On the Matter of Gifts

[ysabetwordsmith]

One thing holidays do is divide between people who love gift cards and people who hate them.

The rule is simple: when giving a gift, think of the recipient. If the person loves gift cards, then give that. You can 'customize' it by picking a favorite store; there are cards for department stores, book stores, clothing stores, most stores these days. If the person dislikes gift cards, give something else instead.

The same applies to handmade gifts: some people love homemade goodies, while others hate them. Give what the recipient likes; avoid what they don't.

And while we're on the topic, not everyone says "I love you" the same way. Here's an introduction to five popular love languages: words, service, gifts, time, touch. If you and your family share the same language(s) then great. If not, the most loving thing you can do is learn how to express love the way other people receive it.  They will be happy, and also if they notice how much work you're putting into it, they'll probably be impressed.  This means that not all people focus on the gift-giving part of the holidays.  A word-oriented person might prefer a long chatty letter or conversation about your year, a service-oriented person might favor being pampered, a time-oriented person generally likes doing things together, and a touch-oriented person might love snuggling by a fire.  You get the drift.

Picking on people what they like is obnoxious. Don't be a dick. Especially, don't be a dick over the holidays.

Happy Chrismahanakwanzikah to you. I'm posting this note ahead of Thanksgiving because the shopping season has sprawled out this early so yes, really, this advice is already needed. Not to mention arguments over who pays for the turkey supplies and how. Ah well. Try not to kill each other.

Comments

[stardreamer]

The anti-gift-card person has a severely limited imagination.

When I get a gift card for my favorite bookstore or music store, it says, "I know what you like, but I also know that you have a lot of [books/CDs] already, and I don't want to buy you something you already have."

When I get a gift card for a cool online store like ThinkGeek, it says, "I know you like a lot of the stuff here, but you don't have a lot of money to spend on it. Have fun shopping!"

One of my friends gives me a Starbucks gift card every couple of years. I don't go to Starbucks often, but it's nice to know that when I do, I don't have to spend my own money -- and I think of her every single time.

If all he can see is "cash equivalent", he needs to look (and think) harder.

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

I agree.

Something else I have done for friends who are moving is send them a gift card, either somewhere practical like a Home Depot or some comfort-food restaurant I know they like, depending on the kind of "ack ack" noises they are making and what I think would help. Because I can't be everywhere on Earth to help you hoof your stuff around, but I know that people moving always wind up needing spray cleaner or a hot meal with no effort.

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

I wonder if they are having an ask guess culture lost in translation? I'll admit gift cards that have no relation to my life are 'annoying' but a gift certificate to my indie bookstore? I get to get just the right thing. But then I never had a problem with older relatives getting a crisp bill from the bank and slipping it into a cute holder. I've still got a shirt I bought with Christmas money.

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>I wonder if they are having an ask guess culture lost in translation?<<

It happens. In my observation, guess people often want personally attuned gifts while ask people are thrilled with gift cards. Guess people are also frequently annoyed at being asked what they want (you should know this if you love me) while ask people again are delighted by it. But guessers seem more fond of handmade stuff; askers often prefer storebought.

>> I'll admit gift cards that have no relation to my life are 'annoying' but a gift certificate to my indie bookstore? I get to get just the right thing. But then I never had a problem with older relatives getting a crisp bill from the bank and slipping it into a cute holder. <<

I am also very fond of cashy money! Cashy money may be easily transmuted into other things I love. As you say, it can be presented in amusing ways.

>>I've still got a shirt I bought with Christmas money.<<

And of course, there is the fun custom of "Let me tell you what you bought me for Holiday!" :D Especially cool with relatives who liked shopping but no longer have the energy to do it personally. "So we went to the mall and the kitchen stores and I found a nifty new spatula and a greenware skillet and a trivet shaped like a pentacle!" Yes, I've done that.

Re: Yes...

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

And that can be a thing right there. It can be hard for some people to get out and about, or the mailing charges are a problem, etc etc. Cashy money or gift cards then really are the considerate thing on both sides.

It's like how rather than send an FTD arrangement, someone called to a local flower shop and had them deliver.

Re: Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Yes, calling and buying local can be a great solution.

In Terramagne some florists, bakers, and other gift-heavy businesses are often networked together so you go in, tell them where your recipient is at, and they can call up catalogs to help you find what you're looking for. Then the local place delivers. \o/

Re: Yes...

[stardreamer]

In my observation, guess people often want personally attuned gifts while ask people are thrilled with gift cards.

As a definite Asker, I say yes and no to this -- but that's partly because I see a gift card to a store where I'm known to shop as a "personally attuned gift" too. Hand me a gift card to Bass Pro and I'm going to side-eye (and then go check out the tackle boxes to see if any of them would be good bead storage), but one for Michael's? Hey, I can take advantage of their framing sale! (Or buy beads.) And oh ghod, me trying to shop for (say) a photography enthusiast? I know just enough to know how much I don't know, so I'll get them a gift card to the local camera shop.

Guess people are also frequently annoyed at being asked what they want (you should know this if you love me) while ask people again are delighted by it.

The only person who MIGHT get that "you should know this" is Russ, and he's been living with me for 17 years. Anybody else? No, they can't read my mind, and it's bloody rude to expect them to. Nor can I read theirs, and that seems to be what Guessers want a lot of the time.

One thing I'll often do when someone asks me what I'd like is to provide a wishlist. That way they can pick anything from it and know it will be welcome, and I still get the element of not knowing what to expect. I used to do that with my parents all the time, because they had no idea what my tastes were. I stopped doing it after my mother died, because my father apparently had no concept of "wishlist" and proceeded to buy me everything on it instead of a judicious selection! Which made me feel like a gold-digger, so after that he only got a Top Three list instead.

But guessers seem more fond of handmade stuff; askers often prefer storebought.

I don't have a preference, but will side-eye either sort if it appears to be completely tone-deaf. Somebody once gave me a ceramic bud vase that she'd made herself. It was very nice, but I had absolutely no use for it, not being a displayer of stuff-in-vases -- and she'd been to my house enough to have seen that. (Nonetheless, I kept it for many years and only discarded it when I was moving to Texas, because she'd given it to me.)

And of course, there is the fun custom of "Let me tell you what you bought me for Holiday!"

Oh yes, I love that -- from either end.

[rhodielady-47.livejournal.com]

"Try not to kill each other."
Excellent advice.
Here's another piece of good advice:
If you know your family and your relationship with them is toxic but you still insist on spending time with them over the holidays then do the smart thing:
Limit your time with them.
Seriously.
If you and your family only seem capable of about 30 minutes to an hour's worth of well-behaved together time then make a point of leaving at the end of 30 minutes or an hour.
If being well-behaved all in one place is impossible, then see them separately or in small groups. If one or more of these small groups manage to behave themselves well, treat them to another short visit.
Learn the gentle art of verbal self-defense and then use it.
If all else fails, become a long-distance orphan who sends the once a year letter.
This is YOUR life you know. There's no use being around people who depress you or make you hate yourself even if they are family.
After all, there's always the chance the nurses accidently swapped you for another baby!
;^)

Well ...

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

It is your life, to the extent that you are free to make your own decisions. Some people are lucky enough to get away from their abusive or otherwise undesirable relatives. Some do not have the option of avoiding them, or leaving early, and it's a matter of gritting your teeth and trying not to make a fucking miserable situation even worse.

Re: Well ...

[rhodielady-47.livejournal.com]

Exactly!
Wish me luck--I also get to be the cook today!
:^|B|
(Gritted teeth)

[lb-lee.livejournal.com]

I actually, given the option, try to dissuade people from giving me gifts at all, unless they are REALLY sure I want them. In our family, gift-giving was kind of compulsory, and I feel better not doing that.

That said, my friends have given me awesome little gifts before: sketchbooks are always good for me, and a fellow trans queer multi gave us a big ass anthology of queer comics that I NEVER would've coughed up for on my own.

We certainly wouldn't say no to an art supplies gift card, but Sneak might disappear into the shop and never be seen again.

--Rogan

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

These are good things for your friends to know!

I have known artist friends to keep wishlists of art supplies, including the big stuff they can't afford on their own. One year I gave someone the biggest pad of watercolor paper I could afford -- which was several sizes larger than their standard -- and could just about hear the squeeing from several states away. :D