How to Care Less About What People Think

[ysabetwordsmith]

marginaliana wished for this in snowflake_challenge.

Caring less about what other people think has two aspects, thinking better of yourself and worrying less about others. The first is relatively safe. The second is riskier. First, the moment you assert boundaries, everyone who enjoyed treating you as a doormat will object, sometimes violently. Second, if you take it too far, you can turn into a jerk, which is rarely the goal. With that in mind ...


Knowing yourself is the first step to caring less about what people think. Until you know that, you can't tell the difference between what you think and what they think, which is a horrible problem to have. Get to know yourself. Here are some questions that may help.

Understand self-worth, which is different from self-esteem. In essence, self-worth is about being a good person and knowing your strengths, while self-esteem is a good opinion of yourself (justified or not). There are many ways to build your self-worth, such as developing virtues and skills. Realize that this is a lifelong practice, not a checklist to get through. When you work on yourself, you create a strong foundation to think well of yourself rather than looking outside for comparisons or approval.

Learn about self-compassion and practice it. Here are some exercises. This will help you avoid beating up on yourself or making negative comparisons to other people.

Personal boundaries come in various types. They should be semi-permeable, not loose or rigid. You need these to prevent other people's problems from becoming your problems. Here are some worksheets. There are also ways to form a mental shield to protect yourself from what other people think. If you feel like folks are flinging crap at you, they probably are, and this is how you can block it.

Assertiveness is a skill you will need to set and maintain boundaries, because other people will try to manipulate you. It applies to various situations. Learn how to be assertive and ways to say no. Just remember, don't be a dick. You can be both tactful and assertive.

Pay less attention to what other people think. You will learn some interesting things this way. Focus in other directions.

You need to set goals to give yourself something to focus on besides other people. Learn how to set goals. Some people like the SMART goal approach. However, there are many options; here are some goal-setting worksheets. For fannish activity in particular, consider creative bingo. A community like allbingo will give you prompts, and you can decide on goals like "I will write 5 short fanfics to make bingo."

Finally, build a good support network. Good friends will shore you up; they'll say "Go you!" when you succeed and "That sucks, but you can try again tomorrow" when you fail. Bad friends will tear you down. So one oblique method of not worrying what people think is to surround yourself with people who don't say worrisome things to you. Here are some ways to build your support network and a worksheet.

Comments

[teigh_corvus]

Holy Moly!
[That does seem to be my default to you, it seems. *g*]
There is so much here to explore. What an excellent toolkit!

[cmcmck]

And sometimes being plain what some would perceive as selfish is the only survival technique left!

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Painfully true.

[iamnotgod]

Looking through those self-compassion exercises, and... that's basically what I'm doing thanks to journal roleplay. XD

Hopefully this doesn't mean my characters are running my life or anything; I've heard that sort of thing is to be avoided.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Looking through those self-compassion exercises, and... that's basically what I'm doing thanks to journal roleplay. XD <<

Yay!

>> Hopefully this doesn't mean my characters are running my life or anything; I've heard that sort of thing is to be avoided. <<

*eyeroll* Okay, it's like this. If you have character, voices, etc. then examine the content. Do they tell you to hurt yourself or someone else? That would be bad, even if it claims to be God. Do they tell you to treat yourself gently or help you solve problems? That would be good, even if other people think it's weird.

One time, I got a bee in my hair. My best idea was to freeze in place and wait for it to work its way out. But one of my characters had the idea of putting a comb between the bee and my face, and combing it out. That worked. It was a better idea than I had, and I was able to follow it just as well as if it had come from a friend standing next to me.

So if you've got characters encouraging you in positive directions and helping you with personal growth homework, go with that. Screw what anyone else says.

Re: Thoughts

[iamnotgod]

I was thinking something more in the lines of the concern described in this post, or alternatively invoking a disorder just for a writing sounding board. I don't have a dissociative identity disorder going on as far as I'm aware (or something less clinically-phrased), I'm just autistic. :P

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

Well, it's certainly possible to have your creativity run away with you. Whether and how you manage that is up to you.

Me, I can channel it ... somewhat. I can choose a topic. I can choose a time. I cannot turn it off and leave it off; it will spurt out sideways.

[johnpalmer]

I find myself wondering (rhetorically) if this is "I care too much, how can I care less?" or if it's "how could I have the attitude of 'I could care less...'" which I always assumed was said ironically, until it morphed into "I could care less" meaning its opposite - that one has reached caring infimum.

I understand what you say about self esteem, but I think that the original idea behind the phrase was to hold yourself in esteem, the way you would others. You're right, though: if someone says "self esteem" today, the odds are good that they mean "feeling good about yourself, just because."

I think that's a good sign of how our society isn't all that healthy. Some people starve for self-affirmation because they've been taught they don't deserve it; others glom on to an overabundance; there's little imagining of a balanced, aware, and proud, humility.

It's interesting too - there probably are issues where self esteem is over valued, but how much of the counter-"self esteem" is based on scorn, for giving people undeserved good opinions of themselves, even if the good opinion is properly well deserved for anyone?

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I think that the original idea behind the phrase was to hold yourself in esteem, the way you would others.<<

Possibly so.

>> You're right, though: if someone says "self esteem" today, the odds are good that they mean "feeling good about yourself, just because." <<

Yeah. They even manage to miss the boat about intrinsic worth: the idea that all people have value because they are people, and life is not to be wasted.

>> I think that's a good sign of how our society isn't all that healthy. <<

I agree.

>> Some people starve for self-affirmation because they've been taught they don't deserve it; others glom on to an overabundance; there's little imagining of a balanced, aware, and proud, humility.<<

I think it's because people are crammed together and that makes them crazy. Overpopulation drives any species to destructive behavior. It also damages boundaries and situational awareness. As more people pour into cities, fewer have natural experiences looking at things greater than themselves -- truly greater, not just blobitecture designed to crush the human spirit, which makes a lot of people fight back by spraying it with graffiti like tomcats pissing on a post. Look at the redwoods, or the ocean, or the stars on a dark moonless night. They will remind you that you are very small, and yet the world is still beautiful.

>>It's interesting too - there probably are issues where self esteem is over valued, but how much of the counter-"self esteem" is based on scorn, for giving people undeserved good opinions of themselves, even if the good opinion is properly well deserved for anyone?<<

Yeah, it's a mess. Everyone has intrinsic worth. People should think well of themselves and treat others well. Often they don't. Self-compassion is about loving yourself and treating yourself gently even when you make mistakes. Self-worth is about using concrete accomplishments to affirm the accuracy of your self-image, so that it is neither under-appreciative or over-appreciative. And society has lost that perspective, that balance.