened between Officer Pink and Turq; they know why it's a bad idea.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 04:46 pm (UTC)I needed that. As Keane slowly came down, *so did I*... a very grounding piece, though you wouldn't think it from the subject matter... and perhaps I learnt something.
*squish* thank you.
Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 07:45 pm (UTC)Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 07:55 pm (UTC)Re: grrrrr
Date: 2017-03-12 07:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-12-07 03:51 am (UTC)-> exist yet
(no subject)
Date: 2016-12-06 12:26 pm (UTC)The nyt link that's supposed to be in this has some kind of error. I got to it by looking at the sourcecode, and the article twisted my brainmeats. Thank you.
Edit to add:
Maybe Keane could make money for sessions by designing Tattoos? Or would keeping a stash like that cause more problems?
Thank you!
Date: 2016-12-06 06:45 pm (UTC)Sorry about that, known bug. I have fixed it now.
>> Maybe Keane could make money for sessions by designing Tattoos? Or would keeping a stash like that cause more problems? <<
I think Clement got most or all of the artistic ability. However, the idea of the headmates earning money separately has merit. What they need to do is work out individual and communal budgets, much the way married couples or sharehouses do. They're not quite that far along yet, but at least it is a solution which will make sense to Clarity as soon as anyone else proposes it, and from there the other headmates should pick it up.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-08-13 12:05 am (UTC)Fixed!
Date: 2018-08-13 01:12 am (UTC)*scream*
Date: 2020-05-15 10:36 pm (UTC)I'm so happy for Keane getting to process some very horrific things and that he got such good aftercare. It was lovely to read. But what was even better was Keane leaving Clarity to deal with the host body's pain for once.
I hope there is more of Shadowplay and Keane because their relationship is wonderful to see develop.
Continuing onto the next poem :)
~Angel
Re: *scream*
Date: 2020-05-15 11:01 pm (UTC)1) A pretty complete set of social skills got divided, unequally, among 6 new people. The results are undermining the development of healthy system interactions.
2) He actually is the source for lots of solution-caused problems. This is one of the things that makes for a system scapegoat.
3) They have a very hard time understanding what Keane does for them, even when he explains it, because they don't have those skills or references anymore -- at least, not without reprising them, which would be a very good idea. They know that his job is to handle pain, and it's uncomfortable when he does it, but they can't see all the connections or how much good it does under the surface. It is going to take a more sophisticated therapist to get that across, later.
And eventually someone just gets sick of everyone picking on Keane and starts bitch-slapping. ;)
>> So what if he put aside 100 dollars for expressive therapy? Surely Clarity has ideas on how Damask can earn money, right? <<
Actually, no. They're a broke college student. They're not going to go homeless or hungry, but they have limited funds for things like clothes, school supplies, parking, entertainment, etc. When I was in college, I had a parking budget per day, and IF there was any left over, that was my pocket money.
Damask neither has a lot of money, nor easy prospects for getting more that don't involve begging parents who don't know what's going on. You can well imagine how none of them want parental oversight of finances right now!
>> Do Damask feel better as a whole because of said expressive therapy? Or do they not care enough to look? <<
They will once it settles, but like any therapy, pinning down exact cause and effect is hard.
Shiv is doing a ton better now than a year or two ago, but with a few exceptions, he couldn't point to a single session and say, "X helped with Y." He spent the first several months "not doing anything" from his perspective, other than a few instances of emergency problem-solving. He and Dr. G chatted casually, drew pictures, and so on. Dr. G has explained that was about trustbuilding, which he was willing to take as much time as it took before Shiv started coming to him with problems to solve, but that's hard for Shiv to understand because he just doesn't have enough background in what trust is or how it works.
Same with Keane and Damask. Keane is doing important stuff, and it's helping, but the side effects are often unpleasant and other headmates don't have the background knowledge to understand it. So they blame Keane the way Shiv has started blaming Dr. G for the increase in emotional meltdowns, only Keane has a lot less ability to lay foundations than Dr. G.
>> I'm so happy for Keane getting to process some very horrific things and that he got such good aftercare. It was lovely to read.<<
Yay! \o/
If you like this stuff, wait until you see Shiv with Pain's Gray. ;)
>> But what was even better was Keane leaving Clarity to deal with the host body's pain for once.<<
Heh, yeah. He starts doing that so they'll feel what he's been doing now that it's not there for a moment.
>> I hope there is more of Shadowplay and Keane because their relationship is wonderful to see develop.<<
Not so far, because the headmates threw another shitfit about his latest solution. Which sucks, because aside from the budgeting issues, it worked.