Poem: "Quicker Than You Can Lower Them"
May. 6th, 2021 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the December 1, 2020 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from chanter1944 and Anonymous. It also fills the "Baby It's Cold Outside" square in my 12-1-20 card for the Winter Fest Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by librarygeek in honor of the National Day of Awareness for Missing and Murdered Native Women and Girls. It belongs to the Iron Horses thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. For the introduction of the main characters, begin with "Whatever You Do to the Animals," "Reaching Out to Rescue One Another," and "To Prevent Future Tragedies." This poem is the second in a set of four, after "Ways to Make the Pain Go Away" and followed by "A Crazy and Drunk Life" and "Repair Just About Anything."
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes a trivial hangover, panic and anger, arguing over consent, feelings of betrayal, physical roughness, self-condemnation, violation of personal standards, needing to talk with someone, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Quicker Than You Can Lower Them"
[Saturday, October 3, 2015]
Warshirt woke up feeling
surprisingly okay.
Last night's bender
was no more than
a faint ache and
a bit of brain fog.
That was unusual,
but certainly welcome.
Looking around, he
found a bottle of water
and a packet of aspirin
on the bedside table.
Warshirt swallowed both.
Also on the table was
a folded pile of clothes.
Shaking them out
revealed a gray Henley,
a blue-and-gray plaid shirt,
and a pair of blue jeans.
Underwear and socks
were tucked in the shoes
that waited beside the bed.
It was so nice to get dressed
without having to think first.
Wind blew dead leaves
to rattle against the window.
It must be cold outside.
It was also nice to dress
for the weather without
needing to turn on a radio
or peek outside to check.
Warshirt ambled into
the bathroom and went
through his morning routine.
After that, he headed
into the kitchen.
Spotted Deer was
already up and
making toast.
"Good morning,"
she said. "I wasn't
sure what you would
be able to eat today.
How are you feeling?"
"Better than expected,"
Warshirt admitted.
"Oh, good," she said.
"I know how to handle
drunks, but not everyone
responds the same way.
I'm glad it worked for you."
Spotted Deer put a plate
of toast in front of him.
Warshirt started eating
automatically, and then
the words sank in.
"Glad what worked
for me?" he demanded.
"What the fuck did you
do to me while I was
too smashed to notice?"
Warshirt looked down at
what he could see of himself,
but there were no rude drawings
or new tattoos. This time.
Spotted Deer waved a hand,
drifting her scent toward him.
"You were drunk, so I did
what I could," she said.
"You used your powers
on me?" he squawked.
"Without even asking?"
"You were barely talking,"
Spotted Deer said, fidgeting.
"I was just trying to keep you
comfortable ... and alive."
Betrayal seethed in his belly.
Warshirt shoved away from
the table and snatched his toast.
"I'm heading out," he snapped.
"I didn't mean --" she said,
reaching out to him.
Warshirt smacked
her hand away. "Don't
fucking touch me!"
He stormed out
to his pickup truck.
The air was damp and
raw, the kind of cold that
sank through your clothes
to settle in your bones.
Warshirt slumped over
the steering wheel.
He hated losing
his temper like that.
Yeah, he was also terrified
of someone using powers on
him when he was drunk, but
sometimes he scared himself.
Fuck. What a fucking mess.
It reminded him of something
he had heard before: As
a drunk, you will violate
your standards quicker
than you can lower them.
Warshirt should have known
that nothing good would ever last
without him fucking it up somehow.
Grumbling, he stuffed more toast
in his mouth and then backed
the truck out of the driveway.
He needed to talk to someone.
Allan would listen, all right,
but Allan would also offer him
another beer, and that was ...
probably not what he needed now.
Many Tongues could help, though,
and he wouldn't suggest beer as
a first solution to the problems.
He lived in Rocky Boy's Reservation,
but that wasn't too far to drive.
Warshirt made the right turn.
* * *
Notes:
"As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them."
-- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self-Destruction
Alcohol misuse in general and binge drinking in particular tends to cause hangovers. Understand how to prevent and treat hangovers.
Brain fog often comes with a hangover. Learn how to reduce it.
This is Warshirt's blue flannel outfit.
Informed consent applies to all contexts, but is most often discussed in regard to medical care and human studies. In this case, the tangled relationship makes consent iffy for Warshirt and Spotted Deer. Everyone just has to do the best they can in that situation, which doesn't turn out very well. Here's a discussion about the spectrum of consent.
A moral compass is an inner sense that guides ethical decisions and influences other people. While people worry that superpowers would make everyone evil, that's not what happens. Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals. What it reveals in this case is that Spotted Deer wants to take care of people but has impaired boundaries due to past abuse. Understand how to calibrate your moral compass and how to teach moral behavior to others.
Boundaries are necessary for good relationships. Understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Abuse survivors often have an impaired sense of boundaries and thus may need help managing healthy ones.
Passing out in public makes people vulnerable to things like drunk drawing and drunk tattoos. Warshirt is touchy about this due to bad experiences in the past.
Betrayal is a violation of expectations or agreements. It tends to have serious, long-term effects. Warshirt feels betrayed because Spotted Deer did things to him without asking first. Spotted Deer feels betrayed by him smacking her. Understand how to deal with being betrayed and make up for betraying someone.
Trust has multiple aspects and stages. Healthy touch helps it grow. Both Warshirt and Spotted Deer have previously made good progress with trusting each other, but they also have some trust issues from past trauma. There are ways to learn how to trust again. Know how to recognize a trustworthy person, become trustworthy yourself, build trust with other people, and rebuild damaged trust.
Domestic violence often occurs in fraught relationships. Here's a questionnaire about relationship health. This page explains different types of abuse. Know how to deal with it. In this case, it's neither severe nor particularly intentional, more a defensive reflex -- but it's definitely the kind of thing that could cause serious trouble if not addressed.
Anger is a natural and necessary emotion, but too much can cause problems. There are brochures on expressing emotion, feeling angry, and anger management. For people who feel powerless to control their anger -- a very common condition -- support groups with that premise may help, such as Emotions Anonymous or Rageaholics Anonymous. Bullying brochures sometimes address questions of whether you could be hurting people. This is the most useful post I found on how to stop abusing others.
Negative emotions such as guilt and/or shame are essential to mental health. Guilt prods people to respect social standards. Shame demands that people live up to their own standards. Right now, Warshirt is still furious with Spotted Deer for doing things to him while he was drunk, but he also feels bad about losing his temper, which is a downright miserable combination. Understand how to get over guilt and release shame. You can break the cycle of self-judgement and stop beating yourself up.
Talking about problems can help in several ways. It's particularly useful when you have painted yourself into a corner and have no idea how to get out. Know what to do when you need someone to talk with and how to talk about difficult topics.
chanter1944 and Anonymous. It also fills the "Baby It's Cold Outside" square in my 12-1-20 card for the Winter Fest Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by librarygeek in honor of the National Day of Awareness for Missing and Murdered Native Women and Girls. It belongs to the Iron Horses thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. For the introduction of the main characters, begin with "Whatever You Do to the Animals," "Reaching Out to Rescue One Another," and "To Prevent Future Tragedies." This poem is the second in a set of four, after "Ways to Make the Pain Go Away" and followed by "A Crazy and Drunk Life" and "Repair Just About Anything." Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes a trivial hangover, panic and anger, arguing over consent, feelings of betrayal, physical roughness, self-condemnation, violation of personal standards, needing to talk with someone, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Quicker Than You Can Lower Them"
[Saturday, October 3, 2015]
Warshirt woke up feeling
surprisingly okay.
Last night's bender
was no more than
a faint ache and
a bit of brain fog.
That was unusual,
but certainly welcome.
Looking around, he
found a bottle of water
and a packet of aspirin
on the bedside table.
Warshirt swallowed both.
Also on the table was
a folded pile of clothes.
Shaking them out
revealed a gray Henley,
a blue-and-gray plaid shirt,
and a pair of blue jeans.
Underwear and socks
were tucked in the shoes
that waited beside the bed.
It was so nice to get dressed
without having to think first.
Wind blew dead leaves
to rattle against the window.
It must be cold outside.
It was also nice to dress
for the weather without
needing to turn on a radio
or peek outside to check.
Warshirt ambled into
the bathroom and went
through his morning routine.
After that, he headed
into the kitchen.
Spotted Deer was
already up and
making toast.
"Good morning,"
she said. "I wasn't
sure what you would
be able to eat today.
How are you feeling?"
"Better than expected,"
Warshirt admitted.
"Oh, good," she said.
"I know how to handle
drunks, but not everyone
responds the same way.
I'm glad it worked for you."
Spotted Deer put a plate
of toast in front of him.
Warshirt started eating
automatically, and then
the words sank in.
"Glad what worked
for me?" he demanded.
"What the fuck did you
do to me while I was
too smashed to notice?"
Warshirt looked down at
what he could see of himself,
but there were no rude drawings
or new tattoos. This time.
Spotted Deer waved a hand,
drifting her scent toward him.
"You were drunk, so I did
what I could," she said.
"You used your powers
on me?" he squawked.
"Without even asking?"
"You were barely talking,"
Spotted Deer said, fidgeting.
"I was just trying to keep you
comfortable ... and alive."
Betrayal seethed in his belly.
Warshirt shoved away from
the table and snatched his toast.
"I'm heading out," he snapped.
"I didn't mean --" she said,
reaching out to him.
Warshirt smacked
her hand away. "Don't
fucking touch me!"
He stormed out
to his pickup truck.
The air was damp and
raw, the kind of cold that
sank through your clothes
to settle in your bones.
Warshirt slumped over
the steering wheel.
He hated losing
his temper like that.
Yeah, he was also terrified
of someone using powers on
him when he was drunk, but
sometimes he scared himself.
Fuck. What a fucking mess.
It reminded him of something
he had heard before: As
a drunk, you will violate
your standards quicker
than you can lower them.
Warshirt should have known
that nothing good would ever last
without him fucking it up somehow.
Grumbling, he stuffed more toast
in his mouth and then backed
the truck out of the driveway.
He needed to talk to someone.
Allan would listen, all right,
but Allan would also offer him
another beer, and that was ...
probably not what he needed now.
Many Tongues could help, though,
and he wouldn't suggest beer as
a first solution to the problems.
He lived in Rocky Boy's Reservation,
but that wasn't too far to drive.
Warshirt made the right turn.
* * *
Notes:
"As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them."
-- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self-Destruction
Alcohol misuse in general and binge drinking in particular tends to cause hangovers. Understand how to prevent and treat hangovers.
Brain fog often comes with a hangover. Learn how to reduce it.
This is Warshirt's blue flannel outfit.
Informed consent applies to all contexts, but is most often discussed in regard to medical care and human studies. In this case, the tangled relationship makes consent iffy for Warshirt and Spotted Deer. Everyone just has to do the best they can in that situation, which doesn't turn out very well. Here's a discussion about the spectrum of consent.
A moral compass is an inner sense that guides ethical decisions and influences other people. While people worry that superpowers would make everyone evil, that's not what happens. Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals. What it reveals in this case is that Spotted Deer wants to take care of people but has impaired boundaries due to past abuse. Understand how to calibrate your moral compass and how to teach moral behavior to others.
Boundaries are necessary for good relationships. Understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Abuse survivors often have an impaired sense of boundaries and thus may need help managing healthy ones.
Passing out in public makes people vulnerable to things like drunk drawing and drunk tattoos. Warshirt is touchy about this due to bad experiences in the past.
Betrayal is a violation of expectations or agreements. It tends to have serious, long-term effects. Warshirt feels betrayed because Spotted Deer did things to him without asking first. Spotted Deer feels betrayed by him smacking her. Understand how to deal with being betrayed and make up for betraying someone.
Trust has multiple aspects and stages. Healthy touch helps it grow. Both Warshirt and Spotted Deer have previously made good progress with trusting each other, but they also have some trust issues from past trauma. There are ways to learn how to trust again. Know how to recognize a trustworthy person, become trustworthy yourself, build trust with other people, and rebuild damaged trust.
Domestic violence often occurs in fraught relationships. Here's a questionnaire about relationship health. This page explains different types of abuse. Know how to deal with it. In this case, it's neither severe nor particularly intentional, more a defensive reflex -- but it's definitely the kind of thing that could cause serious trouble if not addressed.
Anger is a natural and necessary emotion, but too much can cause problems. There are brochures on expressing emotion, feeling angry, and anger management. For people who feel powerless to control their anger -- a very common condition -- support groups with that premise may help, such as Emotions Anonymous or Rageaholics Anonymous. Bullying brochures sometimes address questions of whether you could be hurting people. This is the most useful post I found on how to stop abusing others.
Negative emotions such as guilt and/or shame are essential to mental health. Guilt prods people to respect social standards. Shame demands that people live up to their own standards. Right now, Warshirt is still furious with Spotted Deer for doing things to him while he was drunk, but he also feels bad about losing his temper, which is a downright miserable combination. Understand how to get over guilt and release shame. You can break the cycle of self-judgement and stop beating yourself up.
Talking about problems can help in several ways. It's particularly useful when you have painted yourself into a corner and have no idea how to get out. Know what to do when you need someone to talk with and how to talk about difficult topics.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-05-06 11:45 pm (UTC)She could be freaked out that Warshirt was being aggressive...or she might have her warning threshold set way higher, from past experience.
Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 12:33 am (UTC)While their details are unique, the broad concept of two damaged people getting together is common, and ubiquitous on a reservation. I'm having a hard time finding usable references, because everything has a lot of wrong assumptions. I suspect that's a key reason why so many relationships turn into disasters. There's nothing about identifying and trying to fix problems when they start and are, in fact, usually small enough to fix.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 02:41 am (UTC)So...somewhat upset, because she doesn't know where the agression came from and doesn't like being agressed at, but not terrified or emotionally injured?
...and I know she trusts Warshirt, and thinks of him as a protector / safe person so while his being agressive is in some ways more upsetting than if a stranger did it, it is also possibly more fixable, as talking it out is more likely to work?
(Ideas mostly spooled from a few instances where guys I know accidentally verbally hurt me without intending to, and the emotional repercussions of that.)
>>I'm having a hard time finding usable references, because everything has a lot of wrong assumptions.<<
Look at peacemaking, nonviolence, descalation trainings. And Suzette Hadin Elgin's Verbal Self-Defense books.
The trainings have useful information on how to defuse upset, angry or triggered people - and how to keep yourself from becoming upset, angry, or triggered in the process. (Practice, practice, practice helps.)
Some of the trainings I have heard of or done also include the very useful advice that agressive or dysfunctional behavior is signaling an unmet need - and even provided lists of some of those needs. (Also, cross-reference with resources for working with special-needs kids. Behavior is communication.)
Verbal Self Defense has good ways to sidestep conversational attacks, and how to perceive other's viewpoints. I fond the frog/flower language metaphor to be useful for crossing languages (and possibly for help/nonverbal communication), as well as same-language communication.
I think there are some mental health and communication resources for things like breathing exercises, spoon theory, identifying triggers and using safewords, (peer counseling?) but you have a better database on that stuff than I do, I think. (General resources for how to help with mental issues - even if assuming that the helper is mentally functional - are better than nothing.)
Something else I have observed - if there is any sort of good-quality social framework in place, it is far easier to resolve these things. This can be Grandma the mediator, someone's friends sit on them (metaphorically) so no-one gets banned from the bar, the HR department who awesomely resolves complaints, the social network that parcels out bits of crisis so everything's handled, etc and so on. (Even if theres just one person, or a couple of people, that may stave off a crisis or two.)
I don't know that any of this will be exactly what you're looking for, but I hope some of it will help.
>>There's nothing about identifying and trying to fix problems when they start and are, in fact, usually small enough to fix.<<
[Snort] Some people either don't notice the small problems, or don't think they are problems.
And then get annoyed at the solutions or side effects to the solutions.
Poor communication skills and / or communication compatibility do not help. (Skills =/= compatibility.)
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 06:41 am (UTC)Let's say emotionally bruised and rattled. Ironically I think Warshirt was freaking out more than Spotted Deer, because she was still trying to connect with him until he bolted. She probably got more upset after he left, in the "oh shit what did I do wrong what if he hates me what if he throws me out" line. Getting smacked was startling and upsetting, but not terrifying.
>> ...and I know she trusts Warshirt, and thinks of him as a protector / safe person so while his being agressive is in some ways more upsetting than if a stranger did it, it is also possibly more fixable, as talking it out is more likely to work? <<
All probably true. Spotted Deer is used to being smacked around, but didn't expect it from him. It's definitely fixable. You'll see some steps in that direction during "A Crazy and Drunk Life," although Warshirt and Spotted Deer don't talk through what happened until "Repair Just About Anything."
>> Some of the trainings I have heard of or done also include the very useful advice that agressive or dysfunctional behavior is signaling an unmet need - and even provided lists of some of those needs.<<
This would be very useful if you could find it. Warshirt flipped out because he thought he was safe and then suddenly felt not-safe.
>> (Also, cross-reference with resources for working with special-needs kids. Behavior is communication.) <<
That one I've heard, so I managed to find references to add.
>> I think there are some mental health and communication resources for things like breathing exercises, spoon theory, identifying triggers and using safewords, (peer counseling?) but you have a better database on that stuff than I do, I think. <<
I did include peer counseling, as one of the few things Warshirt has tried that works -- his response to fucking up is talking with a fellow veteran, which helps. Warshirt has probably got a fair idea of his triggers. He just didn't give Spotted Deer much more detail than "I'm kind of messed up," so she couldn't avoid them.
>> (General resources for how to help with mental issues - even if assuming that the helper is mentally functional - are better than nothing.) <<
Sometimes true.
>> Something else I have observed - if there is any sort of good-quality social framework in place, it is far easier to resolve these things. <<
Prevailingly true.
>> This can be Grandma the mediator, someone's friends sit on them (metaphorically) so no-one gets banned from the bar, the HR department who awesomely resolves complaints, the social network that parcels out bits of crisis so everything's handled, etc and so on. (Even if theres just one person, or a couple of people, that may stave off a crisis or two.) <<
In this case, they have Warshirt's drinking buddies, who are sometimes helpful and other times really not; Many Tongues, a fellow veteran; Lin Growing Thunder, a tribal policewoman and emotional support person; and the rest of the support network that people are trying to cobble up around the rescued victims.
>> [Snort] Some people either don't notice the small problems, or don't think they are problems. <<
Painfully true.
What bothers me is that this is just one piece of a general trend in L-American mental care, which is stuck at the "virtuous pus" stage. Nobody wants to fix anything until it's a big festering mess, and by then it's often impossible to fix. Often they don't even know what problems look like in the beginning. They don't realize that minor emotional injuries need some attention to minimize the chance of becoming major problems. So things don't get fixed and get worse and it sucks all around. >_<
I can often see the small things and recognize them as nascent versions of something larger. I've seen a small stuck-problem that was really bothering someone, and figured out how to deal with it. The large stuck-problems are things like complicated grief and PTSD. If people don't learn how to recognize and unsnag the small ones, they're unprepared to cope with the large ones.
It's like ... am I the only person who notices that white hyacinth bulbs bloom white, pink ones bloom pink, purple ones bloom blue or purple, and burgundy ones bloom red? Or pried apart the remains of a damaged bulb and realized that its layers are like fat fleshy flower petals? But then my brain is fractal in ways that most humans don't seem to be. Maybe they really can't see the connections. :/
>> And then get annoyed at the solutions or side effects to the solutions. <<
Solution-caused problems also suck. I think people outside of engineering don't realize that's an issue, much, because medics routinely complain about clients refusing to take medication that makes them feel worse. Hence why Warshirt gave up on most previous stuff he tried -- it either didn't help, or made matters worse.
>> Poor communication skills and / or communication compatibility do not help. <<
True.
>> (Skills =/= compatibility.) <<
Skills can widen the range of compatibility, though. My partner and I are Hint/Ask split, but we can get through the hassles that causes because we both have good communication skills and we care enough to work on things. Without those resources, most split relationships -- for all kinds of split -- don't pan out.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 07:43 am (UTC)>>Getting smacked was startling and upsetting, but not terrifying.<<
So manageable. And if it goes the same way as the closest experiential match I've got they should be fine.
(My boundaries are such that I expect a die-hard fight when I tell a guy not to talk to me like that. And the person listened to what I had to say, responded appropriately to my injured feelings, and hasn't done it again. So now I trust this person more.)
>>This would be very useful if you could find it.<<
I can look for it later. (Its so late it is early here.) If nothing else, I should be able to find information on the training sessions.
>>Warshirt flipped out because he thought he was safe and then suddenly felt not-safe.<<
[Sarcastic cheer] Oh, I had this sort of discussion just the other day! Not only did the other person want me to stay when I wanted to leave, they insisted on criticizing a difficult ethical choice I made. (Think Morton's Fork - I am a caregivy person, and I felt I could choose one group or the other but not both.)
>>What bothers me is that this is just one piece of a general trend in L-American mental care, which is stuck at the "virtuous pus" stage.<<
I wanted to talk about stuff with people, like, a year or six months ago but it was 'fine's and 'unnecesary.'
Now they're not happy with advancing symptoms of the original problems and trying to fix them - but I'm mostly not interested. Which means I have been talked at about 'giving up.' Well, I tried for months, and you still dont want to work with me.
>>But then my brain is fractal in ways that most humans don't seem to be. Maybe they really can't see the connections. :/ <<
I think you have a larger data set than most people, tend to the higher end of the intelligence spectrum, and your brain works in non-standard ways. The first two increase the information moving around in your mind, the last means you notice things that are Beneath Notice to most people.
Also, you run with a rather eccentric and intellectual crowd with wide-ranging interests and skillsets, which gives you access to even more unusual and highly-specialized knowledge.
I notice /some/ odd connections. Neurons look like trees. A lot of kids' movies have rape jokes or slavery or Inferred Holocausts that are never addressed, or even really noted as such. Trust is important to relationships (and you'd think more people would see this).
>>I think people outside of engineering don't realize that's an issue, much, because medics routinely complain about clients refusing to take medication that makes them feel worse.<<
I think medics often believe a) they are gods and b) bodies are machines.
...goddamit, we live on Fury Road. And that explains why they dont believe you about endometriosis or phantom pains. Because they 'shouldn't' exist so the don't.
>>Skills can widen the range of compatibility, though.<<
I am more referencing that I have had more relaxing, informative and mutually beneficial communications with people who are different than me in race / religion / gender / culture / language than I have had with a relative who is the same as me in all aforementioned categories. (Well, different religious sect, but still...)
Improved language skills for the first persons do make our conversations more varied.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 09:21 am (UTC)Yes.
>> (My boundaries are such that I expect a die-hard fight when I tell a guy not to talk to me like that. And the person listened to what I had to say, responded appropriately to my injured feelings, and hasn't done it again. So now I trust this person more.) <<
Yay for decent people!
I'd rather ride a horse that I know hates wet feet than a horse whose twitches I don't know.
I think that Warshirt and Spotted Deer will come out of this better. They'll realize that stepping on each other is just a thing that happens and they can work through it so that particular problem doesn't happen again.
>>I can look for it later. (Its so late it is early here.) If nothing else, I should be able to find information on the training sessions.<<
No problem.
>> [Sarcastic cheer] Oh, I had this sort of discussion just the other day! Not only did the other person want me to stay when I wanted to leave, they insisted on criticizing a difficult ethical choice I made. (Think Morton's Fork - I am a caregivy person, and I felt I could choose one group or the other but not both.) <<
Oh for fucksake. >_<
In this case, part of the problem is that, while each person knew the other had issues, they didn't have enough detail to understand what to do or avoid doing so as to minimize flareups. Their increasing trust of each other, beyond what they often extend, was what tripped them up because they weren't watching each other for threats.
Getting to know each other better, and comparing notes, will help them avoid problems and figure out what to work on themselves.
>>I wanted to talk about stuff with people, like, a year or six months ago but it was 'fine's and 'unnecesary.'
Now they're not happy with advancing symptoms of the original problems and trying to fix them - but I'm mostly not interested. Which means I have been talked at about 'giving up.' Well, I tried for months, and you still dont want to work with me.<<
Out of phase errors can be really miserable. :(
>> I think you have a larger data set than most people, <<
Well, yeah, because Farmemory and also I'm just a data sponge.
>> tend to the higher end of the intelligence spectrum, <<
I break tests.
>>and your brain works in non-standard ways. The first two increase the information moving around in your mind, the last means you notice things that are Beneath Notice to most people.<<
True.
>>Also, you run with a rather eccentric and intellectual crowd with wide-ranging interests and skillsets, which gives you access to even more unusual and highly-specialized knowledge.<<
:D Also very true.
>>I notice /some/ odd connections. Neurons look like trees. A lot of kids' movies have rape jokes or slavery or Inferred Holocausts that are never addressed, or even really noted as such.<<
Yyyyeah. I remember the droid torture scene from Star Wars, when I was little -- everyone else laughed at it. I was sitting there going "oh shit I'm surrounded by slavers this is not good oh shit." O_O
>> Trust is important to relationships (and you'd think more people would see this). <<
You can have a working relationship if all you manage is reliance, but trust is much better if you can do it.
>> I think medics often believe a) they are gods and b) bodies are machines. <<
Sadly they are trained that way, and have largely cornered the market so that few or no alternatives are available.
Then they whine when people prefer to self-medicate than be abused.
I write fantasy, you know? And what a lot of people want to fantasize about is respect and not being treated like a piece of meat. I have had people take my poems to caregivers and say "Like this." Well, at least I've left instructions for anyone that wants them.
>> ...goddamit, we live on Fury Road.<<
If we lived on Fury Road, we'd have a lot more acceptance of disabilities. It's the most disability-friendly movie I've ever scene.
Normal Movie
Blind Guy: "I wanna go to the war."
Armorer: "You can't go to war, you're blind!"
Fury Road
Blind Guy: "I wanna go to the war."
Armorer: "Here is a truck made of amps and a guitar that shoots fire. Have fun storming the castle!"
>> And that explains why they dont believe you about endometriosis or phantom pains. Because they 'shouldn't' exist so the don't. <<
That and the sexism, racism, etc. that makes them devalue whole groups of people. Straight white rich men get decent care. Everyone else is put up with as briefly as possible and often just left to die.
Then they get pissy if you point out things like America's maternal-infant death rate is worse than some African countries.
>> I am more referencing that I have had more relaxing, informative and mutually beneficial communications with people who are different than me in race / religion / gender / culture / language than I have had with a relative who is the same as me in all aforementioned categories. (Well, different religious sect, but still...) <<
Fair enough.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-07 03:29 pm (UTC)That tripped me up in my RL example too - but I realized it was not a deliberate offense from the context and past experience with that person, and did not feel threatened enough to lash out. (I did back off and talk it out with some other people first though.) And the other person did not agress at me for being upset and saying no.
>>Out of phase errors can be really miserable. :( <<
Thanks. To make it more annoying, I can't quite figure out how to fix or articulate most of the problems anyway, and the other person hasn't nibbled at the band-aid solutions I've been hinting at.
And we keep miscommunicating at a very basic level, which is upsetting because we used to get along much better and I miss that.
>>Then they whine when people prefer to self-medicate than be abused.<<
The following error loop is annoying:
You're hurting me/not helping.
But I'm trying to help!
Stopit.
Why wont you let me help you? [Cue lecture about needing help]
And I keep seeing it and can't even get people to reliably /sit down and be quiet to not make it worse/. [Makes frustrated noises]
>>If we lived on Fury Road, we'd have a lot more acceptance of disabilities. It's the most disability-friendly movie I've ever scene.<<
Fury Road still had absolutely terrible medical care and consent culture. (And the postapocalyptic lack of supplies wasn't portrayed as the worst of it, the people as things and creepy not-doctor were.)
We're just still at the phase of messed up where we metaphoriclly have enough weapons for suppressive fire (vs hoarding bullets) and enough food that the worm-infested stuff is 'gross' rather than 'extra protein.' We can afford to be /choosy/.
The Mad Max crews were using disabled folks because everyone else was dead, not because they were kindness and compassion and light. (They'd have been down to, what, five women and a baby if they only fielded able-bodied folk.)
You see similar patterns in Death Zones. Spaniard conquistadors recruited women and native mercenaries. Failing states do the same thing. In their end days, Confederates fielded prisoners and children. Germany fielded women, old men, and children. Besieged and overrun city-states of antiquity would end with /everyone who could stand and hold a weapon fighting/.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-08 01:11 am (UTC)Okay, I think the model is Compassionate Nonviolent Communication. Feelings, Needs, and Requests are what I was remembering, I think.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#Overview
(Needs) https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
(Feelings and Needs) https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/learn-nonviolent-communication/feelings/
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-08 02:34 am (UTC)https://dcpeaceteam.com/our-work/trainings/
(Thing about conflict, recommended to me by someone else)
https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/transformation
I hope these resources are useful!
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-09 08:28 am (UTC)I doubt that Warshirt and Spotted Deer have thought mindfully about their needs. Mostly they're reacting and grabbing at the nearest possible solution, which isn't optimum.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-09 08:19 pm (UTC)I think most people dont think about needs as much as go "Yeowch! That hurts! Imma make you stop!"
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-05-10 06:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-06-02 06:00 am (UTC)Well ...
Date: 2021-06-02 06:48 am (UTC)