Okay. This seems like a problem across your prose series (I went and looked at your new story, even though the subject matter doesn't interest me, and it's even worse there; more on that in a bit), so if I were you (though of course I am not) I'd consider it an urgent thing to fix. I don't personally know a lot about style, but I do see some of the issues clearly and I'm willing to help, and maybe there will be some learning together going on.
there are layers of 'filters' in this series,
Which is why I didn't notice sooner; this fits with the Phil-POV installments. But it's not just a LIFC problem, either, and some of it reminds me of your writing voice when you write nonfiction prose, too.
It may be that the wider the parallax gets, the worse the shear.
I don't take your meaning here.
Is it worse with Bruce or Hulk than with other characters besides Phil?
1. This isn't (as much of?) an issue with your poetry. IDK why not. So toss Saudades out of our sample for some reason. I have a few guesses as to why that is, but couldn't say for sure.
2. I read your Bruce POV prose work quickly and with an eye for content, when the whole idea of a fixing-things arc was new to me and I would have devoured it if it had been written by an android, so set the Bruce POV prose story about shoelaces aside for a moment, too. Let's talk Hulk. Your Hulk POV is good. I like your Hulk POV. Part of this is that making statements of fact about his feelings about the world seems to fit with how you've chosen to characterise him. Your Hulk thinks about whether or not safety is real, whether or not people are nice, how he feels about everything, etc. Fine. Your Hulk is your Hulk, and he's very much himself, too, and not exactly you.
Okay, so, as I said, I wanted to know whether this was something you could break out of in a story where it would be obviously inappropriate and the answer is apparently no. Now, not having any actual interest in Brotherlove, Brotherlust, this could be my bias showing, but I feel like the issue is story-breaking there, contributes to wildly OOC Loki POV here in Am I Not, and was noticeable and somewhat annoying in Hairpins. Since it was so noticeable there, I actually went over B,B part 1 with my metaphorical red pen to see what the problems actually were, not at the squidgy "this feels too clinical" level, but on the level of words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs and scene construction, and I'd be willing to pick similarly at Am I Not and show you the results of either or both.
Now that I think about it, one of the things that I noticed on going over B,B with a metaphorical fine-toothed comb is also a problem in your longer poetic series, but in a different way. More specifically, you have a problem with building tension and conflict. I drew a graph; I could probably try to put it into words if you're interested. Now, for a more traditional writer, that would break any story you tried to write-- but luckily for you you aren't a traditional writer and tension is not a make-or-break issue in most of your stories. At least, not in quite the same way as it is for other people. And I feel like this is maybe too vague, but I can try to get into more detail about it if you're interested. (And of course, I could be wrong about this being where a problem lies.)
But another issue is with your choice of what to show and what to tell-- to put it frankly and risk making a false generalisation, you tell too much about emotions, especially emotional reactions to things ("emotions" vs. "emotional reactions to things" is a distinction that makes 100% more sense in my head; I'm willing to take this to PM and give specific, detailed examples). And another thing is beginning scenes. You have too much telling there, too. It's another thing that works okay in Love is for Children (not the series, the specific story that began the series), and is even a feature rather than a bug, but works a bit worse in Hairpins and is storybreaking in B,B. (It's not present in Am I Not, probably because this is one very long scene.)
If you'd be open to it, I'd like to talk about style with you, and I'd like PMs better than comments for that if you're open to it. I think both of us could learn something from trying to discuss and dissect it, and I feel like I haven't finished explaining or fully explained what I'm talking about here.
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dancing_serpent
Re: Hmm...
Date: 2014-05-16 07:39 am (UTC)Okay. This seems like a problem across your prose series (I went and looked at your new story, even though the subject matter doesn't interest me, and it's even worse there; more on that in a bit), so if I were you (though of course I am not) I'd consider it an urgent thing to fix. I don't personally know a lot about style, but I do see some of the issues clearly and I'm willing to help, and maybe there will be some learning together going on.
there are layers of 'filters' in this series,
Which is why I didn't notice sooner; this fits with the Phil-POV installments. But it's not just a LIFC problem, either, and some of it reminds me of your writing voice when you write nonfiction prose, too.
It may be that the wider the parallax gets, the worse the shear.
I don't take your meaning here.
Is it worse with Bruce or Hulk than with other characters besides Phil?
1. This isn't (as much of?) an issue with your poetry. IDK why not. So toss Saudades out of our sample for some reason. I have a few guesses as to why that is, but couldn't say for sure.
2. I read your Bruce POV prose work quickly and with an eye for content, when the whole idea of a fixing-things arc was new to me and I would have devoured it if it had been written by an android, so set the Bruce POV prose story about shoelaces aside for a moment, too. Let's talk Hulk. Your Hulk POV is good. I like your Hulk POV. Part of this is that making statements of fact about his feelings about the world seems to fit with how you've chosen to characterise him. Your Hulk thinks about whether or not safety is real, whether or not people are nice, how he feels about everything, etc. Fine. Your Hulk is your Hulk, and he's very much himself, too, and not exactly you.
Okay, so, as I said, I wanted to know whether this was something you could break out of in a story where it would be obviously inappropriate and the answer is apparently no. Now, not having any actual interest in Brotherlove, Brotherlust, this could be my bias showing, but I feel like the issue is story-breaking there, contributes to wildly OOC Loki POV here in Am I Not, and was noticeable and somewhat annoying in Hairpins. Since it was so noticeable there, I actually went over B,B part 1 with my metaphorical red pen to see what the problems actually were, not at the squidgy "this feels too clinical" level, but on the level of words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs and scene construction, and I'd be willing to pick similarly at Am I Not and show you the results of either or both.
Now that I think about it, one of the things that I noticed on going over B,B with a metaphorical fine-toothed comb is also a problem in your longer poetic series, but in a different way. More specifically, you have a problem with building tension and conflict. I drew a graph; I could probably try to put it into words if you're interested. Now, for a more traditional writer, that would break any story you tried to write-- but luckily for you you aren't a traditional writer and tension is not a make-or-break issue in most of your stories. At least, not in quite the same way as it is for other people. And I feel like this is maybe too vague, but I can try to get into more detail about it if you're interested. (And of course, I could be wrong about this being where a problem lies.)
But another issue is with your choice of what to show and what to tell-- to put it frankly and risk making a false generalisation, you tell too much about emotions, especially emotional reactions to things ("emotions" vs. "emotional reactions to things" is a distinction that makes 100% more sense in my head; I'm willing to take this to PM and give specific, detailed examples). And another thing is beginning scenes. You have too much telling there, too. It's another thing that works okay in Love is for Children (not the series, the specific story that began the series), and is even a feature rather than a bug, but works a bit worse in Hairpins and is storybreaking in B,B. (It's not present in Am I Not, probably because this is one very long scene.)
If you'd be open to it, I'd like to talk about style with you, and I'd like PMs better than comments for that if you're open to it. I think both of us could learn something from trying to discuss and dissect it, and I feel like I haven't finished explaining or fully explained what I'm talking about here.