Empty Boxes

[ysabetwordsmith]

I found this wonderful quote about marriage.

Life is a series of empty boxes.  Each relationship, each job or hobby, your religion, your community, all the stuff you do -- it's just a container.  You have to add the filling yourself.  If you're working with other people, you have to mind who's putting stuff in vs. who's taking stuff out.  Always try to add a little bit  more than you take out.  Don't just mooch, and don't let people take advantage of you.  Aim for a healthy balance.  You don't have to add and subtract the same kind of thing; you can put in praise and take out cuddles, or whatever.  Relationships are about an exchange of energy.

Comments

Skills need to be taught

[dialecticdreamer]

Real, solid conversations about important things didn't seem to happen much when I needed them. I've had to stumble into stuff pretty much every day since learning to crawl. (And the stuff before then was no picnic, either). But THIS bit... THIS one idea may be why, of thirty or so people I knew who got married in their early-to-mid-twenties, only ONE is still married to the same person.

Whenever someone calls me "lucky," I say, "Yes, I found someone willing to work as hard at a common goal as I am."

Re: Skills need to be taught

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Real, solid conversations about important things didn't seem to happen much when I needed them. <<

I got a lot of that from my parents. Some, on different topics, from my grandparents. A few elsewhere.

>> I've had to stumble into stuff pretty much every day since learning to crawl. <<

Much of what I know, I learned myself.

>> But THIS bit... THIS one idea may be why, of thirty or so people I knew who got married in their early-to-mid-twenties, only ONE is still married to the same person. <<

It's rare for a marriage to last more than a few years now. Much of that is skill loss. People don't know how to solve relationship problems as well as they used to. Same with friendships, in fact.

>> Whenever someone calls me "lucky," I say, "Yes, I found someone willing to work as hard at a common goal as I am." <<

Agreed. Nobody's perfect, so you have to find someone whose flaws you can tolerate and who's willing to put up with yours; and both of you have to invest in maintaining the relationship despite whatever bumps it encounters.

Re: Skills need to be taught

[thnidu]

>> But THIS bit... THIS one idea may be why, of thirty or so people I knew who got married in their early-to-mid-twenties, only ONE is still married to the same person. <<

It's rare for a marriage to last more than a few years now. Much of that is skill loss. People don't know how to solve relationship problems as well as they used to. Same with friendships, in fact.

I was very lucky; some might say "blessed". There's a Yiddish word "beshert" ("er" sounding like "air"), meaning "the person Heaven has intended as a match for you". That marriage and the four years before it comprised the 42 best years of my life. Part of it was, we talked things out.

(Veering way off topic)
Right now as I pack and clear frantically and disorganizedly, my house is WAY too full of half-empty boxes. The full ones are shelved in the basement and stacked in the garage.

Re: Skills need to be taught

[ysabetwordsmith]

It sounds like you were indeed blessed with a wonderful relationship. Thanks for sharing.

[bbwoof.livejournal.com]

This is so true, it hurts.

Linking...

*hugs*

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

I wish you all the good things to put in your boxes.

[patina.livejournal.com]

And that's why it's so hard. It's inappropriate to actually count what each person contributes. Instead you rely on how each person feels about it. Which is what communication is for, I guess. But some topics are always awkward and it's hard when you have a poor memory.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> And that's why it's so hard. It's inappropriate to actually count what each person contributes. Instead you rely on how each person feels about it. Which is what communication is for, I guess. <<

I tend to count by mass, not individual acts, although I do sometimes count major things as "I owe so-and-so a favor." Mostly I just keep in mind the overall balance of contribution to sense that a relationship is reasonably balanced, although it doesn't have to be the same kind of input or at the same time. I just want to avoid relationships that are greatly off-balance with one person mostly giving and the other mostly taking.

>> But some topics are always awkward and it's hard when you have a poor memory. <<

Memory gaps make everything harder. :( In such cases, it helps to set up a regular schedule for putting things into the box. It's usually possible to identity things you both enjoy doing together (and thus, both are investing in the relationship) and things each of you does for the other. You may not be able to track the balance clearly if you can't remember all the deposits and withdrawals, but you can at least make sure there ARE some deposits. Just caring enough to do that can be a big help.

Families with a strong sense of community often have regular family-time. They might have a weekly meal that everyone cooks together, or a time to play games, or a movie night, etc. It's a way of setting aside time for each other and doing stuff together.