Poem: "Life Is a Crazy Ride"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This poem was written outside the regular prompt calls. It fills the "Psychology" square in my 8-1-24 card for the Discworld Bingo fest. It has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred. This poem belongs to the College Arc of the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series. It follows "A Writhing Snake Pit of Envy," "From the Ashes a Fire Shall Be Woken," "A Light from the Shadows Shall Spring", and "Renewed Shall Be Blade That Was Broken" so read those first or this won't make any sense.

Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics, heavy on emotional upheaval. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes one of Shiv's hilarious in media res phonecalls, wondering about sanity, reference to upheaval from reuniting with a lost family member, emotional overload and dysregulation, anxiety, panting for breath, reference to past abuse by Family Services, reference to past difficulties in school and extensive educational abuse, self-doubt, insecurity, attachment issues, feeling in over his head, reference to someone look for him on campus, confusion, identity issues, feeling like he doesn't belong in college, not feeling like himself, rude language, reference to graffiti, and other challenges. It's mostly hopeful, though. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.


"Life Is a Crazy Ride"

[Afternoon of Wednesday, July 6, 2016]

"Am I crazy?" Shiv blurted,
clutching the phone like a lifeline.

"Based on my professional assessment
and personal observations, I would say
no," Dr. G replied. "May I ask what
raised this concern for you today?"

"I ran into Arthur on campus and
we hadn't seen each other in years
and I missed him so when he said
we could take classes together I didn't
tell him to fuck off," Shiv said all at once.

"Okay, that's a lot to take in, so no wonder
you're this rattled," said Dr. G. "Shall we
take a minute to focus on calm before
trying to sort through all of that stuff?"

"Please," Shiv said gratefully.

He wasn't begging. He wasn't.
It was just that he had learned
the Finns were usually better at
managing his feelings than him.

"Of course," Dr. G replied.
"Where are you right now?"

"My place, the apartment
over Blues Moon," said Shiv.

"Okay," said Dr. G. "You're
safe there. It's your home,
where your friends live, and
nothing bad will happen to you.
Take a few deep breaths."

Shiv panted and pressed
himself against the back of
the futon, trying to calm down.

"Feel the floor beneath your feet,
and find something soft to touch,"
said Dr. G. "Focus on your breath."

Shiv tapped his feet on the floor
and stroked the blanket on the futon.

"Let everything else go," said Dr. G.
"Slow your breathing, and then
your body will know to relax."

Shiv sighed. Yeah, he was
starting to unwind a little.

"Thanks," he whispered.
"I was about to fly off
the handle for a minute."

"Everyone gets upset
sometimes," said Dr. G.
"Do you feel ready to talk
about what rattled you?"

"Guess I better," said Shiv.
"It's just such a mess."

"Start at the beginning,"
said Dr. G. "Perhaps you
could tell me about Arthur?"

"He's my brother, I mean,
my foster brother," said Shiv.

"You can call him your brother
if that's how you feel," said Dr. G.
"Do you think Arthur considers
himself your brother, or foster?"

"Brother," Shiv said softly. "We
were together at the Atwoods,
only he got to stay there when
the people movers took me. He
and the Atwoods wanted to keep
in touch, but fuckin' Family Services
ditched all the paperwork again."

"Ah," said Dr. G. "I suspect
that left a trail to follow."

"Yeah, whatever, just
leave me out of that,"
Shiv said. "Arthur was
pissed about it, though."

"I can well imagine that,"
said Dr. G. "So, you two
met on campus today?"

"I was bored, and so I
figured that I could hit
the Mind & Craft club,"
said Shiv. "Then Arthur
spotted me. He was
heading to the club too,
but instead we wound up
just talking for a while."

"That sounds encouraging,"
said Dr. G. "I'm glad that
you managed to reconnect."

"Me too," Shiv admitted. "I
don't like people much, but
I've really missed Arthur."

"It's good to connect with
people," said Dr. G. "Did
he seem to feel the same?"

"Yeah, it's why he suggested
that we take classes together,
he's already in college and
thought I -- but that's crazy,
I suck at school!" said Shiv.

"You have survived a lot of
educational abuse," said Dr. G.
"That's not the same as someone
who goofs off instead of studying."

Shiv shrugged. "I never got much
out of studying either," he replied.

"Well, people probably didn't know
what you needed," said Dr. G. "I'm
sure that's a fixable issue, if you do
decide to pursue more education."

"I thought about it, I guess, Arthur
made it sound like some classes
would be fun, but that's not gonna
make me good at 'em," said Shiv.

"What kind of classes?" asked Dr. G.
"That's sure to make a difference."

"Worldbuilding, where I'd be going
in as an artist," said Shiv. "Also
Nebraska en Plein Air, which is
kind of a drop-in art class outdoors."

"Those sound like they would play
to your strengths," said Dr. G.
"Two classes is reasonable for
a start, unless they're huge."

"Sort of?" said Shiv. "They're
both flex classes, worth one to
six credits, depending on work."

"Ah, so you could choose to do
as much as you find comfortable,"
said Dr. G. "That sounds prudent."

"It's enough to get me listed as
a real college student with perks,"
Shiv said. "Arthur showed me
some, and they got nice stuff,
like free eats and quiet rooms."

"Those do sound useful," said Dr. G.
"I know how much you love food."

"We scarfed the free tomatoes
today," said Shiv. "They're good.
Arthur wanted me to know the perks
so I'd be more interested in college."

"It's not a bad start, but it is making
you anxious," said Dr. G. "Do you
think Arthur would be open to doing
other things than classes with you?"

"Probably," said Shiv. "He told me
it was my choice, he just seemed ...
really focused on the college thing."

"Can you think of something else
that you might enjoy doing with
Arthur instead?" asked Dr. G.

"I guess," said Shiv. Then he
brightened. "Hiking! We used
to go with the Atwoods, and
it didn't suck much at all. I like
hiking now that Tolli and Simon
have taught me more about it."

"That's good," said Dr. G. "Can
you think of any other ideas?"

Shiv nibbled his lip. "Food,
maybe," he said. "Crafts? We
used to do nature crafts, kid stuff.
I don't know if Arthur is still into
making things, but I could ask."

"Those sound promising,"
said Dr. G. "Do you have
somewhere to jot them down?"

"Yeah, just gimme a minute,"
Shiv said. He rummaged around
and found a scratchpad and pen,
then he scribbled down the list.

Ways to Spend Time with Arthur
-- college classes?
-- hiking
-- food
-- crafts?

"So, you have
options," said Dr. G.

"Options are good,"
Shiv agreed. "I can
talk with Arthur and
see what he would like
to do. Other than college.."

"Let's consider college too,"
said Dr. G. "Are you thinking
about just a couple of classes,
or possibly working on a degree?"

"Just classes," Shiv said hastily.
"Well, Arthur thinks I probably did
enough for a minor in art already,
and when he took me to meet
some of the teachers, they told
me there are, um, open programs
where I could take what I wanted."

"That's true at most colleges,"
said Dr. G. "So you could take
a structured program, or open,
or not even bother with more
than a class here and there."

"Is that ... okay?" Shiv said,
fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"Of course it's okay," said Dr. G.
"We'll be proud of you whether
you decide to try college or not.
Now, you mentioned that Arthur
introduced you to some teachers.
What did you think of them?"

"They were okay," Shiv said.
"The Worldbuilding professor
was excited by my art. He's
still trying to fill out his class."

"That's encouraging," said Dr. G.
"What about the rest of them?"

"Art teachers, mostly -- I knew
some, or knew of them," said Shiv.

"It helps to be with people who
you already know," said Dr. G.
"How well did you like them?"

"Professor O'Keefe is a favorite,"
said Shiv. "She taught some of
the plein air classes I've taken.
Professor Fiore looks fun. She
was supposed to teach the class
on paint mixing that went sideways."

"You've done well with plein air art,"
said Dr. G. "Was there anyone else?"

"Uh yeah, there's a guy who does
small sculptures, like stained glass,
and the urban art dude actually knew
me from Public Housing. And trains,"
Shiv said. "That was kind of weird."

"It sounds like you have room
to expand into new media, if
that appeals," said Dr. G.

"Maybe?" said Shiv. "I do
like working with glass now
that I have more space, but
the Hanson Hall stuff is already
hard, and it's not even college."

"Shiv, they offer everything
from children's art classes to
professional ones," said Dr. G.
"So what have you been taking?"

"There's this andamento class
that keeps breaking my brain,"
said Shiv. "I totally suck at it."

"What is andamento?" said Dr. G.

Shiv blinked. He knew a word that
Dr. G didn't? How was that even
possible? And now what the hell
was he supposed to do about it?

He racked his brain, trying to recall
how the Finns explained things to him.

"It's um, for stained glass, about how
to cut pieces for a window or mosaic, so
they fit together and flow," said Shiv. "You
gotta trim 'em just right. There's a bunch of
different patterns, and how they're meant
to follow the lines in your art. I can cut
the glass great, but figuring out which
pattern goes where is really hard."

"Remember that no matter how good
or bad you are at something, practice
will improve your skills," said Dr. G.

That ... was true. Shiv had gone
from cutting pieces to follow one line
to cutting them to fill simple shapes.

"I guess I am," he admitted. "Huh.
Anyway, the stained glass guy liked
me good enough. Just the metallurgist
showing up out of nowhere freaked me out."

"What metallurgist?" Dr. G asked. "Where
did you go on campus to meet them?"

"Nowhere," Shiv said. "We were just
in the art building and he popped in --
he'd had people looking for me."

"Do I need to have words with
this man?" Dr. G said with an edge
in his voice. "Because I can do that."

"No, everybody else jumped in front
of me when he showed up," said Shiv.
"That was weird too. But apparently
he'd seen some paper that one of
the California guys wrote and put
my name on, so he wanted to meet
me. They made him back off though."

"I'm glad you have backup," said Dr. G.
"That should help in case anything else
comes up that and you need support."

Shiv was startled to realize that, yes,
Arthur and the professors probably
would try to back him up if necessary.

"Yeah, the head was there too,"
Shiv said. "He tried to encourage
me to enroll, and he had some ideas
that he thought might help. Why in
hell does everyone want me in college?"

"Arthur wants to spend time with you,"
said Dr. G. "It sounds like the others
admire your work, or perhaps they
just like you personally -- or both."

"That's crazy," Shiv said. "People
don't like me. I'm an asshole!
Why would they like me? And
it's not like I'm a real artist."

"An artist is one who makes
art, and you do that," said Dr. G.
"Quality is in the eye of the beholder."

"I guess," Shiv said. He had seen
people buy some shitty stuff. You
never knew what they would like.

"What kind of accommodations
did people suggest to deal with
your concerns?" Dr. G asked.

"Well, Professor Dexter told us
that we could bring food into
Worldbuilding class," Shiv said.
"I did up a chunk of marble as
the West-Gate for him, and I
mentioned the calorie cost, so
yeah, being able to eat in class
would make life a lot easier."

"And safer," Dr. G murmured.
"I certainly approve. What else?"

"He said that I could do most
of my assignments in art, or
team up with a classmate for
writing," Shiv replied. "I'm not
used to people doing that, they
usually tell me to do it or else."

"I'm happy to hear about
the educational flexibility,"
said Dr. G. "Worldbuilding
sounds like a good class."

"Yeah, maybe," Shiv said.
"If it doesn't blow up in my face.
But if it does, it's all Arthur's fault."

Dr. G chuckled. "That's fair, if he's
trying to talk you into college."

"I still think it's crazy, but then
the art teachers were all like
Professor Dexter," said Shiv.
"I liked Professor Fiore. She
showed me her sketchbook,
and told me I could turn in
my homework as visual stuff.
She teaches plein air classes."

"Then visual assignments make
sense for that topic," said Dr. G.

"They suggested that I consider
upcycling courses too," Shiv said.
"I like reusing all kinds of old junk."

"So do we," said Dr. G. "You've
seen our arts and crafts stash."

Yeah, no wonder they didn't
mind letting Shiv have one
of the kitchen junk drawers
to store scrap silverware.

"Head Evergood looked over
my transcript and gave me
some ideas," said Shiv. "He
also showed me a map of
the campus quiet rooms, and
offered to help solve problems."

"It never hurts to have someone
in charge on your side," said Dr. G.
"That would make college easier."

"That's what I thought," Shiv said.
"It's better then when they hate me,
even though it's really confusing."

"So let's see," said Dr. G. "You
have people you know, who are
willing to help you succeed. You
know some of the challenges, and
have potential solutions. You're
not locked into a degree program,
and could leave whenever you want."

"Yeah, that sounds right," said Shiv.
"If I even decide to enroll at all."

"Then what still bothers you?"
said Dr. G. "It seems like more."

"I just feel like this is ... not me,"
Shiv said, rocking back and forth.
"I can't be a college student,
I'm a supervillain for fucksake!"

"I doubt that the college has
a discrimination policy against
soups, but we can certainly
check on that," said Dr. G.

Shiv snorted. "Easy way out
for me, if they do," he said.

"Is that what you really want?"
said Dr. G. "Something else
to make a decision for you?"

"Guess not," Shiv muttered.
"I just don't feel like myself."

"Let's unpack that," said Dr. G.
"You've got an opportunity here
that unsettles you. So what
about this feels like 'not you' --
or is it just new and unfamiliar?"

"All of that and then some,"
said Shiv. "I'm not, I don't fit
there, I'm not college material."

"Have you expressed that to
anyone else?" said Dr. G.

"Everyone, but they didn't
agree," said Shiv. "I'd think
it would be pretty obvious."

"You've had bad experiences
with school in the past, but then
you didn't have anyone backing you,"
said Dr. G. "Your circumstances have
improved, so the outcomes should too."

"I guess?" Shiv said. "I'm just used
to school turning into a disaster."

"So far, I've only heard about
one recent class disaster, and
that was not your fault, it was
the teacher's fault," said Dr. G.
"You handled yourself well."

"Professor Fiore called me
Walkout Guy," Shiv said, "and
Professor Dexter told me that
he used to be a student activist."

"That's good news," said Dr. G.
"Also, you're looking at art classes,
and you are an artist. That's you.
That's part of who you are at heart."

Shiv pushed at that idea inside
himself, and yeah, he'd gotten
to where he thought of himself
as more than just a guy who could
make sharp things with superpowers.

"Okay, that much is true," he admitted.
"I like playing with different kinds of art."

"That's something you've done more of
in recent years, not something you've
done as much in the past," said Dr. G.

"People didn't want me around anything
that might leave a mark," Shiv said with
a shrug. "Cause I marked things, duh."

"The more fool they," said Dr. G. "Think
about who you've been in the past, and
who you are becoming, and who you
would like to be in the future. Then
compare that to current opportunities."

"I'm still not used to having a future,"
Shiv pointed out. "I'm a gangster."

"You're a gangster with a family
full of healers and other medics,
plus you're friends with The Teleport,"
Dr. G said. "That raises your odds."

Shiv chuckled. "Yeah, it does," he said.
"You all like to coddle me, it's ridiculous."

"It's family -- what family is supposed to be,
not the nonsense you grew up with," said Dr. G.
"Think about how you fit with us, and how you
feel about yourself. What parts do you like
or dislike? What matches or doesn't? What
would you change? Who do you want to be?"

"I dunno," Shiv said, shuffling in his seat.
"I still don't feel like a college student."

"You don't have to be," said Dr. G.
"However, you could try it on for size
and see how it actually fits, or not. You
don't have to commit to four whole years.
You could just aim for one semester,
and then decide how it feels to you
when you've got more experience."

"They let you do that?" Shiv said.
"I thought it was like ... bigger,
you had to do the whole thing."

"You can take college classes as
a nondegree student," said Dr. G.
"People do that all the time. Did
anyone talk to you about that?"

"I think maybe Head Evergood
may have said something about it,"
Shiv replied. "It's kind of hard for me
to remember all the details. I was
feeling pretty frazzled at the time."

"Well, we can look into that later
if you want to revisit it," said Dr. G.
"I'm sure Head Evergood would
be willing to go over it again when
you're feeling calmer about things."

"Yeah, maybe. One semester doesn't
sound as scary as a whole year, or
longer," said Shiv. "I just don't know
if I would be able to stick with it. I
am still a supervillain, and that just
makes everything unpredictable."

"The truth is that you do not know
what is going to happen tomorrow,"
said Dr. G. "Life is a crazy ride
and nothing is guaranteed."

"But you don't think I'm crazy?"
Shiv said. "Even with ... all this?"

"It's normal to care about people
and want to be with them, which
is what started this ball rolling,"
said Dr. G. "It's normal to feel
intimidated by college, and also
curious about it at the same time.
It's normal for a young man to feel
uncertain of who he is, especially
in the face of challenges like this."

"Never thought I'd hear anyone
call me normal," Shiv muttered.

"We all have some experiences
and feelings that are common, and
others that are less so," said Dr. G.
"Beyond that, Shiv, normal is
just a setting on the dryer."

Shiv chuckled. "Yeah,
I get it," he said. "So you
think I could really do this?"

"I think you can do just about
anything you set your mind to,"
said Dr. G. "So whatever you
choose to do, I'll be here for you."

"What do you think I should do?"
Shiv said. "I really don't know.
I haven't even decided yet, and I
already feel like I'm gonna fuck it up."

"Take some time to think through
your options. Imagine making
each choice, and see how you
feel about that," said Dr. G. "I
won't tell you what to do, though.
You hate that, and it's bad for you."

"Yeah, I do hate that," Shiv said.
"I still feel like a muddle, though.
Everything is so --" He flailed
a hand in the air, even though
Dr. G couldn't see him doing it.

"You'll get through that too,"
said Dr. G. "If you want
my advice, I suggest that
you talk about this with
Tolli and Simon. They'll be
delighted to help, and they
excel at solving problems."

"That's a good idea," Shiv said.
"I didn't think of them before, I
was just kind of ... panicking."

"Everyone panics sometimes,"
said Dr. G. "You handled it
just fine -- you called someone
who could talk you through it.
That's definitely not crazy."

"Thanks," Shiv said. "Life
may be a crazy ride, but ...
I'm glad that you're in mine."

"I'm glad that you're in
my life as well," said Dr. G.

Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.

* * *

Notes:

This poem is long, so its notes appear elsewhere.

Comments

[wispfox]

Shiv is growing _so much_, and I think he's starting to realize it.

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Shiv is growing _so much_, <<

He really is ...

>> and I think he's starting to realize it. <<

... which is freaking him out.

Eh, he got used to the Finns, he'll get used to this too.

Phone call

[dialecticdreamer]

Shiv, blurting stuff in media res.
Graham, rolling with it and being his usual 'living teddy bear' self... all the while refusing to allow Shiv to denigrate himself or repeat other people's gaslighting.


Sheer wonderful joy for Thanksgiving, so Thank You!

Re: Phone call

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Shiv, blurting stuff in media res.<<

... will never stop being funny. :D

>> Graham, rolling with it and being his usual 'living teddy bear' self... all the while refusing to allow Shiv to denigrate himself or repeat other people's gaslighting.<<

Sooth. Shiv needs people who can help him see how far he's come.

>>Sheer wonderful joy for Thanksgiving, so Thank You!<<

Yay! The last mega-epic is up, too.

[labelleizzy]

I enjoyed reading this. Was just on Tumblr, reading and thinking about a post someone wrote about realizing that what you do actually has an impact on people.
My birthday was last week and both Spouse and our friend Gem 💎 told me of several new-friends who've mentioned out of my earshot how much they enjoyed meeting me, how warm and funny and genuine and friendly they found me to be.
Those words: Best birthday present. And the fact that I could hear them, believe them, and realize that?
Priceless.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I enjoyed reading this.<<

I'm happy to hear that.

>> Was just on Tumblr, reading and thinking about a post someone wrote about realizing that what you do actually has an impact on people.<<

Sooth. Many times, people have told me that what I did or wrote helped them solve a problem or make a personal discovery or possibly saved their life. Because I know how much impact it can have, I'm confident in the good I do, even though most of it goes unseen. Most of the time, when you save the world, you won't know about it. But it still works.

[readera]

I'm really enjoying this thread of Shiv going to college. He is being supported where he needs to be supported & letting him shine where he can shine.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I'm really enjoying this thread of Shiv going to college. <<

Yay! It's proving quite popular.

>> He is being supported where he needs to be supported & letting him shine where he can shine.<<

Yeah, poor kid isn't used to that yet. But watching him flounder through it is adorable.