Nonsexual Intimacies (Part 1 of 5)
Oct. 24th, 2011 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithMany stories focus on sex and romance. Those are overwhelmingly the kinds of intimacy featured in fiction. Even outside the immediate sphere of erotic and romantic stories, they comprise major subplots in most genres and many stories. Attention to other types, expressions, and experiences of intimacy is rare. This largely ignores nonsexual family relationships such as siblings or parent/child. It shortchanges close professional relationships such as a cop's beat partner or a soldier's buddy. It tends to leave asexual-aromantic spectrum people off the map altogether. Even for readers who like stories about sex and romance, this can get old -- especially if the writer doesn't pay any attention to the development of intimacy but just shoves the characters into bed as fast as possible.
Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything. Nonsexual intimacies are the "show don't tell" conveyance for the rest of the serious relationship field. Here are some examples and their story influence.
Read Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
EDIT 3/22/19: If you have come here from the "Asexual Resonances" article, be aware that my actual asexual-aromantic spectrum characters are listed in "QUILTBAG Characters," "Sexual Orientations in My Characters," and "Romantic Orientations in My Characters."
Personal & Body Care
This category covers stuff that has to do with body boundaries and maintenance. Ordinary adults do some of these things for themselves. Parents do some for their children. Caretakers or hired professionals may do them for people who can't manage on their own or just want someone else to do it. These things can express caring or comfort in a relationship, with varying degrees of intimacy.
Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Massage. The tone can be clinical, casual, nonsexually intimate, or erotic but it all comes down to a lot of skin contact. Some cultures, such as Swedish and Japanese, are far more comfortable with massage than American culture is; but you can still find it in America. Some Asian traditions offer orgasm (a "happy ending") as a non-erotic physical release, which is useful in contexts where erotic interaction is not desired but the body's needs are demanding.
Taking care of someone sick/injured. A natural part of family life, this can also crop up between professional partners or even strangers in some circumstances. It involves one person doing things that the other normally does alone, but currently finds difficult or impossible. This is a great way to break down walls for one of those stubborn characters who is impregnable under ordinary circumstances -- hence the popularity of hurt/comfort fiction.
Touching parts of the body not usually handled by strangers. The body divides into areas with different permissions. Strangers may shake hands, casual friends may slap each other on the shoulder. Only close relationships tend to involve touching the face, feet, inside forearms, nape of neck, etc.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Removing or putting on someone's glasses. This one is worth special mention both because it's the most common version of a not-very-common motif, and because it's intimate without being overwhelming. It's something one might do for a friend who falls asleep on the couch, for instance. That makes it a good way to show that a relationship is becoming intimate.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything. Nonsexual intimacies are the "show don't tell" conveyance for the rest of the serious relationship field. Here are some examples and their story influence.
Read Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
EDIT 3/22/19: If you have come here from the "Asexual Resonances" article, be aware that my actual asexual-aromantic spectrum characters are listed in "QUILTBAG Characters," "Sexual Orientations in My Characters," and "Romantic Orientations in My Characters."
Personal & Body Care
This category covers stuff that has to do with body boundaries and maintenance. Ordinary adults do some of these things for themselves. Parents do some for their children. Caretakers or hired professionals may do them for people who can't manage on their own or just want someone else to do it. These things can express caring or comfort in a relationship, with varying degrees of intimacy.
Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Massage. The tone can be clinical, casual, nonsexually intimate, or erotic but it all comes down to a lot of skin contact. Some cultures, such as Swedish and Japanese, are far more comfortable with massage than American culture is; but you can still find it in America. Some Asian traditions offer orgasm (a "happy ending") as a non-erotic physical release, which is useful in contexts where erotic interaction is not desired but the body's needs are demanding.
Taking care of someone sick/injured. A natural part of family life, this can also crop up between professional partners or even strangers in some circumstances. It involves one person doing things that the other normally does alone, but currently finds difficult or impossible. This is a great way to break down walls for one of those stubborn characters who is impregnable under ordinary circumstances -- hence the popularity of hurt/comfort fiction.
Touching parts of the body not usually handled by strangers. The body divides into areas with different permissions. Strangers may shake hands, casual friends may slap each other on the shoulder. Only close relationships tend to involve touching the face, feet, inside forearms, nape of neck, etc.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Removing or putting on someone's glasses. This one is worth special mention both because it's the most common version of a not-very-common motif, and because it's intimate without being overwhelming. It's something one might do for a friend who falls asleep on the couch, for instance. That makes it a good way to show that a relationship is becoming intimate.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-24 10:24 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2011-10-25 02:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-24 11:07 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2011-10-24 11:57 pm (UTC)I'm glad you found this useful. I think that nonsexual touch is something that people need to think and talk about. Primates go crazy if they don't get positive body contact, and modern culture is becoming so averse to touch that it worries me. Or else people try to sexualize everything in a way that is really creepy. So I'm trying to find ways of countering that.
>> It's funny, you know, with the touch phobia - recently I realised that if I could experience things like *this*, and general, non-sexual proximity and touch from others, I'd consider myself healed.<<
That makes sense. My approach to sanity is very practical, based on whether (or how much) someone can function in an everyday context.
*ponder* I hadn't thought about this before, but it occurs to me that this series will wind up providing a checklist of stuff that people can explore if they want to create a healthy balance of nonsexual touch in their lives. That might be useful for abuse survivors, veterans, etc. Since people have issues in different areas, there will probably be something that most people find tolerable or enjoyable.
>> And the hair care form of touch is one I have always loved, and wish more people offered in close friendships / romantic friendships.<<
That's good to hear. Hair seems to be a cultural thing -- some groups are really into hair-sharing and others just aren't. African and Afro-American folks will spend hours cornrowing each other's hair. Some Native American tribes have ceremonial hairdos that are traditionally created by a family member. I don't know where Australian culture stands on this. Hmm ... maybe there are clubs or something for people who are interested? I've seen resources about braiding, especially the fancy braids like you can get at a Renaissance Faire.
My hair, when wet, is down to my thighs. Dry, it's about hip level -- it curls up in spirals. I usually wear it in one long braid, which is about waist length. I've had it braided up in fancy designs a few times for fun.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-25 05:09 am (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2011-10-25 05:47 am (UTC)The hair aspect seems popular; I've had other people respond to it also.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-25 10:42 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2011-10-25 10:47 pm (UTC)