Poem: "The Refusal to Be Victimized"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This poem was written outside the regular prompt calls. It fills the "victim" square in my 11-1-21 card for the NCIS Bingo fest. It has been sponsored by a pool with ng_moonmoth and fuzzyred. This poem belongs to the Trichromatic Attractions thread in the Polychrome Heroics series.

Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes emotional upheavals, difficulty discussing personal topics, bad memories, past sexual abuse, frank discussions of molestation incidents, neglect and revictimization after reporting abuse, aggressive use of superpowers on an abuser, inappropriate and harmful therapy, relationship issues due to past abuse, boundary issues, thinking about alcohol misuse, self-loathing, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.


"The Refusal to Be Victimized"

[Sunday, December 8, 2013]

Tarnish spent Sunday morning
outside, gathering firewood and
breaking the long branches into
pieces small enough to fit
inside of a woodstove.

It gave him a good way
to burn off nervous energy,
and the fresh air helped
to clear his head too.

Yesterday's talk with
the Parquetry family
had been enlightening,
but also overwhelming.

Out here, Tarnish could
get away from people
and even relax a little.

Then Cavalier showed up.

"Morning," said Cavalier,
though it was closer to lunch.
"Do you have some time?"

"I guess so," Tarnish said,
leaning against the woodpile.

"Yesterday you acted like
there were things that you
didn't want to share in front of
other people," said Cavalier.
"So I'm wondering if now
might be a better time."

Tarnish hadn't dared
to bring up the abuse
then, not with so many
new people around, but it
was probably something
Cavalier should know about.

It was hard to talk about that time
in his past, and Tarnish struggled
to deal with the old memories.

Maybe he could say it here,
though, out in the clear air.

"Yeah, that brought up
a bunch of past baggage,"
said Tarnish, eyeing Cavalier.
"You sure you want to open
it up, though? You mentioned
that your family doesn't talk
about emotional stuff much."

Cavalier shrugged. "Never
said that was a good idea."

"Point," Tarnish agreed. "I'll
try to get it out in the open,
some of it you should know
anyway, but it's ... hard."

"Relationships often are,"
said Cavalier. "But they're
worth it. You're worth it."

That warmed something
in Tarnish. "Okay," he said.
"It's ugly history, though,
so tap out if you need to."

"I will if you will," said Cavalier.
"Or at least, I promise to try."

"That's about as much as
any of us can promise,"
said Tarnish. "It'll do."

Cavalier took out
his pocket knife, then
started making fuzz sticks
from pieces of kindling.

"Would this have anything
to do with why you're skittish
about sex?" said Cavalier.
"Because I noticed that you
weren't the most comfortable
talking about it yesterday, and
it's been touch and go before."

"Yeah, that's connected,"
Tarnish said. His past was
like a ball of yarn that had
gotten mauled, everything
all tangled up together.

"Just tell me if you need me
to back off," said Cavalier.
"We may know each other,
but I don't want to push."

"If I told you that I'd been
sexually abused as a boy,
then what would you do?"
said Tarnish. "Judge me?
See me as less of a man,
a supervillain? Think it'll
turn me into an abuser too?
Or would you actually listen?"

"If you need to talk, then
I'll listen," said Cavalier.

His voice was even, but
the knife dug into the wood
a little too hard and cut off
the whole head of fuzz.

"My mother fell for a bad boy,"
said Tarnish. "So my father
had a tendency to skip out
on his responsibilities."

"That never helps,"
Cavalier observed.

"He was always mean,
especially on a bad day,"
said Tarnish. "He'd yell,
sometimes break things
or throw stuff at us."

"That sucks." Cavalier
kept his attention focused
on the stick he was whittling,
which helped a little bit.

"Then when he started ...
touching me, things got
really bad," said Tarnish.
"He would shove himself in
my mouth, or flip me over."

Cavalier's knife scraped
against the wood. "What
did you do?" he asked.

"I tried telling people,
more than once, but
nobody would help me,"
said Tarnish. "Fuckers."

"So ... does that have
something do with why
you punched an orc?"
Cavalier wondered.

"Yeah, he was bugging
Sundew," said Tarnish.
"I can't watch that shit
and just do nothing."

"Well, good for you,"
Cavalier said firmly.

"Anyhow, that went on
until my superpowers
manifested," said Tarnish.

"Corruption," said Cavalier.
"Because of what happened,
or how you felt about it, maybe?"

Tarnish just shrugged. "I don't
know," he said. "That wasn't
the important part anyway.
What I really needed was
the Truth Inducement."

Cavalier winced. "Yeah,
that must've been something."

"In order to escape accountability for
his crimes, the abuser does everything
in his power to cover it up," said Tarnish.
"Secrecy and silence form the first line
of his defense. If secrecy fails, then
the abuser attacks his victim's credibility.
If he cannot silence the victim absolutely,
he tries to make sure that no one listens."

"Is that what happened to you, then?"
Cavalier asked. "You said nobody listened."

"Yeah," said Tarnish. One finger picked
at a loose piece of bark on the woodpile.
"It didn't matter who or what I told."

"But you kept talking," said Cavalier.
"That was a brave thing to do."

"Not brave, just desperate.
The silence was killing me --
and that's all there ever was.
Silence. It was all I knew. Keep
quiet. Pretend that nothing was
wrong," said Tarnish. "And look
how well that was turning out."

"Am I hurting you?" Cavalier said.
"By not talking about feelings?"

"I got better at not talking,"
said Tarnish. "I had to."

Which wasn't exactly
an answer, but he had
all he could deal with now.

"Well ... I think folks were
right about us needing to talk
about needs and stuff if we're
going to make a threesome
of ourselves," said Cavalier.
"So I'm trying to share more."

"Yeah, I'm working on it too,"
said Tarnish. "I just don't have
a very good track record with it."

"I can be patient," Cavalier said,
"even if other people weren't."

"No amount of me trying
to explain myself ever did
any good," said Tarnish.
"After all, I didn't even
understand what had
happened, so how could
I have explained it to them?"

"Hell, you were just a kid,"
said Cavalier. "It was not
your job to fucking explain it,
just tell the grownups to fix it."

Tarnish gave a ragged laugh.
"If only that were true," he said.
"That's how I wound up like this."

"What do you mean?" said Cavalier.

"The difference between a criminal
and an outlaw is that while criminals
are often victims, outlaws never are,"
said Tarnish. "In fact, the first step
toward becoming a true outlaw
is the refusal to be victimized."

"So they didn't take you seriously
until after you already souped up?"
said Cavalier. "What a mess."

"Oh, no," said Tarnish. "They
didn't believe me. Nobody ever
believed me. They believed him."

"What?" Cavalier said, rocking back
on his heels. "They just ignored you?
Even after you gained superpowers?"

"That's why I had to do it," said Tarnish.
"I knew that they'd never believe me.
The only hope I had was somehow
forcing him to condemn himself."
So that's what I did. I shoved
my power in him as hard as I
could, and I made him tell."

The feeling of doing that ,
in his memory, came entirely
too close to the more recent one
of rolling Cavalier at the hotel.

Tarnish shuddered, trying
to shake off the memories.

"That's awful," said Cavalier.

"It was," said Tarnish, "but
I managed to do it anyway."
One side of his mouth twisted.
"And they believed him. They
believed a child molester, who'd
been lying to them all along,
instead of believing me."

"Wow," said Cavalier.
"What happened then?"

"My father went to prison,"
said Tarnish. "He died there
eventually -- there was a big fight,
and nobody likes a short-eyes."

"I should probably say I'm
sorry your father died, but it'd
be a lie," Cavalier muttered.

"Don't bother," said Tarnish.
"I'm not sorry either. He got
himself into that situation, and
the world is better off without him."

"What about your family, though?"
said Cavalier. "It must've been hard."

"Mom pushed me harder to make
a success of myself," Tarnish said,
waving a hand at his body. "You
can see how well that went, too."

"I'm sorry that happened to you,"
said Cavalier. "It's not your fault.
You didn't deserve any of that."

"Deserve doesn't matter,"
said Tarnish. "Lots of things
happen to people who don't
deserve them. It all comes
down to luck and power."

"That's a depressing way
to put it," said Cavalier.

"I saw that bad men existed
who would take advantage of
any weakness they found when
selecting a victim," said Tarnish.
"I did not want to be abused
anymore, so I made sure
never to show weakness."

"Mine wasn't anything
that dramatic, but yeah, I
didn't want to be easy meat,
either," Cavalier confessed.

"So you understand at least
a little bit of it," said Tarnish.
"I'm glad to have that much."

"You ever try talking with
other victims?" said Cavalier.

Tarnish rolled his eyes. "Not
willingly," he said. "I got put in
some stupid support groups as
a kid, but having to hear about
other people's problems just
made me feel even worse."

"Yeah, I get that," said Cavalier.

"Besides, they all wanted me
to follow the rules, and where
the fuck did that ever get me?"
Tarnish said. "Thrown over a bed."

"No wonder you don't think much
of white-hat ways," Cavalier said.

"I learned how to protect myself
from the predators, to rely on
my instinct and my strength,"
said Tarnish. "I couldn't prevent
people from trying to hurt me,
but I could still fight back --
and sometimes that worked."

Cavalier sighed. "Can't say
as I blame you," he said.

"That makes one of you,"
Tarnish said, grimacing.
"Until you tell Princessa."

"I won't tell her what we
talked about today, unless
you ask me to," said Cavalier.
"You have a right to privacy.
I'm guessing you only told me
because of our interactions."

"It seemed like something
you should know," said Tarnish.
"If we're serious about this."

"I'm serious," said Cavalier.
"I'm also a little concerned."

"I get by all right," said Tarnish.

"The one time I touched your butt,
you freaked and elbowed me in
the face," said Cavalier. "I had
a black eye for two weeks."

"Sorry about that," said Tarnish.
"You just caught me by surprise."

"Yeah, I was dumb," said Cavalier.
"I have to wonder if that relates to
what happened when you were little."

"It does," Tarnish said. His stomach
flipped over. "My father was ... he
like to grab me like that, sometimes."

"You seem to enjoy roughhousing,
though," said Cavalier. "It can be
hard to tell where the lines are,
and I don't want to cross them."

"I like it, but it's hard to tell
from my end too," said Tarnish.
"My boundaries are fucked up."

He could refuse to be victimized
again, but for anything else, he
messed up more often than not.

Tarnish did like roughhousing,
he just wasn't very good at
talking out what he wanted.

Now he wasn't sure how
to handle any of this stuff.

"I guess that's inevitable, given
your history," said Cavalier. He
put down the finished fuzz stick
and picked up a new stick. "Can
you give me some idea of what's
usually safe or not safe at all?"

"Hands are fine," said Tarnish.
"That's why ... you know, just
helping each other out ... it
doesn't bother me. He never
did that to me, so it's okay."

"But your mouth isn't, right?"
said Cavalier. "You've never
taken me up on a blow job."

Tarnish swallowed hard.
"Bad memories," he said.

He really needed a drink.

"Okay," said Cavalier. "We
don't have to do anything
that you don't want to do."

"I wish I could," Tarnish said.
"Sometimes. That I could ...
do more things. But I can't."

His heart was hammering at
his ribs bad enough already.

It wasn't fair. Tarnish wanted
to try more with Cavalier, but
he could hardly even bring
it up without panicking.

The same thing had
happened when Cavalier
ran off with Princessa, and
Tarnish had wanted to ask
what the hell was going on,
but couldn't bear to face him.

Until the hotel. Where he'd
treated Cavalier like an enemy.

Fuck. Fuck. He had turned
into an abuser himself, after all.

Tarnish bolted into the woods.

* * *

Notes:

This poem is long, so its notes appear separately.

Comments

[readera]

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Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm happy you enjoyed this.