Poem: "The Courage to Admit Them"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This poem is spillover from the December 4, 2018 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from wyld_dandelyon, curiosity, and rix_scaedu. It also fills the "allergic reaction" square in my 6-23-19 card for the hc_bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with ng_moonmoth, fuzzyred, mashfanficchick, erulisse, technoshaman, bairnsidhe, eseme, EdorFaus, and torc87. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. It is the third in a triptych after "Cut With Our Own Dust" and "How We Correct Them."

Warning: This poem contains some touchy topics. Highlight to see the detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes guilt, emotional dysphoria, reluctance, self-blame, fumbling apologies, painfully awkward social dynamics, touch aversion, worry, parting of ways, and other angst. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.


"The Courage to Admit Them"

[Sunday, March 22, 2015]

Shiv slunk through the Gene Leahy Mall,
looking for the orange Serenity bench where
he had agreed to meet Stan and Lawrence.

He didn't want to apologize for his share
of yesterday's clusterfuck, but neither did he
want to keep stewing in borrowed guilt.

When he got there, Stan and Lawrence
were already waiting by the bench.

Shiv lifted his chin, expecting to get
scolded for being late, not like he cared.

"Right on time," Stan said instead.

"You said two o'clock," Shiv said coolly.
He sidled to the bench but didn't sit down.

"Okay, you asked for a meeting,"
Lawrence said. "What do you want?"

"Came to apologize for yesterday,"
Shiv said through his teeth.

"What for?" Lawrence said.

Shiv glanced at the notes
on his vidwatch. "I picked
a fight with Stan. It was
wrong. I apologize."

"Well ... you seemed
to be enjoying yourself
yesterday," Stan said.

"I was," Shiv said.
"Then it went to shit."

"That's one thing we
agree on," Lawrence said.

Shiv sighed. "I just feel
like crap, okay? And I
shouldn't, because I'm
a supervillain, and I like
doing things like that."

"Damn," Lawrence said. "I
thought you'd gotten away with it,
but that sounds like it could be
some kind of energy mixup after all.
What have you tried to fix it?"

"This," Shiv said, waving a hand
at them. "I know a guy, told him what
happened -- well, some of it -- and
asked what to do. He told me
to apologize, so here I am."

"How is that working
for you?" Lawrence said.
"How do you feel now?"

"Stupid," said Shiv. "I don't
know what's going wrong with it,
something just feels off about it --
on top of this whole shitshow
not feeling like me at all."

"Thank you," Stan said.
"It means a lot to me that
you tried to put things right,
even if you're still kind of
groping your way through it."

Shiv flinched. "I know I'm
fucked up, okay? You don't
gotta rub it in like that!" he said.

"Careful, Stan doesn't really
know his own strength yet,"
Lawrence warned. "Sometimes
he hits harder than he means to."

"Hey," Stan said. "I worked hard
to gain control of my abilities!"

"Your superpowers, sure,"
said Lawrence. "You still have
no idea how much social weight
you have, so you swing it around like
a log, and sometimes that's scary."

"I'm sorry," Stan said. "I didn't know."

"Yeah, we didn't know a lot of shit, or
we wouldn't be in this mess," Shiv said.

"I know," Stan said. "If apologizing
isn't making you feel any better ..."

"Okay, let's try a different angle,"
Lawrence said. "Stan, when you
have a disagreement with someone,
what makes it feel settled to you?"

"When the other person isn't
upset with me anymore,
of course," Stan said.

"And if it ain't forgivable?"
Shiv said, narrowing his eyes.

That had been his experience.
Most people wouldn't let it go.

"Mistakes are always forgivable
if one has the courage to admit
them," Stan said earnestly.

"Are we far enough along
for that to apply here?"
Lawrence asked him.

"I think so." Stan turned
to face Shiv. "I forgive you."
Then he held out his hand.

"Shake," Lawrence murmured.

"Like hell," Shiv said as
he took a step back.

"That's okay, guys, I know
another version," Stan said.
He wrapped a hand over
his fist and bowed a little.

Shiv returned it out of habit,
he'd spent so much time in prison
using the Rock-and-Water salute.

A little of the tension eased.

"Shiv? Do you feel any better
now?" Lawrence asked him.

Shiv rolled his shoulders.
"Yeah, maybe some."

Stan grinned at him.
"Whew, that's a relief.
We may not agree on ...
well, much of anything, but
I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Wasn't your dumbass idea,"
Shiv pointed out. He'd gotten
himself into the mess, and them too.

"I'm still sorry if I hurt you," Stan said.
"It's one thing to have a street fight,
but you falling over really scared me."

"Iforgiveyou," Shiv blurted to get it
over with and maybe shut him up.

"Then we're square," Stan said.

"Square," Shiv agreed, in hopes
of getting the hell out of there.

"See you around," Lawrence said,
and tugged Stan away from the bench.

Shiv watched them go. He maybe
kinda missed Lawrence, sometimes,
but Lawrence would rather be with Stan ...
and Shiv had his own people too.

Differences, like mistakes,
weren't as prone to trip you up
if you had the courage to admit them.

And maybe that was okay.

* * *

Notes:

"Mistakes are always forgivable if one has the courage to admit them."
-- Bruce Lee

Here is the Gene Leahy Mall in spring. It includes a number of sculptural benches, which make great landmarks for meeting people. The Serenity Bench is orange with two square white rails.

Self-blame is a form of internalized emotional abuse, common among survivors of abuse or other trauma. Shiv's crappy childhood has left him with a tendency to blame himself. Follow the steps to let go of self-blame.

A meaningful apology consists of several parts. Understand how to apologize. Teaching kids to apologize is a part of parenting, but not everyone learns it. Forcing people to apologize just teaches lying and manipulation; instead, encourage them to express their feelings and offer practical recompense with a concrete apology. A reduced penalty is another incentive for sincere apology.

Forgiveness is a virtue that is distinct from other related concepts. It is impossible to avoid all mishaps, so what matters is how you handle it when things go wrong. Know how to forgive someone for hurting you and how to forgive yourself for making mistakes.

Terramagne-America encourages people to make their own plans, with help if wanted or needed. Variations of "How is that working for you?" are used to gauge progress. Here's an example from Brief Action Planning with a flow chart. This concept applies to most problem-solving situations, and it's something that anyone can learn to use.

Stan has worked diligently to master his superpowers, but in the social sphere he doesn't know his own strength. He is popular, successful, and just doesn't grasp how much impact he can have on people who aren't.

The Rock and Water program teaches a variety of useful skills. See handouts for the salute, self-worth, compliments vs. insults, and sportsmanship.

Comments

[sweet_sparrow]

Awwwwww. The fact that Shiv and Stan don't get along (and no one's forcing them to try) makes my heart bleed in the best way possible. <3 Watching them find common ground - sort of; for a while - is so precious.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Awwwwww. The fact that Shiv and Stan don't get along (and no one's forcing them to try) makes my heart bleed in the best way possible. <3 <<

I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. They really need that freedom. They're so far apart, it's impossible for them to be really close with each other, and pushing would be bad.

>> Watching them find common ground - sort of; for a while - is so precious.<<

:D What relationship they have will live on those little slivers. A lot of it depends on a mutual willingness to nerf their responses to each other for the sake of not tearing Lawrence in half.

Over time, Stan and Lawrence may find other things they agree on. That will be interesting to watch. The hardest part will be overcoming prejudices about each other, or the opposite side of the cape in general.

Re: Thoughts

[sweet_sparrow]

Over time, Stan and Lawrence may find other things they agree on. That will be interesting to watch. The hardest part will be overcoming prejudices about each other, or the opposite side of the cape in general.

Yeah, once they've done a fair bit of growing and can/have dealt with some of their prejudices, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up with some level of (grudging) respect for the other. I mean, even in this triptych we can see that they have some slivers of overlap: valuing human lives for example. They don't feel exactly the same way about how to do that, I'm sure, but I get the impression they'd both agree that minimising harm is important?

They might never be close friends, but I could see them at least building a working relationship down the line. (If they can get that, I could totally see a future Boss Shiv deciding that the best way to deal with a situation is to call Lawrence and ask Stan to whack someone with social clout.)

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Yeah, once they've done a fair bit of growing and can/have dealt with some of their prejudices, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up with some level of (grudging) respect for the other. <<

I think so. There are enough other combinations like that to make it plausible. It's a thing people do in Terramagne, much more than mainstream comics.

>> I mean, even in this triptych we can see that they have some slivers of overlap: valuing human lives for example. They don't feel exactly the same way about how to do that, I'm sure, but I get the impression they'd both agree that minimising harm is important? <<

That's true. Shiv will do no end of mischief, but he doesn't want to kill people.

>> They might never be close friends, but I could see them at least building a working relationship down the line. <<

We can hope. :D

>> (If they can get that, I could totally see a future Boss Shiv deciding that the best way to deal with a situation is to call Lawrence and ask Stan to whack someone with social clout.) <<

It will be Boss Cheshire, actually.

*laugh* You have correctly identified Lawrence as the rocker. He is vital to the future of Omaha, because he has a foot on both sides of the cape divide. He can talk with people from both sides and help work out an agreement that everyone can live with.

I think it would be hilarious to see Boss Cheshire using Stan as a less-violent, but effective, tool of the trade.

Re: Thoughts

[sweet_sparrow]

That's true. Shiv will do no end of mischief, but he doesn't want to kill people.

We have found a thing they have in common! You know, other than liking Lawrence. And this one? Differences in ethics aside, this is a really important one for these two to have in common for future conflict resolution when they both have more clout than they do now. I am asquee.

*laugh* You have correctly identified Lawrence as the rocker.

Well, it's like you say, isn't it? Lawrence's got a foot on both sides. And both Shiv and Stan are too far from the middle to even think about trying to set a foot on the other side. They need Lawrence to buffer between them. Not just because of their opposing views, but because of their opposing personalities. They're... idk, like elements that don't mingle unless you add a third one? And that's Lawrence. ^_^

I can see Shiv and Stan respect each other as individuals from a distance, but Shiv calling Stan directly for any kind of help? Nooooooooope. Can't see that unless the circumstances are... dire.

And bless Lawrence, he is the best. Good thing he's also genuinely interested in working with people from both sides!

I think it would be hilarious to see Boss Cheshire using Stan as a less-violent, but effective, tool of the trade.

Exactly. Although Stan might object to that characterisation. ^-~ It'd be hilarious, though. At least with supervillains who don't know Boss Cheshire or haven't known him long. I'd imagine that his crew would pick up on the benefits of Stan offering to help resolve things less violently really quickly and almost look forward to Stan's help (at least at times), especially if Lawrence chips in to buffer Stan's natural tendency to inspire people to do good deeds. You can see how freaked out Shiv got just thinking he'd lose supervillainy because of Stan's influence, after all. If they can get a working relationships as adults, they'll definitely be a really intriguing set to follow just because of how the dynamics play out. Throw in Terramagne's general stronger aptitude at social care and I wouldn't be surprised if between the three of them Omaha became one of the best cities to live in in the entire world when they're adults.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> We have found a thing they have in common! You know, other than liking Lawrence. <<

Liking Lawrence is as much a bone of contention between them as a bit of common ground. Shiv really believes that Stan is a dick and Lawrence deserves better.

>> And this one? Differences in ethics aside, this is a really important one for these two to have in common for future conflict resolution when they both have more clout than they do now. I am asquee.<<

True. Feel free to ask for more of this during any relevant prompt call.

>> Well, it's like you say, isn't it? Lawrence's got a foot on both sides. And both Shiv and Stan are too far from the middle to even think about trying to set a foot on the other side. They need Lawrence to buffer between them. Not just because of their opposing views, but because of their opposing personalities.<<

Yes, exactly.

>> They're... idk, like elements that don't mingle unless you add a third one? And that's Lawrence. ^_^ <<

I am reminded of the Chemical Party. :D

>> I can see Shiv and Stan respect each other as individuals from a distance, but Shiv calling Stan directly for any kind of help? Nooooooooope. Can't see that unless the circumstances are... dire.<<

That is, someone is trying to destroy the city and/or Antimatter already went down.

Call Stalwart Stan and step waaaay back.

>> And bless Lawrence, he is the best. Good thing he's also genuinely interested in working with people from both sides! <<

I think it's because there's a balance in Lawrence that makes him feel connected to both sides of the cape.

>> Exactly. Although Stan might object to that characterisation. ^-~ It'd be hilarious, though.<<

True.

>> At least with supervillains who don't know Boss Cheshire or haven't known him long. I'd imagine that his crew would pick up on the benefits of Stan offering to help resolve things less violently really quickly and almost look forward to Stan's help (at least at times), especially if Lawrence chips in to buffer Stan's natural tendency to inspire people to do good deeds. <<

It's the buffer that makes it work.

>> You can see how freaked out Shiv got just thinking he'd lose supervillainy because of Stan's influence, after all. <<

Well, yeah. That's his livelihood as well as his identity.

>> If they can get a working relationships as adults, they'll definitely be a really intriguing set to follow just because of how the dynamics play out. Throw in Terramagne's general stronger aptitude at social care and I wouldn't be surprised if between the three of them Omaha became one of the best cities to live in in the entire world when they're adults.<<

I think it will. :D