Marking Life's Milestones
Jun. 5th, 2007 03:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithIn a discussion of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
haikujaguar's fiction, I remarked:
"Our culture has sadly lost most of its recognition of life's milestones. One thing I do a lot of, as a Pagan priestess and writer, is help people rediscover the thresholds that are important to them in their journey, and find ways to honor those in community."
anamacha then said:
"and how do you do that, as described in your last paragraph? I have been lost for some time, seeking inspiration, and the best I've been able to come up with is "let go and let it happen." This makes me feel lost. I place you under no obligation to help me, I feel I should point out. I am merely a Seeker."
This seems like an excellent topic for discussion, which other people may find useful. So, here are some of the things I do:
1) I read a lot about life stages, human psychology, anthropology, rites of passage, ritual design, and so forth. Some favorite books include Prometheus Rising, Pagan Rites of Passage, and Ritual Craft.
2) I talk with other people who are involved in milestone observation and trail-marking. We compare what milestones we've observed in our own and other lives, and how, and whether those things worked or didn't, and why.
3) I pay attention to the cycles and thresholds in my own life, and other people's lives. I search with my senses for moments and points which are significant. I trust my intuition when it indicates a significant milestone, even if that is not recognized as such by the surrounding culture. Particularly in dealing with other people in my community, I listen to them and try to suss out what they consider important, even if they do not recognize it themselves.
4) I encourage people to celebrate their milestones, both individually and collectively. If an elder wants to make a big fuss over her own birthday, let her. I'll bake a cake or something. Becoming a parent, buying a house, publishing a book, getting a new job, entering college, retiring -- there are all kinds of thresholds in life that are worthy of recognition and mostly don't get it nowadays. That can be fixed. I am unwilling to let something important stay broken if I can figure out how to fix it.
5) I use my knowledge to help people assemble meaningful rituals, simple or complex. I know of, or can quickly look up, numerous options for things like symbolic colors and plants, actions representing transformation, ways of showing honor for someone, techniques for raising energy in circle, crafts that make good keepsakes, and so forth. I know how various cultures recognize various milestones. It's kind of like having a gigantic set of magic legos; I can build just about anything with it. Exactly how the finished project looks will depend on the individual person and the occasion. For someone of Native American heritage, I'll probably use sets of 4; European background, sets of three. If they love animals, I might work in a totem reference; if they love cars, I might use metal correspondences.
6) I participate in various rites of passage, public and private. Some of them are fun. Some of them are not. As with writing, everything is research. This way I learn more about what works and what doesn't, and why. I can use that in planning other rites.
7) I ask for feedback after a ritual. Sometimes I get tired and forget, other times people just scatter. But usually at least one or two people talk about it and I can glean more data from them that will make the next ritual even better. If it's a really great ritual, everyone will be talking about it, and they'll keep doing that long-term. A few of our very best rituals are still talked about several years later. Also I observe people for effects they might not mention out loud. That can also indicate how well a ritual worked; a good rite of passage sort of "sets" the transformation firmly and helps the person do better in their new phase.
8) I write about rites of passage and the need for them. It is a human need so deep, ubiquitous, and powerful that people will make up rites of passage if the old ones have been wiped away; they'll reinvent many of the same activities and mark many of the same points, but often not as safely or effectively as the time-tested traditions. So it's important to discuss the need for rites of passage, some safe and effective techniques of observing them, some mistakes to avoid, and so forth.
9) I teach about rites of passage, ritual design, self-knowledge, personal mythology, etc. in various classes and workshops. The more people who know how to do this stuff for themselves and others, the better.
For anyone interested in doing more to celebrate the milestones in your life, I suggest that you: read books on the topic, attend rites of passage from different traditions, discuss threshold activities with other people, and let folks know about your interest. Celebrate by yourself if you have to, with friends and family if possible. Do what feels meaningful to you, even if other people say it's silly. You'll get better with practice, and it will feel good to mark your progress. Finally, it's a splendid way to tighten family and community bonds.
haikujaguar's fiction, I remarked:"Our culture has sadly lost most of its recognition of life's milestones. One thing I do a lot of, as a Pagan priestess and writer, is help people rediscover the thresholds that are important to them in their journey, and find ways to honor those in community."
anamacha then said:"and how do you do that, as described in your last paragraph? I have been lost for some time, seeking inspiration, and the best I've been able to come up with is "let go and let it happen." This makes me feel lost. I place you under no obligation to help me, I feel I should point out. I am merely a Seeker."
This seems like an excellent topic for discussion, which other people may find useful. So, here are some of the things I do:
1) I read a lot about life stages, human psychology, anthropology, rites of passage, ritual design, and so forth. Some favorite books include Prometheus Rising, Pagan Rites of Passage, and Ritual Craft.
2) I talk with other people who are involved in milestone observation and trail-marking. We compare what milestones we've observed in our own and other lives, and how, and whether those things worked or didn't, and why.
3) I pay attention to the cycles and thresholds in my own life, and other people's lives. I search with my senses for moments and points which are significant. I trust my intuition when it indicates a significant milestone, even if that is not recognized as such by the surrounding culture. Particularly in dealing with other people in my community, I listen to them and try to suss out what they consider important, even if they do not recognize it themselves.
4) I encourage people to celebrate their milestones, both individually and collectively. If an elder wants to make a big fuss over her own birthday, let her. I'll bake a cake or something. Becoming a parent, buying a house, publishing a book, getting a new job, entering college, retiring -- there are all kinds of thresholds in life that are worthy of recognition and mostly don't get it nowadays. That can be fixed. I am unwilling to let something important stay broken if I can figure out how to fix it.
5) I use my knowledge to help people assemble meaningful rituals, simple or complex. I know of, or can quickly look up, numerous options for things like symbolic colors and plants, actions representing transformation, ways of showing honor for someone, techniques for raising energy in circle, crafts that make good keepsakes, and so forth. I know how various cultures recognize various milestones. It's kind of like having a gigantic set of magic legos; I can build just about anything with it. Exactly how the finished project looks will depend on the individual person and the occasion. For someone of Native American heritage, I'll probably use sets of 4; European background, sets of three. If they love animals, I might work in a totem reference; if they love cars, I might use metal correspondences.
6) I participate in various rites of passage, public and private. Some of them are fun. Some of them are not. As with writing, everything is research. This way I learn more about what works and what doesn't, and why. I can use that in planning other rites.
7) I ask for feedback after a ritual. Sometimes I get tired and forget, other times people just scatter. But usually at least one or two people talk about it and I can glean more data from them that will make the next ritual even better. If it's a really great ritual, everyone will be talking about it, and they'll keep doing that long-term. A few of our very best rituals are still talked about several years later. Also I observe people for effects they might not mention out loud. That can also indicate how well a ritual worked; a good rite of passage sort of "sets" the transformation firmly and helps the person do better in their new phase.
8) I write about rites of passage and the need for them. It is a human need so deep, ubiquitous, and powerful that people will make up rites of passage if the old ones have been wiped away; they'll reinvent many of the same activities and mark many of the same points, but often not as safely or effectively as the time-tested traditions. So it's important to discuss the need for rites of passage, some safe and effective techniques of observing them, some mistakes to avoid, and so forth.
9) I teach about rites of passage, ritual design, self-knowledge, personal mythology, etc. in various classes and workshops. The more people who know how to do this stuff for themselves and others, the better.
For anyone interested in doing more to celebrate the milestones in your life, I suggest that you: read books on the topic, attend rites of passage from different traditions, discuss threshold activities with other people, and let folks know about your interest. Celebrate by yourself if you have to, with friends and family if possible. Do what feels meaningful to you, even if other people say it's silly. You'll get better with practice, and it will feel good to mark your progress. Finally, it's a splendid way to tighten family and community bonds.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-05 03:15 pm (UTC)Thanks for reminding me to think about it! :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-05 06:29 pm (UTC)If someone is Seeking, won't they be better off using thier energy to explore themselves and their society and how those things fit into thier own philosophy and world than they would to pour energy into some kind of milestone celebration?
You mention that people make up their own replacement rites when older ones are wiped away, and that those are not always as effective and satisfying as the old ones. Isn't the flip side of that the idea that rites of passage have also been misused or used to promulgate values that might be harmful in the past? The example of "obey" being part of a lot of traditional religious wedding ceremonies springs to mind for me on this front. I think the question of how to pick out the right milestones is a really important and tough one.
I'd much rather think about this than about work this afternoon! It's a really fascinating question. People could get so much out of asking themselves about this. I'm going to have to check out some of those books that you recommend.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-05 07:47 pm (UTC)You are right to point out that lots of people turn certain rites of passage into commerical events. It's a problem not just because of the resultant consumer debt, but because the spending spree can obscure the real meaning of the event. Thing is, rites of passage aren't solely "me me me" events. Most are supposed to have a strong communal context, marking changes in a person's role within community. A wedding that devolves into nothing but a giant party may not fulfill that purpose as well as a smaller celebration where older couples have a chance to welcome the bride and groom into married life.
You also raise a valid point about cultural baggage. Some of the things that get passed along in rites of passage may not be a good idea. It's prudent to examine them closely before proceeding. I've collected about half a shelf of books on weddings, handfastings, and marriage rites -- several of which break stuff down into its component parts for easy analysis and selection, and explain how to design vows that promise exactly what you mean and nothing you don't.
More couples seem inclined to expend deep thought on what flowers etc. to buy than on what, exactly, they intend to promise to each other. Given the rather low survival rate of marriages today, there's room for improvement.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-05 09:13 pm (UTC)On a personal note, Sean and I have been working on trying to remember the sabbats and our birthdays/anniversary more carefully. We've spent a lot of years working hard and often working through them, and we're beginning to feel their lack.
Nice to see you journaling! I've subscribed via my RSS reader.
Blessings,
Ceallaigh
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-18 05:54 am (UTC)No, wait, perhaps I do know. Perhaps it is the recollection of my own profound lack of milestones, rites of passage, and so on. And to be quite honest, beyond the clues you've given above, I have no idea of where to find them or what to look for.
Regardless, thank you for writing this. Mind if I call you LJ-friend?
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-19 08:14 pm (UTC)In terms of milestones, start with what I outlined; the books are a good introduction and process of talking with other people can illuminate much. Some other things you could do:
1) Make a list of milestones in your life that were not celebrated to your satisfaction. Try to figure out what disappointed you and how you could improve future celebrations.
2) Make a list of upcoming milestones in your life -- an important anniversary, a graduation, etc. -- or if none are currently expected, consider what milestones you would *like* to reach. Then muse about what kind of celebration for those milestones you would find meaningful.
3) Celebrate milestones in other people's lives. Go to weddings, funerals, graduation ceremonies, initiation rituals -- whatever is available and appealing to you.
4) Celebrate your annual milestones: your birthday at least, your anniversary if you are married, any significant family traditions, etc.
5) Read about milestones and their celebration. If you aren't sure where to start and the books I recommended don't grab you, then go to your bookstore or library and search there; ask the staff for help if necessary. Self-help, psychology, religion, sociology and anthropology are all worth a peek depending on your taste.
6) When you have an idea of what kind of milestone celebrations would gratify you, pursue them. Set a significant but achievable goal for yourself and plan a celebration to follow. For example, you might go back to school -- or if college is unappealing/unaffordable, take a course through your community center.
I hope this helps. Feel free to continue the discussion if you wish.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-22 12:52 am (UTC)Do you do this for monies, or also for not-monies?
(I am forever in search of more people willing to provide spiritual and life guidance, because I am of the belief that it's never bad to have more than one person to guide you.)
Well...
Date: 2009-11-22 01:27 am (UTC)Both, depending on the type of service. For instance, we offer a series of Year-and-a-Day Classes, for free; one of those is "Rites of Passage." Officiating a handfasting/wedding is something I charge money for because it is a huge task. I'm also for hire as a writer to create unique poems or other liturgy for special occasions, at reasonable prices.
Much of my spiritual insight comes from Pagan traditions, although I study comparative religions and may grab useful ideas from anywhere. You can see examples under the "spirituality" tag.
You're welcome to hang around and ask questions if you wish.
Re: Well...
Date: 2009-11-22 01:52 am (UTC).oO(Dear Lord, like I can handle another feed…)
*Adds it anyway*
I'll... try to keep up. :D
Re: Well...
Date: 2009-11-22 02:04 am (UTC)You might be interested in an upcoming activity -- I do a live poetry event once a month, of which the next is Tuesday Dec. 1 with the theme "cultures of the world."