Poem: "We Are What We Are"
Oct. 23rd, 2021 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the October 5, 2021 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from ng_moonmoth and Shirley Barrette. It also fills the "Sometimes we are what we are, and we should embrace that." square in my 10-1-21 card for the Fall Festival Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Officer Pink thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. Its sequel is "We Get Along Best."
"We Are What We Are"
[Midday of Friday, August 28, 2015]
Ansel sat in the canteen at work and
tried not to stare at René Schrader,
the Law Enforcement / Bicycling Liaison.
The other man was tall and slim with
wiry muscles and light brown hair,
currently wearing a purple T-shirt
with a bicycle on the front of it.
Ansel knew him casually,
like he knew most of the folks
who worked at the police station,
whether they were fellow officers
or other employees like René,
but they didn't overlap much.
The thing was, René had
asked him out once, and that
was starting to bother Ansel:
not the being asked part, but
the declining thoughtlessly part.
Turq had become a member of
Ansel's family. While that wasn't
sexual for them, it made Ansel
wonder about his own orientation
and whether it was really as straight
as he had always thought it was,
if he could form a connection
that close with another man.
Was there more that he wasn't
noticing? Maybe so, maybe not.
It seemed like the sort of thing
he should probably think about.
René made it look so easy. He
was bisexual and made neither
a secret nor a big deal out of it.
Surely it couldn't be that hard?
Ansel had plenty of materials
for inclusivity presentations, but
none of that had helped him
to sort out his own feelings.
Suddenly René picked up
his lunch and moved from
the small table near the door
to the one where Ansel sat.
"Hey, you've been not-staring
at me for ten minutes," René said.
"You want to talk or something?"
Ansel sighed and put his face
in his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you. I was
trying to keep it to myself."
"I have EFA training if
something is eating you,"
René said. "I don't mind."
"I should probably start with
an apology," Ansel said as
he put down his sandwich.
"What for?" René said,
startled. "You've never
been anything other than
perfectly polite to me."
"Remember when you
first started working here,
and you asked me out
on a date?" Ansel said.
"Yes, and you were
a complete gentleman
about declining the offer,"
René said. "Don't sweat it."
Ansel shook his head.
"I wasn't fair to either of us,"
he said. "I turned you down
without even thinking about it.
That's not a good habit, and
now it's bothering me."
"I'm listening," René said.
"That was a few years ago,
so what brought it up now?
Wait, you didn't break up
with Janie, did you?"
"No, no, everything is
fine at home," said Ansel.
"I've just been growing closer
to Turq, and that got me thinking,
if I could get that attached to him,
could I have feelings for another man?"
"Ah," René said, enlightened. "You
noticed changes in your life, and they
made you wonder if your interests
might be wider than you realized."
"Exactly!" said Ansel. "I tried
looking at the help references,
but well ..." He shrugged.
"They're not the same as
talking with someone who's
actually familiar with the topic,"
René said. "Really, I don't mind.
I had mentors as a bisexual kid,
and they helped me a lot."
"Yeah, I'd love to talk, but
I don't want to be that guy,
you know?" Ansel said. "Just
because you're bisexual and
you asked me out once, doesn't
necessarily mean you want to be
my partner in this experiment."
"Well, what did Janie say -- or
have you told her?" René said.
"I told her what I'm thinking about,"
Ansel said. "She encouraged me
to explore it if I wanted to, since
self-knowledge is a good thing.
I'm just ... it's kind of awkward."
"Sometimes we are what we are,
and we should embrace that,"
said René. "Believe me, it's
better than fighting yourself."
"I'm trying," Ansel said, "but
it's hard when I don't know
exactly what I am. That's
why I'm hoping to find out.
I just don't want to step on
anyone else in the process."
"It can take time to discover
things about yourself, especially
if they aren't obvious," said René.
"Think of sexual interest like a target,
which could be larger or smaller."
Ansel frowned. "I don't get it."
"Okay, I'm bisexual, so I have
two targets, roughly equal in size,
one for men and one for women,"
René said. "As a teen, I got lots of
hits on both sides, people I thought
were hot. So it was easy for me
to recognize that I'm bi. I just had
to think about what it meant to me."
"I guess that makes sense,"
Ansel said. "I'm straight ...
at least, I thought I was."
"So growing up, you got hits
from hot women, but you didn't
notice anything else," René said.
"That could mean you only have
one target -- or more than one, but
the male is smaller, so no hits on it."
Ansel thought about that. "What I
feel for Turq isn't sexual, but it got me
thinking, so maybe that's the equivalent
of hitting just the edge of the target?"
"That's possible," said René. "Also,
orientation breaks down in different parts.
A person can be heterosexual but bisensual,
or bitractive. It depends on what you like
doing with different kinds of people. I'm
curious, though, why you described
that relationship as not sexual."
"Because it can't be, and that's
not my decision," Ansel said promptly.
"Turq is -- well, you've seen the news,
it's no secret that he has a lot of damage
from the mad science torture. He says
his sex and romance stuff is broken."
"Ouch," said René. "I'm no expert,
but if Turq needs a friendly ear,
then let him know I'm available."
"I'll pass the word," said Ansel.
"Turq has tried some therapy, but
again, not with an expert in that topic.
I figured I should work on my stuff first
before trying to raise the issue with him.
He has enough to deal with already."
"That's very responsible of you,"
René said. "It should help with you
and Janie too, whatever you wind up
deciding your orientations are."
"Let's say, I think it's a thing that
I should probably know about
myself before I get married, and
Janie has a right to know too,
either way," Ansel explained.
He picked up his sandwich so
he wouldn't forget to finish it.
"Yeah," René said slowly,
"those are good points."
"I just don't know what to do
next," Ansel said. "I don't think
I can figure this out alone."
"Are you asking me out?"
René said, smiling at him.
"No, I really don't want to be
that guy, like I said earlier,"
Ansel replied. "I've seen it
a couple times in college and
had to clean up after it once."
"Okay, different approach:
if I asked you out, would you
think about it this time before
you responded?" said René.
He nibbled on his own lunch.
"Yes," Ansel said. He mulled it
over. "I think that might help.
I would indeed be interested
in exploring the possibility."
"Check with Janie and see
what she thinks," said René.
"I won't help if it's cheating."
Ansel blushed. "She, uh,
wrote me a permission slip."
He fished it out of his pocket
and slid it across the table.
-------------------------------------
Ansel has my permission
to explore his orientation
in ways that don't involve
the need for prophylactics.
-- Janie
-------------------------------------
"That's certainly helpful,"
said René. "All right, would
you like to go for a bike ride
and maybe coffee afterwards?"
"I would love to," Ansel said,
relieved. "Thank you so much."
He finished the rest of his lunch,
then wadded up the wrapper.
"You're welcome," said René.
"Regardless of your orientation,
it's something work friends can do."
He really did encourage people
toward biking all the time, but
Ansel did that almost as much.
"Yeah, we're lucky to work where
we have showers so we can bike
to work if we want," Ansel said.
"Here's another idea to consider,"
said René. "You could drop by
the First Church of Lovingkindness.
I'm on the Visitation Team, so I know
everyone who's out of the QUILTBAG.
We have both a Bible study club and
a support group for sex/gender stuff."
"Hmm," Ansel said thoughtfully.
"I'm not really religious, but I might
give that support group a try."
"You and God don't get along,
or you just haven't found a church
that does much for you?" said René.
"More the latter," said Ansel. "I like God
just fine, but I don't have very much time for
church activities. Sometimes I catch events at
the People of Jesus Nondenominational Church
and Interfaith Center. I try to attend Easter and
Christmas services, but not every Sunday."
"Oh, we do a lot of networking with them,"
René said, perking up. "And doesn't
your brother-in-law Jermaine go to
the Bluehill Baptist Church? They're
another on our regular list of partners."
"Yeah, Bluehill Baptist Church has
the best music program, and they're
pretty inclusive too," he said. "I
like to catch their Christmas stuff."
René smirked. "We just started
a Madrigals group. I heard about it
from the Minister of Music yesterday."
"That sounds like fun," Ansel said.
He took out his phone to jot it down.
Janie liked all kinds of holiday stuff,
and maybe Turq could watch too
if it wound up on local television.
Then his vidwatch chimed.
"That's my five-minute warning."
René glanced at his vidwatch.
"Yeah, I've got about ten left,"
he said. "Catch you after work?"
"I'm looking forward to it,"
Ansel said with a smile.
Maybe it would help him
figure out what he was.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes appear separately.
ng_moonmoth and Shirley Barrette. It also fills the "Sometimes we are what we are, and we should embrace that." square in my 10-1-21 card for the Fall Festival Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by Anthony & Shirley Barrette. It belongs to the Officer Pink thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. Its sequel is "We Get Along Best.""We Are What We Are"
[Midday of Friday, August 28, 2015]
Ansel sat in the canteen at work and
tried not to stare at René Schrader,
the Law Enforcement / Bicycling Liaison.
The other man was tall and slim with
wiry muscles and light brown hair,
currently wearing a purple T-shirt
with a bicycle on the front of it.
Ansel knew him casually,
like he knew most of the folks
who worked at the police station,
whether they were fellow officers
or other employees like René,
but they didn't overlap much.
The thing was, René had
asked him out once, and that
was starting to bother Ansel:
not the being asked part, but
the declining thoughtlessly part.
Turq had become a member of
Ansel's family. While that wasn't
sexual for them, it made Ansel
wonder about his own orientation
and whether it was really as straight
as he had always thought it was,
if he could form a connection
that close with another man.
Was there more that he wasn't
noticing? Maybe so, maybe not.
It seemed like the sort of thing
he should probably think about.
René made it look so easy. He
was bisexual and made neither
a secret nor a big deal out of it.
Surely it couldn't be that hard?
Ansel had plenty of materials
for inclusivity presentations, but
none of that had helped him
to sort out his own feelings.
Suddenly René picked up
his lunch and moved from
the small table near the door
to the one where Ansel sat.
"Hey, you've been not-staring
at me for ten minutes," René said.
"You want to talk or something?"
Ansel sighed and put his face
in his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you. I was
trying to keep it to myself."
"I have EFA training if
something is eating you,"
René said. "I don't mind."
"I should probably start with
an apology," Ansel said as
he put down his sandwich.
"What for?" René said,
startled. "You've never
been anything other than
perfectly polite to me."
"Remember when you
first started working here,
and you asked me out
on a date?" Ansel said.
"Yes, and you were
a complete gentleman
about declining the offer,"
René said. "Don't sweat it."
Ansel shook his head.
"I wasn't fair to either of us,"
he said. "I turned you down
without even thinking about it.
That's not a good habit, and
now it's bothering me."
"I'm listening," René said.
"That was a few years ago,
so what brought it up now?
Wait, you didn't break up
with Janie, did you?"
"No, no, everything is
fine at home," said Ansel.
"I've just been growing closer
to Turq, and that got me thinking,
if I could get that attached to him,
could I have feelings for another man?"
"Ah," René said, enlightened. "You
noticed changes in your life, and they
made you wonder if your interests
might be wider than you realized."
"Exactly!" said Ansel. "I tried
looking at the help references,
but well ..." He shrugged.
"They're not the same as
talking with someone who's
actually familiar with the topic,"
René said. "Really, I don't mind.
I had mentors as a bisexual kid,
and they helped me a lot."
"Yeah, I'd love to talk, but
I don't want to be that guy,
you know?" Ansel said. "Just
because you're bisexual and
you asked me out once, doesn't
necessarily mean you want to be
my partner in this experiment."
"Well, what did Janie say -- or
have you told her?" René said.
"I told her what I'm thinking about,"
Ansel said. "She encouraged me
to explore it if I wanted to, since
self-knowledge is a good thing.
I'm just ... it's kind of awkward."
"Sometimes we are what we are,
and we should embrace that,"
said René. "Believe me, it's
better than fighting yourself."
"I'm trying," Ansel said, "but
it's hard when I don't know
exactly what I am. That's
why I'm hoping to find out.
I just don't want to step on
anyone else in the process."
"It can take time to discover
things about yourself, especially
if they aren't obvious," said René.
"Think of sexual interest like a target,
which could be larger or smaller."
Ansel frowned. "I don't get it."
"Okay, I'm bisexual, so I have
two targets, roughly equal in size,
one for men and one for women,"
René said. "As a teen, I got lots of
hits on both sides, people I thought
were hot. So it was easy for me
to recognize that I'm bi. I just had
to think about what it meant to me."
"I guess that makes sense,"
Ansel said. "I'm straight ...
at least, I thought I was."
"So growing up, you got hits
from hot women, but you didn't
notice anything else," René said.
"That could mean you only have
one target -- or more than one, but
the male is smaller, so no hits on it."
Ansel thought about that. "What I
feel for Turq isn't sexual, but it got me
thinking, so maybe that's the equivalent
of hitting just the edge of the target?"
"That's possible," said René. "Also,
orientation breaks down in different parts.
A person can be heterosexual but bisensual,
or bitractive. It depends on what you like
doing with different kinds of people. I'm
curious, though, why you described
that relationship as not sexual."
"Because it can't be, and that's
not my decision," Ansel said promptly.
"Turq is -- well, you've seen the news,
it's no secret that he has a lot of damage
from the mad science torture. He says
his sex and romance stuff is broken."
"Ouch," said René. "I'm no expert,
but if Turq needs a friendly ear,
then let him know I'm available."
"I'll pass the word," said Ansel.
"Turq has tried some therapy, but
again, not with an expert in that topic.
I figured I should work on my stuff first
before trying to raise the issue with him.
He has enough to deal with already."
"That's very responsible of you,"
René said. "It should help with you
and Janie too, whatever you wind up
deciding your orientations are."
"Let's say, I think it's a thing that
I should probably know about
myself before I get married, and
Janie has a right to know too,
either way," Ansel explained.
He picked up his sandwich so
he wouldn't forget to finish it.
"Yeah," René said slowly,
"those are good points."
"I just don't know what to do
next," Ansel said. "I don't think
I can figure this out alone."
"Are you asking me out?"
René said, smiling at him.
"No, I really don't want to be
that guy, like I said earlier,"
Ansel replied. "I've seen it
a couple times in college and
had to clean up after it once."
"Okay, different approach:
if I asked you out, would you
think about it this time before
you responded?" said René.
He nibbled on his own lunch.
"Yes," Ansel said. He mulled it
over. "I think that might help.
I would indeed be interested
in exploring the possibility."
"Check with Janie and see
what she thinks," said René.
"I won't help if it's cheating."
Ansel blushed. "She, uh,
wrote me a permission slip."
He fished it out of his pocket
and slid it across the table.
-------------------------------------
Ansel has my permission
to explore his orientation
in ways that don't involve
the need for prophylactics.
-- Janie
-------------------------------------
"That's certainly helpful,"
said René. "All right, would
you like to go for a bike ride
and maybe coffee afterwards?"
"I would love to," Ansel said,
relieved. "Thank you so much."
He finished the rest of his lunch,
then wadded up the wrapper.
"You're welcome," said René.
"Regardless of your orientation,
it's something work friends can do."
He really did encourage people
toward biking all the time, but
Ansel did that almost as much.
"Yeah, we're lucky to work where
we have showers so we can bike
to work if we want," Ansel said.
"Here's another idea to consider,"
said René. "You could drop by
the First Church of Lovingkindness.
I'm on the Visitation Team, so I know
everyone who's out of the QUILTBAG.
We have both a Bible study club and
a support group for sex/gender stuff."
"Hmm," Ansel said thoughtfully.
"I'm not really religious, but I might
give that support group a try."
"You and God don't get along,
or you just haven't found a church
that does much for you?" said René.
"More the latter," said Ansel. "I like God
just fine, but I don't have very much time for
church activities. Sometimes I catch events at
the People of Jesus Nondenominational Church
and Interfaith Center. I try to attend Easter and
Christmas services, but not every Sunday."
"Oh, we do a lot of networking with them,"
René said, perking up. "And doesn't
your brother-in-law Jermaine go to
the Bluehill Baptist Church? They're
another on our regular list of partners."
"Yeah, Bluehill Baptist Church has
the best music program, and they're
pretty inclusive too," he said. "I
like to catch their Christmas stuff."
René smirked. "We just started
a Madrigals group. I heard about it
from the Minister of Music yesterday."
"That sounds like fun," Ansel said.
He took out his phone to jot it down.
Janie liked all kinds of holiday stuff,
and maybe Turq could watch too
if it wound up on local television.
Then his vidwatch chimed.
"That's my five-minute warning."
René glanced at his vidwatch.
"Yeah, I've got about ten left,"
he said. "Catch you after work?"
"I'm looking forward to it,"
Ansel said with a smile.
Maybe it would help him
figure out what he was.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes appear separately.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-10-24 04:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-10-24 09:38 pm (UTC)Yay!
Date: 2021-10-24 09:46 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2021-10-24 09:43 pm (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2021-10-26 03:21 pm (UTC)