Poem: "The Closet Is Vast"
Jan. 14th, 2022 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the October 5, 2021 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from siliconshaman and acelightning73. It also fills the "Dress up / Costumes" square in my 10-1-21 card for the Fall Festival Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred, ng_moonmoth, janetmiles, and edorfaus. It belongs to the series Polychrome Heroics.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes a lack of self-awareness, overcontrolling and manipulative parents, bad fit at a fraternity, spiked punch, sudden illness, superpower manifestation, confusion, university forcing students to change their major or minor, personal discomfort, fear of being cut off from family support and funding, sexual repression, unsympathetic teachers, unwilling sexual discoveries, lack of friends, abandonment, activism, self-discovery, hope, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"The Closet Is Vast"
[Fall 2012]
Sam Johnson grew up
in Lafayette, Louisiana.
He was kind of a geek,
more interested in literature
and Louisiana history than
sports or school dances.
He didn't mind being
a bookworm. The books
never made fun of him.
Sam rarely showed
much interest in girls,
but that was okay -- he
had other things to do,
always busy with school.
His overcontrolling parents
ensured that he didn't dare
think much about anything else.
In September 2012, Sam enrolled in
the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.
He wanted to major in English - Literature,
but his parents were paying for the tuition.
They insisted on Business - Management
instead, as a more practical degree.
"Reading books won't pay any bills,"
his father said, shaking his head.
"No, but teaching literature would,"
Sam grumbled. "I wanted to be
a teacher, not a businessman."
"Teachers die poor," his father said,
which had been true in the past,
though it was getting better.
They did let Sam choose
Literature as a minor, though.
He also wound up joining
the Sigma Chi fraternity,
like his father before him.
The company wasn't fun,
but it gave him a place to live
that was a lot nicer than the dorms.
He had a big bedroom to himself,
instead of sharing a tiny one. Plus
the house had a kitchen, a living room,
and a huge rec room in the basement.
The business classes were every bit
as boring as Sam had feared, but
he did manage to take a couple of
writing classes for the requirements.
He also found a batch of classes
about conserving the environment and
its resources, which got him thinking
about sustainable business. His father
might be convinced to go along with
that, as long as it turned a profit.
College might not suck too much.
[Fall 2014]
Business classes continued
to be just as boring as ever,
but the ethics class was
rather more interesting.
Sam was almost done with
his Literature minor, too.
Louisiana Literature was
fascinating this semester,
although he wasn't sure what
he'd pick to finish in spring.
Then disaster struck.
The Sigma Chi fraternity
got caught spiking the punch
with an alleged love potion
during a wild party at the house.
This caused many of the students
to get sick, and a few of them
never regained their health.
Sam was rather more concerned
with the fact that, after he stopped
throwing up his toenails, odd things
began happening to him now and then.
Sometimes nobody seemed to see him,
or else they'd jump when he spoke to
them as if he'd come out of nowhere.
Then he started falling through things,
instead of bumping into them as usual.
Even more startling was the discovery
that Sam could bend around things as if
he had no bones, or stretch incredibly far.
So he did what any frisky college boy
would do, and used his mouth on his cock.
It confirmed that, yeah, dogs had it good,
because that was a lot more fun than
his few fumbling attempts with a girl.
The university could not prove
exactly who spiked the punch.
However, they were outraged
by the incident, so they decided
to punish the fraternity as a whole.
The three suspected culprits
were given a choice of leaving
the college or switching their major
to Gender and Sexuality Studies.
Only one of them actually stayed.
The other brothers in the fraternity
had a choice of leaving the college
or switching their minor instead.
"That's not fair," Sam protested.
"I only attended the party because
the house rules require meeting
a minimum of social events hosted
by the fraternity. I had nothing
to do with planning the thing!"
"It doesn't matter," his advisor
said with a shrug. "You belong to
Sigma Chi, so you change your minor
to Gender and Sexuality Studies or
you have to leave the university."
"Yeah well, you get to tell my parents
that they have to pay for more tuition,
because there's no way I can finish
my major and a whole new minor in
just three semesters," Sam snapped.
"That's another eighteen fucking credits!"
His parents agreed with extreme resentment,
not wanting to waste the money that they
had already invested in his college degree.
Sam could cram the first couple classes
for the new minor into his senior year,
because he was damned if he'd give up
Literature when it was almost done, but
he would need the summer semester
to finish the rest of the gender classes.
[Spring 2015]
The spring semester was ...
rather challenging for Sam.
His Human Resources class
brought up all kinds of issues
that he had never thought much
about before hitting that homework.
He had also decided to get a jumpstart
on the gender stuff by picking a class in
Queer Literature, Media, and Culture
to complete his English minor.
That was making Sam start
to think uncomfortable things
like how most people who weren't
into girls were actually not straight
like he'd always been told he was.
So if he wasn't straight after all,
then what the hell was he?
Sam watched the protests and
rallies for queer rights that he
could never hope to attend.
If he dared step out of line,
then his parents would cut off
his tuition funding and thus
all hope of graduating.
Instead, he stayed home
at the Sigma Chi house that
he hated more every day,
and did his homework, and
felt ever more uncomfortable.
"What do you have to complain
about?" his father said. "You
met their fool demands, so
you get to stay in college."
"If only you knew," Sam said
as he looked the other way.
[Fall 2015]
Sam had finally gotten through
most of the stupid requirements for
his Business degree, leaving him
room to choose electives for it.
He found a senior seminar
on Local Businesses, so that
wasn't a total waste of his time.
The Ideas and Issues class
for his new minor just about
made him want to climb out
of his own skin, though.
"Your paper lacks depth,"
the teacher said quellingly.
"I expect to see more detail
in the future if you want
to pass this class."
"I'll try," Sam muttered.
"This isn't really my area."
"It is now," the teacher said,
"so learn to deal with it."
Sam was trying, really
he was, but it was hard.
Nothing seemed to fit
the way that it used to,
and he didn't like that.
There was nothing
he could actually do
to change it, though.
Sam was gay.
He couldn't hide it
anymore, at least
not from himself.
He had to hide it from
his parents, if he didn't
want to get kicked out.
So no coming out for Sam,
no party with rainbow cake
and glitter-glazed flowers,
not for a year or more.
If then. He didn't really
relish the idea of having
his whole family refuse
to speak to him ever again.
[Spring 2016]
Sam managed to land
an internship about
sustainable business,
so that had potential
for future employment.
He also had a minor class on
Sociology of Sex and Sexualities,
which made him squirm inside.
He wasn't comfortable with
that stuff yet, but he needed
the class for the requirements.
Sam should have been
getting ready to graduate,
but now he couldn't.
He didn't really have
any friends on campus,
but almost everyone he
knew was preparing for
graduation and going
out into the wider world.
Being left behind sucked.
So Sam took advantage
of his new superpowers of
Phasing and Elasticity.
He bought a bodysuit of
sparkly metallic krevel with
rainbow stripes and started
going out as Everygayman.
It made him feel powerful
and even a little fabulous
in a way that nothing else
had ever done before.
He went to all the protests
and rallies that he couldn't
afford to attend as himself.
He began advocating for
queer rights in a state
that pretty much wished
queer people didn't exist.
Whenever things turned
dangerous, Everygayman
used his abilities to help
the other queerfolk escape
from bigots and police alike.
Once he even got interviewed
by another college's newspaper.
"What do you think about the closet?"
the student journalist asked him.
"Most people think the closet is
a small room," said Everygayman.
"When you're inside it, though,
the closet is vast. You can
do a lot in there, more than
anyone ever imagined."
He wasn't ready to come out,
not yet, and he knew that.
He wasn't finished
growing into himself.
However, he still had
four more classes
to take for his minor.
Maybe they would help.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its notes appear separately.
siliconshaman and acelightning73. It also fills the "Dress up / Costumes" square in my 10-1-21 card for the Fall Festival Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred, ng_moonmoth, janetmiles, and edorfaus. It belongs to the series Polychrome Heroics.Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes a lack of self-awareness, overcontrolling and manipulative parents, bad fit at a fraternity, spiked punch, sudden illness, superpower manifestation, confusion, university forcing students to change their major or minor, personal discomfort, fear of being cut off from family support and funding, sexual repression, unsympathetic teachers, unwilling sexual discoveries, lack of friends, abandonment, activism, self-discovery, hope, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"The Closet Is Vast"
[Fall 2012]
Sam Johnson grew up
in Lafayette, Louisiana.
He was kind of a geek,
more interested in literature
and Louisiana history than
sports or school dances.
He didn't mind being
a bookworm. The books
never made fun of him.
Sam rarely showed
much interest in girls,
but that was okay -- he
had other things to do,
always busy with school.
His overcontrolling parents
ensured that he didn't dare
think much about anything else.
In September 2012, Sam enrolled in
the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.
He wanted to major in English - Literature,
but his parents were paying for the tuition.
They insisted on Business - Management
instead, as a more practical degree.
"Reading books won't pay any bills,"
his father said, shaking his head.
"No, but teaching literature would,"
Sam grumbled. "I wanted to be
a teacher, not a businessman."
"Teachers die poor," his father said,
which had been true in the past,
though it was getting better.
They did let Sam choose
Literature as a minor, though.
He also wound up joining
the Sigma Chi fraternity,
like his father before him.
The company wasn't fun,
but it gave him a place to live
that was a lot nicer than the dorms.
He had a big bedroom to himself,
instead of sharing a tiny one. Plus
the house had a kitchen, a living room,
and a huge rec room in the basement.
The business classes were every bit
as boring as Sam had feared, but
he did manage to take a couple of
writing classes for the requirements.
He also found a batch of classes
about conserving the environment and
its resources, which got him thinking
about sustainable business. His father
might be convinced to go along with
that, as long as it turned a profit.
College might not suck too much.
[Fall 2014]
Business classes continued
to be just as boring as ever,
but the ethics class was
rather more interesting.
Sam was almost done with
his Literature minor, too.
Louisiana Literature was
fascinating this semester,
although he wasn't sure what
he'd pick to finish in spring.
Then disaster struck.
The Sigma Chi fraternity
got caught spiking the punch
with an alleged love potion
during a wild party at the house.
This caused many of the students
to get sick, and a few of them
never regained their health.
Sam was rather more concerned
with the fact that, after he stopped
throwing up his toenails, odd things
began happening to him now and then.
Sometimes nobody seemed to see him,
or else they'd jump when he spoke to
them as if he'd come out of nowhere.
Then he started falling through things,
instead of bumping into them as usual.
Even more startling was the discovery
that Sam could bend around things as if
he had no bones, or stretch incredibly far.
So he did what any frisky college boy
would do, and used his mouth on his cock.
It confirmed that, yeah, dogs had it good,
because that was a lot more fun than
his few fumbling attempts with a girl.
The university could not prove
exactly who spiked the punch.
However, they were outraged
by the incident, so they decided
to punish the fraternity as a whole.
The three suspected culprits
were given a choice of leaving
the college or switching their major
to Gender and Sexuality Studies.
Only one of them actually stayed.
The other brothers in the fraternity
had a choice of leaving the college
or switching their minor instead.
"That's not fair," Sam protested.
"I only attended the party because
the house rules require meeting
a minimum of social events hosted
by the fraternity. I had nothing
to do with planning the thing!"
"It doesn't matter," his advisor
said with a shrug. "You belong to
Sigma Chi, so you change your minor
to Gender and Sexuality Studies or
you have to leave the university."
"Yeah well, you get to tell my parents
that they have to pay for more tuition,
because there's no way I can finish
my major and a whole new minor in
just three semesters," Sam snapped.
"That's another eighteen fucking credits!"
His parents agreed with extreme resentment,
not wanting to waste the money that they
had already invested in his college degree.
Sam could cram the first couple classes
for the new minor into his senior year,
because he was damned if he'd give up
Literature when it was almost done, but
he would need the summer semester
to finish the rest of the gender classes.
[Spring 2015]
The spring semester was ...
rather challenging for Sam.
His Human Resources class
brought up all kinds of issues
that he had never thought much
about before hitting that homework.
He had also decided to get a jumpstart
on the gender stuff by picking a class in
Queer Literature, Media, and Culture
to complete his English minor.
That was making Sam start
to think uncomfortable things
like how most people who weren't
into girls were actually not straight
like he'd always been told he was.
So if he wasn't straight after all,
then what the hell was he?
Sam watched the protests and
rallies for queer rights that he
could never hope to attend.
If he dared step out of line,
then his parents would cut off
his tuition funding and thus
all hope of graduating.
Instead, he stayed home
at the Sigma Chi house that
he hated more every day,
and did his homework, and
felt ever more uncomfortable.
"What do you have to complain
about?" his father said. "You
met their fool demands, so
you get to stay in college."
"If only you knew," Sam said
as he looked the other way.
[Fall 2015]
Sam had finally gotten through
most of the stupid requirements for
his Business degree, leaving him
room to choose electives for it.
He found a senior seminar
on Local Businesses, so that
wasn't a total waste of his time.
The Ideas and Issues class
for his new minor just about
made him want to climb out
of his own skin, though.
"Your paper lacks depth,"
the teacher said quellingly.
"I expect to see more detail
in the future if you want
to pass this class."
"I'll try," Sam muttered.
"This isn't really my area."
"It is now," the teacher said,
"so learn to deal with it."
Sam was trying, really
he was, but it was hard.
Nothing seemed to fit
the way that it used to,
and he didn't like that.
There was nothing
he could actually do
to change it, though.
Sam was gay.
He couldn't hide it
anymore, at least
not from himself.
He had to hide it from
his parents, if he didn't
want to get kicked out.
So no coming out for Sam,
no party with rainbow cake
and glitter-glazed flowers,
not for a year or more.
If then. He didn't really
relish the idea of having
his whole family refuse
to speak to him ever again.
[Spring 2016]
Sam managed to land
an internship about
sustainable business,
so that had potential
for future employment.
He also had a minor class on
Sociology of Sex and Sexualities,
which made him squirm inside.
He wasn't comfortable with
that stuff yet, but he needed
the class for the requirements.
Sam should have been
getting ready to graduate,
but now he couldn't.
He didn't really have
any friends on campus,
but almost everyone he
knew was preparing for
graduation and going
out into the wider world.
Being left behind sucked.
So Sam took advantage
of his new superpowers of
Phasing and Elasticity.
He bought a bodysuit of
sparkly metallic krevel with
rainbow stripes and started
going out as Everygayman.
It made him feel powerful
and even a little fabulous
in a way that nothing else
had ever done before.
He went to all the protests
and rallies that he couldn't
afford to attend as himself.
He began advocating for
queer rights in a state
that pretty much wished
queer people didn't exist.
Whenever things turned
dangerous, Everygayman
used his abilities to help
the other queerfolk escape
from bigots and police alike.
Once he even got interviewed
by another college's newspaper.
"What do you think about the closet?"
the student journalist asked him.
"Most people think the closet is
a small room," said Everygayman.
"When you're inside it, though,
the closet is vast. You can
do a lot in there, more than
anyone ever imagined."
He wasn't ready to come out,
not yet, and he knew that.
He wasn't finished
growing into himself.
However, he still had
four more classes
to take for his minor.
Maybe they would help.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its notes appear separately.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2022-01-16 01:05 am (UTC)