Poem: "As Gatekeeper to Your Life"
Jul. 12th, 2020 08:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem came out of the July 7, 2020 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from ng_moonmoth, chanter1944, and bairnsidhe. It also fills the "Pretty Paper" square in my 7-1-20 card for the Winterfest in July Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by ng_moonmoth. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. The sequel "Speaking Up" by dialecticdreamer shows Heron's response.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes blustery weather, a rude lesbian, an intolerant QUILTBAG Club, tentative sexual identities, which are challenged in rude ways, gatekeeping, orientation policing, disrespect of asexuality as a concept, vulgar language, oblique reference to past sexual assault, awkward interactions between Shiv and Stan and Lawrence, intolerance of superpowers, awkward photography, calling Heron as a nuclear option, anxiety around angry people, confusion, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"As Gatekeeper to Your Life"
[Saturday, October 3, 2015]
The Old Market was bustling,
tables and trucks full of tomatoes,
potatoes, peppers, and onions.
There was no corn worth having,
but an abundance of colorful squash.
Shiv ordered a few bushels of
carnival squash, because people
loved the splash of orange, green,
and cream even if it tasted the same
as an ordinary acorn squash did.
He chuckled. Maybe he'd draw
a mask on one and make it into
a super-squash for the menu.
Inspired, he rooted through
the truck until he found one
that looked about right and
took a picture for reference.
The next had purple potatoes,
which Shiv ordered because
it never hurt to eat the rainbow.
The kale was pathetic, but
the beet greens looked good,
so he chose some of those too.
As Shiv turned the corner,
a gust of chill wind blew
in his face, mussing his hair
and making him shiver.
He zipped up the hoodie,
that Heron had given him,
which was mostly black and
gray with a few wide stripes of
purple and white here and there.
It was the only hand-me-down
that Shiv could remember liking.
The wind was whipping at the booths,
too, making the pretty paper streamers
and signs flap until they threatened to tear.
This whole row was mostly crafters
and political shit, more vulnerable
to the weather than vegetables.
Shiv grabbed the sign for
the nearest booth, which was
selling linen fabric, and held it
so the vendor could tape it down.
Beside him a black girl caught
the streamers that had come loose
and fastened them back in place.
"Thanks for helping," she said.
"I buy a lot of stuff here."
Shiv stroked a bolt of
black cloth, its crosshatch
dancing under his fingers.
"I can see why," he said.
"Yeah, I like that one for
making tablecloths and
cushion covers," she said
as they moved down the row.
The booth for the QUILTBAG Club
had a rainbow of crepe paper that
was now a large wad of knots.
As they untangled it, the woman
working the booth said, "Hi, I'm
Simone and I'm a lesbian."
"I'm Shiv, and I'm
asexual ... ish," he said.
"Me too," said the black girl.
"I think. My name is Kodee."
"That's hardly a thing," Simone said.
"Screw you too," Shiv snapped
as he turned to glare at her.
"No, I don't do men,"
Simone said coldly.
"Thank fuck," Shiv said.
"I am so not interested."
Simone rolled her eyes
at him. "Really there are only
three sexualities: heterosexual,
homosexual, and bisexual. Asexual
is something people invented so
they could feel special."
"Tell that to my cousin,"
Shiv drawled. "He's
been ace his whole life."
"There's way too many labels,"
Simone said as she sat down.
"Why can't we all be human?"
"Because some people aren't,
duh," said Shiv. "Haven't you
heard of animal soups, or primals?
Or the whole Maldivian Navy?"
The latter of which was also
sorta part of his family, but he
wasn't getting into that here.
"We're human, though,"
Simone said. "Asexuals are
just immature. It's a phase people
sometimes go through when they
can't accept being gay or lesbian.
Eventually they grow out of it."
Shiv winced at her words.
The one person he'd had
anything like a relationship with
had been Gray, but that didn't
make him gay, did it? They
didn't fuck, and besides, Gray
described himself as heterosexual.
"I'm not a big fan of labels either,"
Kodee said. "I just know I'm
not into men or women, so
asexual seems to fit better
than anything else. I don't
know, maybe I will find
another term someday."
"Same here," Shiv said.
"It's not exact, but it works."
Or at least, anything closer
creeped him the fuck out.
"Well then, you're not really
asexual anyway, you're just
questioning," Simone said.
"Lady, I have fucked around
enough to know that I don't like it,
even when I had sex on purpose."
Shiv said. "There is absolutely
no question about that."
"Is there a problem?"
said someone new.
Shiv turned around,
and stifled a groan.
Stan and Lawrence
weren't in uniform, but
that didn't mean they
wouldn't still meddle.
"Our argument is none
of your business," he said.
"We'd be happy to help,"
Lawrence said. "We've
had some ... less than
savory experiences with
the QUILTBAG Club ourselves."
"Yeah, they're supposed to be
more inclusive than they
actually are," Stan said.
"Beat it, Reindeer Games,"
Simone said with a sneer.
Just like that, Shiv
was so done with this.
"Welp, time to call backup."
"Don't drag your boss
into this," Stan warned.
"We do not need this
turning into a street fight."
"Oh, I'm nowhere near
that good of a mood today,"
Shiv growled, taking out
his phone. "You'll just have
to pretend this is a red one."
"What?" Stan said, baffled,
but Lawrence said, "Oh, no--"
"Yep, nuclear option," Shiv said,
turning it on the girl at the booth.
"Say cheese, cuntface!" He snapped
a picture, typed in a quick caption --
She said ace is just a phase.
Then he sent the message.
Next he tossed the phone to
Lawrence. "Now shoot us."
Brazenly Shiv turned his back
on the still-fuming dyke and
stepped closer to the black girl.
He stared right at the camera
as Lawrence took the picture,
striving to 'shout with his face'
as Heron had once put it.
When Shiv got the phone back,
he typed, Said me & her weren't
ace enough, then sent it.
Crossed in the mail, he
got a reply that simply read,
Do I need to come deal with it?
Yes, please, Shiv replied,
tacking on the address.
"If you're asking someone
to file a complaint for you,
will they even get here before
the market closes?" Simone said.
Shiv laughed in her face. "He knows
more teleporters than I could count.
After what you said, I give it less than
ten minutes." Then he remembered
how Heron had gone ballistic over
people picking on Mallory. "Well,
maybe more like five minutes."
Definitely time to be elsewhere.
Shiv sidled away from her.
"And you're just going
to walk away?" Stan said.
"Yeah, I called in an air strike,
I really don't want to be here
when it lands," Shiv said,
moving briskly along.
Curious, Kodee followed.
"You don't like the person
you called for backup?"
"I like him fine, but after
what I sent, he's gonna be
pissed," Shiv said. "I don't
want to be at ground zero.
I just want to make sure she
doesn't get away with that shit."
"Yeah, I'm with Shiv," said Lawrence.
"Let's get while the getting's good."
He wasn't entirely stupid, even if he
had gone back to his asshole boyfriend.
Lawrence even pulled Stan away
in the direction of a food booth,
but Kodee stuck around.
"You, um, sound like
you know more about
this stuff than I do,"
Kodee said softly.
"I guess," Shiv said
with a shrug. "It's more
like I hang out with folks
who do. And I don't like
pushy people either."
"She wasn't very nice,"
said Kodee. "I thought
QUILTBAG was supportive."
"Some of them are," Shiv said.
"The local one? Not so much."
Behind them he heard
the sharp sound of a teleport
and then the whip-crack
of Heron's voice.
"Turn here," Shiv said,
cornering at speed.
"That sounded like
trouble," Kodee said.
"Yep, but not for us,"
Shiv said. "I just don't like
being around people when
they get mad. Heron will
make sure she doesn't
get away with that crap.
She ain't the ace police."
Kodee giggled. "There's
a silly image," she said.
"I'm imagining one of
those Officer Bears,
but with a labrys axe."
That made Shiv laugh too.
"Yeah, but it's still true. Nobody
can understand your orientation
but you. It's not up to them."
"And if I don't understand it
either?" Kodee asked.
"Then you don't," Shiv said.
"That still doesn't mean anyone
else knows it better than you.
This shit is confusing sometimes."
"Yeah, it is," Kodee said.
"I don't like gatekeepers."
"It's like this -- you have to be
your own gatekeeper," Shiv said.
"What do you mean?" Kodee said.
"Your job is to be you, which includes
being the winner in everything you do right,
the loser in everything you do wrong, and
the one person on Earth who has to live with
every choice you make," Shiv explained.
"As gatekeeper to your life, you’re it."
"I like that," Kodee said. "But what
does it have to do with being asexual?
If that's even what we really are.
I mean, I think I am, but it's murky."
"So's life," Shiv said, thinking back
to what Heron had told him about it.
"Look, it doesn't matter what you 'are'
as a label. Do you wanna fuck?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Ew. No."
"Good, 'cause me neither," Shiv said.
"If you don't have pants feelings and
asexual seems like a decent fit, then
ace is what you are today. It doesn't
matter what you were last year or next.
It matters how you feel right now,
and that's all up to you to tell."
"So, ace," Kodee said. "Cool.
I like that better than the stuff in
the books. Where'd you hear it?"
"From someone who's been living it
longer than I've even known it had
a name, and who's better at words
than I ever will be," Shiv said.
"Voice of experience," Kodee said.
"Okay, that holds weight with me."
Shiv saw another food booth ahead
and said, "Hey, you wanna get lunch?
I'm basically done with shopping."
"Yeah, me too," Kodee said.
"We could maybe sit and talk?"
"That's what I was thinking,"
Shiv said. "I can give you
a website, too. It's got
some good stuff on it."
The Soup to Nuts site had
whole sections on orientation
and gender identity, of course.
Halley had done the agender page,
and Heron had done the asexual page.
Shiv had thought "My gender is cactus"
was so funny he'd drawn a cartoon of it,
and they'd actually put that on the page.
He might not know what he was doing
with this, but he was sure of one thing:
The Finns knew what they were doing.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so the notes appear separately.
ng_moonmoth, chanter1944, and bairnsidhe. It also fills the "Pretty Paper" square in my 7-1-20 card for the Winterfest in July Bingo. This poem has been sponsored by ng_moonmoth. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. The sequel "Speaking Up" by dialecticdreamer shows Heron's response.Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes blustery weather, a rude lesbian, an intolerant QUILTBAG Club, tentative sexual identities, which are challenged in rude ways, gatekeeping, orientation policing, disrespect of asexuality as a concept, vulgar language, oblique reference to past sexual assault, awkward interactions between Shiv and Stan and Lawrence, intolerance of superpowers, awkward photography, calling Heron as a nuclear option, anxiety around angry people, confusion, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"As Gatekeeper to Your Life"
[Saturday, October 3, 2015]
The Old Market was bustling,
tables and trucks full of tomatoes,
potatoes, peppers, and onions.
There was no corn worth having,
but an abundance of colorful squash.
Shiv ordered a few bushels of
carnival squash, because people
loved the splash of orange, green,
and cream even if it tasted the same
as an ordinary acorn squash did.
He chuckled. Maybe he'd draw
a mask on one and make it into
a super-squash for the menu.
Inspired, he rooted through
the truck until he found one
that looked about right and
took a picture for reference.
The next had purple potatoes,
which Shiv ordered because
it never hurt to eat the rainbow.
The kale was pathetic, but
the beet greens looked good,
so he chose some of those too.
As Shiv turned the corner,
a gust of chill wind blew
in his face, mussing his hair
and making him shiver.
He zipped up the hoodie,
that Heron had given him,
which was mostly black and
gray with a few wide stripes of
purple and white here and there.
It was the only hand-me-down
that Shiv could remember liking.
The wind was whipping at the booths,
too, making the pretty paper streamers
and signs flap until they threatened to tear.
This whole row was mostly crafters
and political shit, more vulnerable
to the weather than vegetables.
Shiv grabbed the sign for
the nearest booth, which was
selling linen fabric, and held it
so the vendor could tape it down.
Beside him a black girl caught
the streamers that had come loose
and fastened them back in place.
"Thanks for helping," she said.
"I buy a lot of stuff here."
Shiv stroked a bolt of
black cloth, its crosshatch
dancing under his fingers.
"I can see why," he said.
"Yeah, I like that one for
making tablecloths and
cushion covers," she said
as they moved down the row.
The booth for the QUILTBAG Club
had a rainbow of crepe paper that
was now a large wad of knots.
As they untangled it, the woman
working the booth said, "Hi, I'm
Simone and I'm a lesbian."
"I'm Shiv, and I'm
asexual ... ish," he said.
"Me too," said the black girl.
"I think. My name is Kodee."
"That's hardly a thing," Simone said.
"Screw you too," Shiv snapped
as he turned to glare at her.
"No, I don't do men,"
Simone said coldly.
"Thank fuck," Shiv said.
"I am so not interested."
Simone rolled her eyes
at him. "Really there are only
three sexualities: heterosexual,
homosexual, and bisexual. Asexual
is something people invented so
they could feel special."
"Tell that to my cousin,"
Shiv drawled. "He's
been ace his whole life."
"There's way too many labels,"
Simone said as she sat down.
"Why can't we all be human?"
"Because some people aren't,
duh," said Shiv. "Haven't you
heard of animal soups, or primals?
Or the whole Maldivian Navy?"
The latter of which was also
sorta part of his family, but he
wasn't getting into that here.
"We're human, though,"
Simone said. "Asexuals are
just immature. It's a phase people
sometimes go through when they
can't accept being gay or lesbian.
Eventually they grow out of it."
Shiv winced at her words.
The one person he'd had
anything like a relationship with
had been Gray, but that didn't
make him gay, did it? They
didn't fuck, and besides, Gray
described himself as heterosexual.
"I'm not a big fan of labels either,"
Kodee said. "I just know I'm
not into men or women, so
asexual seems to fit better
than anything else. I don't
know, maybe I will find
another term someday."
"Same here," Shiv said.
"It's not exact, but it works."
Or at least, anything closer
creeped him the fuck out.
"Well then, you're not really
asexual anyway, you're just
questioning," Simone said.
"Lady, I have fucked around
enough to know that I don't like it,
even when I had sex on purpose."
Shiv said. "There is absolutely
no question about that."
"Is there a problem?"
said someone new.
Shiv turned around,
and stifled a groan.
Stan and Lawrence
weren't in uniform, but
that didn't mean they
wouldn't still meddle.
"Our argument is none
of your business," he said.
"We'd be happy to help,"
Lawrence said. "We've
had some ... less than
savory experiences with
the QUILTBAG Club ourselves."
"Yeah, they're supposed to be
more inclusive than they
actually are," Stan said.
"Beat it, Reindeer Games,"
Simone said with a sneer.
Just like that, Shiv
was so done with this.
"Welp, time to call backup."
"Don't drag your boss
into this," Stan warned.
"We do not need this
turning into a street fight."
"Oh, I'm nowhere near
that good of a mood today,"
Shiv growled, taking out
his phone. "You'll just have
to pretend this is a red one."
"What?" Stan said, baffled,
but Lawrence said, "Oh, no--"
"Yep, nuclear option," Shiv said,
turning it on the girl at the booth.
"Say cheese, cuntface!" He snapped
a picture, typed in a quick caption --
She said ace is just a phase.
Then he sent the message.
Next he tossed the phone to
Lawrence. "Now shoot us."
Brazenly Shiv turned his back
on the still-fuming dyke and
stepped closer to the black girl.
He stared right at the camera
as Lawrence took the picture,
striving to 'shout with his face'
as Heron had once put it.
When Shiv got the phone back,
he typed, Said me & her weren't
ace enough, then sent it.
Crossed in the mail, he
got a reply that simply read,
Do I need to come deal with it?
Yes, please, Shiv replied,
tacking on the address.
"If you're asking someone
to file a complaint for you,
will they even get here before
the market closes?" Simone said.
Shiv laughed in her face. "He knows
more teleporters than I could count.
After what you said, I give it less than
ten minutes." Then he remembered
how Heron had gone ballistic over
people picking on Mallory. "Well,
maybe more like five minutes."
Definitely time to be elsewhere.
Shiv sidled away from her.
"And you're just going
to walk away?" Stan said.
"Yeah, I called in an air strike,
I really don't want to be here
when it lands," Shiv said,
moving briskly along.
Curious, Kodee followed.
"You don't like the person
you called for backup?"
"I like him fine, but after
what I sent, he's gonna be
pissed," Shiv said. "I don't
want to be at ground zero.
I just want to make sure she
doesn't get away with that shit."
"Yeah, I'm with Shiv," said Lawrence.
"Let's get while the getting's good."
He wasn't entirely stupid, even if he
had gone back to his asshole boyfriend.
Lawrence even pulled Stan away
in the direction of a food booth,
but Kodee stuck around.
"You, um, sound like
you know more about
this stuff than I do,"
Kodee said softly.
"I guess," Shiv said
with a shrug. "It's more
like I hang out with folks
who do. And I don't like
pushy people either."
"She wasn't very nice,"
said Kodee. "I thought
QUILTBAG was supportive."
"Some of them are," Shiv said.
"The local one? Not so much."
Behind them he heard
the sharp sound of a teleport
and then the whip-crack
of Heron's voice.
"Turn here," Shiv said,
cornering at speed.
"That sounded like
trouble," Kodee said.
"Yep, but not for us,"
Shiv said. "I just don't like
being around people when
they get mad. Heron will
make sure she doesn't
get away with that crap.
She ain't the ace police."
Kodee giggled. "There's
a silly image," she said.
"I'm imagining one of
those Officer Bears,
but with a labrys axe."
That made Shiv laugh too.
"Yeah, but it's still true. Nobody
can understand your orientation
but you. It's not up to them."
"And if I don't understand it
either?" Kodee asked.
"Then you don't," Shiv said.
"That still doesn't mean anyone
else knows it better than you.
This shit is confusing sometimes."
"Yeah, it is," Kodee said.
"I don't like gatekeepers."
"It's like this -- you have to be
your own gatekeeper," Shiv said.
"What do you mean?" Kodee said.
"Your job is to be you, which includes
being the winner in everything you do right,
the loser in everything you do wrong, and
the one person on Earth who has to live with
every choice you make," Shiv explained.
"As gatekeeper to your life, you’re it."
"I like that," Kodee said. "But what
does it have to do with being asexual?
If that's even what we really are.
I mean, I think I am, but it's murky."
"So's life," Shiv said, thinking back
to what Heron had told him about it.
"Look, it doesn't matter what you 'are'
as a label. Do you wanna fuck?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Ew. No."
"Good, 'cause me neither," Shiv said.
"If you don't have pants feelings and
asexual seems like a decent fit, then
ace is what you are today. It doesn't
matter what you were last year or next.
It matters how you feel right now,
and that's all up to you to tell."
"So, ace," Kodee said. "Cool.
I like that better than the stuff in
the books. Where'd you hear it?"
"From someone who's been living it
longer than I've even known it had
a name, and who's better at words
than I ever will be," Shiv said.
"Voice of experience," Kodee said.
"Okay, that holds weight with me."
Shiv saw another food booth ahead
and said, "Hey, you wanna get lunch?
I'm basically done with shopping."
"Yeah, me too," Kodee said.
"We could maybe sit and talk?"
"That's what I was thinking,"
Shiv said. "I can give you
a website, too. It's got
some good stuff on it."
The Soup to Nuts site had
whole sections on orientation
and gender identity, of course.
Halley had done the agender page,
and Heron had done the asexual page.
Shiv had thought "My gender is cactus"
was so funny he'd drawn a cartoon of it,
and they'd actually put that on the page.
He might not know what he was doing
with this, but he was sure of one thing:
The Finns knew what they were doing.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so the notes appear separately.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-07-13 02:06 am (UTC)I Hated questioning when I was, the uncertainty drove me nuts and it was not an identity I enjoyed. I realized bisexual fit and I COULD use it without being 100% sure, when during a discussion group, a much older person said she Still sometimes questioned after 20 years as identifying bi. Bc it's not 50/50 every day and sometimes it changes. So I keep that, bc it fits, even though by definition alone Pan might fit me better and demisexual can make the whole point moot. Bc it has to feel right for you, not anyone else.
Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-13 02:34 am (UTC)Yay! I'm happy to hear that.
>> I Hated questioning when I was, the uncertainty drove me nuts and it was not an identity I enjoyed.<<
Bummer. Questioning should be a natural process that many people go through, in sexuality as in many other parts of life. It's all about figuring out who you are.
>> I realized bisexual fit and I COULD use it without being 100% sure, when during a discussion group, a much older person said she Still sometimes questioned after 20 years as identifying bi. Bc it's not 50/50 every day and sometimes it changes. So I keep that, bc it fits, even though by definition alone Pan might fit me better and demisexual can make the whole point moot. Bc it has to feel right for you, not anyone else.<<
Go you!
I went through several terms along the way. It wasn't that I was uncertain about myself, but rather trying to find a way to describe it in English.
I found queer early on, and still like that as an umbrella term. It's accurate but nonspecific.
In college I went with pansexual or omnisexual. These are reasonable terms insofar as I don't determine sexual compatibility based on crotch shape.
I have said that my sexual orientation is redheads. It's not that I only want to bang redheads. It's that this is the one physical feature that consistently makes me want to go "I'd tap that" the way straight men feel about female bodies.
Along around in here, I realized that I was using primarily very different patterns than other people, owing to my farmemory, and coined the term metasexual. Because I'm really more attracted to souls than bodies.
There are some things that I've known all along, but didn't find terms for until much later.
Sapiosexual -- I am attracted to intelligence.
I also have a competence kink.
Skoliosexual -- I am attracted to people outside the sex/gender binary concept.
And this is why I sometimes say that my sexuality is a tesseract. It's not one spectrum. It's a whole bunch of them all connecting together, folding around themselves like a cosmic fidget.
I once ran across a section in a Cthulhu Mythos story in which an Old One was rotating through the fourth dimension, showing its innards. That is how people react when the aspects of my personality rotate -- like I'm showing off my insides, and it makes people squeamish to see that, and sometimes drives them mad.
So yeah. Tesseract.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-07-14 04:00 am (UTC)And, YES, it's what's right for _you_, and whoever (singular or plural) you choose to share with.
Well ...
Date: 2020-07-14 04:08 am (UTC)The people at the far ends -- gay, straight, etc. -- tend to think of themselves has having only a specific type of desire. For some this is likely true. For others, however, they're getting that impression because the exceptions are few and far between.
This can cause distress when one of those rare examples manifests. For instance, someone thinks he's straight but finds out that his spouse is trans, which means he himself was attracted to something different than his usual. Other times, people just fall in love by spending their lives together, and it's not even necessarily sexual or romantic, but it can really freak people out.
So don't put too much weight on it. Don't assume that how things are now is how they've always been and always will be. Don't mistake "haven't" for "can't" or "won't." It's enough that it is what it is right now. That doesn't mean you have all the possible datapoints in the set.
Re: Well ...
Date: 2020-07-14 05:50 am (UTC)There's "is" and there's "was" and after two major transformations alreddie I don't fret too much about "will be" because the only constant is change...
I've seen at least two relationships survive a transition, and one fail at the point of transition and one relationship fail well after the fact for reasons unknown... and one relationship survive (so far) both partners changing pronouns, in opposite directions. I think it is that the relationships that survived did so because the partner presented with the transition already had a certain amount of mental plasticity about relationships...
I already knew that at least some orientations aren't hardwired. The fact that I'm married to whom I'm married is proof of that... I just hadn't expected me to be one of'em. WELP...
At least this time it was a very pleasant experience, on the whole.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-07-13 02:43 am (UTC)Shiv might not want to be within earshot when the metaphorical nuclear strike lands, but I would! I'd so stick around to hear everything going down, just safely clear of the likely impact site. Somebody reeeeeeally or somebodys need to read that whole quiltbag club the dang riot act. Maybe multiple other queerfolk from within the community are sick and tired of the uber gatekeeper jerks letting the side down, and tell them so?
*Read elsewhere. If I'm remembering the acronym correctly, it stood for feminism appropriated by radical transphobes.
Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-13 02:55 am (UTC)Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't need a belt. I could just stand there and watch pieces fall off her reality tunnel trying to fit it around me. Happened a lot in college.
>> That kind of casual... dismissal? disrespect? neither of those seem strong enough, really burns me up. I bet she's a horrible TERF/FART*, too.<<
Yep.
>> Shiv might not want to be within earshot when the metaphorical nuclear strike lands, but I would!<<
It's past damage from growing up in foster care where people yelling equated to bad things happening to Shiv. He knows, intellectually, that Heron won't hit him; but emotionally, Shiv finds angry people to be scary and angry Finns to be terrifying. Which is sensible given the amount of damage a pissed-off Finn can do.
>> I'd so stick around to hear everything going down, just safely clear of the likely impact site. <<
Me too.
>> Somebody reeeeeeally or somebodys need to read that whole quiltbag club the dang riot act. <<
I believe
>> Maybe multiple other queerfolk from within the community are sick and tired of the uber gatekeeper jerks letting the side down, and tell them so? <<
*sigh* I believe what's happening in Omaha is the same thing I've seen with other entrenched groups -- someone repugnant has a lock on the official gather, which prevents another from being created in the same town, which drives people away. The local QUILTBAG community is likely scattered as a result. The "club" is actually a conglomerate of specific little bigots who probably consist of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals currently with a same-sex partner. 0_o
On the bright side, Heron will probably call NHCO fast enough to make his phone smoke, so the club as it stands should get disbanded. Hopefully it will be replaced with something more functional.
>> *Read elsewhere. If I'm remembering the acronym correctly, it stood for feminism appropriated by radical transphobes.<<
Feminism appropriating reactionary transphobes. :D
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-13 06:25 am (UTC)college guys approaching me- *see's body* ARE YOU GAY, YOURE GAY WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANNA HOOKUP AND HAVE A MORE-SOME!!!!
Me- No. I am not gay. I don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a partner. No I don't Hook Up. I don't Party.
college guy- WHAAA?????!!!!!!????
*back and forth for 10 minutes*
guy walks away muttering and frustrated...
me 5 hours later to female classmate....Was he trying to hit on me at some point?
female classmate- He was practically eye-f%&@#!@$!@ you, yes he was trying to flirt.
***LAUGHS** I break everyone's brains because I just AM... and part of what I am is socially clueless
drives people nuts.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-13 08:06 am (UTC)And that used to signal "freeze and try not to attract attention" at the same time my body wanted to go into full flight mode ("fight" was not even *considered* as an option).
I still react badly to that tone, but it's more of an internal cringe these days.
Ah triggers... sometimes useful, but mostly a pain.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-13 08:15 am (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-07-14 05:47 pm (UTC)Re taking a swing: Just for the record, I meant belt as in smack heartily with a hand, not as in actually use a belt on. Yikes.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-07-14 10:32 am (UTC)Well ...
Date: 2020-07-14 10:36 am (UTC)Re: Well ...
Date: 2020-07-14 12:09 pm (UTC)Re: Well ...
Date: 2020-07-14 08:21 pm (UTC)speaking of "ace enough"
Date: 2020-07-13 05:39 am (UTC)What would you call someone who enjoys the physical sensations of sex, possibly in a sensation-play sort of way but does not feel attracted to other people in the way most people seem to?
I'm leaning toward sex-positive asexual or grey-ace but would love to hear other opinions.
Re: speaking of "ace enough"
Date: 2020-07-13 06:15 am (UTC)Re: speaking of "ace enough"
Date: 2020-07-13 07:10 am (UTC)There are various options. Largely it depends on how they identify themselves, but here are some possible distinctions:
* If they enjoy sexyfuntimes alone but not with others, or less with others, consider autoerotic asexual.
* If they enjoy sexyfuntimes with others, but only the part where they rub bits together and not the whole rigamarole that most people get into -- especially the attachments between people -- consider aromantic sexual.
* If they enjoy the sensations of sex once it's happening, but feel little or no urge to go and get some, consider graysexual or asexual.
* There is a concept of nonerotic sexual release. In Asian massage, it's called a "happy ending." English/America do not seem to have this concept. For some people, the pure physical pleasure seems an end unto itself, without the trappings of sexiness or romance that the mainstream tends to include.
Compare with kink. For many people it is sexual. But for others it is only sensual. People can have a sensual orientation that differs from their sex and/or romance ones. It's not hard to figure that some folks might feel similarly about their genitals -- especially if they don't think of their genitals differently than the rest o their body, which is a thing that happens to some asexuals. It's as if everyone else had a weird fascination with elbows.
Anyhow, I happen to have an example of this: see "Like Cherries Harmonizing Pussycats."
uh oh
Date: 2020-07-13 06:14 am (UTC)where's the Klaxon when you need it! "Clear the area, this is NOT A DRILL!!"
that Karen totally deserved it.
Did Stan stay for the fallout or did Lawrence drag him clear before his fool head got healer/empath-blasted sideways?? (I KNOW MOLLY IS THE EMPATH but Heron acts like one most of the time) Not that Stan couldn't take a few rounds, he's getting more and more stable as time goes on, he may even reach Emotional Fallout Shelter Status one day....but that takes a TON of work. Or to be STEEPED in Finn culture from toddle-dom
Re: uh oh
Date: 2020-07-13 06:49 am (UTC)No shit.
>> where's the Klaxon when you need it! "Clear the area, this is NOT A DRILL!!" <<
I think Shiv actually did a great job of alerting people to get away.
>> that Karen totally deserved it. <<
Yep.
Did Stan stay for the fallout or did >> Lawrence drag him clear before his fool head got healer/empath-blasted sideways?? <<
I don't know,
>> (I KNOW MOLLY IS THE EMPATH but Heron acts like one most of the time) <<
Well, healers often have some ability to read emotions via physical signals -- heart rate, breathing, sweating, hormone fluctuations, etc. It gives them similar information via a different route. It doesn't feel the same way, though, and the nuances attained are very different. A healer has less precise identification of subtle emotions, but can often see quite clearly where a given person stores that emotion in the body.
>> Not that Stan couldn't take a few rounds, he's getting more and more stable as time goes on, he may even reach Emotional Fallout Shelter Status one day....but that takes a TON of work. Or to be STEEPED in Finn culture from toddle-dom<<
All true.
Re: uh oh
Date: 2020-07-14 01:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-07-13 02:35 pm (UTC)