Poem: "Before the Fever Breaks"
Oct. 21st, 2014 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithlynnoconnacht. It also fills the "fever / delirium" square in my 7-31-14 card for the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hc_bingo fest. It has been sponsored by stardreamer. This poem belongs to the Stalwart Stan & Antimatter thread of the Polychrome Heroics series."Before the Fever Breaks"
On Friday afternoon,
Lawrence made plans
for a study session
with Stan on Saturday.
Lawrence went home,
shoveled a fresh layer of snow
off the front steps of the house,
and helped his mother pack
for a business trip.
He felt sweaty and tired,
so he went to bed early,
thinking extra sleep would help.
On Saturday morning,
Lawrence felt worse.
He debated whether to
call off the study session,
but figured they could get
some work done and he could
send Stan home, then spend
the rest of the weekend resting.
He knew how to speed healing;
everything would be fine.
Stan arrived bright and early despite the snow,
dropped his books on the living room couch,
and hugged Lawrence good morning.
Then Stan pulled back with a frown.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"You don't seem as bouncy today."
"I'm fine," Lawrence said,
pulling his mouth into a smile.
Stan touched the back of his hand
to Lawrence's cheek.
"I don't think so," he said.
"I'm fine," Lawrence gritted,
tossing his head out of reach.
He had forgotten about
that blasted First Aid badge;
Stan wasn't as easy to fool
as most other people.
"Please don't lie to me,"
Stan said quietly.
"Your skin feels warm,
you're sweaty and sluggish,
and you look awful.
I think you're coming down
with something."
"Okay so maybe I am,"
Lawrence said.
"I'll go through it fast,
you know I can speed healing."
"And in the meantime,
you're miserable,"
Stan pointed out.
"I can take care of myself!"
Lawrence said. "I always do."
It was the wrong thing to say,
Lawrence could see immediately
in the shift and set of Stan's face.
"When did you say that
your mother's coming home?"
Stan asked. "I could ask mine
if I can stay longer."
"Sunday night," Lawrence said,
"but it doesn't matter,
I don't need the company."
"I really don't feel comfortable
leaving you alone while
you're sick," Stan said.
"Don't worry about me,"
Lawrence said.
"Besides, you don't want
to catch whatever I have."
"I don't think I can," Stan said.
"I haven't gotten sick since
I got this." He tapped his fetish.
Well, that might be true,
and there went the best excuse
to get Stan out of the house.
"Lucky you," Lawrence said sourly.
"If you really don't want me here,
you could pick someone else,"
Stan said. "Doesn't have to be me."
Lawrence shook his head,
then stopped because
it made the room swim.
"I don't like having anyone
around when I'm sick, is all."
"What did you have for breakfast?"
Stan asked, out of the blue.
"Nothing, I wasn't hungry,"
Lawrence said, wondering
what that was all about.
Stan sighed. "Lawrence,
you shouldn't be alone.
You are not taking
very good care of yourself.
What if you get worse?"
he said. "Now I can stay,
or call your mother and --"
"Okay, okay!" Lawrence said,
his voice rising, frantic
to head off that angle.
Bothering his mother at work
would be a disaster, and
Lawrence didn't dare let
Stan start digging into
his home life again, for fear of
losing the only parent he had left.
"You can stay," Lawrence said,
defeated. "I'd rather you
than anyone else, I guess."
"Okay then," Stan said.
"Go on back to bed."
"What?" Lawrence said.
"Go lie down," Stan said,
pushing Lawrence gently
toward the staircase.
"I'll call my mother and
make you some breakfast."
So Lawrence slunk away and
left Stan to do as he pleased.
The bed was inviting enough,
but Lawrence felt weird
having someone coddle him.
Ten minutes later, Stan showed up
with a bowl of oatmeal on a lap tray.
"You are seriously
bringing me breakfast in bed?"
Lawrence asked, staring at him.
"Who even does that?"
"I do," Stan said,
settling the tray carefully
over Lawrence's legs.
Lawrence vaguely remembered
having seen the tray in a cupboard,
and was impressed that Stan
had even found the thing.
Lawrence sampled the oatmeal.
It was different somehow
than the way he made it --
thinner, creamier, with a spicy note
and some kind of chewy bits.
"What did you do to this?"
he asked as he took another bite.
"Is it not good?" Stan asked,
twisting his hands in the hem
of his blue flannel shirt.
"I didn't know how you liked yours
and you didn't want me to bug you
so I just made it like I do mine ..."
"It's fine," Lawrence said.
He poked his spoon in the bowl,
trying to isolate the small chunks.
"I meant, what did you put in it?"
"Oh," Stan said, relieved.
"I just made it with milk
instead of water, and I had
some dried apples in my backpack,
and you didn't have plain cinnamon
so I substituted apple pie spice."
No wonder it tasted like dessert.
There wasn't a lot in the bowl,
so Lawrence managed to finish it
even with his appetite absent.
As soon as he let go of the spoon,
Stan was there to pick up the tray
and set it on the bedside table.
Then he fussed around with
the pillows and the blankets,
tucking Lawrence down into bed.
It made the bed more comfortable,
but Lawrence less so.
"What would you like me to do next?"
Stan asked him.
"Stop smothering me,"
Lawrence snapped.
It was like stepping on a puppy.
"Okay," Stan said quietly
as he collected the tray.
"I'll just go wash the dishes."
"You don't have to --"
Lawrence began.
"If I don't, then you will,
and you should be resting,"
Stan said as he slipped out.
Lawrence felt like a dick.
He wallowed deeper into
the soft nest of blankets,
put his forearm over his face,
and tried to go back to sleep.
Some time later,
there came a quiet knock.
"Can I come in?" Stan asked,
peeking around the doorframe.
He had his sleeves rolled up
and thumbs tucked in his pockets.
Lawrence gave a vague wave.
The mattress shifted as
Stan sat down beside him.
"When's the last time you took
your cold meds?" he asked.
"Whatever you're using,
I can bring it when you need it."
Lawrence didn't want to lie,
so he kept his mouth shut.
Stan figured it out, though.
"You haven't taken anything?" he said.
A cool hand cupped Lawrence's cheek.
"You feel warmer than ever."
The bed creaked as Stan got up.
Lawrence heard him rummaging
in the bathroom, then returning.
"There's nothing in your medicine chest
but mouthwash and half a bottle
of blue chamomile," Stan said,
crossing his arms over his chest.
"Would you be okay for a little while
by yourself? If you tell me your symptoms,
I can run to the store for supplies."
Lawrence weighed the pros and cons
of hiding his condition and provoking Stan
into pawing over him for information,
or revealing it and getting fussed over more.
Simpler just to get it over with.
"Fever, headache, body aches,"
Lawrence confessed.
"Queasy off and on."
Stan smiled at him.
"Thanks for telling me," he said,
then dipped into his backpack.
"I've got aspirin in my first aid kit.
You can start with that."
He handed Lawrence a glass of water
and a paper packet of aspirin,
the kind that gas stations always had.
Lawrence wouldn't have been surprised
if Stan pulled half a pharmacy from his pockets.
Lawrence swallowed the pills,
half because his head was killing him
and half because couldn't stand the thought
of Stan giving him sad puppy-dog eyes again.
"A bus stops at the corner in ten minutes,"
Stan said. "I should be back in an hour or so.
I hope you feel better with the house to yourself."
It was quiet, at least, without Stan there.
Lawrence relaxed a little and kicked off
the covers that were making him too hot.
He concentrated on using his power
to burn off the sickness faster,
but it was hard to focus when
he felt like hammered crap.
He tried studying, but couldn't
keep his mind on history either.
Then he got cold as the sweat dried,
and didn't have the energy to reach down
to drag the damn blankets back on the bed.
Lawrence glanced over
at the black Kit-Kat clock,
its eyes and tail slowly
sweeping back and forth.
Not even half an hour had passed.
He lay on his back, listening to the clock tick
and the swish-slush of cars passing in the street,
waiting for Stan to come home, because
Lawrence liked him even if today
they were driving each other nuts.
Eventually the front door squeaked open
and then closed again, followed by
Stan's footsteps light and careful on the stairs.
Lawrence felt his shoulders tighten,
anticipating Stan's disapproval
for the blankets on the floor.
Instead Stan simply set a selection
of cold meds on the bedside table
along with bottles of water, Gatorade,
and Sioux City ginger beer.
"There you go," Stan said.
"This way you can pick what you like,
and maybe we can get you feeling better
before the fever breaks."
"Thanks," Lawrence said,
shivering a little in the faint breeze
from the open door of the bedroom.
Stan leaned down and gathered
the blankets from the floor,
then raised his eyebrows.
Lawrence nodded agreement,
and Stan gently spread the covers
back over his body.
"I'm going back downstairs for a bit,"
Stan said. "Living room's a mess,
so I'll straighten that and then
come back to check on you."
Lawrence didn't have the energy
to protest. "Fine," he said.
It wasn't as nerve-wracking when
Stan wasn't hovering over him.
Quiet sounds filtered up
through the floor and stairwell,
reminding Lawrence of
happy afternoons at Stan's house.
Lawrence helped himself
to the water and a few more pills.
He didn't feel as hot as before,
but the queasiness was getting worse.
Presently Stan came back upstairs.
"Need anything?" he asked.
"No," Lawrence said,
forcing himself to hold still,
not to hide under the covers
or cling to them like armor.
"I finished all my homework but math,"
Stan said. "Mind if I borrow your books
and work in here for bit? I promise
not to make any noise. Or should I
go sit in the window nook instead?"
The window seat in its narrow space
with bookshelves along the near wall
separated Lawrence's bedroom
from his mother's room.
It would be rude to make Stan
sit outside the door like a naughty student.
"You can stay," Lawrence said.
Stan deposited himself at the desk
that sat under the room's single window,
a stack of math books at his elbow.
Lawrence picked up his history book again.
It was a little easier to pay attention now,
and for a while the silence was punctuated
with the soft whisper of turning pages.
This, maybe, Lawrence could get used to
if he had enough time to learn how.
When his stomach got too distracting,
he set aside the history book
and just concentrated on breathing
as he surfed the slow waves of nausea.
"What do you want for lunch?"
Stan asked from the desk.
"Don't think I could keep anything down,"
Lawrence admitted.
At once Stan abandoned the math
and came over to the bed.
"That bad, huh?"
Lawrence's belly lurched,
and he dashed into the bathroom,
making it to the toilet just in time.
Well that was wonderful,
fleeing his still-very-new boyfriend
to go throw up.
Gentle hands gathered his hair
and held it away from his face.
Lawrence startled so hard
that he nearly lost his grip
on the rim of the toilet,
because what the fuck?
He'd forgotten to close
the damn door, is what,
and Stan had followed him.
Lawrence tried to elbow him away,
but the heaves wrung him like a rag;
he couldn't fight Stan and his body
at the same time.
When his arms started shaking
from holding himself in place,
one of Stan's hands slipped down
to brace against his chest
so that Lawrence couldn't fall.
It was humiliating as much as helpful,
a bizarre mix of sensations
that left Lawrence dizzy with confusion.
Eventually the spasms eased enough
for him to rest against the cool rim
of the toilet seat, panting for breath.
"You done for now?"
Stan asked quietly.
"Think so," Lawrence said.
To his surprise, Stan helped him
clean up and get back to bed
without another word.
That silent, matter-of-fact care was
much more bearable than the fussing
but it was like scratching a sunburn:
it hurt and felt good all at once.
Lawrence didn't know what to make of it.
This time Lawrence abandoned dignity
for the sake of clutching the blankets
around himself as a barrier.
"Feeling any better?" Stan asked,
after he finished tucking Lawrence
into bed like an apple in a dumpling.
"Never do that again," Lawrence said tightly.
"You don't follow someone into the can,
Jesus were you raised in a barn."
Stomped puppy look.
It made Lawrence feel like a dick again,
made him want to relent and apologize,
but he couldn't stand the thought
of Stan hovering over him like that.
"... okay," Stan said, his voice thick
as if it hurt him to say that.
"Good," Lawrence said.
"Listen, I'm worried about you
and I'm trying to be helpful,
but I'm used to caring for people
I already know really well," Stan said.
"With you I'm just guessing, and
I don't think I'm scoring very high.
I need to know what makes you feel better
and what just makes things worse."
Lawrence sighed. "Can we not?
I do not have the energy
for this right now."
He sipped at the ginger beer
in hope it would help his stomach settle,
the cool bottle soothing against his fevered skin.
"Okay. Whatever you need,"
Stan said. "Will you at least
let me braid your hair for you?
That will keep it out of your way."
"I don't want it to be lumpy
when I have to lie on it,"
Lawrence whined.
"It won't be lumpy, I promise,"
Stan said. "If you hate it,
I can take it right back out."
He petted the long strands,
not seeming to mind that they were
lank and stringy now from sweat.
Even the light looked dingy,
most of Lawrence's energy
devoted to healing.
"Fine," Lawrence said.
Stan used his fingers
to comb through the hair
and separate hanks to braid.
He wove them together swiftly
into a wide flat plait which used up
so much of the length that
the tip barely came over
Lawrence's shoulder.
"There you go," Stan said,
patting the end of the braid.
It felt looser than usual,
comfortable enough to lie on.
"This will never stay put,"
Lawrence said.
"Maybe it will if I ask it nicely,"
Stan said. He pressed his cheek
against Lawrence's hair
and whispered, "Please stay,"
breath warm and damp
over Lawrence's ear.
Lawrence shivered.
It wasn't good or bad,
just unfamiliar, like having
someone under his skin
where he was only
used to himself.
But the next time that he
had to bolt for the bathroom,
the braid held fast,
and Stan didn't follow him.
There was only the quiet click
as the door was pushed shut behind him.
When Lawrence came out,
Stan was leaning against
the closed bedroom door
so that he could watch
the bathroom threshold.
Lawrence made it to bed on his own,
leaving the covers off because
he was broiling again.
He reached for the ginger beer
but the bottle was empty.
He weighed the usefulness
of ginger for suppressing nausea
against the bother of dragging himself
down to the fridge in search of more.
"Want a refill on that?" Stan asked quietly.
Lawrence nodded. Embarrassing as it was,
he could still feel a certain enjoyment of
lazing in bed while someone else
did the fetching for him.
Soon Stan came back with the ginger beer,
handed it to Lawrence, and backed away.
Lawrence took a long drink, then said,
"You don't have to hide from me.
I'm just crabby because I feel like crap."
Stan drifted over to stand by the bed.
"Remember how you said that
your power has learned to go to me?"
Stan said. "I've got an idea."
"Okay, what?" Lawrence asked.
Stan pressed one of Lawrence's hands
to his chest and held onto the other.
"I think you could sort of roll your power
over mine and pick up more energy that way,
kind of like making a snowball," he said.
"Up, across, and back down to you."
"It'll never work with the fetish on,"
Lawrence said.
"If I take it off, then your energy
will just stick to mine," Stan said.
"All I'm asking is that you try."
So Lawrence tried.
The first few times,
the energy just bounced
back toward him.
Then he figured out
how to angle it so that
it really would roll across.
Lawrence was surprised
to discover that Stan was right --
the little ball of healing energy
picked up power along the way.
Well, Stan was probably
pushing his own energy at it.
It was still a useful trick to learn.
Lawrence kept it up until
he got too tired to focus.
"Thanks," he said to Stan
as he pulled his hands back.
"I think it's helping."
Puppy-with-biscuit look.
Lawrence's fevered brain
just would not stop with the imagery.
Stan went back to his math,
leaving Lawrence in peace.
There was something restful
about the faint skritch-scratch
of pencil moving over paper.
The next time Lawrence got sick,
it didn't last nearly as long,
but by the end he was so exhausted
that he could barely wobble to the door.
Stan let Lawrence lean against him,
and all Lawrence could smell now was
the bright spicy note of Stan's pine forest soap,
his nose sensitized by the nausea.
When Lawrence stumbled despite
Stan's steady presence at his side,
Stan silently dropped one big hand
to cup Lawrence's hip and lift him up
so that his toes barely touched the floor.
Lawrence pretended to walk back to bed that way,
and Stan pretended to let him, then silently
returned Lawrence to the nest of blankets.
Stan's stomach growled.
"Excuse me," he muttered.
"You skipped lunch," Lawrence realized,
"and now it's almost supper time."
"Yeah, I'll go downstairs and make something,"
Stan said. "It'll get me out of your hair for a while."
Lawrence tried to relax while Stan was gone,
only to discover that he felt more tired than ever.
He did manage to finish the history chapter, though.
Eventually Stan came back with two bowls.
He'd heated up a family-size can
of chunky soup for himself, and
brought applesauce for Lawrence.
"Supper is served," Stan announced.
"Thanks," Lawrence said,
sampling the applesauce.
"Hey, this is warm."
"Yeah, it just came off the stove,"
Stan said. "You didn't have any applesauce,
but there were apples, so I made some.
Should I have chilled it first?"
"No, it's great," Lawrence said.
It tasted strongly of ginger,
velvety smooth with no lumps,
tempting enough to revive
his appetite a little bit.
Or maybe that was just because
Stan was back in the room.
They ate quietly, and afterwards
Stan took the dishes downstairs to wash.
Lawrence's stomach had finally
quit pitching around his innards,
but this time he was sure:
no Stan, less energy.
And now Lawrence was freezing.
When Stan came back upstairs,
he noticed immediately.
"You look cold," he said.
"Do you want another blanket?"
"No, just you," Lawrence said.
He might as well admit it.
"You go, I feel worse.
You come back, I feel better."
He rubbed his hands over his face.
"Gah, that sounds stupid out loud."
"No it doesn't," Stan said.
"As much energy work
as we've done together,
it makes sense that our powers
are starting to recognize each other
and respond to what's happening."
Trust Stan to think of that.
Lawrence hadn't paid a lot of attention
to the SPOON pages on power collaboration.
Maybe he should have.
Lawrence shivered and
huddled deeper under the covers.
"So, um ... body heat helps with hypothermia,"
Stan said hesitantly. "I know you've been
pretty standoffish all day, but maybe
I could lie on the edge of the bed and
you could get as close as you feel comfortable?
It might help with the heat and the energy both."
Lawrence was torn between wanting
to shove Stan away or wrap up in him.
Maybe this would be an adequate compromise.
"Okay, we can try that," Lawrence said.
Stan peeled back all the blankets
but one and the sheet under it,
balanced himself carefully
at the very edge of the bed, and
pulled the covers over them both.
Lawrence felt warmer already.
He inched closer to Stan,
stopping where the need for heat
and the desire for privacy
cancelled each other out.
His body finally stopped bothering him
and he was able to drift down
from a doze into true sleep.
* * *
Notes:
"It is often when night looks darkest, it is often before the fever breaks that one senses the gathering momentum for change, when one feels that resurrection of hope in the midst of despair and apathy."
-- Hillary Clinton
Lawrence's house is a tiny little two-story, two-bedroom cottage. See the outside, main floor, and upper floor.
Taking care of a sick friend is one type of nonsexual intimacy. Lawrence is tiffy about it both because he's unaccustomed to that kind of attention and because it's early in their (friendly) relationship. Know how to treat a fever and help a sick person feel better.
Negotiation is a vital relationship skill. Understand how to manage a family meeting, communicate better, and share expenses.
Breakfast in bed is popular for courtship but also when someone isn't feeling well. There are tips for how to make breakfast in bed.
Among the many recipes for oatmeal I found some for apple-cinnamon oatmeal mix and healthy apple-cinnamon oatmeal, which are somewhat similar to what Stan is doing.
See the original Kit-Kat Klock. It's a classic piece of Americana.
Skin hunger and touch aversion can occur in the same person, as shown with Lawrence. He really needs the contact, but past abuse has left him twitchy about people touching him. That's one of several reasons for touch aversion. There are ways to build trust and explore healthy vulnerability.
There are several ways to make a multistrand or flat braid, similar to this one by Bella Braids.
Ginger applesauce is good for an upset stomach. Some people do find that either warm or cold applesauce works better for them.
Hypothermia spans the range of low body temperature from chills to life-threatening cold. A chilled person needs to be warmed gently and slowly, not too fast or it can cause shock. Body heat is one helpful method, with the advantage that it's always available. A cozy snuggle and a good blanket can fix most mild cases.
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(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 05:58 am (UTC)Shortly after I moved down here, I had a really bad bout of food poisoning, the kind that has you "going at both ends". And Russ brought me a bucket to hold while I was sitting on the toilet, and did yeoman duty by taking it outside and rinsing it multiple times. That was when I really knew he was a keeper!
I also understand the "come here / go away" thing when someone isn't feeling well, because I get it too sometimes. The difference is that because I'm rather older than Lawrence, I know more about how to communicate it and ask for what I really want, which is silent company.
Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 06:33 am (UTC)Yeah, he's pretty miserable here.
>> And Stan still hasn't quite picked up that he lashes out when he feels afraid or inadequate, and takes it harder than he should. <<
Sooth. Stan can spot patterns, but doesn't always figure out all the implications. He knows that Lawrence does this kind of thing, but doesn't fully understand why yet. That Lawrence actively hides this information is not helping Stan's learning curve.
>> That will change as they get to know each other's patterns better. <<
True, of course. They're trying hard, poor boys. You'll see a lot more of the "getting to know each other's patterns" in the sequel, "What a Precious Privilege." They're clumsy about talking things out, partly because they're so young, but they make progress.
>> Shortly after I moved down here, I had a really bad bout of food poisoning, the kind that has you "going at both ends". And Russ brought me a bucket to hold while I was sitting on the toilet, and did yeoman duty by taking it outside and rinsing it multiple times. That was when I really knew he was a keeper! <<
Definitely a keeper.
>> I also understand the "come here / go away" thing when someone isn't feeling well, because I get it too sometimes. The difference is that because I'm rather older than Lawrence, I know more about how to communicate it and ask for what I really want, which is silent company. <<
It's not just age, but also experience and personality. Some people have grown up with crummy examples. Some are innately less interested in being coddled. However, with time people tend to know themselves better and a relationship matures, so better results are possible.
Taking care of someone means doing what they need, not just what you want to do. One more clue that Stan is a darling is that when Lawrence snaps at him and pushes him away, he doesn't snap back. Stan just takes the hit, accepts the limitation, and tries to find something else that will be more acceptable. Lawrence has no idea how much that hurt or what it cost for Stan to make those compromises, but he does recognize and appreciate both that Stan intends to be helpful and actually is giving ground for Lawrence's sake.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 05:15 pm (UTC)OTOH, I can definitely empathize with his reasons for doing so. He doesn't completely trust Stan yet, and also Stan's responses to things are a bit on the black-and-white side. The fear that Stan might report his mother for neglect and get Lawrence thrown into the foster-care system is not entirely without basis! All Stan would see is that Lawrence's mother isn't taking proper care of him, not how much losing both parents would damage Lawrence. It would be different if Lawrence had emotionally distanced himself from his dysfunctional family, but that hasn't happened yet.
What I do see as a possibility that might truly help is for Stan's parents to informally "adopt" Lawrence as a surrogate son (or son-in-law!), encouraging him to come over often and hang out. They would have a more nuanced view of the situation, and would be more likely to focus on making sure Lawrence is taught the self-care skills he needs until he's old enough to be out on his own.
Lawrence has no idea how much that hurt or what it cost for Stan to make those compromises
I think he does now, kind of. He felt bad about it afterwards, and recognized that Stan was hurt and that it was his fault; he's not trying to self-justify or shift blame. I would call this Stage 2 of the 5-stage process:
1) You don't notice that it's happening.
2) You notice it after it's happened.
3) You notice it while it's happening.
4) You notice it getting ready to happen.
5) You start being able to make it not happen.
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 07:26 pm (UTC)OTOH, I can definitely empathize with his reasons for doing so. He doesn't completely trust Stan yet, and also Stan's responses to things are a bit on the black-and-white side.<<
Yes, of course.
>> The fear that Stan might report his mother for neglect and get Lawrence thrown into the foster-care system is not entirely without basis! All Stan would see is that Lawrence's mother isn't taking proper care of him, not how much losing both parents would damage Lawrence. <<
Stan has learned to pay a lot more attention to that, though. The last time he butted into Lawrence's life on that topic, Lawrence dumped him, ran off to a supervillain gang for weeks, and damn near got them both killed. So Stan is not exactly eager to reopen that can of worms, which is why he's trying to find other alternatives now. Stan will bring up hard limits (not paying rent) but seek other solutions for soft ones (find someone else besides Lawrence's mother to take care of him when he's sick).
>> It would be different if Lawrence had emotionally distanced himself from his dysfunctional family, but that hasn't happened yet. <<
True. Some abused children have no attachment to their parents. Some are conflicted. Some are still really, really attached and that's Lawrence at this stage.
>> What I do see as a possibility that might truly help is for Stan's parents to informally "adopt" Lawrence as a surrogate son (or son-in-law!), encouraging him to come over often and hang out. <<
Definitely son-in-law, and yes, Stan's family has a strong tendency to accrete people.
>> They would have a more nuanced view of the situation, and would be more likely to focus on making sure Lawrence is taught the self-care skills he needs until he's old enough to be out on his own. <<
This is true. It helps that they only need to buy a little time. Also Stan's father Stuart came out of an unhappy family, and was determined to make a happy family for himself. So he can show Lawrence not just that it's possible, but what steps to work through along the way.
>> Lawrence has no idea how much that hurt or what it cost for Stan to make those compromises
I think he does now, kind of. <<
Oh, he knows the concept, he's just underestimating the scope. Lawrence will figure it out the first time he sees Stan angsting over not being able to help someone else, or being insufficiently prepared for some situation. Stan does not downshift gracefully yet. But it's hard to see how much of a dynamic that is, when you're the one he's on top of.
>> He felt bad about it afterwards, and recognized that Stan was hurt and that it was his fault; he's not trying to self-justify or shift blame. I would call this Stage 2 of the 5-stage process:
1) You don't notice that it's happening.
2) You notice it after it's happened.
3) You notice it while it's happening.
4) You notice it getting ready to happen.
5) You start being able to make it not happen.<<
That makes sense. You can see in the earlier poems some of the stuff Lawrence did and was completely oblivious to, that he's learned to be more careful with -- the fetish, for instance. But Stan is so solid, it takes a LOT to really knock him flat, and he's not a whiner, so it's very easy to underestimate the scope of impact on him.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 10:21 am (UTC)Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-21 05:48 pm (UTC)Gut instinct is what's allowing him to push past his normal reactions, apologize for being cranky, et cetera, and the fact that those instincts are still there will help him... it'll just take a while. Less time if he gets more positive support, more time with better examples of the human race... but it might never be /easy/. Lawrence at thirty I can still see as prickly as a cactus, and that's okay IF he's learned to set limits on himself, and appropriate targets.
Sickfic really isn't my thing, but I loved the (hesitant, earnest, frustrated) tangle between them, and definitely loved the intimacy throughout.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-21 08:14 pm (UTC)Poor Lawrence. It's hard on him, but I'm glad that came through.
I have a bunch of characters with past damage, and I try to catch them at different stages, show their diverse ways of responding. Lakia is still half-feral and prone to wander off just because she's not use to having people care where she is. The Rescuer became a supernary.
>> Gut instinct is what's allowing him to push past his normal reactions, apologize for being cranky, et cetera, and the fact that those instincts are still there will help him... it'll just take a while. <<
That's part of it, but the main reason Lawrence is making progress is because Stan is rubbing off on him. Compare how Lawrence behaved in the beginning, how he shifted over time to move closer to Stan, and the fucking awful backlash when Lawrence ran off to a supervillain gang because he was pissed at Stan. Lawrence is a highly contextual person; he'll mimic whatever he's around.
>> Less time if he gets more positive support, more time with better examples of the human race... <<
Yes, exactly. Stan, his family, Hefty and Fiddlesticks are all helping in different ways.
>> but it might never be /easy/. Lawrence at thirty I can still see as prickly as a cactus, and that's okay IF he's learned to set limits on himself, and appropriate targets. <<
He will probably never be comfortable with someone following him into the bathroom. He might learn to tolerate it if he's too wrecked to manage alone. He'll probably stay prickly when under the weather, but it should mellow somewhat over time.
They have, however, hit on the solution to the conflict: look for things that Stan can do to help which Lawrence finds either pleasing or bearable. Stan isn't actually all that picky about what he does to help, beyond a minimum standard of vital needs being met; he just needs to be helpful in some ways. From there it's just a matter of working the problem, which is a project for the rest of their lives.
>> Sickfic really isn't my thing, but I loved the (hesitant, earnest, frustrated) tangle between them, and definitely loved the intimacy throughout. <<
Yay! It's not my thing either. I rarely read or write it, and part of that is because it's rarely relevant. When characters make major personal discoveries and/or relationship progress this way, though, then I'll go for it. Sometimes also if it's revealing things about the setting. So there are glimpses of that in Fiorenza the Wisewoman and Hart's Farm too.
In this case, it was going to come up sooner or later because Lawrence is so defensive and Stan is a freaking nannyhammer. They had to work it out or it would become a major obstacle.
Plus I wanted to show that hurt/comfort isn't a magical cure-all for trust issues. Usually sickfic has the caretaker bulldoze the victim's objections, and the victim winds up giving in and enjoying being coddled even though they never did before. You see why I have a problem with this?
So I wanted to show that jumping the intimacy too far, too fast can be harmful to a relationship and you have to be alert when to backpedal if you cross a line -- and that crowding a person can make them feel worse instead of better. The awkwardness is an inevitable outcome of people whose needs point in opposite directions, and a circumstance that won't easily wait for them to get their relationship in gear before dealing with it. Lawrence is sick now so they have to figure out something quickly. A queasy stagger through the minefield is no fun for anyone, but they made the best of it they could.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-21 08:38 pm (UTC)It's a violation of identity, in a deeply disturbing way. It's also showing A adopting B's /view/ on the topic, whole cloth, with no review of the changes. The short form of that is called "brainwashing."
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 04:25 am (UTC)Sooth. I was thinking of it along the lines of rape culture ...
>> It's also showing A adopting B's /view/ on the topic, whole cloth, with no review of the changes. The short form of that is called "brainwashing." <<
... but this is also true, and very creepy.
It's just not plausible, either. I don't see people make big fast changes in their beliefs, feelings, or actions. They cling to things. They make progress in small steps. The most Lawrence is going to get out of this first round is that a few bits of caretaking (not having to fetch things himself, yummy omelettes) are kind of nice and that a sick Lawrence shoving Stan away leads to the stomped puppy look.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 04:35 am (UTC)And Lawrence is practically bleeding on the rug, emotionally speaking.
When he /stops/ doing so, he'll probably begin to develop more of his own, independent ethics rather than floating toward the strongest 'type' nearby, whether positive or negative.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 04:41 am (UTC)The problem with that is largely in execution, because most sickfic is either drivel or triggery-nauseating because of the psychological elements. I can't even tolerate much of the "morning sickness" trope stuff for similar reasons, due to the preponderance of fics which focus on that particular aspect also including "reasons" to force a bond between the two parties.
And yeah, that's obviously another form of and allusion to r-pe culture.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 08:07 am (UTC)There is actually a lot of that throughout the Stan/Lawrence storyline, because they rub off on each other. This would never have worked even a few months ago. But like what happened when Stan got stabbed, it highlighted how some things have been slowly shifting.
I haven't seen it written very often, though.
>> The problem with that is largely in execution, because most sickfic is either drivel or triggery-nauseating because of the psychological elements. <<
Too true. It's okay if both characters are consenting, as in an established relationship, and I've seen some good examples of that. But it's not the norm.
>> I can't even tolerate much of the "morning sickness" trope stuff for similar reasons, <<
Well, you can see what I did with Damask and Mallory. That's a fucking awful situation any way you slice it. Mallory is miserable, and even Clement is hesitant about helping because of how often she's lashed out at him. But the really beautiful part of this scenario is actually right at the beginning: that when her life blew up in her face again, instead of trying to kill herself, Mallory went looking for help -- and was even willing to ask her best enemy since she didn't have anyone better to ask. Once she's decided to cross that line, she's pretty easygoing about it, compared to previous examples. That's a cascade shift, when a lot of little changes earlier suddenly produce a really big leap forward. The morning sickness in particular is important for their relationship, because that's what finally dredged up Ham's sympathy.
>> due to the preponderance of fics which focus on that particular aspect also including "reasons" to force a bond between the two parties.
And yeah, that's obviously another form of and allusion to r-pe culture. <<
I like situations that force people to confront an issue. I do not like stories that railroad the characters' response to that. I love watching them struggle with mutually exclusive needs, goals, personality traits, etc. It can be really hard to crack the shell on a physically or emotionally tough character enough to let a new insight or relationship get in. But it's not plausible if it's too smooth, and few writers stop to think about the negative effects of such challenges. They just ram it through, and that does not work. Being forced to depend on someone rarely goes well.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 05:06 am (UTC)Right now Lawrence is very isolated, because his family is fucked-up and he's an outcast at school, which means he has almost no basis for comparison. Being with Stan is helping some, but there are things about a dysfunctional family that no one who hasn't lived with one will ever fully understand. He needs positive examples, but he also needs friends who can say, "Oh ghod yes, my [relative] did that too, and it was awful, and this is how I dealt with it."
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 05:21 am (UTC)Stan's father Stuart came out of an unhappy family. That's going to be very helpful in some ways, and open up whole barrels of worms in other ways.
Lawrence would also benefit from friends his own age with this kind of background, but well, that's almost certainly what happened with Shiv and the others in the gang, which was a whole heap of bad coping techniques that Lawrence did not need.
>> I participate in an online support community for people with difficult family dynamics, and the two reactions we get all the time are (1) "You mean it's not just me?!" and (2) "You mean this isn't normal?" Sometimes from the same person about different things! <<
Yeah, that makes sense, and it's useful for some people.
>> Right now Lawrence is very isolated, because his family is fucked-up and he's an outcast at school, which means he has almost no basis for comparison. <<
That's true. Lawrence hasn't had much socialization. I do have a poem about the chess club later in the series though, showing how Lawrence interacts with friendly opponents.
>> Being with Stan is helping some, but there are things about a dysfunctional family that no one who hasn't lived with one will ever fully understand. He needs positive examples, but he also needs friends who can say, "Oh ghod yes, my [relative] did that too, and it was awful, and this is how I dealt with it." <<
True, and show him positive coping skills rather than, "Here, have a smoke and I'll teach you to pick pockets."
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 11:57 am (UTC)I have a strange, strange Bucket List.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 10:09 pm (UTC)Sounds like you have a fun bucket list though.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 10:24 pm (UTC)So, not holding out hope for /talent/ picking pockets, no. But I'd love to know the mechanics, the actual /process/ involved.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 10:29 pm (UTC)The mechanics are little more than slipping your hand into someone's pocket very delicately. It can easily be practiced by taking a cheap old suitcoat and pinning a few dozen bells to it. Load the pockets. When you can unload them without ringing the bells, you're good.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 10:31 pm (UTC)That's IT?
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 10:37 pm (UTC)There are, of course, more advanced techniques: it's easier to get into a loose open pocket and take something out than to get into a tight pocket or one that's buttoned. The core move, though, is just slipping your hand in and out without being noticed.
An intermediate-to-advanced move is planting things in someone's pocket without being noticed.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 11:18 pm (UTC)I would. I /so/ would.
And poor Sid, totally flummoxed because I pick pockets with /permission/ and would pick locks I /own/. Kind of the opposite of the point, to him!
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-23 05:25 am (UTC)I would. I /so/ would. <<
Aww, so sweet! Some of my Waterjewel characters do that, particularly with bandit or gutterfox friends who are twedgy about accepting gifts outright.
>> And poor Sid, totally flummoxed because I pick pockets with /permission/ and would pick locks I /own/. Kind of the opposite of the point, to him! <<
*chuckle* Depends on what you want to accomplish with it.
Being a locksmith comes with a responsibility to use that knowledge honorably -- a locksmith should be one of the most trusted people in town. I've seen books on the field, and that's written right in the front of them.
Some of the guys in my prison classes would write about picking locks or pockets, hotwiring cars, that sort of thing. At first they'd do it to test if we were serious about "write what you know." We were. So after they got doing being flabbergasted that we weren't shocked and those papers came back graded just like the ones on how to tie your shoes, some of them went into more depth. If they raised ethical questions, we'd comment on that too, and it really got them thinking -- How do you feel when someone uses a power against you that you don't have? How do you think other people feel, if you're a lockpicking expert and they're not? Which gets you more of what you really want, breaking into houses, or being the guy that everyone knows would never do that? Subversion at its finest.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-23 05:34 am (UTC)He has an audience almost every time he pulls out his big, thudding pile of locks to practice, but he's very, very discerning about not saying more than "Oh, the movies and television get it /so wrong/ it's stupid!" I've been more worried about his reaction to someone else using unethically what he shows them as a hobby than anything other than hyper-aggressive cop assuming 'lockpicks equal burglar.'
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-23 07:13 am (UTC)That can be disconcerting, yes. There are many things that I know how to do, but can't do in this body.
>> He has an audience almost every time he pulls out his big, thudding pile of locks to practice, <<
*laugh* I'm reminded of Sherlock in Elementary and his gigantic collection of locks ... and the time Watson got even with him when he was being an utter berk, by knocking the whole display over so he'd have to re-sort them.
>> but he's very, very discerning about not saying more than "Oh, the movies and television get it /so wrong/ it's stupid!" I've been more worried about his reaction to someone else using unethically what he shows them as a hobby <<
Yeah, that wouldn't end well.
>> than anything other than hyper-aggressive cop assuming 'lockpicks equal burglar.' <<
Unsettling, especially in an age of murderous thugs with badges.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-22 12:00 pm (UTC)Instead of having Lawrence "do the work" for such a group, even a fictitious one, I'd love to see someone acknowledge that it's /hard/ to even admit "This might apply to me, too. It wasn't just (excuses sixteen through eighty-four), but /abuse/."
Heck, just /finding out/ that there's such a group could be massively triggering for him for a while.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-29 08:22 pm (UTC)Indeed. He's spent so much time convincing himself that this is all OK, because he's so attached to what little family he has left, that it would be extremely painful to have to look back and think, "This person, whom I love beyond reason and need in my life, has been treating me abominably and either doesn't notice or doesn't care."
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-10-30 06:21 am (UTC)Specifically, Lawrence's mother is too overloaded to notice, but as Lawrence specified, she's not the nurturer of the family so there's a limit to how much it's fair to expect that of her. Not everyone has all the skills, and obligation does not convey ability.
Lawrence's father was the caretaker of the family. So when he started hitting, things really went to hell. He has a drinking problem and it's wrecked his self-control. On some level he probably does know that this is causing problems, but can't help himself, so is trying to hide it.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-11-04 04:20 am (UTC)That is true. It is also why his mother has refused help. She doesn't have the spoons to process it. For Lawrence, it's the record that breaks the record player, at least until he's had time to bond with Stan's family enough that he'll have people to hold him steady when he hits the bumps, instead of faceplanting like he's been doing.
And his last attempt at exploring a support group went so well. 0_o
>> Instead of having Lawrence "do the work" for such a group, even a fictitious one, I'd love to see someone acknowledge that it's /hard/ to even admit "This might apply to me, too. It wasn't just (excuses sixteen through eighty-four), but /abuse/."
Heck, just /finding out/ that there's such a group could be massively triggering for him for a while. <<
This. Whole minefield of triggers with really very little field between any of the mines. BSOD.
But hey, feel free to prompt for it if you want to hit your favorite woobie over the head with a board. Just don't be there when Stan looks around to see who did it. ;)
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-11-04 04:25 am (UTC)And the problem is, /most/ "help" comes across exactly that way: respond OUR way to OUR suggestions or you don't "want" help.
Which is abusive in its own way, but harder to fight.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-11-04 04:39 am (UTC):D Oh, please give me that as a prompt tomorrow! They already have at least one teacher in their court, Mr. Marshall -- who is probably pissed at the school nurse for her handling of Lawrence showing up with bruises. I could have so much fun with Mr. Marshall in the teachers' lounge hammering everyone else to leave them the fuck alone, and then going to Stan and Lawrence and asking them to come up with at least a first step to addressing the issue. Doesn't have to be big, just a start, to shut people up before the adults make it worse. As long as Lawrence has Stan right there to lean on, and isn't knocked face-first into a puddle of crap he can't deal with, it should be stretchy but not shattering.
>> And the problem is, /most/ "help" comes across exactly that way: respond OUR way to OUR suggestions or you don't "want" help.
Which is abusive in its own way, but harder to fight. <<
Agreed, and this is a thing that needs to be shown so that people can recognize it as abuse. Some solutions are contraindicated for some people. Failing to respect that is the opposite of help.
Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-11-06 05:37 am (UTC)Re: Lawrence
Date: 2014-11-06 05:41 am (UTC)Oooo. I like this vocabulary.
>> "Common-sense" advice that doesn't address the reality of the situation is also helpy. So are aphorisms like, "They're the only family you've got" when someone has finally reached the point of thinking about getting the hell out of Dodge. <<
Then it's time to get yourself some new family.
Anyhow, the poem I wrote based on this thread is up in the latest fishbowl, "What You Expect Them to Be." There is helpiness, and then a cluebat, and then much better ideas ensue.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-11-03 02:59 am (UTC)I like this very much.
Thank you!
Date: 2014-11-03 04:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 11:15 am (UTC)I love the fact that this is both entertaining and whole heap of good relationship advice, plus hints&tips on practical care all in one package. I don;t know if you've run across the concept of teaching songs before, but this is like the prose form version.
Yes...
Date: 2014-10-21 06:45 pm (UTC)You nailed it. One of these times, I'd like to write a Stan-perspective poem about Lawrence's kittyness, the way this one had all the puppy images.
>> I love the fact that this is both entertaining and whole heap of good relationship advice, plus hints&tips on practical care all in one package. <<
Yay! I'm glad it worked for you.
I've been wanted to write this storyline since I was in junior high and saw various farmboys crushing on each other and NOT coping at all well, along with best enemies in various canons (Charles/Erik, Clark/Lex, etc.) with similar issues. I just wanted to take them behind a barn and hand them a copy of The Joy of Gay Sex. So this thread is my take on how best enemies could work their way around to becoming boyfriends.
>> I don;t know if you've run across the concept of teaching songs before, but this is like the prose form version. <<
Thank you! Yes, didactic verse is a favorite of mine.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 06:54 pm (UTC)Adorable as ever. And poor, grouchy Lawrence. Good for Stan for looking after him (and poor Lawrence, for hardly knowing how to deal with that...).
(Also, incidentally - I find it hilarious that my captcha for this comment is "LOVE ME?" *snerk*)
Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 07:35 pm (UTC)I'm glad you're enjoying this. Keep an eye out; the sequel "What a Precious Privilege" is now in microfunding at $.25/line, and there are a bunch more Stan/Lawrence poems available, so more is likely to appear during the week.
>> Adorable as ever. And poor, grouchy Lawrence. <<
Lawrence does not deal well with vulnerability.
>> Good for Stan for looking after him (and poor Lawrence, for hardly knowing how to deal with that...). <<
It will take a while for Lawrence to fully grasp that Stan won't take advantage of him, and will actively protect him if necessary. The trust is there, but it's still a tenuous thing.
>> (Also, incidentally - I find it hilarious that my captcha for this comment is "LOVE ME?" *snerk*) <<
*laugh* Oh, that's wonderful. The universe does love synchronicity!
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 07:21 pm (UTC)• Lawrence's house is a tiny little two-story, two-bedroom cottage. See the outside, main floor, and upper floor.
> You have this paragraph in twice. Looks like (copy-and-paste)-instead-of-(cut-and-paste).
Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 07:30 pm (UTC)I wanted to capture that phase of relationship, because so much of romance is a headlong rush to happily-ever-after, and so much hurt/comfort pretends that standoffish people will learn to love coddling in a very brief time. Real relationships tend to be a lot more messy.
>> • Lawrence's house is a tiny little two-story, two-bedroom cottage. See the outside, main floor, and upper floor.
> You have this paragraph in twice. Looks like (copy-and-paste)-instead-of-(cut-and-paste). <<
Fixed.