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ysabetwordsmithThese are the content notes for "A Desire to Be Deeply Known."
A note on timing: This takes place about 3 months after the Big One. Things are just starting to settle down enough, in parts of the West Coast that took little or no damage, that people can begin to think of other things again, like their personal lives. The Big One made Pips realize that he couldn't stand to lose Joshua and company, so he took steps to safeguard them. Now Pips has to figure out how to handle permanent relationships, and he's a bit a loss for that, so he turns to Bennett for help. Due to the whimsical nature of prompts, we've skipped over some events in the middle, but hopefully this still makes sense.
Jules and Pips first met in person during "The Higher a Monkey Climbs."
"Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.
-- Aberjhani
"There are no accidental meetings between souls.
-- Anonymous
"Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out."
-- Wally Lamb
"Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself."
-- Osho
"Intimacy is often confused with sex, but in actuality it involves feeling deeply emotionally connected with another person and a desire to be deeply known. Intimacy is not something achieved quickly, but rather something that continues to mature and develop over time, like a garden or fine wine. Although intimacy is something many of us long for, not all of us find or experience it in our relationships. This is because intimacy involves being vulnerable -- taking emotional risks and working through the fear of allowing another person to see you as you truly are. It involves trust, caring, acceptance, safety, and connection. To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences, to grow from conflict, and to choose our partners -- the individuals we share our hearts with -- wisely."
-- 18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love
"Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling."
-- Joyce Brothers
"Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3 A.M. about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back on your mind, no matter how distracted you are."
-- Anonymous
"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."
-- Maya Angelou
"Intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’, that’s intimacy."
-- Taylor Jenkins Reid
"I literally love affection. It’s not about sex. I crave somebody to cuddle with me and to lay their head on my lap. I crave kisses, holding hands and running my thumb across theirs. Just looking at someone and thinking ‘how did I get this lucky'."
-- Anonymous
"We think we want sex, but it’s not always about sex. It’s intimacy we want. To be touched. Looked at. Admired. Smiled at. Laugh with someone. Feel safe. Feel like someone’s really got you. That’s what we crave."
-- Anonymous
"To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy."
-- Anonymous
"If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal."
-- Anonymous
"Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you."
-- Oprah Winfrey
"The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking."
-- Patricia Love
Mercedes Weather
(August typically has 0 rainfall too.)
The least amount of rainfall occurs in July. The average in this month is 0 mm | 0.0 inch. With an average of 93 mm | 3.7 inch, the most precipitation falls in January.
[---8<---]
(August is barely cooler.)
The temperatures are highest on average in July, at around 28.6 °C | 83.5 °F. January has the lowest average temperature of the year. It is 8.8 °C | 47.9 °F.
MERCED WEATHER IN AUGUST
Temperature August 27.5°C | 81.5°F
Temperature August max. 36.1°C | 97°F
Temperature August min. 19.6°C | 67.3°F
Precipitation / Rainfall August 0mm | 0 inches
Anxiety about settling down is normal and common, for various reasons. Even if nothing is wrong with someone's attachment pattern or relationship, it's still a big personal change, and that unto itself can feel daunting and disorienting -- which is largely the problem that Pips is having. He's attached to the Tulls just fine. It's himself he doesn't feel quite comfortable with as a result. He'll get through it. Feeling like you don't know yourself anymore is also a normal and common experience while growing up, so know how to handle that.
These are average touch boundaries.
A touch meme body map shows where you personally would allow different categories of people to touch you. Note that infants start out with no touch boundaries because they need total care. Boundaries emerge during childhood, with the most protected appearing first and progressing outward to the more casual. During courtship, the boundaries drop in reverse order, first the most casual and last the most intimate; platonic relationships tend to follow the same progression but not always as far. Also, boundaries can be destroyed through abuse, military training, lengthy medical intervention, etc. Therefore, a person's boundaries in general and regarding certain individuals or categories in particular may change over time.
Make as many body outlines as you wish to show categories, because some people have more categories with different rules while other people lump them together more. Some people also have circumstantial categories (e.g. on the street, at home, in a massage workshop) that change their boundaries. You can riff this idea to map other types of boundaries than your body, such as who can enter which parts of your territory or talk about which topics.
The 12 Stages of Intimacy is a detailed if conservative look at how touch progresses in a relationship. You can see how it progresses from the more casual to the more intimate. A courtship process also involves multiple dimensions -- although not all relationships entail romance and/or sex. Those that do not will need to identify other points of contact with similar depth and intensity as their foundations.
Take a look at two things: layers of intimacy and levels of commitment.
Relationships typically progress through stages of conversation, moving from rote through casual to intimate. Some people like small talk for safe topics in early stages, but others hate it and want something deeper. You don't have to torment yourself for other people's amusement if you don't want to; you can choose other ways of interacting. Boundaries can be viewed as nested circles, gaining intimacy toward the center. This is about how much people know about you, and how much you trust them. Because if they blab sensitive information, it doesn't just hurt, it can cause serious problems. Do you have people you can shop for without having to ask, or people you can trust to make decisions without your input? That's intimacy.
In this scene, Stan and Lawrence are doing intellectual foreplay. For typically sexual folks, this may be uninteresting to pretty exciting. For orientations that run based more on the mind than the body -- like demisexual and asexual -- it can be smokin' hot stuff. Really. There are people who feel about this the way most young men feel about XXX videos, and Stan is one of them. Lawrence is coming along for the ride. (He has a sapiosexual streak.) You can practice intellectual foreplay with your partner using these questions.
Sitting together can be an intimate experience. Lawrence is borrowing some poses from couples yoga. Watch a video about yoga for partners.
Eye gazing is another exercise for couples meditation. It has many benefits, such as increased bonding, but people who are unprepared or uncomfortable with intimacy may find it overwhelming.
Compassionate Boundaries offers a Compassionate Preference Exploration Flow Chart including a key with an example flow chart. This body mapcomes with example body charts. The ComPassionate Wishlistis a Yes-No-Maybe framework that also has an example list. For any relationship that doesn't come with cultural standards, or when people don't like those standards enough to use them straight off the shelf, these tools provide an excellent way to explore sexual and nonsexual boundaries, ideas, and activities. They can be used alone or with one's partner(s).
Here is a BDSM Checklist and one you can download.
Show Us Your Story is another body outline worksheet, this time showing different types of past experience. See a blank worksheet and a filled example.
Consider different types of boundaries in relationships. Domestic violence violates assorted boundaries.
Personal boundaries can be healthy (semi-permeable) or unhealthy (limited/nonexistent, loose/porous, or rigid like a wall). You can map boundaries for as healthy, nonexistent, loose, or rigid in different parts of your life (e.g. physical, emotional, financial, temporal). This helps your family, close friends, and partner(s) understand where to take extra care and where you might need help.
This document talks about the transition from public to private space in an urban setting, which supports both socialization and security. Much the same applies inside the home. This diagram shows the range of public to private space going into a home. The street is public; anyone can go there for any reason. The front yard (and front porch if a house has one) are semi-public; people can enter without an invitation if they have a reason, like delivering a package, but can't just wander in without a good reason. The side and back yards, along with the kitchen, dining room, and living room inside the house are semi-private; people require an invitation to enter, but a variety of friends and family are routinely welcomed there. The bedrooms are private; only the owner (and their partner if they share a room), and perhaps a best friend or close sibling with invitation, is allowed there.
This is a common pattern of territory, but not the only possible one. Some people might be less territorial about their bedroom (semi-private or even semi-public) and more territorial about their kitchen (private). Mapping who may enter which parts of your territory, whether they require an invitation to do so, and whether that is a standing invitation or case-by-case, is an excellent way to show levels of intimacy in space rather than on your body.
Pips tends to have minimal attachment to territory in the outside world because he moves around so much. He has a bedroom in Joshua's house but doesn't hesitate to let other family members into it most of the time, probably friends too. It is at most semi-private. However, inviting someone into Pictish territory would be extremely private for him, something he would only do with intimate friends or family. This may change over time as Pips spends more time in the same place, so it's something he really needs to watch for.
Note that in Terramagne, teleporters customarily appear in public or semi-public territory, and do not enter semi-private or private territory without an invitation. Such an invitation, especially a standing invitation, is a deliberate and fairly serious expression of intimacy. The rare high-traffic households like the Finns may even have two teleport pads, one outside for general traffic and one inside for intimates. The rules regarding when it is acceptable to teleport into semi-private or private space without an invitation map those for breaking in during an emergency. If it would be acceptable to break a door or window (e.g. if someone is screaming or the building is on fire) then it would be acceptable to teleport (or Phase, etc.) inside. Teleporters tend to stick quite closely to these social rules, because they rely on public respectability and trust so that people don't murder them all out of fear.
Although designed for children with disabilities, this tool is helpful for anyone who can't always parse the rings of intimacy easily. It is especially helpful for people with nonstandard boundaries or relationships because they may draw the lines in different places, but still need to distinguish between closer and farther relationships. A strong or complete inability to make these distinctions is a serious social handicap, because it risks violating other people's boundaries and being vulnerable to abuse.
The ecliptic plane is defined by the Earth's orbit in the solar system, similar to the orbital plane of the other planets around the Sun. The nested circles of the standard intimacy diagram form a similar plane. A more advanced version than the mainstream one can be created by tilting a ring in relation to the others, to show a type of relationship that doesn't fit neatly into the nested pattern, such as race or religion. This resembles how Pluto's orbit is knocked askew from the other planets. That effect of a long, narrow, tilted loop neatly diagrams how Pips feels about the Picts: they're supposed to be more important than the giant, but he feels closer to some giants than to some Picts, and it's not the same kind of relationship as those mapped by individual connection. Sadly the local-American version of this tool is nowhere near as sophisticated or useful as the Terramagne version, but you can get an idea of its versatility from this example.
Commitment is actually about how tractive someone is, or wants to be -- or not. Some people don't really do long-term, committed relationships with obligations. Others feel isolated and miserable without a close network of people around them. Commitment is about what you can ask of each other. Do you have people you could wake up in the middle of the night to help with an emergency? Do you have people for whom you'd drop everything? That's commitment.
From there, it's really just thinking about what you put in which circles, because not everyone is the same. Consider what you regard as casual or intimate. Once you create that progression, you'll know where your relationships are.
Ideally, you should talk about this process with other people in your life, because there are standard (if not always accurate) maps for male/female sex/romance but nothing much beyond that. It's like how queerfolk have to decide who pays for a dinner date. My partner and I talked through a lot of things because, while we look M/F at a casual glance, our dynamic is a lot more complicated than that, so we needed to build from scratch not take a relationship off the shelf.
Commitment develops in phases as you climb the levels. This chart shows 9 steps of a typical heterosexual relationship in local-America. Here are three different "plots" that a standard heterosexual relationship could take. You should ask questions as you go along, because developing different levels of commitment causes problems. When you go from casual to couple, there are ways to strengthen and deepen your relationship. A similar pattern occurs in friendships. This graphic shows levels of relationships online. Here are some websites about commitment levels.
Because most societies offer little or no guidance to QUILTBAG folks, people in those relationships have to figure out for themselves things like who pays for a date and who does which chores. This often gives them a better-fitting arrangement than a heterosexual couple following a script.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a reasonable place to start, but bear in mind not everyone puts them in the same order. Here is a list of universal human needs; people will value these at different levels. It helps to know your needs and other people's needs in a relationship, in order to get your needs met and get what you want.
These worksheets assist people in defining what they want to do and say in a relationship, including but not limited to sex and kink. This should give you an idea how to create such materials for areas of intimacy that are not covered. Here's one on what makes a relationship work. This site offers worksheets on what you want to do (page 1 and page 2), what turns you on, sexy talk, fantasies, boundaries, and intersections. They also come in PDF format.
I have a detailed discussion about nonsexual kink here.
Vanilla - a person who does not feel attracted to kinky people or activities at all.
It is worth noting that this use of "vanilla" has spawned other vocabulary of "ice cream sexuality." Kink is typically represented by less common and popular flavors such as "pistachio" or "rocky road." The "gray" range for people who like only the mildest kink is sometimes called "French vanilla."
Power exchange is the heart of kink. This requires extra care, and you need to watch out for communication barriers.
Door hangers help communication, especially the message board style. You can make your own.
Pervertables are everyday items used for kinky purposes. Most kinkyfolk have a collection of stuff like rope and wooden spoons that they bought in a regular store but enjoy playing with in the bedroom.
Spandex bondage is ideal for when someone wants the contact comfort of bondage, but doesn't want to be tied to anything or wear awkward equipment. Medical spandex has the advantage that it's designed to wear for quite a while without constricting circulation, bothering skin, or causing other problems. It just feels huggy. Bennett is using dexflan because some of his partners have superpowers, and dexflan responds to those without the vulnerability most ordinary materials suffer -- so it's much safer. As Pips discovers, it's also more fun, because some soups can feel it with their superpowers.
Bennett's dexflan ankle binders are basically half-socks with soft, stretchy straps that wrap around and then cling in place to adjust the pressure. There are also D-ring inserts, not needed in this session.
These fingerless gloves go about halfway up the forearm, with an adjustable wrist strap. Again, it's easy to add a D-ring using the strap.
A note on timing: This takes place about 3 months after the Big One. Things are just starting to settle down enough, in parts of the West Coast that took little or no damage, that people can begin to think of other things again, like their personal lives. The Big One made Pips realize that he couldn't stand to lose Joshua and company, so he took steps to safeguard them. Now Pips has to figure out how to handle permanent relationships, and he's a bit a loss for that, so he turns to Bennett for help. Due to the whimsical nature of prompts, we've skipped over some events in the middle, but hopefully this still makes sense.
Jules and Pips first met in person during "The Higher a Monkey Climbs."
"Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.
-- Aberjhani
"There are no accidental meetings between souls.
-- Anonymous
"Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out."
-- Wally Lamb
"Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself."
-- Osho
"Intimacy is often confused with sex, but in actuality it involves feeling deeply emotionally connected with another person and a desire to be deeply known. Intimacy is not something achieved quickly, but rather something that continues to mature and develop over time, like a garden or fine wine. Although intimacy is something many of us long for, not all of us find or experience it in our relationships. This is because intimacy involves being vulnerable -- taking emotional risks and working through the fear of allowing another person to see you as you truly are. It involves trust, caring, acceptance, safety, and connection. To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences, to grow from conflict, and to choose our partners -- the individuals we share our hearts with -- wisely."
-- 18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love
"Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling."
-- Joyce Brothers
"Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3 A.M. about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back on your mind, no matter how distracted you are."
-- Anonymous
"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."
-- Maya Angelou
"Intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’, that’s intimacy."
-- Taylor Jenkins Reid
"I literally love affection. It’s not about sex. I crave somebody to cuddle with me and to lay their head on my lap. I crave kisses, holding hands and running my thumb across theirs. Just looking at someone and thinking ‘how did I get this lucky'."
-- Anonymous
"We think we want sex, but it’s not always about sex. It’s intimacy we want. To be touched. Looked at. Admired. Smiled at. Laugh with someone. Feel safe. Feel like someone’s really got you. That’s what we crave."
-- Anonymous
"To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy."
-- Anonymous
"If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal."
-- Anonymous
"Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you."
-- Oprah Winfrey
"The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking."
-- Patricia Love
Mercedes Weather
(August typically has 0 rainfall too.)
The least amount of rainfall occurs in July. The average in this month is 0 mm | 0.0 inch. With an average of 93 mm | 3.7 inch, the most precipitation falls in January.
[---8<---]
(August is barely cooler.)
The temperatures are highest on average in July, at around 28.6 °C | 83.5 °F. January has the lowest average temperature of the year. It is 8.8 °C | 47.9 °F.
MERCED WEATHER IN AUGUST
Temperature August 27.5°C | 81.5°F
Temperature August max. 36.1°C | 97°F
Temperature August min. 19.6°C | 67.3°F
Precipitation / Rainfall August 0mm | 0 inches
Anxiety about settling down is normal and common, for various reasons. Even if nothing is wrong with someone's attachment pattern or relationship, it's still a big personal change, and that unto itself can feel daunting and disorienting -- which is largely the problem that Pips is having. He's attached to the Tulls just fine. It's himself he doesn't feel quite comfortable with as a result. He'll get through it. Feeling like you don't know yourself anymore is also a normal and common experience while growing up, so know how to handle that.
These are average touch boundaries.
A touch meme body map shows where you personally would allow different categories of people to touch you. Note that infants start out with no touch boundaries because they need total care. Boundaries emerge during childhood, with the most protected appearing first and progressing outward to the more casual. During courtship, the boundaries drop in reverse order, first the most casual and last the most intimate; platonic relationships tend to follow the same progression but not always as far. Also, boundaries can be destroyed through abuse, military training, lengthy medical intervention, etc. Therefore, a person's boundaries in general and regarding certain individuals or categories in particular may change over time.
Make as many body outlines as you wish to show categories, because some people have more categories with different rules while other people lump them together more. Some people also have circumstantial categories (e.g. on the street, at home, in a massage workshop) that change their boundaries. You can riff this idea to map other types of boundaries than your body, such as who can enter which parts of your territory or talk about which topics.
The 12 Stages of Intimacy is a detailed if conservative look at how touch progresses in a relationship. You can see how it progresses from the more casual to the more intimate. A courtship process also involves multiple dimensions -- although not all relationships entail romance and/or sex. Those that do not will need to identify other points of contact with similar depth and intensity as their foundations.
Take a look at two things: layers of intimacy and levels of commitment.
Relationships typically progress through stages of conversation, moving from rote through casual to intimate. Some people like small talk for safe topics in early stages, but others hate it and want something deeper. You don't have to torment yourself for other people's amusement if you don't want to; you can choose other ways of interacting. Boundaries can be viewed as nested circles, gaining intimacy toward the center. This is about how much people know about you, and how much you trust them. Because if they blab sensitive information, it doesn't just hurt, it can cause serious problems. Do you have people you can shop for without having to ask, or people you can trust to make decisions without your input? That's intimacy.
In this scene, Stan and Lawrence are doing intellectual foreplay. For typically sexual folks, this may be uninteresting to pretty exciting. For orientations that run based more on the mind than the body -- like demisexual and asexual -- it can be smokin' hot stuff. Really. There are people who feel about this the way most young men feel about XXX videos, and Stan is one of them. Lawrence is coming along for the ride. (He has a sapiosexual streak.) You can practice intellectual foreplay with your partner using these questions.
Sitting together can be an intimate experience. Lawrence is borrowing some poses from couples yoga. Watch a video about yoga for partners.
Eye gazing is another exercise for couples meditation. It has many benefits, such as increased bonding, but people who are unprepared or uncomfortable with intimacy may find it overwhelming.
Compassionate Boundaries offers a Compassionate Preference Exploration Flow Chart including a key with an example flow chart. This body mapcomes with example body charts. The ComPassionate Wishlistis a Yes-No-Maybe framework that also has an example list. For any relationship that doesn't come with cultural standards, or when people don't like those standards enough to use them straight off the shelf, these tools provide an excellent way to explore sexual and nonsexual boundaries, ideas, and activities. They can be used alone or with one's partner(s).
Here is a BDSM Checklist and one you can download.
Show Us Your Story is another body outline worksheet, this time showing different types of past experience. See a blank worksheet and a filled example.
Consider different types of boundaries in relationships. Domestic violence violates assorted boundaries.
Personal boundaries can be healthy (semi-permeable) or unhealthy (limited/nonexistent, loose/porous, or rigid like a wall). You can map boundaries for as healthy, nonexistent, loose, or rigid in different parts of your life (e.g. physical, emotional, financial, temporal). This helps your family, close friends, and partner(s) understand where to take extra care and where you might need help.
This document talks about the transition from public to private space in an urban setting, which supports both socialization and security. Much the same applies inside the home. This diagram shows the range of public to private space going into a home. The street is public; anyone can go there for any reason. The front yard (and front porch if a house has one) are semi-public; people can enter without an invitation if they have a reason, like delivering a package, but can't just wander in without a good reason. The side and back yards, along with the kitchen, dining room, and living room inside the house are semi-private; people require an invitation to enter, but a variety of friends and family are routinely welcomed there. The bedrooms are private; only the owner (and their partner if they share a room), and perhaps a best friend or close sibling with invitation, is allowed there.
This is a common pattern of territory, but not the only possible one. Some people might be less territorial about their bedroom (semi-private or even semi-public) and more territorial about their kitchen (private). Mapping who may enter which parts of your territory, whether they require an invitation to do so, and whether that is a standing invitation or case-by-case, is an excellent way to show levels of intimacy in space rather than on your body.
Pips tends to have minimal attachment to territory in the outside world because he moves around so much. He has a bedroom in Joshua's house but doesn't hesitate to let other family members into it most of the time, probably friends too. It is at most semi-private. However, inviting someone into Pictish territory would be extremely private for him, something he would only do with intimate friends or family. This may change over time as Pips spends more time in the same place, so it's something he really needs to watch for.
Note that in Terramagne, teleporters customarily appear in public or semi-public territory, and do not enter semi-private or private territory without an invitation. Such an invitation, especially a standing invitation, is a deliberate and fairly serious expression of intimacy. The rare high-traffic households like the Finns may even have two teleport pads, one outside for general traffic and one inside for intimates. The rules regarding when it is acceptable to teleport into semi-private or private space without an invitation map those for breaking in during an emergency. If it would be acceptable to break a door or window (e.g. if someone is screaming or the building is on fire) then it would be acceptable to teleport (or Phase, etc.) inside. Teleporters tend to stick quite closely to these social rules, because they rely on public respectability and trust so that people don't murder them all out of fear.
Although designed for children with disabilities, this tool is helpful for anyone who can't always parse the rings of intimacy easily. It is especially helpful for people with nonstandard boundaries or relationships because they may draw the lines in different places, but still need to distinguish between closer and farther relationships. A strong or complete inability to make these distinctions is a serious social handicap, because it risks violating other people's boundaries and being vulnerable to abuse.
The ecliptic plane is defined by the Earth's orbit in the solar system, similar to the orbital plane of the other planets around the Sun. The nested circles of the standard intimacy diagram form a similar plane. A more advanced version than the mainstream one can be created by tilting a ring in relation to the others, to show a type of relationship that doesn't fit neatly into the nested pattern, such as race or religion. This resembles how Pluto's orbit is knocked askew from the other planets. That effect of a long, narrow, tilted loop neatly diagrams how Pips feels about the Picts: they're supposed to be more important than the giant, but he feels closer to some giants than to some Picts, and it's not the same kind of relationship as those mapped by individual connection. Sadly the local-American version of this tool is nowhere near as sophisticated or useful as the Terramagne version, but you can get an idea of its versatility from this example.
Commitment is actually about how tractive someone is, or wants to be -- or not. Some people don't really do long-term, committed relationships with obligations. Others feel isolated and miserable without a close network of people around them. Commitment is about what you can ask of each other. Do you have people you could wake up in the middle of the night to help with an emergency? Do you have people for whom you'd drop everything? That's commitment.
From there, it's really just thinking about what you put in which circles, because not everyone is the same. Consider what you regard as casual or intimate. Once you create that progression, you'll know where your relationships are.
Ideally, you should talk about this process with other people in your life, because there are standard (if not always accurate) maps for male/female sex/romance but nothing much beyond that. It's like how queerfolk have to decide who pays for a dinner date. My partner and I talked through a lot of things because, while we look M/F at a casual glance, our dynamic is a lot more complicated than that, so we needed to build from scratch not take a relationship off the shelf.
Commitment develops in phases as you climb the levels. This chart shows 9 steps of a typical heterosexual relationship in local-America. Here are three different "plots" that a standard heterosexual relationship could take. You should ask questions as you go along, because developing different levels of commitment causes problems. When you go from casual to couple, there are ways to strengthen and deepen your relationship. A similar pattern occurs in friendships. This graphic shows levels of relationships online. Here are some websites about commitment levels.
Because most societies offer little or no guidance to QUILTBAG folks, people in those relationships have to figure out for themselves things like who pays for a date and who does which chores. This often gives them a better-fitting arrangement than a heterosexual couple following a script.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a reasonable place to start, but bear in mind not everyone puts them in the same order. Here is a list of universal human needs; people will value these at different levels. It helps to know your needs and other people's needs in a relationship, in order to get your needs met and get what you want.
These worksheets assist people in defining what they want to do and say in a relationship, including but not limited to sex and kink. This should give you an idea how to create such materials for areas of intimacy that are not covered. Here's one on what makes a relationship work. This site offers worksheets on what you want to do (page 1 and page 2), what turns you on, sexy talk, fantasies, boundaries, and intersections. They also come in PDF format.
I have a detailed discussion about nonsexual kink here.
Vanilla - a person who does not feel attracted to kinky people or activities at all.
It is worth noting that this use of "vanilla" has spawned other vocabulary of "ice cream sexuality." Kink is typically represented by less common and popular flavors such as "pistachio" or "rocky road." The "gray" range for people who like only the mildest kink is sometimes called "French vanilla."
Power exchange is the heart of kink. This requires extra care, and you need to watch out for communication barriers.
Door hangers help communication, especially the message board style. You can make your own.
Pervertables are everyday items used for kinky purposes. Most kinkyfolk have a collection of stuff like rope and wooden spoons that they bought in a regular store but enjoy playing with in the bedroom.
Spandex bondage is ideal for when someone wants the contact comfort of bondage, but doesn't want to be tied to anything or wear awkward equipment. Medical spandex has the advantage that it's designed to wear for quite a while without constricting circulation, bothering skin, or causing other problems. It just feels huggy. Bennett is using dexflan because some of his partners have superpowers, and dexflan responds to those without the vulnerability most ordinary materials suffer -- so it's much safer. As Pips discovers, it's also more fun, because some soups can feel it with their superpowers.
Bennett's dexflan ankle binders are basically half-socks with soft, stretchy straps that wrap around and then cling in place to adjust the pressure. There are also D-ring inserts, not needed in this session.
These fingerless gloves go about halfway up the forearm, with an adjustable wrist strap. Again, it's easy to add a D-ring using the strap.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-12-30 04:59 am (UTC)One thing I've noticed, but never seen discussed is type of touch.
I.e. a woman might be more comfortable hugging a guy or sitting on his lap than having his hands on her chest/posterior.
So touch with hands is different than, say leaning on someone, even if the recieving body parts are the same.
>>"To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy."
-- Anonymous<<
Peridot: "Why aren't you mad?"
Garnet: "Because you tried to understand me."
-Steven Universe
>>Eye gazing is another exercise for couples meditation. It has many benefits, such as increased bonding, but people who are unprepared or uncomfortable with intimacy may find it overwhelming.<<
I notice that in interspecies relationships with a large size difference, the smaller member of the dyad will often prefer to stay near their larger buddy's head when cuddling or enjoying each others presence.
Examples of pairs I've seen doing this, even if only in pictures: bird/human, cat/human, dog/human, human/horse, human/elephant. (I don't think rats and mice do this...but admittedly I've never had a pet rat/mouse.)
This seems related to eye gazing, but not exactly the same thing.
>>Ideally, you should talk about this process with other people in your life, because there are standard (if not always accurate) maps...<<
People may also have very different scripts/maps for any kind of relationship. This is a good thing to keep in mind if dealing with very different people from oneself.
Cuddling near the larger critter's head
Date: 2021-12-31 05:58 am (UTC)Ticia (see icon) does this with me, as soon as I lie down and turn my CPAP on. Later she'll move to somewhere around my knees. Desti usually curls up near my feet.
Re: Cuddling near the larger critter's head
Date: 2021-12-31 07:15 am (UTC)Re: Cuddling near the larger critter's head
Date: 2021-12-31 11:14 am (UTC)It just seemed to be a greater than random chance pattern occurring over diverse enough circumstances to be noteworthy.
And: Awww, happy kitty!