Poem: "Who We Don't Ever Want to Be"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This poem is spillover from the February 4, 2025 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from fuzzyred. It also fills the "nostalgia" square in my 2-1-25 card for the Valentines Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred. It belongs to the Trichromatic Attractions thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.

Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes sobriety issues, angst, failed coping skills, self-loathing, difficulty planning, frustration with new skills, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.


"Who We Don't Ever Want to Be"

[Monday, January 27, 2014]

Shivering from the frigid air, Tarnish
brushed off snow as he stalked into
the Riverton Sobering Center and
looked around to see who was
currently working the intake room.

Roy popped out of his chair and
hurried over to meet him. "Hi, how
are you?" he said. "How much
alcohol have you had today?"

"None, and I'd like to keep it
that way," said Tarnish. "I mean,
I'm craving a drink something awful,
but I don't want to get drunk. I was
hoping -- I mean, can I even come
in here when I'm not smashed yet?"

"Of course you can, you're welcome
any time you feel that we can help you
with your pursuit of responsible use,"
said Roy. "I'm so glad you came
here instead of hitting a bar."

"Yeah, no, that hasn't worked
very well for me, so I'm trying
to avoid it," said Tarnish. "Can
we maybe go somewhere private?"

"Sure, let me just log you in and
claim a room," Roy assured him.

It only took a minute for him
to jot down the entry and then
lead Tarnish to a private room.

"Thanks," said Tarnish. "I'd rather
not make a spectacle of myself."

"No problem," said Roy. "May I
run a quick health check, though?"

"I'm not drunk," said Tarnish.
"That's whole point of coming."

"I know," said Roy. "I would
still like to get some readings
while you're sober, even if
you're all wound up now. It'll
make a useful comparison."

"Fffffine," Tarnish grumbled.
He flopped into the exam chair
and let Roy make the check.

"Your heart is really galloping,"
Roy said, frowning. "You okay?"

"Obviously not, or I wouldn't be
here," Tarnish said. "Plus I came
from Windy's Warehouse Gym."

"Ah, that'll do it," said Roy.
"Congratulations on making
an effort for other coping skills.
What else did you try today?"

"A bunch of stuff while we
were still together, but that
just made matters worse,"
Tarnish said glumly. "So
then I tried a walk in the park,
that stupid meditation class,
drinking a mocktail instead of
alcohol, and finally Windy's."

"That's a good stack," said Roy.
"You really worked hard on that."

"But it didn't work!" Tarnish wailed.
"It never works, I still feel like crap,
I always wind up back here no matter
what else I try, and I'm such a fuckup."

"Hey, no, none of that," said Roy.
"You are not a fuckup, and you
are making great progress."

"I ruin everything I touch and
you've seen what a wreck
my life is," Tarnish replied.

"I've seen you at your worst,"
Roy said. "I've also seen you
come in here totally sober and
drop ten thousand dollars in
donations without a blink. So
you are definitely not a fuckup."

He dragged a chair over so he
could sit with Tarnish. "Do you
want to tell me what's gotten
you so wound up today?"

"Not really," said Tarnish.
"We were trying to talk about
plans for the future, and I don't
make plans, because I don't have
a future, and then it all fell apart.
I don't have the energy to hash
it out all over again with you."

"Okay," Roy said easily. "Can
you think of anything else that
might help? I'll do what I can."

"I don't know," said Tarnish. "It's
just easier with you. At least if
I'm here, I'm not out drinking."

"Exactly!" said Roy. "I'm so proud
of you for making this choice today."

"Yeah, but I shouldn't keep tying up
your time like this," said Tarnish.

"This is precisely what I'm here for,"
Roy said. "If you feel bad about it,
though, you might explore other options
as well. Have you tried a counselor
or considered a sober companion?"

"I've talked to a couple of counselors,
but neither one felt comfortable with
a supervillain," said Tarnish. "I can't
deal with a sober companion because
I have my hands full with relationships."

"Good points," Roy said, frowning. "Hmm,
I can send your emfriends tips for support.
I'll also make a note to search for counselors
who can handle soups, since we're getting
more and more of those thanks to you."

"Sorry," Tarnish said. "I didn't mean
to dump all that stuff on you like this."

"Never, ever apologize for routing
addicts in our direction," said Roy.
"Every one that we see is a chance
to save someone's life, and we are
deeply grateful for every opportunity."

"I just don't want to be that guy,"
Tarnish said. "I don't want to be
the mooch, the drunk, the one
people groan when they see
him coming. My superpower is
bad enough, I don't need to make
it worse by being a complete dick."

"Then you're on the right path, and
I'll help as best I can," said Roy.

"Thanks," said Tarnish. "It's
so hard to stay motivated,
though. I think I used up
a week's worth of willpower
just getting in the door today."

"Sometimes we motivate
ourselves by thinking of
what we want to become,"
said Roy. "Sometimes we
motivate ourselves by thinking
about who we don't ever want to be
again. Use whichever works for you."

"Does it really work?" Tarnish asked.
"Because I'm seriously struggling here."

"Everything we do is part of who we are,"
said Roy. "I know you're wrestling with
a lot of difficult experiences. So am I,
even now. How we choose to use
those memories, to motivate or
to submit, is entirely up to us."

"You help people," Tarnish said.
"That's what motivates you."

"As much as possible,"
Roy said. "It works for me."

"I'm a supervillain, not a hero,"
said Tarnish. "I'm just grateful
that you take me as I am and
don't try to pressure me into
being perfect as others have."

"My job is to help you stay
as sober as you want to be,"
Roy said. "No more, no less."

"Thanks," said Tarnish. "It's
nice to be around someone
so relaxed. Most medics
tend to be a lot pushier."

"Sober support includes
training on how not to do
that shit," Roy said firmly.
"By the way, this reminds
me of something. Do you
like baking or cooking?"

"Yeah, sometimes,"
said Tarnish. "Nothing
fancy but I can make
cookies, pancakes,
quickbread, meatloaf,
just everyday stuff."

"Then you might want
to explore extracts,"
said Roy. "For folks
who want to moderate
rather than eliminate
alcohol, some find that
using culinary amounts
helps to avoid bingeing."

"Sure, I could try that,"
said Tarnish. "I'm cooking
more than I used to because
I have a cabin of my own now."

"Try a few different extracts,
and you might want bitters
for a more complex flavor,"
Roy said. "You can make
a whole different cookie just
by swapping the flavoring."

"Can you ... take notes for
me?" Tarnish asked. "I'm
kind of a mess even sober."

"Of course," Roy said as he
picked up a tablet computer.
"I'll make a file for you, and
then you can have copies in
digital and paper formats."

"Thanks," said Tarnish. "I
really wish I had a beer --
not to get drunk, just to settle
my nerves some. It helps."

Roy raised his eyebrows.
"Do you often drink a beer
or two for that purpose?"

"Yeah, sometimes I do,"
said Tarnish. "If I'm drinking
to get drunk, then I need liquor.
The beer is just for relaxing."

"Then you might try hops
without the alcohol," said Roy.
"It's available as herbal tea
and various other forms."

"I may do that," said Tarnish.
"I do need other options."

"In fact, some people even
stuff pillows with the cones
to aid sleep," Roy added.

"I want one," Tarnish said.
"Sometimes I have a hard time
getting to sleep or staying asleep."

"Then definitely try a dreampillow,"
said Roy. "You can add all kinds
of soothing herbs to create a scent
that you like. Roses, chamomile,
and lavender are all popular."

"I think I've seen something
like that at events," Tarnish said.
"I'm not sure where to look for
such things otherwise, though."

Roy turned his attention back
to the tablet. "I'll list a few ideas
locally," he said. "Our town has
an apothecary, a health food store,
and a few other places that sell
herbs. We also have a couple
of professional herbalists."

"... who are willing deal with
supervillains?" Tarnish asked.

"I'll check on that," Roy said,
then got up to rummage in
a cabinet. "Here, these are
flyers on herbs that people
may find helpful in recovery."

"I like herbs," said Tarnish.
"Folks on the reservation
share herbal tea a lot --
sage or sweetgrass,
sometimes other stuff.
They help me relax."

"That's good," said Roy.
"Explore different flavors
and think about stocking
a comfort cabinet at home."

"That feels right," said Tarnish.
"It'd give me one more thing
to try before getting drunk
or taking refuge in here."

"Speaking of things to try,
you really are doing great
at using your coping skills
before resorting to alcohol,"
said Roy. "I think if we give
you more things to try, you
could go down a list of skills
and maybe not take a drink."

"A list would help," said Tarnish.
"It's hard to think of things to do
when I'm freaking out. I mean,
some of the coping skills that
people recommend are dumb,
but I have to try something."

"Cross off anything that you
find dumb or uncomfortable,"
said Roy. "Coping skills should
help you feel relaxed or happy.
However, I do encourage you
to try new things -- you never
know what you might like."

"So what kind of skills do
you suggest?" said Tarnish.
"Lists and worksheets are
easier to deal with than
skittish counselors are."

"Well, I hope you don't
give up on counselors
forever," Roy said as he
fetched more handouts,
sorting them into a binder.
"Most have modules on
coping skills that they
can guide you through."

"Eh, I'll think about it,"
said Tarnish, though he
wasn't hopeful. "What
do you have for me?"

"There are coping skills
for managing emotions or
stress, and increasing calm,"
said Roy. "You have a cabin,
so home care as self care is
another option. Healthy food
is helpful. I've got resources
on self-care for men too."

"I like the food references,"
said Tarnish. "I've been
trying to eat better, and
I think it's helping some."

"Good to hear," Roy said
as he handed the binder
to Tarnish. "Poor diet
can wreck everything."

Tarnish cupped it in
his hands. The weight
felt reassuring to him,
a tangible reminder that
someone cared about
him, whether or not any
of the contents worked.

"So ... is there a certain way
to do this stuff, or should I just
try whatever?" said Tarnish.

"There's no one way, but there
are things that usually work better,"
said Roy. "I recommend that you
look for things that appeal to you
and make sure to try those. Also,
when you find some that work,
make a short list to use when you
get stressed over something."

"Yeah, I should probably
write down the ones that
I already try, like the gym
and hiking," Tarnish said.

He thought about who he
was, who he had been, who
he never wanted to be again,
and who he wished to become.

He felt grateful to have Roy
supporting him in that journey.

His restless fingers picked
and pulled at a loose thread
that danged from his jeans.

"Do you need something
do to with your hands
for a while?" Roy asked.

"Good idea," said Tarnish.
"I don't know what, though."

"Do you know how to knit?"
Roy said. "It's a fun hobby."

"I never learned, but I've
enjoyed watching you
do it," said Tarnish.
"Sure, we can try."

"Let me grab my bag,
and I'll be right back,"
Roy said, getting up.

It only took a minute
before he returned.

"I've got plenty of
knitting needles and
yarn," said Roy. "It's
best to start with yarn
in a medium color so
you can see your work."

He handed Tarnish a set
of bamboo knitting needles
and a ball of gray cotton yarn.

"This is how you cast on,"
Roy said. "It puts a row of
loops on the knitting needle,
then you go back and knit them.
It's okay to practice just this step
until you feel comfortable with it."

Figuring out how to make the loops
correctly took a few minutes, but
Tarnish discovered that he liked
making a neat row, then pulling
them off to practice it again.

"I think that I've got it now?"
Tarnish said, staring at them.

"Yeah, that's good enough
to start working," Roy said.
"Here's how to do the next bit."

He showed Tarnish the steps
for the knit stitch. Then Roy put
his hands over Tarnish's hands
and showed the steps again.

Actually making the knit stitch
by using the second needle
to manipulate those loops was
a lot harder than casting on, and
the result was an awkward strip.

"I suck at this," Tarnish muttered.

"You are new at this," said Roy.
"It just takes practice to learn.
Are you at least enjoying it?"

"Yeah, it's fun to play with,
even if it's not coming out
quite right," said Tarnish.

"Then don't worry about
how it looks," said Roy.
"You can knit and rip
until the yarn gives out.
Once you're satisfied
with your stitches, just
make a square and
you've got a dishrag."

"Okay, I can do that,"
Tarnish said, and
focused on his work.

He liked the soft sound
of the knitting needles.

It was relaxing, and
it teased at a sense
of nostalgia that he
couldn't quite place.

Maybe someone in
his family had done it,
or even a babysitter.

It definitely helped
settle his nerves,
so this was going
on the short list.

"See now, you're
doing better already,"
Roy said. "That row
has nice even stitches."

"Thanks," said Tarnish.
"Cavalier would learn it
faster than me, though."

"Yeah, but you told me
his superpower makes
it easier for him to learn
physical skills," said Roy.

"Cavalier can pick up
almost anything quickly,"
said Tarnish. "It's cool,
and kind of frustrating too."

"Then just focus on what
you can do," said Roy.

"I'm trying to, but I keep
thinking about Cavalier and
Princessa," said Tarnish. "I
want us to connect better,
but I suck at relationships."

"You know, I've thought of
something that might help you
with your emfriends," said Roy.

"What?" Tarnish said, leaning
forward. "I'll try almost anything."

"I think you should include them
in your coping skills," said Roy.
"Try out different things together
when you all feel calm and happy."

Tarnish sighed. "Calm I can
sometimes manage. I am
rarely happy," he admitted.

"Many people who struggle
with substances also have
difficulty finding happiness
or other positive emotions,"
said Roy. "You're not alone."

"Then why suggest trying that?"
Tarnish said. "It sounds hard."

"If you do pleasant things together,
it becomes part of your relationship,"
said Roy. "That should make it easier
for them to support you, because then
being with them and doing fun things
will make memories of comfort which
should help you all stay calm even
when discussing difficult topics."

"Ah," Tarnish said, enlightened.
"That would be useful. I'm bad
at this sort of stuff by myself."

"You're inexperienced at it,"
Roy corrected. "You haven't
had much chance to explore
coping skills or social skills in
the past. Now that you do,
you really are learning fast."

Tarnish flicked the gray yarn
that he held. "So what kinds
of things should we try together?"

"Food is bonding, so I'd start
with that," said Roy. "Eat
together, or better yet, cook
and share healthy meals.
Nothing says 'I want you
to exist' like sharing food."

"That ... is very true,"
said Tarnish. "It's part
of supervillain culture.
Sharing food is important."

"Other fun and healthy activities
are also good," said Roy. "You
could try sports together, walking
in the park -- anything that seems
to help you relax and unwind.

"We've walked in the woods on
the reservation," said Tarnish.
"Cavalier and Princessa both
enjoy the place as much as I do."

"That's good to hear," said Roy.
"You might also try healthy touch."

"Cavalier and I like to roughhouse,"
said Tarnish. "Not sure if that counts."

"It can if you both enjoy it," said Roy.
"However, consider something
more gentle as another option.
Spreading sunscreen across
someone's back is a cliché for
good reasons -- it gives them
an excuse for nonsexual intimacy."

"Huh," said Tarnish. "I guess
we might try that. What else
would you recommend for us?"

"Just cuddling on the couch is
good while watching a movie,"
said Roy. "If you're feeling
adventurous, hair washing
can be an indulgent luxury."

Instantly Tarnish remembered
that time he and Cavalier had
gotten in a mud fight, winding up
so coated in wet sticky clay that
they had to help each other
scrub off under a waterfall.

"You're blushing," Roy said.
"Don't worry, I won't pry."

"There was, uh, mud fight
a while back," Tarnish said.

"You know, mud wrestling
is quite a popular event
at some county fairs in
summer," Roy replied.

"Really?" Tarnish said,
startled. "Normal people
do that too? I thought it
was just supervillains and
whoever gets caught up in
our special brand of crazy."

"Yep, normal people do it,"
said Roy. "It's fun and helps
break people out of their rut by
getting messy on purpose."

"I've seen messy play for
kids," Tarnish admitted.

"That's important for
their development,"
said Roy. "Besides,
there are special clays
used in skin care, and
microorganisms in soil
help with mental health."

"I could probably talk
Cavalier into a mud pit,"
said Tarnish. "Princessa,
maybe not -- she doesn't
really like getting dirty."

"You might be surprised
at how interested women
can get once their guys are
rolling around in a mud pit,"
Roy said with a smirk.

Okay, so Tarnish maybe
had a bit of nostalgia for
the mud wrestling too.

He liked the idea of
doing things together,
if they could manage that
without mangling each other.

Tarnish did another row of
knit stitches, then looked
critically at his efforts.

They were less wretched
than the earlier attempts.

Something teased at
his memory then.

"Can you knit lace?"
Tarnish wondered.

"Some people can,"
said Roy. "I can't,
because I prefer
stitches that I don't
have to think about."

"Oh," said Tarnish. "I
was wondering because
I'd like to make things for
Cavalier and Princessa.
She likes frills and stuff."

"Well, some lace stitches
aren't very complicated,"
said Roy. "They just take
more care to keep count,
and use very fine yarns.
I'd call basic lace making
an intermediate skill."

Tarnish looked at the row
of plain stitches he'd made.

"I think I could work up
to that," he decided.

"I'm sure you could,"
Roy said, patting him.
"I have faith in you."

* * *

Notes:

This poem is long, so its notes appear elsewhere.

Comments

Hard days

[dialecticdreamer]

It was hard to read about someone suffering so strongly, but it ended up feeling more like commiseration. My issues are more health related than alcohol-related, but the level of frustration and creeping despair is very, very strongly in common to the way that you wrote Tarnish.

Re: Hard days

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> It was hard to read about someone suffering so strongly, <<

Poor Tarnish is a basket case. Life has stomped him hard. He's a stubborn cuss, though -- he keeps getting back up.

>> but it ended up feeling more like commiseration. My issues are more health related than alcohol-related, but the level of frustration and creeping despair is very, very strongly in common to the way that you wrote Tarnish.<<

My sympathies.

Sometimes, I write Tarnish just to show what it looks like when somebody cares enough to help a guy who's down ... and not let him get away with hating on himself.

Re: Hard days

[siliconshaman]

Huh.. that explains why my brain was ear-worming me with Chumbawumba's tubthumping. I think my subconscious picked up on that.

Re: Hard days

[ysabetwordsmith]

That song is brilliant. :D I am flattered.

... I can just imagine someone dragging poor Frettoloso to a bar and introducing him to that song. Ticker probably loves it.

Re: Hard days

[siliconshaman]

It was pretty big in Europe during the late 90's, you couldn't go anywhere without hearing it, so Ticker almost certainly knows it.

[galadhir]

I am a great fan of hurt/comfort, so this really hits the spot for me :)

[readera]

This is lovely to read. I really like this facility.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I love it too. You can always ask for more in any relevant prompt call.