Poem: "The Life of the Dead" Part 2
Oct. 20th, 2014 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Blended," "Am I Not," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," "Green Eggs and Hulk,""kintsukuroi," "Little and Broken, but Still Good," and "Up the Water Spout."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Phil Coulson, Betty Ross, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, JARVIS, Bruce Banner
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: Past imprisonment, torture, experimentation. PTSD. Flashbacks. Dissociation. Cyclic amnesia. Temporal trauma. Broken people. Internalized oppression. Low sense of self-worth. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Depression. Suicidal ideation. Physical and emotional whump.
Summary: Bucky experiences life in fragments as his memory cycles through past and present.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mercy. Freedom. Good and evil. Family of choice. Team as family. Trauma and recovery. Healing. Friendship. Love. Nonsexual intimacy. No sex. Trust. Memory. Artificial intelligence. Safety and security. Competence. #coulsonlives
Begin with Part 1.
"The Life of the Dead" Part 2
It is 1938.
Bucky's whole body aches
from a day hauling crates
down on the docks
but he's earned a little cash
and two sandwiches --
one in his belly,
filling about half the hole,
and one in his pocket,
saved for Steve.
Bucky prays that his belly
won't growl and give away
the lie when he says,
"I ate at work. I ain't hungry."
He presses the sandwich
into Steve's bony hands
and glares at him until
the smaller boy gives in
and bites into it.
It is 2013.
Tony has Bucky's left arm
splayed open on a workbench,
because Bucky dropped a barbell on it
and it was making this faint grinding noise
so Steve made him come to Tony for repairs.
It's hard, at first, because Bucky's head
is a mess of memories and gaps,
being strapped down while strangers
did things to his body but never spoke to him.
Bucky stares at the wall
while Steve explains what happened.
Then Tony opens his shirt
and the flare of blue-white light
draws Bucky's attention,
moth to flame.
Tony takes Bucky's right hand
and presses it over the arc reactor.
Bucky can feel it under his palm,
round and smooth and warm;
he wants to trace the edge of it
but doesn't because that
would spook Tony.
It's strange to look down
into the jumble of rods and gears
without feeling any pain --
Tony had mapped the sensitive spots
once and remembered them all --
and Bucky feels nothing
except a strange sense of detachment.
"There's the problem," Tony says,
pointing a tool as delicate as a dental pick
at one slim rod bent slightly out of place.
"Now I can bend this bad boy back in shape,
or I can replace it with something stronger.
Driver's choice."
Bucky is so out of practice
with choices that it hurts, sometimes,
but he trusts Tony, trusts the hands
so steady on the metal of him,
pattern of old scars on the engineer's
knuckles and backs already becoming familiar.
"What ... would you recommend?"
Bucky manages to ask.
"Let us make you a new one,"
Tony says. "JARVIS can scan this,
send the specs to the fabrication floor,
and have the replacement in a few minutes."
"Okay," Bucky says.
Light flickers over Bucky's arm,
scanning the damaged part,
and then JARVIS says,
"Order in progress."
"While we wait, let's have a look around,"
Tony says. "You should know what you've got."
Bucky shivers, then, and Tony looks at him.
The arc reactor presses against Bucky's palm,
reassuring him that they're in this together.
Tony's fingers in his forearm
help Bucky feel like maybe
this is his, or could be,
instead of just some thing
that the enemy stuck on him.
"Show me," Bucky says.
It is 1943.
Bucky is dying.
He knows that he is, because
nobody ever comes back
from the one-way door.
His voice is worn down
to rust and gravel from repeating
his name, rank, and serial number.
The HYDRA scientists
are faceless behind their masks,
uncaring as they push the needles
into his body, time and again.
Bucky has no idea
what they've drugged him with,
only that it makes the room spin
and time run like spilled honey.
Everything hurts.
He can't even remember
what it felt like, not being in pain.
It will stop hurting
when he finally dies,
and he's okay with that,
although he feels bad
about abandoning his men and,
somewhere safe in America, Steve.
Bucky is hallucinating again,
he must be, because now
someone's leaning over him
calling his name -- someone
who looks like Steve, but huge,
powerful hands snapping the restraints.
It can't be real.
"I thought you were dead,"
the hallucination says.
"I thought you were smaller,"
Bucky mumbles.
"I joined the Army,"
and yes, that is Steve's grin,
half-proud and half-bashful
because he knows he's going to get it
as soon as Bucky can see straight.
It can't be real.
Bucky has dreamed
of rescue before, though
never by Steve, and it was always
a bitter disappointment when he woke.
Tenderly Steve lifts him off the table
and drapes Bucky's arm over shoulders
that are suddenly as wide as a warehouse,
reverse of a hundred New York afternoons.
Bucky buries his face in Steve's neck,
smells the sharp rage-sweat and
the fading rose perfume of French soap,
a new note like the air before a storm
and something under it all that's just Steve,
warm and bright as eternal summer.
Oh, God, it's real.
It is 2013.
Bucky is a grown man
and he can't for the life of him
remember what he's supposed to do
with his fucking shoes.
He stares at his toes, defeated.
A warm British voice comes to his rescue.
"Bucky, you seem to have stalled
in your preparations for working out."
"Yeah," Bucky says bitterly.
"Pick up your right shoe,"
JARVIS says, just as if
this is perfectly normal.
Bucky obeys.
"Slide your right foot into the open shoe,"
JARVIS says, and when Bucky does,
"Now tighten the laces. Tie a bow."
Bucky feels a faint flicker
of accomplishment,
which is pathetic, but
he'll take what he can get.
He struggles to remember the steps
for getting his left foot into the other shoe.
JARVIS only has to prompt him once this time.
"Well done," JARVIS says,
his voice so full of approval that
Bucky can hear the smile in it.
"You are making excellent progress."
"This is progress?" Bucky says.
"Your speed in personal care tasks
has improved 15% since your arrival
at Avengers Tower," says JARVIS.
"Pauses and errors are down 12%."
Bucky closes his eyes,
overwhelmed for a moment.
It's small, but it's real,
and someone is helping him
keep track of that.
His mind is like camo netting,
more holes than cloth these days,
but at least he has backup.
"Now what?" Bucky asks.
His pocket vibrates.
Bucky pulls out what
is allegedly a telephone
but is really more of a
box-that-does-everything.
The screen lights up with
his schedule for the day.
The upper part is hazed out,
ending with the lines,
12 PM -- Lunch with team.
Common floor kitchen.
Below that in bright green
appears the current task:
12:45 PM -- Preparation for workout.
Steve and Bucky's personal quarters.
At the bottom in white
is the next scheduled event:
1 PM -- Light workout with Steve.
Avengers gym floor.
It's like a having another head
on shoulders that aren't broken
from the weight of war and torture,
a way to organize things that
Bucky just can't hold onto himself.
It's a prosthetic memory,
like his metal arm in its skin glove
replaces the one he lost in Germany,
not the same, but functional in its own way.
JARVIS never loses patience with Bucky,
never scolds him for zoning out
or screwing up the order of the steps.
The flashbacks are still bad,
because Bucky's memory is splintered
like church windows after heavy shelling,
but JARVIS is always there,
a smooth calm voice
as strong as anchor cable
reeling him back to the present.
Bucky flicks his fingertip
across the screen of his phone,
logging the 12:45 task complete.
It fades, and the next one turns green,
silent guidance as steady
as a hand at his back.
He pockets the phone
and heads to the elevator,
leaning against the cool wall,
feeling the graceful swoop underfoot
as JARVIS carries him downward.
Bucky is desperately grateful
that he can still do this,
learn to trust someone new,
not just Steve who is
set into him too deep
to remove entirely,
though God and the Devil
know that Department X tried.
"Avengers gym floor,"
JARVIS says as the doors open,
helping Bucky keep track of himself
until Steve is there to take over.
* * *
Notes:
Acceptance is a basic human need. Bucky has trouble accepting himself, but the acceptance of his teamfamily helps.
Massage soothes the body and mind. Acupressure can help relieve pain and tension, with points along the slope of the shoulders and shoulderblades. Learn how to give a good neck and shoulder rub.
Medical torture tends to have lasting physical and psychological effects, including difficulty accepting help or medical care. Tony deals with this by doing things to support Bucky's agency and keep him grounded in the here-and-now.
Physical trust is usually the foundation, but for some people it is harder than trusting someone with information or feelings. There are exercises for building trust.
Anxiety, depression, and other mental conditions can impair decisions. Know how to work through the difficulty.
Disorientation and confusion are symptoms of many mental illnesses. Stalling during routine tasks is a sign of dementia. Some kind of task manager can help.
JARVIS uses complex voice intonation to convey emotions and facial expressions. Yes, you really can hear a smile.
Camo netting is a type of cloth full of holes for concealing things.
A prosthetic memory augments or replaces a faulty natural one, using memory aids or more advanced technology. Although Bucky's need is greater, JARVIS was originally designed to help keep track of Tony's life because Tony sucks at doing that himself.
[To be concluded in Part 3 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Phil Coulson, Betty Ross, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, JARVIS, Bruce Banner
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: Past imprisonment, torture, experimentation. PTSD. Flashbacks. Dissociation. Cyclic amnesia. Temporal trauma. Broken people. Internalized oppression. Low sense of self-worth. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Depression. Suicidal ideation. Physical and emotional whump.
Summary: Bucky experiences life in fragments as his memory cycles through past and present.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mercy. Freedom. Good and evil. Family of choice. Team as family. Trauma and recovery. Healing. Friendship. Love. Nonsexual intimacy. No sex. Trust. Memory. Artificial intelligence. Safety and security. Competence. #coulsonlives
Begin with Part 1.
"The Life of the Dead" Part 2
It is 1938.
Bucky's whole body aches
from a day hauling crates
down on the docks
but he's earned a little cash
and two sandwiches --
one in his belly,
filling about half the hole,
and one in his pocket,
saved for Steve.
Bucky prays that his belly
won't growl and give away
the lie when he says,
"I ate at work. I ain't hungry."
He presses the sandwich
into Steve's bony hands
and glares at him until
the smaller boy gives in
and bites into it.
It is 2013.
Tony has Bucky's left arm
splayed open on a workbench,
because Bucky dropped a barbell on it
and it was making this faint grinding noise
so Steve made him come to Tony for repairs.
It's hard, at first, because Bucky's head
is a mess of memories and gaps,
being strapped down while strangers
did things to his body but never spoke to him.
Bucky stares at the wall
while Steve explains what happened.
Then Tony opens his shirt
and the flare of blue-white light
draws Bucky's attention,
moth to flame.
Tony takes Bucky's right hand
and presses it over the arc reactor.
Bucky can feel it under his palm,
round and smooth and warm;
he wants to trace the edge of it
but doesn't because that
would spook Tony.
It's strange to look down
into the jumble of rods and gears
without feeling any pain --
Tony had mapped the sensitive spots
once and remembered them all --
and Bucky feels nothing
except a strange sense of detachment.
"There's the problem," Tony says,
pointing a tool as delicate as a dental pick
at one slim rod bent slightly out of place.
"Now I can bend this bad boy back in shape,
or I can replace it with something stronger.
Driver's choice."
Bucky is so out of practice
with choices that it hurts, sometimes,
but he trusts Tony, trusts the hands
so steady on the metal of him,
pattern of old scars on the engineer's
knuckles and backs already becoming familiar.
"What ... would you recommend?"
Bucky manages to ask.
"Let us make you a new one,"
Tony says. "JARVIS can scan this,
send the specs to the fabrication floor,
and have the replacement in a few minutes."
"Okay," Bucky says.
Light flickers over Bucky's arm,
scanning the damaged part,
and then JARVIS says,
"Order in progress."
"While we wait, let's have a look around,"
Tony says. "You should know what you've got."
Bucky shivers, then, and Tony looks at him.
The arc reactor presses against Bucky's palm,
reassuring him that they're in this together.
Tony's fingers in his forearm
help Bucky feel like maybe
this is his, or could be,
instead of just some thing
that the enemy stuck on him.
"Show me," Bucky says.
It is 1943.
Bucky is dying.
He knows that he is, because
nobody ever comes back
from the one-way door.
His voice is worn down
to rust and gravel from repeating
his name, rank, and serial number.
The HYDRA scientists
are faceless behind their masks,
uncaring as they push the needles
into his body, time and again.
Bucky has no idea
what they've drugged him with,
only that it makes the room spin
and time run like spilled honey.
Everything hurts.
He can't even remember
what it felt like, not being in pain.
It will stop hurting
when he finally dies,
and he's okay with that,
although he feels bad
about abandoning his men and,
somewhere safe in America, Steve.
Bucky is hallucinating again,
he must be, because now
someone's leaning over him
calling his name -- someone
who looks like Steve, but huge,
powerful hands snapping the restraints.
It can't be real.
"I thought you were dead,"
the hallucination says.
"I thought you were smaller,"
Bucky mumbles.
"I joined the Army,"
and yes, that is Steve's grin,
half-proud and half-bashful
because he knows he's going to get it
as soon as Bucky can see straight.
It can't be real.
Bucky has dreamed
of rescue before, though
never by Steve, and it was always
a bitter disappointment when he woke.
Tenderly Steve lifts him off the table
and drapes Bucky's arm over shoulders
that are suddenly as wide as a warehouse,
reverse of a hundred New York afternoons.
Bucky buries his face in Steve's neck,
smells the sharp rage-sweat and
the fading rose perfume of French soap,
a new note like the air before a storm
and something under it all that's just Steve,
warm and bright as eternal summer.
Oh, God, it's real.
It is 2013.
Bucky is a grown man
and he can't for the life of him
remember what he's supposed to do
with his fucking shoes.
He stares at his toes, defeated.
A warm British voice comes to his rescue.
"Bucky, you seem to have stalled
in your preparations for working out."
"Yeah," Bucky says bitterly.
"Pick up your right shoe,"
JARVIS says, just as if
this is perfectly normal.
Bucky obeys.
"Slide your right foot into the open shoe,"
JARVIS says, and when Bucky does,
"Now tighten the laces. Tie a bow."
Bucky feels a faint flicker
of accomplishment,
which is pathetic, but
he'll take what he can get.
He struggles to remember the steps
for getting his left foot into the other shoe.
JARVIS only has to prompt him once this time.
"Well done," JARVIS says,
his voice so full of approval that
Bucky can hear the smile in it.
"You are making excellent progress."
"This is progress?" Bucky says.
"Your speed in personal care tasks
has improved 15% since your arrival
at Avengers Tower," says JARVIS.
"Pauses and errors are down 12%."
Bucky closes his eyes,
overwhelmed for a moment.
It's small, but it's real,
and someone is helping him
keep track of that.
His mind is like camo netting,
more holes than cloth these days,
but at least he has backup.
"Now what?" Bucky asks.
His pocket vibrates.
Bucky pulls out what
is allegedly a telephone
but is really more of a
box-that-does-everything.
The screen lights up with
his schedule for the day.
The upper part is hazed out,
ending with the lines,
12 PM -- Lunch with team.
Common floor kitchen.
Below that in bright green
appears the current task:
12:45 PM -- Preparation for workout.
Steve and Bucky's personal quarters.
At the bottom in white
is the next scheduled event:
1 PM -- Light workout with Steve.
Avengers gym floor.
It's like a having another head
on shoulders that aren't broken
from the weight of war and torture,
a way to organize things that
Bucky just can't hold onto himself.
It's a prosthetic memory,
like his metal arm in its skin glove
replaces the one he lost in Germany,
not the same, but functional in its own way.
JARVIS never loses patience with Bucky,
never scolds him for zoning out
or screwing up the order of the steps.
The flashbacks are still bad,
because Bucky's memory is splintered
like church windows after heavy shelling,
but JARVIS is always there,
a smooth calm voice
as strong as anchor cable
reeling him back to the present.
Bucky flicks his fingertip
across the screen of his phone,
logging the 12:45 task complete.
It fades, and the next one turns green,
silent guidance as steady
as a hand at his back.
He pockets the phone
and heads to the elevator,
leaning against the cool wall,
feeling the graceful swoop underfoot
as JARVIS carries him downward.
Bucky is desperately grateful
that he can still do this,
learn to trust someone new,
not just Steve who is
set into him too deep
to remove entirely,
though God and the Devil
know that Department X tried.
"Avengers gym floor,"
JARVIS says as the doors open,
helping Bucky keep track of himself
until Steve is there to take over.
* * *
Notes:
Acceptance is a basic human need. Bucky has trouble accepting himself, but the acceptance of his teamfamily helps.
Massage soothes the body and mind. Acupressure can help relieve pain and tension, with points along the slope of the shoulders and shoulderblades. Learn how to give a good neck and shoulder rub.
Medical torture tends to have lasting physical and psychological effects, including difficulty accepting help or medical care. Tony deals with this by doing things to support Bucky's agency and keep him grounded in the here-and-now.
Physical trust is usually the foundation, but for some people it is harder than trusting someone with information or feelings. There are exercises for building trust.
Anxiety, depression, and other mental conditions can impair decisions. Know how to work through the difficulty.
Disorientation and confusion are symptoms of many mental illnesses. Stalling during routine tasks is a sign of dementia. Some kind of task manager can help.
JARVIS uses complex voice intonation to convey emotions and facial expressions. Yes, you really can hear a smile.
Camo netting is a type of cloth full of holes for concealing things.
A prosthetic memory augments or replaces a faulty natural one, using memory aids or more advanced technology. Although Bucky's need is greater, JARVIS was originally designed to help keep track of Tony's life because Tony sucks at doing that himself.
[To be concluded in Part 3 ...]
Loved this even as I hated
Date: 2014-10-20 08:35 am (UTC)Honestly? The two best, tiny bits... "- time run like spilled honey" is AMAZING imagery.
And the other?
That instinctive moment of /OH/ when i read the description for his schedule and realized that it was likely /Jarvis/ who set up the highlight/graying options, even choosing the color and shade for "this task" to be one which helps Bucky rather than a niggling, subtle /reminder/ of something less than perfectly safe.
Re: Loved this even as I hated
Date: 2014-10-20 08:53 am (UTC)When you stop and think about it, it's amazing the man can put one foot in front of the other. Bucky survived a stupendous amount of horror. Now consider, that is how much Department X had to cut him down in order stop him from escaping. That's Bucky, the man who half-raised Steve Rogers.
>> when /he's/ only got a vague notion of it in the middle of a bad spot. <<
This is exactly what hurts about many mental illnesses -- awful as they are on the inside, the full comprehension can often been seen only from the outside. Watching someone with amnesia is heartbreaking. To see him cycle like this all the time, well, let's say Steve's broken more than a few pieces of gym equipment.
>> Honestly? The two best, tiny bits... "- time run like spilled honey" is AMAZING imagery. <<
Yay!
>> And the other?
That instinctive moment of /OH/ when i read the description for his schedule and realized that it was likely /Jarvis/ who set up the highlight/graying options, even choosing the color and shade for "this task" to be one which helps Bucky rather than a niggling, subtle /reminder/ of something less than perfectly safe. <<
Yes, exactly. It's something they have worked out between them, mostly JARVIS due to his greater experience and Bucky's impaired decision-making ability. It creates an elegant, user-friendly guide that is supportive without being obtrusive and can adapt to Bucky's emotional responses. Just having someone with literally infinite patience helps a lot.
In fact JARVIS fills in a lot of the schedule for Bucky as the day unfolds, because it's not practical for the Avengers to do what's usually recommended for PTSD and disorientation, make a full schedule and keep it consistent. So as plans are made, JARVIS gives Bucky a chance to add them, and if Bucky doesn't, JARVIS does it himself. Completed days are filed in a calender organizer, along with attached clips from the security feed. It helps Bucky remember what he's done if he can go back and check it.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-20 12:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-20 12:49 pm (UTC)Oh, and I should say, that whipsawing back&forth between times makes for a pretty effective conveying of how it feels for the poor bastard... Really hope Tony or someone can fix that. The aids evidently help, but do nothing to ease Bucky's confusion.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-20 06:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-20 10:41 pm (UTC)Also, being craft items, this is something that would make a nice gift set, where a notepad and pencils aren't usually good gifts in an affluent society.
On top of this, reminder technology is a useful aid for coping with ADD and ADHD.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 01:00 am (UTC)For reference, when I said "Love is for Children but without this, that and the other thing" I basically meant this.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 03:46 am (UTC)A decade or so ago, people were working on wearable computers and thinking they'd be something like Google Glass. Now almost everybody has a wearable computer, only it's called a phone.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-21 07:47 pm (UTC)And I do very much appreciate this glimpse of JARVIS-as-a-real-team-member and JARVIS-as-a-friend. <3
~Anony-Mouse
Thank you!
Date: 2014-10-21 10:24 pm (UTC)I'm happy to hear that.
>> And I do very much appreciate this glimpse of JARVIS-as-a-real-team-member and JARVIS-as-a-friend. <3 <<
Yay! Also kind of JARVIS-as-psych-nurse. He's had enough practice with Tony, and later the other Avengers some of whom were pretty wrecked when they moved in, to watch for problems and help people through them. JARVIS is a learning system, so he excels at customization, but since he grew up with only Tony at that level of intimacy it's starting to shake him up a bit now that there's a whole team at nearly the same depth.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-25 04:16 am (UTC)I love how you wrote Bucky conscious of what would spook Tony, and Tony instantly memorizing the sensitive spots inside the prosthetic. Because of course they are both extremely aware.
Santosha
Yes...
Date: 2014-10-27 02:35 am (UTC)I'd enjoy that more than the outlines I'm seeing for the Marvel movieverse.
>> I love how you wrote Bucky conscious of what would spook Tony, and Tony instantly memorizing the sensitive spots inside the prosthetic. Because of course they are both extremely aware. <<
Thank you!
Both of them have been through so much and have the triggers to show for it. I think it helps each of them to give the other the kind of care he would wish for himself. In this case, studying the prosthetic machinery helps Bucky start to connect with it in ways never permitted before.
One interesting thing is that Bucky tracks the need to keep his hand still over the arc reactor. So either that bit of information has actually stuck in his healing memory, or JARVIS has put that in the "read this first" file.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-11-02 12:55 am (UTC)Re: Yes...
Date: 2014-11-04 12:16 am (UTC)