Poem: "You Sure Do Change the Future"
Apr. 29th, 2018 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem was inspired by dialecticdreamer's recent thread of stories touching on Shiv's relationship with the Finn family. It also fills the "forgive" square in my 1-31-18 Platonic card for the Valentines Bingo fest. It has been selected in an audience poll to be sponsored out of the general fund from the April half-price sale. This poem belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It features Shiv's hilariously bad phone skills, poor emotional regulation, but he's turning to Dr. G for that, growing tension over an unresolved tension with Halley, floundering through family entanglements, dual relationship issues, an exhaustive analysis of Shiv's connection with each of the Finns, attachment damage, traumatic stress, never really feeling safe, Shiv still isn't ready to deal with Halley's apology more directly, asking for help and getting it, and other angst. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"You Sure Do Change the Future"
"I don't know if I can,"
Shiv wailed into the phone.
"Hello, Shiv, it's good to hear
from you," said Dr. G. "Can you
hold on for a moment, until I reach
my office and turn on the privacy field?"
"I'll hold," Shiv said unhappily.
His head was running in circles
like a cat caught in a dog mill.
He heard a door open and close,
then the soothing not-quite-hum
of the privacy field activating.
"All right, now we can talk freely,"
Dr. G said. "What did you want?"
"You told me to go home and
think about it, so I did, but I don't
know if I can actually do it, and now
I don't know what to do," Shiv said.
"Okay, you're thinking things over,
that's good," said Dr. G. "Tell me more."
"It's like everything is this big tangled ball,
and I can't work an end loose," Shiv said.
He bounced his back against the wall,
the dull pain helping him to focus.
"What's that thumping sound?"
Dr. G asked, concern clear in his tone.
"That's uh ... me," Shiv admitted.
He should know better by now.
Dr. G noticed everything.
"Shiv, how about you move to
somewhere softer, like the futon,
where you can rock safely without
hurting yourself," Dr. G said.
"I guess I can," Shiv said.
He pushed away from the wall
with his shoulders, then flopped
onto the futon. "Okay, I moved."
"Go back to rocking if it helps you
feel better," Dr. G said. "Plenty
of folks find it soothing. That's
called vestibular stimulation,
and it's good for your brain."
"Huh," Shiv said. He bounced
tentatively against the cushion
behind him. It helped a little.
He wasn't used to people
encouraging him to be weird.
"You were telling me about
thinking through something,"
Dr. G said. "What is it that
you're not sure you can do?"
Shiv winced. "... forgive Halley."
"Ah," said Dr. G. "Well, thank you
for giving it careful consideration, and
especially, it's good that you called me
when you reached the end of your rope."
"Doesn't help much," Shiv muttered.
"Everything's all stuck and I don't
know how to shake it loose."
"Then let's break this down into
smaller pieces, so each one will
be easier to handle," Dr. G said.
"Do you want to forgive Halley?"
"I don't know," Shiv said. "I mean,
if I could just walk away then probably
I would, but ... it's not just Halley here.
There's all the rest of you in this too."
"That's a useful observation," Dr. G said.
"When we started out, you decided to try
ignoring Halley while keeping contact
with the rest of the family. So how
is that working out for you?"
"Not so good," Shiv admitted.
"It did at first, when it was just you
and me, or sometimes Simon and Tolli
visiting. But then everyone else showed up
and it got harder to work around this."
"That can happen with dual relationships,"
Dr. G said. "Remember that sometimes,
friendship and therapy can tangle up. That's
why some people prefer to separate them.
Would you rather find someone else --"
"No no no," Shiv said, starting to panic again.
"Please don't drop me! You're the only one
who ever made any sense of this shit."
"I will never drop you," Dr. G promised.
"I just wanted to remind you that you
can fire me if you're ever dissatisfied
with my work. Halley made the mistake,
but I was supposed to keep you both safe,
and I failed miserably. I'm still sorry about it."
Shiv sighed. "None of the other shrinks ever
said they were sorry, no matter what they
fucked up," he replied. "So you're still
way ahead of the game there. This is
all I got, doc, I can't do it the other way."
"You're satisfied with my care, that's
good," Dr. G said. "How did you feel
about Halley before the incident?"
"Okay, I guess," Shiv said, struggling
to think back through the thick layer
of disgust. "Kind of weird, but then it's
all weird to me. I'm not used to having
people who want to be around me.
I did like the games, though."
"I'm hearing that you thought of
Halley as a friendly acquaintance
more than a close friend," Dr. G said.
"Does that sound right to you?"
"Yeah, I don't -- didn't really
have friends," Shiv replied.
"And now?" Dr. G said gently.
Shiv thought about Gray and Luci
and the rest of the Finns who hadn't
fucked him over yet. "Maybe."
"Then that's an improvement,"
Dr. G said. "How do you feel about
the rest of us? Starting with Edison."
"He's a pest, but not that much worse than
other kids," Shiv said. "The most I worry about
is him grabbing me, but he's learning not to do it."
"Edison has been taught not to grab other people,
but he's only four," Dr. G said. "What if he slips?"
Shiv huffed. "Doc, I know not to leave my room
on days when someone just bumping into me
makes me want to haul off and stab them."
"A good short-term solution," Dr. G agreed.
"How do you feel about Drew, then?"
"We're smooth," Shiv said at once.
"He doesn't rub me the wrong way.
Kid's a bit of a doormat, though."
"I know," Dr. G said with a sigh.
"We're working on it, though.
Comparing him to Aida ...?"
"Don't take this the wrong way,
but uh ... wouldn't turn my back on her,"
Shiv said. "Girl's got a real edge."
"That she does," Dr. G said fondly.
"We're still trying to get it set right."
"Yeah, it's there, but she doesn't have,
I don't know, confidence maybe," Shiv said.
"It's like she wants to go one way, but then
pulls herself in the other direction sometimes."
"We were trying to keep her from being
too rough with people, and we went
a little too far," Dr. G said. "So now
she's striving to find her balance."
Shiv knew what that was like.
He'd been fine for years, or fine-ish,
but now everything was shifting under him
and he had to scramble to keep his feet.
"Yeah, that's gotta suck," he said.
"We'll get through it," Dr. G said.
"Moving on to Heron now?"
"Ehh ..." Shiv hedged.
"Can I say mixed feelings?"
"You can say whatever you feel,"
Dr. G assured him. "Why mixed?"
"Heron's nice. He cooks real good
and he's always bringing me stuff.
He's quiet, and I like that," Shiv said.
"He just ... digs at things, sometimes,
that I'd rather not get into." Then
he sighed. "It's probably more me
than him, though. I'm too twitchy."
"Are those things the two of you
are dealing with all right, or is it
making your life harder instead
of easier?" Dr. G wondered.
"We're getting by," Shiv said.
"I don't want to dump Heron,
if that's what you're asking."
"I need to know if I should
tell him to back off," said Dr. G.
"The one time I asked that,
you said no," Shiv grumbled.
"I don't want to police either
your relationships or conversations,"
Dr. G said. "It's not helpful, and I think
that you'd hate it anyway. However, if
the family contact is overwhelming you
or someone is pushing too hard, then
I can and will warn them off."
Shiv nibbled his lip. "I think ...
it might work out with Heron," he said.
"Or if it doesn't, then it's more likely to be
my fault than his. He's not being awful,
I just overreact sometimes, you know?"
"I know, and Heron does too," said Dr. G.
"Maybe you two can work out a way
to communicate when you're feeling
touchy, so he knows not to push."
The answer popped into Shiv's head,
just like that. "Social alert button," he said.
"I already got one for Nope, Not Today."
"Then this conversation has already
done some good," Dr. G said. "I just
want to make sure that we're still
welcome in your life," said Dr. G.
"Well yeah," Shiv said,
shrugging his shoulders.
"It's not your fault that
Halley's got no brakes!"
"Not entirely, but I still feel
responsible," Dr. G said.
"What about Molly?"
"We're good," Shiv said.
"I dunno why she feels
different to me than Heron,
she just does, somehow."
"The two of them have
very different training and
personalities," Dr. G said.
"Heron has time to build up
a relationship with clients, and
deals with longer-term health issues.
Molly has to establish rapport fast,
in the middle of an emergency."
Shiv thought about that, how
Molly focused on practical stuff
and gave him little kickbacks
for putting up with her. It was
a lot like the prison staff that he
got along with good enough.
"Okay, I get that," Shiv said.
"What do you think of my wife,
then?" Dr. G asked next.
"She's like me," Shiv said quietly,
then realized what he'd done. "No, no --
I don't mean a mess! Like she's quick
to heat up when people pick at her. She
showed me what she does to stay calm, that
it actually works when most stuff just doesn't
That's ... useful, and I don't get a lot of that."
"Oh, like what?" Dr. asked, voice lilting up.
"The jump rope thing," Shiv said. "Sometimes
I go out to a playground and try it for a while,
or if the girls need a turner, I step up. They
laugh at me being so white, but they let me in."
"I'm glad you found something to burn off
the excess energy," Dr. G said, and Shiv
could hear the smile in his voice. "Was
there anything else you'd like to share?"
Shiv thought about it and added, "She
teaches stuff, and it's good lessons that
I can actually wrap my head around,
like what Dr. Bloch did in prison."
"I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear that,"
Dr. G said. "Would you like to add
Tolli and Simon to this discussion?"
"They're solid," Shiv said. He could
even see why Dr. G spoke of them
that way, Tolli-and-Simon, two halves
that made a whole. "They teach me
crafts, and they don't bug me to talk
too much. I need to work with my hands."
"That's good," Dr. G said. "It sounds like
you value at least some of the relationships,
even if you wouldn't call them all friends."
Shiv picked at the blanket. "I dunno if
I have all the same feelings as most folks,"
he said. "They act like friendship is a big deal,
and I just ... don't think I feel that way."
"Not everyone feels the same, and
that's okay," Dr. G pointed out. "Some
have close friends, others don't. You
feel how you feel, Shiv, and that's all.
If you're new to having friends, then
it may take a while for that to deepen."
Nobody had ever explained that before.
This was why Shiv stuck with Dr. G,
even though sometimes the man
stirred him up like a spoon in a pot.
"It's not like I've had that kind of time,"
Shiv said bitterly. "I've never spent long
at any one place before the people movers
came and dragged me away again. So
there wasn't much point getting close
to anyone, just to lose 'em later."
Dr. G growled. "Multiple placements
can do a lot of damage to your ability
to form attachments," he said. "If you
would like to work on relationship skills,
the kind of stuff most people learn while
growing up, then we can do that."
"Yeah, maybe, only nobody wants
to wait around for it," Shiv said.
"Maybe not many people, but you
have some now -- including your gang,
before I even knew you," Dr. G said.
"This is something that could benefit
all your connections, not just those
you've found with my family."
Shiv mulled over how he got along
with his gangmates, and the fact that
Boss White wanted to promote him.
Might could be a good idea to learn
how to handle people before he
was put in charge of any.
"Guess you can put that
on the session list," Shiv said.
A pattern of computer keys sounded
in the background. "Done," said Dr. G.
"Can you feel a difference between
the people you have known longer,
and more recent acquaintances?"
"Yeah," Shiv said. "It's not like ...
I don't think I get attached the way
most people do, but when I was away,
I missed a few folks. That's new."
"What about Boss White, then?
You've known him the longest
time of anyone," Dr. G said.
"Second-longest," Shiv said.
"Lieutenant Brown found me first,
at the bus station, and brought me in."
"Ah, that's right, I remember you
mentioning that now," Dr. G said.
"Yeah, I get a little easier with people
over time," Shiv said. "It's different. Before,
I got moved so much, it hardly happened."
"You've had time to put down some roots,"
Dr. G said. "That's good. I know you haven't
had as much time getting to know us, but
do you generally feel safe with us?"
"Uhh ..." Shiv said. "You know that
I don't feel really safe anywhere, right?"
Soft sigh. "Yes, I know," said Dr. G.
"However, you feel more or less safe in
different places, with different people,
right? Where do we fall in that range?"
"Toward the middle, I guess,"
Shiv said. "More with you because
I've known you longer and you've
stuck up for me sometimes. Heron
and Aida are iffy. Halley ..." A snort.
"You don't trust Halley," said Dr. G.
"I don't trust anyone," Shiv said.
"I know people say you have to,
but I don't. I can get by without it."
"Mmm, there's a difference between
trust, which is an emotion; and reliance,
which is an action," said Dr. G. "Trust
certainly makes life more secure, but
what you need most is the ability to lean
on other people who can do what you can't.
Do you have folks you can lean on, Shiv?"
"Maybe a few," Shiv said. "The gang's good,
I know people say it's bad, but it's good to me."
"Honestly, that's why people join gangs,"
Dr. G said. "It fills an unmet need -- food,
shelter, clothing, company, that sort of thing.
So how do you feel about your gangmates?"
"They're okay," Shiv said. "Lieutenant Brown
looks after me some. Not like smothering,
just ... making sure I'm getting by."
"I would have expected you to name
Boss White as someone whom
you rely on," Dr. G replied.
"He is, but it's not the same,"
Shiv said, struggling to find words.
"Can you tell me how?" Dr. G said.
"Boss White is just different from
everyone else because, well, when
he touches me, I can feel it," Shiv said.
"Everybody else, I have to guess
what they really think about me."
"So you can rely more on Boss White
because his telepathy gives you
a glimpse of his intent," Dr. G said.
"Yeah," Shiv said. "I used to could
read people better, but it's harder now.
I don't get it right as much as I did."
"Your situation has improved in
recent months," Dr. G pointed out.
"If your current circumstances are
very different from your past, then
your old models may not be accurate."
"Sounds about right," Shiv said.
"My life sucked before I got into
this gang, but ... people are hard."
He picked up one of the fidgets
that he'd found at a grocery store,
a soft blue ball with floppy tentacles.
If he lifted the ball by just one of them,
it would stretch and stretch, but if he
held it in his palm, then the tentacles would
drape over his fingers and he could sort of
comb them by hand. It was soothing.
"People are hard," Dr. G agreed.
"I'll make it easier if I can, though."
The words wrapped around Shiv's chest
and squeezed, making it harder to breathe.
"Don't know if I can do this," he panted.
"Okay, take a minute to breathe and relax,"
Dr. G said. "You need air to think clearly."
He talked Shiv through the process
until the crushing sensation faded.
"Thanks," Shiv said. "I hate that I
can't even get through a conversation
without turning into a total basket case."
"You've been through a lot, and that
affects both how you feel and how you
respond to challenges now," Dr. G said.
"Think about how much you have survived.
You got through that; you can get through this."
"Yeah," Shiv said. "I'm a survivor, all right.
I just suck at dealing with people. I mean,
everyone else can do apologies fine."
"You don't know anyone else who
struggles with that?" Dr. G said.
"I'm surprised, because that one
is a pretty common problem."
"Well, Popgun sucks at it, but
he's a jackass," said Shiv.
"See, you're not alone,
even if that's not company
you necessarily want to keep,"
said Dr. G. "Does it bother you
that you don't know whether or
not you can forgive someone?"
Shiv licked his lips. "Yeah. Maybe."
"Do you know why?" Dr. G said.
"That might help us figure it out."
"If it was just Halley, I wouldn't care,"
Shiv said, "but it's not, it bugs other people."
"Such as?" Dr. G said. "Who else is
affected by the strained relationship?
What impact have you seen?"
Shiv picked at a hole in his jeans,
worrying it larger. "Sometimes talking
to you guys, I get nervous after," he said.
"I know you don't like that I'm still mad at
Halley. That makes it harder to be with
anyone else in the family. It ... pulls."
"I don't like that things are unsettled
between you and Halley, because it's
making you uncomfortable and Halley
miserable," said Dr. G. "That doesn't mean
I disapprove, Shiv. It takes as long as it takes."
"Yeah, but it's starting to stir up things
at work, too," said Shiv, abandoning
the loose threads on his jeans. "I don't
want to bother Boss White with this, and
he picks up anything that stresses out
people really bad. So it needs fixing."
"If you want to work on that, we can.
I'll help you," said Dr. G. "Apologizing and
forgiving are skills, Shiv, nobody's born
knowing how to do those things. You
can learn them now you have a chance."
Shiv clutched the stress ball, then
made his hands open so he could
stroke the floppy little tentacles.
"I want to have a choice," he said.
"I want to decide whether to forgive
Halley, not get stuck because I
don't know how to do things."
"That's a good goal," Dr. G said,
his voice warming. "You'll need
those skills a lot, if you want to form
relationships now that people aren't
pulling you up by the roots all the time."
Shiv squirmed against the cushion,
then started rocking again. "I don't
know if it will even help," he said.
"What you're feeling is the tension
when a relationship is out of balance,"
said Dr. G. "That reminds you something
is wrong and needs attention. Apology
is about repairing a relationship that
got damaged by someone's action."
"Then why do I have to do the work?"
Shiv whined. "Halley fucked up!"
"You need to do the work of deciding
whether Halley's work is enough to earn
your forgiveness -- if you can trust thon again,
or at least be polite," said Dr. G. "Halley has been
working on learning how to avoid similar mistakes,
since you weren't interested in interacting earlier.
Currently thon is looking at emotional first aid
and trauma-informed care for young people."
"Huh," Shiv said. He hadn't though much
about what Halley might be doing, although
Dr. G had mentioned Halley putting stuff into
a file that Shiv had never even opened. It still
hurt too much. "I guess that is a lot of work."
"Yes, it is," Dr. G said. "You can check on
Halley's progress whenever you feel ready."
"Sooo not ready," Shiv said, voice shaking.
"That's okay," said Dr. G. "I'll be here
whenever you decide that you are.
We'll take it one step at a time."
"I guess," Shiv said. "I just don't know
why people make such a big deal out of
this stuff. It doesn't change anything."
"When you forgive, you don't change
the past in any way, Shiv," said Dr. G,
"but you sure do change the future."
The words sent shivers racing down
Shiv's spine, and he rubbed his back
frantically against the cushions
to wipe them off of his skin.
He wanted that, suddenly
and fiercely, a chance to change
the future that so often terrified him
more than he cared to admit.
If there was a way to stop people
from walking out on him, without
letting everyone wipe their feet
all over him -- oh yes, Shiv wanted.
And all he had to do to get it was ask Dr. G
to lead him through the fucking minefield
that social skills had always been for Shiv.
At least if it blew up in his face,
this time he'd have good company.
It felt strange to think that, but it
was true. Shiv felt pretty sure that
if things went south, Dr. G would be
right in there helping him clean it up,
no matter how bad a mess it turned into.
That gave him the strength to say, "Teach me."
* * *
Notes:
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past -- but you sure do change the future."
-- Bernard Meltzer
(Some of these links are gross.)
Dogfighting is illegal but still happens. One way of training dogs is to put a bait animal in a dog mill. Here is a diagram. If you use scented bait instead of a live animal as a lure, this is actually a fantastic way to exercise an energetic dog in a medium space instead of a huge park.
Emotional regulation is an essential part of life, consisting of multiple skills to modulate feelings. Nobody is born knowing this stuff. Children rely on parents to regulate their emotions for several years, and over time, to teach them self-regulation. Child abuse and neglect impair this process, doing long-term damage. I think this is the first time Shiv has reached to Dr. G for emotional regulation rather than plain problem-solving. There are techniques for controlling your emotions and soothing yourself. Learn how to develop emotional regulation. These worksheets may help.
Rocking often signals distress. This type of self-soothing can calm the amygdala by stimulating the vestibular system. Babies like to rock themselves, while older children tend to prefer swinging. Most adults go for rocking chairs.
Terramagne-America encourages people to make their own plans, with help if wanted or needed. Variations of "How is that working for you?" are used to gauge progress. Here's an example from Brief Action Planning with a flow chart. This concept applies to most problem-solving situations, and it's something that anyone can learn to use.
Chunking is a skill for breaking big problems into smaller pieces. You also need to know how to define a problem.
Dual relationships are complicated, but sometimes the best or only choice. This is true for Shiv, because his past experience involved many therapists who didn't even treat him as a person. He needs a more balanced, personal connection or he'll scram. This does not negate the occasional pitfalls of dual relationships, it just means those are something that Shiv and his caregivers have to learn how to handle so he can actually get some care.
Friendship exists on a spectrum, something that nobody mentioned to Shiv before. This example shows a range from frenemies to besties. Another shows how names change based on relationship. Studies of online relationships have created circle and bar graphs to show closeness.
(Some of these links are awful.)
This is a typical example of a social story about friendship as presented to people with autism or other social differences. Notice that it's all about the other person. That isn't friendship, it's people-pleasing, often beaten in by force. It's emotional labor, and for an introvert, it's exhausting and often unproductive. Friendship is reciprocity. When teachers describe people-pleasing but label it friendship, then shy, introverted, or neurovariant folks may think that friendship is something they don't have and don't want. This is just one of the many things going wrong in Shiv's head.
Contrast that with this program for teaching people with autism about circles of relationship. There are worksheets for naming the layers and for appropriate interactions with each.
See Shiv's social alert button that says, Nope Not Today.
(Some of these links are intense.)
Trust is complicated for abuse survivors. The often feel that they can't trust anyone. This may have been, or still be, correct distrust. In Shiv's case, it is now under-trusting due to changes in his situation. Other people may not even realize why they have trouble with trust. Some people claim that trust is mandatory, but emotions can't be mandatory. Certainly it is useful in a team and vital for a healthy relationship. But don't try to shame people for not feeling that way. There are ways to gain the trust of emotionally different people.
Unconditional love is all about how to care for someone who doesn't love you back and can be very difficult. Learn how to love unconditionally.
(These links are miserable.)
Attachment is vitally important in foster care. Unfortunately, the first thing that foster care always does is put stress on attachments, and most often winds up ripping them out by the roots. Victims of multiple placements therefore learn to avoid caring about anyone or anything else. This form of child abuse is routine and legal, but it does massive damage, which is difficult or impossible to fix. Foster children often become so terrified of the "people movers" taking them away again that they avoid reporting abuse or neglect.
Survivors of foster care may need support from caregivers to form healthy relationships. Sometimes, strong relationships can help heal trauma.
Falling in with the wrong crowd often happens with children or teenagers when their social needs are not met at home. They crave acceptance. They may join gangs for recognition, protection, or company. Imprisoning young troublemakers actively makes matters worse, because in groups they reinforce each other's bad behavior.
See Shiv's blue tentacle ball.
There is a moral imperative to clean up your own mess, whether literally or figuratively. Not everyone does this, but failing to meet expectations will cost them respect.
dialecticdreamer's recent thread of stories touching on Shiv's relationship with the Finn family. It also fills the "forgive" square in my 1-31-18 Platonic card for the Valentines Bingo fest. It has been selected in an audience poll to be sponsored out of the general fund from the April half-price sale. This poem belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.Warning: This poem contains some intense topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It features Shiv's hilariously bad phone skills, poor emotional regulation, but he's turning to Dr. G for that, growing tension over an unresolved tension with Halley, floundering through family entanglements, dual relationship issues, an exhaustive analysis of Shiv's connection with each of the Finns, attachment damage, traumatic stress, never really feeling safe, Shiv still isn't ready to deal with Halley's apology more directly, asking for help and getting it, and other angst. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"You Sure Do Change the Future"
"I don't know if I can,"
Shiv wailed into the phone.
"Hello, Shiv, it's good to hear
from you," said Dr. G. "Can you
hold on for a moment, until I reach
my office and turn on the privacy field?"
"I'll hold," Shiv said unhappily.
His head was running in circles
like a cat caught in a dog mill.
He heard a door open and close,
then the soothing not-quite-hum
of the privacy field activating.
"All right, now we can talk freely,"
Dr. G said. "What did you want?"
"You told me to go home and
think about it, so I did, but I don't
know if I can actually do it, and now
I don't know what to do," Shiv said.
"Okay, you're thinking things over,
that's good," said Dr. G. "Tell me more."
"It's like everything is this big tangled ball,
and I can't work an end loose," Shiv said.
He bounced his back against the wall,
the dull pain helping him to focus.
"What's that thumping sound?"
Dr. G asked, concern clear in his tone.
"That's uh ... me," Shiv admitted.
He should know better by now.
Dr. G noticed everything.
"Shiv, how about you move to
somewhere softer, like the futon,
where you can rock safely without
hurting yourself," Dr. G said.
"I guess I can," Shiv said.
He pushed away from the wall
with his shoulders, then flopped
onto the futon. "Okay, I moved."
"Go back to rocking if it helps you
feel better," Dr. G said. "Plenty
of folks find it soothing. That's
called vestibular stimulation,
and it's good for your brain."
"Huh," Shiv said. He bounced
tentatively against the cushion
behind him. It helped a little.
He wasn't used to people
encouraging him to be weird.
"You were telling me about
thinking through something,"
Dr. G said. "What is it that
you're not sure you can do?"
Shiv winced. "... forgive Halley."
"Ah," said Dr. G. "Well, thank you
for giving it careful consideration, and
especially, it's good that you called me
when you reached the end of your rope."
"Doesn't help much," Shiv muttered.
"Everything's all stuck and I don't
know how to shake it loose."
"Then let's break this down into
smaller pieces, so each one will
be easier to handle," Dr. G said.
"Do you want to forgive Halley?"
"I don't know," Shiv said. "I mean,
if I could just walk away then probably
I would, but ... it's not just Halley here.
There's all the rest of you in this too."
"That's a useful observation," Dr. G said.
"When we started out, you decided to try
ignoring Halley while keeping contact
with the rest of the family. So how
is that working out for you?"
"Not so good," Shiv admitted.
"It did at first, when it was just you
and me, or sometimes Simon and Tolli
visiting. But then everyone else showed up
and it got harder to work around this."
"That can happen with dual relationships,"
Dr. G said. "Remember that sometimes,
friendship and therapy can tangle up. That's
why some people prefer to separate them.
Would you rather find someone else --"
"No no no," Shiv said, starting to panic again.
"Please don't drop me! You're the only one
who ever made any sense of this shit."
"I will never drop you," Dr. G promised.
"I just wanted to remind you that you
can fire me if you're ever dissatisfied
with my work. Halley made the mistake,
but I was supposed to keep you both safe,
and I failed miserably. I'm still sorry about it."
Shiv sighed. "None of the other shrinks ever
said they were sorry, no matter what they
fucked up," he replied. "So you're still
way ahead of the game there. This is
all I got, doc, I can't do it the other way."
"You're satisfied with my care, that's
good," Dr. G said. "How did you feel
about Halley before the incident?"
"Okay, I guess," Shiv said, struggling
to think back through the thick layer
of disgust. "Kind of weird, but then it's
all weird to me. I'm not used to having
people who want to be around me.
I did like the games, though."
"I'm hearing that you thought of
Halley as a friendly acquaintance
more than a close friend," Dr. G said.
"Does that sound right to you?"
"Yeah, I don't -- didn't really
have friends," Shiv replied.
"And now?" Dr. G said gently.
Shiv thought about Gray and Luci
and the rest of the Finns who hadn't
fucked him over yet. "Maybe."
"Then that's an improvement,"
Dr. G said. "How do you feel about
the rest of us? Starting with Edison."
"He's a pest, but not that much worse than
other kids," Shiv said. "The most I worry about
is him grabbing me, but he's learning not to do it."
"Edison has been taught not to grab other people,
but he's only four," Dr. G said. "What if he slips?"
Shiv huffed. "Doc, I know not to leave my room
on days when someone just bumping into me
makes me want to haul off and stab them."
"A good short-term solution," Dr. G agreed.
"How do you feel about Drew, then?"
"We're smooth," Shiv said at once.
"He doesn't rub me the wrong way.
Kid's a bit of a doormat, though."
"I know," Dr. G said with a sigh.
"We're working on it, though.
Comparing him to Aida ...?"
"Don't take this the wrong way,
but uh ... wouldn't turn my back on her,"
Shiv said. "Girl's got a real edge."
"That she does," Dr. G said fondly.
"We're still trying to get it set right."
"Yeah, it's there, but she doesn't have,
I don't know, confidence maybe," Shiv said.
"It's like she wants to go one way, but then
pulls herself in the other direction sometimes."
"We were trying to keep her from being
too rough with people, and we went
a little too far," Dr. G said. "So now
she's striving to find her balance."
Shiv knew what that was like.
He'd been fine for years, or fine-ish,
but now everything was shifting under him
and he had to scramble to keep his feet.
"Yeah, that's gotta suck," he said.
"We'll get through it," Dr. G said.
"Moving on to Heron now?"
"Ehh ..." Shiv hedged.
"Can I say mixed feelings?"
"You can say whatever you feel,"
Dr. G assured him. "Why mixed?"
"Heron's nice. He cooks real good
and he's always bringing me stuff.
He's quiet, and I like that," Shiv said.
"He just ... digs at things, sometimes,
that I'd rather not get into." Then
he sighed. "It's probably more me
than him, though. I'm too twitchy."
"Are those things the two of you
are dealing with all right, or is it
making your life harder instead
of easier?" Dr. G wondered.
"We're getting by," Shiv said.
"I don't want to dump Heron,
if that's what you're asking."
"I need to know if I should
tell him to back off," said Dr. G.
"The one time I asked that,
you said no," Shiv grumbled.
"I don't want to police either
your relationships or conversations,"
Dr. G said. "It's not helpful, and I think
that you'd hate it anyway. However, if
the family contact is overwhelming you
or someone is pushing too hard, then
I can and will warn them off."
Shiv nibbled his lip. "I think ...
it might work out with Heron," he said.
"Or if it doesn't, then it's more likely to be
my fault than his. He's not being awful,
I just overreact sometimes, you know?"
"I know, and Heron does too," said Dr. G.
"Maybe you two can work out a way
to communicate when you're feeling
touchy, so he knows not to push."
The answer popped into Shiv's head,
just like that. "Social alert button," he said.
"I already got one for Nope, Not Today."
"Then this conversation has already
done some good," Dr. G said. "I just
want to make sure that we're still
welcome in your life," said Dr. G.
"Well yeah," Shiv said,
shrugging his shoulders.
"It's not your fault that
Halley's got no brakes!"
"Not entirely, but I still feel
responsible," Dr. G said.
"What about Molly?"
"We're good," Shiv said.
"I dunno why she feels
different to me than Heron,
she just does, somehow."
"The two of them have
very different training and
personalities," Dr. G said.
"Heron has time to build up
a relationship with clients, and
deals with longer-term health issues.
Molly has to establish rapport fast,
in the middle of an emergency."
Shiv thought about that, how
Molly focused on practical stuff
and gave him little kickbacks
for putting up with her. It was
a lot like the prison staff that he
got along with good enough.
"Okay, I get that," Shiv said.
"What do you think of my wife,
then?" Dr. G asked next.
"She's like me," Shiv said quietly,
then realized what he'd done. "No, no --
I don't mean a mess! Like she's quick
to heat up when people pick at her. She
showed me what she does to stay calm, that
it actually works when most stuff just doesn't
That's ... useful, and I don't get a lot of that."
"Oh, like what?" Dr. asked, voice lilting up.
"The jump rope thing," Shiv said. "Sometimes
I go out to a playground and try it for a while,
or if the girls need a turner, I step up. They
laugh at me being so white, but they let me in."
"I'm glad you found something to burn off
the excess energy," Dr. G said, and Shiv
could hear the smile in his voice. "Was
there anything else you'd like to share?"
Shiv thought about it and added, "She
teaches stuff, and it's good lessons that
I can actually wrap my head around,
like what Dr. Bloch did in prison."
"I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear that,"
Dr. G said. "Would you like to add
Tolli and Simon to this discussion?"
"They're solid," Shiv said. He could
even see why Dr. G spoke of them
that way, Tolli-and-Simon, two halves
that made a whole. "They teach me
crafts, and they don't bug me to talk
too much. I need to work with my hands."
"That's good," Dr. G said. "It sounds like
you value at least some of the relationships,
even if you wouldn't call them all friends."
Shiv picked at the blanket. "I dunno if
I have all the same feelings as most folks,"
he said. "They act like friendship is a big deal,
and I just ... don't think I feel that way."
"Not everyone feels the same, and
that's okay," Dr. G pointed out. "Some
have close friends, others don't. You
feel how you feel, Shiv, and that's all.
If you're new to having friends, then
it may take a while for that to deepen."
Nobody had ever explained that before.
This was why Shiv stuck with Dr. G,
even though sometimes the man
stirred him up like a spoon in a pot.
"It's not like I've had that kind of time,"
Shiv said bitterly. "I've never spent long
at any one place before the people movers
came and dragged me away again. So
there wasn't much point getting close
to anyone, just to lose 'em later."
Dr. G growled. "Multiple placements
can do a lot of damage to your ability
to form attachments," he said. "If you
would like to work on relationship skills,
the kind of stuff most people learn while
growing up, then we can do that."
"Yeah, maybe, only nobody wants
to wait around for it," Shiv said.
"Maybe not many people, but you
have some now -- including your gang,
before I even knew you," Dr. G said.
"This is something that could benefit
all your connections, not just those
you've found with my family."
Shiv mulled over how he got along
with his gangmates, and the fact that
Boss White wanted to promote him.
Might could be a good idea to learn
how to handle people before he
was put in charge of any.
"Guess you can put that
on the session list," Shiv said.
A pattern of computer keys sounded
in the background. "Done," said Dr. G.
"Can you feel a difference between
the people you have known longer,
and more recent acquaintances?"
"Yeah," Shiv said. "It's not like ...
I don't think I get attached the way
most people do, but when I was away,
I missed a few folks. That's new."
"What about Boss White, then?
You've known him the longest
time of anyone," Dr. G said.
"Second-longest," Shiv said.
"Lieutenant Brown found me first,
at the bus station, and brought me in."
"Ah, that's right, I remember you
mentioning that now," Dr. G said.
"Yeah, I get a little easier with people
over time," Shiv said. "It's different. Before,
I got moved so much, it hardly happened."
"You've had time to put down some roots,"
Dr. G said. "That's good. I know you haven't
had as much time getting to know us, but
do you generally feel safe with us?"
"Uhh ..." Shiv said. "You know that
I don't feel really safe anywhere, right?"
Soft sigh. "Yes, I know," said Dr. G.
"However, you feel more or less safe in
different places, with different people,
right? Where do we fall in that range?"
"Toward the middle, I guess,"
Shiv said. "More with you because
I've known you longer and you've
stuck up for me sometimes. Heron
and Aida are iffy. Halley ..." A snort.
"You don't trust Halley," said Dr. G.
"I don't trust anyone," Shiv said.
"I know people say you have to,
but I don't. I can get by without it."
"Mmm, there's a difference between
trust, which is an emotion; and reliance,
which is an action," said Dr. G. "Trust
certainly makes life more secure, but
what you need most is the ability to lean
on other people who can do what you can't.
Do you have folks you can lean on, Shiv?"
"Maybe a few," Shiv said. "The gang's good,
I know people say it's bad, but it's good to me."
"Honestly, that's why people join gangs,"
Dr. G said. "It fills an unmet need -- food,
shelter, clothing, company, that sort of thing.
So how do you feel about your gangmates?"
"They're okay," Shiv said. "Lieutenant Brown
looks after me some. Not like smothering,
just ... making sure I'm getting by."
"I would have expected you to name
Boss White as someone whom
you rely on," Dr. G replied.
"He is, but it's not the same,"
Shiv said, struggling to find words.
"Can you tell me how?" Dr. G said.
"Boss White is just different from
everyone else because, well, when
he touches me, I can feel it," Shiv said.
"Everybody else, I have to guess
what they really think about me."
"So you can rely more on Boss White
because his telepathy gives you
a glimpse of his intent," Dr. G said.
"Yeah," Shiv said. "I used to could
read people better, but it's harder now.
I don't get it right as much as I did."
"Your situation has improved in
recent months," Dr. G pointed out.
"If your current circumstances are
very different from your past, then
your old models may not be accurate."
"Sounds about right," Shiv said.
"My life sucked before I got into
this gang, but ... people are hard."
He picked up one of the fidgets
that he'd found at a grocery store,
a soft blue ball with floppy tentacles.
If he lifted the ball by just one of them,
it would stretch and stretch, but if he
held it in his palm, then the tentacles would
drape over his fingers and he could sort of
comb them by hand. It was soothing.
"People are hard," Dr. G agreed.
"I'll make it easier if I can, though."
The words wrapped around Shiv's chest
and squeezed, making it harder to breathe.
"Don't know if I can do this," he panted.
"Okay, take a minute to breathe and relax,"
Dr. G said. "You need air to think clearly."
He talked Shiv through the process
until the crushing sensation faded.
"Thanks," Shiv said. "I hate that I
can't even get through a conversation
without turning into a total basket case."
"You've been through a lot, and that
affects both how you feel and how you
respond to challenges now," Dr. G said.
"Think about how much you have survived.
You got through that; you can get through this."
"Yeah," Shiv said. "I'm a survivor, all right.
I just suck at dealing with people. I mean,
everyone else can do apologies fine."
"You don't know anyone else who
struggles with that?" Dr. G said.
"I'm surprised, because that one
is a pretty common problem."
"Well, Popgun sucks at it, but
he's a jackass," said Shiv.
"See, you're not alone,
even if that's not company
you necessarily want to keep,"
said Dr. G. "Does it bother you
that you don't know whether or
not you can forgive someone?"
Shiv licked his lips. "Yeah. Maybe."
"Do you know why?" Dr. G said.
"That might help us figure it out."
"If it was just Halley, I wouldn't care,"
Shiv said, "but it's not, it bugs other people."
"Such as?" Dr. G said. "Who else is
affected by the strained relationship?
What impact have you seen?"
Shiv picked at a hole in his jeans,
worrying it larger. "Sometimes talking
to you guys, I get nervous after," he said.
"I know you don't like that I'm still mad at
Halley. That makes it harder to be with
anyone else in the family. It ... pulls."
"I don't like that things are unsettled
between you and Halley, because it's
making you uncomfortable and Halley
miserable," said Dr. G. "That doesn't mean
I disapprove, Shiv. It takes as long as it takes."
"Yeah, but it's starting to stir up things
at work, too," said Shiv, abandoning
the loose threads on his jeans. "I don't
want to bother Boss White with this, and
he picks up anything that stresses out
people really bad. So it needs fixing."
"If you want to work on that, we can.
I'll help you," said Dr. G. "Apologizing and
forgiving are skills, Shiv, nobody's born
knowing how to do those things. You
can learn them now you have a chance."
Shiv clutched the stress ball, then
made his hands open so he could
stroke the floppy little tentacles.
"I want to have a choice," he said.
"I want to decide whether to forgive
Halley, not get stuck because I
don't know how to do things."
"That's a good goal," Dr. G said,
his voice warming. "You'll need
those skills a lot, if you want to form
relationships now that people aren't
pulling you up by the roots all the time."
Shiv squirmed against the cushion,
then started rocking again. "I don't
know if it will even help," he said.
"What you're feeling is the tension
when a relationship is out of balance,"
said Dr. G. "That reminds you something
is wrong and needs attention. Apology
is about repairing a relationship that
got damaged by someone's action."
"Then why do I have to do the work?"
Shiv whined. "Halley fucked up!"
"You need to do the work of deciding
whether Halley's work is enough to earn
your forgiveness -- if you can trust thon again,
or at least be polite," said Dr. G. "Halley has been
working on learning how to avoid similar mistakes,
since you weren't interested in interacting earlier.
Currently thon is looking at emotional first aid
and trauma-informed care for young people."
"Huh," Shiv said. He hadn't though much
about what Halley might be doing, although
Dr. G had mentioned Halley putting stuff into
a file that Shiv had never even opened. It still
hurt too much. "I guess that is a lot of work."
"Yes, it is," Dr. G said. "You can check on
Halley's progress whenever you feel ready."
"Sooo not ready," Shiv said, voice shaking.
"That's okay," said Dr. G. "I'll be here
whenever you decide that you are.
We'll take it one step at a time."
"I guess," Shiv said. "I just don't know
why people make such a big deal out of
this stuff. It doesn't change anything."
"When you forgive, you don't change
the past in any way, Shiv," said Dr. G,
"but you sure do change the future."
The words sent shivers racing down
Shiv's spine, and he rubbed his back
frantically against the cushions
to wipe them off of his skin.
He wanted that, suddenly
and fiercely, a chance to change
the future that so often terrified him
more than he cared to admit.
If there was a way to stop people
from walking out on him, without
letting everyone wipe their feet
all over him -- oh yes, Shiv wanted.
And all he had to do to get it was ask Dr. G
to lead him through the fucking minefield
that social skills had always been for Shiv.
At least if it blew up in his face,
this time he'd have good company.
It felt strange to think that, but it
was true. Shiv felt pretty sure that
if things went south, Dr. G would be
right in there helping him clean it up,
no matter how bad a mess it turned into.
That gave him the strength to say, "Teach me."
* * *
Notes:
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past -- but you sure do change the future."
-- Bernard Meltzer
(Some of these links are gross.)
Dogfighting is illegal but still happens. One way of training dogs is to put a bait animal in a dog mill. Here is a diagram. If you use scented bait instead of a live animal as a lure, this is actually a fantastic way to exercise an energetic dog in a medium space instead of a huge park.
Emotional regulation is an essential part of life, consisting of multiple skills to modulate feelings. Nobody is born knowing this stuff. Children rely on parents to regulate their emotions for several years, and over time, to teach them self-regulation. Child abuse and neglect impair this process, doing long-term damage. I think this is the first time Shiv has reached to Dr. G for emotional regulation rather than plain problem-solving. There are techniques for controlling your emotions and soothing yourself. Learn how to develop emotional regulation. These worksheets may help.
Rocking often signals distress. This type of self-soothing can calm the amygdala by stimulating the vestibular system. Babies like to rock themselves, while older children tend to prefer swinging. Most adults go for rocking chairs.
Terramagne-America encourages people to make their own plans, with help if wanted or needed. Variations of "How is that working for you?" are used to gauge progress. Here's an example from Brief Action Planning with a flow chart. This concept applies to most problem-solving situations, and it's something that anyone can learn to use.
Chunking is a skill for breaking big problems into smaller pieces. You also need to know how to define a problem.
Dual relationships are complicated, but sometimes the best or only choice. This is true for Shiv, because his past experience involved many therapists who didn't even treat him as a person. He needs a more balanced, personal connection or he'll scram. This does not negate the occasional pitfalls of dual relationships, it just means those are something that Shiv and his caregivers have to learn how to handle so he can actually get some care.
Friendship exists on a spectrum, something that nobody mentioned to Shiv before. This example shows a range from frenemies to besties. Another shows how names change based on relationship. Studies of online relationships have created circle and bar graphs to show closeness.
(Some of these links are awful.)
This is a typical example of a social story about friendship as presented to people with autism or other social differences. Notice that it's all about the other person. That isn't friendship, it's people-pleasing, often beaten in by force. It's emotional labor, and for an introvert, it's exhausting and often unproductive. Friendship is reciprocity. When teachers describe people-pleasing but label it friendship, then shy, introverted, or neurovariant folks may think that friendship is something they don't have and don't want. This is just one of the many things going wrong in Shiv's head.
Contrast that with this program for teaching people with autism about circles of relationship. There are worksheets for naming the layers and for appropriate interactions with each.
See Shiv's social alert button that says, Nope Not Today.
(Some of these links are intense.)
Trust is complicated for abuse survivors. The often feel that they can't trust anyone. This may have been, or still be, correct distrust. In Shiv's case, it is now under-trusting due to changes in his situation. Other people may not even realize why they have trouble with trust. Some people claim that trust is mandatory, but emotions can't be mandatory. Certainly it is useful in a team and vital for a healthy relationship. But don't try to shame people for not feeling that way. There are ways to gain the trust of emotionally different people.
Unconditional love is all about how to care for someone who doesn't love you back and can be very difficult. Learn how to love unconditionally.
(These links are miserable.)
Attachment is vitally important in foster care. Unfortunately, the first thing that foster care always does is put stress on attachments, and most often winds up ripping them out by the roots. Victims of multiple placements therefore learn to avoid caring about anyone or anything else. This form of child abuse is routine and legal, but it does massive damage, which is difficult or impossible to fix. Foster children often become so terrified of the "people movers" taking them away again that they avoid reporting abuse or neglect.
Survivors of foster care may need support from caregivers to form healthy relationships. Sometimes, strong relationships can help heal trauma.
Falling in with the wrong crowd often happens with children or teenagers when their social needs are not met at home. They crave acceptance. They may join gangs for recognition, protection, or company. Imprisoning young troublemakers actively makes matters worse, because in groups they reinforce each other's bad behavior.
See Shiv's blue tentacle ball.
There is a moral imperative to clean up your own mess, whether literally or figuratively. Not everyone does this, but failing to meet expectations will cost them respect.
My heart aches for Shiv
Date: 2018-04-29 04:57 pm (UTC)I like that we've seen HIS side of this, since Halley's mistake didn't actually give thon ANY information about him, so thon was floundering, trying to gauge the DEPTH of the damage. Then thon was trying to show Shiv the work thon was doing, as part of a concrete apology.
That stuff's all sitting in a folder, unsent, because Shiv wasn't ready for it.
We can get through this from HIS viewpoint because it actually affected him tremendously.
Sure, Halley will learn a TON of things, Halley will NEVER make this mistake again, but while it's a fundamental change in thon's thinking, it's NOT got the tremendous baggage along with it. So it's a totally different kind of work, best shown separately.
I'd like to think that by the time Halley comes home for the summer in 2015, Shiv will be ready to socialize, and that's when they can build a new friendship. But knowing how long that will be, even to get started, is hard because I don't like it when people, even fictional ones, are stuck in a rut.
Re: My heart aches for Shiv
Date: 2018-04-29 06:42 pm (UTC)Yeah, that is a huge step for Shiv. :D
>> Some days, that needs a warning for me, and some days it's radioactive, and I put off reading for a while. <<
Well, that's what warnings are for. They keep you from getting hurt when something is outside your capacity today, while letting you read more than you could without them by choosing to read the more challenging stuff on a good day. \o/ "Asking for help and getting it" is a standard warning for my writing, precisely because one reader asked for it as necessary and I realized that it probably applied to a bunch of other folks in my audience. I have so, so many readers who grew up in crummy or downright awful situations that help is a fraught topic for lots of them.
>> I like that we've seen HIS side of this, <<
One of the rules of writing I like is that scenes should be told from the viewpoint of the most affected character. If you cover the same issue more than once, however, you can show multiple perspectives. We've seen Halley's viewpoint, and Dr. G's when trying to support the initial confession of what went wrong. Shiv, aside from that meltdown when he first found out about it, has done the usual and suppressed much of his reaction. Now that he's coming to realize he isn't satisfied with leaving the mess stuffed in a closet -- which isn't working as well as it used to -- those emotions are bubbling up as he tries to deal with what happened. So this is the time when his perspective becomes more important to show.
I'd still like to do a scene with Shiv the morning after the meltdown, though, to deal with the aftermath of kicking the wall.
>> since Halley's mistake didn't actually give thon ANY information about him, so thon was floundering, trying to gauge the DEPTH of the damage. Then thon was trying to show Shiv the work thon was doing, as part of a concrete apology. <<
Yeah, it's been as hard on Halley as on Shiv, just in different ways and at different times.
I should point out that Shiv's reaction told Halley more than anything else has.
>> That stuff's all sitting in a folder, unsent, because Shiv wasn't ready for it. <<
Exactly. Shiv doesn't understand relationships or apologies well enough to work through something this big. The blowup with Dr. Bloch was minor in comparison.
>> We can get through this from HIS viewpoint because it actually affected him tremendously.<<
Sooth. It's probably the first time in years that Shiv got blindsided like that, because normally he expects people to violate his boundaries. He didn't even realize how much he was actually leaning on the Finns until one of them buckled and dumped him on his ass. He wasn't ready for it, and that's what upset him the most. The biggest issue with Halley isn't the violation itself. It's that this highlights for Shiv how he will have to make a choice, sooner or later, to stay ready for attacks all the time or learn how to relax around other people. That's hard, and Halley just made it a lot harder.
>> Sure, Halley will learn a TON of things, Halley will NEVER make this mistake again, <<
That's a good takehome.
>> but while it's a fundamental change in thon's thinking, it's NOT got the tremendous baggage along with it. So it's a totally different kind of work, best shown separately. <<
True. Much of the problem on Shiv's side was simply that he's been violated so routinely it has messed up his perception of what boundaries even are, let alone where they should be. Society has no grounds to bitch about him being a supervillain after that.
>>I'd like to think that by the time Halley comes home for the summer in 2015, Shiv will be ready to socialize, <<
That would put it approximately a year since the original offense. If they're going to make up at all, that's about the right timing. The second beach trip is in February, if I remember right, and by then Shiv was at least distantly civil to Halley and they weren't shredding each other or staying as far apart as possible.
>> and that's when they can build a new friendship. <<
Let's say, the point of the apology and its restitution is to get them back up to zero, out of the negative range. From there, they can start fresh and really try to build a new relationship mindfully this time. Both of them will have fresh skills to bring to that process. They'll get more adult supervision this time, to make sure it goes better.
>> But knowing how long that will be, even to get started, is hard because I don't like it when people, even fictional ones, are stuck in a rut. <<
Oh, I hate that too. I'll bail out of a series if the main character keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I know people do that, but after a while it just bores and annoys me. In Shiv's case, I think the key is to show how much damage there is, and all the tiny little steps he makes in a positive direction. He's not stuck; he's just moving slowly, and sometimes it's a cha-cha.
Another helpful factor is simply that Halley is in college and therefore not underfoot all the time. Each of them can work on their own issues privately, but they can't work on the relationship unless they do that together. Limited facetime necessarily slows down the rate of progress. Even when Halley reaches summer break, it has to be up to Shiv whether he's ready to deal with thon.
Re: My heart aches for Shiv
Date: 2018-04-29 07:04 pm (UTC)Re: My heart aches for Shiv
Date: 2018-04-29 11:51 pm (UTC)Okay ...
>> Thon will go to Shiv for advice, because he's WORKED through that kind of terrible, heavy decision... whether to even try to preserve a relationship with Halley. <<
That fits, yes. By then, Shiv should be relatively settled and able to help.
>> The problems are different in detail, but it's dealing with the enormous emotional LOAD for which Halley will be asking for help.<<
Agreed. In this regard, Shiv may have more experience than most of the other Finns.
Re: My heart aches for Shiv
Date: 2018-04-29 09:21 pm (UTC)So will I. Mistakes happen, but the total lack of a learning curve is a deal-breaker for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-29 07:43 pm (UTC)I suppose I'm so aware of the gap between intelligence and maturity because one of the things my mom did right was insist that other people keep in mind that no matter what my intellectual comprehension level, emotionally I was still a little girl who couldn't handle the big emotions evoked by the news reports from the Vietnam War, and if they would not turn off the 6 o'clock news for that one evening we would have to leave.
Thoughts
Date: 2018-04-29 07:59 pm (UTC)I think the problem is inexperience rather than immaturity. Halley didn't make that mistake due to not caring about Shiv's feelings, or not thinking about other people at all. Thon simply didn't realize how much damage it could do, because thon has led a rather sheltered life in some ways and has limited experience with betrayal and trauma. Now Halley knows more about that stuff, and is fluently incorporating it into thon's worldview. If the problem were maturity, rather than experience, it wouldn't have played out the same way.
>> Shiv is roughly twice thon's age. His expectations for himself, and society's expectations for him generally, are that he "act like an adult". But his maturation process has more holes in it than moth-eaten lace, so he probably has even fewer tools for processing than thon does. But he knows those expectations are there, so he's prickly about his lack of tools on top of everything else.<<
Shiv is barely starting to have those expectations of himself, precisely because of his messy past. He didn't get the kind of experiences that would help him develop maturity, so he hasn't got it. What he has is a very limited set of expectations that bear little resemblance to society's idea of "act like an adult." His personal ones are things like "I'm not a rat." He has a more recent addition of wanting to live up to Boss White's expectations, which is a nonstandard but functional work ethic -- actually the most functional relationship Shiv has had with any authority so far. But he's almost completely lacking the regular social stuff like please and thank you or apologies. Then there's a big chunk of surprisingly sophisticated inclusivity rules, again from Boss White, like "Don't lean on someone's wheelchair" and "Don't use racist language."
Shiv's chronological age may be twice Halley's but Halley's maturity is at least twice Shiv's. And Shiv's emotional age is all over the place. It's no wonder they tripped up.
>> I suppose I'm so aware of the gap between intelligence and maturity because one of the things my mom did right was insist that other people keep in mind that no matter what my intellectual comprehension level, emotionally I was still a little girl <<
I'm glad that worked for you. \o/
My parents let me stretch in that regard as long as it wasn't dangerous. I remember watching "The Day After" -- which was about nuclear war -- and then we sat up talking about it. Yes, I had nightmares. But that wasn't about emotional immaturity, it was farmemory. Given that I was old enough to know what nuclear weapons were and I was standing in a world that had them, I figured I better start dealing with that. I was ... maybe eight or so? By which time I'd grown up reading Dad's books about the American Invasion so I'd honestly seen worse.
I also know someone who was wildly uncomfortable with school talks about sex ed because she was maturing slower and just not ready to talk about that topic in public, or much at all.
You really have to pay close attention to individual development, because introducing topics too fast or too slow can do a lot of harm.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-04-30 07:41 am (UTC)???
What's also called "the discovery of America" and its "settlement" by Europeans?
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-04-30 08:25 am (UTC)This got me kicked out of a lot of history classes, but I learned more history that way.
Telling intelligent and chronically ill kids info must be done carefully!
Date: 2018-04-30 01:41 pm (UTC)I told my friends that I was going to need open heart surgery. I didn't, and still don't, quite understand why whether the surgery was going to be later that summer or twenty years from then, mattered to mention the scale.
I got in trouble for "lying to my friends", because their moms called and talked to my mom, but Mom was never angry with me, just said that the amount of time mattered to other people. After THAT, I would usually explain the ways to notice if my heart was giving me problems, AND if it was consistent and persisting in getting worse, more frequent episodes, worse speech patterns, disorganized thinking to remind me to TELL my cardiologist.
That I made it past 30 years old before surgery was one of the indicators that the initial diagnosis was either wrong or incomplete. Bicuspid aortic valve and my subaortic stenosis membrane type look extremely similar in the regular tests. I asked for help grocery shopping by the last few years, I got my friend to come with me to the doctor's appointment.
I may have needed the medical information, but I was not good at the emotional impact of this knowledge.
Re: Telling intelligent and chronically ill kids info must be done carefully!
Date: 2018-04-30 05:23 pm (UTC)Any time kids are inescapably entangled in something beyond their understanding, it causes problems. All you can do is try to reduce the complexity to the parts they can grasp. One important part of that is minimizing things that aren't urgent, because the child will naturally be more mature when those things crop up. Frex, "This is what we're doing to work on the problem right now. This kind of problem tends to get worse over time. Later on, when you're older, we'll talk about how to handle the worse parts. The things you're learning now will help you understand those parts later so that it won't seem quite so overwhelming." This is especially important in progressive or degenerative conditions.
Some adults prefer to deal with it by not telling kids anything. This does more damage because fear of the unknown is nonspecific, and instead of localizing the fear reaction to one condition, it tends to spread to all medical interactions or their whole life.
In any case, it is prudent to have a counselor available for patients receiving bad news. The doctor is trained to deal with medical issues, but only a few specialties require training in emotional care. A counselor can help people calm down, learn coping skills to deal with the stress, talk about pros and cons of telling friends, offer resources like support groups, and so on. Mandatory counseling is just one more violation, but many people find voluntary counseling helpful.
>>I told my friends that I was going to need open heart surgery. I didn't, and still don't, quite understand why whether the surgery was going to be later that summer or twenty years from then, mattered to mention the scale. <<
Well, if you're freaking out over the event rather than its proximity, that makes sense. It probably wouldn't have occurred to me either, although I'd more likely mention the timing. But I don't talk about my health much, and other people's reaction is about half of why.
It may be that their distinction falls on personal responsibility. If it's not going to happen in the soon future, then they probably won't see a need to do anything about it, which makes it irrelevant. Unless you consider "comforting an upset friend" to be one of the fundamental parts of friendship, in which case they let you down.
>>After THAT, I would usually explain the ways to notice if my heart was giving me problems<<
That's a good solution. Medical counselors are supposed to be trained in that sort of thing.
I've seen some excellent examples, like this one for burn survivors that gives detailed advice on navigating social challenges. The same site has some other resources especially for children, like teasing. Skills make a big difference in experiences, so it's essential to make sure children with health issues have developmentally appropriate tools to deal with their situation. You really have to look closely. Because emotional and intellectual age can differ from chronological age, one child might be hacking the Latin out of doctors who don't realize the kid can understand everything they're saying, but also floundering over the social aspects; while another is fluently organizing their own support network only to stumble because they can't understand the diagnosis beyond a few things they've been told to do or avoid.
>>I may have needed the medical information, but I was not good at the emotional impact of this knowledge.<<
That's true for most people who get a real scary diagnosis. Modern America does a piss-poor job of teaching people coping skills. The chance of flailing gets higher the younger the victim is, just because they haven't had time to develop those skills yet. Young children rely on adults for emotional regulation. It sounds like your mother had her head on straight, at least.