Poem: "Saudades" Part 6
Feb. 7th, 2014 12:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
This poem belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," and "Happy Hour."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bruce Banner, Hulk, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Betty Ross.
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: A majority of this poem is sad, because Bruce's past and his head are both unhappy places, although it has a happy ending. That said, going inside Bruce's messed-up mind requires warnings, some of which are spoilers; highlight to read them. This poem mentions child abuse, domestic violence, parental death, homelessness, extreme poverty, self-hatred, deep depression, self-destruction and self-harm, chronic emotional suppression, mass destruction, casualties, attempted suicide, colonization, grief, childhood marriage, betrayal, childlessness, victimization, learned helplessness, lies, dysfunctional family dynamics, and killing dreams. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading further.
Summary: Bruce spends years on the run, hunted and hurting, trying to make the world a better place anyhow. Then the Avengers happen, and things begin to get better, and Bruce does not know what to do with that.
Notes: Bruce!whump. ALL THE FEELS. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Alienation. Regrets. Multiplicity/Plurality. Travel. Friendship. Confusion. Caregiving. Communication. Anger management issues. Running away from problems. Nobody listens to Bruce. Loss of control. Saving the world. Insomnia. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Science bros. Fear of punishment. Surprises. Love. Bruce Banner needs a hug. Hulk needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
Here ends "Saudades." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle. Comment below or use the poll.
Next up will be "Hairpins," a story about Phil realizing that JARVIS is a person, set during "Love Is for Children." Read "Green Eggs and Hulk," chronologically following "Hide and Seek."
"Saudades" Part 6
Stark has become Tony,
has chosen to invite Bruce
into his life, into the hidden spaces
beneath and behind the armor,
leading him by the hand
because they are both scared
and want something familiar to cling to.
They have, somehow, become that --
familiar, a little fond, two tattered men
puttering around each other's labs
and calling each other "science bro" --
and it helps, just a bit, it does.
Tenho saudades de você,
Bruce thinks of his mother again,
remembering the illusion of safety
and the truth of love taken away too soon.
I miss you.
He expects to be scolded
(someone always scolds him)
but the harsh words never come
and the blows never fall.
It takes time
to learn to relax,
to remember how to play again,
but Uncle Phil gives him that.
Uncle Phil gives him everything --
comfort food and fun games,
a coffee table to hide under,
soft brown jammies to snuggle in,
and as much cuddling as
Bruce can bring himself to accept.
It's strange,
how much this matters;
what should seem silly is instead
far more meaningful
than most of his whole life.
His heart, long cramped,
begins to tingle and revive,
sharp as pins and needles.
By the time Bruce scrapes his knee
he is ready to cry over it,
to let something out
instead of holding it in
to join the sea of rage and pain
that still lies within himself.
Uncle Phil is there
with gentle hugs and
cartoon band-aids
and for once,
Bruce actually feels better.
There is still something missing,
but he does not let himself think of that.
They catch him completely by surprise;
Bruce does not know
what Phil and Tony have done
until they return to the tower
with Betty in tow.
Betty.
Bruce's heart swells with joy
until he thinks that he might die of it,
this moment of perfect happiness
in which no rage remains.
Reuniting with Betty
is what truly teaches him
to believe in hope once more,
to understand what it means
to go from sweet to bitter to sweet again.
This is what I needed, Bruce thinks,
matar as saudades de alguém,
as Betty's small soft hands
pat their way across his body
to reassure herself that he is uninjured,
to kill the sorrows,
to catch up with somebody.
They are not all dead,
his sorrows and regrets,
his misses and memories,
but they are at last
beginning to die down.
* * *
Notes:
This section of the poem brings the timeline up to "Love Is for Children."
Tenho saudades de você.
I miss you.
-- Saudade
Bruce shows many signs of past abuse. It can be challenging to help adult survivors of abuse and neglect. In particular, they often expect to be abused again. It's also hard on people responsible for parenting or disciplining abused children. Family and friends can help abuse victims.
Now the timeline is at "Dolls and Guys."
Hope is essential to a healthy life, but PTSD can create a sense of foreshortened future. There are ways to encourage resilience after trauma and to find hope again.
matar as saudades de alguém
Colloquially: "to catch up with somebody"
Literally: "to kill the longing for somebody"
-- Saudade
Reconnecting with friends is one step out of depression. Here are some tips for catching up with old friends.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bruce Banner, Hulk, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Betty Ross.
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: A majority of this poem is sad, because Bruce's past and his head are both unhappy places, although it has a happy ending. That said, going inside Bruce's messed-up mind requires warnings, some of which are spoilers; highlight to read them. This poem mentions child abuse, domestic violence, parental death, homelessness, extreme poverty, self-hatred, deep depression, self-destruction and self-harm, chronic emotional suppression, mass destruction, casualties, attempted suicide, colonization, grief, childhood marriage, betrayal, childlessness, victimization, learned helplessness, lies, dysfunctional family dynamics, and killing dreams. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading further.
Summary: Bruce spends years on the run, hunted and hurting, trying to make the world a better place anyhow. Then the Avengers happen, and things begin to get better, and Bruce does not know what to do with that.
Notes: Bruce!whump. ALL THE FEELS. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Alienation. Regrets. Multiplicity/Plurality. Travel. Friendship. Confusion. Caregiving. Communication. Anger management issues. Running away from problems. Nobody listens to Bruce. Loss of control. Saving the world. Insomnia. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Science bros. Fear of punishment. Surprises. Love. Bruce Banner needs a hug. Hulk needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
Here ends "Saudades." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle. Comment below or use the poll.
"Saudades" Part 6
Stark has become Tony,
has chosen to invite Bruce
into his life, into the hidden spaces
beneath and behind the armor,
leading him by the hand
because they are both scared
and want something familiar to cling to.
They have, somehow, become that --
familiar, a little fond, two tattered men
puttering around each other's labs
and calling each other "science bro" --
and it helps, just a bit, it does.
Tenho saudades de você,
Bruce thinks of his mother again,
remembering the illusion of safety
and the truth of love taken away too soon.
I miss you.
He expects to be scolded
(someone always scolds him)
but the harsh words never come
and the blows never fall.
It takes time
to learn to relax,
to remember how to play again,
but Uncle Phil gives him that.
Uncle Phil gives him everything --
comfort food and fun games,
a coffee table to hide under,
soft brown jammies to snuggle in,
and as much cuddling as
Bruce can bring himself to accept.
It's strange,
how much this matters;
what should seem silly is instead
far more meaningful
than most of his whole life.
His heart, long cramped,
begins to tingle and revive,
sharp as pins and needles.
By the time Bruce scrapes his knee
he is ready to cry over it,
to let something out
instead of holding it in
to join the sea of rage and pain
that still lies within himself.
Uncle Phil is there
with gentle hugs and
cartoon band-aids
and for once,
Bruce actually feels better.
There is still something missing,
but he does not let himself think of that.
They catch him completely by surprise;
Bruce does not know
what Phil and Tony have done
until they return to the tower
with Betty in tow.
Betty.
Bruce's heart swells with joy
until he thinks that he might die of it,
this moment of perfect happiness
in which no rage remains.
Reuniting with Betty
is what truly teaches him
to believe in hope once more,
to understand what it means
to go from sweet to bitter to sweet again.
This is what I needed, Bruce thinks,
matar as saudades de alguém,
as Betty's small soft hands
pat their way across his body
to reassure herself that he is uninjured,
to kill the sorrows,
to catch up with somebody.
They are not all dead,
his sorrows and regrets,
his misses and memories,
but they are at last
beginning to die down.
* * *
Notes:
This section of the poem brings the timeline up to "Love Is for Children."
Tenho saudades de você.
I miss you.
-- Saudade
Bruce shows many signs of past abuse. It can be challenging to help adult survivors of abuse and neglect. In particular, they often expect to be abused again. It's also hard on people responsible for parenting or disciplining abused children. Family and friends can help abuse victims.
Now the timeline is at "Dolls and Guys."
Hope is essential to a healthy life, but PTSD can create a sense of foreshortened future. There are ways to encourage resilience after trauma and to find hope again.
matar as saudades de alguém
Colloquially: "to catch up with somebody"
Literally: "to kill the longing for somebody"
-- Saudade
Reconnecting with friends is one step out of depression. Here are some tips for catching up with old friends.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
Yes...
Date: 2014-02-07 06:42 am (UTC)Indeed. Happy ending time.
Google Translate provides a more literal translation, what I expected from matar:
kill the longing for someone
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-02-07 06:48 am (UTC)Yay!
>> Google Translate provides a more literal translation, what I expected from matar:
kill the longing for someone <<
Yeah, the phrase comes up differently in different services. "To catch up with someone" is more colloquial, and "to kill the sorrows/longing" is more literal. I used "kill" in the poem but didn't repeat it in the translation. Hm. Should revise for colloquial and literal.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-07 08:19 am (UTC)Giddyant
Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-13 08:51 am (UTC)That's what I was aiming for. I'm glad it worked for you.
>> I have a feeling that this is the, hmm lightest isn't quite the word I want, least bleak approach. <<
Yeah, trying to do this in fiction would have been too long and too heavy.
>> The beauty of the construction compensates for the sadness, which makes it easier to read for me. Great work! <<
That's good to hear.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-07 11:09 am (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-07 10:14 pm (UTC)I'm happy to hear that.
>> Yes, it's dark and achingly sorrowful, but it's also amazingly lyrical and beautiful even before the language snippets come into play. :) Very much a fan of this one. <<
Yay! I wanted to take a look at the emotional character arc that brought Bruce-and-Hulk into this series. When I found the Portuguese vocabulary word, that seemed to encapsulate the whole idea, thus inspiring this poem.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-07 03:47 pm (UTC)in which no rage remains.<<
Reading in, I think even Hulk is happy in this moment. I'm so glad they got to experience that, and may they experience many more.
Yes...
Date: 2014-02-07 08:46 pm (UTC)You read that exactly right. It was a new experience for Bruce-and-Hulk.
>> I'm so glad they got to experience that, and may they experience many more. <<
Their situation is MUCH better now than it has been in the past.
* All their basic survival needs are met, such as food and shelter.
* So is the variable survival need of safety from threats, and a general sense of security (which they have trouble perceiving because it's so new, but they're learning).
* They have found-family to love, comfort, and protect them.
* They have opportunities to learn and grow in new directions, to heal past damage, and to make the world a better place.
Sometimes this scares Bruce-and-Hulk because they have not had much good in their life. They will get used to it eventually.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-07 04:16 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-07 08:19 pm (UTC)I find that a poem makes a good break or counterpoint in a batch of fiction, so I'm glad it can serve that purpose for readers too.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-07 11:01 pm (UTC)Santosha
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-07 11:08 pm (UTC)Because it had a one-word inspiration. I like writing vocabulary poems, and the keyword becomes the title. I've done a number of these. I find them ideal for exploring concepts that are obscure and complex, or as in this case, don't translate concisely into English.
>> I'm noticing that it allowed you to cover a really long time period without getting into a lot of detail about specific events. We know the events, from the movies and from the previous stories in the series. <<
I find that poetry is very good for condensing plot ...
>> What you wanted to focus on was a large-scale emotional arc. <<
... and expanding emotions or internal thought processes.
>> Telling a lot of prose detail about what happened and who said/did what would have just been distracting. Is that the idea? <<
So yes, this was part of the goal too. I'd been thinking for a while that more backstory would be good, but for Bruce-and-Hulk it's just a mass of complicated doom. This format let me convey the parts of that which were new and meaningful within this series' context, without bogging down on other stuff. We already know what happened, but canon doesn't go very far into how Bruce-and-Hulk felt about it. We can see from their actions that they must be trapped and desperate, but it's hard to tell the process from the outside. Poetry is really good at that kind of explication.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-08 08:22 pm (UTC)and by the way, I am totally excited that the next story is about Phil & Jarvis...
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-08 08:22 pm (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-02-09 07:06 am (UTC)Glad I could help.
>> and by the way, I am totally excited that the next story is about Phil & Jarvis... <<
Yay! People have been asking what it's like for various Avengers to "meet" JARVIS for the first time, or realize some time after introduction that he really is a person. I've known about this scene for a long time, and it seemed like a good one to showcase the effect.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-07 06:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-13 12:05 am (UTC)-A
You're welcome!
Date: 2014-02-13 12:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-02-16 04:02 am (UTC)I don't have the words to describe how much I loved this. It's so evocative and beautiful. It hurts, but. I love stories that make me feel what the characters are feeling and this does.
I'm sorry I'm so incoherent, you've left me speechless.
Yay!
Date: 2014-02-16 04:22 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed this so much.
Bear in mind that I don't write poetry in modern style; I have a much more classic background. So I do narrative poetry, I do different forms, I write things meant to be understood and enjoyed by a general audience. If what you have read of poetry is stuff written in recent decades, consider exploring wider. There is good stuff out there, even a bit that's modern, but a lot of older awesomeness.
>> I don't have the words to describe how much I loved this. It's so evocative and beautiful. It hurts, but. I love stories that make me feel what the characters are feeling and this does. <<
I'm happy to hear that. This is typical of my vocabulary poems, which are all about evoking the keyword. You might also like "Smultronstället" which is sweet rather than bitter.
>> I'm sorry I'm so incoherent, you've left me speechless. <<
It's okay, you're perfectly clear.
Re: Yay!
Date: 2014-02-17 02:37 am (UTC)>> You might also like "Smultronstället" which is sweet rather than bitter. <<
I enjoyed it very much, it's beautiful.
I'm glad that you understood me.
Re: Yay!
Date: 2014-02-17 03:59 am (UTC)A lot of that stuff isn't very well chosen, and tends to turn people off of poetry.
>> It wasn't evocative or narrative. If you have any recommendations, I'd be happy to hear them, but if you'd rather not, or don't have time, that's okay, too. <<
I like helping people get into poetry. I have written some posts:
"How to Recognize BAD Poetry"
"Thoughts on Rhyming Poetry"
"So You Want to Be a Poetry Editor"
http://poetree.dreamwidth.org/tag/author:+elizabeth+barrette
My favorite poets include Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, J.R.R. Tolkien, Rudyard Kipling, Anne McCaffrey, Emily Dickinson, Sappho, Robert Hayden, Joy Harjo, Lorna Dee Cervantes, Langston Hughes, John Keats, e.e. cummings, Suzette Haden Elgin, and Robert Frost. That's a pretty wide range of forms, styles, and subjects.
Most of my Serial Poetry is narrative. You might enjoy some of that. Polychrome Heroics is superhero fantasy in which one of the main characters is a plural person.
Look at a library, used book store, or or the like. They should have something like "500 Best Poems of All Time" in a cheap paperback. In there will usually be a bunch of great stuff along with some chaff. Just read through looking for the ones that grab you. Then you can look up the authors of your favorite poems and see if any of their other poetry appeals.
>>I enjoyed it very much, it's beautiful.
I'm glad that you understood me.<<
Yay!
Re: Yay!
Date: 2014-02-17 05:17 am (UTC)Thank you for the tips. I will do that, and see if I can't find some new favorites.
Re: Yay!
Date: 2014-02-18 09:14 am (UTC)Yay!
>> I can't read too much at one time, though, because it makes me think and feel. I have to read a little, and then process. <<
Yeah, they're not really meant to be chugged in mass quantities.
>> I have read Polychrome Heroics, Aldornia and Zenobia, Alien Ants and Butterflies, some of An Army of One, and some of Kung Fu Robots. I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. <<
That's good to hear.
>> You have a gift for showing an alien (in the sense of 'other') viewpoint. <<
It's a favorite motif of mine. I love getting into the outsider perspective, including nonhumans. Well, you've seen how I write Hulk and JARVIS, they're outside the ordinary.
>> Alien Ants and Butterflies is my favorite. <<
That's one of the earliest series, and it was inspired by actual science.
>> I love getting glimpses of other cultures and ways of thinking, especially non-human. Your writing touches on a lot of things that I enjoy reading about. <<
It's fun for me to explore too.
>> Thank you for the tips. I will do that, and see if I can't find some new favorites. <<
I hope so.
A long time to work through this--
Date: 2014-03-27 06:41 pm (UTC)Reading this was the 'best' kind of tough.
I could always empathize with Bruce, but sections of this left me feeling as if I were living under HIS skin. Powerful.
The ending is positive, but it doesn't feel resolved, which is great; it allowed me as a reader to focus more on what I know about the "Love is for Children" storyline, and "Green Eggs and Hulk," specifically, to sustain a positive, hopeful tone as I thought over the whole poem, and shake off the very, very triggery elements of the earlier parts.
Well, well written. Thank you.
-Sarah-
Re: A long time to work through this--
Date: 2014-03-28 07:01 pm (UTC)That's good to hear. Much of what I love about poetry is in what you said.
>> Reading this was the 'best' kind of tough. <<
I'm glad that worked for you.
>> I could always empathize with Bruce, but sections of this left me feeling as if I were living under HIS skin. Powerful. <<
That's exactly what I was aiming for. He was so full of hurt in the movies, and then Love Is For Children focuses on the healing; but it's hard to get inside Bruce's feelings because he's so confused about them and bottles up his emotions most of the time. This seemed like a good way to get around that.
>> The ending is positive, but it doesn't feel resolved, which is great; it allowed me as a reader to focus more on what I know about the "Love is for Children" storyline, and "Green Eggs and Hulk," specifically, to sustain a positive, hopeful tone as I thought over the whole poem, <<
Yes, this is meant to be a reflector for the rest of the series, rather than a stand-alone.
>> and shake off the very, very triggery elements of the earlier parts. <<
Sooth. It's very intense.
>> Well, well written. Thank you. <<
You're welcome, and I really appreciate the feedback.
You might like to know that I've got a Hulk-focused poem to be posted later.
I like Saudades
Date: 2017-11-24 10:39 pm (UTC)ChickaDelSol
Re: I like Saudades
Date: 2017-11-24 10:53 pm (UTC)Thank you!
>> and I love that you used poetry to write something about Hulk.<<
I think it works very well for his worldview. Poetry is more concise than prose, and Hulk is not a man of many words.
>> He might be a "green beast" when you don't know him but he is in fact really emotional, not cold at all. Thank you.<<
You're welcome. Based on canon, I see Hulk as a giant ball of feels. Since he shares a genius brain with Bruce, but is emotional rather than logical, I write Hulk as an emotional genius. It's just that up until recently, he didn't have much opportunity to learn or express things. Now that he does, he's growing very fast.
still recapping
Date: 2018-09-28 01:05 am (UTC)