ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
This poem belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," and "Happy Hour."

Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bruce Banner, Hulk, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Betty Ross.
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: A majority of this poem is sad, because Bruce's past and his head are both unhappy places, although it has a happy ending. That said, going inside Bruce's messed-up mind requires warnings, some of which are spoilers; highlight to read them. This poem mentions child abuse, domestic violence, parental death, homelessness, extreme poverty, self-hatred, deep depression, self-destruction and self-harm, chronic emotional suppression, mass destruction, casualties, attempted suicide, colonization, grief, childhood marriage, betrayal, childlessness, victimization, learned helplessness, lies, dysfunctional family dynamics, and killing dreams. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading further.
Summary: Bruce spends years on the run, hunted and hurting, trying to make the world a better place anyhow. Then the Avengers happen, and things begin to get better, and Bruce does not know what to do with that.
Notes: Bruce!whump. ALL THE FEELS. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Alienation. Regrets. Multiplicity/Plurality. Travel. Friendship. Confusion. Caregiving. Communication. Anger management issues. Running away from problems. Nobody listens to Bruce. Loss of control. Saving the world. Insomnia. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Science bros. Fear of punishment. Surprises. Love. Bruce Banner needs a hug. Hulk needs a hug. #coulsonlives.

Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Here ends "Saudades."  Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.

A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.  Comment below or use the poll.

Next up will be "Hairpins," a story about Phil realizing that JARVIS is a person, set during "Love Is for Children."  Read "Green Eggs and Hulk," chronologically following "Hide and Seek." 


"Saudades" Part 6


Stark has become Tony,
has chosen to invite Bruce
into his life, into the hidden spaces
beneath and behind the armor,
leading him by the hand
because they are both scared
and want something familiar to cling to.

They have, somehow, become that --
familiar, a little fond, two tattered men
puttering around each other's labs
and calling each other "science bro" --
and it helps, just a bit, it does.

Tenho saudades de você,
Bruce thinks of his mother again,
remembering the illusion of safety
and the truth of love taken away too soon.
I miss you.

He expects to be scolded
(someone always scolds him)
but the harsh words never come
and the blows never fall.

It takes time
to learn to relax,
to remember how to play again,
but Uncle Phil gives him that.

Uncle Phil gives him everything --
comfort food and fun games,
a coffee table to hide under,
soft brown jammies to snuggle in,
and as much cuddling as
Bruce can bring himself to accept.

It's strange,
how much this matters;
what should seem silly is instead
far more meaningful
than most of his whole life.

His heart, long cramped,
begins to tingle and revive,
sharp as pins and needles.

By the time Bruce scrapes his knee
he is ready to cry over it,
to let something out
instead of holding it in
to join the sea of rage and pain
that still lies within himself.

Uncle Phil is there
with gentle hugs and
cartoon band-aids
and for once,
Bruce actually feels better.

There is still something missing,
but he does not let himself think of that.

They catch him completely by surprise;
Bruce does not know
what Phil and Tony have done
until they return to the tower
with Betty in tow.

Betty.

Bruce's heart swells with joy
until he thinks that he might die of it,
this moment of perfect happiness
in which no rage remains.

Reuniting with Betty
is what truly teaches him
to believe in hope once more,
to understand what it means
to go from sweet to bitter to sweet again.

This is what I needed, Bruce thinks,
matar as saudades de alguém,
as Betty's small soft hands
pat their way across his body
to reassure herself that he is uninjured,
to kill the sorrows,
to catch up with somebody
.

They are not all dead,
his sorrows and regrets,
his misses and memories,
but they are at last

beginning to die down.

* * *

Notes:

This section of the poem brings the timeline up to "Love Is for Children."

Tenho saudades de você.
I miss you.
-- Saudade

Bruce shows many signs of past abuse. It can be challenging to help adult survivors of abuse and neglect. In particular, they often expect to be abused again. It's also hard on people responsible for parenting or disciplining abused children. Family and friends can help abuse victims.

Now the timeline is at "Dolls and Guys."

Hope is essential to a healthy life, but PTSD can create a sense of foreshortened future. There are ways to encourage resilience after trauma and to find hope again.

matar as saudades de alguém
Colloquially: "to catch up with somebody"
Literally: "to kill the longing for somebody"
-- Saudade

Reconnecting with friends is one step out of depression. Here are some tips for catching up with old friends.


~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~

Yes...

Date: 2014-02-07 06:42 am (UTC)
thnidu: plus sign (plus)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~

Indeed. Happy ending time.

Google Translate provides a more literal translation, what I expected from matar:
kill the longing for someone
Edited Date: 2014-02-07 06:43 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-07 08:19 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Sad and lovely. The format lends itself to Bruce's state of mind quite well. I have a feeling that this is the, hmm lightest isn't quite the word I want, least bleak approach. The beauty of the construction compensates for the sadness, which makes it easier to read for me. Great work!
Giddyant

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-07 11:09 am (UTC)
chanter1944: a Band of Brothers appreciation icon highlighting Gene Roe (BoB: my fandom needs some scissors!)
From: [personal profile] chanter1944
I've been reading this one right along. Yes, it's dark and achingly sorrowful, but it's also amazingly lyrical and beautiful even before the language snippets come into play. :) Very much a fan of this one.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-07 03:47 pm (UTC)
redsixwing: A red knotwork emblem. (Default)
From: [personal profile] redsixwing
>>this moment of perfect happiness
in which no rage remains.<<

Reading in, I think even Hulk is happy in this moment. I'm so glad they got to experience that, and may they experience many more.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-07 04:16 pm (UTC)
mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)
From: [personal profile] mdlbear
I liked this series *a whole lot*. I somehow managed to fall behind on "Hide and Seek" and haven't finished it yet; the shorter but more intense format of poetry helped suck me back in. Thank you.

Re: Thank you!

Date: 2014-02-07 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I was curious why you chose the poem format for this particular story, but I decided I'd wait and finish reading it before I posted a question about it. I'm noticing that it allowed you to cover a really long time period without getting into a lot of detail about specific events. We know the events, from the movies and from the previous stories in the series. What you wanted to focus on was a large-scale emotional arc. Telling a lot of prose detail about what happened and who said/did what would have just been distracting. Is that the idea?

Santosha

Re: Thank you!

Date: 2014-02-08 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I see! thank you!

and by the way, I am totally excited that the next story is about Phil & Jarvis...

Re: Thank you!

Date: 2014-02-08 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
that's me, Santosha...

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-07 06:16 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] chordatesrock
That's very moving and I like the pins-and-needles analogy.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-13 12:05 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Wow, this was gorgeous! Thank you for another instalment!!

-A

(no subject)

Date: 2014-02-16 04:02 am (UTC)
helgatwb: Drawing of Helga, holding her sword, looking upset. (Default)
From: [personal profile] helgatwb
I don't even like poetry, but, but. This, oh this. I can't...I just.... Love. Okay, just.

I don't have the words to describe how much I loved this. It's so evocative and beautiful. It hurts, but. I love stories that make me feel what the characters are feeling and this does.

I'm sorry I'm so incoherent, you've left me speechless.

Re: Yay!

Date: 2014-02-17 02:37 am (UTC)
helgatwb: Drawing of Helga, holding her sword, looking upset. (Default)
From: [personal profile] helgatwb
Most of what I've read was foisted upon me by the American public school system, by way of the required reading lists for high school literature classes. It was mostly older, and left me feeling kind of blah. It wasn't evocative or narrative. If you have any recommendations, I'd be happy to hear them, but if you'd rather not, or don't have time, that's okay, too.

>> You might also like "Smultronstället" which is sweet rather than bitter. <<

I enjoyed it very much, it's beautiful.

I'm glad that you understood me.

Re: Yay!

Date: 2014-02-17 05:17 am (UTC)
helgatwb: Drawing of Helga, holding her sword, looking upset. (Default)
From: [personal profile] helgatwb
I have read some of the series, and enjoyed them. I can't read too much at one time, though, because it makes me think and feel. I have to read a little, and then process. I have read Polychrome Heroics, Aldornia and Zenobia, Alien Ants and Butterflies, some of An Army of One, and some of Kung Fu Robots. I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. You have a gift for showing an alien (in the sense of 'other') viewpoint. Alien Ants and Butterflies is my favorite. I love getting glimpses of other cultures and ways of thinking, especially non-human. Your writing touches on a lot of things that I enjoy reading about.

Thank you for the tips. I will do that, and see if I can't find some new favorites.

A long time to work through this--

Date: 2014-03-27 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Usually, I love poetry. I love it in narrative, abstract, rhyming, free verse, haiku... The sparse, deliberate use of every single word, no more than needed tends to amplify the impact and thus the emotions evoked.

Reading this was the 'best' kind of tough.

I could always empathize with Bruce, but sections of this left me feeling as if I were living under HIS skin. Powerful.

The ending is positive, but it doesn't feel resolved, which is great; it allowed me as a reader to focus more on what I know about the "Love is for Children" storyline, and "Green Eggs and Hulk," specifically, to sustain a positive, hopeful tone as I thought over the whole poem, and shake off the very, very triggery elements of the earlier parts.

Well, well written. Thank you.

-Sarah-

I like Saudades

Date: 2017-11-24 10:39 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
This story was so beautifully written and I love that you used poetry to write something about Hulk. He might be a "green beast" when you don't know him but he is in fact really emotional, not cold at all. Thank you.
ChickaDelSol

still recapping

Date: 2018-09-28 01:05 am (UTC)
ephany: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ephany
I'm loving my trip back through this series in chronological order. I must say this poem style isn't my favorite but the feelings you put into it are raw and so real. I am deeply enjoying my trip back through thank you so much.

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ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
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